Dear Agatha,
I am in a very difficult position. One I would find extremely difficult to explain to my former boyfriend. I honestly don’t even know how to explain it to myself let alone any other one, because it is a very strange thing.
My ex-boyfriend and I went our different ways about five months ago, and since then I haven’t slept with another man on account of the way we separated. I caught him with one of my very good friends. For me, it was the height of it all. Prior to that time, we have had issues concerning his ability to keep his pants zipped up.
Because I have always been told that relationship takes time to form, I kept enduring the situation for four years. But catching him with my friend was more than I could endure. I didn’t give him the chance to explain anything and told him in clear terms that I don’t ever want to see him. Even when some of his friends came to beg and explain that I should give him a chance to explain what really happened, I ignored them all. My parents also tried to speak on his behalf, but backed off when I made my stance very obvious.
I honestly thought I was rid of him until I discovered that I am about five months pregnant. The shock isn’t the pregnancy, but the way my body concealed the knowledge from me. Like I said, we have gone our separate ways and I am carrying his baby inside of me. How do I convince him that the child is his? How do I present the case to him and his family after telling him I am through with him? Will he believe me? Will he ever accept the child as his own? How do I bring a child whose birth would be clothed in controversy into the world? How do I explain the whole matter to my parents or his for that matter? Would he believe I didn’t know about the pregnancy until now? At 32, who would believe I didn’t know I was pregnant till now?
The few friends I told are divided in opinion. While some think abortion is still possible at this stage of the pregnancy, some think I should go ahead and have the baby on my own, since I have a good job without telling the father. Yet others think I owe myself and baby the responsibility of informing the father. And that even if he denies, at least, he would be aware of the existence of the baby.
I am in a very tight corner. Please help me. I love to have a baby, but not in this controversial manner. A doctor I contacted said it was too risky to abort the child at this stage. He also explained that some women don’t experience the usual signs and agrees it is inexplicable. I am so confused because even if he accepts I don’t want to marry him again. There is no way I can marry a man I don’t trust. And I don’t want to be a single mother either.
Iremide.
Dear Iremide,
I don’t subscribe to you aborting the baby whatever the situation. A child is a gift from God and only He has the right to touch a life. He takes and gives as He pleases. It isn’t in your place to do that. The fact that He didn’t allow you the pleasure of experiencing the natural signs a woman notices when she gets pregnant shows that this child is meant to be.
What this means is that this child is very determined to come and any attempt by you to terminate its life could result in your death too. So, be careful. At any rate, have you bothered to consider God’s reason for making all these happen? Naturally, when a woman takes in, her flow is expected to stop even if she is one of those lucky women who don’t experience nausea, spitting and discomfort associated with the early days of pregnancy. That none of these happened shows the benevolent hands of God at work.
Rather than worry at what this man would say, why not begin by thanking God for this special gift? I know and understand all the different shades of feelings you are going through as well as the attendant confusions, but going first to God would help you put things in their proper perspectives.
First, you have to accept the reality of the baby growing inside of you. That is not negotiable. You must have the calmness of mind to accept that no matter what happens between the father and you, this baby has come to stay and for a while may be your sole responsibility.
Once you have the grace to accept the baby as part of you, the attendant strength to face the hostility, condemnation as well as all the other negative attitudes from people around you would come from nowhere. This will help you know what advice to take and those to ignore. For instance, you will learn to shut out from your life those friends asking you to terminate this pregnancy. This is particularly necessary, because you caught your man with one of these so-called friends. Only the spirit of God can tell you the truth at all times.
Those urging you to abort a five months old pregnancy don’t mean well for you. A lot can go wrong even if you entrust your life to the best doctor in the world. What would be your story if you end up having damaged womb? Would say you lost your womb due to fears of raising a child alone? Would any of these friends give you any of their children to call your own? At 32, are you not old enough to be a mother or make your decision? Besides, have you stopped to consider the viability of your biological clock? What about the spiritual angle, the destiny of the individual? What if God reveals to you that child is meant to be your only child in life? Would you still be ashamed to care for it or make excuses for your reason to get rid of it?
If you have never given him cause to suspect you, lied to him, he would believe you. Only a man who doesn’t trust his woman or running away from responsibility would deny a woman he has slept with. Don’t judge or condemn him even before giving him a chance to defend his honour as a man. Yes, he may appear irresponsible to you on account of his behaviour, but when it comes to the issue of knowing that he is about to be a father, don’t deny him his rights. Your body may be incubating the child, but he is the father. Hence he has the right to know because you didn’t make the baby alone.
Even if he doubts the paternity of the baby, modern medicine has made such thing so simple. A DNA could be conducted on the foetus to determine the paternity or on the baby after birth.
Telling him doesn’t mean you have to go back to him if you don’t want to, but it would give both of you the chance to discuss the well being of this child God has graciously given to the two of you.
Overtime, it would also give you two the chance to re-assess your relationship. This child could be God’s way of forcing you to listen to the wise counsel of all those who tried to talk you out of your decision. There is no way you both won’t talk about the past if both of you plan to play prominent roles in the life of this child.
Until you listen to him, you won’t know how your friend ended up in the position you caught both of them. Have you ever tried considering the fact that your friend out of jealousy may have planned everything to ensure you broke up with him?
You will never know the true nature of some of your friends or motive of their friendship unless you hear this man out. Listening doesn’t mean you should forgive him, but knowing what actually transpired that day would go a long way in helping you understand a lot of things happening around you.
Whatever happens between the two of you, the interest of the child should always come first, because at the end of the day that is what would count the most.
Good luck.
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