Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Greener pasture turns my son to slave in England…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I recently travelled to England to visit my son who has been in that country for 15 years. This would be my first time of seeing him after all these years, as well as the woman he married six years ago.

I really looked forward to my stay in that country and to behold the woman my son has spoken so fondly of.

You can therefore imagine my surprise and acute disappointment when I met her to discover that not only was she older than my son but also lacked any kind of respect for him.

From the very first moment of my arrival, she asked me where I would be putting up since she didn’t like the sight of me.

It took my son quality time to make her agree for me to stay. When we got to their house, she didn’t even bother to ask me what I would eat. It was my son that did that. Because I was too tired from my trip that day, I slept off immediately I ate.

The next day, I woke to discover that it was my son cleaning the house, washing the plates and cooking while she sat in front of the television. He didn’t even have enough time to chat with me as she insisted he did one thing or the other for her.

I also noticed that anytime I demanded privacy with my son, she would call him to their room.

I also noticed that she kept going out, sometimes coming back early the next morning while her husband stayed at home. Sometimes right in my presence as well as my son’s, she would be addressing other men with endearments meant for her husband. I don’t need anybody to tell me where she goes in the kind of dresses she wears or the kinds of friends that come to visit her.

It was when she was out on one of her numerous outings that I got a chance to speak with my son.

The hour I spent discussing with my son revealed something deeper than what I had witnessed. My son was jobless and depended on his wife for money. To make things worse, they were into what you modern people call open marriage.

At first, I didn’t understand this until he explained to me. Their kind of marriage permits her to keep other men and since she was the one bringing in the money, he can’t complain else she would throw him out.

A week after my arrival, she came into my room to inform me that I had only three more days to stay in that house and that if I wanted to spend more time in that country, I should look elsewhere to stay.

My son just stood there without saying anything. Since I didn’t have anywhere to go, I decided to come home.

Since coming back, I have not stopped weeping. I don’t know how to go about bringing my son back home. Before I left, I tried talking my son into leaving this woman; he flared up and called me enemy of progress. He only managed to drop me at the airport. As I write, he hasn’t bothered calling or responding to all my calls or e-mails.

Two heads they say are better than one. Agatha, how do I go about freeing my son from her grips? I suspect she is using something on my son. She comes from Togo has lived in that country all her life.

If the woman stays too long in my son’s life, he would be completely useless for life. Please help me. He is 38 years of age.

Worried Mum.


Dear Worried Mum,

I feel your anxiety as a mother but this is one issue that needs utmost care to tackle. If he has lived with her for six years and is comfortable with their arrangement, it would be presumptuous of you to think he would listen to whatever reservations you have against the arrangement.

In the first instance, he hasn’t lived or seen you for 15 years. He left you when he was 23 years of age and now he is a man of 38 years old. He cut his adult teeth in his host country, living his life and defining it to adjust to the situation he finds himself in.

From all indices, you know next to nothing about the son you are meeting after 15 years of living apart. He is no longer the young man who left you and has obviously grown in his own person. To change that kind of person, you need time and wisdom.

Even though you didn’t like what you saw, you shouldn’t have said what you said to him and his woman. Whether you like it or not, that woman you asked him to leave is his wife. Irrespective of whatever power you think she is using, as at this moment, she represents his meal ticket in that country. For him to leave her, you must provide him with a better alternative to what he has now.

Furthermore, being an adult, you cannot live his life for him. If he is comfortable tending to the house and needs of his wife, you must learn to respect his wish at least until you are able to think of what your next step should be.

As it is now, you have only succeeded in alienating him from you as well as justifying whatever reservations his wife had against your coming to stay with them.

You may not think it right but your son doesn’t seem to mind whatever his wife is doing as long as he has a place to put his head and meal on his table. Contrary to what you think, the woman may not be using any charm at all on your son. The situation your son finds himself in that country could have changed him, his view of life as well as values so much so he is ready to look the other way as long as he is happy.

Rather than assume the woman is the cause, you should have found out from your son what his views are on what you observed about his wife. The fact that he could persuade his woman to allow you stay for the number of days you stayed shows that he isn’t under any kind of spell. If he were, you wouldn’t have been allowed into that house in the first place.

Sincerely, this is the time to show your son more love than you have showed him all the years. He doesn’t need you to criticise him or his choice for now. Though you have every reason to be apprehensive as his mother, pretend for now that it isn’t such a big deal. It is the only way you can really find out what the matter is with him. The fact that this woman can still attract other men should tell you that your son needs her more than she needs him. If she can afford to sleep with other men who pay her good money, then she can easily replace your son with any of these men. For them to be together means something deeper than what you see is involved.

Get close to your son by apologising for your comments if you hope to rescue him from whatever you think may be wrong with him. There is no way you can do it by being hostile to his wife. For now, she remains your only chance of regaining the confidence of your son. From your letter, there is nothing to indicate if he finished school or not. You must have information about him to know what kind of help to offer him.

If you haven’t sent her an email or called to thank her for allowing your stay when you came over, this is the time for you to do so.

Begin by apologising for the late phone call or mail. Thank her for her hospitality to you as well as her love for your son. Build on this by constantly sending her good will messages while ignoring your son completely.

There is no way she won’t communicate your mails to your son. By making her the focus of your attention would eventually make your son speak with you.

Resist, in the first few months, questions pertaining to his life or marriage. Restrict yourself to his welfare. By that time, you would have thought of alternative plans you have for him back in Nigeria.

Without making it obvious, begin to open his eyes to all the opportunities that are available in Nigeria. Keep up this tempo until he is interested in coming home.

Follow whatever you do with prayers. God is the only one who can help you free him or give him back his senses to be whom He designed him to be.

Frankly, the situation has gone beyond you fighting with anybody. Prayers and God’s wisdom are what you need to win this battle.

Good luck.

How do I know he’s good for me in marriage?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I appreciate the way you answer questions. I want to know how to identify a good husband since someone is asking my hand in marriage. I don’t seem to like him.

But Agatha, I don’t know if am making a mistake rejecting him.

Ada.


Dear Ada,

Good wife or husband is the measure of care, responsibility, respect, selflessness, friendship, loyalty, understanding, patience, support and sensitivity put into making a relationship work.

But the most basic, the point of entry is the quality of feelings one has for the other. If this man loves you and has the idea that you would make a good wife for him and you don’t even have the slightest bit of feelings for him, there is no way both of you can be happy together.

Your feeling must be right, without it, there is no way you would have the patience and presence of mind to listen to what he has to say. Without you having the right feelings for him, you will never give him the kind of happiness, respect, and loyalty he deserves as a man.

This requirement is a must. Even if you know what you are looking for in a man, if you don’t feel anything special for him, nothing would work between the two of you.

Feelings don’t lie; the confusion comes in when we refuse to listen to the prompting of our hearts; when we want something very different from what our hearts insist on; when we fall in love with our heads rather than our hearts.

Unless you are not sure of your reasons, don’t even know what you want from life, confused about what your idea of an ideal man for you is, don’t have a change of mind because to do that would be to sentence you and this man to years of undeserved unhappiness. Best you disappoint him now than after you have exchanged vows.

A good husband is the one who puts the interest of his wife before his own, who is conscious of his responsibility to her and the children; who would never compromise the happiness of his home and who spends quality time at home irrespective of how busy his official responsibilities are.

He is the kind of man who has the maturity to overlook the tantrum of his wife especially at that time of the month when she is so irritated at everything; is able to manage her at times, able to walk away from a potentially combustible situation at home without giving in to his urge to use his fists to shut the woman up.

He is also a considerate lover, friend, cheerleader, head of the home as well as a team player who is ready to give every encouragement to his wife to grow.

He is also that kind of man who knows how to lead without the use of intimidating devices; the kind who has mastered the use of his presence, looks and silence to communicate his displeasure at certain things in the home rather than words.

Finally, he becomes one who takes pride in the presence and person of his wife no matter her conditions.

You may have to look critically at your reasons to know if you are making a mistake rejecting him or not. Is your reason based on material considerations or is natural? To be sure you are on the right path; you have to be honest with yourself. Would you still feel this way if he is absolutely rich and able to buy anything you want for you? Is your reason based on his physical appearance, his environment or for the simple reason you don’t feel anything romantic for him at all even if he happens to be the most handsome or richest man on earth?

How much does he differ from your dream man? Are you one of those young ladies who base their choice on the romance books definition of an ideal man?

In the real world such things don’t exist. Your ideal comes from a sincere assessment of what life has to offer. You miss the target of what the real world offers by sticking to unrealistic goals. By applying patience and tolerance, you come very close to what works for you. Don’t judge any man by his first appearance if truly you are interested in meeting your ideal man. Take time out, irrespective of what he looks like, to get to know any man who comes your way.

Accepting a date from a man isn’t the same thing as agreeing to his proposal. The essence of the date is simply to enable you study him at close quarters. Sometimes our ideal person may come from the person’s sense of humour, deep sense of responsibility, intelligence, sensitivity and a whole lot of other attributes not related with the person’s looks or position.

