She hates my family members with a passion

Dear Agatha,

I don’t know why my wife hates every member of my family. We have been married for nine years now and blessed with a male child who is six years old. After the arrival of our son, her hatred for my people, most especially my mother, grew. For some strange reasons, she came to the conclusions that my mother is a bad woman who pretends a lot and is also a witch. 

Since then, anything I say about my people ends up in misunderstanding between us. When I realised this, I stopped discussing issues concerning my family with her. She doesn’t want me to have anything to do with them. When they call, she would instruct me to tell them she isn’t around. Sometimes, I say it to satisfy her. She also thinks I lie about the amount of money I tell her I give to them.

I confess she has been very supportive since I lost my job. But it is sad that since becoming the breadwinner, her behavior has changed. In all sincerity, it doesn’t bother me except her nagging over issues that are best forgotten. As a person, I don’t brag over whatever God has used me to do for anybody because nothing can be accomplished without His power. Whenever I remind her of this important fact of life, she calms down. She is very aggressive; the reason I disallowed my daughter, I had before meeting her from staying with us. She hates them all with a passion. I always tell her to appreciate God for giving her a male child. My sex life is zero. At times, we make love only about five to six times in a year; not because I don’t want to, but because she keeps resisting any move I make towards being intimate with her.  Though, I still love her, but not as before. She even told me her mother advised her to end the marriage because everywhere they went, my mother gets fingered as being behind all the problems confronting me. Thankfully, she declined the mother’s advice. I am the very quiet type; I don’t talk much and am very patient but, patience shouldn’t be taken for granted. 

Folaborn. 

Dear Folaborn,

No, patience shouldn’t be taken for granted. But in marriage, it is never enough especially when things are this cloudy and inexplicable.

There are so many confusing angles in this story making it difficult for me to be précised on this matter.

What was the relationship between you and your wife before you lost your job? Has she always been hostile to your family members? What is the contribution of your mother to the strained relationship between your wife and her? Why didn’t you marry the mother of your daughter? Did you notice these character flaws in your wife during courtship? Have you sat her down to discuss your pains and disappointments at her attitude? As a man, in what ways have you tried to assert authority? Being quiet isn’t the same thing as being timid. A woman can be the bread winner but she must be respectful and sensitive to the feelings of her husband.

Before taking your daughter out of your house, did you discuss the issue with your wife? How did you and your family treat her when you still had a job? What kind of mother is her own mother? Is she the domineering kind who also lacks respect for her husband? If you were to comment on the relationship between your mother and father-in-laws, how would you describe it? How often do you resist attempts by your wife to recreate the kind of relationship between her parents in your home?

The reasons I asked these questions are to help you come to a better understanding of the kind of thoughts going on inside her mind as well as where the problems are coming from.

I will begin from the last four questions. There is no way your wife can be better than the training and examples she got from her mother. Except in very few instances, daughters grow into the kinds of wives their mothers are to their fathers. If her mother is in the habit of hushing her husband to submission through nagging, don’t expect anything better from the daughter. She will never be better than the example and situation she grew up knowing.

That is the only example she has; of a domineering mother and a hen-pecked father. The irony of life is that in most cases, girls gravitate towards men like their fathers. Chances are she noticed similarities in your person and that of her father. It isn’t something that happens consciously. Most of the time, we do these things unconsciously because the examples our different environments provide us with are permanently etched in that side of our memory bank that houses the hard-drive. We don’t get to use them as we use the soft ware but they are there and come to powerful play when important decisions concerning our lives are to be taken.

That is why we want our children to do things the same we did them as children. In a twisted way too, your wife also shares certain similarities with your mother; the reason you picked her for a wife.

Furthermore, the strength which has become a problem to you now, was in the beginning a plus as you thought it would come handy when things are not going on well for you.

The problem you are having with your marriage and wife is that of managing all the loose ends to your advantage. The fact that she is able to step in to care for the family makes your unconscious judgment about her strength on target but, as each day unfolds, this same virtue has become your pain.

If you want to escape being like your father-in-law, you must show your fangs from time to time. You don’t have to be violent to be in charge. There is tremendous strength in being quiet. Use quiet authority to take over the headship of your home to stop the downtrend of your marriage. Let her know that the reason you tolerate her excesses isn’t because you are afraid of being left in the cold; rather, you are enduring her behavior because you swore before the world to uphold the tenets of the marriage institution. Make it clear to her that you have a choice as a man to go outside your home for the comfort of a woman’s body since she is denying you of hers. Both man made laws and the laws of God will support you given the condition between you and her. Hearing that you do have a choice in this matter, would definitely make her more cautious; no matter her lack of interest in you, she would not want another woman to take her place; the reason she resisted her mother’s pressures that she quits the marriage.

