With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I thank you for the incisive way you treat problems. Hope mine will not be an exception. I am a 26-year-old undergraduate in my final year. My problem has to do with the attitude of my girlfriend who is of the same age with me.
I love and cherish this girl so much but she hardly gives me attention. I am the one always calling and sending her text messages, and she hardly replies these messages. As a matter of fact she only beeps me once in two months.
It isn’t a matter of her not having money to buy credit, because she at least works. Besides we don’t reside in the same location.
I have made enough sacrifices in terms of showing her true love since we started two years ago.
Once I tried having sex with her but when she declined, I haven’t bothered her since. All we do is to kiss. To satisfy my sexual desires, I masturbate. My intention is to get married to this girl as soon as I finish schooling.
But since she isn’t giving me the attentions I desire, should I part ways with her and continue with my masturbation habit until I find someone who cares for me?
Confused EJ.
Dear Confused EJ,
Being age mates with you, so many things combine to make her appears cold towards you. These are fundamental issues, but which she obviously doesn’t want to discuss with you.
At 26, she is itching towards that important age most women begin to take serious the issue of their life partners, when they begin to sieve the wheat from the chaff. Being of the same age with her, you may not have much to offer her now especially as you are still in school while she is already working.
You still have one year of service as well as one or two years to be psychologically ready that is if you already have a promised job. If you are going to join the thousands who have already graduated for years still looking for the few jobs around, then it may take longer than that for you to be ready.
Add all these years to her current age and you will discover that by that time you would be in her 30s. This is obviously a risk she doesn’t want to take with you.
She may find you very amicable and loving, but all these don’t count as important to a woman desperate to marry. It isn’t you she is rejecting, but the circumstances surrounding your person.
Don’t get me wrong; this has nothing to do with money but with the reality on the ground. If you were through with education and only contending with the difficulties of looking for a job, it would be more appealing to her.
She may also be worried about your eventual reaction to the issue of her age. Should she brave the odds to stick it out with you, what guarantees does she have that you would not find her too old for you when you are settled and have the opportunity of attracting the interest of a younger female?
It could also be a case of your maturity or attitude. Both of you may be age mates, but being a woman her thinking and attitude would definitely be more matured than yours. It is a natural thing; women mature in their thinking and attitude faster than a man of their age.
As the man, you should make out time to talk to her. Pre-empt her questions and worries because like I said these are worries she may not want to share with you.
By initiating the discussions and addressing issues she didn’t want to discuss with you, you give her the chance to really open up on those things bothering her about a full-scale relationship with you. It would also give you a clear clue on how to tackle some things you have been worrying yourself over.
It would also give you two the chance to talk about your future, plan and concretise certain things. For instance, both of you may decide that it is best for you to go into business once you graduate rather than waste precious time on searching for a job.
You may have been together for two years, but you both haven’t gotten past the kindergarten stage in this relationship. It is time you discussed as two matured people dating and not like secondary school students who are scared of advertising their relationships.
At 26, both of you are matured enough to know what you are into. By taking time out to talk about it, you throw open all the options available to you.
As for the issue of masturbation, it isn’t an alternative to you having intimacy with a woman. It is a habit you must strive to outgrow before you begin to think of marriage.
Good luck.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Yet my AS son wants his AS girl for keep…
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate the good work you are doing, more power to your elbow.
I write this letter to seek your advice on what to do as I am presently in a state of confusion.
My son brought home a ladywhom he introduced to me as his fiancée, I took to her easily, but upon careful and calculated questioning, I discovered that the lady is AS. The same genotype as my son, this is where the dilemma sets in.
I have advised them both on the fact that though they may love themselves, they cannot get married as the chances of bearing a SS genotype baby is evident and the pain and suffering they would be subjecting the innocent child to, I think, is going to be enormous.
My son refused and has even picked up a quarrel with me on ‘not wanting his happiness’. He even tried to convince me that all I needed to do was to pray for them as a pastor has prayed for them and told them to ‘have faith’ and they would have SS free children!
I am deeply affected because I know what it means to see a loved one suffer from Sickle Cell and eventually die. I do not know what to do anymore as all my advice and appeal have fallen on his deaf ears. I am a Christian and I know the Bible says we should not tempt God. I feel this is what my son is doing.
No one should make such mistakes in this age and time, and to think they are both educated makes it more appalling. I really don’t know what to do again. Please advise me on what to do.
Concerned Mother.
Dear Concerned Mother,
Frankly, at this stage, the chances of your son listening to the voice of reason are very slim. When people think they are in love, it is always very difficult for them to accept the voice of reason, no matter how well meaning the voice is. Besides, he is very suspicious of your reason for wanting him to drop the woman he appears to love the most in his life. He probably thinks you are hiding under the guise of this medical problem to force him into abandoning this lady.
Your motive is suspicious to him because it concerns his love for another woman. Suddenly you are no more his mother, but a jealous mother-in-law to the woman he wants to marry. For this reason, you have to be very careful how hard you push him to avoid losing him altogether.
From experience, I have learnt to pray for assistance from God in matters like this. For reasons best known to the young, when issues like this come up, the advice of their parents is the least they are likely to accept. Being his mother, he suspects you of ulterior motive, of not liking his choice and of you wanting to control him by forcing him to do your bidding.
