Dear Agatha,
Ever since I stumbled on your column in the Daily Independent Newspaper, I have made it my daily column in the tabloids. You are indeed a blessing to our generation. I pray the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you to do the good works you have been doing. I want also to thank you for the wonderful advice you gave me in my earlier complaint as well as how you have been proffering solutions to the problems of teeming Nigerians and others alike. Please do justice to this pressing problem about to consume me.
I am a 32-year-old male that has been longing to settle down even before now. Unfortunately I have not been able to find a suitable partner for myself because most of the girls that come my way are those that are given to sexual immorality, a thing I don,t want to indulge myself in. This is as a result of the religious cum health implications of involving in pre-marital sex.
However, I recently stumbled on a girl I met through the Internet. She actually caught my fancy as a result of her beliefs that seem to tally with mine. We have been talking and everything, going on well culminating in her coming to visit me in the north.
She is Ibo while I am from the Niger Delta. The major occupation of my people is farming while the major sources of water supply are the streams and rivers.
These streams and rivers provide our entire supply of water from drinking, washing and bathing.
However, my friend is from an area where, according to her, there are no farming, no streams and rivers. As such she sees it as a taboo for one to go to the stream or river to fetch water let alone wash clothes or take baths in.
This is almost tearing us apart because in my opinion we can,t remain in the city forever. Moreover we have to travel from time to time to the village on special occasions. So during these periods what will happen? Does my wife stay at home while I go to the stream and fetch water for her to bath as well do all the domestic works? Or is it my aged mother that will do that for her? As it stands, my mother is the only one at home, as all my other siblings are married or away from home.
Agatha, my supposed wife does not see any reason going to the stream to fetch water, wash clothes or even take her bath. Several pleas from me to change her opinion didn,t yield any results. Besides she doesn,t see anything wrong with her visiting my home and staying at home while my mother goes to the farm or fetch water alone.
This is my ordeal. Please tell me what to do because I loved this girl dearly. She has every other thing I need in my woman but this one challenging. I am really confused. Do I go ahead with the relationship or quit?
Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.
Worried Bachelor.
Dear Worried Bachelor,
It is indeed a complex situation but not insurmountable. What you two need is time to reflect on your relationship as well as your differences.
Meeting through the Internet on its own has its disadvantages because beyond the information you both exchange, there is no personal interaction involved. Even if a relationship was started at that impersonal level, you both need the advantage of getting to know each other outside the Internet to move forward. It is called the verification period in relationships that have their origin in Internet courtship or other impersonal ways.
Therefore before you can claim to be in proper relationship, enough time has to be created for both of you to get to know each other properly beyond the information you both exchanged. This is against the background that whatever volume of information both of you may have exchanged on the Internet; none can be as authentic as the one your ways as well attitudes communicate when there is physical interaction.
As you have found out, the bit about not willing to adjust to your way of life or attitude to your mother wasn,t included on the information she gave you. Besides, anybody can claim to be anything on paper or Internet, what, however, counts is who the person really is at the end of the day.
Who is this woman you are contemplating spending your life with and who are you for that matter? All the challenges you are experiencing can be dealt with if you both have the right attitude and appreciate the relationship you have.
To live your mother to do the housework for her is wrong no matter her reservations. Even if she finds the way of life strange, a willing woman ready to give the relationship a chance to grow would still have gone out of her way to adjust. Leaving your mother to fetch water for her from the source she finds objectionable and cook from the produce of the farm she thinks is beneath her level doesn,t show a woman with good upbringing. Even if she can,t bring herself to wash her body and clothes from the water, doesn,t she eat the food cooked from the water or doesn,t she also go hungry while visiting?
Sincerely, her refusal to wash her body and clothes are simply excuses to cover her habits. If your mother were hers, would she sit at home while her mother goes to the farm and fetch water?
There is no community in Nigeria that began with pipe borne water or doesn,t have culture of farming. Despite attempts by various state governments to develop rural areas, a lot of people are still dependent on streams and river to supply their daily need of water.
And even if she grew up in the city, she cannot claim not to know that farming is part of the African culture.
For this reason look more at her behaviour because there is always a time in marriage or relationship when love isn,t enough to swallow up major differences.
Judging from her current attitude, do you think she has what it takes to endure hardship with you in case of financial challenges in future?
A man or woman who mortgages his or her heritage may find huge disappointment waiting in the future. Is that what you want? Always remember, we are all part of a past, which makes the present and future both our responsibility as well as concern. Your major concern should be what sort of happiness and respect would this woman accord you and your family?
For now, it is important you both give each other time to sort out your differences to avoid too much regrets later in life.
Good luck.
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