She has persisted because you gave her the impression you don’t have a choice. Being jobless doesn’t make you less of a man. Which brings me to the next issue; only few women appreciate and understand the agony of a man without a means of supporting his family. If you have to borrow from friends, do so and begin a business, no matter how small it is. Going out everyday and bringing in something is the only way to end the reign of terror in your home especially with a wife like yours.

It is the only time you can sit her down to a meaningful discussion without enduring another series of insults from her as you will no longer appear to be pathetic. One question you should ask in your dialogue with her is, if you made a mistake by marrying her. Let her know as a man, you will always have a choice of whether to continue or not in the marriage.

In addition, find out why she hates your family with so much passion. If she is unwilling to talk, ask her if it has anything to do with whatever attitude they put up against her in the past. Chances are, she sees your current travails as a God given opportunity to repay you and your family for something they did to her long ago. Talking with her will unveil certain things, which you as a man and the head of the home must learn from. Sometimes, a harmless statement could be misinterpreted by someone with a deeper mindset to mean something else. The fact that you took your daughter away from the house is enough to make a woman with the tendency to make trouble, determined to make life very uncomfortable for her man.

You can use your quietness to thaw her by refusing to talk to her, instead concentrate on your son. It is a matter of you being determined to regain the headship of your home. You are losing grip of everything because you have become comfortable in your situation.

Again, the fact that you are taking money from her to give your family is enough for her to be rude to them especially as there appears to be no love lost between them from the beginning. Your family should understand your situation and refrain from asking you for money. They should think of ways to help you get back on your feet again. Their demand is contributing to your problems with your wife who feels bad that her money is being given to people who don’t like her.

Above all, learn to trust God more than before.

Good luck.

Share a problem

With Auntie Agatha,  gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,  Tel: 08054500626

Can I trust him with my future?

Dear Agatha,

I met this man last year who proposed to me after some few months of dating. I didn’t immediately accept his proposal because I was writing my final project then. But I’m now serving in Ondo State. Before I accepted, he told me he will be going for his master’s degree in the United Kingdom,(UK).

He is 31years, while l’m 27 years of age and I’m from Imo State but he is from Abia State.

He got me engaged, I have been to their family house on several occasion. Before I saw him off to the airport,   he promised to be back next year for our wedding. But when he finally got to his school in the UK, he discovered he wasn’t enrolled as a masters degree student but a fresh student which meant he would be in the school for three years instead of one year.

This man asked me to wait for him for three years without a serious commitment.

At first he did not tell his people but when he finally did, they told him to calm down and study as marriage will come later that even if I cannot wait, he should move on. I have people coming for my hand in marriage but I’m not in any relationship with any of these people. I don’t know if I should wait. He just left for UK just two months ago. How am I sure that he will not disappoint after waiting for him?

I made it clear to him when he was here that we would have nothing to do sexually because I wanted to keep my virginity till our wedding night. Unlike most men, he didn’t push me for anything until he traveled. 

Out of the little salary he has earned from last month that he started to work, he has sent N100,000.00 into my account which he said is towards our wedding. What should I do? I don’t know what to believe and what not to believe anymore. Please help me as you have been helping others with the wisdom God has given to you.

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady,

Life is a gamble. It is never smooth or clearly defined. Everything we do in life is premised on choice.

You are the one in the middle of this whole thing. Looking at similar instances and what happened eventually to those involved; one might just be tempted to tell you to jettison the relationship and look for someone else here.

But there are those too who were able to maintain their relationships in similar situations.  Besides, that you are and a man live together is no guarantee that the relationship will work out. So your fear about the future if you continue in the relationship is baseless.

You may have a boyfriend here and he ends up disappointing you even seconds to your wedding vows whereas, a dating couple that has stayed apart for a while ends up marrying each other.

What works for one couple may not work for another.

That isn’t dismissing your apprehensions which are genuine and well founded. Since a relationship is primarily based on the understanding of the people involved, you have to find ways of talking as sincerely as possible to him. Let him know what your fears are and how it is already affecting your peace. He may not really understand what you are going through given the fact that he has given you his assurances that both of you would end up as an item in future but telling him that the position of his parents scare you as well as whether he has the ability to stay without a serious commitment, will make him better appreciate your apprehension as well as need for him to take serious decision concerning the two of you.

