How do I approach a lady

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, It’s always great reading the advice you give to people, and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue eating me up. I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in this life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem. I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused whether to marrying a graduate like me, or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, There is nothing in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not. Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side, a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lacked the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover who you are, get into pranks like all children do, the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing. To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know who you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want, only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship. To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality. In this package is contained temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first. Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood. A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are. Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy. Good luck.

She got pregnant for another man while I was abroad

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I had a girlfriend who affianced herself to me. She gave me her body, love and her soul. She also made me promise never to disappoint her. I in turn, promised to love her with my whole heart. She told me of her past relationship and how the boy didn’t treat her well. She also told me that she was still a virgin; I didn’t want to take it away from her even when she offered it to me. I stopped at kissing and romancing her. I thought it was the reason she left her former boyfriend. I was also a virgin. I didn’t have a girlfriend before I met her. I love her and have kept my promise to her. She wanted us to become lovers but I disagreed because I wanted her especially to come of age. I traveled out for two years and by the time I came back, she already had a baby. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I felt very disappointed because of all the promises we made to each other; including me not having a girlfriend while out there. The problem now is that she wants to come back as soon as the baby is old enough. What should I do? Bothered Guy. Dear Bothered Guy, What manner of woman would leave her little baby to follow another man? No matter how young or in love she is with you, the moment she agreed to sleep, get pregnant and have a baby for another man, she forfeited every right to the relationship she had with you. She has made her choice, don’t get involved with her again or at least she is absolute about her relationship with the father of her child. But, whatever made her sleep with this man and have a baby for him should make her stay in the relationship with the man. She is no longer single, she now has responsibility to other people especially that baby who needs the love and attention of the mother. You are no longer under any obligations to her. Whatever promises you made to her have been invalidated by her decision to get involved with another man. She cannot blame you for whatever decision you made on this matter. Allow her be. This is not to say you cannot be a friend to her. The fact that she made this choice doesn’t mean both of you should stop being friends. Her only blame here is that she didn’t trust you enough to have kept faith with the promises you both made to each other. The fact remains that not everybody has the resilience to cope with long distance relationship. That you were able to cope doesn’t mean she can. For this reason, don’t condemn her. Perhaps at the stage you left her, her body chemistry was ready for the ultimate; once a woman’s mind has been tuned towards that goal, it takes the grace of God to stop her from agreeing to the first available man. You lost her the moment she offered you herself and you declined. Leaving her at the time she was most susceptible worked against every good intentions she may have had. She may not have done it to hurt you but that doesn’t mean you should in any way encourage her to leave the father of her child. For now she needs a friend, the kind she can rely on and who in turn will always be by her. Encourage her to be a good mother to her child and to be true to her man. Under no circumstance must you try to encourage her to leave her responsibilities to her child and man to follow you. As for you, follow the leading of God for you. If He actually wanted the both of you together, she would have waited for you. Good luck.

