Wednesday, December 16
My Stepmother Divides Our Family

Dear Agatha,
We lost our mother sometime in March 1975 and our father remarried in 1979. We had what a child will call a difficult childhood without a mother. My father’s wife never for one day treated us as her children. We were, to her, another wives to my father.

However, when we became of age I told my siblings never to repay evil for evil, and that whatever happened be regarded as part of our destiny. To an extent, they all agreed with me. Her three children had free access to our homes, finances. Anyone who didn’t know would think we are all from the same mother. God used us to sponsor them through universities, a fact our father knows and says.
Despite this, she still refused to give us our due respect or treat us as her own. Being Christians, we ignore her especially as we all live far from home. While we do not lay claim to being saints, we believe there are no grievances that cannot be resolved.

Going by her children’s attitude these days, it is becoming apparent they too want separation from us. To be honest, it isn’t as if I am afraid of trouble, but not one within the family set-up.
Agatha, how do we handle this situation so that we can all come together as a family? What role must each of us play and what do we tell our father. He is aged and sad about this development.
Kindly advise me.
Anthony.




Dear Anthony,
The major problem came from your father. Had he from the beginning curbed the excesses of his wife, insisted on all his children functioning as an entity from the same source, the situation wouldn’t have endured to this level.
There is no way you can get someone who doesn’t want to be part of a team to play your game. The wise thing to do is to allow them be. Until they desire it, you will only be wasting your time trying to make them dance to your rhythm. There has to be a corresponding desire from their end for any effort you and your mother’s children make to be fruitful.
Frankly, the only person who can do anything about it is your father. He must be concerned about what happens to his family at his death. If his family were divided when he is still alive, what would happen when he dies?
As the next head of the family, there is the need for you to go to him to impress it on him to call a family meeting of his wife and all the children. At the meeting he should give everybody the chance to speak out his or her fears and grievances. His wife should speak first. This is to ensure she sits through the meeting and stop her from accusing you and your father of setting up the meeting to humiliate her.
As the woman of the house, let her tell all of you what her fears are. Thereafter, starting from you, each child should be given the chance to talk.
During the meeting, the issue of inheritance should be discussed. While your stepmother may shy away from telling the meeting her real reason for maltreating your mother’s children, you shouldn’t. If God is blessing you and your siblings so much so you were all able to pay the school fees of her children, you and your siblings should meet to discuss what you all intend to do with your father’s property if there is anything.
But good wisdom demands that if the need be, allow her and the children have their fill, taking into account that life isn’t about the property we live behind, but the peace of mind we were able to enjoy. If her intentions have always been to corner the property for her children, nothing you do for her and her children would ever be enough or thaw her attitude towards you and your siblings.
It is the truth, one you cannot run away from no matter how religious you have become. So, in the interest of the unity of the family, you must be ready for some form of sacrifices, because with this type of person, only one way is good enough, her own way.
There is no pleasing this type of person, and if her children are anything like her, be ready for acrimony.
Family issues are the most difficult to resolve without the fear and wisdom of God. The issues go beyond your siblings and her. You would be surprised at the many unseen hands behind the issue you are now trying to resolve. A lot of your extended family members for personal reasons are waiting in the wings to help all of you remain divided because it is only in a crisis that they can benefit. For this reason, you must learn to let go of so many things, including what those who are not close to God term important things. If you are all true Christians and have the confidence in the God you serve to do all things, concede to her and her children whatever they want. It will never stop you from reaching where God has ordained. It would instead stop them from executing their evil plans against you and your siblings. Immediate victories are usually not the enduring ones rather those won after a long period of sacrifices are usually the lasting ones. Give her and her children their victory today and allow God give you the everlasting kind, the type that would see them coming back to you in later years to ask for forgiveness.
That should be your attitude at the meeting with your father and his household. God will give you the wisdom to do what is right.
Good luck.

Tuesday, December 15
After He Duped Me, Bid Bye On Frown Face


Dear Agatha,
God bless you for your wonderful advice and may God continue to bless and increase you in all your doings.
I am the same person that wrote about his refusal to come to the house.
I met this guy who is 32 years of age six months ago and fell in love with him. Before we started dating he was the one making all the calls as well as sending all text messages. Suddenly, he changed. He stopped calling me as frequent as before. He started complaining about lack of money to load his phone on account of him not working. Because I love him so much, I didn’t complain too much.
There is this particular business he indicated interest in, but couldn’t venture into due to lack of funds. One day while at work he called to know if I could help him secure a loan from a bank. He suggested I use my salary account as security to get the loan.
The money he mentioned was much. After he dropped the phone, I sat back to think and came to the conclusion that it was too risky a thing for me to do. Even if I have such an opportunity, I would rather use the money to further my studies or invest for my mother.
However, I decided to give him N40, 000 out of my monthly contribution in the office as demonstration of my loyalty to him.
Before the sallah break, we didn’t agree on whether we would see or not. A day before sallah, I called him to ask if he wanted us to see. He said there was no problem and that he was at home.
That Friday night I tried to call him, but his phone was switched off, I tried his line throughout the night, but wasn’t available. He, however, picked it in the morning only for him to ask if I have anything to give him. He however told me to come over to his house. When I was almost at his house, I called to inform him that I was almost at his place. To my surprise, he told me I should have told him before leaving my house because he wasn’t at home.
I still decided to proceed to his house, that notwithstanding.
When I got there, I got the biggest shock of my life as I met him with another girl watching a movie while the floor was littered with used condoms.
He greeted me as if I meant nothing to him and made the introductions.
Agatha, I can’t believe the humiliation as well as the disappointment. He didn’t even bother to come after me as I left his house. When he later called, it was not even to apologise but to query me on the rights I have to be monitoring him.
I felt both pity and shame for myself. It all snowballed into anger forcing me to send him a text message to refund my money. He replied that he didn’t have the money to pay. At the church, he said the same thing when I went to demand for my money. He didn’t stop at that, he called me a mad girl. And asked why should he be sorry for what he did, that if I wanted him to go on his knees to beg me?
It is so painful that after all the sacrifices, energy I put into building the relationship, this is what I get from a man I gave so much? He actually sent me a text never to ask for the money again and to let him be. It is particularly hurtful because we worship in the same church.
Agatha, will I be able to forgive him? Even if I do forgive him will I be able forget it?
Disappointed Lady.



Dear Disappointed Lady,
At one time or the other in the course of having relationships with members of the opposite sex, we have all had our fingers burnt. All you did for him, you did out of love so don’t hurt yourself any more than you already are by dwelling on the disappointment this relationship turned out to be.
The best thing to do now is to take stock of your own mistakes in all these. The exercise is intended to help you recognise the obvious signs of deception you ignored in this relationship.
The truth is, he never pretended to love or cherish you. You did all the loving and sacrifices. Perhaps you presented yourself too desperate to marry him, and he took advantage of you. It is the mistake many women make. Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Hence a relationship must be allowed to grow healthily before plans are made.
When a man senses a woman is too much in a hurry to end up as his wife, chances are he begins to misbehave and take advantage of her feelings. There is no contesting the fact that this man took advantage of your feelings, knew you wanted him and were willing to do anything to keep him.
When he started to complain about lack of money to call you, you should have known that something wasn’t too right especially as he had money to call and send numerous text messages to you while he was still asking you out.
The natural question should have been where did the money come from to make all those calls? The second sign came when he tried persuading you to use your salary account to get a loan for him without discussing it first with you or the mode of payment.
A man who has the interest of his woman at heart would have first broached the matter with her, discussed the business with her, listened to her inputs, jointly considered the viability, the gestation period as well as the projected time for profit. That he didn’t do any of these before asking you to take a loan for him ought to have raised alarm bells in your head?
If it is any consolation, in some ways, in the process of falling in love we have all, at one time or the other, being taking advantage of. You made a genuine mistake, one that a more reasonable and honest man would have appreciated. Don’t ask him for the money again. It makes you a much better and successful person that he is. Any man who does what he did to you isn’t worth crying over. Instead, you should count yourself very lucky that the loss isn’t much. What would you have done if you had gone ahead to help him secure the loan?
What do you think would happen if in the process of your being together, you got pregnant, do you think him responsible enough to take charge of the situation? Sometimes when God does things in our favour we, in our foolishness, think He is against us. That you discovered him and his ways early should make you extremely happy because if you hadn’t, chances are that you would still have continued to invest monetarily in him. How would you have felt if you didn’t discover him early enough and had continued to hope and put in all your resources in this relationship?
You must forgive if you want God to continue to have mercy on you. Despicable as his actions are, you need to allow memories of the pains he inflicted on you go, because to continue to hold on to them is telling God that you want to fight the battle by yourself. Like the money, forgive him. It remains the best way to be happy and victorious in life. The truth is that both of you weren’t intended to be an item. Refusing to forgive him is like telling God He made a mistake in His choice of a partner for you. Without him leaving your life, the right person won’t have the opportunity to come into your life. What you should do now is to pray that God sends the right man to you as soon as possible, someone who would care and appreciate the uniqueness that is you, not a man who would not think twice before humiliating you in the presence of his numerous girlfriends.
No man who has the fear of God in His heart would do that to the woman in his life. Even if he plays around he would go the extra mile to ensure his main woman never gets a hint of his foul play. For him to have humiliated you in such a way is enough prove that you and this man were never meant to be.
Good luck.



