Thursday, April 30, 2009

Not Set For Altar, But Goes Crazy Seeing Man Around Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 25 years old and in a relationship with a man who is a year older than I am.

Apart from lacking the qualification, he has only Senior Secondary School Certificate. He is not set for marriage and I’m not getting younger. For now, I have so many suitors requesting for my hand in marriage all of whom I have rejected on account of this man.

The worrisome thing about all these is his attitude when he sees me with other men. He is actually a very jealous person. As a result of his jealousy, I need your help before it gets too late.

Confused Lover.

Dear Confused Lover,

Before you can both dream or conceive marriage, there must have been something on ground. He must have told you that he wants you enough for keeps and you must also see his preparedness towards achieving the goal.

In addition you must have also begun investing something towards helping him achieve your joint dreams. Marriage doesn’t happen simply because a couple desires it, rather it comes from working towards its actualisation.

From all indices, you desire marriage but not the hard investment that goes with it. This attitude spells trouble in that you risk getting into the hands of the wrong man on account of your hastiness to end up in a man’s house.

You don’t talk about marriage in a vacuum. Agreeing to a relationship doesn’t mean the same thing as agreeing to spend the rest of your lives together.

The man must be as ready as the woman for a marriage to take place. You cannot be talking about marriage to a man who has no job, barely able to feed and lacks a roof on his head.

What sort of marriage and home would such a man offers a woman?

You are definitely at the age when all sorts of men come for your hand in marriage. It isn’t out of place but a lot of what happens afterwards depends on your understanding of what the institution entails and expects of both parties.

Be careful you don’t end up with a man who is full of promises but very empty on delivery.

If you actually feel something for this man, your first worry won’t be leaving him for another man. You should challenge him into performance. Yes, he has little education but that doesn’t make him incapable of achieving something in his life. With the right kind of woman, he can achieve the impossible.

What project or line of business have you tried introducing him to? How have you helped drawn him nearer to his goals in life? In the first place, do you even know what his dreams for himself are let alone his dreams for both of you? Sincerely, if you knew what his dreams were, you won’t be in this state of confusion because you will have right in front of you the dream of achievements.

No matter whom you end up with, if the foundation is empty, devoid of dreams, plans and determinations on how to get to the dreams, you may never be happy. This is a choice we make along with the partner we decide to be with from the beginning of our lives.

The only way a woman can encourage any man especially one like yours, still trying hard to find his momentum in life is to show unconditional understanding. Even if you are so much in a hurry to leave him for another man, don’t make it appear as if you are leaving him on account of his lean wallet. To do that would destroy the little confidence he has in his ability for a very long time.

Before you decide to leave this man, ask him what he intends to do. If he can’t get a job, what business is he planning on doing and how he intends to fund it?

One question you must never fail to answer is your confidence in him. Do you have enough belief in this man that despite all the evidences before you, he has what it takes to make it in life?

Your answer is in your ability to confidently respond to this question. If you have enough confidence in him as a man, your age wouldn’t worry you as much as ensuring this man is happy with himself.

Good luck

At 33, No Viable Man In My Life…


Dear Agatha,

I will be 33 years old in a few months, still I do not have any man to call my own. What is wrong with me?

What can I do to attract responsible men to myself?

I am just being principled and descent but people think I am too strict.
What do I do?

Worried Lady.


Dear Worried Lady,

There is huge difference between being uncompromisingly rigid and being principled. Sometimes in our attempt to be too principled we unwittingly become stupidly unbending in our attitudes and presentations.

Being principled doesn’t make one unreasonable or develop an attitude that puts everybody around on the defensive. It is also not about condemning other people whose views don’t tally with one’s own or acquiring bothersome attitudes that more often than not leave people around you irritated. It is also not the same thing, as being cynical about life itself. Many a time people who present themselves as being principled through their sense of self-righteousness colour the views of others as inferior or blemished.

Being principled must also never rob a person of his or her sense of humour or reason. Life is about different hues of colours with seasons attached to it. These seasons come with their light moments as well as serious memorials. Anybody who under the guise of being righteous arrogates to him or herself too much importance and seriousness end up a lone ranger.

For a woman looking for a life partner, there are some traits that discourage a man from staying around you long enough to propose.

For instance, a woman who nags at everything anybody does, feel offended at the slightest hint of perceived provocation, would not only be boring as partner but also kill the interest of any man in her.

It takes more than a man meeting a woman to make a relationship work. Between when a couple meeting and saying ‘I do,’ are so many factors at work, incidents that can strangulate or ignite the relationship.

One of the things that can make a woman stay long on the shelf outside spiritual problem is her attitude. When a woman lacks the right kind of manner, she opens herself up for rejection.

What are you doing wrong? How would you describe yourself, principled or rigid? Are you so cynical that you see nothing good in everybody else but yourself?

A woman lifespan is too fragile to be mortgaged on the premise of being too rigid. Yes, certain principle is non-negotiable when it comes to some moral issues but to apply a blanket approach to everything that has to do with life always boomerang.

Can you identify the areas you have unwittingly injured yourself by your attitude and self-importance? Can you tell where you have crashed your own boat of happiness with your stubborn refusal to see things from the viewpoint of others, especially that person interested in having you for a partner?

If you are honest and willing to come down from the platform of perfection you have placed yourself, you will eventually get someone who wants you enough to keep you.

You can be very honest and forthright without being confrontational or annoying. You cannot afford to live life on one lane and be happy. Life is a combination of everything. It is what gives life its unique touch. Learn not to take yourself too serious by laughing at and with yourself. Once you master the act of being at peace with yourself, you will become a better as well as an understanding person to those around you, appreciating the fact that since we weren’t created to be the same, we come with our different attitudes and gifts. So the strength of the human race is to lean on each other for support, strength, wisdom, understanding and care. No one has it all. The moment you realise that, you will learn to be less critical of others around you and know that correction can only be done in love and not condemnation.

To attract the right men to yourself, you must be decent, accommodating of the shortfalls of others, as well as patient. You must begin your transformation by accepting that God is never late, early but always on time. To get to this point and work in line with the timetable of God, you must be trusting and enduring.

When a woman is respectful and responsible she makes things easier for the man who comes her way.

Agreed, some men do not have marriage in mind when they approach a woman for a relationship but once exposed to the unique qualities of the woman, they end up staying around to marry her.

Be rest assured that once the right man comes and finds your attitude bearable, he would not leave you like all the others.

Good luck.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

She Lacks Love Of Her Husband… Is Spare-lover Safe?

Dear Agatha,

I’m 28, staying with my eldest sister. She married with three children, two boys and a girl.

Although we have always known within the family that her husband is a tough nut to crack, but had always come across as a loving and dedicated father and husband. I didn’t know things were very bad between my sister and husband until I came to live with them after my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme.

Staying with them exposed me to the marital hardship my sister was facing. Even though he provides for his family, he is not always there for them. He leaves home early and comes back when everyone is asleep and what more they don’t share a bedroom. He refuses her meals so she has stopped cooking for him. And when around, he only has time for his children. The relationship between him and my sister is very cold. They don’t relate as a couple at all. Most nights I hear my sister banging on his door to be let in but he never opens his door.

