Thursday, October 25, 2012

How do I know I’m courting the right person?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, First, I acknowledge the maturity you always demonstrate in handling people’s problems. May God give you more grace. I am a born-again child of God and want every thing about me to be done right. I am 27 years old and will be graduating in December this year. I want to find out whether what is happening to me is normal. I don’t have any plan for marriage and don’t have any girl friend. I am waiting upon the Lord for the right time and right person. All of a sudden, there is this loneliness within me and my joy no longer complete. These days, I feel I need a life partner. Is this feeling a sign that the time has come for me to look for a partner? If it is time, how can I be convinced if I find the right person? What is the courtship like? I need your help. Aondohemba. Dear Aondohemba, What is happening to you is perfectly normal. Right from the beginning of creation God created us a pair. You are only following a path laid down by the Creator. So don’t fret. You are old enough and at the age when this strong thirst for a companionship of the opposite sex is at its strongest. No matter our religious affiliations, a time comes in a person’s life when love is required to peep it up. It is primordial. We have been wired from our manufacturer’s table to be part of someone’s life. Once we get to that age, nothing we do or say will prevent us from longing for it. Unless of course, those sworn to celibacy and have made up their minds to remain single for the rest of their lives, the rest of humanity once the set time comes, the alarm bell goes off. For most people, the human biological heat alarm is set to trigger once we begin the journey into our teenage-hood. Your alarm bell is ringing loudest; because at 27 you should by now be considering who would share your life, have your children. Because this journey requires a lot of thoughts and reconsiderations in the process of arriving at the final decision, you must first have a very clear idea of where you are going. This way, it cuts down by half the confusion of finding and knowing the right girl for the position of a helpmate in your life. As one, born again, I am sure, the church must have told you some of the things to look out for in a woman: her behaviour, attitude and disposition towards things in life. Granted these are things you cannot determine at first sight, but having a picture of the kind of woman will help you recognise that something extra in a woman you are meeting for the first time. The eyes are said to be the gateway to the soul. There is usually an aura that follows every one of us about. In repose, the face can tell a lot about one’s attitude; no matter how good an actor one is, a person’s nature can be judged almost correctly in the first few early minutes of a conversation. The rest is usually an act put up by a conniving mind to deceive the other party into a hurried decision. So one thing is to pay detailed attention to the attitude and truth in the eyes as well as facial expression of the woman you are interested in those few first minutes of your conversation with her. The second thing is to offer her friendship. Avoid the mistake of telling a woman you love her at first sight. It is always advisable to offer the platform of friendship. Amity offers an intending couple the opportunity to observe each other at close quarters. It exposes the pair a chance to expose each other to peculiar weaknesses, strength, and temperament, state of mind, way of thinking and all the other tidbits in the other person’s character. The exclusion of sex makes it easier for a dating couple to be very honest about their limits. Also, it makes forgiveness easy to give and obtain just as it enables trust and understanding effortlessly in the relationship. It also makes it possible for a man and woman to look beyond the physical look into the heart of the person. In addition, you must be determined and clear minded about demands being made on the other person. What you cannot tolerate, don’t expect your woman to. There is no stopping the inevitable. Go before God to ask for help in finding the right woman. As long as you have the understanding that nobody is perfect, mistakes are part of human nature. It won’t be so difficult to integrate with another human being. Courtship is a time for a man and woman to set sentiments aside for practical solutions as well as approach to issues. When it comes to the matter of decision on a life partner, be true to yourself; this way, you save yourself a lifetime of pains and horror. The challenge, the marriage institution is facing comes from the refusal of young men and women to look at things from the practical point of view. Most couples marry on the strength of the spur of the moment without giving adequate thoughts as well as considerations to the wear and tear of two strangers living together. Thirsty as you are to connect with a woman; be careful you don’t end up making the mistake a young butterfly makes in front of a lizard. This is a journey that will end only when death occurs; so a lot of care must be given to your search to find the right woman. Trust God and be truthful to yourself from the beginning. Good luck.