Is Henry Attanashious Reading This?


Dear Agatha,
I have a friend whose name is Henry Attanashious. He hails from Adamawa State, a Bassama tribe.
I lost contact with him since 1995, and have since been trying to get him, but to no avail. I would be grateful if anyone who knows him contacts me through this number,
08035939303.
Peter Olorunmaye.

Carrying His Baby Months After I Left Him!

Dear Agatha,

I am in a very difficult position. One I would find extremely difficult to explain to my former boyfriend. I honestly don’t even know how to explain it to myself let alone any other one, because it is a very strange thing.

My ex-boyfriend and I went our different ways about five months ago, and since then I haven’t slept with another man on account of the way we separated. I caught him with one of my very good friends. For me, it was the height of it all. Prior to that time, we have had issues concerning his ability to keep his pants zipped up.

Because I have always been told that relationship takes time to form, I kept enduring the situation for four years. But catching him with my friend was more than I could endure. I didn’t give him the chance to explain anything and told him in clear terms that I don’t ever want to see him. Even when some of his friends came to beg and explain that I should give him a chance to explain what really happened, I ignored them all. My parents also tried to speak on his behalf, but backed off when I made my stance very obvious.

I honestly thought I was rid of him until I discovered that I am about five months pregnant. The shock isn’t the pregnancy, but the way my body concealed the knowledge from me. Like I said, we have gone our separate ways and I am carrying his baby inside of me. How do I convince him that the child is his? How do I present the case to him and his family after telling him I am through with him? Will he believe me? Will he ever accept the child as his own? How do I bring a child whose birth would be clothed in controversy into the world? How do I explain the whole matter to my parents or his for that matter? Would he believe I didn’t know about the pregnancy until now? At 32, who would believe I didn’t know I was pregnant till now?

The few friends I told are divided in opinion. While some think abortion is still possible at this stage of the pregnancy, some think I should go ahead and have the baby on my own, since I have a good job without telling the father. Yet others think I owe myself and baby the responsibility of informing the father. And that even if he denies, at least, he would be aware of the existence of the baby.

I am in a very tight corner. Please help me. I love to have a baby, but not in this controversial manner. A doctor I contacted said it was too risky to abort the child at this stage. He also explained that some women don’t experience the usual signs and agrees it is inexplicable. I am so confused because even if he accepts I don’t want to marry him again. There is no way I can marry a man I don’t trust. And I don’t want to be a single mother either.

Iremide.

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Dear Iremide,

I don’t subscribe to you aborting the baby whatever the situation. A child is a gift from God and only He has the right to touch a life. He takes and gives as He pleases. It isn’t in your place to do that. The fact that He didn’t allow you the pleasure of experiencing the natural signs a woman notices when she gets pregnant shows that this child is meant to be.

What this means is that this child is very determined to come and any attempt by you to terminate its life could result in your death too. So, be careful. At any rate, have you bothered to consider God’s reason for making all these happen? Naturally, when a woman takes in, her flow is expected to stop even if she is one of those lucky women who don’t experience nausea, spitting and discomfort associated with the early days of pregnancy. That none of these happened shows the benevolent hands of God at work.

Rather than worry at what this man would say, why not begin by thanking God for this special gift? I know and understand all the different shades of feelings you are going through as well as the attendant confusions, but going first to God would help you put things in their proper perspectives.

First, you have to accept the reality of the baby growing inside of you. That is not negotiable. You must have the calmness of mind to accept that no matter what happens between the father and you, this baby has come to stay and for a while may be your sole responsibility.

Once you have the grace to accept the baby as part of you, the attendant strength to face the hostility, condemnation as well as all the other negative attitudes from people around you would come from nowhere. This will help you know what advice to take and those to ignore. For instance, you will learn to shut out from your life those friends asking you to terminate this pregnancy. This is particularly necessary, because you caught your man with one of these so-called friends. Only the spirit of God can tell you the truth at all times.

Those urging you to abort a five months old pregnancy don’t mean well for you. A lot can go wrong even if you entrust your life to the best doctor in the world. What would be your story if you end up having damaged womb? Would say you lost your womb due to fears of raising a child alone? Would any of these friends give you any of their children to call your own? At 32, are you not old enough to be a mother or make your decision? Besides, have you stopped to consider the viability of your biological clock? What about the spiritual angle, the destiny of the individual? What if God reveals to you that child is meant to be your only child in life? Would you still be ashamed to care for it or make excuses for your reason to get rid of it?

If you have never given him cause to suspect you, lied to him, he would believe you. Only a man who doesn’t trust his woman or running away from responsibility would deny a woman he has slept with. Don’t judge or condemn him even before giving him a chance to defend his honour as a man. Yes, he may appear irresponsible to you on account of his behaviour, but when it comes to the issue of knowing that he is about to be a father, don’t deny him his rights. Your body may be incubating the child, but he is the father. Hence he has the right to know because you didn’t make the baby alone.

Even if he doubts the paternity of the baby, modern medicine has made such thing so simple. A DNA could be conducted on the foetus to determine the paternity or on the baby after birth.

Telling him doesn’t mean you have to go back to him if you don’t want to, but it would give both of you the chance to discuss the well being of this child God has graciously given to the two of you.

Overtime, it would also give you two the chance to re-assess your relationship. This child could be God’s way of forcing you to listen to the wise counsel of all those who tried to talk you out of your decision. There is no way you both won’t talk about the past if both of you plan to play prominent roles in the life of this child.

Until you listen to him, you won’t know how your friend ended up in the position you caught both of them. Have you ever tried considering the fact that your friend out of jealousy may have planned everything to ensure you broke up with him?

You will never know the true nature of some of your friends or motive of their friendship unless you hear this man out. Listening doesn’t mean you should forgive him, but knowing what actually transpired that day would go a long way in helping you understand a lot of things happening around you.

Whatever happens between the two of you, the interest of the child should always come first, because at the end of the day that is what would count the most.

Good luck.

I Find Good Girl At Last, But Far Distance

Dear Agatha,

My relationship with members of the opposite sex hasn’t been very smooth, hence my need of your help.

I have had the fortune of meeting women who end up hurting me. There was one, whom I gave my whole heart and wealth. Despite my commitment to her, she left me to marry another man.

After she left me, I went into another relationship only for her to be putting unnecessary pressures on me. She kept asking when I would come and see her people to start marriage process proper. I told her it would take a while due to the situation of things. She got angry and left me. That was how that relationship ended. We were sleeping together without any form of protection due to the confidence we have in each other.

Recently, I fell in love with a girl who loves me as much as I do her, but the challenge we are facing has to do with our locations. She stays in Aba while I work in Lagos. She is complaining about the distance and the loneliness, but there is no way I can leave my job to be with her.

The question now is what do I do?

