Dear Agatha,
I am 17, waiting for admission into a university of my choice. Last year, my sister invited me over to stay with her because of her baby. I was glad to be of help, because she and I had always been very close. I missed her so much when she relocated to Asaba with her husband. Besides, it also afforded me the opportunity of living life outside my parents’ home and away from their monitoring.
What I thought was going to be fun turned into a living nightmare some months after my arrival in Asaba. Initially I enjoyed the experience of tending to the little baby, looking after my sister and caring for her home. Being the last child of the family, I didn’t have any baby to look after at home neither did I have much housework to do since my elder siblings all dotted on me, tagging me baby and never allowing me to do any serious work at home.
It was against this background that I welcomed and looked forward to going to stay with my sister. Exactly three months after I arrival, my brother-in-law started behaving very funny. He would come home when my sister is not at home, call me into their bedroom either to make the bed or help him remove his shoes.
Although my sister didn’t allow me wash her under-wears and those of her husband, her husband would insist I wash them when she is not around. I didn’t mind, but began to wonder what his agenda was when he would insist I should not tell my sister. I didn’t know how he explains the clean under-wears to my sister and I didn’t ask.
I started suspecting something odd when without knocking on the door to my bedroom he would barge in, unmindful that I could be naked. I also noticed that he never behaved like this when my sister is around. He adopted a fatherly mien whenever my sister is at home.
I don’t know how he manages to come home every morning from his branch manager work, yet he does it effortlessly. The Thursday before Easter, he came home with some strange gifts for me, these were packed G-String pants, transparent and short nightgowns, and some funny looking bras.
Although I am still a novice in the way of men, I knew it wasn’t the right gift to give to one’s sister-in-law. And when he told me to put them on for him, I knew I was in greater danger than I realised. I declined and threatened to inform my sister about the gifts. That got to him, because he pleaded with me not to show my sister or tell her that he comes home to see me every morning after she has left for work.
Fed up with the whole development, I told my sister I wanted to go back home to our parents but she refused. She thought it had to do with her or the amount of work she was giving me to do. She promised to get a paid help to assist me with the house chores. She said she wanted me to be around her, that my being with her gave her so much joy. I couldn’t bear to hurt her or break her heart by the things the husband was trying to do with me.
She got a house-help, a young girl. I was happy because it meant I wouldn’t be alone anymore. My brother-in-law didn’t like it one bit. I heard him asking my sister what was my use in the house if she had to pay somebody to do the work. To which my sister reminded him that I wasn’t invited to be a house-help.
For a while, he stopped coming home and allowed me my rest, but that didn’t last. He adopted the tactic of sending the help on some strange errands. Once he tried to rape me, telling me he must have me. I fought him; using the knife I was holding in the kitchen to threaten him.
Agatha, he has taken away my joy. I don’t know what to do, and I suspect he is having a relationship with the house-help, because she is now fond of disappearing from home at a particular time in the morning. She would come home bearing gifts packs; some similar to the presents of under-wears he gave me. There is no way I can prove this, but my heart bleeds for my sister. I do want to go back to my parents, but how do I do that without telling my sister? The friend I made in the neighbourhood whom I confided my problems said I should tell my sister, that my brother-in-law’s reputation with young girls in the neighbourhood isn’t something to be proud of. She mentioned two girls in the area he had befriended, one who recently aborted a pregnancy for him.
Do I tell my sister all I know about her husband and the real reason I want to go home? I am so confused and afraid of what this man is capable of doing to me. You have become like a mother to me, please help me.
Ijeorna.
Dear Ijeoma.
Don’t tell your sister about it because the information would break her heart and home. Despicable as the behaviour of her man is, telling her would cause her more pains and disappointment than the man obviously in need of psychologist counselling. Besides, he could easily deny it, shifting the blame on you. He could convince your sister that you were the one putting the pressure on him to sleep with you and that when he refused, you threatened to blackmail him by telling your sister.
When matters become this messy, there is no telling whom your sister would align with. There is the tendency that she might, out of a desire to protect her home and the fact that you are a young girl who may be questing for a man to unbridle her of her virginity, queue behind her man. In love matters and marriages, the most adorning sister could turn into a monster when she perceives her territory under threat, especially since none of the girls he went out with would want to come out to say what they did with him behind closed doors. Against this background, you don’t have the experience to deal with this.
The wise thing to do would be to call your mother and explain to her your urge to come home. Though she might wonder why and insist you keep your sister’s company, tell her you have a problem only she would understand and solve. As a mother, she would not hesitate to tell your sister to permit you to come home for a while. Enlist her support not to tell your sister that you requested for the visit back home.
When you get home open up to her, explain all that happened and what transpired at home to your mother, tell her what the other girls told you, what you suspect is going on between him and the house-girl and show her the gifts he bought you. Don’t add or remove anything from it.
I am sure she would know how to go about it without breaking your sister’s heart or home and without straining the relationship between the two of you. You have learnt one of the first lessons of being a woman, especially a budding one. Don’t trust any man. Avoid being in a lonely place with a man or assuming a certain man can be trusted because of the relationship between the two of you. Relatives are just as dangerous as strangers. As a woman, be careful how you handle yourself in the presence of male friends and relatives.
Don’t also forget to always commit yourself to God. You were able to survive it because of His protection. Not many young girls get away unhurt from such development. You were lucky because God was on your side.
Good luck.
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