I’m ashamed of her

Dear Agatha, I am a 50 years old woman, married with four children and a Christian. I have been married for 20 years to an uneducated woman who lied to me that she was a school certificate holder. My desire while in the university was to marry a lady with secondary school background and subsequently train her to higher education. To my chagrin, after our first child; I realized my wife could hardly read nor write. She apparently dropped out from primary school. Although she is pretty and smart, the mere fact that she is educationally deficient has been a huge source of embarrassment to me over the years. I find it difficult to go out with her or allow her socialise with my colleagues for fear she could misfire. Over the years I have tried to persuade her to further her education, albeit through the various adult education programme. She has always considered my insistence too hard on her. This has weakened my love for her and is making me to think of getting another lady with better education to give me the necessary social fulfillment I have always craved for. Apart from my first degree, I have two master degrees and despite all my entreaties for her to equip herself, she keeps resisting my moves. We had fought over this matter in the past which led to my asking her to pack out of my house for over a year until family members intervened and begged me. Honestly, her educational inadequacy has diminished my social outlook and networking because of fear of becoming susceptible to ridicule and embarrassment from my friends and their wives. Now I am considering the option of marrying a young lady with Higher National Diploma (HND) or first degree who will give me joy, fulfillment and happiness which my wife’s illiteracy has denied me over the years. Although she is very kind and respectful but the only thing lacking in our relationship is the lack of her educational pursuit which is at variance with my life and my status. I am a voracious reader and my private library speaks volumes of this. As a result of her educational limitations, she cannot understand or flow with the technicalities of my business; rather she has settled for mere buying and selling. Instead of my wife being at a vantage position in my business to understudy the operation, her limited education prevents her from occupying such prime position. We rely so much on others for support because our children are still young. Agatha, please advise me on what to do? It’s a matter that is giving me headache. Although, all is well with our relationship, but inside of me, I am not a happy man and this has affected my level of intimacy and romance with her. I only find solace in our children who are promising and doing well in school. Miserable Husband. Dear Miserable Husband, You are being stingy with the truth here. It is 20 years too late to dwell on whatever she told you before you got married or for you to dwell on your decision to marry her. I say this because, if she is as bad as you paint the picture of her illiteracy, how come you didn’t notice when you were wooing her to become your wife? Wasn’t there some level of communication between the two of you at the time you met and married her? Surely, you must have observed all these flaws you are now playing up from your conversation with her back then. That you didn’t mind sufficiently to discourage the relationship between the two of you progressing beyond the point it was back then, meant you were satisfied with her. So what changed? The fact that you are lying to yourself about what you want from her and marriage or that she lied to you about her qualifications? There is no way she could have masked this disability that is making you so uncomfortable back then. The truth is at that time, you didn’t think it an issue, was taken in by her beauty as well as the qualities of a good woman you saw in her. That inspite of her educational limitations she has been able to manage your home successfully, helped in building the viable business you have today as well as intelligent children underscores her qualities as a good woman, mother and home builder. Without all the support she gave you as an understanding woman, I doubt if you would have anything tangible to point to as your achievement. Ask men who are unfortunate to have bad women as wives; then you would learn to appreciate the mercy of God on your life. It is because this woman has given you peace in your life that is why you are so bothered about her lack of educational courtesies and qualifications. If she didn’t embarrass you when you wooed her to become your wife; has given your children the kind of support to make you proud of them, what makes you think she isn’t good enough for your class of friends? If she was the kind of woman who made the house very uncomfortable for you, I doubt if you would be so bothered about her lack of education. Men who have bad wives are more concerned about their peace than the kind of educational qualifications of the women. Those kinds of men would rather be happy with a complete illiterate than one with the best qualifications in the world. After 20 years, you should know by now that successful marriages aren’t powered by paper qualifications but by the ability of the woman in the house to cope with all the challenges thrown at her. I’m sure she has used proceeds from her buying and selling to support you and the home. That is why the Bible calls her a helpmate to her husband. If you have been in and out of the university pursuing one academic qualification or the other, it means, she has always been the one at home, tending to the children and you. Her university is in her home; her qualification is the success your children and you are today. That she didn’t make a mess of her primary assignment means she has something upstairs; has the often forgotten native intelligence to know when to approach her husband, know how to tend to his needs, massage his ego to ensure he stays in top form. I don’t know if her lack of education makes her inept in the bedroom, but be careful you don’t bring a woman who will hurt and destroy all that you and this woman laboured to build in the two decades of your marriage. Whether or not she can read or write doesn’t make her irrelevant in your achievements so far. It would be so unfair to bring in another woman to manage what this woman through her years of toil and support helped you to achieve. Sincerely, if you wanted her to improve on her education, there are other options you could have adopted to get her to comply. From the tone of your mail, it is obvious that your obsession with her level of education has made you very unfeeling, rude and insensitive to her needs as a person. In your opinion, she has completely failed in everything on account of what you think she lacks. You don’t have to become violent physically to make it clear to this woman that you no longer find her presence useful in your home. The method you are using is emotional violence; the kind people don’t see but makes the one at the receiving end bitter and lacking in self confidence. There is no way your attitude can motivate her to go back to school because already you have destroyed whatever little confidence she has in her abilities. If you are caring, understanding and lovingly persuasive, she knows that she can count on your support to overcome her fears or difficulties in her quest to be educated. But given your lord imperial approach and attitude, it would be almost impossible for you to get her to go back to school. No adult wants to be treated like an idiot or a child. If you are truthful, chances are you relate with her as an idiot lacking in any form of intelligence. Not until you change your superior approach towards her, you cannot get her to do anything beyond what the society expects of her as a good wife, mother and home-keeper. You can still get her to go back to school if you change your attitude towards her by learning to be an appreciative and loving husband. Marrying another woman isn’t a solution. Yes, she may have the kind of qualifications you desire in your woman, what about the qualifications of being a good and supportive wife? At 50, when your mates are planning their retirement, you want to start babies and nappies again? With tender care, attention and quality intimacy, your wife will agree to go back to school or allow a private teacher to coach her on the basic requirements to make her acceptable to your new social circle. Good luck.