Samuel.

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Dear Samuel,

It is natural for her to complain, but then she must be made to understand this early to value the essence of you working as well as your lack of control over where your employer posts you.

Often than not, it has to do with the issue of trust. Being away from each other, you both risk the danger of capitulating to other relationships, especially you as a man. This is her fear. Every woman wants to be near her man both for company and to ensure security of her position. Underneath her complains are fears of someone else taking her position in your life.

She needs assurances that your love for her is solid and would not be replaced by another woman. Explaining to her what makes her unique would go a long way in assuring her of the truthfulness of your words as well as the depth of your feelings for her. In addition, always make out time every day to talk to her. Both of you may be separated by distance, but talking on the phone regularly guarantees the excitement of the relationship. Even if both of you are together and fail to explore the art of effective communication, the relationship will still suffer. One of the advantages of distant communication is that it teaches the couple to talk openly about almost anything and everything. This is one thing both of you can grow to your advantage. Whether you are both together or not, being able to communicate dispels a lot of suspicions as well as gloom that comes from two people who love each other passionately staying apart.

Also encourage her to come for visits when she feels like. Don’t attempt to restrict her desire t o see you whenever she feels like. Giving her a date to come and when not to come could create suspicions in her heart. At all times, she must be able to come and go when she feels like. This will give her a measure of security that there is no one else in your life, and as well enable her to give you her trust to function in peace.

You have to give her enough room to trust you by going out of your way to be transparent to her even, though she lives far from you. If she knows she can call you at anytime of the day and you would pick the phone, even during official hours to at least explain to her why you can attend to her immediately as well as anytime of the night, she will have the confidence to give you her trust as well as the patience to make the relationship work.

On your part too, you must also take time out to visit her unannounced, because you also need the assurances that you can also trust her to remain above board.

Relationship is about mutual trust and confidence to move ahead.

Let her know ahead of days you would be very busy just in case you are unable to attend to her calls the way you should. Giving her a rough idea of what your daily schedule would look like will keep her informed about your movements, temperament, attitude, availability as well as unavailability at any particular time.

You could work your annual leave to conform with her holiday period if a student or with hers if she is a worker.

Furthermore, you both must have an idea of how you would progress and this must include a possible date of when you both plan to be together in the same place. This is important if the relationship is to progress beyond this stage. There is no way you can keep your living apart indefinite if you intend taking this relationship further than this. There must be an expiry date to this arrangement, because while true loyalty stabilises a relationship, the heart is the bridge that binds it. If the heart grows suspicious it becomes difficult to curtail.

Always ask for the grace of God to do what is right.

Good luck.

Jilted Man’s Love For Ex Still Strong

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for the solutions you keep proffering to the many problems people bring to you. I am a regular reader of your column. In fact, it is what influenced my choice of the titles of Independent Newspapers.

I have a friend who was involved in oath taking with his former girlfriend. It all happens that they have been in a relationship for quite sometimes and anytime you see one of them, it means the other one is right behind. Along the line, the lady now decided they take an oath to keep them together irrespective of what comes their way.

Subsequently they both took an oath, but she later left him to marry another man in a traditional way. After the birth of her first child, she and the man went their different ways and the child was taken to the lady’s mother, but later died.

At present, she and her husband live separately. My friend still feels for her and has asked for my advice. Please what do I tell him on this particular issue?

The lady too has been unable to have a settled relationship since then.

Expected Friend.

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Dear Expected Friend,

Advise them to go for deliverance, if they hope to be free of the covenant they entered into with each other.

Any oath that involves blood exchange is considered very serious. To God, blood is life. To have exchanged blood means the oath goes beyond the ordinary. It becomes a spiritual bond, which only the power of God as represented by the blood of Jesus Christ can neutralise. Hence the essence of going for deliverance in a church is to ask God to direct them.

It is important they seek the face of God in this because churches these days come with different agenda and callings. While some are absolutely deliverance ministries, some focus more on salvation; others on praise worship, while others are merely after miracles. If you go to one founded on miracles, the deliverance may not be complete. Deliverance isn’t something every pastor is anointed to carry out.

Bringing in the presence of God will also save them from fakes who could capitalise on this to make unnecessary demands on them.

If they don’t do it, they would continue to have problems in their other relationship because, spiritually they have a bond, which makes it difficult for anybody outside the two of them to have a normal life. This is why the woman couldn’t function in the life of another man and until she goes through a comprehensive deliverance.

The issue of your friend still carrying a touch for her in his heart doesn’t arise. She is married even though she and the man are separated. As a good friend and one interested in her happiness, what you should do is to encourage her to go back to her husband. Go to the husband if he lives very close to both of you, to try to see if there is a possibility of the two of them coming together. Chances are that the issue with them is spiritual and once she undergoes a deliverance programme, she would have the peace of mind to live with her husband.

Explaining to her husband what the possible problem is with her as well as their marriage could resolve the disagreement between them. If for nothing, it would help him appreciate the issues at stake as well as inform him on what sort of help and understanding to offer her.

As for your friend, let him move forward with his life. This woman doesn’t love him as much as he thinks. If she did, she wouldn’t have married the man she got married to. That she left him to marry another man despite the covenant between them shows that she doesn’t love him as much as he thinks.

Life is a gamble and most times things do not always turn out the way we planned them. Life goes up and down and whatever God has ordained will never cease to happen. Your friend and his former girlfriend didn’t wait for the direction of God at all. They wanted things to happen the way they wanted without putting the will of God into it. By taking the oath to stay together, they wanted to enforce what God didn’t plan for them hence the problems they are both facing.

Asking God for forgiveness as well as an effective deliverance will ease whatever emotional problems is coming from this woman breaking the oath they both took. He also has to learn to let go of the memories of the two of them. Whatever happened between them should remain in the past because that is the only way the future can have meaning to him. When we refuse to leave the past, it has a way of impeding our progress, preventing us from X-raying the future and giving it the needed attention to make us move beyond the point the past has left us.

His inability to let go of the memories of his relationship with this lady, even after she got married to someone else is one the reasons he is having problems in his own life. You cannot hold on to a dream about one person and expect to see anything good in another person. This lady has to vacate his life for another woman to find space and peace in his heart to exist.

Even if he goes through deliverance and still refuses to let go of her memories in his heart, he would still continue to have problems.

Tell both of them to have faith in God because that is the main key to a successful deliverance.

Good luck.

I Want My Mother-in-law To Leave

Dear Agatha,

Before I say anything I want to appreciate your commitment to your God given assignment. Having read other columns like yours, I make bold to say yours is way above because of the seriousness as well as honesty you bring to bear on issues. God is really using you and I pray He will also solve your own problems too.

Please help me recover my home. How do I make my mother-in-law leave, wean my husband from her apron strings and keep his family at bay?

For the six years I have been married, I haven’t enjoyed any moment of peace in my home. If my mother-in-law isn’t breathing down my neck, it is one of my husband’s siblings asking for something. Whenever I complain, he says it is because I don’t like his family coming close to him.

The recent incident that is making me share my story with you and the public has to do with the issue of his determination to send their last born to a private university. Although the lady has since resumed at the Covenant University, the dust generated by this decision of his is threatening to the peace of our home. This is because I also have to send my younger brother to school and need the money to pay his school fees at a private university I also wish him to attend.

My salary can’t afford the fees and he is refusing helping me to pick the bills whereas, he would gladly do it if the request coming from his own side of the family. He said he would pay the fees being demanded by the University of Lagos and that if I move him out of the place to a private university, he won’t pay. He is our only boy and I want the best for him.

Because of this issue, he has stopped coming home early saying I am nagging him. Weekends he takes off with the children leaving me on my own. He seems to be avoiding my company all because I insist he pays my brother’s fees. Is it right? If I have tolerated him wasting funds on his family, coped with his mother’s constant present, her harassment and criticism, why is it difficult for him too to make me happy by doing this for me? Don’t I have the right to make demands on him? Are my people too not entitled to his income? I am really hurt and it is all beginning to affect my marriage. I now see him as being wicked, uncaring and insensitive to the things that are important to me.