Needless to say my sister isn’t happy and has confided her frustration as well as her willingness to get a young lover to fill the void being created by her husband.

My sister has always been a highly sexually active woman. She happens to be one of those women who can’t do without a man by her side, so I know precisely what she is going through. In her younger days she never lacked the company of a man at any point in time.

I also happen to know that unless her man comes back to his senses, my sister would get herself a lover outside her home. She is barely holding on to her self-will. Already her group of friends is arranging one of their young lovers for her. I overheard a telephone conversation between her and one of them. From her end of the discussion, I knew what they were up to.

I’m really confused and don’t know how to handle this. Much as I don’t approve of her husband’s behaviour, staying away from his family all the time and refusing to pay the slightest attention to his wife when around, yet I don’t think what my sister is about to do is right.

Please help me find a solution to my sister’s marital problem before it is too late. They have been married for 11 years.

Tutu.

Dear Tutu,

I think you should begin by asking your sister the whole truth concerning her marriage. It is important she tells you everything about her marriage and the things she has done within it.

There is the likelihood she may have done one or two things to make your brother-in-law so determined to avoid her completely. It must be very serious for him to have rejected her body and food.

It’s always convenient to blame this type of situation on the man, but sometimes the man is only reacting to something his wife has done too shameful and painful to be brought into the open.

If she were that dissatisfied with the whole set up, she wouldn’t have stayed on for these numbers of years. I suspect there is something she isn’t telling you.

In getting her to talk, ask her if this man has always been like this and if not, when did he change. If they have three children together, it means at one point, they enjoyed intimacy. And if true your sister is the type of woman that can’t do without the company of a man, she couldn’t have endured the marriage without constant intimacy for this long.

Whatever is happening between them must be a recent development to have made her endured this long. This is underscored by her desire to have a young lover outside her home. It is important you know if this is her first time of thinking along this line and if in the time past, she has done it, something her husband may have found out.

If she keeps company with women who don’t see anything wrong in having affairs outside their homes and has a nature that is constantly craving for male company, don’t you think she may have done something to make her husband this determined to keep her out of his life?

Knowing the challenge you are at stake would make your task easier and more achievable. Without you arming yourself with facts, you risk deteriorating things between them and putting yourself directly on the firing line between the couple. If you must do a good job, learn not to be biased else you end up alienating one of the parties from your peace effort from the beginning.

What she tells you would inform your next move. If she has been unfaithful, the ideal thing to do would be to plead with the man for forgiveness. It might involve an older member of your family coming to plead on behalf of your sister and also to talk to her about her duties to her husband and marriage.

Being older than you, you may not be able to tell your sister some cold facts. Getting somebody, your mother to share her marital experiences with your sister as well as tell her the bitter truths concerning her conduct would also help a great deal.

The problem could also come from the type of friends she keeps. If her husband suspects her friends of being bad influences on his wife and has repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to free her from their claws, he could decide on this action, just to push home his point.

His behaviour may be instigated by an ultimatum given her by him to either change her friends or forfeit her marriage. If this is the case, let your sister do away with such friends because they would eventually ruin her completely.

Arranging a boyfriend for her is not a panacea. No good friend would recommend such an abominable act as an antidote for marital problem. Friends are supposed to positively encourage their friend, to give courage when things look as if they would never get better in her marriage, not offer complications like your sister’s friends are offering.

Frankly, these are not the type of friends a responsible married woman desirous of staying married should associate with. They have the potentials of destroying whatever chance your sister may have in making peace with her husband.

What more, these kinds of friends, out of jealousy or desperation, are also capable of telling tales against each other to gain the attention or affection of their men? Irrespective of the wrongs of her husband, your sister too isn’t entirely blameless for what is happening in her home.

A woman who sees nothing wrong in dating other men outside her marriage is capable of doing anything to her man.

It is also pertinent you ask your sister if she is still interested in the marriage sufficiently to give up some of her habits and submit to her husband.

Banging on her husband’s door at night for his attention isn’t a solution for a woman whose husband cannot withstand her company. It would only aggravate the situation between them. What she should do is to first properly address the issue that gave rise to the situation between them to such a level that he would notice even in the few minutes he spends with his children. If that is not enough a time, she should visit him in the office. Being an official place and not wanting a scandal, he would be forced to listen to whatever it is she has to say. It may at first appear insufficient or waste of time, but over time he would come to appreciate the effort she is putting into it as long as she stays matured and patient.

That he is still providing for the family and has not asked her to vacate his home means it is not a lost case. Somewhere, in all these, he cares enough to play his role as a responsible father to his children. This is the angle your sister should work on too. A mother and woman know the right kind of button to press in her child or husband to get good results. It is the mystery of her dual position in the lives of her family members. If your sister is truly ready to help her marriage get back on the right track, she must have the determination to do unusual things to accomplish her desire like getting the children to invite their father to share their meals with them when he is around. Children are about the most powerful pressure group in the world. Once the seed is planted in them, she can bet they would help her get their father to eat at home. This is one point you must underline for her.

Before calling for external help, make the effort to talk to your brother-in-law too. Hear his side of the story his reason for his behaviour and how he thinks you can help improve the situation in his home.

It can’t be a bed of roses for him too to have to deal with the situation in his home the way it is now. Not all men enjoy leaving home early and coming back late without having to see or interact with their children.

Unfortunately, in avoiding the woman in the house, the children are the ones suffering the deprivation of quality time with their parents. While one is hardly around, the other lacks the emotional peace to be a good company for them.

Both your sister and husband must be told about the psychological damage they are visiting on their children. And they must be educated on how it destroys these innocent minds forever. The worst kind of injustice parents can do is to ignore the fact that children have a stake in the marriage and that they are the ones mostly affected by the situation in the house.

They must be told that they should for the sake of these children quickly resolve the problem between them.

Importantly, stand in gap for them spiritually by praying their marriage out of this situation. A marriage where the fear and presence of God is in short supply will never be happy for those involved.

Good luck.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

My Family Annuls Our Union On Tribal Ground

Dear Agatha,

I’m a regular reader of your column, and always impressed the way you handle issues. I would be 30 in a few months time and there is this lady who would be 28 this year whom I’m madly in love with me.

However, we have a problem with my family members who don’t want me to marry her due to her tribe.

When I asked my elder brother the reason behind their objection to people from her area, he said it is not advisable for anybody to marry women from her village. He said I should quit the relationship in my interest.

Please advice me on what to do. I’m confused.

Danny.


Dear Danny,

The best place to start is to be very definite about what you want from life and how much this lady fits into your dream marriage. This is a critical highpoint for you. Therefore you cannot afford to be confused. Being confused showcases a defect in your relationship. It shows that you are not as deeply in love with this woman as you have led yourself to think. Therefore, you must be very honest about what you want.

Since meeting her, how would you rate her in terms of moral behaviour, attitude, character as well as values of life?

Do you foresee having problems with her in terms of her moral values? Do you see her capable of betraying your trust or engaging in behaviours capable of causing you harm, now or in the future?