Although at 30, he isn’t also too young not to know his left from his right. By now, he should know the woman that is right for him. This is because at his age, some of his friends would be married so, if he is still depending on his parents to influence his decision, then you are better off without him.

At his age, he is well matured enough to appreciate the qualities he wants in a wife which he must have seen in you to make him want to marry you. The fact too that he is sending you money towards the wedding ceremony shows that he hasn’t forgotten you.

Sometimes in life, we experience delays and disappointments to allow God’s perfect His will for us.

The fact that he is able within such a short time to send money should appeal to your fears about him and his interest in you. Not many men who haven’t slept with a woman would do that.

Besides, he also has reasons too to be apprehensive over you ability to wait for him. Just like some men who go there disappoint their Nigeria based girlfriends so also do women here disappoint their foreign based boyfriends. It is a matter of personal choice and what one holds important.

Every relationship strives on trust and understanding. You must try to understand his situation for now as well as the fact that he hasn’t given you a reason to doubt him. If at the end of the day, he leaves you, it can only mean one thing: both of you were never meant to be. From my experiences a couple meant to be, will survive the toughest of storms to spend the rest of their lives together.

So rather than live in fear of what tomorrow would bring, try to relax and enjoy this moment of having him in your life even if he is thousands of miles away from you. The beauty of a relationship is to revel in its essence. There is no way you can enjoy today if you are constantly thinking of the tomorrow that may never come. Only God can be categorical about the pregnancy tomorrow carries.

You didn’t plan your meeting with him. A force greater than you brought the two of you together so why not allow the process go on?

All you can do at this point is express your concerns and worries to him through the telephone.

In the alternative, you can also consider going there to further your education so that both of you can be together. Discuss this angle with him if you are so worried about losing him to another woman.

But beyond your desire to marry him, how much of him do you know? Do you think he has all the qualities you need in your ideal man? That is, if you have an idea of the kind of man you want in your life.

Also, you should learn to trust God with your everything; it is the only way you can learn to be patient with the situation. Any person who attempts to run beyond his or her destiny risks destroying the delicate balance of life.

Also look deep into your heart for answers to those things that are bothering you about this situation. Many of the answers we actually seek are right there in our heart but most of the time, we allow our desires to override the tiny voice of reasoning pointing us at the right way to go.

Look beyond the issue of your age and look at what would make you happy the most in life. When a woman puts age on the front burner always, the tendency of her making the wrong move is high. This is because age creates fear and puts a woman under undue pressure when it comes to marriage. Refuse to be pressured by the fear of your biological clock in arriving at what would make you happiest in life.

The truth is, if you weren’t 27, you wouldn’t have been so bothered about him staying away for three years. Granted, age is important to a woman, but when she makes it extremely important to the exclusion of every other consideration; chances are, she might never be really happy with her eventual choice. This is why you should exercise a little bit of patience in handling this situation.

A responsible woman will never lack the attention of men who know what a quality woman does to a man.

Just put all your trust in God.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

My sister wants to ruin my home

Dear Agatha, 

Twenty five years ago, I gave my child out to my elder sister whose uterus was defective from birth. As early as five, doctors told our parents she would never be able to have a child in her life.

When I became pregnant and my boyfriend refused to accept responsibility of the pregnancy, she begged me not to terminate it; that I should instead have the baby and give it to her.

I agreed because I was afraid to go through the process of abortion which wasn’t as common then as it is now.

The baby turned out to be a boy. I handed him to my sister right in the hospital. I am not sure she told her husband about the state of her womb because while I was pregnant, she also pretended she was. She practically moved in with us to make her pretense easier for her. 

Apart from our immediate family nobody is aware of what happened. my mother was a matron and had her own clinic. She handled everything. The birth record of the boy reads my sister’s name and that of her husband.

I have since married with four other children. I didn’t bother to tell my husband about the boy because to me the incident didn’t happen at all. I didn’t even bother to tell him I was pregnant before.

My first two children are in the university while the younger ones are in secondary school. My husband is the best thing that could happen to any woman.

About five years ago, my sister joined a church. She started by keeping her distance from the family, two years ago, she sent my son back to me without saying anything. Since she didn’t say anything, I also didn’t but about three months ago, she told me she wants to return the child to me and to confess to her husband and mine that I am the real mother of the child. 

She said her pastor said she should go and confess her sins. My mother has tried to talk her out of it pointing out that it would affect my marriage since my husband knows nothing about our arrangement but she has refused insisting she doesn’t want to go to hell.

