Dear Agatha,
Since coming into my husband’s house, I have not had peace for a second.
My mother-in-law has been my major headache. To compound it all, my husband is on her side.
I don’t know what wrong I have done marrying into the family. She thinks I am not good enough for her son and because of this has told her son she would never visit him until I pack out of the house.
Our marriage is blessed with a boy and a girl.
Her current position is informed by what she terms as my rudeness, which in my opinion exists only in her imagination. Besides, on the first day I met her, my husband then my boyfriend told her what I said the first day we met. He meant it as a joke, to get his mother to support our marriage plans. Although I didn’t mean it, I told my husband I won’t marry him because he has a mother. When he questioned my reason for not wanting to marry a man who has a mother, I told him, mothers-in-law were wicked and never allowed their daughters-in-law enjoy their marriages.
Immediately he made that statement, I noticed the change in his mother’s mood and when I pointed this out to my husband, he dismissed it.
I expected her to come and help look after my baby when I had my first child but instead she told me she couldn’t because dead people don’t perform such task. She told me since I wished her dead; I should look elsewhere for help. But she went to the house of my husband’s twin brother to help with his child.
I was very angry at this that when she came to our house to visit the baby, I refused to give her the baby to hold. Since my husband wasn’t at home, I gave her a piece of my mind.
Although she didn’t report me to my husband, I did but omitted everything I told her. My husband didn’t like what happened. I am sure his mother eventually told him what I said because he came back home to fight me for insulting his mother.
He must have prevailed on his mother because she came at the birth of our second child but left after a week. Since then it has been a cat and rat relationship between us until she eventually told my husband last week she would never come to his house until I left.
What is happening is exactly why I never wanted to marry a man whose mother is still alive.
The issue now is, my husband thinks I have been very unfair to his mother and so also is the wife of his twin brother. She thinks my mother-in-law is a good woman but from where I stand she is ruining my home. Now my husband has stopped eating my food because he is under the impression I drove his mother away from his house.
All I want is to have a happy home. Please tell me how to make my husband support as well as understand me.
I love him but he should understand that my happiness can only be complete if he doesn’t see me as his mother’s enemy.
What should I do to make my husband who thinks I am being unfair to his mother understand as well as appreciate my position?
Worried Wife.
Dear Worried Wife,
From all you have narrated, your mother-in-law isn’t to blame for what is happening in your home. I honestly agree you are being grossly unfair to this woman. You came with a notion that all mothers-in-law are wicked hence passed judgment on her before you even met her. Such preemptive positions only causes huge problems like the one you are facing now.
Sincerely, you are the architect of your problems. How would you feel as a mother if your son’s girlfriend tells him the only condition she can date him is if he hasn’t a mother?
How would you react to someone wishing you were dead all because she thinks you would be her problem?
One day, your son would be old enough to bring a woman home to you. Put yourself in this woman’s position if the lady who intends to marry your son expresses the same sentiments you expressed? Would you be happy at being condemned even before you are given a chance to prove yourself? Would you ever have the confidence to stay with such a person knowing that nothing you do will ever please such a woman who clearly thinks you are evil? Imagine how you would feel if your daughter-in-law engages you in a verbal war of words? Be honest, would you be happy at such open disrespect? If for nothing else, this woman is old enough to be your mother. Would you insult your own mother the way you insulted her? Or has your mother not done things that really got you very angry to warrant you almost lashing out on her? How would you react to your husband trading insults with your mother? Even if his mother deserves the action to be tongue lashed by you, the fact that she is his mother deserves some considerations by you.
Fair is fair! If this woman didn’t come to help you with your child it is because she doesn’t want problems with you knowing what you think of her. She went to your sister-in-law’s place because she found peace and love in that house. That your sister-in-law sees nothing wrong with her is a clear sign that you should focus more on your own inadequacies as a person.
If she were that terrible as a mother-in-law, this other woman would be on your side, not hers.
More often than not, young women create problems for themselves. In the first place, this is a woman you have never met, don’t know and have no experience with. You have never been married so have never been victimised by a mother-in-law. To condemn your mother-in-law and pass a death sentence on her on account of what others told you about their mothers-in-law or your observations of what you think is happening in the homes of others is very unfair.
That she failed to report all the nasty things you told her to her son shows a woman who is truly desirous of ensuring peace in the home of her children.
What you should do to gain back the happiness you lost is to learn to love this woman as your mother. You won’t gain anything by fighting her; rather you stand to lose everything including the love of your husband.
She has been more than accommodating. For her to have come to help you with your second child despite the hostility of your attitude communicates a willingness on her part to make peace.
Think of when you would graduate from being a wife to a mother-in-law to help appreciate the position of this woman and her son. There is no way you can claim to love this man without showing love and respect for the woman who brought him into the world, cared and loved him until he became your husband.
Let’s agree for the sake of argument that she is as bad as the typical mothers-in-law, is fighting, abusing or being disrespectful to her a panacea to the problem? How would you feel if your mother goes through the same treatment in the hands of your brother’s wife?
Refusing to give her the baby when she came visiting was the height of it.
The real victim of battles between mothers and their sons’ wives are the men who are the centre of it all. If you think your mother-in-law would be the loser, you better have a rethink. No man would stand by and watch his wife disrespect his mother without a sound reason. It would have been a different kettle of fish if your mother-in-law has been combative, condemning of you as well as showing you undeserved hostility.
If you are serious about gaining back the peace you lost through your carelessness, go and make peace with this woman. Ignore whatever she has said about you leaving her son’s house; that statement was made to pass across her hurt at the way you have treated her.
Go and beg her. Apologise to her over the way you have responded or treated her. Tell her that you based your judgment unjustly on all the things you have heard about other mothers-in-law.
Honestly, your recalcitrant position would do you no good. Instead, it would only aggravate the situation in your home. Even if it is a real threat, stoop low to win this battle.
Going to her alone would give both of you the chance without an audience to settle. Share your fears from the beginning with her. Don’t try to defend what you said or your inherent fear. By simply owning up to your fear would make it easier for her to understand the context you made the statement. It would also inform her on her to treat your fears.
The absence of your husband as well as his lack of knowledge of your peace initiative would also convince her of your sincerity to the whole development.
When going, take along her grandchildren. Their presence would help ease things between the two of you. No matter how pained she is at your attitude towards her the presence of the children would break the ice to make conversation possible.
It is only after this you should apologise to your husband. He would gladly listen to you if he discovers you have made peace with his mother.
Importantly, pray and never be quick in passing judgment on people.
Good luck.
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