Re: My wife of 30 years betrayed me

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you so much for the work you are doing. Please keep it up. It’s one point of interest when ever I want to read Nigerian Newspapers. As per above, my brother in the picture need to re-examine himself and put his priority aright. One problem with humanity, we are often very quick to judge another without first putting ourselves in their shoes. One fact that I learnt over time in the western world is that hardly do we see and admit that the values and perspectives we held while in Nigeria have changed over time since sojourning in a strange land. Another point from his reply; do not really point out family as a priority before money to take care of the family. If money can buy a loving united family, he has tried that. Twelve years is too long a time for spouses (married) to be apart regardless of what. The only solution that can clean the mess created is to honestly accept responsibility, make up with his wife and children as soon as possible. Marrying another wife is never going to be a solution but duplicates his troubles. Frankly, the wife wronged him but it takes the manner in which the man goes about resolving this problem in humility and graces to forgive his wife that will lead the wife to humbly accept her fault and make amends because devil who is the deceiver and destroyer of families will magnify anything to paint the wrong picture. If they make amend, naturally, things may not be the same but it will be better than the trouble of another wife down the road. I had a somehow different but similar kind of situation recently. My girl, who is my wife today was with me in 1997. We met at a younger age and though I fell in love with her, we parted for about twelve years without any form of contact. Luckily, we were all sure God meant us to be one. Somehow I left Nigeria without her knowledge and I didn’t know about her where about too. But we all hang our hope in God and God brought us together at the 12th year. Do you know that though we were not “dating or married” that time, we had our different share of temptations? Let him make up his mind quickly whether to choose marrying another wife with attendant headache with bundles of troubles in future coming from his “new” wife to be, his “old” wife and children or to swallow his ego, pride and pain while amending with his wife and children. Forgiveness is all that is needed to heal the inflicted wounds and bring back the glory once again. God bless you.