Unless we are willing to give that person a chance to be close, we may never know what we want from an ideal person. This is why many marriages are failing.

Keep your options open until you are absolutely certain of what actually makes you happy.

Good luck.

Church deceived me to marry divorcee with four kids

Marriage Clinic With Auntie Agatha; gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel.08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a widower with three children. The first and second are in their second and third year in the university while the last is in boarding school in one of the unity schools in Ogun State.

Out of loneliness I decided to remarry. I confided in my church elders who all said it was a wise move.

Before telling them of my intention, I was already involved with a woman I still love very much and who my children also love. She has two children from her previous marriage. But since I wanted to please the church hierarchy, I ended the relationship and accepted to date the lady one of the elders introduced to me.

According to the church, my former girlfriend is not qualified because she is a divorcee and she isn’t a member of our church.

Although I really don’t love this second woman as much as my former girlfriend, I went ahead with the wedding plans.

Three weeks after the wedding, you can imagine my pains and shock when I discovered that she isn’t only a divorcee but also a mother of four children. Incidentally, one of the children she once introduced to me as her niece - a claim the elder who introduced her to me corroborated then – turned out to be her daughter.

When I confronted the leadership of the church with what I discovered, I was really surprised they all knew about her history. According to them, they said, they thought I knew about her children and status.

When I asked why I wasn’t allowed to marry the woman I really loved, they said it was because she wasn’t a member of our church. They said the husband of the woman they forced on me treated her badly and that since they know I am a gentleman and comfortable enough to help her with her children, they acted in the best interest of the woman, her children and me.

Agatha, it isn’t the fact that she has children or a divorcee but the conspiracy of the people I trusted the most. I have since vacated the house temporarily for her because I can’t stand her and everything she represents.

What is bothering me now is the insistence of the church that I cannot divorce her. The pastors and the elders are insisting we stay married.

Agatha, I am really in need of someone to talk to. I want my former woman back. I have made up my mind never to take this woman back but the pressures are too much for me to handle on my own.

These days, I curse the day my wife died. I am losing weight and focus. My business is suffering and my children are alarmed. I just need an understanding shoulder to lean on. Because the church is involved, not many people want to openly identify with me. It is all so crazy because it is a church my family has attended all their lives, not even my relations are willing to come out in the open with their support.

Privately, they insist I should not take her back but in the open they say something else.

Please help me.

MB.

Dear MB,

The most important thing now is for you to take a complete break from everything to avert the greater danger of you making another costly mistake.

If it is possible, go for a holiday in a secluded place where you can think and have a conversation with God. The issue has become too complex and messy for you to handle without the help of God and time. Besides, you need to get away from everyone else because of the cacophony of views that are now coming your way. If you don’t move away urgently from everyone and everything, you could risk having a psychological break down.

At this point, you must think only of the consequences that any emotional or health breakdown would have on your children. They are the only stabilising force you have now. For their sakes, you have to get this thing behind you fast because they are the ones who would suffer the most should anything happen to you.

By the time you come back from your holidays, you would be stronger emotionally to confront the situation than you would now. Currently, you are hurting, feeling betrayed by those you trusted, neglected by your family, all making you feel helpless at the death of your wife. Chances are if you dwell too long on this particular point, you might never experience joy in life and matrimony.

Unless you have the leading of God or feel something special for this woman, don’t allow anybody blackmail or intimidate you into continuing with her. The foundation of this marriage is defective and based on lies. Before God and man, you don’t have any obligations to continuing with it.

The leadership of the church has been compromised in this matter making incompetent to insist on anything concerning that marriage. As long as you were deceived into marrying her, they don’t have the right to force you to continue with the clandestine arrangement.

The choice of whether to continue with the marriage or not should come from you. As things are now, you don’t owe anyone except your children any explanations for your decision. It has gone past that stage. Stay with this woman only if you think she has all it takes to make you happy but if you don’t think so and unable to move beyond this point with her, don’t pretend about it.

At this stage in your life, having lost a wife to death, you need more than a woman to make you happy. You need one who is a friend, truthful, loyal and honest as well as a mother to your children to help you carry on. You don’t need a woman who is manipulative because it would affect the happiness of your children later down the road.

A woman who can collude with others to lie about her marital status and her children isn’t exactly one you can trust with the future of your children or your happiness for that matter.

As a widower with children, your interest in women must go beyond your own feelings as a man, it must in a way submit to the now and future needs of your children whose mother isn’t around to give protection to them.

Unlike a man who is divorced from his wife, you just cannot afford to tangle with any woman. You are the only parent your children have left.

Nobody or church can live your life. To play your role effectively in the church and to the society, you must be happy as a man. This for now should be your motivation; it is the key to your own happiness.

Once you are able to clear the cloud of your present situation, you will once again find happiness and the will to live. Just learn to put your trust more in God and not man. God remains the only one who cannot fail. Read and understand the words of God on your own. This way, you will not be deceived by strange doctrines or the interpretations of men.

If you feel like talking to me, don’t hesitate to call. God is your strength.

Good luck.




Re: My housemaid is pregnant for my hubby




Dear Timileyin,

You just used the excuse of your ‘high-flying’ job in the bank to write a modern day James .H. Chase novel. And the tragedy is that you are still adamant to write a horrific sequel to an already on-going sad ending. Whatever informed your mindset that your husband was going to wait for you forever to cook his biological and emotional food?

While you were busy romancing your so-called bank manager position, your African husband was equally kept busy in the ‘departments’ you thought were irrelevant to your present status.

You can’t eat your cake and still have it. Whether you like it or not, your housemaid is now a bona-fide wife with a 5-month pregnancy to the bargain; mind you the baby is legal and any move to abort same could lead to a Police case. Your hubby is not even ready to listen to your idea of illicit-harvesting of the baby. This is pure ‘Wahala-in-Form-Six’ because your own parents are silent on you.

Your only way out? Win your hubby back by allowing this baby to stay and begin to keep him busy sexually. Please make sure you prepare African dishes for him yourself and be there always to massage his ego positively. Also involve your Pastor to pray for your family. Follow Agatha’s advice completely, and your hubby can be yours again. You have lost the war, not the battle.

I hope all other African wives are listening; this can happen to anybody. The time to act is now!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I’m not bold enough to woo girl…

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column and I really like the way you help people. Now I need your help, please. I am a young guy of 19 years of age. I have the problem of lack of self-confidence, especially when it comes to wooing a girl. I can talk to girls, especially girls I don’t have much interest in, but when it comes to meeting a girl I really like, I wouldn’t know how to woo her. It’s really becoming a big problem for me. Please help me.

Worried Boy.


Dear Worried Boy,

When talking to your female friends, you are not tensed or anxious to make an impression. You are able to act normally, not minding your mistakes because you don’t have anything at stake at all with these women.

On the other hand your desire to impress and gain the acceptance of any woman you are interested in makes it difficult for you to relax in her company.

When next you meet any woman you are interested in relax and pretend you are talking to a friend. Refuse to be intimidated by the prospect of her denying you or laughing at your mistakes. The fact of life is no man is an Island. We all learn through our mistakes and if you don’t make a mistake along life’s many bumpy turns, there is no way you would be able to gather the needed experiences to help others in their times of need.

Any woman you are trying too much to impress isn’t worth it. Chances are she would leave at the end of the day when she discovers that all you did to get her were done just for the purpose of impressing her.

At 19 you are very young and full of ideas on how to impress a woman. Usually things don’t work that way. Always have it at the back of your mind when seeking friendship from any woman that you aren’t doing something new. From time immemorial men have performed the same ritual. There is no big deal approaching a woman for a relationship. It is a simple case of either turning you down or accepting. If she says no to you, it is because you both aren’t designed to have a relationship and not due to any inadequacy you suffer as a man.

The cold fact of life is not every woman a man approaches for a relationship would agrees to it. Women have different reasons for turning a man down. From the reasonable to the most ridiculous: a woman would always give a reason to back up her decision to accept or to reject. That one woman turned you down doesn’t mean another woman won’t jump at the opportunity of being your date. Dating is a matter of personal choice.

When next you meet a young lady you are interested in don’t make the general mistake most men make by telling her you love her. Reasonable women find such a declaration insulting and equally portray the man as a liar. You cannot fall in love with a face; love is a more serious matter of knowing the character and person behind the face.

Stick to the truth of telling her that you find her person attractive and would appreciate if she becomes your friend. This tells her you are serious minded, honest and not after her body. It also tells her you are interested in her person and mind.

Being friends offers you the opportunity of really getting close to her, knowing who she is as well as the other side of her that is not visible from observing her facial expressions.

Life is about confidence building. If you don’t have it, nobody can give it to you. As a man, don’t ever allow any situation or woman to erode your beliefs in yourself, no matter the situation. Approaching a woman isn’t a do or die affair. There would always be moments of loss and gain.

Don’t worry as you grow older you will discover this basic fact. What you are experiencing goes with your age.

Good luck.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

He forfeits my photos when I called it quit…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I was in a relationship with a boy currently 20 years of age. I am 18 and we are both in the same school and class. We are both in class three of Senior Secondary School (SSS) although in different arms.