The issue is you! What do you feel for this woman and what do you know about her? Your family can say anything about her because they don’t know her but you do, better than all of them. Therefore you are the only one who can make the difference, change the not too pleasant impression your people have of her people.

If your love for this woman were strong and real, it would be difficult for you to let go, giving her up to suit your family.

You can only give up something you don’t care about, something not so precious and which you can do without.

To understand your feelings and know if you should heed your family advice, it is important you also do a soul searching of what you feel for this woman. One of the worst things that can happen is to be left high and dry in the middle of an ocean. You would be doing this lady more harm if at the end of the day, you are unable to defend your love for and capitulate to the pressures of your family.

Therefore the first thing to do is a thorough soul searching of what this woman really means to you. Given the opposition of your family has against this union, you must be very sure of what you feel because it is the only thing that can give you victory at the end.

Your love for her must be the type that can withstand the strongest of the storms because the reaction of your family member is still at the mildest.

The determination to fight on her side would come from this knowledge that she means more to you than any other woman ever would.

Once convinced of your feelings for her, ask precise questions from your elder brother. First listen to him to give him the impression that you are on their side. This way, he would tell all he knows about the people from that village and probably what he knows about the lady and her family if he has such information.

Allow some days before going back to him to solicit his assistance by reminding him of all the dreams you both shared as children and the times he went out of his way to protect you against pains or attacks from people.

Insist that, one more time, you are appealing for his support to be happy in life. Use all the sentimental history of being his little brother to appeal to his conscience on why he should support you to marry the woman of your choice.

Ask him how he would feel in your choice or if the family is pressuring him to drop the woman he wants more than anything else in the world?

Don’t forget to remind him that at 30 you are more than old enough to know what is right or wrong for you. Let him know you have a choice in this matter and that your coming to him for support is largely due to the respect you have for him and influence you think he has over the family.

All these are measures to water down his support for the older members of the family as well as get some support for your woman who may want to run away from it, all out of fear of the uncertainty of tomorrow.

Go a step further by soliciting help from persons close to your family. The point you should never fail to mention is that every community comes with its own peculiar history. Just like your girlfriend’s people, some people have also given your community or tribe a brand that might not truly reflect what your people are, particularly your family.

There are always exceptions to a rule. That the world has a negative impression of Nigerians on account of what a few are doing to harm the positive image of the country doesn’t make us all guilty.

If your family cares about you, demand you and this girl be given a chance to be happy.

However, if all attempts fail to make them see reason, continue to trust and pray to God to help you overcome the hostility of your family. If you and this woman are meant to be, God will make a way for you both to get round this wave of opposition from your parents and family.

Like I said, nobody can make up your mind for you. The answer is in your heart. What you feel for this woman counts, whether you yield to the pressures of your family members or not.

Good luck.

Monday, April 27, 2009

She Hesitates To Hug My Proposal...


Dear Agatha,


I'm 25, in love with an undergraduate girl. We are very much in love and I have gone to the extent of proposing to her. However, she is pleading confusion because of someone else in her life, according to her, responsible for her education.

What do you suggest I do?

Alvin.


Dear Alvin,

Quit the relationship for the simple reason that she cannot be in love with you while she is allowing another man pay her way through school.

The level of commitment the other man is exhibiting in her affairs and life makes it unfair for her to engage in any other relationship. She should have put the possibility of falling in love with another man into consideration before giving her commitment to that man. A lot of responsibilities and sacrifices go with relationships. She must be willing to give something up for something. If she really cares about you, she won't hesitate to drop the other man despite being responsible for her education. That she is willing to string both of you on shows, she is more interested in her own gains than any of you. She cannot eat and still have her cake.

Whatever the man is doing for her is based on power of her words and sense of obligation to him. Had he insisted on first paying her bride price, would she find this convenient to go into another relationship? She should have thought of all the possibilities before going into it. In the other man's shoes, how would you feel? Don't get involved in this rather volatile situation between this lady and her man. Let her first of all clean that mess in her own interest.

It is a combustive situation, which would leave you very scorched at the end of the day. So run away from it before anybody gets hurt, especially you.

Don't worry, the woman who would give you the type of happiness you deserve will come your way.

Good luck.

He Cheats, Beats... Now Plans To Travel Out Without Me


Dear Agatha,


I'm in a relationship where everything seems to be falling apart. I'm 21 while he is 30 years old.

To his credit, he is the one responsible for my education and all my needs. He has also told me of his intentions to marry me, he is known to all my family members.

The problem I have with him is that he easily gets upset. Irrespective of whether I lie or tell him the truth about what I did, he would always find an excuse to complain.

There is also the issue of numerous girls who visit him at his place of business. I noticed he shields the fact of our relationship from these girls.

Now he is planning to travel abroad. This has left me in a quandary because he has not mentioned anything about me joining him or not. When I questioned him concerning whether he would leave me the way things are between us, he answered in the negative.

He remains my first and only lover. Please tell me what to do. Besides, he beats me at times. I want to know if he is in love with me.

Juliet.


Dear Juliet,

Love and care come in different shades of colour and in between these shades come different kinds of feelings, yet to the people involved these variations come under the broad definition of love. The line between desire and possession is so thin that many don't even know the difference.

In his own queer way, he loves you enough to pick and pay your bills. He cherishes you enough to offer you the position of his wife. That, to this man, is enough for you to ignore what he does on the side. His thinking is shaped by his ideology as well as the orientation he was brought up with.

Men who fall under this category see women as an object to be possessed at all times. They ensure their women get all the material and financial assistance she needs which, to them, is more than enough to make the women happy. In return they expect unconditional submission as well as loyalty from these women and don't hesitate to use violence to put any woman who challenges their authority in her place.
As his possession, he expects you to be grateful, uncomplaining and like all the other pieces of furniture to stay where he pushes you. The way he perceives love is obviously different from how you interpret it. Having proposed to you and meeting your family, he is of the view you should be happy with that and not questioning him on his other interests in women. In his opinion, this gesture should answer any worries or question concerning his love for you.

If you love this man, this is one flaw you may have to put up with, accepting that he sees you as property and not a person who has a right to think or capable of being hurt. It is for this same reason he beats you. He sees himself as the lord and master of his empire. Your position as his special woman doesn't give you the special privilege of questioning him.

You have to make a choice between the comforts he offers you or the pains of living with a man who would never treat you with the respect you deserve. If there were problem in this relationship, it would come from you, to be fair to this man he has not hidden from you the type of life to expect from him, and even the quality of marriage he is proposing.

Look at yourself, what do you want? The issue here is not his travelling abroad but that of your ability to put up with his character. Deep down, do you think you can cope with his person or attitude? There is nothing being abroad with him can do for you in this relationship if he insists on treating you like a piece of furniture.

You must consider first your own happiness as well as economic independence in such a way if he decides to punish you by withdrawing his financial support, you can still survive on your own.

This is very important because men like him, when provoked beyond measure use their perceived advantage over the situation to press home their point. This is the major challenge you face with him. If he has started manifesting violence at this early stage, you don't need a crystal ball to tell you what to expect.

