Hard To Choose Between Jobless Graduate And Polished Banker

Dear Agatha,

I am dating two young men, one is a graduate and the other a banker, I have dated the graduate for five years now and the banker for two. The graduate has been demonstrating a lot of love to me due to the fact that he is currently unemployed.

I am currently planning on settling down but I am so confused because I don’t know whom among them to settle for. Please I am now a confused lady desperately looking for your support.

Nancy.

---

 

Dear Nancy,

This is what you get when you are involved with two persons at the same time. A confusion of choice is created as well as the possibility of making the right choice. But in most cases, the way we should go is clear but we allow other unimportant considerations becloud our judgement.

If you were satisfied with the first man, why did you go into the second relationship? What were your motives as well as reasons? Is it because the first man is unemployed and has no money to give you?

Would you have considered dating him if he too were unemployed? What exactly do you feel for him? If your graduate boyfriend were employed and in a position to meet your financial needs would you still be confused about the right choice? Are you really confused about the right man for you or is it that you are confused because the one you want isn’t able to give you the comfort you desire?

You have made the first mistake by getting yourself involved with two men simultaneously, don’t make the second mistake of saying yes to the one you know you would never be happy with.

The fact that despite being in another relationship, you still find your boyfriend of five years a wonderful companion shows that deep down you know he has more in terms of happiness to offer you. Unfortunately, other considerations may not make you so objective about what you want from life and marriage.

However, there is a greater risk of you losing both of them if you don’t make the decision of whom you want on time. The reason isn’t far-fetched. Both of them have invested so much on you. The unemployed boyfriend sees in you the woman of his choice; the one he hopes to spend the rest of his life with, hence his devotion to you. What do you think would happen to him when he finds out that you aren’t as perfect as he hoped; that all the while he gave you his everything, you were also sharing your love and heart with another man?

Do you think he would ever be able to trust you again? Do you think if he leaves you, you would ever be able to find someone as devoting to you as he is?

What about your banker boyfriend who although may not have the luxury of time has also invested in you?

Trust is very fundamental to the success of a relationship. If you are unable to be faithful to either of these men now, can you stay faithful to a man? Can you tolerate enduring a situation of want and scarcity in your marriage? Remember, you have not prepared yourself for the experience so how do you propose to deal with such a situation should it arise later in your marriage?

The issue here is not just you wanting to settle down but that of knowing what marriage is all about as well as the many sacrifices that must be offered before it can begin to produce positive fruits.

So what you should do now is to look inwards at yourself, what you want and your knowledge of what the marriage institution is would go a long way in helping you arrive at a clear decision.

Good luck.

Tell Me Of Dangers In Protracted Dating

Dear Agatha,

I really don't remember how I first discovered your column in the Daily Independent Online Newspaper, but ever since, I have benefited a lot from your wise, practical and sound answers to all kinds of questions. In fact, it has become my daily ritual to check out your column as I have my breakfast in the morning or before I retire to bed at night. 

My first question might not be the typical kind you receive.  I was just wondering who you are? What's your story? What led you to this ministry of seeking to grant succour to troubled minds? Furthermore I wonder if you're a psychologist with specialisation in the area of family life or if it's just a God-given gift to you.

I once asked a question which you posted as "What is a relationship?" That was back in 2007. Is there any possibility of your sending it to me as I foolishly didn't save your response then?

I am almost 22 years of age now. There is this girl I met about 18 months ago and I think I am falling in love with her. The future looks bright but I am wary of commitments knowing full well that I am still young and not very certain of what I want. Besides, I desire God's perfect will concerning my life, not just what looks good to me. I don't plan to get married until about five to seven years from now and I can't imagine dating for that long. I'll appreciate your advice on what to do in the interim. Communication links between us are very open though we now live in different countries; we lived in the same city for about a year and half till I left in July. We're very open to each other and she's truly my friend. Someone, I can perfectly feel "myself" around, without any fear of rejection or contempt. We're age mates, from different countries, have different stories but have a lot in common. I've heard several times that opposites attract but we are both primarily melancholies.

In fact, it seems we understand each other so much that we can guess what's on each other's minds without much effort. That's partly because our minds apparently work alike. Sometimes, that bothers me because I don't like to be an open book. Do you see a danger in this?

Sidi

---

 

Dear Sidi,

Five or seven years may appear like a life-time, too long a time for anyone to nurture a relationship but when one considers the tremendous importance of having the right kind of partner in one’s life and dreams, then these years are really nothing.

Investing in the right kind of relationship is investing in your future, shaping it to fit into your dreams, giving it a shock-absorbing elasticity base to give you both broad-based freedom to operate.

A relationship get strangulated easily when the couple involved are not able to express themselves without fear, celebrate each other without feeling insecure, and plan for each other without feeling it is an added responsibility.

Friendship is one of the potent tools that wise couples use in growing a relationship to full maturity. What you and your friend have going on is priceless.

Because of your ages, don’t make haste into making promises about the future. Learn to take each day as it comes. Learn from now to offer support and understanding without first looking out for your own selfish benefits.

While you may not be too bothered about the future now, the lessons would help both of you in the future to make the right choices. Just as this relationship would give you both a very explicit idea of how things should be between a man and woman.

One of the greatest challenges we face in our adult lives, especially in our marriages is the lack of seriousness we attach to this important institution. Isn’t it funny how much time, energy and resources we put into studying and reading every available text on knowledge acquisition while this we neglect the most important institution on earth?

Yet this is the institution we are expected to graduate into, the reason we came to the world, and the one that determines how much success we make with all the knowledge we acquire in other fields.

It is almost certain that we would all grow up to be married some day so why do we treat with levity the processes that would lead us into it?

If you and this lady are good together, don’t hurt the relationship. You may think now it would never happen between you two and it ends up being a lifetime journey. Like the boys scout, always be prepared by giving every opportunity that comes your way. You never know when you would need the experience to make the difference in other areas.

Take each day as it comes with pleasure and cheerfulness. Submit yourself to hope while still celebrating the essence today. If you eventually part, there will be no regrets, just pleasant feelings of having given it your best performance, and if last forever, thankfulness that you didn’t allow the opportunity to slip away.

As for my identity, I am a journalist. Biologically, I have two children, a boy (21) and a girl (16) as well as two adopted daughters. What I am doing now is a special gift from God; one that took me through a lot of experiences which by the special grace of God would be told in my memoirs.

Good luck.