We became close when we went for a seminar organised by the school. We exchanged numbers. He called one night to ask what I was wearing, the question was very irritating to me and I ended up terminating the call.

Some days later, my very close friend called me to give me a message from her pastor, someone I don’t know and who doesn’t know me either.

Following this message, I told him I wasn’t interested anymore in the relationship and gave him reasons I was taking the decision. He refused saying he is different from other boys I know. I have deleted everything about him from my phone but he has refused to give me back my photograph as well as forget me.

I am really scared and confused because tomorrow is very pregnant.

Stacia.


Dear Stacia,

Indeed your tomorrow is very pregnant and what it brings forth is how much seriousness you invest into it today. If you neglect the important things in life for the frivolous, that tomorrow will surely bring up a package you will be ashamed of, but if you take time out to properly cultivate and water it will the right nutrients, you will have a lot to be happy for.

The life of a woman is very delicate and can easily snap whereas that of the man is timeless. A man of 90 can still begin life afresh as long as he has air in him whereas that of the woman begins to wean at half of this age. He can become a father to as many children as he wants in a day, whereas at that age the woman is already too wrinkled to think of the warmth of her man. Therefore a woman has a short time to be serious and focused if she hopes to have a stress free life.

Your concern should be how to pass your Senior Secondary School Leaving Certificate Examinations not worrying over a boy. You at a very delicate stage in your life, one you need every concentration to overcome with ease and flying colours.

You don’t need a pastor’s warning to know you have to be careful. Apart from being at the most important stage in your educational pursuit, you are also at the most fragile stage in your life. Any mistake you make now will have far reaching impact on your life. You are in a stage where you can either make or mar your entire future so be careful what you market as being most important to you.

If you give the impression that boys are what you want the most now, they would come in large numbers. If this boy isn’t ready to let go of you, you let him go. Stop picking his calls if necessary since he isn’t ready to be just an ordinary friend in your life. If you persist in ignoring him and his calls, he would eventually get the message that you are no longer interested in him the way he is interested in you.

Holding on to the photography is his way of keeping you in his heart. Allow him the indulgence if it would do him any good. It is a stage in life for him. At stage, a lot of young boys and girls get their kicks from staring into the photographs of their friends. This stage would soon fade and he would either throw away the photograph or return it to you.

To insist he gives it to you when he obviously wants to hold on to is to give recognition he no longer has in your life as well as a value on something you can easily afford to ignore.

Your insistence on having that photograph back makes him think he still has powers to force you to do his will which is why he is refusing to give it back to you. He wants to use it as a weapon to negotiate with you or make you have a rethink about the relationship. But if you ignore him and that photograph, he will definitely have a rethink and give it to you without pressures.

By the time you are through with your secondary school and in the university, there will be a lot of young and responsible men to select from. If you fail to make your papers and he makes his, he would shift his attention to another lady who is academically more successful than you. It is the way life works. Success has a way of attracting more friends than failure.

Listen to the words of wisdom from the pastor it is coming because God has better plans for your future.

Good luck.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Masturbation may soon mutilate my future…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

May God continue to guard and protect you for the good work you are doing for mankind.

I am 21 years of age. I started masturbating from an early age, in fact as early as age nine. And it has steadily grown worse to the point of it becoming a hobby. Even when I don’t have the inclination to I just do it for the fun of it.

What do I do to save myself from this act that has become part of me? Please I need your advice urgently as well as both the positive and negative effects of this habit on my future and me. Please I need to know. How do I get out of this mess especially now that I am going to school? I don’t want this thing to embarrass me.

Sam.




Dear Sam,

There is no contesting the fact that you have stayed too long with this habit. Definitely it would take more than a passing will to eradicate this inclination of yours from your system.

It would take a lot of discipline as well as determination to overcome. The first step is realisation that it is wrong. But to get it completely out of your mind, you must take a trip back into time you started it. Can you remember how you got into the habit as well as the purpose of it?

Do you think the reason for your preference is still valid? At what point did you begin to feel ashamed of yourself and loath the habit as well as.

You must find the equilibrium between then and now to fight it effectively.

The truth is that you are no longer nine years of age. Whatever made you go into it at that time obviously isn’t valid again. Even though it isn’t advisable for you to go into premarital sex because of the spiritual and health implications involved, you are now old enough to be intimate with a woman instead of depending on self-expression as a means of relief.

Like every other addiction it is going to take a long while to break. But you simply have to start from somewhere. And that somewhere is where you are now, the point of knowing you simply cannot continue with this habit any more.

Frankly, nothing I say can make a difference unless you are absolutely sure you want to move away from the point you are in now. It is more important for you to go to God in prayers. He is the only one at this critical point in your life that has all it takes to help you.

Follow with a spirit of submission to His will. When you are obedient, you will know what to avoid as well as what way you should go. One thing is to masturbate when the urge comes on another thing is to do it as a hobby not having the will to stop, take cognizance of where you are and not minding the consequences of what you are doing.

According to statistics, most men of adult age had at one time or the other engaged in masturbation either as fun or get relief when their partners aren’t around. At times too it occurs naturally when there is an abundance of sperm in the testicles.

Sometimes the urge comes from watching adult films or lusting after a female body. The onus is on you to find out why you are still doing it. Honestly if you do and make up your mind to leave it, you can, by diverting your mind away from your body at all times.

You can achieve this by trying as much as possible to avoid the signs that bring on the urge to touch your body. One of the most effective ways of beating the habit is to ensure you have people staying around you, someone or people you know has/have a strong will to resist should you decide to engage in your hobby. Such persons must have a measure of control over you, someone you have tremendous respect for and who has the maturity to keep quiet about it.

Because you have stayed too long with this habit, whatever positive benefits it has, has been defeated. Now its negativity is such if you don’t stop now it would be very difficult for any woman to please you in the bedroom. Also you would have time coping with her timing as you have over the years structured your body to your own timing and pleasures.

This is going to be the major challenge; learning to teach your body all over again to go the natural way.

You may also consider taking on a sport that would drain you of your energy, both mentally and spiritually. This way you would just be too tired to think of anything but sleep. Reading the words of God would also help in removing your mind from the pleasures and demands of your body.

Good luck.

My husband is insensitive and selfish

Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Is marriage worth all the hassles? I got married last year and already I am getting tired of it. My husband is one of the most insensitive human beings I have come across. He comes home very late everyday and expects me to always be awake to open the gate for him, tend to his needs as well as ensure that his food is very hot.

He forgets that I am also a career woman and that apart from being his wife I have my own life to live.

I have honestly tried to be patient with him but in the last couple of months, I have grown tired of his careless and selfish attitude. I wake up sleepy and unable to concentrate at work. His attitude is affecting the whole of my being and existence.

Twice I tried to register my protest, it resulted into a terrible quarrel between us. It isn’t as if he doesn’t have his key but he appears incapable of using it. Sincerely, I think he is an over-pampered boy. His brother who was staying with him before we got married really indulged him because he was doing practically everything for him. When I came in, he had to leave because I made it clear I needed my privacy with my husband, so he left for the campus.

I no longer love him as I thought I did. Fortunately, I am yet to give him a child which makes it very easy for me to walk out of this marriage. I didn’t plan to be a slave to any man at all. If he wants a slave, he is welcomed to another wife because I just cannot go on tolerating the situation. Out there, there are a lot of men who would gladly have me and accept me for who I am.

But my mother thinks differently. She says I should continue to endure that it would eventually sort itself out.

She thinks I am too impatient and too idealistic; that the place of a woman is to ensure her man is happy.

She actually encouraged me to write to you for help but my mind is actually made up.

I am tired. Marriage is an equal partnership not one where the man arrogates to himself powers he doesn’t have at all.

Shile.



Dear Shile,

Even if you leave your current husband for another man, you would still experience the same thing there. The average man is incubated in the tube of time to act as the head and cover of a woman. There is no equal status in any marriage; the man would always assume the head of his home whether the woman likes it or not.

It is either you leave him and remain single for life to enable you take complete charge of your life or face the reality of bending to the leadership of your man.

From your mail, the major problem is your attitude to your husband as well as your attitude towards marriage. You must have the right attitude to be able to endure the challenges that come with marriage. There is no way you can hope to be happy in your relationship if you don’t first of all give respect to your man. Every man needs respect to be a good and understanding husband.

There is no way your husband would listen or accommodate your complains if you are rude and challenging about it.

Even if you are the bread winner, older than he is, the fact that you dropped your maiden name to take on his own, makes him the leader of that home. Therefore you must apply wisdom and plenty of tolerance in dealing with issues concerning him and your home.

According to your husband, respect doesn’t make you weak or less of who you are. The joy of every average woman is to be married and have a home of her own to manage. No matter how educated, well positioned in the society a woman is, her ultimate dream is the still to get married and have children of her own.

Your marriage may appear unimportant to you now, lose it and you would know how valuable this marriage is to you.