Forget the issue of whether he is going abroad or not, concentrate on the more important thing, whether you can really be happy with this man irrespective of being your first lover or not. A time would come when you may not be able to cope with his attitude towards you and unless you have zeroed your mind to endure anything he throws at you, you will end up completely frustrated and disillusioned about everything life has to offer.

Good luck.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Three Men Want To Marry Me


Dear Agatha,


Thanks for being there for people like me. Three different men are currently proposing marriage to me. The first one is in love with me, but I don’t love him. The second one I love so much just as he loves me, but the he isn’t ready to marry. He says I should give him till 2014. I am already 26 years old, add five years to that and I would be 31. For me this is a little bit tricky. The third guy is in love with me and seems ready to settle but I can’t read him at all. He is always giving excuses when the matter of marriage comes up.

What do I do?

Confused Girl.


Dear Confused Girl,

There is no way you would be able to make the right choice with three different men asking for your hand at the same time unless you have always had a clear impression of what you want.

At 26, you should have been better prepared for this moment. Had you done a lot of thinking, had your own solid ideas about the right kind of man for you, there would have been little confusion in your head over the suitability of any of these men for you.

This is because from the very beginning, you would have recognised in them the one with the most quality of your ideal man.

Therefore the process of elimination comes from the choices you have made as a woman. If you are the kind of woman who is only concerned about the physical looks of a man and not about his inner qualities, chances are you would settle for the most handsome of them all.

And if your concern is the one with the most money to spend on you, your choice would favour the man who has the money to lavish on you.

Unfortunately, these aren’t the right prerequisite for a happy marriage. A lot of things go into it. For a marriage to succeed, there must be a physical, spiritual and soul meetings. Unfortunately, many intending couples concern themselves only with the physical which is why many marriages are running into troubled waters.

What are your choices? What excites you in a man? Something on the periphery like his looks or money or something deeper than these?

You may have to excuse yourself from the pressures of these men to enable you retreat into yourself; that is, if you don’t know what you want already in a man.

In arriving at your decision be careful, you don’t over-value what isn’t valued. Life is not perfect hence no one is perfect. In looking at the shortcomings of these men, consider your own first then look for the one that best complements you. Your own weakness should be his strength and your strength his weakness.

You must look at the one who has the potentials of being your best friend and why you think you don’t love one and love the other the most. Sometimes, your current values may be the reason you think you love one and don’t love the other one.

Having a crystal vision of what you want helps put a lot of things in clearer perspective. Why do you think you don’t love the first guy? What values are you using to judge him? Has it to do with the possibility that he doesn’t have enough money like the others or lack the right kind of qualification?

Why do you think you don’t love him? You see, some of us don’t realise what we have until we lose them. That is when we come to realise that values we thought were important never were.

Delete his name from your list of suitors only after you are sure you will never have reason to look back later in life and regret not constructing your tent with him. Many women are so much in a hurry to get married that they forget to pay attention to what is important in a marriage. At 26, taking an extra year to ensure your marriage would do you no harm is not a big sacrifice.

Why is your second option insisting on waiting till 2014? For a woman in a hurry to marry, that is a lifetime to wait. Unless you trust him and be in love with him, this could be an endless wait.

Such a proposition takes planning, massive involvement in his affairs while at the same time trusting him enough to give him the liberty to achieve his dreams for that period.

Beyond being in love, what other things are on ground between the two of you? Frankly, this is a huge sacrifice he is requesting of you considering the fact that you would be 31 when he is ready.

For you to accept this, you must have a firm commitment from such that its terms must be known to every stakeholder in your families. Importantly, you must know why he needs that length of time to be ready. Because marriage is a journey of endless sacrifice, you must also be convinced about the workability of the promises you go into.

If your heart is in tune with this man, work something out with him along the lines of a more acceptable date for the two of you. Like you, he must be willing to make the necessary sacrifices to help the relationship grow. If he insists things must be done his way, it underscores problem and possibly what would be the pattern of your relationship. At every point, a couple must be able to negotiate their differences in such a way it becomes acceptable to both of them. The moment a couple is unable to reconcile its differences, the relationship becomes tiresome and bumpy. It is best to avoid taking into the institution too many garbage because they would eventually be the ruin of it.

Since the third man who is ready to marry is indefinite and secretive and you cannot say what he wants, it is best you allow him be rather than force him to do what you want.

In all these, learn to be honest and realistic in what you do.

Good luck.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I Can’t Forgive My Husband


Dear Agatha,


January, last year, I caught my husband in bed with my supposed best friend. For me, it just wasn’t the fact that he was unfaithful to me but that he did it with my best friend. The humiliation was more than I could tolerate.

I felt so bad too because our marriage of three years was yet to produce the fruit of the womb. And this is a friend he never approved of from the beginning. Although I knew his people were already putting pressure on him, I naively thought our love was strong enough to withstand the pressure.

He was and is still my only love. We met when we were in secondary school. He was in his SSS 3 when I came in as a JSS 2 student. For both of us it was love at first sight and from that early beginning we knew we would end up as man and wife. Different girls had come and gone in his life but none of them could threaten my position in his life. Our love was that strong.

He deflowered me on his graduation day. I got pregnant from that incident and we agreed to terminate it. Since then we took precautions to prevent pregnancy.

Even though we were having difficulties getting a baby after marriage, I thought he would stand by me.

After that incident, I packed out of his life and house. I didn’t bother to go to my parents’ or any of our friends. I instead went to my childhood’s friend place in Abuja. I changed my phone number after calling my parents to appease their anxieties over me and to prevent them arresting my husband over my sudden disappearance. I refused to tell them anything. I was determined not to have anything to do with anybody until I was strong enough to withstand the shame of my best friend taking over my home.

Incidentally, I discovered that I was with child. It was more than enough compensation for me.

It turned out that the pregnancy housed a set of twin boys. My friend was very wonderful all through, giving me both moral and financial support. Knowing how stubborn I could be, she refrained from trying to persuade me to call my husband or family members.

My twins are now over a year and though I had escaped my past but that is not to be as my husband, his family and my parents came knocking last month begging me to come back home.

I didn’t need a soothsayer to know that my husband must have gone through a lot of emotional pain. It was very evident from his haggard appearance. It was also obvious none of them knew about the babies from the surprised looks on their faces when they saw the children. The twins, who never allow anybody except my friend and I come near them, not only allowed their sobbing father get close to them but even cried after him when he was leaving.

I still love him but I cannot forgive what he did. According to him, he didn’t know what came over him and swore on his life that he had never been unfaithful to me since our marriage until that day when my friend came in some few minutes after he came in.

I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Something tells me he is telling the truth because before the incident, my friend had gotten herself involved with some strange friends, whose ways I warned her against. I am so confused about everything. I don’t know if I should go back to him or continue to stay on my own because I don’t want to get hurt again.

Please, tell me what to do; I promise to do precisely what you tell me.

Felicia.


Dear Felicia,

Go back to him. What more do you want? God has vindicated you before his family through those twins. Besides, they must have found you worthy enough to agree to come with their son to beg you without even knowing about the twins.

