Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Should I marry as HIV positive woman ?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a lady of 26 years of age. I am worried, confused and afraid of going into a relationship because of my status. I am HIV positive, and most time when a man I really like approaches me for a relationship, I usually turn down such request, because of my status. Instead, I insist on being friends with such a man. With the way things are going in my life will I ever get married? Please I need your advice. Worried lady. Dear Worried Lady, Don’t condemn yourself on account of your status or help a man to make up his mind even before giving him a chance to know what the challenge before him is. Love has a way of making what appears imperfect become so perfect. There are some men and women who submit completely to the power and meaning of love no matter the package it comes in. These are the people who are ready to go the extra miles for the person they love. Haven’t you heard and seen very handsome or pretty women opting to marry extremely physically deformed persons on account of love? God in His wisdom has a way of balancing His acts. It is a simple matter of trusting Him completely. If you keep turning down every request made by men to date and get to know you, you will never get that important chance to discover the man meant for you. You have to give a man the chance to see beyond your looks, your status to the real you. The real you is what he is going to live with at the end of it all. Everything including sex, youth, beauty, health and agility will one day eventually fade away in life, but never the essence of one’s being. This is the part good and wonderful memories are made of – the part of our being that remains pure. How we live our lives, the kind of values and happiness we give to those around us come from here. For those who are deep and farsighted, this is what they look out for in their life partners. When the soul of a person is cast in solid gold of happiness and goodness, there is no way the partner will not overlook what he or she looks like on the outside. There is a huge life out there after testing positive to HIV. It is a matter of knowing what you want and going about it with a sense of huge responsibility. You won’ t be the first or the last. As long as you tell the man at the centre of your heart the truth concerning your status, give him a chance to make up his mind on whether to go ahead with you or not, then there is nothing to fear or ashamed of. The fact that you are HIV positive doesn’t necessarily make you promiscuous. The world is better informed these days sufficiently enough to know that there are other ways of contracting HIV that have nothing to do with sex. So also has the stigma and perceived horror of it reduced significantly. These days, the death sentence associated with the condition has given way to certain measure of optimism following break thorough in medical science on wonder drugs that can reduce the spread of the virus in the body. The boldness of certain people to tell the world the truth about their status and the good health they enjoy through the help of these drugs have also given hope to where none once existed. The result is a less fearful and tolerant society. More than anything else, a lot of people understand that despite testing positive to HIV, one can live a fairly normal life with an understanding partner. Besides having broken the barrier of being strangers to being friends, you can tell one or two people you know can for now keep your secret. The reason is to give yourself the needed boldness to face the reality of the situation on the ground. Honestly, this will determine your question of whether or not you will ever marry and have children. You will marry and have children if you stop taking pity on yourself by breaking the protective walls you have built around yourself. Break through come only after a spell of pains and disappointments. As a matter of fact, the stories are sweetest when they come after situations like yours. Learn to be more trusting in God and His unique ways because in His diction there is nothing called impossibility. When the right man comes, not even his family can stop him if God has ordered it. But you have to come out of your shell first. Good luck.

Does it make sense I tell my relatives she’s older?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 30 this month. I am still single and still a complete novice when it comes to the issue of women. Recently, I met a lady who will be 32 in two months time. I am seriously thinking of getting married to her. Nobody in my family is aware that she is two years older than I am. In my mind I am bothered that it might be a wrong move not to tell my family members. Don’t you think it is wrong for me not to tell my family about her age especially as her menopausal years aren’t too far away? Please I need your counsel? Ida. Dear Ida, Relationship or marriage is an agreement between two persons to share their feelings and lives. And for this arrangement to work perfectly, certain things have to remain between the couple forever. This is what makes a marriage more than a sexual union to being a spiritual, emotional as well as physical coming together of two complete strangers. The point a man or woman takes confidentiality between couples out of a relationship, the consequences is exposure to all kinds of damaging influences from outsiders whose views on how things should be done in one’s life is defined according to the every person’s selfish interests. Only God should be the third person in a marriage or relationship. There is no way your family will not shoot down your attempts to marry a woman older than you. It is natural for them to, because the thinking of a lot of people is stitched in time that a woman must be younger than her man for the sake of the order of things in the house. A younger woman is most likely to take orders from an older man than from one she is older than. But we know from the quality and experiences of many couples that being younger than one’s husband doesn’t translate to respect for him. Therefore the real issue here is what do you want from life? I think you should start from there first, and not bother yourself too much with her age or the fact that at 32, she is already into dining with menopause. Women who are a lot older than her still manage to get pregnant and have healthy babies. Medically at 32, she still has many good years ahead of her. As long as nothing is wrong with her womb or your reproductive system, don’t worry about the viability of her womb. She is just as capable of giving you healthy children as any younger woman can. Like I said, concentrate on getting to know her. Everybody is blessed with a special attribute, difficult to replicate in another person. That you found her worthy of your interest is a step towards finding out about her. Nobody in your family is going to live with you once the ceremony is over. So the woman you will be spending your life with has to be someone you are comfortable with as well as one you will like for the rest of your life. This is why the decision has to come from you. If you like her, study her. Observe the way she treats you when you are alone and when with friends. Is she the kind that respects you, will she support you no matter the situation, be more than a wife? Is she caring, supportive, understanding, has the right temper and loyal to you? Is she dependable and trustworthy? These are very critical points to ponder on more than the issue of her age. Since nobody in your family can guess she is older than you from looking at her, it means she isn’t looking her age at all. So why make an issue of it unless, you are the one who is really bothered and merely looking for an excuse to end the relationship. This is the point you must be very honest with yourself. It won’t serve any good to pretend you aren’t bothered about her age when in the real sense of it, you are. If you don’t see yourself being able to live with her with the knowledge that she is older than you, let her go. Be man enough to tell her your reasons and not use your family as an escapist route. Your answers are in your ability to face reality. Be real and be truthful to yourself. Good luck.

