My Confidence Too Low To Woo Woman

Dear Agatha,

Where in the world did you learn this talent of overcoming people’s problems?

I am a 20-year-old boy who since secondary school has had no relationship with any woman. I often ask my friends how they manage to talk women into having relationships with them. Some of my friends think my question funny. They ask if I am impotent. Agatha, it has nothing to do with impotency but my inability to chat up a girl to respond to my overtures. It is also confusing to me. I don't know why it happens like that. Please help me if you can.

Lonely boy.

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Dear Lonely boy,

All the glory for whatever I am doing here rightly belongs to God. He is the problem solver; I am only doing His bidding. You are having this problem because deep down you have this morbid fear that you don't have what it takes to keep these girls. Unless you overcome your sense of limitations, inadequacy and fear of embarrassing yourself in the presence of a woman, you would never be able to chat up a woman.

One of the ways to challenge this restriction in your life is to accept the fact that we are all prone, one time or the other, to mistakes and making fools of ourselves. Ask a lot of experienced men, they would tell you that the first time they talked to a woman was the most difficult time of their lives. It is the most frightening because it is an entirely new terrain.

The gut to withstand the cold stare of the woman, her arrogance, and sometimes, outright rudeness is what you need. Brave it because underneath the facade of indifference and toughness most women put up the first time a man approaches them, is a soft and friendly side.

The worst, a woman can do is to tell you off. She is only exercising her prerogative. Move on to one who would receive your interest with happiness.

Being honest, simple and factual would work better magic for you than any word. Don't worry too much about any woman who shuns you or is very rude to you. It is one of the processes you have to confront in your journey towards manhood.

Next time you see a girl you like, begin the process by limiting your interest to general topics like the weather, situation of the country, politics and her interest in life. Your interest should only be tabled when you are both sufficiently friendly.

Good luck.

She Abhors Me For Lacking In Civility

Dear Agatha,

I am a 23-year-old boy. There was this day I went to the church, and during service I noticed this pretty lady who lives on my side of town.

We proposed to see after service because I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. As my friends and I were walking back home after the service we met them along the way back home but because some elders were coming behind us we couldn't start interacting immediately. When we got to a point where we were alone, I told her of my desire to have her for a friend. From her countenance I could detect reluctance on her part. When I asked for her name, she refused to tell me but since we were almost at her place, we couldn’t continue our conversation so I promise to see her next day at the service.

She didn't make it to the service the next day. I was anxious when she still didn't come the day after that. I was relieved when I saw her three days later. I rushed to ask what kept her away for those days she was absent from church. With a face screwed up in something akin to irritation, she said nothing was the matter.

I refused to be intimidated by her coldness even though deep down it felt so sharp and painful.

I developed the habit of asking after her health and her observation of the service, despite her indifferences to me. One day she told me pointblank to stop disturbing her. She said I was caging her.

That day, she even refused to respond to my friends' greetings.

Too confused, my friends and I followed her all the way to her home. My friends agreed to help me because I told them how I feel about her and how I didn't want to lose her.

When her house was within sight, she told us to go back and that she does not want to see any of us around her again. I left dejected at her attitude but having known the exact room and compound she stays, I was determined to do a follow up. I later discovered that her married sister and her family she stays with are also members of our church.

After that incident, there was a programme in the church and we found ourselves sitting side by side. I initially didn’t see her. At any rate, my feelings for her have changed from what was. I didn't feel anything for her anymore.

When she noticed I wasn't staring at her as the pastor was preaching she began to make efforts to talk to me. Becoming embarrassed by her attitude, I had to relocate.

After the programme, I told my friends about her and her reactions to me. We all agreed to go see her at home thinking her reactions towards me has thawed. When we got to her house the next day, it was a different person from the one I saw in the church. After listening to what we had to say, she told us that she does not deal with guys like us because in her estimation we are too uncivilised. She warned us never to come near her again.

I was confused and wondered at the contradiction in her attitude.

What should I do? I really love her. She is not wayward and does not flirt. I need your help even though I know she does not love me. It is so bad that she no longer responds to my greetings.

Sunday.

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Dear Sunday,

There is little you can do to make her change her mind. She simply does not feel what you feel for her, I know how damning and painful it is to have feelings for someone who does not reciprocate, but better to be disappointed at this early stage than to suffer heartbreak later.

She has told you in a very clear term, she is not interested in you. Stop hurting and embarrassing yourself, she has told you what she thinks of you and your class of friends.

The only way you can make her notice you and prove to her that you are not uncivilised is to challenge yourself to succeed in life. Set a very high target for yourself, work towards achieving it. It doesn't matter how long it takes, just be determined to change your status from an uncivilised boy to a very successful man.

This challenge of her words could be the reason God made your paths crossed. Maybe, you are one of those young men who is never serious with life, hence this harsh words from a woman to make you sit up.

You would have failed the inherent test of this encounter if you fail to take up the challenge of improving on yourself and status. If you are still in school, concentrate on your education and be determined to graduate with very good grades to attract premium employment. If you have already left school, be determined to put in your best.

What she thinks of you now does not matter but would, if she meets you in the same situation in another decade to come. The value we put on ourselves through our determination to succeed is what we are judged with when the final day comes. At the age you are, you need opinions like hers to fuel your determination in life. You need people whose belief in your dream to get the added push to succeed in life.

Pick up the pieces of what is left of your pride and sit back to take stock of your life. Where do you need to concentrate more energy? What do you need to cut out of your life? Do these, and you would always remember this lady as having helped you achieve your dream in a very special way.

Don't worry too much, if God says she has more than a passing role to play in your life you would still meet somewhere else and begin that journey to a lifetime together. But if not, bury your pains and disappointment and say a big thank you to God for frustrating this interest because it is the key to brighter and happier tomorrows. What is left is for you to seek the face of God in getting to your promised land.

Good luck.