I am sure the incident was meant to teach everyone involved some fundamental lessons. Had you listened to your husband’s objection over this friend, none of this would have happened. Friendship must be symbiotic to be beneficial to those involved. He must have observed many things about her you didn’t notice on account of being too close to the scene.

Sometimes it pays to listen to the voice of caution of others around us on issue we are very involved in. This is why we have partners. As your partner he is supposed to be on the look out for your interest, protect you against yourself and help you see things differently. I know the tendency is for us to get uppity when our partners find fault with our friends or family. From your experience, you now know that some people we call friends are really nothing but devil’s advocates. So, be careful whom you bring into your home as a friend from now on.

Believe me, there is no marriage or situation in life that is problem-free. As a matter of fact, problems are meant to help refine and distill us into better human beings. If you run away from marriage on account of this challenge, what happens when your boys grow into being teenagers and unintentionally make your life a mini-hell during this difficult stage of parenting? Would you also quit motherhood? Give up on them and allow them go wild all because you are too afraid to try?

Fear is one of life’s most destructive and limiting weapons. It is a weapon the devil uses to stop people from being happy, fulfilled and joyous in the presence of God. Your marriage and husband are your destinies. It would have been a different kettle of fish if he hadn’t taken the steps of coming to beg for your forgiveness. He has come to ask you to forgive him.

There is no denying the fact that his act humiliated you, caused you endless pains and embarrassment but he has promised to change. To find you must have caused him a lot of time and resilience. Remember you didn’t make it easy for anybody to find you. It couldn’t have been easy for him at all. He failed, realised it and has gone all out to atone for it. Give him a chance to make up for all the pains he has caused you.

We all come with DNA wired deficiencies. No one is perfect. Although you are the one who has been hurt, it doesn’t make you the most perfect in this relationship. There are certain things you must have also done in the past that may also have caused him pain but which he overlooked for the sake of love and your over all happiness.

Marriage is a continuous process of fine-tuning, of re-investment, of sacrifices and being stupidly patient. It is also a process of indulgence and unconditional forgiveness. If you fail to forgive him now, chances are your children too would find it extremely difficult to forgive you for not giving their father a second chance in your life and in their lives.

It is no longer just about you or what you want. Your children not only have a say but a major stake in this. You must also consider what is best for them. From their response, they want their father, crave for him and desire to be with him also.

Going back would give these children the chance to be with their father and you some peace. There is nothing like having the support and love of one’s partner in the process of raising children.

He has fallen flat on his face, your duty as his wife, is to set aside your own pain and help him get up again. Also, don’t give your friend the chance to continuously gloat at her ability to destroy your home.

It isn’t so difficult once you put your mind to it. There is no running away from the responsibilities and sacrifices that go with your marital vows. This is the time he needs you to be a man again; don’t deny him because a time would come down the road when situation like this won’t have much meaning. There is no perfect marriage, couple or relationship but only flawless and unconditional act of forgiveness.

God will help you get there.

Good luck.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Must I Visit Village To End My Tribulation?


Dear Agatha,


I am almost 37 years of age. Three years ago, the man I dated for seven years walked out of our relationship and life without offering me any explanation.

He simply disappeared without trace. No member of his family or his friends could tell me anything about his whereabouts. His office too was baffled and actually took a public announcement concerning his whereabouts.

As at the time he left, I was already five months pregnant. But for the grace of God, I would have lost the pregnancy. His mother in particular set aside her grief to help me through the trying period.

Fortunately, I had a set of twins, a boy and girl. They, more than made up for his absence in our lives and being an only child, for the first time, I had people I could lay complete claim to.

I grew up with my mother’s immediate younger, who though wasn’t cruel to me, was completely indifferent. I would have preferred cruelty for all the attentions she showered on me. Beyond responding to my greetings and asking me about my schoolwork, she didn’t say anything to me. She dutifully paid my school fees to the university level, took care of my needs but was never friendly with me. Her children too tried to avoid me like a plague. She bought us the same clothes, ate the same food, rode in the same car to school, went to the same schools but we were like strangers to each other.

It was something I couldn’t explain. We never quarreled but we just weren’t on speaking terms. We spoke to each other only when absolutely necessary.

After a while, I stopped trying to analyse the behaviour of my aunty and her children. After graduation and the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), she and her husband presented me with a car gift as well as a three bedroom flat. She influenced my employment with an oil company. I wasn’t sad to leave her house because there was nothing there to miss despite the comfortable life I lived there.

Since packing out, I can count the number of times she or any of her children have visited me even though they each make it a point of duty to call me twice a month to know how I was faring.

Just before my man disappeared, I told my aunty about him and she told me I shouldn’t hurry into anything now. She said that I should first go to my father’s village to seek their approval before going into marriage to avoid regrets.

I didn’t know what to make of it and couldn’t ask her why since our relationship was devoid of such intimacy.

I am writing you because of the sudden change in the attitude of my fiancĂ©’s mother who came back from the village very hostile. Not only is she blaming me for the disappearance of her son but is insisting on taking away my children before I infect them with my bad luck.

She also accused me of being responsible for the disappearances of my parents and that if she allows me have the children, I would also make them disappear without trace.

I later got to know from a concerned friend of the family that my fiancĂ©’s mother was told in the village to avoid being close to me and that she should take away the children from me because I come with a spell that make people around me disappear at the approach of their happy ending. It was from her I got to know that my parents actually disappeared at my birth.

When I confronted my aunty, she confirmed it and said it was the reason either her or her children for that matter did not want to get close to me. That she took the risk of bringing me to her house when others rejected me because she and my mother were very close and couldn’t bear to see her only child suffer. She said, the spiritualist she consulted before taking me to stay with her said the only antidote was for her never to get close to me.

She said a woman he got pregnant and was supposed to marry before ditching her for my mother, placed the spell on me from my father’s village.

My aunty said, she couldn’t tell me because she was forbidden to but now that I know, I should go to my father’s village to meet his family who would take me to the child of the woman my father abandoned for my mother. She said only the forgiveness of the child who was born crippled can neutralise the charm.

I am so confused and at the same time very bitter against my aunty who kept all these from me. What do you suggest I do because my pastor is insisting I shouldn’t go? He thinks prayers, fasting and deliverance would do the magic. But after praying and fasting on my own over the matter, I have this strong urge to go. What do you think?

Ngozi.


Dear Ngozi,

This is not the time for you to be confused, angry or fight anybody. It is the time for you to act fast before anything happens to the person you are supposed to see in the village.

It is unfortunate that you had to go through all these but the important thing is that God has made a way out for you. Whatever I think is irrelevant. What is important is what God is telling you. If your instinct tells you to go, please don’t hesitate to do just that. Besides, why are the pastor’s reasons against your going? Has he any superior reason different from what God is telling you? No power or person is greater than the God you serve and who has told you to go.

This is one situation where you must move to make your deliverance complete. Yes, prayers, fasting and deliverance are necessary but so also is forgiveness. Since you have the opportunity of meeting the person whose heart is still hurting by what your father did, go and plead on behalf of your father and yourself.