Therefore, listen to your mother and apply patience. If it is any encouragement, you don’t have monopoly of this problem. So many women out there have husbands who are behaving like yours; who come home late and want their meals still hot. It is the reason microwaves are becoming very popular among modern housewives. It is a matter of warming his food in a microwave or oven-proof dish while he is taking his bath. Before he comes out of the bathroom, the food would just be the right temperature to satisfy him.

And since you have an idea of when he comes back daily, get as much sleep before he comes back to make up for the time you have to attend to him. The fact that you are always home before he comes back shows that you have more time on your side. It won’t hurt you so much if you have slept for an hour or two before he comes in.

I know it can be very irritating but the fact remains you have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices for your marriage to work. Women as home builders have made sacrifices like the one your mother is asking you to make for the house to become a home.

This is especially so since you are aware that his brother has always been the one playing this role in his life. If he has never used a key to open his gate and door in his life, even if you give him a copy of the key, he won’t know how to use it. It would take careful and patient tutoring on your part to get him to see why he should learn. From experience, he would eventually come to your way of thinking only if you are ready to endure this period.

Another thing you should also put into consideration is why he is staying out late. There is no way he would persistently keep late nights especially at this early stage of your marriage if it isn’t official.

And if he is doing it deliberately, then you should change your attitude towards him. The average newly wed husband would want to come home to his wife; that he is avoiding coming home shows that he isn’t happy and trying his possible best to avoid coming home to you. If you think it has nothing to do with his official duties, please for the sake of your happiness, endeavour to change your attitude to him.

There are various ways to change a man without fighting him. For instance, if he has fallen into the habit of coming home, as a good wife, try to find out why, listen to the things he isn’t saying more than the excuses he is giving to you. This way, you would be able to find out what the problem really is in your marriage.

At times too when a man wants to register his protest over an issue he has consistently complained of at home, he deliberately does things to annoy his wife to communicate his annoyance. Since marrying him, is there something he has persistently complained about and which you have ignored? If there is, this attitude of his may be his way of paying you back in your own coin. Like you, he also may have made up his mind about ending the marriage.

The clues you gather would inform you on how to make your marriage work.

As things stand now, stop complaining altogether. Don’t frown, be happy to receive him at whatever time he comes in. If deliberate, the moment he discovers that you are no longer affected by his late coming, he would begin to come home early while thinking of another way of making his displeasure known.

And if truly it has to do with his job, look for a time he is very relaxed to complain lovingly. Begin by telling him how special he is before registering your complain. Between the two of you, you can agree on something that would work for both of you.

Sincerely, I agree with your mother. Marriage is about practical solutions. Whatever concept you came into this marriage with must be deleted from your memory to make way for realistic ideas to come into your marriage.

Good luck.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Won’t I regret giving him my virginity before wedding night?

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for all your help to people that have challenges in their relationships and marriage. May God bless you.
There is this guy I’m dating, he understands me and we both think alike. I love him and know he does too, even though we have not said anything to each other. But our actions to each other tell the story of our feelings. We have known each other for six months and have been dating each other for three months.
I have had other boyfriends before him but have never felt the way I do with him. With him, I can say and discuss anything.
Agatha, the major issue at hand is that I am a virgin. I didn’t sleep with any of my previous boyfriends because I didn’t like them enough.
But I feel like it is right for me to give it to him. I have always said in the past I would keep my virginity until my wedding night, but I don’t think I can wait any longer. He isn’t rushing me into it but I think it is okay because I love him.
I’m going to see him soon. But I think I am having second thoughts on whether he would still feel the same way after I must have slept with him.
Agatha, should I give it time by waiting just a little more time? Would I be disappointed in myself for not keeping to my promise of waiting till my wedding night?
Chi.



Dear Chi,
What happened between the time you made that promise to yourself and now to make you want to break it? Granted that you have fallen in love deeper than you have ever been but is it enough reason you to want to do away with something so priceless and so honourable to a woman?
If there is a time for you to be very careful it is now. True love is beautiful but is also the time people make the most mistakes in their lives especially if it is the first time one is truly experiencing its magic and full potency.
The best gift you can give to your man on your wedding night is your virginity. No matter how permissive the world has become, men take a lot of pride in being the one to introduce their women into womanhood on their wedding night.
He won’t appreciate this gift as much as he would if given him on your wedding night. It shall make you more honoured than if you give it to him now.
Besides, it is the right thing to do for any sensible young woman. Chances are he might change and you would discover after sleeping with him that you both no longer feel the same way about each other. Should this happen, the essence of keeping your virginity till now would have been defeated and the husband you wanted to please with it would never get to have the honour of being the first because a woman gets deflowered only once in her life.
Relationship is like an ocean. One moment everything is calm and beautiful while the next minute it could turn stormy and very ugly, calling to question one’s sanity in going into the relationship in the first place.
You also have to factor in the consequences of sleeping with a man. One thing is to make up your mind to do it another thing is for you to be prepared for the responsibilities built into this act. For instance, are you also thinking about unplanned pregnancy? There are some stubborn babies that are determined to come into the world irrespective of whatever precaution taken. Are you in particular ready to be a mother now? Is this boyfriend of yours ready for the challenges of being a father? This is one thing you must give adequate thoughts to. Not being a virgin is one thing, being a parent is huge since it is something one never gets out of.
Deep down, are you psychologically ready for this particular challenge?
Don’t forget you have only known him for six months, not enough time for you to be sure you are really both on the same page, desire the same things and share the same dreams.
Although he appears well focused not to put you under pressure for sex like most men his age, fact remains you should exercise some constraints to avoid being disappointed in yourself later on.
For now, ask for strength and the grace of God to be strong in sticking to the promise you made to yourself.
If there is anything life has taught me, it is never to disappoint myself. Once you don’t disappoint yourself, it is easier to discover who you are as well as your assignment on earth.
That promise not to sleep with any man is between you and God. This is the power of our own covenant. Would you rather disappoint that God or please yourself in your new discovery of love?
Once you are able to answer this question honestly you would know the right step to take.
Good luck.

She craves secret date...

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are really helping people. Please help me too to get out of my emotional dilemma.
I am a 24-year-old second year Higher National Diploma student. My girlfriend and I have been together for five months. We are both in love but I find it very strange that she doesn’t want any of her friends to find out about us.
I really love her and I want something good to come out of our relationship. Please tell me what I should say to her to make her change her mind about telling our friends about us. I would appreciate your response.
Junior Boy.

Dear Junior Boy,
To get her to change her mind you must first understand her reasons for wanting to keep the relationship secret. Obviously something must be influencing her decision. This is what you should first find out from her by questioning her on her past experiences and why she prefers a secret relationship with you when all you want is to proclaim her to the world.
Without you finding this out, you will never be able to appreciate her or wisdom to find the right word to make her change her mind.
Most times our reasons for doing or not doing a particular thing is pasted in the incubator of our past.
Besides there are some people who don’t like to publicise their relationship at all. She may belong to this group. These people are of the opinion that it is private and no business of anybody except they that are in it.
To convince such persons, you must be ready to provide them with stronger arguments as well as apply a little bit of emotional blackmail to get them to shift grounds.
The emotional blackmail comes in the form of you asking her if she isn’t proud enough of you, happy with her decision to date you as well as her love for you.
These questions would make her realise that this relationship is not just about what she wants but also of what would make you happy.
It would also help her come to a better appreciation of what a relationship is all about. A relationship derives its strength from the contribution of the couple involved. She has to give you the opportunity of helping her cope with whatever phobia she has against making public her feelings while she has to give you the assurances of her trust in your love and the relationship.
Your best approach is to be patient. There is no point getting angry or agitated. To do that is to put the relationship under unnecessary stress. You must appreciate her reasons first and foremost, not to make the whole process of building a viable relationship difficult.
There are also ways of making the relationship obvious without you saying a word to anyone. From the way you court and attend to her, seek her out from the crowd, behave whenever she is around would send the signal of an intimacy around your friends.
The heart has a way of radiating its fondness and invisible music of love for a particular person for all to see and hear. True love doesn’t need the help of microphone to announce, the eyes, smiles and signals around a pair in love do more of the announcement than verbal words. I call it the secret scent of passion.
Once you are around her, the message of love between the two of you would be visible for all to see. It would be only a matter of time for people to know what is happening between the two of you.
Good luck.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

He won’t wait till wedding night to have sex…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,  
I am a graduate presently working here in Lagos. Please, I have an issue with my boyfriend. We have been dating for over a year now and through out our relationship he has been demanding for sex but I refused. He said he has no option than to look for another girl who will satisfy him sexually.
Since then we have been having issues. We do love each other but I don’t want to have sex with him until our wedding night just as I don’t want to get pregnant outside wedlock.
From the way I see things, he isn’t ready for marriage even though he is working.
I have tried to make him understand but he is proving difficult on this matter. Please advise me. What do I do? I don’t know the importance of sex in a relationship. 
Felicity