I honestly feel like ending it all. Please help me Agatha because I am fed up.

Hurting Wife.

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Dear Hurting Wife,

Be careful you don’t import a foreign problem into your marriage. What would be your excuse for ending your marriage? That he is caring for his family, repaying a debt he owes his mother who from the day she conceived him to the day you married him, was there by his side or because he offered to pay for your brother’s university education in a Federal Government-owned university, instead of the private university, you want him to go on account of your husband sending his sibling to a private one?

You are allowing the jealousy of your husband’s close relationship with his family prejudice your handling of this matter.

In the first place, he hasn’t said he won’t help your family just that he cannot afford to send him to a private university. As a good wife, you should first of all appreciate this gesture on his part because in all sincerity, it isn’t part of his responsibility to train your brother. That he is offering to, underscores his love and respect for you, so say thank you first for this offer.

We get the best out of people when we learn to appreciate the little things they do for us first. Telling him thank you could make him change his mind about his decision but insisting he does the same thing he is doing for his family for yours isn’t right in the sense that this family made him the finished product you love and are living with today. If his mother didn’t train him, care for him, provide him with all the support base for the realisation of his dreams, would you have gone out with him or married him for that matter?

Whatever he is today comes from that woman you now think has no right to his money and time. Those siblings you think don’t deserve his attention taught him how to care and be responsible. Without them to help him learn how to relate with other people, take into consideration their emotions, perhaps he wouldn’t be so perfect for you. Whatever the flaws you see in him are the very things that made him so special to you and ideal enough for you to marry. Learn to appreciate this very important thing if you hope to be happy and enjoy peace in this marriage.

Don’t forget you are also a woman, a mother who would one day become a mother-in-law. How would you feel if your daughter-in-law in later years prevents her husband from helping the same people he grew up with? Stop you from visiting your son and making demands on his money and time on account of her being his wife? In this woman’s shoes how would you feel? Happy that you are no longer welcomed in the house of the man you gave life to, made sacrifices for, endured long hours of anxiety when sick or depressed? Don’t forget this woman could have stopped you from coming into her family if she wanted to. She didn’t because she felt you could make her son happy. If you are accusing her of putting unnecessary pressure on her son to do her bidding what would you call what you are doing, putting pressure on him to pay your brother’s tuition?

If you are really desirous of your sibling attending a private university, why not make up the difference since he has offered to pay the fees in his current university? Why would you want your brother to attend a school you cannot afford to pay for? Being your brother and your desire for him to have what you think is the best, collect whatever your husband is offering and balance it for the sake of peace in your home. If you play your cards well by being grateful and full of respect for him, he might decide to pay the fees in full not because he has the money but to reciprocate your respect and appreciation of his person. It isn’t just you but your brother too has to learn to show appreciation to avoid taking liberty for granted. This may be difficult for him to do if you as his sister fails to package your husband to earn the respect of your family. If you persist in disrobing your husband on account of his refusal to send your brother to a private university in the presence of your family, it may not augur well for you in the long run because they would use the same words you used against him to drag you in the mud too.

Be careful you don’t use your own hands to destroy your home. You have a good husband. Many men would rather call your bluff. Offering to pay the fees means he is meeting all the other obligations to you and the children.

On the contrary, you are the one being insensitive, wicked to yourself and family and completely unreasonable. You have a right to his time and money but your family doesn’t. If he is doing it, it is because he loves you and has come to accept your family as being part of the package. If he were to tow your line of argument, your family should be kept outside the marriage just as you want him to keep his family out of your home. Marriage is endurance, sacrifices, support, tolerance and plenty of trust in God. Your husband has made an important concession, in your interest you must learn to see his family as part of the package of being married to this man. If you fail to accept his people as yours, don’t nag or blame anybody when he also begins to demand your family stays out of his house. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Whatever the issues are with your marriage, invite the presence of God into it through prayers and not nagging.

Good luck.

My Son Threatens To Sell Our House…

Dear Agatha,

Please help me resolve the crisis brewing among my children. I have four children, two boys and two girls. Since the death of my husband, I have tried my possible best to be a good mother to them all.

I honestly thought I had succeeded until this recent development among them. Recently, my second son, a replica of my late husband took certain money from my wardrobe. When I discovered the money was missing, I thought it was my eldest son and didn’t hesitate to accuse him of stealing my money. I know both of them are in the habit of pilfering, but this amount was too much for me to endure. It was the first time they would take as much as N10, 000 from my room. Besides, the money wasn’t mine. It belonged to someone in the office, and since I didn’t have money from anywhere to replace it immediately, I cried out.

I had already called the attention of my younger brother, whom I call frequently to effect discipline when they become too difficult for me to handle, upon the discovery that my second son actually took the money. By the time my brother came the whole matter had become too messy, as my other children had taken a stand against my second son and me. They didn’t stop at accusing me of favouring him more than the rest, but also think I am the cause of their bad behaviour, a position my brother agreed to.

The issue is so bad now that my eldest son took away the DVD machine at home to sell. And when I asked him, he said since I didn’t do anything to my second son when he took my money, he being the eldest reserved the right to do what he liked. He has threatened to dispose of the house we reside, the only thing their father left behind for them.

Please help me resolve this crisis among my children by telling me what to do. I have asked my eldest son to return the DVD machine he sold but he is adamant. Don’t know what to do to him.

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

If your children are divided against themselves, it is because you didn’t do your job as a good mother. If your eldest son is selling off the property, it is because you licensed one of your sons to steal on account of him taking after your late husband in looks.

The sad truth is, if you don’t begin to play a fair game with all your children, not only would you be the doom of your sons but the girls too, who from the examples of their brothers either take to stealing or do other things to scandalise you the more.

To prevent the surprise of you coming home to meet the house already in the hands of its new owners, remove every document that has to do with the house to a place of safety. Your eldest son may not intend selling it, but could do so out of a sense of hurt as well as perceived injustice actually carry out his threat. Again, he may not be serious about selling the house, whereas your second son who seems able to get away with anything where you are concerned could wake one day and decide that the money he steals from you isn’t enough and that selling the house would be the only way he can raise the kind of money he needs. It is always best to err on the side of caution than to be caught on the wrong side napping.

Candidly, you need to apologise to your children because you wronged them as well as pushed them into situations they ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed their minds. There is no substitute to fairness in everything we do. Being fair means allowing the will of God to prevail at all times.

Much as I disapprove of what your eldest son did, why should he return the DVD machine when you are silent on the crime of stealing N10,000 by your second son took? What makes your second more of a son to you than your first? There is no way he would return that machine until you learn to be fair to all of them. Seeing that you are willing to condone and conceal murder as long as your second son is happy and protected while you demand for justice when it concerns the rest would prevent the return of your DVD machine.

If I were you, I won’t press too hard, rather would look for ways of ensuring that it never occurs again by disciplining the second son severely for his audacity to go into my room to take money not meant for him. It is the only way you can buy back your integrity as a mother and the head of the home. Since you lack the strength to apply sanctions, call in your brother to do it for you. The punishment should be such that the others would see that actually justice being done and also the process of your second’s recovery programme. The danger of allowing things to continue this way is the possibility of him joining up with other criminally minded persons in the society. By then, it won’t just be your brother and children witnessing your shame, but the whole society who would question your sense of judgement as a mother.

Yes, he is like your husband, but the question you should ask is, would he be happy at the way you are bringing up this child? Would he support you turning his child into an armed robber? That you discipline a child doesn’t mean you hate a child. The Bible is very explicit on discipline. Nobody is saying you should not pamper a child, but when it becomes unreasonable you expose the child to man’s natural vile. When this child becomes too large for you to manage, it won’t be because you love him too much but that you are an irresponsible and very careless mother.

For this reason, you must do everything to beat him back into shape. Show him that he can’t always have everything in life. That life is about choices of what you want and what you need. He may want the whole world, but does he need the things he is asking for, stealing your money to buy? Because you have allowed him to escape with the idea that he can always get what he wants, he won’t stop at stealing your things, but also those of other people around too when he doesn’t get anything to take in the house.