Ideally, your pastor should offer to accompany you on the journey to provide you with the spiritual cover he carries as an anointed man of God, not to discourage you from doing what is right.

Religion aside, you owe it to this child to plead on behalf of the father who brought about his rejection as well as embarrassment of the mother. Like you, that child is carrying the cross of an incident he knows nothing about. Besides, you and this person are related by the blood of a man, who accepted one but rejected the other.

It behooves you to make peace. Don’t forget this person is crippled and don’t have the freedom of movement you have. That alone is enough to make him or her more bitter against you as very determined to keep the curse alive for not only having the love of your father but the freedom to move around like you. Unlike you, he may not have the opportunity of a good education and the quality of life you have.

These are enough grounds for anybody who has a bitter heart to continue to brew evil. In the first place, you don’t know the story told him about your mother who might have been accused of influencing your father’s decision to abandon the woman he first wanted to marry.

To have gotten her pregnant at that time means they must have done the traditional thing. Moral liberties were not so common then. Again, you don’t know the role your mother played in the whole drama. Granted, she may be innocent but in the eyes of the world proving her innocence in that situation would be most difficult because a man is not supposed to abandon everything he believes in for something else. Yes, he is allowed to take another wife but to completely deny his wife and unborn child is something a sane man isn’t expected to do.

Although their reactions and extent they went in getting justice is another matter entirely, but the fact remains you must make the sacrifices to moderate the consequences.

The reactions of your own aunty and children to you underscore the gravity of the situation, so also is the sudden disappearance of the man you were supposed to marry. The threat of your children also disappearing mysteriously is still hanging over your head. How many more of these strange happenings can you endure?

Life can be very lonely, hence you need wisdom at every point to make it very happy. Nobody except you and God knows where the shoes pinch the most. And He has given you the leading of the spirit as well as propeller through the attitude of your fiancĂ©’s mother to act fast. This is one situation when a second delay might be dangerous.

Once you put God first, have faith that He is in charge and can do all things. If your pastor is unwilling to go with you on this journey, ask that God send His spirit and angels ahead of you to clear the road of all agents of darkness. Going to beg for forgiveness would stop the influence of the devil over your life.

Don’t worry about this person listening to you or not, your concern is obeying God and doing what He says to secure your victory over this dangerous foundation.

God is your strength and armour in this battle.

Good luck.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Fallacy Of Online Romance: Your Take?


Dear Agatha,


I just finished going through your web, www.auntieagatha.blogspot.com. It is really nice.

And it brought about this nagging question. Is it right for men to use the online option to search for a woman?

To be honest, I doubt the workability of such a relationship because ladies hardly take such open request from men serious. From my observations ladies hardly reply, though there are few exceptions.

My conclusions are that the average lady has too many men asking for her hand to be bothered about the mystery man on the lonely heart column or behind the cover of the internet. She lacks both time and patience to pay attention to online 'applications' for relationship from men she doesn't see.

Another thing I observed is that ladies' who summon the courage to write make unrealistic demands.

Even at that she ends up more confused by the responses she gets to her requests.

Added to this is the fact that when a person sees too much of something, there is the tendency to take such thing for granted. The thing is that ladies are used to requests from men to take men who come to the lonely-hearts columns serious.

What therefore in your view, are the factors that can explain this trend?

Ajibola.


Dear Ajibola,

My views are simple. The man was created to be the hunter and woman the prey. Hunters go in search for their prey even in the most difficult and excruciating conditions. A desired prey can attract the attention of many hunters who want it for keeps. This is the same principle that works in a man and woman relationship.

It is the prerogative of the man to run after a woman, not the woman to run after the man, at least before marriage.

When a girl is in her prime, she is like a beautiful bouquet of exquisite flowers, attractive to all eyes that see her.

It is natural for such attention to get over the head of a woman and live her with little or not time to pay attention to men who for one reason or the other decide to use the lonely hearts columns to find a partner but it doesn’t make the process entirely unworkable.

There are women who still bother to read these columns or go to the Internet to find a partner. There are several women who have been hurt, are tired of the fakeness of the rush hour, too confused to know who to settle for or want something entirely different from others. These categories of women do crave the mystery and company of lonely heart columns as well as the Internet to source for their men.

For people who aren’t bothered about such thing as physical beauty, looking for partners who have that extra special feature which like gold takes plenty of patience and dedication to unravel, the lonely-hearts columns may provide them with all the alternatives and differences needed to be happy.

It must be emphasised here that lonely hearts are not meant for everybody; it is only for those who know its worth that appreciate its essence.

Contrary to expectation, they are not for those who are frustrated or unable to attract the right attention. It takes a woman who is definite about what she wants to give attention to the anonymity lonely-hearts columns or Internet dating offers.

On the issue of women not rushing massively to respond to requests from men, women by nature are conservative and cautious than men when it comes to signifying interest in a relationship. Women think out all their options properly before responding while men respond to women first before thinking. This account for the high mails women get and the low volume men also get.

Good luck.

Any Sense Giving Him Time To Send-off His Ex?


Dear Agatha,


I’m 25-year-old final year student. There is this guy I met last year, also a final year student. We started out as friends until we discovered early last month that our feelings for each other went deeper. When he told me about the change of his feelings for me, I also didn’t pretend about mine for him.

However, he pleaded with me to give him time to deal with the issue of his ex girlfriend who is back begging him to reconsider their relationship.

Agatha, as it is, she might have the upper hand over him because it appears he’s still very much in love with her. Unfortunately, I’m helplessly in love with this man. As it is now I’m at a difficult crossroad, not knowing if I should quietly quit the relationship or stay around him. I confess leaving him isn’t going to be easy for me at all.

Bukky.


Dear Bukky,

It isn’t always easy to get out of an existing relationship especially where the other party is unwilling to let go. If you love this man and trust him, you must exercise the needed patience for him to properly clear up the debris from his previous relationship.

If you don’t give him the necessary time and support to properly disengage from this relationship, you may find yourself unable to move this relationship forward as time goes on. This would come primarily from that nagging thought inside of you that he might still hold a strong touch for his ex.

In addition, he has to convince himself too that he is not making any mistake leaving her for you by giving himself the opportunity of x-raying his options properly.

Being in love with you won’t stop him from still harbouring feelings for the other woman. And unless these two feelings are put side by side, it might be difficult for him to decide which of you is the most precious to him. Whatever he is feeling is natural just as his request for time is necessary.

Besides asking for time to end one relationship before beginning something new with you doesn’t automatically mean he is going back to the other girl or signal that he finds his relationship with her more rewarding than yours with him. If for nothing, this man need be praised him for being so honest with you. Some men won’t tell you a thing about their ex especially at this nascent stage; they would find such admission or request too dangerous to make for fear of losing the new girl.

By telling you he is soliciting your trust in him. It won’t be such a bad idea to tell him. You may not be comfortable but love and relationship building is all about sacrifices. Each day brings on with it a new challenge, a new dream, and a new reason to make it work. It also bring with it choices to be made.