Bear in mind that he doesn’t have the experiences you have, don’t know what it is like to suffer helplessly at the sight of one’s child dying a slow death or constantly living in fear that the child may die one day. No, he and his girlfriend don’t know what it is like to feel guilty at bringing into the world a child that shouldn’t have been born in the first place.
They don’t know that such pressures brought from guilt of bringing an SS child into the world could kill the love they have now. The issue of their genotype isn’t the problem as far as they are concerned; you and your so-called experiences are! To them the pastor has said it is okay and as far as they are concerned that is enough for them.
They cannot imagine it now because they are so young and filled with rose-coloured ideas of what tomorrow holds.
The solution is to change your attitude. Befriend his woman. Let her know that much as you love her as a daughter, reality demands that they know what they are about to do to their love. It might require you take her to see a doctor or visit a family that has a Sickle Cell child or crisis child in the hospital. Nothing has the power to communicate reality like being faced with a real situation of a crisis. By the time she gets close to a family with a Sickle Cell child, see the pains and hopelessness when the child is in crisis, experience first hand the pains the child goes through as well as the constant medical requirements something in her would begin to think the other way.
Without them facing the reality of what they are about to enter into as well as the cost of the choice they have to make, they will never listen to you and continue to see you as their enemy. She must be made to understand through these real life experiences that there are some situations that love isn’t just enough to get a marriage going.
By the time she realises that your concern is more for their happiness and not because you hate her she would be the one telling your son to reconsider their plans to marry.
As a woman, she is most likely to see reasons with you because she would invariably be the one to suffer more of the emotional pains. Don’t stop praying for them. They need your prayers more than they realise.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate the good work you are doing, more power to your elbow.
I write this letter to seek your advice on what to do as I am presently in a state of confusion.
My son brought home a ladywhom he introduced to me as his fiancée, I took to her easily, but upon careful and calculated questioning, I discovered that the lady is AS. The same genotype as my son, this is where the dilemma sets in.
I have advised them both on the fact that though they may love themselves, they cannot get married as the chances of bearing a SS genotype baby is evident and the pain and suffering they would be subjecting the innocent child to, I think, is going to be enormous.
My son refused and has even picked up a quarrel with me on ‘not wanting his happiness’. He even tried to convince me that all I needed to do was to pray for them as a pastor has prayed for them and told them to ‘have faith’ and they would have SS free children!
I am deeply affected because I know what it means to see a loved one suffer from Sickle Cell and eventually die. I do not know what to do anymore as all my advice and appeal have fallen on his deaf ears. I am a Christian and I know the Bible says we should not tempt God. I feel this is what my son is doing.
No one should make such mistakes in this age and time, and to think they are both educated makes it more appalling. I really don’t know what to do again. Please advise me on what to do.
Concerned Mother.
Dear Concerned Mother,
Frankly, at this stage, the chances of your son listening to the voice of reason are very slim. When people think they are in love, it is always very difficult for them to accept the voice of reason, no matter how well meaning the voice is. Besides, he is very suspicious of your reason for wanting him to drop the woman he appears to love the most in his life. He probably thinks you are hiding under the guise of this medical problem to force him into abandoning this lady.
Your motive is suspicious to him because it concerns his love for another woman. Suddenly you are no more his mother, but a jealous mother-in-law to the woman he wants to marry. For this reason, you have to be very careful how hard you push him to avoid losing him altogether.
From experience, I have learnt to pray for assistance from God in matters like this. For reasons best known to the young, when issues like this come up, the advice of their parents is the least they are likely to accept. Being his mother, he suspects you of ulterior motive, of not liking his choice and of you wanting to control him by forcing him to do your bidding.
Bear in mind that he doesn’t have the experiences you have, don’t know what it is like to suffer helplessly at the sight of one’s child dying a slow death or constantly living in fear that the child may die one day. No, he and his girlfriend don’t know what it is like to feel guilty at bringing into the world a child that shouldn’t have been born in the first place.
They don’t know that such pressures brought from guilt of bringing an SS child into the world could kill the love they have now. The issue of their genotype isn’t the problem as far as they are concerned; you and your so-called experiences are! To them the pastor has said it is okay and as far as they are concerned that is enough for them.
They cannot imagine it now because they are so young and filled with rose-coloured ideas of what tomorrow holds.
The solution is to change your attitude. Befriend his woman. Let her know that much as you love her as a daughter, reality demands that they know what they are about to do to their love. It might require you take her to see a doctor or visit a family that has a Sickle Cell child or crisis child in the hospital. Nothing has the power to communicate reality like being faced with a real situation of a crisis. By the time she gets close to a family with a Sickle Cell child, see the pains and hopelessness when the child is in crisis, experience first hand the pains the child goes through as well as the constant medical requirements something in her would begin to think the other way.
Without them facing the reality of what they are about to enter into as well as the cost of the choice they have to make, they will never listen to you and continue to see you as their enemy. She must be made to understand through these real life experiences that there are some situations that love isn’t just enough to get a marriage going.
By the time she realises that your concern is more for their happiness and not because you hate her she would be the one telling your son to reconsider their plans to marry.
As a woman, she is most likely to see reasons with you because she would invariably be the one to suffer more of the emotional pains. Don’t stop praying for them. They need your prayers more than they realise.
Good luck.
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