My father rapes me almost every night

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 18 years of age. Right from as far as I can remember, my father has been abusing me sexually. It has become such a habit that he doesn’t want me out of his sight. He does it in such a way my mother appears not to suspect anything or is simply pretending not to. I really don’t know what is happening to her. I have gotten used to it. Twice he procured abortions for me. The last one got my mother very suspicious but my father managed the situation by ordering my mother to leave me alone. What worries me is that my father is a leader in the church. Now he is also sleeping with my 12 year old sister. We are both powerless to do anything about our situation since our mother’s attitude sometimes calls to question her emotional state of mind. This minute you are so certain you can get her to listen to you, take interest in her children’s welfare; the next minute she is doing something very different. I don’t know how to make you understand what I am trying to say but I suspect she is not in complete control of her emotions. For instance when I tried telling her about what my father was doing to me after he made me go through my second abortion, she pushed me out of her room; calling me the child of devil. Till date, she hasn’t bothered to ask or investigate the matter. She appears oblivious of the incident. Now the issue is how do I stop my father from doing what he is doing to my sister and I? He has refused me to accept offers of admission I got to the university and polytechnics outside Lagos. His excuse? I am too young to be on my own but I know it is because he wants me around for his selfish reasons. How do I get out of this prison my father has put me? Most times I feel like killing him; actually tried to poison his food once with battery water I got from a mechanic but I changed my mind when I thought of the consequences on me. If I don’t leave the house I fear, I won’t mind going to hell by killing him. Adunola Dear Adunola, The most important thing now is for you to get out of the house with your sister. Since your mother cannot provide you with the protection from your father, go outside your mother for help. First let your father know that you are no longer ready to put up with his depravation; that you are ready to tell whosoever cares to listen, the kind of father he has been to you and your sister. He has continued to abuse you sexually because you have kept quiet all these years. It is time you put a stop to it once and for all. The next time he comes into your room to have sex with you, scream loud enough to attract the attention of the neighbours. Communicate loudly the object of your scream so people know exactly what is happening. Don’t be afraid of him anymore. Your fear and silence are the reason his has continued to rape you and now your sister. If you don’t do something to stop him, this man will destroy you and your sisters for life. Because, he is most likely to react violently, arm yourself with something to protect you incase he gets violent. Usually rapists, especially in the mold your father is, will not want his reputation soiled so he is likely to use his palm to gag your mouth. Bite him hard on the palms as evidence of his intentions. He is refusing to let you go because he wants unrestricted access to your body. He knows that once you leave, he won’t be able to control your emotions anymore. The moment he defiled you, he forfeited every respect he deserves as your father so treat him like you would any man who rapes you. Follow this up by seeking protection for you and your sister from his female relatives. The truth is, if you leave, he will continue to violate your sister and at her age, she may not be able to protect herself from him. So it isn’t just about leaving the house but also providing security for that young girl too. By the time you make it public, your mother’s play at amnesia will disappear because whatever it is she is trying to prevent will no longer be necessary. The situation will force her to look at ways to protect her daughters from her husband. Being a leader in the church, he will want the matter resolved as quickly as possible to prevent the attendant scandal that follows. Insist he sends your female siblings, to boarding schools while you go off to school. During holidays, look for places to go to and if you must stay at home, you all should stay in the same room. Don’t kill him; it is a temptation you must fight against to prove to yourself and the world that you are a better person. The moment you take the laws into your hand, you become as guilty as he is. Besides, it will further destroy your family. As it is, your family may never recover from this incident; there is no way you and your sister will ever have a normal father-daughter relationship with him again. Just as it will be difficult for you to allow your children come near him. The harm on your family is already too deep for you to complicate further. Sincerely, your mother needs a second chance to be happy again. From your narration, your father has unwittingly destroyed her and belief in the marriage. Don’t forget that she is also be affected by everything that is happening around her. Even if your father used charms on her, the effect will vanish one day; she will always be negatively affected by the knowledge of what her husband did to her daughters. No matter how much she tries, her marriage to your father will never be the same on account of this incident. This is why you must be strong for yourself and everybody in the family. Doubtless, it can’t have been a tea party for you to endure the presence of your father in that forbidden manner but in a way, the survival of what is left of your family depends on your ability to forge ahead. While you need time to forgive, wisdom and determination are what you need now to get out of this situation. God is who you should turn to now; you need Him now more than ever before. It is important you turn to God to avert the greater tragedy of you turning your hatred to other men. Good luck.