Can I be my lecturer’s lover?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, A young lecturer in my department is interested in dating me. Though he is nice and claims to be single, he has this reputation of being a womaniser. I don’t want to get hurt. Besides, I don’t want people to query my certificate. What do I do? I am confused and I need your help. Vina. Dear Vina, Although there is no law prohibiting romance from developing between a single lecturer and his female student, the motive of the relationship has to be right and well focused. What is his interest in you? To sleep with you for the fun of it simply because he is in the position to extract revenge if you don’t by failing you in his course or he sees you as a young and promising woman he has interest in? It is also a function of what you want from life and your vision of the kind of man that will help you to achieve these dreams in life. If he wasn’t your lecturer, would you date him? Do you consider him worthy of your attention and feelings? Be real with yourself at this important point of your life. In plain English, do you have any kind of feelings for him and simply scared of giving it freedom to fly because he is your lecturer? Granted, being a womaniser is bad news for any woman wishing to date a man, however, a clear understanding between the two of you can straighten this rough edge. It is a matter of knowing where your individual limitations are and the motive for entering into the relationship. That you are dating a lecturer doesn’t automatically nullify your certificate in the eyes of the world or makes you a subject of gossip. A lot depends on how responsible you both are and the caution you apply to your affairs. If his intention is to marry you at the end of your course, there is no way he would allow you to play with your studies. Often than not, gossips and questions come about from the kind of attitude the woman at the centre of such sensitive relationship puts up. If you are an exhibitionist, it will attract unnecessary attention and interest in your private affairs. But if you are able to handle it maturely by knowing when to make your affair private as well as when to make it public, nobody will make an issue out of a student dating a young lecturer in search for a life partner. If you really think there is a possibility, listen to what he has to say but be clear on certain things you want. But a word of caution here, don’t assume you know what he wants from you. Give him the chance to explain what he has in mind. Thereafter, make obvious from the beginning that your reason for dating him. Also, he has to do away with all his excess loads. And the only way you can be sure is to insist that until you graduate, there will be nothing intimate between both of you. This way, you will be able to correctly tell what his real interest in you really is. If he agrees to a sex-free relationship, nothing should stop you from following your heart. In life, our individual happiness is very essential. Don’t live your life for others because what works for some people may not work for others. The only barrier here is you. If you like him, begin by being friends. And if you don’t, explain your reasons for not wanting to be part of his life. Make it clear to him that inasmuch as you like and respect him as a person, you don’t have the kind of feelings to enter into a romantic relationship with him. Let him know that the feelings have to be right before you allow any man into your space or occupy your heart. Let him know that it is nothing personal. Plead with him that you wish you could manufacture the feelings to give him what he wants. If he now insists on victimising you for turning him down, go to God in prayers for directions on how to handle the situation. There must be one or two persons close to him you can report him to. Do that and if it fails to achieve the desired result, threaten to report him to the authorities should he award you low marks. On your part, fight back with your intelligence and self-confidence by studying to pass very well. Only excellent grades can authenticate your story of sexual molestations against him should he take that path. Furthermore, having the right kind of conduct will make it difficult for him to turn the case against you. Good luck.