Re: My daughter and I are pregnant for the same man

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to start by commending your gift. My respect for you increased after reading this story. In your shoes, even though I am a pastor and counselor, I would have dismissed it on receipt of the letter because of its annoying content. I really bless the name of God for giving you the wisdom and maturity to attend to the emotional needs of people. Don’t ever be discouraged if you are not getting anything from the people you have helped, including me. God will never neglect you for this selfless service to mankind. Back to the issue of Rita and her daughters who are both pregnant for the same man. It is unfortunate. Rita should have known better than to keep her affairs away from her home. Even if divorced, she should, at her age, carry herself with certain measure of decorum. Her male friend should never be a regular visitor to her home for the simple reason that she has young girls who are already matured. By virtue of the fact that she has custody of the children means her husband and his family has some measure of trust in her ability to manage the children. If they thought she was incapable, I am sure her husband would have taken steps to take the children away from her. Also, there will always be those who think her exit from their family is good riddance and would be waiting patiently to prove to those who are in support of her that she is bad news any day. Unfortunately, she has walked into the trap of “didn’t we tell you that this woman is bad news? Didn’t we tell you to take the children from her; that she will, given her antecedence be unable to give them the right training?” It isn’t an offence for her at her age to desire the company of a man. It is what we were all created to do on earth. No matter the age of a man or woman, the ancient need to be close to a member of the opposite sex will never cease. So, on this score, she didn’t do anything wrong. But like you said Agatha, a deeper look into Rita’s lifestyle shows a worrisome trend, which unfortunately is not limited to her. More and more women are placing unnecessary value on sex than the things that are right and good for them. That her two daughters could sleep with her boyfriend with the knowledge that the other was doing it with the same man, is indeed a planned work to teach her some lessons in morality. From the ages of these children, they weren’t too young to be ignorant of what transpired between their parents, especially the reason for the divorce. Although she didn’t state the reason she and her husband went their different ways, if accusation of infidelity was one of them, this incident has only complicated issues for her in the sense that her daughters will never be able to relate to her as a mother. Therefore it goes beyond finding solution to the pregnancies. Rita, go with what Agatha said about making peace with your daughters. Definitely the elder one knows where the junior sister is and united in further embarrassing you on this matter. Agatha has said it all; forget your pains and solve this problem the only way a good mother knows how to bring her family together. They are your children. Your husband will only come back to claim them if they are good but will forget about them if they turn out bad. What father would want to claim a child who got pregnant for the mother’s boyfriend? As a man, I wouldn’t because it is an abomination. Not even my pastoral training would make me friends with such a child. If the child were younger and was raped by the man, it would have been a different story but when a grown up woman of 28, decides to do such a thing, then it becomes forbidden. How can mother and child be rivals? Indeed the world is coming to an end. In my opinion, both of them should keep the pregnancies. But the daughter should vacate the house for her mother. She is old enough to take full responsibility for her actions. Rita should have the child and learn to love it like she once loved her father. It is the only reasonable way out of it instead of insisting on her daughter having an abortion. Dear Rita, Why did you go for a married man in the first place? They are bad news for a single lady. (From your letter, you have been divorced for more than a decade, met this man a year ago, and “being married, we meet in my place”). It is normal to crave companionship after being divorced for so long but you should have looked well before leaping. You even trusted him with your home keys… As for the pregnancies, I would advise you to keep the pregnancies but not the babies. You can even travel out to have the babies before your states become obvious to non-medical observers. Give them up for adoption at birth and rebuild your lives. Abortion can lead to infertility or death and the innocent babies should not be sacrificed for the sins of their father. Foluso.