Rather than concentrate all your worries on the possibility of the two of them coming back together, use this extra time of practice to really analyse your feelings for him. What do you like most about him in the one year he and you have been friends?

Sincerely, you started from the most important point, friendship. It is the cement that binds two people together. Friendship makes it possible for two people in a relationship to discuss honestly, objectively and constructively. You can only suspect him of insincerity if your friendship was flawed, devoid of the chance of peeping into your characters and identifying your strong points.

As your friend, by now you should be able to tell without hesitation when he is on a mischief mission or a good-intentioned one.

I know love, most times, makes nonsense of our good intentions or beliefs, but discussing your fears with him as well as your decision to quit for the other girl would help you know where you stand as well as his plans concerning your declaration of love.

Don’t make the mistake of ending it without involving him because that would hurt you both immensely. Having told you of his intentions, he demands loyalty and support from you. If you run away before he is ready, you would leave him with no choice but to take his chances with this other woman. You would force him to think you are not serious and unworthy of the risk of investing his life and love on.

You may think he is enjoying all these but if you look deeper you would find a man who is scared because whatever decision he takes now would have an impression on his life. He is almost approaching the final lap of his bachelorhood. The woman he decides on is most likely to be the one he would end up marrying. So, this time, what he is asking is more than the issue of his former ex, rather it more about his future. He has to consider which of you would best suit his dreams in life, the one with the most measure of understanding, care, respect and belief in his person.

He is retreating to make a major decision so if you want to be part of this life, you must not be in a haste to vacate it for another woman or fear of not being woman enough for him. Let him be the one to tell you he has made his decision. It is best you hear it from him than to hurry out of it only to find out that you have made a very big mistake.

For now, pray that God shows you the way to go because unless God gives His support to this desire of yours, it may not work.

Good luck.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My Daughter’s Boyfriend Must Be Arrested Now…


Dear Agatha,


My daughter is 17, pretty and well behaved. So I thought until I began to notice her receiving strange phone calls. Initially I ignored these calls, thinking they were from female friends until I chanced on her declaring her undying love for the person on the other end of the phone.

I was livid with anger so I grabbed her phone, dialed the last number that called to warn the boy or man to stay off her. I threatened to have him arrested if he comes near her again.

My daughter who has just written the Joint Admission and Matriculation Examination had the effrontery of accusing me of being unfair to her. This is new because never has she spoken back to me. I suspect this boy may be responsible. So I’m thinking of having him locked up to drive home my point that he is a negative influence on my daughter.

I desperately need your advice because I don’t want her to make any mistake in life. Her attitude is giving me concern. As far as I am concerned she is still too young to know anything about men and women.

Please help me.

Roseline.


Dear Roseline,

Be careful else you would lose the love and respect of your daughter. Yes, at 17, she may still be a baby but the changes in her body have made her a young woman, one crying to be given freedom, to be understood and the right to be heard. She is only a year away from Nigeria’s official age of consent. In the developed countries of the world, she is a year above the age.

To continue to be her mother and best friend, you must listen to her, discuss with her and dialogue your options if you don’t want to lose her to friends or people who should not have a say in her life.

The ages of 16 to 18 years are the most troublesome for both the children and parents. These are when the hormonal changes are their most potent and very obvious. This is when the child transforms from the age of complete innocence to the age of awareness. That a child isn’t sexually active to know doesn’t deny the child of the knowledge of the changes going on inside his or her body.

These changes give them the same feelings, urges, desires and awareness the more matured adults have. Theirs, being completely novel come with all the excitements and promises of new beginnings. You must understand from your own experiences at their age that these feelings cannot be caged neither can the children whose bodies are being ravaged by the hormones control the effects of these natural but necessary invaders.

The hormones prepare them for the only assignment natural to man and woman, procreation. It is primeval, something no amount of scolding, imprisonment, threats, beating, denials can change. From the day we were born, it has been wired into our subconscious. Our main purpose on mother earth is to have sex and children. This is an indisputable fact. Every other thing we do in between like getting education, acquiring extra knowledge to develop and improve our environments is in between assignments. That is why sex remains the most consistent topic through the ages right from the Garden of Eden. It is the only thing that has resisted change just like the sun, moon and star.

And this is why our responsibilities as parents must be pegged on love and understanding to ensure that our children have the confidence to face the changes going on both inside and outside them.

The first thing is for you to accept that there is nothing you can do about those feelings going on inside of her or prevent her from falling in love. It is a natural process, and Mother Nature is preparing her body for the ultimate assignment of a woman in life.

Your duty as her mother is not to oppose Mother Nature but to help her minimise the negative side of the process. I totally agree with you that she needs monitoring but not the excessive force you are considering. Locking that man up would only make your daughter more determined to follow her heart. The stubbornness and resilience of the teenager, especially the female, is legendary. If she thinks you are too strict, she might decide to do that thing all females do to tell their parents they are of age. She may decide to get pregnant simply to show you that she is her own person. When that happens, you stand compromised. At least until she finds her feet again, you will bear the most shame of her act of rebellion.

Technological advancement has made motherhood these days to be the most difficult assignment on earth. While our mothers and their own mothers got away with attitude like yours, it would be difficult for you to because all the information today’s teenagers need about their sexuality is at their finger tips. Mothers before us managed well because so many things in those days were shrouded in secrecy.

Contemporary technology has made our children more advanced than their physical ages. They have so much information more than you and I could possibly have when we were their ages. So don’t deceive yourself into thinking that this man is a negative influence over your daughter or responsible for her actions. Such information she can get at the press of a button in or outside your home.

Rather than fight her, deploy dialogue. One of the worst things that can happen to a female child is to get pregnant before her time. Not only does it derail the child, it equally calls to question the moral values of her mother. More often than not the mistake actually comes from the attitude of the mothers who forget that those heady years need wisdom and not threat to navigate safely.

The first step is to realise that she is no more a child but a young woman. Learn to listen to her voice and pleas just as you want to be listened to by her. We are given our experiences in life to help others succeed where we have failed and provide it when necessary to teach life’s important lessons. If you recall your own growing years and how much you despised your mother for being too hard, for not understanding you, you would know how to handle this delicate stage of your daughter’s life.

All you have to do to make this task easy is for you to go back in time a little bit. It would help you put things in their proper perspectives, it would give you wonderful clues to make this period enjoyable for both of you.

Destroying the phone or seizing it would not solve the problem, like I earlier said, would only complicate the situation between the two of you.

Whatever your own mistakes and high moments were as a teenager, learn to share them with her. Doing so would help her to understand you as a person, bring about a bond between the two of you. It would, more than anything else, help you two talk about the disparity between your worlds. The talk would help refresh your memories on the changes going on inside of her. It would also remove whatever suspicions she has of you. By discussing the subject of your past with her, you invite her to be your friend and for you to be her confidant.

As her friend, the gains are tremendous in that it helps both of you know your limits as well as your liberties.

In discussing your own teenage years, don’t leave out the mistakes of your own past, the wrong decisions you took which are still affecting you till date and how your mother tried to prevent the mistakes from happening. These are subtle ways of reminding her of the vulnerability of her own current situation and how disappointed her decision could turn out to be if she isn’t careful.