Dear Felicity,
Insist on what you believe in. When a man advertises sex as being of too much importance to him than the happiness of the woman in his life wisdom demands of the woman to be careful.
As a woman you have more to lose if he sleeps with you and at the end of the day he claims to find better pleasure in the arms of another woman. Sex shouldn’t be the reason a man and woman go into a relationship. There are numerous reasons and benefits more enduring than sex. These are the things that transform sex from a cheap and readily available thing to something special.
If marriage is what he wants from you, he shouldn’t market sex as his major interest. He should be more interested in discovering the nature and attributes of the woman he wishes to spend the rest of his life with. Quality sex can be taught anytime in one’s life, but not so for those things that make a marriage a haven of peace and happiness.
Telling you he would look for another lady who would satisfy him sexually should sound a note of warning to you. What assurances do you have that if you give him your body, he won’t find another reason to justify his interest in looking beyond you for pleasure? This kind of man would always find a reason to do whatever he wants to do.
The question you should ask him is whether he is interest in you! If truly he is interested in marrying you, he should be able to wait. Sex should be the icing on the cake on your wedding night.
However, you need to explain things better to him especially if he isn’t meeting you a virgin. Since you have already given your body to another man, he may think you are out to deceive him hence his insistence you give him right of way.
To assure him of your sincerity and fidelity, you have to give him strong reasons you changed your mind about being intimate with a man. You may not like his insistence but in his shoes too you would also feel the same way and deal with the doubts your refusal is creating in his mind.
If you were a virgin, it would be easier for him to understand but not when you have been intimate with a man before. If you really love him, plead with him for understanding and patience in this relationship.
Tell him you understand how he feels but would be honoured if he expresses understanding for your new position on premarital sex.
But he insists on having his way stick to what you know works for you.
The importance of sex can only come to full realisation in marriage because that is where God designed it to be. Sex is a special gift from God, given to married couples to cement, communicate and build a foundation of love and trust.
In addition it is to ensure continuity of life. It is a covenant between man and woman, the only thing that marries the souls and spirits of the couple. Because it is a covenant of love between a man and woman, when done with the wrong person it comes with some spiritual implications as the wrong person can always insist on a right of say in the other person’s life. This is why some people find it difficult to find a partner after leaving a particular relationship.
Although it is becoming increasingly difficult to abstain from sex in a world that celebrates sexual liberty, yet the best option remains the old time principle of waiting until the wedding night.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My wife lacks kitchen skill

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

What kinds of women is this nation producing these days? I grew up in a home where my mother took pride in caring for our home, cooking our meals and taking special care of our father. She also taught us all how to cook.

I thought it was going to be like that for me when I married my wife three years ago.

Since marrying my wife, I haven’t had a decent meal in my house. She takes to buying me prepared meals from restaurants or frozen soups prepared and sold by department stores.

I have tried my best to make her change. It isn’t working for me. I went as far as paying someone to come to the house to teach her how to cook, but she is unwilling to be taught.

I am nearly my wits end and don’t know how to handle the matter anymore. My mother at one time offered to teach her, she declined on the grounds that she cannot cook the local meals my mother insists on teaching her. I have gone to her mother who says I should endure the situation.

The alternative is to employ a housemaid, but knowing the kind of temptations women present to me these days, I don’t want to tempt myself beyond what I can manage. Besides, of what use would my wife be in my house if I have to depend on another woman to cook my food under my roof?

I sincerely respect your wisdom and responses to challenging problems you daily tackle.

I would be very happy if you can help me. I don’t want a broken home but if pushed to the walls, I might as well take a walk and find myself a woman who knows how to care for her man.

Do help me Agatha.

Lekan.


Dear Lekan,

A lot of things have definitely changed from when you were a boy and now that you are a man. Women are getting better education and earning good salaries. The global economic situation makes it impossible for women not to work or engage in one form of business. This is because most men cannot afford to shoulder alone the responsibility of caring for their families.

All these added up to the thirst of the modern woman to be in charge of her life, by implications her finances, make it impossible for contemporary women to function in the mode of the old time wives.

This is the reason wives of these days are not functioning at full capacity in their duties at home.

But this is not to say that it is right for women to totally abdicate their duties as wives and mothers. Irrespective of a woman’s official responsibilities, she should make out time to make her impact felt at home.

A wife should ensure she creates time out of no time to cook for her husband and children. A lot of women have been able to manage their jobs with their homes successfully.

Therefore, the issue with your marriage isn’t that your wife is working but her attitude to life generally and marriage in particular. If she wasn’t brought up to appreciate the place of a woman in her home, her duties as wife, there is little you can do to make her change the attitude she is brought up with.

It isn’t just offering to teach her how to cook but changing her attitude towards the whole concept of marriage.

One thing is to ask her what her views are on my marriage. There is no way she can accept a change if her views run contrary to what you desire or think marriage is to you.

That you are both married doesn’t mean she totally agrees with your views on marriage or the generally held one. There has to be a marriage of what she believes and what is generally thought to be the reason we marry. If her views on marriage don’t include caring for her home, cooking or tending to the needs of her husband when he calls, nothing you tell such a woman would make sense to her.

Learning how to cook for you is the easiest part of the challenge confronting your marriage. The greatest task before you both is for her to define what marriage is to her. It would help you know where to come in how to achieve the results that would take your marriage to the next stage.

This is something you must do by yourself, without help from anybody. It also requires wisdom and patience. If you get angry, chances are you would drive her into her shell and make it impossible for her to confide her fears and hopes in you.

Patience is required on your side because what you are attempting to do is to get into an area of her life nobody has ever attempted to go into. It is what makes her who she is and the woman you married.

This is something she may not have discussed with another soul because it bothers on her most secretive side.

This is the root cause of your marital problems. In discussing this with her, be prepared for some surprises because it is often not easy to make swift changes in matters that are this deep rooted. You must first begin with small changes that would not completely scare her off the issue of marriage.

Also in most cases, expectations are wide apart from reality. During the dating period, certain things you may have allowed into the relationship as a man, are now obviously begin to matter to you. For instance, the issue of her inability to cook couldn’t have started after you got married. You must have known from the time you were dating and thought you could cope with it.

The fact that you didn’t complain then, took delight in helping entrench her thinking that you could depend on meals made by others, solidified her stance on marriage. Therefore if you want a total change from what you encouraged during your courtship days, you must be ready to be extremely tolerant as well as tactical in your bid to effect this change.

Also, you have to be ready to create time for both of you to do certain things together. For a woman who doesn’t know how to cook, encourage her while she is making any attempt by being her teacher especially as you can cook.

Chances are, the lessons she was too proud to learn from your mother and the person you employed to teach her, she would take from you.

See this as an opportunity for both of you to build your marriage, become friends, and discover new dimensions for your lives together as well as memorials for your children.

To encourage her to cook, on the day she would be at home, both of you should go to the market, buy foodstuff and soup ingredients to make your favourite.

Expose her to thrills of home made food as well as the fun that comes from combining all the ingredients into something delicious. By the time she sees you performing the magic and helping you with those little tasks, like bringing the palm oil, seasonings, spoons, water and what have you mothers send children to do while cooking, in no time she too would want to try her hand on it.

Because our needs and challenges are different, don’t allow any of your friends or associates discourage whatever attempts you deem fit to make this marriage work.

Some, out of mischief, may label you a hen pecked husband, ignore them because you know what you hope to achieve by doing this for your marriage.

The truth is that she isn’t to blame for her behaviour and attitude towards her marriage. She is only following the examples of the marriages she has been exposed to.

If she was taught how to cook, tend to the needs of her home and husband, there is no way she would completely depart from it. Her mother would have been able to talk some senses into her. Asking you to endure your wife’s behaviour shows that she cannot confront her daughter on her behaviour because there is nothing in her role as a mother to premise her argument on.

Because you have become each other’s responsibility and the happiness of your home your concern, the onus is now on you to help your wife come to the knowledge of what her roles in your life are.

There is a purpose for the training your mother gave you. God knew this day from yesterday hence His reason for making you go through your mother’s catering school.

Furthermore, learn to pray and commit your home to the influence of God. Even if you leave her and go for another woman, there is no telling what kind of challenge you would meet in that relationship.

For this reason, stick to your wife, there is no marriage without its cross. This is your cross; you must device a way to carry it with dignity and grace.

Good luck.

Won’t past abortions hinder her ability to be pregnant?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed by the motherly way you handled people’s emotional problems.

I really thank God on your behalf and pray for more wisdom. I need your help. At the age of 30 years I still have no solid relationship or a girl friend.

In my bid to get someone to share my life with I logged on to Africhat provided by one of the Telecoms in Nigeria. I met a lady from one of the South Eastern states of Nigeria.

While chatting one day, she told me she had been involved in two abortions in the past. In fairness to her, she has tried so much to make this relationship work. She is 26 years, while I am 31. My fear is that won’t this adventure of hers affect conceptions in the future? I am under pressure to settle down. She seems sincere to me but I am worried. I would appreciate your help.

Worried Man.


Dear Worried Man,

One thing you must first erase from your marriage agenda is the word pressure. Yes people have a right to urge you to marry, given your age and the time to nurture your own children to maturity, but you reserve the final say in your affairs.

