Thanks for being there for me to share this problem. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend since 2007. She has been of tremendous help. This is besides her being so kind, loving, understanding and faithful.
We are both 25 years of age and for now I don’t have enough money to marry her. Already the family is pressuring her to get married. Even though she has told her family I remain her only choice of a man and that it would be difficult for her to find another man who would love her as I do, they haven’t relented in their quest for her to get married. I am so confused. I don’t know whether to tell her to yield to the pressures of her parents or to wait for me.
Mikel.
Dear Mikel,Don’t make things difficult for her more than they already are by asking her to succumb to the pressures of her parents. Telling her parents you are the only man for her tells of the kind of love she has for you and the vote of confidence she has passed on your love for her.
The choice is not for you to make for her. She is the one who has to make the choice between what you both share and the fears of her parents.
Her parents are applying the pressure on her to marry out of a hidden fear that when you are finally ready to marry, you may not want to marry her on account of you two being of the same age.
Given the numerous instances of the disappointments that often end such relationships, her parents have every right to be apprehensive and their pressure is a way of protecting their daughter from what they see as an endless wait.
They don’t know you or how serious your desires for their daughter are. Besides, having swum repeatedly in the powerful tides of experience, they are also anxious about the uncertain clouds of the future. This is something that just happens that is often times not planned. From the blues it comes and hits hard at its target leaving that person with no time to think or make amends.
Love is something one doesn’t plan. It simply happens without one knowing the why or how. You must come out of the shadows to assure her parents that their daughter is your final bus stop and that no woman would ever be able to capture your heart from her.
You must also discuss your plans with them as well as give them an idea of when you would be ready to marry their daughter.
It is the only way they would stop pressurising her as well as give her the support and peace to wait for you. To be frank, as long as she is under their roof, they can manipulate, harass as well as intimidate her into submitting to their pressures. This is why you must take the bold step of meeting them and discussing your plans with them.
They must know you to have the confidence to trust in the decision of their daughter.
However, this decision comes with a greater responsibility and commitment than you already have with your girlfriend. Therefore, before you go to her parents, you must search your mind for true answers to your fears and reasons.
Is money the only reason you think you are not ready for marriage now? Would you marry her instantly if you have enough money? What about your psychological preparedness? Do you have what it takes to head a home, take responsibilities for another person’s life, be a father to a dependant child? Can you withstand the pressures of being married? Have you had enough of your freedom as a young adult? What about being of the same age? Have you in particular thought about it deeply and have come to the conclusions that no matter what, your love for her would eclipse any social problems that may come from being of the same age? Do you have the maturity it takes to live with a woman, to understand her behaviours or reasons for behaving in a particular way most of the time? Do you have what it takes to put up with her various mood swings especially at some odd times of the month when she becomes inexplicably irritated and refuse to be reasonable when at other times she would accept such situations without complaining? Do you have the peace of mind to care for her when she needs you to?
Beyond the issue of money are these challenges. A man could have all the money in the world to marry but if not ready psychologically for marriage’s brand of pressures and challenges, he would never make a good husband or father. More often than not this is where negative issues begin to build up in marriages, which if not properly handled cripple the marriage at the end of the day.
One of the first questions you should ask yourself and find answer to is, how much money do you need or would be enough to make you ready for marriage?
These are salient issues her parents are worried about and asking you to give them assurances for through the pressures on their daughter to give you up.
Telling her to go would only justify the position of her parents that you were never serious with her and that she was better off without you.
You may not be ready financially to embrace the commitment that marriage requires now but if you are honest and plan ahead, things would work out between the two of you.
Like her parents let her know what you are doing and what you have in place from time to time. Between you and your woman, you must be able to tell her the truth even if that truth may hurt her for sometime.
Once everybody is in the know, things would work well for both of you. Your planning period and her waiting for you to be ready must have a time frame. It is the lack of time frame that is the bother here. You must give her something reasonable time to tell her parents, sometime reassuring and encouraging to enable them give their daughter the much required peace of mind to wait for you to be ready.
You don’t ask a single and young woman to wait endlessly and expect her family to be happy. Unlike a man, Mother Nature isn’t so generous with a woman when it comes to her biology. If her waiting isn’t defined, it may affect a lot of things in her later life.
Your inability to resolve your inner conflict and prioritise is the issue not this woman or her parents.
Good luck.
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