Tell her that you are not against her falling in love but would appreciate if she allows you to be part of the process by bringing the man home to meet you. This may worry her a bit but assure her of your good intentions as well as promise not to do anything that would compromise her image.

Meeting the boy would help you access him and monitor the development between the two of them. The fear of what you would do to him should he do anything to hurt or compromise your daughter would put some fears into him to behave. There is some security for her too if the boy is known to you.

Demanding to see him would produce two results, terminate the relationship if the intention of the boy is simply to sleep with her or change his intentions for good. The forbidden and secret fruits are usually the sweetest. Legitimacy gives a measure of sanity to an act formerly thought forbidden. Insisting on meeting and discussing with the man involved would kill some of the excitements in the relationship because at the end of the day, you would have succeeded in making it appear as non-issue, even though it is, deep down.

This doesn’t mean you would stop praying or showing interest in what she does. It only means changing your line of discipline through enlisting her help and involving her in the control of her affairs.

It is called joint responsibility. It takes a whole load from you while conferring on her certain level of responsibility. The fear of not disappointing you is enough to make any young and thoughtful girl stay out of trouble until she is ready for the responsibility of sleeping with a man.

Meet her halfway. It won’t hurt you to let her see your fears, know why you are having those fears and how disappointed you would be if she fails to make it in life. Facts of life is not an abstract lesson but one every adult has walked through before. This is not the time for you to play the superhuman mother. You lack the strength of your own to paddle her across this ocean of life without her help and the help of God. She is also very confused but just don’t know how to ask for your help. Being the more matured one, show her you care by holding out your helping hand to her. That stubbornness is a camouflage for a cry for help. Don’t drive her away by being so uncompromising. It won’t help either of you.

Remember life is in seasons. This is her season, help her make the best of it so that when she moves from this stage, she would always have you to thank for being such a supportive and understanding mother.

Good luck

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

She Pesters My Life With Love I Don’t Need


Dear Agatha,


There's this lady who has been showering me with lots of love and care. But deep down me, I know I don’t love her but enduring her attention because, I don't want to hurt her emotions. I don't know what to do.

Bright.


Dear Bright,

You would hurt her more if at the end of the day she finds out that you never loved her and lack any plans for her. No matter how she would feel by your revelation, tell her the truth about your precise feelings for her.

Granted, she may not like it now but overtime, especially when she meets the man who really cares for her, would come to appreciate your sincerity. In time, she would come to not only appreciate you but also come to respect you for not taking undue advantage of the situation. Being frank can be very cruel but it should never stop anyone from telling the truth.

However the way you make your presentation is very important. You don’t have to be mean simply because you don’t reciprocate her feelings towards you. It could be your turn to fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you tomorrow, so be mindful of her pains and sense of emotional bereavement at not having your love for keeps. Take her to somewhere special and private. Soften her by telling all the good points she has and how much you wish you could produce the type of feelings that would make her happy being with you. Be honest but deploy wisdom. To be rejected by the one you love is very difficult so be very gentle and humane because she didn’t choose to fall in love with you, rather her feelings made the decision for her just like yours refused to hook on to her signal.

Let her know your decision isn’t something personal but a situation you have no control over. The way you treat this issue would go far in determining how fast she heals from the wounds of rejection as well as the type of relationship that would exist between both of you thereafter. You may not love her but you two could remain meaningful friends, a development which at the end of the day could be more beneficial to both of you.

Good luck.

Return Of Her Ex From Abroad Alters Our Dream


Dear Agatha,


I am an avid reader of your column and have benefited from your responses to people's questions.

For two years, my girlfriend and I were happy together, and our relationship was the envy of others around. But all that changed when her ex-boyfriend who has been out of the country came back and her attitude towards the relationship changed.

Before now, we were at liberty to call or receive each other’s call as often as possible. But not anymore, these days I would call her and she would refuse to pick my calls.

Early last month I went to visit her but she wasn’t comfortable with my presence so I left. After an hour, I tried calling her but her phone wasn’t going through so I went back there but she was not at home. I decided to wait for her. But I ended up waiting till the morning of the next day.

Just last week, I saw the name and number of her ex-boyfriend on her phone. When I called to enquire if he knows anybody by my girlfriend’s name, he responded by referring to her as his girlfriend. Severally, I have called my girlfriend to clarify the actual nature of her relationship with her ex but she keeps telling me they don’t have anything together again and that she has only seen him twice since he came back to the country.

Please what do you think I should do about this?

Felix.


Dear Felix,

When things get this messy, it is best one step aside. This is to enable the other person who is having doubts get clearer signals concerning his or her feelings for the current person in his or her life.

Only one relationship of the many we enter into in life is expected to have a happy ending. Many things add up to make what appears to be so perfect not so perfect any more. You simply didn’t realise it, this other man has always been between you and your girl except that he has never manifested as a major threat to you until now.

Obviously your girlfriend hasn’t gotten over her feelings for her ex. Chances are that she and her former boyfriend were never apart even while he was out of the country. Loneliness and trepidation over the uncertainty of the future with the other man may have driven her into your arms.

With the man back, she realises that their dream can come true after all and that whatever she may have had with you is nothing compared to what promise this other man have always held, and still holds for her. It’s unfortunate that you are the one at the receiving end of all these, the one whose heart and happiness have to be sacrificed for her own happiness.

Life is about gambles, choices and decisions. Since she has started avoiding your calls, exhibiting unease at your presence in her house, refusing to explain her whereabouts to you, don’t linger too much around her if you ever loved her. This is one painful sacrifice you have to make for her. Give her the chance to be happy with her man. I appreciate that she lacks the right to treat you so shabbily or without offering you any explanations but forcing her to choose between you and her former boyfriend would not endear you to her now, rather it would only make things worse between the two of you. Her problem is the lack of honesty and transparency from the beginning. She should have told you from the beginning her arrangement with the other man as well as why she is going into the relationship. That would have prepared you for this moment instead of giving the impression that she and you had a future together.

The issue has gone beyond her, to protecting your person from both hurt and ridicule. You can either decide to drop out completely from her life by refusing to call her or visit her anymore. The only draw back is that she may come around later to accuse you of being unfair to her, leaving her for another woman.

Besides, it is a cowardly way to end something that gave you so much joy in the beginning.

If she is refusing to take your call, send her a text message insisting on discussing something very important with her. If she still refuses to give you an appointment, inform her of your decision to give her a chance to be with the man she loves better than you. In the text, let her know that even though you are hurt by the development but you love her enough to let go if it would make her happy.

Don’t bother if she still refuses to take your calls or reply to your messages. Your conscience would at least be at peace within you that you tried your best.

If it is any consolation, every relationship we go into in life, including the ones that end up on the altar are all gambles because even in death some of us still regret the choice of the person we spent our lives with.

God may be saving you a lot of stress in the future because of the many things He knows about us, which we don’t know. Whichever way it ends, learn to trust and support the will of God for you since some of the things we regard as disappointments in the beginning of our journey in life turns to be blessings at the end.

Good luck.