Marriage is deeper and complicated than a lot of young persons contemplating it think. Without the right partner by one’s side, a journey meant to be fun could turn out to be one of absolute stress and regrets.

Pressure makes one desperate and desperation makes one prone to avoidable mistakes. Best to wait a little bit and marry someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life than marry someone you think would fit the bill.

As regards this lady, telling you she has gone through two abortions is her way of clearing her past of any cobweb and skeleton that might destroy the relationship you are both trying to build. The fact that she volunteered the information shows a certain degree of willingness on her part to be truthful about herself. Sincerely, not every woman would do this.

Don’t therefore hold it against her for being honest enough to tell the truth concerning her past. Telling you was a risk she willingly took for the sake of the future you are both planning to have together.

If the evacuations were properly done by trained and experienced doctors there is nothing stopping her from having children in future. The problem occurs when women entrust their bodies to quacks or inexperienced doctors.

Besides, abortion isn’t the sole cause of the infertility in women. Sometimes the fault may come from the man. Statistics show that almost 50 percent of infertility issues in marriages come from men. The fact that a man experiences erection and able to be intimate with his woman doesn’t make him healthy enough to impregnate a woman. A lot of men have sperm quality that isn’t enough to power reproduction in their wives.

If you want to go with this woman, learn to trust her. She has told you about herself. There is nobody without a past. The fact that you haven’t been able to attract a stable relationship at 30 would be a source of concern to another woman. A lot of women would wonder if you are normal not to have had a workable relationship at your age.

The complexity of life is such that every step we take can be given millions of interpretations, hence always best to ignore things we can ignore and to avoid as much as possible judging the deficiency of others around us.

Wisdom demands that you don’t search too deeply into the cupboard of her past, to avoid a greater skeleton being discovered in your cupboard of time. What should matter to you now is the point at which you met her.

Given the choice to do what she did in the past or you for that matter, chances are that none of you would willingly make such a mistake again.

Beyond what you already know about her, there is the need for you both to arrange a meeting. Nothing compares to eye contact when it comes to the choice of who to spend the rest of one’s life with.

You have to make the effort of giving yourselves the chance of getting to know what each of you look like, want from life as well as your attitudes towards those little things that appear very unimportant now. These seemingly unimportant things are the reasons most marriages are today hitting the rock. Something as minute as not having the right attitude towards hygiene has been known to damage a marriage beyond repairs.

In addition you must learn to become good friends first before you can talk of marriage.

At this point, give both of you a chance to grow this relationship by having an opened mind as well as the right attitude towards life.

Good luck.

My housemaid is pregnant for my hubby

Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626



Dear Agatha,

My husband is bent on marrying our housemaid and I am not finding the situation funny since he is making a public show of it; besides the lady in question is already five months pregnant.

I only got to know recently because I come home late from workand leave early. The most worrisome thing is the unrepentant attitude of my husband who blames me for this shameful act of his.

He says if the housemaid is good enough to look after his home, care for my child, wash his clothes, cook his food then she is good enough to be his wife.

I find this argument irritating and of no help to our situation because he knows the nature of my job. I happen to be a branch manager of a bank. The dictates of my job leaves me with little time for my family; the reason I employed the housemaid to fill the void my absence creates in my home.

I decided to pick the bills of this lady myself so where have I gone wrong? The excuse that I am not always around doesn’t hold water with me because right from the beginning, he knew cooking wasn’t something I enjoy doing.

I am ready to forgive him but he is making it almost impossible for me by refusing my suggestion that the pregnancy be terminated so she can go her way. I can afford to pay her off to stay away from my husband and home.

I am really confused as to how to handle this issue as I cannot afford to share my husband with another woman let alone my paid help.

Although his family isn’t saying anything on the matter but I sense approval somewhere going by the utterances of his mother who blames me for not always being around.

I didn’t expect my husband who is a top lawyer to descend to the level of sleeping with a paid help or to have the time for that matter.

I wonder what kind of marriage he hopes to have with a lady who only managed to pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examination.

Nothing much is coming from my parents too. Except for my immediate junior sister, I am almost on my own on this issue.

I am not too afraid of this ever happening because as a lawyer he knows the implication of marrying another wife since we got married in both the church and registry. I am prepared to go into legal tussle with him but how do I get this lady and my husband to agree to terminate this pregnancy?

Despite what has happened, I love my husband and want to keep my marriage. Besides, my son needs his father’s presence. I cannot imagine being unmarried.

Please help me find a solution because I lack the idea of how to go about it.

Timileyin.




Dear Timileyin,

You are arrogant! This attitude won’t help you regain your home and husband. If you are desperate to make your marriage work, please come down from your high horse and get real. The issue at hand has gone beyond what you want to what is practicable.

There is no way your husband or this girl would agree to the termination of a five months old pregnancy. If they agree to it, would it stop the two of them from meeting outside your home and continuing with their relationship or stop him from marrying her under native laws and customs? You can only sue if he marries under the common law but if he decides to do it under native laws and customs, there is nothing you can do about it.

Being a lawyer, he understands and knows the law better than you do so the possibility of you defeating him in court is very slim. Chances are he would have taken all the areas of the law into consideration before insisting the lady keeps the pregnancy.

Sincerely, you cannot afford to be confrontational because you are the cause of everything happening in your home. Had you devoted time to your family, cared for your husband, made out time to learn how to cook as well as prepare his meals on the weekend that you are at home, he won’t have any reason to look elsewhere. The fact that you didn’t notice that your paid help was pregnant until the pregnancy clocked five months speaks volume of the time you spend at home as well as the quality of attention you give to the people you live with.

If you were more attentive to your home, you would have long discovered that this lady is in the family way before this pregnancy got to this advanced stage.

Honestly, you are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. Men are like children. They only appreciate the hands that feed and care for them. What do you expect from a man you have neglected for your job? Whatever his educational background may be, he has feelings and is turned on by the simple things that make a man happy. Sexual feelings and urges are primitive so also are the basic things that make men happy. If the educated woman he married is not available, neglects his needs and prefers her official responsibilities to that she owes her family, is he to blame for wanting something different?

You gave your meal to the cat. The reason men marry is to have a woman to care for their needs as men. Not every man wants a show piece for a wife; most men want real women, the ones who can cook and care for their homes. This is the primary responsibility of any woman going into matrimony. If the house maid is good enough to care for your husband and child, care for your home, cook his meals as well as prepare his bed, then she is as well good enough to sleep on the bed she made.

If you were around, there is no way your man would have had all the time in the world to sleep and get your house maid pregnant without you noticing the closeness and acting fast to avert this kind of mess. The fact that an educated man like your husband is determined to allow her keep the pregnancy and marry her should warn you of the futility of you insisting on what you want.

You need humility to negotiate yourself back to relevance into the heart of this man. If your own parents appear not to be on your side, then you must have overdone it.

First, you need to mellow down on your insistence that the pregnancy be induced. This is one pregnancy you have to accept and deal with. The only way to deal with it is to offer this lady all the support to give birth safely. It is only after then that you can negotiate with your husband where the baby stays. Frankly, the best thing to do is to offer to be a mother to this child; take on the responsibility of caring and looking after this child.

But before then, you must decide which is more important to you. Your job or home! While no one is asking you to be a full time housewife, you must think of a job or business that would give you the time to be a mother and wife in every sense of it. You have to make yourself relevant and very available in his life and home to neutralise whatever advantage this other lady has over you.

Making such offer to your husband would show your seriousness at making this marriage work. Your efforts to make amends at this critical time would determine if he would become sorry or not.

It is tough but you must be prepared to suffer further humiliation by being stupidly humble in the process of getting your husband from the arms of this woman you unwittingly pushed him into.

Own up to your own mistakes in your attempts to work something out with him. This is not time for you to blame him for this mess. You have to soften him first before blaming him for his weakness as a man.

Anger and trading blame won’t help you now. To do that would be to kiss away your marriage and home. There is no marriage without challenges but the wisdom and determination of the woman in the house often than not ascertain where the marriage would eventually berth. You must find out apart from the obvious ones the other things that you are doing wrong to have made your husband look elsewhere. You only found out because the woman in question is your house-help. Had he decided to do it far from home, you wouldn’t have known until the situation got really out of hands.

For the sake of the love you have for your home, be prepared to do whatever you have to do to make this marriage work for you including praying for the mindset to put the important things on the front burner.