My husband is sleeping with my best friend

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a very confusing problem in my life now. I discovered that my husband and my best-friend are having an affair. I am hardly at home as a result of my business which takes me out of the country quite often. This friend and I grew up together. We have always been in each other’s lives. About two years ago, her marriage broke up. I didn’t bother to ask questions about the reason but decided to relocate her to Lagos since I felt it would be nice to have her around because of my children. She came at the time I was having real problems with my husband who was beginning to complain about my constant absence from home and the negative effect it was having on the children. He was almost getting to the point of him asking me to choose between my business and the family. It was really becoming very tough for me as the house-girl just left without the courtesy of informing me about her decision. So when my friend called to inform me about her marriage, I simply asked her to come since people were already demanding for items I had ran out of. This was last year December. Recently, I had reasons to cut short one of my trips only to discover that my friend has not only taken over my children but my husband as well. The most painful thing is that my children knew about the affair between their father and my friend but didn’t tell me. I feel betrayed and bitter about everything. Please tell me what to do; I want my home back again. Eliza. Dear Eliza, If your children are in the know of this affair between their father and your best friend and didn’t say anything in your defense, it underscores the kind of mother you really are to them. By their action, the children have elected to side with a woman who knows what motherhood is all about and one who is present at all times. It is okay for a woman to pursue some level of financial independence, but such quest must not be done at the expense of the children’s welfare. While the children can survive the absence of their father, they cannot endure an absentee mother. Your presence in the home as a woman, wife and mother is not negotiable. No amount of financial success or freedom can make up for the happiness and welfare of your children. It is one thing for your husband and best friend to begin an affair behind you, it is a completely different story for your children to be in the know and not tell you. Candidly, the issue now is not just about the affair between your husband and friend but that of you putting things right between you and your children. The first thing to do now is to sit back to x-ray the things that are important to you in life. How much are your children worth to you? As a woman, have you stopped to think of that tomorrow when you can no longer have children; when you will need the special warmth only children bring to the heart of an aging woman? Of what use is having all the money in the world but losing the important things in life? While your husband can always begin something new with a very young woman, what are the choices you have if these children refuse to be appeased? Honestly, their case is more worrisome than the affair between your husband and friend. There is really the urgent need for you to discuss with these children with a view of finding out how deep the hurt you inflicted on them really is. To get them to cooperate, best you begin by apologising to them; neglect every pride of being their mother. It won’t work with them at all. This is partly because they have in their own way replaced you in their hearts. They have found another mother in your friend who appears to be quenching their longing for a mother figure. Plead with them for understanding and be careful not to betray your emotions or the reason you have suddenly found them to be important to you. The danger of them knowing why you are soliciting for their support is better imagined than experienced. The heart of a child can be very rigid especially when they know that what you denied them could easily have been given. You maybe their biological mother, but if you haven’t given their feelings any consideration, ignored them while you gallivant around the world in search for one lucrative business or the other, learn to tread softly in your bid to get them back on your side. Bury your so called sense of betrayal and bitterness. You are not in a position to bargain since you drew the first blood by your non-challant attitude towards them. Beg them including bribing them with your presence, gifts and time. Make out time to take them personally to school, if they are still young, take them out to places of their choice. And if they are young adults, engage them in a very frank talk devoid of bitterness against their father or your friend. Let them see the desperation and determination to make things right between you and them. Admit your mistake; it is the only way to get heady teenagers as well as young adults to listen in this kind of situation. As for your friend, you caused whatever is happening in your home. She merely took advantage of your carelessness with your own husband and children. In the first place, you were more concerned about having her to care for your home than the issue of her troubled marriage. As a good friend, you should have done more in the area of settling the issue between her and the husband; instead, you encouraged her to come in place of the house-help that left. To be truthful, you were the first to betray her. A good friend would never take advantage of the friend’s predicament. You took undue benefit of her situation to exploit her trust in you. Though it doesn’t excuse her sleeping with your husband, but you are to blame entirely for the whole episode in your home. She came to you because she wanted a pair of understanding shoulders to lean on, someone to help her out of her travails, to hold her hands while she recovered from the disappointment of a bad marriage. Being a woman, you more than anyone else should understand her vulnerability at that time; she came to you because you were the only one she could trust but instead you made her your house-help while you went about your business. Sincerely, both of them may not have set out to hurt you by having an affair. An innocent gesture of compassion on the part of your husband may have led to this complication. Don’t also forget that your husband too has issues with you; has been suffering from neglect. It couldn’t have been easy for him all the while you placed business before his needs and desires. You made it clear from the choice you made that money and not his happiness mattered most to you. There is no way this messy situation can be avoided in the kind of environment you created in your home. You unwittingly paired your husband with your best friend. To edge her out, stay more at home with your family. Also call your friend’s husband to sort things out between them. The earlier you did that the better for you all. Sex is very powerful. For an adult who is used to having sex at will, the best bet is to remove temptations from the way of such an adult. If you fight your friend over the affair between her and your husband, you will not only be empowering them to continue but prolonging the situation in your home. Presently, your family doesn’t have anything to lose if you decide to go because you haven’t always been there for them but you have a lot to lose if they continue with the affair. This is that time in a woman’s life and marriage when she ignores her true nature for the sake of her home. you have more knowledge of life than those children who are simply giving vent to their anger against your neglect of them. By the time in dawns on them that they are in the camp of an enemy, a lot of things would have gone wrong. It is that danger you must protect them from by preventing a situation where your husband and friend will be too comfortable in each other’s arms. Take the step of sacrifice by going to see her husband and making peace with them. Don’t broadcast what happened between your friend and husband to avoid ill conceived advices. Learn to keep your dirty linen inside your house. There is no successful marriage without a supreme sacrifice. All of you are guilty and need the grace of God to navigate through this stormy water. You and your husband need to forgive each other to have a happy home once again. Good luck.