How do I terminate love for her?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you for the kind assistance you render to people and I pray your labour of love would be rewarded here on earth and the world to come. I had a girl I was dating during my school days, but the relationship was not based on love, but lust. Before I knew the inherent danger of such a relationship, she had aborted twice for me. She is currently undergoing her Higher National Diploma (HND) programme, while I am working with one of the biggest banks in Nigeria. I am also an HND graduate. I read secretarial administration. There is this lady I was once interested in but undue to my unserious attitude I lost her. Way back then, I knew she liked me but I just couldn’t be bothered. However we are together now and frankly speaking I have found peace, joy, and love in her. She is an SSCE holder. She has written the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination severally without success hence her decision to go to a catering school. The main problem now is, I have decided to settle down with this lady but I have a girlfriend in school, who has introduced me to her parents as well as her pastor. To make matter worse, I am the first man she has brought home to her parents and family. She is 26. In fairness to her she has not offended me in anyway. It is just that I find so much peace and joy being with this other girl who is 24 years of age. I know from my responses on the phone, the one in school knows there is something wrong but I haven’t been able to tell her I have made up my mind to terminate the relationship with her. Agatha, how do I tell her of my intentions to end my relationship with her? What do I do? I love the second girl with all my heart. My parents are worried and afraid not knowing what I am doing. I plan to get married next year, but how do I discharge the school girl? I don’t want any curse in my life in the future. Please Agatha, I really need your help. Everyday, I pray for God’s intervention because marriage is a more serious business than many think. I don’t want to be like Samson, John Wesley, and Solomon, who despite their greatness were destroyed by the women in their lives. Agatha, please tell me how to tell this girl in school who would be coming home soon that I am no longer interested in continuing the relationship with her? Maxwell. Dear Maxwell, It is always better to err on the side of honesty than to err on the side of deceit and lies. There is no contesting the fact that your school-based girlfriend would feel bad about this development in your relationship, but having deceived her enough, be very bold enough to tell her the truth concerning the status of your relationship with her. That she has introduced you to her parents and pastor, should not stop you from telling her the truth about your new feelings towards her. It is only when you both derive joy being together that your family would be happy. Her family would only support a union that guarantees the peace and happiness of their child. Having made up your mind to marry this other girl, it would be pointless to continue to hold on to someone you admit isn’t giving you the type of happiness you want. Your conclusion of being happier with another woman might not make complete sense to her, given the fact that at one time you gave her the impression that she was the most important woman in your life, but it should not stop you from dealing with the situation you have both found yourselves in. She deserves your unconditional apology because you betrayed her by going outside your relationship with her to commence something new with another woman. It doesn’t matter if this second woman is giving you so much joy or not, what is important and crucial is your disloyalty to your school-based girlfriend. What you should have done from the beginning was to have first terminated the relationship with her before going into this new one. In a way, you have also been deceiving this other girl who probably thinks she is the only woman in your life. For you to have made up your mind about marrying her, the relationship must have been on for sometime. How do you think she would react if she gets to find out that while you were giving her all the promises in the world, part of your heart was in the bank of another woman’s heart? You have unwittingly dug for yourself a very delicate hole which you need tact and very clear honesty to firm up. It is for this reason you must urgently deal with this situation before you lose the one you love in the process of being afraid to face up your past. Since there is nothing that can compensate for the truth, begin by confessing to your present girlfriend first. She, like the other girl deserves to know the truth. You may not see the need to tell her, but it is important she knows because should complications occur in your handling of the other woman, you will need the support of your woman to move from the point you are in now with the other woman. But if you don’t tell her and she gets to know when the matter has become completely messy and out of hand, it would be difficult for you to get her to support your move and story. By then she might not be interested in hearing your story as she would now. Besides, hearing it from you would lessen the pains and sense of betrayal that come from hearing such things from a third party. Naturally she won’t be happy knowing that all along, you have someone else in your life but knowing what it has cost you to tell her the truth, she would forgive you easily and stand by you should the other lady decides to make his desire to end the relationship difficult. After securing the support of your girlfriend, call for an appointment with your school- based friend to tell her everything. Begin also by first apologising to her and giving her assurances that she hasn’t done anything to warrant you leaving her for another woman. This point is important to free her to be able to love and trust another man. Make the reason for your choice very clear to her. Let her know that much as you would have liked to be with her, the reality of your feelings for her and your comprehension of what the marriage institution stands for make it difficult for you to continue with her. And that even if you force yourself to marry her as planned; the possibility of you giving her the type of marriage and life she deserves to be completely happy as a woman is nil because the inherent joy and peace she needs to function in your life and home would never be there from your end. She may not readily understand and appreciate what you are trying to pass on to her but over time, when the pains of what appears now to be betrayal subsides, she would be glad you took the bold decision to leave her. To make sure you are heading for a peaceful and happy marriage with this other woman, there is still the need to further subject your choice to the approval of God through fervent prayers because there is more to getting married and remaining married. Good luck.

Pressured into marriage, now I can’t cope

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in a relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me. I finally got employed and I’m in my second month on the job. She later resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place, she told me about her past. From her story, she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desires to settle down as time isn’t on her side. At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding. She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me. We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her; she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meager salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later. Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month. I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church. Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship will be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do? Troubled Soul. Dear Troubled Soul, Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroads because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices. Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy. While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather, it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union. You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were on unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony. If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed planning. The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not being firm at all. Every man that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused; with that comes the determination to put his woman in check. Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby, who will suffer if any rash decision on your part is taken. For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will. That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you, unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home. Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning. Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter. Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her, what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you. To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occurred between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this, it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier to resolve. There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her. When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind. You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails. In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve. Good luck.