Asking your children for forgiveness would first of all douse the tension generated by your levity in handling the matter. At the meeting, be humble enough to admit your mistake as well as discuss how you intend moving the family forward.

If you are honest and your other children see you are serious about changing the situation in the house, they would begin to change for the best. And on those days you make mistakes, they will understand that it is part of life and offer you their support to succeed.

As a mother who loves her children, always go to God day and night because parenting isn’t an easy task. There is a fine line between love and indulgence. You need His presence to constantly remind you when to draw the line, to remind you when to laugh and when to frown at them, when to joke and when to scold them. Always commit them into the able hands of God who has the ability to control the excesses of the youths.

Good luck

Re: Pregnant For My Husband’s Friend, Doctor Doubts Abortion

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Thinking Of Leaving Him To Heal My Shattered Heart…

Dear Agatha,

How does one handle a severe heartbreak? I didn’t do anything to my boyfriend, but he suddenly stopped calling and accepting my calls. He won’t even respond to the several text messages I sent him. We live in different states, but his close friends there with him kept calling, urging me to be patient with him, and arguing that it was a phase that will soon fade.

We had discussed the possibility of getting married in January, but as things stand now, I don’t know what to do. To be frank, I don’t understand him, as he appears so complex.

Right now, I feel like ending it all, because I can’t handle my love for him or his attitude towards me. Please help me. I want to end it but something keeps telling me not to.

Heart-broken Girl.

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Dear Heart-broken Girl,

Hearts are meant to be broken and mended when one is matured enough to fall in love. It is an experience both the young, old, strong, weak, rich and poor go through. When our hearts break, there is a lesson God wants us to learn from the whole thing. That we are heart-broken at times doesn’t mean the relationship has come to an end, when it comes in the middle of a relationship, it is meant to help it grow along the right path.

God that knows both of you more than anyone else could be using this period to prepare you especially for the challenges ahead of you in the life of this man. Without experiencing the pains of longing for him as well as missing him, the right attitude to deal with later challenges will not be there, hence may take decisions that would end up being regrettable. Even if this relationship doesn’t work at the end of the day, at least the lessons of it will help you in your next one.

Since something is telling you not to end it, listen to the counsel of his friends who are pleading for patience. With patience comes understanding. You need to understand that he isn’t as perfect as you made him out to be, that as a human being, he could hurt and cause you deep pains like any other person.

The essence of this pain is to expose you to the power of your feelings for this man. It is intended to point you at the real person within which the flaw he is now manifesting. It could be God’s way of asking you how far are you prepared to go as well as your ability to forgive him to enable you perform the job He brought you to do in his life.

Everyman and woman have a defined role God assigned them in the lives of their partners. To help Him achieve His purpose, certain things are allowed to happen to us to get us through the grill.

Suicide is a weak man’s option. From time to time, send him text messages even if he doesn’t reply, declaring your love for him. If you can afford it go and visit him. But if you fear rejection don’t, at least until the picture becomes clearer. He hasn’t said he is ending it, but simply refusing to respond to your calls and text messages. If you end it on your own and he comes back to accuse you of impatience and lack of understanding of his person, he would appear blameless while you would be guilty. So take your time in making up your mind. Every relationship going through crisis is entitled to its day in court as well as period of healing.

While I appreciate that his attitude is very disturbing, and signals a possible change of heart, don’t assume everything you see to be real. If something is telling you not to end it, listen to the voice, it could be God speaking to you directly and offering to help you overcome this stage. Allow His presence to come into your life. Whatever the reason your man has for treating you this way would soon become manifest.

To help yourself through this trying period, learn to take each day as it comes. The day you feel the urge to hear from him, send him a text message at least to remind him you still care. Other days, you can manage it, remove your mind from him and concentrate on what it is you do. Listen to music you like, from experience, it is very therapeutic, read the Bible and learn to talk less to friends who may put pressure on you to do what you don’t want to do. It is always best the final decision of what to do in a relationship comes from the person involved and not as a result of pressures. If the process is permanent, you will forget him, but if meant to qualify the relationship, he would come back to you after a while.

Just keep praying for him too, to overcome whatever temptation confronting him.

Good luck.

My Last Wife Left On Platter Of Ego, Her Substitute Too Shallow…

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate your wisdom so much that I cannot fail to share my most intimate fear with you. I am a 34-year-old man living abroad, but I take out time to read your views often via Internet. I love your practical views on life so much that I feel like sharing my intimacy with you.

I suffered so much pain and agony in my last relationship that I had no other option than filing for divorce and getting on with my bruised life. My ex, our two children and I, joined my in-laws here, and suddenly the relationship turned to servant-master relationship, which I resisted and they decided to deal with me.

Before then, I was having issues with my wife, which ranged from resentment, humiliation and disrespect when I lost my job. I later got a better job, but that was the period the issue of coming abroad came up. It was a tough choice to make between my new job and giving my children the chance of coming abroad to better facilities.

Knowing that they stand better chances of quality education here, and since we were being invited, getting our travelling documents was easy, a chance I may never get again. So I decided to come with them. It was then the bossing around started. My wife and her family told me pointedly that I owed them a lot, because they facilitated my coming abroad. Because of that they dictated what I could do and what I couldn’t. Life became so miserable as I have no friend or relation to talk to.

After five months of staying with her family to be on our own. She steadily became worse as she refused to co-operate with me on anything. At a point I started seeing her with another man and confronted her, she said it was not my business that she has already told me she doesn't feel anything for me any more. She was always irritable, nothing I do, pleased her. She finally left me.

Despite leaving me of her own volition, she initiated court proceedings against me on the grounds of martial abuse and threat to life. She prayed for restriction order and my prosecution all of which the court dismissed and chastised her for lack of respect for her marriage.

It has been a year since we separated and I am thinking of moving on with my life.

There is this nice lady I planned to settle down with when I come back home. To my dismay, I just discovered she is academically dull; I love her so much but don't know how she can cope with the standard of foreign education when she is finding it very difficult to cope in Nigerian. I was hoping to send her to school here until I found out she didn’t pass her degree examinations. Already, I am under pressure here, paying to support for my children. It has also dawned on me that there is a need for economic consideration to be made not just love, as I would certainly need support from the woman who becomes my wife.

What do you think? I am afraid, economic stress may trigger another bad relationship, love or no love. I don’t know how to explain this to her, as she would definitely get hurt.

Your advice and sagely view will be highly appreciated and considered

Anonymous.

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Dear Anonymous,

For how long have you known this woman? How far and deep have your discussions with her gone? What sort of person is she? Would she accept those children as hers? What sort of stepmother would she be to those children who need all the love and attention to grow healthy? What impression of yourself have you given her, and importantly what impression does she have of your staying abroad and the marriage institution generally?

If her impression of you is that of a millionaire, on account of you living abroad, your fears about the economic angle cannot therefore be dismissed. Having made a terrible mistake once, you must be careful not to make a greater mistake to avoid labelling yourself as an impossible man to live with.

Granted, the custody of the children is putting you under pressure to get them a new mother, however there is the need for caution so as not to inflict your children with more emotional trauma than they are already coping with. As a matter of fact you need their consent and support to bring in another woman, because she would not just be your wife but their mother as well. Therefore they have every right to know who this woman who is going to be occupying this important position in all their lives is before she becomes a permanent member of the family. Since this woman you plan to replace their mother with is in Nigeria, it might be a little difficult for you to organize their interactions first. Therefore, begin the sensitization before sending for this woman or any other woman you plan to marry from Nigeria.

Frankly, the interest of your children is more important than any economic consideration, because if you make a mistake with their feelings you may never get another chance to redeem it no matter how rich you become in life.

Must this woman have excellent intelligence before she can make you a good wife? Are you marrying her for the degrees she has or for the quality that would make you forget the mistake of your first marriage? What works for you? By now, you should know that marriage isn’t about the degrees one has, how rich or beautiful physically the person is, rather, it has to do with loyalty and commitment to one’s partner. If you and your former wife found the right ingredients, your marriage would have been able to overcome the hurdles her parents’ attitude and position put the marriage through. That it didn’t shows that certain things we consider important at the end of the day do not count after the relationship has been subjected to challenges of the laundry room.

