Dear Agatha,
I dated a lady for over a year. From the beginning, we defined the relationship as marriage-bound. I was glad to know she was a virgin, and we never had sex. Recently, we began to have problems. An old casual friend of hers appeared and what began as a casual friendship blossomed into romance. Eventually, he proposed marriage to her. It was at that point I got to know about it. She told me she was confused.
Although she told him she was in a relationship, he won’t let go. She said she was under pressure. One thing led to the other and he deflowered her.
According to her, she tried resisting him, and even informing him of our sex-free relationship. I love her, and I know she loved me until things fell apart. From the way things stand, whether we would have a future together rests with me. She is in her mid twenties and has just graduated. I am in my early thirties and working. If not for what has happened, we would have begun the marriage process with at least knowing members of our families. I love her and yet the pain of the experience is equally strong. I feel cheated and used. I shared this with my aunt, and she bluntly told me, ‘She is not your wife!’ Please advise me.
Sunny.
Dear Sunny,
From the look of things the decision is beyond you. It is something both of you must want desperately. There is either of you can do this on your own. For instance, you are not even sure she wants you back or in the same way you want her.
The decision to move this relationship forward from this unfortunate point, she has to show remorse for what she did, make a commitment to you never to be so tempted. She equally has to deal with the situation that brought about this development, which is taking a holistic look at her feelings for you and this man. She has to face herself, her feelings for you as well as what she expects from life generally.
When things get this messy, it is best not to assume you have the ace. In the first instance something stronger than what she feels for you must have made her given her body to this man.
The feelings may not be as enduring as the one she has for you but don’t ignore the fact that it was strong enough at the moment she agreed to go into the bedroom with him to have sex. No matter the tempting situation, if she had wanted to, she still could have pulled away from it if what she felt for you was strong enough.
So, before you start making plans for her, ask her what she feels about you or how she intend dealing with such a tricky situation should she find herself alone with that man again.
Granted you love her so much and wishes to spend the rest of your life with her, but there is more to this than what you feel. You have to be certain that whatever magical feelings exist between the two of them is transient and not one they would continue to indulge in secretly. Remember unlike when she was a virgin and could easily assess her disloyalty to you, there is no way you can discover now unless you catch her in the act. So deep down do you think you can trust her again?
Or that she would have told you about this other man and what she did with him if not for the evidence of the loss of her virginity? These are painful variables you must consider before thinking of taking her back.
Think, can your pride endure this? Would your love be able to withstand this betrayal now or later in life? You are not just talking about a relationship but about a lifetime journey. While losing her virginity doesn’t make her less of all the other qualities you found special in her but sleeping with another man while in a relationship with you may not be so easy an emotion to handle especially if you are the jealous type.
Because of what you currently feel for her, you may assume the current situation is something you can deal with effortless. You may be right for now but how much you are able to deal with it depends on your ability to completely erase this from your memory as if it never happened.
Without you making the effort, you may never be able to deal with it as the surge of suspicion would always rear its head whenever you see her with another man or suspect her of doing things without your knowledge. The after effect of this type of situation is what destroys not only the event itself. So beyond being so much in love with her, how matured are you about all these? Do you think her actions were deliberate or a mistake she is already regretting and would do everything within her powers to avoid?
If you had the intention of marrying her, why did you tell your aunty, knowing that it would be difficult for your family to continue to support you to marry her? That was a costly mistake, one you should always avoid when controversial issues come up between you and your partner.
While you can forgive your partner of anything, your family would not be able to deal with it in the same way. So even if you decide to have her back, how are you going to clear up the situation with your aunty to get her support not to treat her with disdain and contempt to your person?
It would take a lot to get this relationship out of the wood. It is something you must both desire with passion to make all these obstacles vanish.
So, discuss with her what she wants and what she feels for the other man. This is the road of honesty. One, which neither of you can afford to ignore if you desire happiness.
She has to desire you as much as you desire her to get her to stay faithful to you and once you agree to move ahead with the relationship, forgive and forget.
Above all, you need to pray so you don’t make a terrible mistake in life. This is important because marriage takes more than love to make it work.
Good luck.
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