Should I drop her or continue the relationship?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have been very close to you through your column. I consider your solutions to be very useful, practical and well appreciated. I am a single man of 36 years of age. I lost my only relationship of eight years two years ago; since then, I have been searching for another lady to settle down with. I must confess it is becoming very difficult for me doing this at my age as well as with my status. Everywoman I come across knows I am looking for a wife. They pretend to be good, but sooner or later, I discover the duplicity in their character. In March last year, I came across this young lady. I have since then tried to be close to her, never hiding my desire to have her as a wife. The first time I met her, I asked if she had any existing relationship with any man. She told me she had a two-year-old relationship with another man. I asked how close they were and if they had any plan to marry. She told me that although they were close but the man hadn’t proposed to her. At that point, I decided to go ahead with the relationship. I later proposed marriage to her. She neither rejected nor accepted my proposal. Instead, she said we should maintain the status quo since she hadn’t made up her mind to marry yet. I tried to convince her that at 22, and a 300 Level student in the university, she didn’t have any excuse not to think of marriage. I did everything within my powers to meet her needs. I made sure she didn’t lack much. In addition to the gifts, I made sure I was there physically. Still she didn’t change her mind. I also didn’t attempt taking her to bed because I wanted her to know how much I really care for and serious with her. At some points, my friends started mocking me as well as suspecting my claims to being a man. They thought I should have long taken her to bed. Towards the end of last year, I slowed down with her and we lost contact, but I confirmed that she and the other guy were still dating. Recently, I called her again and we started talking. Agatha, I have made it clear to her that I want something more from her. I want marriage or nothing. Please, do I still keep the contact with her or forget her and seek another girl ready for marriage? Albert. Dear Albert, It should be obvious to you by now that this girl isn’t interested in marrying you. She didn’t deceive you into thinking she was. You are with her because you want to be and not because she is giving you any encouragement to spend money on her, care for her or be there for her. Telling you she has a boyfriend in her life is enough to tell you that you will never become who you so much want to be in her life. Chances are she sees you purely as a friend in her life, one she can do without, hence her refusal to get in touch with you when you didn’t call. Admitting she has a boyfriend she is very close to and refusing to accept your wedding proposal absolves her of any blame whatsoever. The thing now is for you to get serious with your own life. In your desperation to marry, you are opening yourself up for pains, hurts as well as more disappointments in life. Give her up and plan for your own woman. The only way you can do that successfully is to forget completely the disappointment of your doomed relationship. Stop feeling pity for yourself and forget whatever reasons the other woman gave for the failure of that relationship. There is nobody without the story of heartache. Disappointment is associated with happiness. They almost partner each other. The only way to manage disappointment is not to dwell too much on it else it would be difficult to move on to other things. Doubtless, the pains of that disappointment would never really go away especially as it involved eight very good years of your life, but go on you must in life. By refusing to act desperately, you take away the power of any woman to hurt you. Take your time to study the woman you want to marry. From your experience, there are mistakes you made before which you must avoid at all cost. Just as there are no perfect situations, there are no perfect beings. Admit to your own mistakes in that relationship with a view of ensuring you don’t fall into the same situation. Where you have to be firm, please do so, and where you have to bend backwards do so also. As the leader of the team, you must at all times be alive to your responsibilities to earn the respect of those you lead in this case, the woman in your life. Rest more on God to avoid another grave mistake in your choice of a life partner. When in haste, it is always best to lessen your speed limit to prevent a fatal accident. Relax and take your time to get the right woman to share your life with. Marriage is not about how early but how well. Good luck.

How do I confront a cheating husband?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extra-marital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun, would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is seeing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God-given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at any time given him reasons to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time, those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what is your reaction to the complain? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pin-point your own faults, work on them with a view to making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are often his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often times, women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extra-ordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not to be in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that ***juju*** is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate him to a position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all times and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out. Good luck.