I don’t want my marriage to break up because only last week, I questioned him on what he would do if he ever finds out that I have had a child I never told him about. His reply prompted this mail to you; he said he would terminate our marriage. What do I do? I cannot afford to lose my home because of the good I did for my sister.

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,

Don’t wait for her to blow the whistle on you, go first to your husband with your story; no matter how unpalatable he finds the story. It is best he gets to hear it from you first before your sister gets to him. If she does before you, you would have lost the opportunity of retaining the trust and confidence of your husband for life.

There is nothing you would ever say there after that he will believe you again.

Even though he would be pained and disappointed at the knowledge that you hid this piece of information from him is the very reason you should really plead with him to forgive you; that you kept the information away from him because of the vow you made to your sister and family. That, telling him would have amounted to betraying the collective trust of your family and that you admit; you would never have told him if your sister didn’t have a change of mind.

If the matter gets out of hand, get your mother since she is still alive to further talk to him. Being elderly and privy to the whole arrangement, she has the experience to further cool him down and beg for the understanding of your husband.

Let her take the blame for your not telling him. I am sure if she explains her role in the whole episode as well as her influence over you to him, he would understand and better appreciate your position.

While at it, give him the full details of how you got pregnant and how the father of your child hasn’t bothered to look back ever since then. This is the junction you let him have all the details about your life so that you don’t ever have to apologise to him about your past again.

This is necessary to avoid putting your marriage through this kind of situation. It would be too much of a burden for the marriage if you neglect to let him have all the information about your past life.

No matter the angle you look at this matter from, if the truth must be told, you should have confided in your husband for the simple reason that you could run in the presence of your husband into somebody who knew you when you were pregnant all those years ago.

What would be your reaction if the person asks the innocent question of the whereabouts of that child? Did you ever considered the possibility in all these arrangements with your sister of the biological father of that boy coming someday to ask for his child?

Marriage isn’t a transient thing rather it is a lifetime. No matter how tight your arrangement was with your sister, this is one secret that couldn’t have lasted forever.  These kinds of stories have a way of erupting when one least expects. That is why couples must always come clean with stories of their past.

What you, your sister and mother tried to do was play god in a matter that God has already decided. What He did was to use your sister to stop you from aborting that child and giving your sister a child to help her through her most vulnerable period in life.

The fact that she wants to tell the truth shouldn’t stop the boy from living with her. The only thing is that he now knows the identity of his biological mother. After living with her for 25 years, it would be unfair to all concerned even if she appears unreasonable, selfish and stiff neck if you accept your son back without giving her the option to continue to be his mother.

Her husband may not forgive the deceit of what happened all those years ago hence would need the warmth of the only child she has ever known to pull her through. Therefore forgive whatever she is trying to do to your marriage and life by helping her to cope with the emotional challenges she is about to unleash on herself and marriage.

But beyond your husband and sister, is the challenge of confronting your son with the details of his birth. While you husband may not bother too much on the identity of the father of your son, he would definitely demand it from you. Be prepared to go back in time to give him all the information that will help him live a normal life again.

He is a man; he might want to drop his current name for his father’s. Be prepared to show him love and be there for him anytime he needs your attention and even when he appears not to need you. More than anyone of you, he is the one who is going to suffer more emotional problem from all these.

This is the time you have to be the mother you have never been to him.

May God give you the strength, wisdom and patience to cope.

Good luck.

Share a problem, With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

I’m older than my boyfriend

 Dear Agatha,

I have long wished to write you. I have been reading your articles on Independent Newspapers for some years now. I marvel at the way you handle issues maturely. I know it is God in you doing this great work. 

I am involved with a man I am older than by four months. We have discussed this issue and he says he’s got no problem with it. I also don’t. 

But, I still want to know if age counts when it comes to love? What is your opinion about a lady getting married to a man she is older than? 

 Miss E.C

Dear E.C.,

There is nothing wrong in a younger man marrying an older woman as long as they are both comfortable with the arrangement and in love with each other. Age is a thing of the mind. Once one is able to wrap and keep it where it belongs, doesn’t allow it become too much of a factor in one’s life and calculations, it becomes a positive partner and not a negative one.

Besides, four months age difference isn’t much of anything. However, the problems are; how you will manage the differences and how he perceives it after the early moments of falling in love.

Often than not, the challenges for the men come after the novelty of falling in love wears off. As long as he doesn’t allow certain minor things that should matter bug his mind; like comparing you with all the other younger women he comes across, developing resentment against you for no just reason, develops a mature mind to act his role as the man rather than a young man, is also respectful of your feelings, then there is nothing to be afraid of.