If you love this woman as you say, why not call her and tell her about your situation, worries and expectations? Also hear what her vision for herself is. While some people are gifted academically, some are born into business. Don’t assume that because she appears to be on the down side of the academic ladder, she lacks the intelligence to make it in other areas of life. Her acumen and doggedness about issues are what should interest and engage your interest. Since you are the one with the knowledge of the place, why not investigate the type of business or job that doesn’t require premium degree to do? What she needs to get by is effective communication since she isn’t a complete illiterate.

It doesn’t have to be over. Sharing your fears with her would point you both at the many alternatives God in His wisdom always provide us with. But because you have been hurt and going through pressures, you can’t see beyond your immediate vicinity. Allowing innovation into your space will definitely open you up to the beauty God has invested in this life for you.

If you are honest with her, chances are that she would give you her best. Take care of those children like hers and the support to ease your financial worries. Many problems come in relationships and marriages when people are not honest, pretend to be who they are not and leave the other person grappling in the dark. If you allow her stay with the impression that life is very rosy for you, there is no way she would consider doing something to help you. Instead she would begin to nag your attitude and selfishness, and at the end of the day resent you for bringing her aboard to suffer.

But once she knows it is a life of struggling she is coming to when she joins you, you give her ample chance to either accept your proposal or reject you from the outset.

Because of your previous mistake, don’t leave God out of this important decision you are about to make. To do that would be to cause more problems for yourself and children. Pray before making any more move.

Good luck.

Masturbation: How Do I Curb The Ugly Act?

Dear Agatha,

May God continue to guard and protect you for the good work you are doing for mankind.

I am 21 years old and have the problem of inability to stop masturbating, a habit I started when I was just nine years of age. My addiction to it has gotten to a stage that I now do it as a form of hobby. What do I do to divorce myself from this act, as it has become a part of me? Please I need your advice urgently. I would also appreciate if you tell me the positive and negative sides of the act.

Please help me get out this mess especially now that I am going to school so that it will not affect me.

Sam.

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Dear Sam,

If it is any assurance, you don’t have patent for this problem. Masturbation is more common an addiction than you think. You would be surprised at the number of men and women who have, at one time or the other, depended on it to get satisfaction.

All these people have their various reasons for taking to the habit. Some do it to avoid getting sexually transmitted diseases (STD), some do it because they were introduced to it by friends or as a means of escaping intimacy with a member of the opposite sex as well as to avoid the sanctions of strict parents who shield their wards from mixing with other children on grounds of contaminating their children with strange habits.

Others do it out of man’s natural curiosity, especially when exposed to materials that have explicit sexual images.

Whatever the individual’s reasons may be, the truth remains that it is one habit nobody can publicly declare for, which means that it is considered abnormal and offensive for anybody to indulge in self-stimulation.

Although, it is considered helpful in some circles by psychologists who say the habit helps couples to improve their sexual drives and satisfaction, a lot moralists still think it is out of place.

If the opinions of the psychologists are anything to go by, a little dose of it is healthy enough in that it offers the individual a personal guide to one’s body, exposing one to the sensual zones, a knowledge that comes very handy in the process of attaining premium sexual satisfaction.

For this purpose, it is recommended but not to make it a permanent habit that would take the place of natural sexual act endorsed by God.

The danger of doing that is that it destroys one’s ability to enjoy intimacy with another person in that the body becomes used to the time structured for it by its constant user. By the time the body meets with another person, its programmed time is what works irrespective of whether the other person is satisfied or not. Masturbation is especially bad for men because a man like you who has depended on it for a long time would find it difficult to satisfy a woman whose body need more time to be ready for the thrills of intimacy.

Despite the fact that sex is an emotional thing, the brain still controls the act, hence once programmed to function in a particular way, it becomes difficult for the brain to ignore the time format allotted to it. Once the man gets to the programmed time for ejaculation, he would automatically do so without the will power to prevent it.

So, for your own good, you must find ways of engaging the mind on more positive things when the urge to fondle yourself comes strong. It is a good thing you realize it is an addiction, one you must get away from to enable you live a normal life. It is a step in the right direction. Addictions are best treated with the help of an understanding and trusted friend or family member. Granted that masturbation is not a thing you want to admit to, but you must find someone you trust to help you out. Since you know the signs that come before the act, being in the company of a friend would help you fight it better, because both of you can do something that will take your mind off the demands of your emotions. For instance, you can both play football, basketball, tennis, or go swimming together. And if it comes in the night, talking about it also helps.

Follow this with a tour of the Bible, getting to know what it says and how you can use the words to your advantage. The mess comes from your mind, so filling it up with the words of God as well as the pains your habit would cause the woman you would end up marrying would help put a cold blanket on your habit.

Finding a lasting solution to any emotional problem is not to set long goals for oneself. The danger of setting long goals is the failure bound to come. Many people never get over these failures and simply give in to the pleasure of the habits they are trying to beat.

By setting unrealistic goals, you allow yourself the room to fail, accommodate it and move on rather than become bitter and frustrated by natural failures.

Good luck.

I Love Him, But He Lacks Good Education

Dear Agatha,

I am so glad at the way you answer people’s questions. May the Lord continue to give you wisdom to do more. I really need your advice.

I am a 30-year-old lady of and in a relationship with a guy that is 32 years old. This guy, who loves me so much, is responsible, caring, God-fearing and has every quality I love in a man. He has proposed to me but I am yet to accept because he isn’t a graduate despite sitting for the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination (JAMB) four times without success. He got discouraged and refused to try again. Instead he enrolled for a five- year course in an engineering school. Today, he is cart engineer in a construction company.

I am not comfortable with his lack of sound education. This is making it difficult for me to love him the way he does to me.

His parents are aware of our relationship as well as his intention to marry me. They really love me.

So please advice me on what to do because, I don’t want to lose him.

Osho.

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Dear Osho,

What do you want? On one hand you say you don’t love him as much he loves you due to what you feel is a disability on his part while on the other hand you don’t want to lose him? Would losing him be that painful going by your comment that you don’t love him as much as he does you? Would you be better of if he left you to look for a man who has superior qualification to make you a proud woman?

You must make up your mind on what you want. Relationship is something very personal. I can tell you what to do but the final choice is still yours to make.

And truthfully, there is no way you can give this man the best of yourself if you think his lack of university education is major disadvantage with you. You will only end up giving this man undue headaches as well as embarrass yourself in the process. The embarrassment would come from your inability to market your partner the way you should because you would constantly be under pressure of what people would say should they find out that he isn’t well read.

You can only be proud of what you take pride in. If you lack the guts to take wholesome pride in the person of this man as well as his achievement as a man without feeling he is half of the man you expect him to be on account of what you think is inferior education; the best thing would be for you to quit. Relationship is about loyalty to the person you are with. You clearly don’t have it at all being so bothered about what should in the first place be counted as important.

From the first moment you agreed to his offer for relationship, this matter should have been dealt with. To have allowed it to linger to the point he asked you to marry him, met his parents shows that foundation is defective on your part as well as the fact that you aren’t very honest with him. Your knowledge about his educational status shows he didn’t hide anything from you, that he gave you the chance to accept or reject him. Staying meant you accepted, which is why he took you to his parents. Therefore to bring up the matter up now is wrong, shows that you never had a commitment to him but only agreed to his offer due to lack of another offer for relationship.

To avoid you hurting people who really love you and yourself in the process, tell this man the truth about your feelings for him.

It is unfortunate that you are playing up his educational qualification when you should be bothered about the more wortwhile qualities that make relationship and marriage work. His lack premium education is only part of what he is but who is this man who in spite of what you consider his disadvantage still has the power to keep you in a relationship with him?

Have you bothered to find out what makes him very different from all the other men you have met so far? You can never appreciate anybody if all you do is focus on the negative points of that person. True love comes from looking beyond the mask to the person wearing it. This is what brings about tolerance, understanding, loyalty, pride, selflessness, patience, care, friendship, sacrifices as well as trust in God to provide all the other things that are missing in the relationship.

