At 23, she is desperate to get married

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been close to you through your column and must confess, your solutions are very useful and well appreciated by many out there. I am a single man of 29 years old; I lost my four year relationship two years ago due to my education. I was in my final year and couldn’t take on the responsibility of marriage. My girlfriend was in a hurry to get married due to pressures from her family members.  After my youth service last year,  I combined resources with a friend to set up a business. I did this because I couldn’t afford the needed capital alone.  I confess, God has been faithful to me in the business. Agatha, I am now in a new relationship which I am very comfortable with. We were a year old last month. But my problem is with her people who are also on her neck to get married because of the many suitors coming her way. She is 23 years old and would be going for her youth service in February next year. Early this year she invited me to their house to meet her parents. I went with a friend of mine but didn’t go with any drink. I just bought present for the mother. She introduced me to them as the man she is interested in marrying. Her people welcomed me warmly. I have also introduced her to my people as my fiancée. Now she wants us to do a formal thing next year. She said we should either do the traditional marriage; where her bride price would be paid or do the white wedding which I am not ready for because of the financial implications. My plan concerning marriage is for 2014. Please how do I make her to understand and wait for me, because I don’t want to lose her to any man or should I impregnate her? Worried Bartho. Dear Worried Bartho, The easiest part of being married is the singing of the dotted lines. A lot of things go with marriage. Impregnating her isn’t a solution you must consider. It would only compound things for you because both mother and child would require money and time which by your own admission you don’t have now. The fact is, if you are buoyant enough to impregnate her, then nothing stops you from going the whole step by marrying her. Even if you succeed in getting her pregnant, do you have all it takes to be a father and husband? The real issue here is, are you ready for the attendant challenges that are concomitant with the institution? Having a baby is just an aspect of marriage. It requires both money and healthy psychology to bring up a child. There is no managing or pleading with a child to endure one’s financial constraints. There is no running away when a child is hungry or outgrows clothes, shoes or is ill. Only an irresponsible man goes into marriage ill prepared for the attendant challenges that go with being a family man. This is why you should call your woman for a heart to heart discussion. She needs to understand that the people pressuring her into marriage will not be there with her when things are not going well in her marriage. Understanding, patience, sacrifices and selflessness are what make a marriage survive the storm, not the pressures she is getting from her family members. Although the foundation of marriage draws its strength from sentimental feelings, the success or otherwise of a marriage should however be premised on reality. Make her know what your actual financial position is now and what it would be in the next five years while you and your partner grow the business. Explain everything in details to her. She has to learn to trust you from this early stage in your relationship. If she has sufficient faith in the future you are building, waiting one more year for you to be ready won’t be a problem. If she is going for her service year, it follows that by the time she is finishing, you will be ready to marry her. Explain to her that, going to pay her bride price doesn’t stop you from misbehaving or discontinuing with the wedding plans. She has to understand that what matters most at this point in time is the love you both share. Trust is what buys the future of a marriage or couple. She also has to appreciate the fact that unplanned marriages often than not, cannot withstand the turbulence of the storm. Urge her to look around her for facts and figures on the outcome of unplanned marriages. As her man, find ways of appeasing the fears of insecurity she has in your relationship. It won’t be out of place to hear her silent fears; the reasons she wants you to marry her at all cost this year. As long as her antenna is hovering around fear and desperation, it behooves you to take extra time to explain yourself and situation to her. Whatever is the cause of her fears; must be dealt with urgently to protect the future you are both planning to share together. This is the time you need to show her the required understanding to sail through this testing time in your relationship. Make the reason for her desperation to marry urgently at 23, your business. This is because it is strange for a young woman at that age to be so desperate. Normally, women at that age want some freedom before settling down. Ask her why she wants it urgently. Her explanation may reveal an ugly incident in her past which you must help her to deal with. Since you have met with the family, go and discuss with her father about your plans for their daughter. Being a man, he will definitely understand where you are coming from. Explain your reasons for wanting to wait till 2014 as well as the kinds of plans you have. Don’t act god in an affair you lack the knowledge and wisdom to pilot. Marriage is one institution where one needs the mercy and presence of God to succeed. To act against His will is to court problems you will never be able to manage efficiently. If both of you are meant to be together, you won’t lose her to any man. No matter how hard you try to keep a person not meant for you, the person will eventually leave you so, there is so much sense in allowing God to conduct your affairs especially when it comes to the issue of who you spend the rest of your life with. The hazard of a young choice is best imagined than experienced as a wrong partner can torpedo one’s whole dream in life. Rather than get frightened at the idea of losing her, focus more on God for His plans for you through prayers. You can be sure if this lady is in His plans for you, nobody will be able to distract her from you. A child needs to be planned for; not used as a tool of selfishness. Furthermore the presence of a child has never been known to prevent break-ups in relationships or marriages. The child and not you ends up suffering when the parents are unable to resolve their differences; you and your woman have to arrive at that crucial point of trust in your love and association. This is the kernel of your differences. Good luck.

Do I become harsh to sustain a relationship?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a single guy of 28 who has developed the habit of being nice to girls I come across. However, these girls soon lose interest in me and my friends are of the opinion that women appreciate men who are harsh to them. Sincerely, harshness is alien to my nature. What should I do? Should I stop being nice to them? I want to be in a relationship because I want to marry at the age of 32. Please help me. Worried Guy. Dear Worried Guy, Discount the opinion of your friends; it isn’t true. Just as men like different things in women, women too like different things in their men. Besides, we are all products of our environments. Out there is a woman who will do anything to have you in her life. No matter how the environment conditions a woman; deep inside her, every woman wants a man to love and cherish her. Though a lot of women are today confused about what they really require in their men; but the norm is for a man who is friendly and caring. However, there is a huge difference between being nice and a weakling. Majority of women don’t like a man they can control; it becomes a problem for women to accord such a man the kind of respect deserving of his position as the head. If you are the kind of man a woman can override, send on cheap errands and control, you may really have problems finding the right kind of woman. Being nice is showing respect, understanding and consideration. This doesn’t mean you must fail to draw the lines when you have to or act stupidly in situations where you have to take the lead. Women appreciate a man who is really in charge. When a man forfeits his rights as the head, not many women will be comfortable having him in their lives. It is important you make the distinction if you want to find the right kind of woman to share your life with. Good luck.