You on the other hand must appreciate that age or no age, he remains the head of the team. Therefore, you must never do anything to make him feel less than a man by giving him all the respect he deserves from you.

Don’t ever make the mistake of discussing his age with any of your friends or family members to protect his dignity as the man. Mischievous friends and family members, acting on the information may decide to treat him with disdain, mock him and question his motive for going into a relationship with you.

Pretending to be on a mission to protect your interest, some friends can really mess things up behind you. This is why you should never trust friends with the age of a man you are older than. Some would wonder and call your motive desperation so be careful on all fronts.

You also have to learn to be submissive; more than a woman who married an older man. The reason for this is, the older man doesn’t have the insecurity of the younger man married to an older woman.

What an older man will gloss over, the younger man may impute another reason all together to it. Although maturity has nothing to do with age, the influence of his friends on his reasoning should not be ignored by you.

Not all men have the ability to keep certain things about their women to themselves. Once the word is out that you may be older than he is, certain friends of his will never let go of the opportunity of rubbing it in.

Also learn to dress smart and accentuate your best features; it will help keep his mind focused on you.

Importantly, keep communication constant between the two of you. at all times you should know what and how he feels about you.

Managing age related issue in a marriage is like managing a temper. You must constantly work on the likely situations that might emanate from your age differences from time to time. Work yourself to become his best friend.

This you must begin from the early stage of your relationship because of the peculiarity of your relationship; by being his best friend, you give your marriage an additional reason to strive better than most. It will also keep other busybodies out of your relationship.

Above all, stop worrying about it as you can easily become paranoid about it, which will make you extremely apprehensive of any young woman around him.

The only way to avoid this is to be confident in your love for each other, in yourself as well as trust in his person and credibility. Don’t ever make the mistake of doubting his love for you. The moment you do that, you weaken the foundation of your relationship. Always entrust everything to God first.

Good luck.

Will he ever come back?

Dear Agatha, 

May God increase your wisdom in Jesus Name. After five days of fasting and prayers concerning marital issues, I met a young man who loved me as much as I loved him. But along the line we had problems and he told me off. For six months, I tried to communicate with him but my efforts were abortive. Those were the most painful moments of my life as I cried, fasted, prayed, begged him but all to no avail. I was really affected by the whole thing because he was the only man I have ever loved. 

I decided to walk away as painful as it was, since the situation looked hopeless. After him, I met a young man from a nice family but the day I went on a date with him, I had a dream warning me to wait that he wasn’t my husband. 

Lately, I met another man and I had a dream again that I should specifically go and wait for that first man, that this present one is not my husband. 

Agatha, I’m still praying concerning it but since we broke up, there had never been any communication because if I call or sms him, he will not pick my calls or reply my messages. I don’t have the intention of calling or sending him sms again. I’m really losing my patience because time isn’t on my side. 

What do I do?

Vero.

Dear Vero,

There is no greater peace like trusting in the person of God. Since you have entrusted the choice of a husband to Him, don’t despair or lose faith in His ability to do what is right.

God has never been known to be late, early; He is always on time with His promises and plans for us.

Many a time, we miss the big picture of God’s plans for us out of impatience and personal desire to get things done our way forgetting we are nobody without Him in the first place.

If you trust Him enough to pray to Him for assistance, learn to wait for His answers and will for you.

Chances are that the man He says you should wait for is on a reform journey; one he has to go through so that he can make you a very good husband.

So many times, we think we know it all; have the right answers to the situations we are going through but at the end of the day, our ways are always fraught with painful issues that leave us drained and without solutions at the end of the day.

God must love you so dearly to keep warning you against making a mistake in your choice of a husband.

Since He has identified who your husband to be is, you should change your prayer point to God touching the mind of your ex boyfriend to forgive or forget the past and come back to you.

The point is for him to appreciate the essence of having and needing a girlfriend. It will also afford you the opportunity to grow into each other and know what you both need as an item.

Don’t rush ahead of your time. Lean exclusively on the arms of God by trusting Him unconditionally.

When it is time for both of you to come together, nothing and nobody will be able to stop your union.

Also, use this time to reform your ways. If there is anything you know he has constantly complained of, he doesn’t like about you, this is the time for you to make that change.

Consider this period as a time of learning; more like being in school where time is the teacher of patience and tolerance.

Just keep praying and trusting God for guidance.

Good luck.