Good luck

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Our parents can’t live in harmony, we in disarray too

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com ,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I should start by thanking you for the various ways you help people deal with their burning issues.
I am 25 years old, married and from a polygamous family. There is this issue concerning my parents that bothers so much. It has to do with how they have failed to achieve a happy home as well as their inability to put behind them, their old ways.
They have been married for 35 years now. My daddy has four wives and my mother is the last. My mother is the only one who lives with him presently. They are practically intolerable of each other and flare up at the slightest provocation.
The love between my parents has drastically reduced to the extent that they hardly communicate with each other. My father does not care what becomes of my mother, any of my siblings or even me. He tells anybody who cares to listen that he won’t ever come to us for anything even if he is penniless.
In fairness to him, he invested so much in us all, giving us the chance to be whom we are today by sponsoring us to one of the developed countries in the world. By the way, he makes so much noise about this, announcing this to all and sundry. He is also in the habit of telling people what is happening to us in our private lives.
Being the only one among my mother’s children who showed interest in acquiring formal education, it has been reduced to nothing by the irritable attitude of my parents. I am suffering psychologically so much so my grades in the programme I am doing is falling.
My father is a disciplinarian and my mother easily provoked. This attitude of theirs has affected our family dynamics, my education and the general well being of my siblings.
Like I said, my grades have dropped badly, and I have been kicked out of my programme because I failed a course twice. Now I am really sad, and don’t really know if it’s worth informing them. I love them both and I wish they could love each other once again, put all the ugly old ways behind them and exhibit exemplary deeds. I am really sad and confused about the way forward. Kindly advise me on what to do next.
Worried Son.


Dear Worried Son,
If you are married as you claim, why not focus more on making your marriage work rather than bother yourself with the choice your parents made? Your concern should be more on how to avoid the mistake of your father.
If your mother is his fourth wife, your worries should be how not to acquire wives like your father. Something must be wrong for him to keep changing his wives.
Worrying over how to make things work for them is rather too late in the day. The moment your mother decided to be fourth wife to your father, she gave up her sole right in reforming this man. Whatever she does would be neutralised by the women before her who think they have more rights over this man than she has.
She may be the only one currently living with him, but the truth is, she is living with the presence, interests, antics, bitterness, disappointments, and intrigues of all the other wives. There is no way they would leave the management of your father and his affairs to your mother.
It is unfortunate that you and your siblings are the ones suffering the consequences but the truth is that your mother has to make the choice of what is most important to her at this critical point. The interest and well being of her children or trying to keep a home that was never hers from the moment she made the decision to marry your father.
Besides, by now she should have mastered the technique of avoiding problems with her man. Having stayed with him for 35 years, she by now know your father like a book, knowing his moods, weaknesses, strengths and his good side.
She should also by now have integrated herself to him, making sure she finds the key to unlock some of his irritating habits and making the place comfortable for her children.
The fact that they are still finding it difficult to find their rhythm shows they are both not doing enough to make each other happy. Like I said before, it would be almost impossible to achieve a harmonious home considering the disadvantage that followed your mother into the marriage.
At this point, encourage her to be closer to God for the sake of herself and her children. Being the last set of children, you and your siblings would need more than your efforts to make it in life.
Your peace and happiness would come from the efforts your mother is ready to make on bent knees praying to God. She also has to make the effort to control her temper to ensure her children do not suffer unnecessarily. If your father has done his bit of helping you all find the right footing in life, the rest is her battle to fight.
If your grades are falling, it is because at 25, you haven’t learnt to distant yourself from what is happening around you. It is also statement of how immature you still are, something you should really work on if your own marriage is to avoid following the pattern of your father’s.
One thing is the strength of character to withstand the storm of life. You don’t have any reason at your age to suffer from psychological problem because of your parents’ marriage. And to blame it on your inability to make good grades is only an excuse to dodge the obvious.
What are you really afraid of? This is a question you must carefully consider before answering. If the truth must be told, it is more than what you are saying. It is more to do with your own inadequacies as a man, your own limitations as a husband as well as your own failures as a son to help your parents realise that marriage is more than the two of them.
If you are really worried about their marriage, don’t limit your efforts to your immediate siblings alone. Enlist the help and support of every child that comes from your father’s loin.
Without a concerted efforts by you all to repair the foundation of your lives, by bringing together all the children of your father, nothing much can be achieved. Every interested party must be heard, canvassed and settled together before any of you can drum up support for progress for anyone in the family. A fragmented family can never stand. This should be your starting point in finding solution to your parents’ troubled marriage.
The outcome of this meeting would determine how much success you later achieve in bringing about peace between your mother and father. If your father has never attempted to reconcile his children and wives, it would be too much to expect him to reconcile with your mother and her children.
If he has always been harsh on his other women and children, there is no way he can change from what he has always been to something you and your siblings want.
Your mother’s happiness can never happen in a vacuum. All hands have to be on deck to ensure it is not achieved at the expense of any member of the family.
There is also the need for you to privately call your mother for discussion. If she is to achieve peace in her home, she has to learn to give respect to her man, recognise that being the only one living with him, gives her the added burden of being mother to all the other children by ensuring they have unhindered access to their father.
She should act as the bridge that would bring peace between those before her and your father.
Whatever happened between her and the other women at the time of her marriage to your father should be left in the past if she truly desires happiness and progress for her children.
Where she has to offer apologies or forgive completely, she shouldn’t hesitate at all. The beauty of life is in our ability to rise above our limitations.
The best thing you can do for yourself and wife is to learn from these experiences. Multiple marriages don’t solve the issue of inadequacies noticed in our partners; rather they only complicate issues. There is no problem patience and selflessness cannot solve in any relationship no matter how difficult it may appear at first.
Once we have the determination it eventually works out.
Ironically, the patience your father or mother didn’t have in their younger days is what they must have now to enjoy the benefits of old age if they hope to enjoy the fruits of being parents. Only a happy child thinks of providing the parents with comfort in their old age. At that meeting, ensure you emphasis this point.
Good luck.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Doubt if she takes our altar dream serious…

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I want to thank God for using you as a blessing to this generation especially the young people like me who have learnt a lot from your daily counsels.
There is this lady I met last year through my cousin; I like her because she happens to be my kind of girl.
I proposed we should start a relationship that will lead to marriage. She accepted the proposal and added we should pray about it. But I don’t understand her character and we are not staying in the same area. She schools in Abia State while I am staying in Port Harcourt. She finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime, and even when she sees my missed calls, she never calls or beeps back.
I am the only one who calls her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much that I would not like to miss her.
Worried Man.


Dear Worried Man,
You are right. There is the need for both of you to acquire a profound understanding of each other’s character and attitude before you venture into marriage.
Unfortunately, not many young persons appreciate that there is more to marriage than falling in love. Between falling in love and staying married requires understanding, patience and wisdom.
All these come first from the knowledge of each other the couple is coming into the marriage with.
Despite leaving in separate towns and states, both of you can still make out time to study each other. One of such ways is for you to pay her surprised visits. Come into town without prior notice, book into a hotel for the number of days you intend spending there.
Call her thereafter to know what she is doing and where she is. Such visits will reveal a lot of things into her way of life as well as her person. Spending sometime with her on those visits shall also reveal a lot of things about her temperaments and values.
It would also enable her discover your weak points as well as your strong points.
You could also arrange to spend time together during your holidays. This would offer both of you the chance to know what you are both going into. Being together doesn’t mean you have to make love. This is one thing that will never go away but once the chance of knowing each presents itself and it is properly explored, the couple stands a chance of having an enduring relationship
We all have different attitudes to the issue of telephone usage. While some don’t mind making all the calls, others think it is import as well as a demonstration of one’s love.
However one thing is important, effective communication in a relationship. Without it, a relationship risks running under ground. This is especially important as both of you don’t reside in the same town. This is the angle you should harp on. Chances are she would listen better if she knows that whatever you share appreciates with effective communication and that with the availability of mobile phones relationships need not suffer from lack of communications.
Keep explaining to her that you are worried about her lukewarm attitude to daily communications between the two of you. Ask her pointedly how she would feel if you also adopt the attitude of not calling or talking to her?
However you have to prepare your mind that you would always be the one calling her because with people like her, it might take awhile for them to change their attitude towards effective communications in a relationship.
The success of a relationship is dependent on the amount of sacrifices one of the parties is willing to make. In this case, you are the one who has to make the most sacrifice for this relationship to work. I appreciate the pains and disappointments laced with this kind of sacrifice but when one wants something, the person must be prepared to go the extra mile.
A lot depends on how much you want this woman in your life as well as your conviction that she is special to you.
There is no relationship without its time of planting. On her part, she could also be studying you in terms of how much you are willing to invest in the relationship. If it is any consolation, old and trusted relationships too also go through this kind of challenge.
For both of you to get to that point of complete oneness, you must find time to come together to discuss your fears as well as dreams for the future. Through this effort you would know if you are both on the same page or not. One thing is to give commitment to be in a relationship, another thing is to ensure both parties are properly focused on what they each want from each other as well as the relationship.
It is only then you can confidently pursue a life together.

Good luck.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Calling him after I had quit sounds odd, isn’t it?

With Agatha Edo, Email: gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I broke up with my boyfriend but I am contemplating calling me to say hello. Is it normal and right for me to do so?

Confused Girlfriend.


Dear Confused Girlfriend,

There is nothing wrong in calling him to say hello. It shows that you are matured and feels no bitterness towards him.

The fact that you are no longer dating doesn’t make both of you sworn enemies. There is always a life after separation. The fact that you both didn’t get on as a couple doesn’t mean you cannot become good friends.

