Dear Agatha,
I just got married a few months ago and I am already having trouble with my husband over the issue of having a joint account. Before we got married we discussed the issue in passing but we didn’t agree on anything concrete. I have always had it in mind because of the problem my own parents and siblings had with it. The marriage of my parents suffered as a result of misunderstanding arising from having a joint account.
My mother felt betrayed when she discovered my father was using part of the money from the account to conduct his affairs.
She also discovered that while she kept faith my father kept defaulting. The furor it generated was such that my mother packed out of the house in anger. Though she came back after a while, the hurt and bitterness was too deep for her to forgive. She finally left when the mistress of my father came with a baby. My mother simply refused to be consoled she told everybody that cared to listen that her husband used her money from their joint account to finance the relationship that led to the conception and birth. She said her continued stay with my father and the boy would always remind her of her foolishness and betrayal by my father.
The story of my eldest sister is not different. Her husband used the opportunity of their having a joint account to be irresponsible. He not only refused to keep his side of the bargain but also ensured that my sister did. The month she refused to transfer the agreed amount, he would make the home very uncomfortable for her. She ended up using all her salary to feed, care and support his extra marital affairs. Like my mother when she couldn’t take it anymore she too left her marriage.
Flowing from the experiences of these two very close people to me, I developed a natural phobia and hatred for anything joint accountant.
That was the main reason I refused to have a conclusive discussion with my boyfriend when he brought up the matter during our relationship.
I have tried everything I know, including telling him about the experiences of my mother and sister to dissuade him from insisting on it but he said it is the only way to ensure we contribute fairly to the upkeep of the house, the same arguments my father and brother-in-law put up when they were tying to convince my mother and sister. He said it worked well for his parents and that since we love and trust each other, it would work.
Our opposing views are such that our three-month-old marriage is at risk. He is refusing to eat at home or sleep with me in our room. My mother is of the opinion I should not allow him bully me into doing something I don’t want to do and strongly cautioned against operating a joint account with any man, that I should learn from what happened to her and my sister. That my husband would also treat me the same way as my father and brother-in-law did.
Agatha, please tell me what to do. I love my husband but I don’t want to operate a joint account with him. Why are men so bigheaded? Why must they always insist things are done their way? Why are they always out to cheat women? Why is he being so unreasonable over something that is not important at all?
Jibike.
Dear Jibike,
If it is not important why are you both quarreling over it? Why don’t you just give in to him if it is not important to you at all?
I am sure you would not have written me if it were not fundamental to your happiness and success of your marriage. And it is not true that men are arrogant, out to cheat women or bigheaded. It is wrong to make a general categorisation based on the experiences of a few.
A lot of women too are guilty of the same offences. What is important is how the individuals in a relationship overcome their differences.
One secret to a successful marriage is to appreciate that just as we are different in looks and character so are marriages. Not even identical twins have similar outlook to life.
Marriages work best if couples tailor it to fit into their character, view of life, as well as understanding of each other. When couples try to mould their marriages into the jackets of other people, then a problem occurs. Simply because your parents and sister failed to make a success of a particular thing does not automatically translate to you failing to make a success of it.
Your man and marriage are not the same as your parents or sister’s. You are different from them and so is your man. What you both need is an honest assessment of your feelings, intention and the amount of trust you both have and are willing to invest in the relationship. It is also the amount of faith you have in each other and are willing to give. You must have sufficient trust and faith in yourselves and marriage to make anything work.
Rather than dismiss the idea because of the experiences of those close to you, look at it, and see how you can make it work for you. You both can agree as a tentative start to use the joint account to keep your housekeeping money. We all know that given the harsh economic condition in the country, most men cannot adequately fend for their families alone. What he gives you and what you add can be put away in a joint account. It would go a long way in determining how you would manage trusts, as well as larger amounts. To totally dismiss your husband’s suggestion on the premise that it failed your mother and sister is not good enough. Remember, unlike your parents, it worked for his so he has a right to want to try it in his marriage.
I think the problem is not the joint account but your approach to it. If you had taken time to listen to him, reason with him and agreed to find a common ground to the issue, you won’t be going through this problem so early in your marriage.
Go to him and apologise. Once again, take time to explain the reason for your apprehension over the issue of the joint account. Tell him you are willing to give it a try to make him happy. I am sure with this olive branch from you, he would have a rethink. Always remember that marriage is all about compromises and selflessness. As a woman the sacrifices are more on your side. You just have to do everything to make it work.
In addition, you also have to invite God into your home and heart. You have to entrust your home absolutely to Him. With Him, you cannot go wrong.
And please limit the intervention of your family and his in your marriage. Granted, the experiences of your mother and sister did not end well, still your mother should have advised you to allow the will of God prevail. To have told you not to mind your husband is wrong and an attempt to transfer her hurt to you and into your marriage. Be careful you don’t invest your marriage with the viruses from other people’s problems. You are unwittingly towing the line of your parents’ marriage by refusing to give in to your husband’s suggestions.
When confused and in need of direction, go to God in prayer and fasting. In marriages where God is the head, the issue of joint account is a very simple one. A man who is by nature irresponsible will be, joint account or not. There are a lot of men who have betrayed their vows without operating joint accounts with their wives. Continue to pray to God to make your husband responsible in all ways. That is what is important, not the joint account.
Good luck.
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