Forget about his paper qualification and help yourself focus on personality; the one you will live and sleep with for the rest of your life. The qualities that will grow your relationship, bring about a transformation in your life by giving it a character.

Certificates are not what make an ideal partner; rather it is who we are that makes the difference in life. If this man cares for you, is responsible and has respect for you, his heart is compassionate, sensitive to your needs as well as moods, is honest and caring, he qualifies more than the man who has the best paper qualifications in the world but has a very cold heart that treats you as part of his furniture.

This is what you must make priority in your relationship with this man and not something that cannot sustain a relationship. In your time with him, how well or badly has he treated you? Is he dependable, someone you can laugh with and at? Someone you can confide in, who has your interest at heart and would never deliberately set out to hurt you.

To help you understand your feeling for him better, take time away from him to do some thorough thinking. You need time to subject your feelings for him to analysis, extract the essence and distill it for your consumption. To get a positive result, be very honest and prayerful. Give God the chance to do things according to His ways and not yours.

Good luck.

Place Of Man, Woman In Marriage (2)

The first part of this series appeared last week.

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A lot of time the mistake comes from the inability of a couple to isolate a problem and deal with it as it arises. Often times, an issue that should have been treated and deleted is left to linger until it becomes monstrous and consuming.

One of the cardinal rules about marriage is never to let an issue that is causing problems linger on for long. The danger of doing so cannot be overemphasised. The human mind has a way of storing up unresolved sentiments till it becomes a major thing that gives little or no room for reason to prevail.

Since couples come from different backgrounds, ideals, attitudes, characters and sometimes opinions on how to handle a particular issue, couples should at all times strive for thorough understanding of their backgrounds before attempting to resolve an issue of sharp difference. This is to avoid complicating what should ordinarily be a simple matter of saying sorry.

This must start not after the wedding but before it. As a matter of fact, the process of infusing understanding into a relationship must begin from the very wee hours of a couple’s meeting. It is necessary because without a sound understanding of the things that make each member of the partnership different, as the days go by, it would become increasingly difficult for both parties to operate a fair and balanced relationship, one devoid of suspicions of the motive of the other person.

Of all the ingredients needed to make marriage work, understanding remains the most important. A couple could be very much in love but if the concomitant commitment to fully understand the nature of the other person is missing, overtime the relationship begins to drag as a result of unnecessary and unresolved issues that are left to spill over.

Knowing the nature of one’s partner makes it easy to manage whatever the journey of marriage throws at a couple. It makes it easy for forgiveness to be offered and accepted without grudge, sacrifices to be made without feeling cheated, tolerance to be cultivated, support easier to give, pains and disappointment easier to manage and true friendship to develop.

When a couple understands each other, things that bring about tension in marriages would not be so important. It would be easier for the woman to accept that her in-laws are an integral part of her husband and would not pick quarrel when issues of differences come. This is because it would be easier for her to recognise the same traits she finds offensive in her in-laws in her husband, understand and make the necessary adjustments she has learnt to make in the case of her husband.

This is something love without understanding cannot achieve. But when we understand that the nature of man is imperfect and that those differences we complain in others simply mirror the imperfection in ourselves as well as those we love dearly, we would learn to complain less about the same weaknesses in those around us.

Understanding makes it easier for couples to appreciate the sacrifices the other person is making to accommodate his or her excesses.

Like all the other good things of life, it is something a couple must work towards achieving right from the nascent days of the relationship. Unlike attraction, which happens on its own, understanding is that aspect of a relationship that demands working towards. It is the shell or bone that gives the animal its frame. It is why some relationships can withstand anything thrown at them while others simply collapse like a pack of cards.

So how does a couple go about achieving the perfect understanding?

My usual response to this question whenever I get asked is for the couple to be clear from the beginning about their focus in life as well as their expectations. Mothers, especially, should from the early years of their daughters’ lives begin to give them the lectures that will help them make the right choice of a man. Yes, money is important to the survival of any marriage but not as important as having the right kind of man to share the journey of life with.

When a girl bases her choice of a life partner on money, materialism, connection and outward appearances, the chances of a relationship based on these choices standing the text of time becomes doubtful because when on realises these are things that can disappear just as they appear. For instance, life has taught experienced minds that money, material possessions and connections are transient visitors that come and go when they like. And any relationship courted on the strength of the man or woman’s physical appearance hardly lasts more than the first few years because age will always come to demand of its ransom of our bodies and features. Unless one is prepared to go under the knife from time to time to keep the effects of age at bay, infidelity is what terminates such a relationship.

Unless modern mothers go back to the ways of our grandmothers to teach their daughters and sons that there is still no substitute for character, which breeds inner beauty; loan them the benefit of their experience to seek for the person behind the mask, the marriage institution may never be able to reclaim its lost glory.

This is because many young men and women are entering into the institution ill prepared for the challenges ahead. While young women think good sex is all they need to keep marriage going, men think once they have the right car, enough money to throw around they can have any woman for keeps. By the time they realise that it takes a lot more for a couple to keep the engine wheel of marriage well lubricated it is too late for them to make the necessary adjustment needed to salvage the situation.

Young couples must have the benefit of learning from their own parents that marriage isn’t a bed of roses as they seem to think; that behind the issues of desire to satisfy one of God’s requirements for us are struggles and hard choices.

When youths are made to appreciate that the beautiful pattern they see in marriages are products of painful sacrifices as well as acting stupid most times for the sake of peace. And that these come from a deep understanding that God never promised us a problem-free world but only His grace to see us through issues He knows would always come up when two strangers come to live together, the quality of reasoning that would go into the choice of a life partner would be a lot deeper than what we have now.

The time has come for parents, society, the church and every well-meaning adult to stop playing the orchids and come out boldly to discuss the issue of relationship and marriage in details.

The world has gone beyond issuing decrees to children on what they must not do and when they must marry. They should be armed with information; the internet and their friends cannot give them on why certain things change immediately between a woman and man during marriage. They must be prepared for the bitterness as well as the sweetness of marriage to protect the only institution that has survived the beginning of mankind.

Parents must learn when to let go and give the couples time to bond, make their mistakes and form a workable pattern for their marriage. When mothers prepare their children before marriage, they won’t have to cope with the insults of their daughters-in-law as their sons would have been well prepared for the journey of their lives.

Clerics too should begin to take interest in relationships and marriages more than they currently do. All the taboos they have placed on subjects of relationships must be done away with if we are all serious about helping the youths make the right choice. We must move away from rigidity to liberalism in our attitude to the subject to draw the confidence of the youths to confide in us their fears, anxieties, ignorance and all the other things they want to discuss with us.

As adults no matter what we feel about certain things about their lifestyles, we must always be available to give them the benefit of our experiences to protect this institution from losing relevance going by the way the consequences of wrong choices are destroying it. They must be taught to recognise the differences between, love, lust, likeness and flirtatious feelings. Having taken the road before them, we are in the best position to help them whether they like it or not.

Good luck.

His Deformity Opens My Love With His Doctor

Dear Agatha,

Four years ago I met and fell in love with this man who became everything to me. Not only was he one of the most handsome men I have ever met in my life but also one with the most beautiful heart as well.

Despite his status and upbringing, he didn’t mind my humble one and went out of his way to ensure he gave me everything to be relevant in his life. He took over the payment of my fees and maintenance, got me a car and a driver.

He didn’t stop there, he also ensured that my parents were relocated and my father was given a good job to enable him play his role as the head of the home.

Unfortunately something terrible happened on his way to Ondo State for his best friend’s wedding. He had an accident that not only disfigured his face, thought that has been taken care of through constructive surgery but also affected his left leg. He now limps.

All these happened last year. While he was in coma, I was by his side and even followed on his abroad trip when his parents decided to fly him out of the country. He insisted he wanted me by his side. I was there too when the doctors say he would be unable to recover and use of his leg. I was there to hold his hands and wipe away the tears.