Not every relationship we go into would lead to marriage, only one would. Every relationship we go into is an opportunity for us to make good and worthy friends. If he refuses to acknowledge your greetings, don’t bother but if your relationship meant anything to him, he would appreciate your effort to continue as a friend.

No matter what happened between the two of you, still go ahead to say hello. It would heal a lot of things between the two of you.

Good luck.

Matchmaking makes no taboo to me after years of waiting…

with Agatha Edo, email, gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I really appreciate you for all your good works so far. Some times I think life is not just fair. Recently, I asked myself what I did to deserve the kind of challenges I am facing.

I come from a humble family but with the fear of God. I graduated from Ambrose Ali University as an accountant. I am between 35 and 36 years of age.

I am still a virgin and hope to be until I get married. As a Christian I am of the firm belief that premarital sex is a sin against God and man. I come from a family of eight children, two boys and six girls. I work to support my siblings.

Now, I am more than ripe to get married and still searching for a husband. Most of my younger ones who got pregnant before they got married all live with their husbands. It is funny that I, that vowed to preserve my dignity as a woman, am without a man. It is becoming increasingly embarrassing as everyone is asking when I would get married.

It isn’t as if I have gotten offers before. In 2008, I met this guy who wanted to marry me but I later discovered that he was very violent. He fights and quarrels at the slightest misunderstanding. I thought then I was to blame because the nature of my job leaves me little time for both of us. Somewhere along the line, he opted out and I had to let go because of his violent nature.

I met another guy through network site and we became friends. He made a lot of promises to me including a marriage promise. Although his parents were divorced, he promised to take me to visit them. We began to make plans in February this year, prompting me to resign from my job. Not only has he been transferred from Benin to Port Harcourt, he no longer calls or bother to send short messages.

It has been a very difficult time for me prompting my mother to come over to my place due to my depression.

Ever since I have kept asking God, ‘why me’? I have prayed, fasted, even went for several deliverances and still no improvement in my life. I have sown a lot to believe God for his miracle, but this is a really difficult time for me.

Agatha, but you are good adviser, I do not know if you can match-make. But I have a desire here; the man must be a good Christian, come from a good family and must be ready to wait until our wedding night. He must also be ready to settle down soonest. I pray God uses you to help me smile.

Petra


Dear Petra,

One thing you can be very sure of, that no one can love you as much as God does. If He appears not to be listening to your prayers, it is because He is training you to be the person He created you to be. The best gold is the one that can withstand the most heat. You are still a work in progress in the hands of your creator so listen more to Him and less to yourself.

More often than not this is where the problems come from. When we are going through challenges, we are too busy and closed minded praying and fasting to listen to that silent voice of God. Why not for once give God a chance to speak to you?

He isn’t responding to your prayers and fasting because you have stored too much worries and issues in your mind. Even if when He is talking to you, you are too busy with your worries to identify His voice from your heap of garbage.

Now He is keeping His distance from you to get your full attention. There is no one who serves God and go away empty handed. God is never indebted to us.

Concentrate more on praising Him instead of praying and fasting. By praising Him, you are telling Him to take charge as well as helping yourself to situate things in your life. Praising Him brings out the action in Him faster than you think.

First and foremost, you must stop worrying about your age. Your worries won’t change anything rather they would only complicate things for you as well as invite unnecessary medical issues into your life. Only if you are healthy would you be able to attract and keep the interest of a man. There is nothing that ages a woman faster than worries and depression. I am sure you don’t want to look like a grandmother before your man comes along.

You must therefore snap out of your depression and wear a smile because it is the only way to overcome life’s many challenges.

Another thing you must try to avoid is your outlook to life. That you are a Christian doesn’t mean your outlook and thoughts must be boring. You must acquire the right looks as well as the broadness of mind to sustain the interest of a man in you.

God is the creator of knowledge; there is no subject He doesn’t know or above Him. You must not tie yourself to ancient doctrines that forbids Christians from looking good and being friendly. Keeping to yourself and being overtly condemning of other people’s attitudes doesn’t make you a better Christian. You can keep your values without being offensive and religiously condescending.

No man wants to live with a saint. Every man wants a wife, a woman and friend. It can be really boring for a man when all his wife does is to act superior to every other person around him. Jesus, befriended those considered social outcasts to enable Him draw them near.

If you fall into the mould of those who have become religious snobs, time is for you to come down before the one we all serve, we are condemned. His grace is what is keeping you and I alive.

Learn to live. The beauty of our faith is more in our ability to resist temptation and not to build a wall around ourselves. Without being tested we don’t have anything to defend and by so doing our foundation becomes too weak to stand the test of time.

The best weapons are those that can withstand the heat of time, so the ‘why me’ question is unnecessary. If you really devote time to hearing from God, you will get the answer to this question.

Forget about your siblings that are married. They are married to their husbands and not yours. They seem to be having the upper hand in that department because they have mastered the game of being happy with their choices. They are able to smile, laugh and look good. Take account of your own attitude and you would know what areas to work at. God is beautiful, glorious and peaceful. He epitomises love, happiness and peace. As His children, we must always reflect His attributes for all to see.

I don’t matchmake. I only help to publish requests like yours. I am sure the right man would come and stay if he finds the peace, happiness and friendship in your heart. As a woman your role is to support, give encouragement and lovingly point your man to the right direction. No man can resist these qualities in a woman. A woman who has the right charm and friendly disposition is like a poison to a man’s soul.

If your attitude is hostile, it won’t matter to the man if you are a virgin or not. A lot of things make a woman complete and right for the man’s soul. Virginity is only a fraction of it.

Good luck.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Both AS, now she’s pregnant, yet we want no SS child…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Help, I am in a big problem that requires urgent attention else I would lose my sanity.

I am a 35-year-old man introduced to a 25-year-old girl last year. The relationship soon developed and we both agreed to cement it. We went for genotype test where it was confirmed that we were both of the AS genotype.

The two families advised us to end the relationship immediately to avoid our regretting it in the future. We refused and continue, though secretly.
Just as we were about putting an end to the relationship, she called to say she has missed her monthly flow. I advised her to go for a test and it was later confirmed that she was a month and two weeks pregnant.
I am surprised to see her pregnant since we always practice safe sex. She visits only during her safe period and I use both condom and ‘withdrawal methods’ when having sex with her. I have hundred percent trust in her that she isn’t promiscuous. I actually met her a virgin.
The questions is whether a lady can get pregnant after meeting her man on the third day after her menstrual flow with me using my safe sex method?
Is it also possible to determine the genotype of an unborn foetus? I would love to marry her, but I don’t want to bring in an innocent baby into a world of pain and suffering because of our selfishness.
Agatha please, advise me on what to do, I am so confused. She had been suggesting aborting the pregnancy, because she is afraid and don’t want either her people or mine to know about it. For me, I hate abortion, and have never attempted or assisted anyone in anyway to do it. I am afraid of the whole thing backfiring and she suffering later if anything goes wrong.

Afraid Man.

Dear Afraid Man,

There is no birth control that gives total assurance against pregnancy. God is still God and decides when a child is coming. Some determined babies have been known to defy all known medical procedures and restrictions in their quest to come to the world.

The issue here has gone beyond if she can become pregnant in spite of the methods of birth control you use. The answer is a categorical yes. From the age of the pregnancy, she didn’t become pregnant during your last time together. The pregnancy occurred before that day. The menstrual flow may be a fluke; some women still experience the monthly ritual of having menses even when pregnant.

The real worry here is the issue of your genotype. With both of you being AS, there is the risk of one or more of your children being SS. Like you rightly observed, it can be very traumatic for a couple with an SS child.

The child faces the challenge of not being able to live a healthy life like other children his or her age, exempted from certain activities other children take for granted and has to go through spell of pains and hospitalisation from time to time.

It isn’t pleasant for both child and parents, who daily fear that the child might die from any of the complications that come from being Sickle Cell.

Having and caring for an SS child isn’t a tea party, hence the need for you and your woman to be realistic about this child.

Yes, a medical procedure known as amniocentesis can determine the genotype of the child from the womb. It is a prenatal test in which a small amount of amniotic fluid like water that surrounds the foetus is removed from the sac surrounding the unborn child and tested. The sample of amniotic fluid is removed through a fine needle inserted into the uterus through the abdomen, under ultrasound guidance. The fluid is then sent to a laboratory for analysis. Different tests can be performed on a sample of amniotic fluid, depending on the genetic risk and indication for the test.

Because amniocentesis presents a small risk for both the mother and her baby, the prenatal test is generally offered to women who have a significant risk for genetic diseases, including those who have family history of certain birth defects such as SS. The results usually take about three weeks to come.

The results of the amniocentesis would tell you and your woman if an abortion is needed or not. Most often if the child is SS, the couple is usually advised to think of abortion, because of the challenges of having an SS child.

Frankly the choice of whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not is yours to make once the result is out.

If you decide to keep it, there is no way you can avoid telling your parents about it whether or not they are in support of your relationship or not.

Whatever the decision you want to make, do it urgently before the pregnancy becomes too obvious to be kept secret.

Good luck.