Dear Agatha,
There is this friend of mine that has a big problem, which I know by the grace of God you can solve.
My friend is in a relationship with a girl he loves so much, and the girl equally loves him. Both of them are from different states. The relationship has grown to the level that he considers marrying this girl. I support his plans, because the girl is very industrious.
He discussed with his parents and they accepted his plans, but not to the girl he intends to marry. Their objection is not because the girl is bad, but because of her tribe (Igbo).
My friend’s father is not really against it but his mother, who does not have a formal education and can barely speak English, objects to her son marrying outside their tribe.
She complains that if the son gets married to her, she won't be able to communicate with her especially when she puts to birth, since the girl does not understand their language. She is insisting her son look for another girl from their place. My friend is so confused, don’t know what to do and has told the girl who understandably felt heartbroken and rejected.
Agatha, can she be right? Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.
Good Friend.
Dear Good Friend,
Your friend doesn’t seem to know what he wants from life, if he did, he would have been able to persuade the mother to think about his own happiness and not her inability to communicate with the girl when she puts to bed.
Your friend would have been able to assure the mother that there is no limit to learning, and that overtime both of them would be able to work out their own method of communication. After all, she won’t be the only mother whose son married a woman who cannot speak her native tongue.
If your friend is actually in love with this woman and is convinced that she makes him happy, he would have done everything to enlist the support of his mother.
Telling the lady about his mother’s feelings and opinion shows that he is not ready for the institution of marriage. He still has a lot to learn, because even when he decides to marry a girl from his clan, what assurance does he have that his mother wouldn’t come up with another excuse to jettison the relationship from coming into full bloom?
In the first place, a relationship is about two people and any man serious about setting up a home never allows third party intervention in his home. His mother can be excused on account of the limitations placed on her by her environment as well as her exposure, but your friend who is more educated and has knowledge of the ability of the woman he hopes to marry is better placed to mediate between the two women. Rather than tell his woman about the submission of his mother, he should have been man enough to tell his mother that this is the only woman who makes him happy.
He should have asked his mother what made a good wife, the woman’s ability to communicate in their local dialect or capability at making him happy?
A man who knows what he wants from life would have asked the mother what is most essential to her, a woman who is respectful, resourceful or one who meets with her requirement of being able to speak in her native tongue, but rude and disrespectful?
His inability to offer his woman protection is an indication that he may not really be in charge of his marriage at the end of the day.
It might be a blessing in disguise for the lady, who though hurting now should begin to reconsider her choice, because if something as mundane as her inability to speak the same dialect can torpedo the relationship, what guarantees are there that when something major comes up in the relationship, the man would not abandon her to her own fate?
Even if the man comes back, she needs more than mere assurances that he would stand by her through thick and thin.
On the issue of whether your friend’s mother is right, you know she isn’t, because if truly she is after her son’s happiness, the first thing would have been to accept the girl and teach her how to speak the language.
Your role, as a good friend, is to go to your friend’s mother and find out the real issue. If she insists it is just a mere matter of both of them being unable to communicate effectively, assure her it is a simple matter of the lady being taught the basic words to give both of them a starting point.
Assure her that the lady has expressed her willingness to earn her support by going out of her way to learn the dialect of her husband’s people.
Knowing that she intends to learn may thaw the tension generated by her attitude. You also need to talk to your friend too especially as it has to do with the running of his home.
Your role as a true friend is to ensure peace as well as make out time to pray for both of them.
Good luck.
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