How do I prepare my daughter for marriage?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am an orphan who grew up in a motherless babies’ home. According to records, my mother abandoned me by a dustbin where I was found. I didn’t particularly like life at the motherless babies’ home but I didn’t have a say in the matters concerning my life. Fortunately, I went to school, got a job and left the home to be on my own. I was able to further my education to the university level. My first attempt at a relationship got me pregnant. Unfortunately, my partner died before he could introduce me to his family. Since I had a good job, it wasn’t difficult for me to fend for my daughter and myself. She became the centre of my world, especially as she looked like her father. After the birth of my daughter, I was able, through the help of his best friend, to locate his family. His parents were very nice and accepted the child without too much questions. According to them, they didn’t doubt the paternity of the child since she reminded them so much of their dead son. They took care of the child and I as best as they could. When the dad died, being their only child, they passed on everything they had to her. I didn’t marry because I wanted her to have the best of my love and care. I didn’t want her to feel loneliness like I did when I was her age. I wanted her to be very happy and secured; something I may not be able to give her should I marry. Now, she is about to marry and this is the area I need your help. It has always been the pair of us. I don’t know anything about marriage or what it entails for it to be very successful. I have done my best as a mother to train her to be responsible but there is the fear in my heart that I haven’t done enough to prepare her for this particular task of being a wife. I am very independent-minded and have taught her to be too. But something tells me deep inside that this may not be too good for the well being of the home. I know my child; she can be very irrational and argumentative, but she is an angel inside. How do I prepare her for the institution? What do I tell her, given the fact that I have never experienced matrimony? I want her to be a good wife and mother to her family. She is 27 and her wedding is on July 28. Please, help me make my girl’s home happy. I don’t want anybody saying she failed because she is a product of a single parent. I want her to keep whatever you say as a treasure. Incidentally, she is a great fan of yours; hence I plan to bind all the copies of your Marriage Clinic into a form of book for her as a wedding gift. Enitan. Dear Enitan, You come across as a very good and reasonable mother; an assurance that you have given her the right foundation to be a good wife to her husband. It is immaterial if you have been married or not. Motherhood is about helping our children value life in the right ways. Your concern demonstrates this fact. With your kind of mother, I doubt if she would make the mistake many young girls make concerning the management or otherwise of their homes. Every woman desirous of enjoying the support and desires of her husband must learn to be respectful. No matter her level of education, position or influence, the fact that she is leaving you to take on the name of another man means she should at all times be respectful to the man and his family. In the home of that man, she is your ambassador, the one who tells the kind of training you have given her. Therefore, at all times, it behooves her to show humility and deference to her man. No matter the kind of provocation she experiences, what he does, she must never raise her voice against him or join issues with him when tempers are high because two wrongs can never be right. At such times, she should simply keep quiet and allow him be before explaining her side of the story. Tell her a marriage isn’t a court of law where one has to claim rights always. Even when right, wisdom demands she should learn to let go for peace sake. Men have this natural tilt towards authority. As the head and leader of the home, it is his right to be obeyed even when it is wrong to do so. At least for that moment, she should learn to until she gets her time to voice her concern and reservations about certain decisions she isn’t pleased with. To argue with him when the iron is still very hot will cause commotion in the house. Marriage is a market place of patience, tolerance, selflessness, caution, loyalty, prayers, friendship, understanding and wisdom. Every action she takes must be thoroughly thought out before she makes them. This is to prevent misunderstanding and hurtful words that cannot be retrieved when the situation eases off. At all times, she should be careful about the kind of words she uses on her husband or children because of the power of words. This means she must be on her knees everyday, praying her family into peace and success. In the same way, she should pray out those things she doesn’t want in her marriage. Talking to God about a problem lessens the burden of fighting or nagging her husband. It also makes it easy for her to say sorry easily to her husband. At all times, she should involve God in her marriage. His presence clears the fog of disharmony. Tell her that love is like cultivating a beautiful garden of precious flowers. For the garden to grow and remain evergreen, it requires time, attention, devotion, patience and extreme care to bring out the best of the plant and from the layout. It is the same way with growing, nurturing and keeping a marriage. Weeds, in the form of impatience, careless words, neglect and lack of attention have to be kept out of the marriage at all costs. To keep them is to bore a huge hole in the heart of the marriage; the kind that gets wider if care is not taken on time to patch things up. Tolerance is about knowing when to ignore and say certain things. It is also appreciating when to let go completely of some matters for the sake of peace and happiness in the long run. This is important; letting go is essential because marriage is about two completely different people coming together to make a life. This is why she has to let go because values and ideas are different. Allowances must be made in every marriage for the peculiarity of the other person’s strength and weakness. Her job as a wife is to always cover up her husband’s weak points, never letting an outsider know what these weaknesses are. She must, at all times, be available when her husband desires her body and presence. Romance should be exciting and lovemaking adventurous Sometimes too, it isn’t just about lovemaking but about having quality time as a couple to discuss and bond. This would make it easy for them to become more than lovers to being firm friends. When couples become good friends, they are able to develop the kind of relationship no challenge can permeate; rather they become so attached to each other that they are able to joke about seemingly serious matters tearing down other marriages. No matter how busy she gets as a wife, mother and person, she should never make the mistake of neglecting her home or the food her husband eats to the care of a house-help. A wise woman cooks her husband’s meals, washes his clothes and keeps his home clean. Allowing another woman do these intimate chores is like conceding her territory to the woman. Her husband’s care should be her business. She should also make out time to take her husband out, including for very naughty weekends; sending romantic and suggestive test messages, buying him gifts as not just his wife but as his girlfriend. The idea is to engage and keep his interest at home always. A woman should be able to play the role of her man’s girlfriend and wife effortlessly. It is the method wise women have used to keep their homes fresh and exciting. She should never be shy to introduce an idea or method to her romance with her husband. If she fails to do so, other smart women will, which would spell danger to her home. She should also learn to endure her in-laws. Having a liberal mind helps her to view things more objectively rather than sentimentally. This will help her in no small way to keep her immediate family together. Good grooming is also a factor in a successful marriage. She should always strive to look her best. In all, marriage is a journey of eternity. She should be determined to make it work at all cost. Good luck.