Honestly, I would have gladly spent the rest of my life. But now, I have fallen in love with someone else, the doctor in charge of him when he was in coma.

I don’t know how it happened, but I am hopelessly in love with him. He has the right looks and has promised to take me abroad, to escape the repercussion of leaving my current boyfriend.

When I told my parents about this new man, my father not only threatened to disown me if I leave him, but has also said he would terminate his marriage to my mother who doesn’t see anything wrong in me falling in love with this doctor. My siblings too are on the side of my father. Except for my mother, none of my siblings or friends is talking to me any more. They all think I am leaving him because of his deformity, but have all refused to listen to me that I am really in love with this doctor.

I don’t know what to do. I am so confused. Meanwhile, the parents of my former boyfriend have requested from my father a date for our ‘introduction.’ Knowing my father, he would give them a date. I don’t want to be around for the introduction but don’t want my parents home to break up as a result of me.

Please tell me how to tell my former boyfriend that it is over and how to make my father see reasons with me that I didn’t plan to fall in love with the doctor. My mother says I should simply ignore my father and my former boyfriend. And that once I travel she too can come over to be with me.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

I am very surprised that your mother is supporting you in all these when she should be in the vanguard of those discouraging you from making the worst kind of mistake in your life. The journey you are about to embark on is one with serious spiritual consequences, the kind that would forever haunt you and give you no rest whatsoever in life.

While you can run away from the physical consequences, you cannot run away from the spiritual one. Granted, you didn’t plan to fall in love with this doctor but what about your responsibilities to the first man who took you from nothing to something? What do those years you were together mean to you? What happened to the love you professed to have for him? What is your concept of love? If you were in his shoes how would you feel if he comes to tell you at this critical time in his life that he has found someone else to love? Would you have left him if he didn’t have the physical challenge he now has? How would your mother feel if he were the one leaving you with a physical challenge? How would she feel if this man were her son and you the woman about to break his heart and destroy whatever confidence he has left of himself as a man?

If your siblings and friends are all against you, it is because they know you so well, enough to know that your reason for leaving him has to do with the physical challenge he now has. Even if true that you are in love with this doctor, the fact remains that given what this man has done for you, leaving him at this point in time for someone else isn’t right. This is the time he needs you the most when you have to fall back to the friendship of being together to help your relationship to grow. This is the time to pay him back with the sacrifice of your heart all the care and love he gave to you and your family.

Where is the heart you claimed to have given this man before the accident? The truth is you never loved this man but only followed him because of his looks and money. Now that the look has been deformed, you don’t want to have anything to do with him forgetting that what happened to him could happen to anyone, including the doctor now in charge of your heart. Life isn’t predictable at all. Today you may have all the aces while tomorrow things can change to favour the person you think is down today.

Remember this man hasn’t done anything but to love you with his heart, time and resources. Insisting you went with him abroad shows how much he loves you. It couldn’t have been easy for him to convince his family to accept you from the beginning; someone in his family must have warned him against gold diggers. To have gotten them to support you must have taken a great deal of sacrifices on his part. It takes a rare man to do that for a woman he isn’t married to.

Leaving him now would only serve to justify so many things he didn’t tell you about his personal struggles with his family on account of his love for you.

While you have the right to make your final decision, pause to think of the past, the unconditional love he gave to you, the doors of opportunity his relationship with you opened for you; your meeting the doctor is an example of such an opportunity. It is alright for the doctor to promise to take you abroad to escape the repercussion of leaving this other man. If you know what you are doing is right, why would you want to travel as far as London?

In your interest it would, listen to what your father and siblings are saying because it isn’t all that glitter that is gold. The wrong things are those we hunger after the most. Of these two men, who do you think would willingly give up his life for you; give to you unconditionally? Who sees the beauty inside of you and not what you look like on the inside?

Your problem mainly is the value you are playing up, that of worshiping physical beauty. The moment you know that physical looks fall under the category of perishables, those things that lose value as each day breaks, you will know how to choose carefully.

Don’t make the mistake a lot of women before you have made to their shame and regret. The grass is never greener at the other side as a matter of fact. Often time it isn’t as green as the one on your side. This guy has shown you more than words can say he loves you. Yes, you may not love him as much as he does now but given time, when you allow yourself come to see more of the beautiful heart you know he has, you will be the better for it. Listen to the old wisdom in your father’s position, as your mother is full of destructive thorns. She would be your ruin because she is only concerned about what she would gain from your relationships, not your happiness. You are considering this other man only because your mother is supporting you and not because you are really in love as you seem to think. Believe me, not all women qualify to be called mothers.

When issues like this come, the best place remains the feet of God. Please go to Him for wisdom and strength to do what is right to avoid tears and regrets later in life.

Good luck.

Can Man Ever Run His Parlour Without Hassle?

Dear Agatha,

The prayers for all your efforts cannot be quantified. Not only by the efforts you have been put into resolving our problems, but also the passion, zeal, and maturity displayed.

Agatha, could you please educate me on how best a man can govern his home, especially in the face of the global advantage of love transcending beyond the boundaries of the nations?

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

The best way for a man to govern his home is to be very honest to himself. Once he is honest, refusing to do more than he can afford, involving his wife in his affairs and letting her know how things are with him, it would be a lot easier for the man to manage his home.

Many a time problems come with men try to hide so many things from their wives due to lack of trust or belief, thinking that once the woman knows how much he loves her or the amount of money he is worth, she would begin to misbehave.

While not totally untrue is some cases, but a misconception that is ruining so many homes as wives become increasingly suspicious of their men, refuse to accept that the man is telling the truth even when all the indices point to his innocence.

The man saves himself a lot of problems by telling the woman of his mind everything she needs to know about him. This gesture enables the woman to offer her unreserved support as well as the necessary understanding to organize her home. When a woman knows her man isn’t taking her for a ride by hiding information from her, she learns to give him her trust as well as respect at all times. This brings about a strong determination in her not to abuse the trust of her husband, hence her willingness to do more than she would ordinarily have done to keep her man happy always.

Contrary to what many men think, being honest with the woman is like blackmailing her to give him all her support. It is actually a burden for the woman whose conscience will always remind her not hurt the man who has given her so much of himself. Honesty, on the part of man, does what love cannot do. While love does the initial work to bring a couple together, it is honesty that ensures they stay permanently together.

This is because, love engineers tolerance, sacrifice, respect, understanding, patience and unconditional support from the woman, who because she is in the know of everything would know what to demand for and when to do it or make arrangements of her own to resolve a financial problem. She knows that hers isn’t in the right position financially to execute such a project, no matter how minor.

It helps the love to grow into a deep friendship that seeks to protect the well being of her husband at all times even from the increasing demands of the children. But when a woman doesn’t know what her husband is doing or involved in as well as how much he has, suspicion is bound to set in especially if he is unable to meet his family obligations. Rather than discourage the children from piling the pressures on their father, would instead lead the revolution against him, because she feels the money he should have invested in the home is being channelled to somewhere else.

With the world increasingly becoming a global village, cross cultural relationships and marriages are on the increase, which means a lot of information are being traded on the love scene. Many a time these relationships begin to experience problems when couples discover that the information exchanged are not true. Being honest helps to prepare the other person for the challenges ahead, gives insight into the character of the person he or she is involved with, moderate expectations and helps to balance the fact that the person one is going into a relationship with isn’t a superhuman or an angel. Hence, he must not be expected to perform more than the ordinary person.

When a man tells lies about himself or status, it reduces him to nothing before the woman. Hence, it becomes difficult for him to apply control in the relationship, because he has compromised his position by claiming to be who he isn’t. It presents him as irresponsible, consequently difficult for any woman to respect or take orders from.

The integrity of the home and a man’s ability to manage it draws strength from his credentials as one to be trusted because it takes trust for a woman to leave her family and take on another man’s name. Therefore when she finds out that the man isn’t half the person he says he is, it causes her to regret in an inexplicable way her decision. And for some women, the man may never again gain her trust, and can give birth to anything from subtle to open disrespect for the man.

So for everyman to continue to be relevant in his home, truth must be upheld at all times.

Good luck.