Can’t I make my inter-tribal relationship work?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a huge fan of yours. You are actually my role model and I pray that God will continue to bless you. My problem started a few weeks ago. I am in an inter-tribal relationship. I’m a Yoruba girl while my boyfriend is Ibo. Our relationship is a few months old and so far we haven’t had any problems apart from the time he thought I was cheating on him because of a message he saw on my phone. Agatha, I don’t mind our tribal differences and he also claims not to mind but a few weeks ago, I was browsing and came across an article which gave reasons why inter-tribal relationships never work out, especially between the Ibo and Yoruba. I browsed further and discovered some even more disturbing articles. Some claim that his parents, especially his mother would never accept me; another said the Ibo guys only date Yoruba girls for their wealth. I’m very sure my boyfriend loves me for who I am but lately, I can’t stop thinking about the articles and that our relationship might not work out. I love him very much but I don’t want a situation in the future that we will break up after years of dating because his family doesn’t accept me. Agatha, I really need your opinion on this matter because I am very confused. AtDawn. Dear AtDawn, Only the determination of a couple offers a relationship its security. Even if you and your boyfriend come from the same clan, the moment you both allow your families too much freedom to meddle in your union, it becomes doom. No doubt in some families, tribe plays an important role in determining what becomes of their children’s happiness but once a couple at the centre of it all holds on to their dreams of being together, trust in each other’s love as well as strength, the relationship does survive the onslaught. What you read are the experiences of other people. Some of the time, the writers use their encounters as the barometer in arriving at their conclusions. A marriage not meant to be will not work no matter the tribe or nationality. Every marriage is a school of different encounters, challenges and situations. No two marriages are alike simply because no two human beings can ever be alike, not even that of twins married to another set of twins. Just as there are bad inter-tribal marriages, there are equally inter-tribal marriages that are perfect examples of what an ideal marriage should be. What you need now is not the doubts reading such articles have generated in your mind but looking at ways you can avoid making such mistakes in your own relationship. One of the reasons most inter-tribal marriages break down has to do with cultural and language differences. What you should do now is to make attempts at learning your boyfriend’s language as well as the important cultural observations of his people. No matter how difficult his people are, the fact that you even made attempts to speak their language and learn their customs, including the kinds of food the mother and father like the most, will make them pause in their assessment of you to study you. Often than not, the fear of not knowing how to relate to a woman from another tribe, prompts hostility from the man’s family. But once you are able to break the ice by speaking some words in their language lessens the fear of you turning their son into a complete stranger as well as converting your children into your side of the country. A woman who marries outside her tribe must be ready to tolerant and sensitive to the ways of her new family. People are naturally suspicious of change therefore if the woman makes the extra effort to present her new family a kind of menu that is familiar, she sets herself up to win the battle. If you are serious about this man, pressure him to teach you his language, customs, the fashion sense of his people as well as the kinds of food they eat. Every tribe is determined to preserve some of its cultural values so be determined to succeed in your own choice. Good luck.

Despite his lackadaisical attitude he wants me to stay

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 27 years of age. The man who proposed marriage to me doesn’t have time due to his workload. I have taken him to my house to meet with my family but I neither know where he lives nor has he taken me to see his parents. Recently, I told him I have found someone else; to my surprise he warned me not to even contemplate dating another man since he still cares for me and wants to marry me. I have scared him into believing that I would be getting married by December but he says I shouldn’t. What should I do? Chinonye. Dear Chinonye, The question is, do you have a suitor lined up to marry you in December? What if he calls you bluff and tells you to go ahead with your new suitor because he isn’t ready to marry by this December? What are you going to do or tell him next? Rather than lie to him about an imaginary suitor, why not ask him outright questions concerning his attitude towards you and your relationship with him? The danger of trying to blackmail him into doing what you want is that he can easily turn round to use it as an excuse to exit your life. Have you considered what he would think of you if no wedding takes place by December as you have led him to think? The infinitesimal step to a successful relationship begins with a tiny seed of trust. He must have a reason for proposing marriage to you. Since you are in doubt about his motive, let him know why you don’t trust him or the sincerity of his proposal. Besides, you have to be careful in your bid to be married. No good thing comes easy so why the rush and obvious desperation on your part? It isn’t healthy for your peace of mind as well as reputation when this man discovers you have been less than truthful to him. Allow this relationship grow naturally. Marriage is more than having a partner and proposal; it is devoting time to the study of the character, nature and attitude of the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. It is also important you know the kind of temperament he has. Rather than make marriage the reason you want him in your life, why not let him know that you desire some private moments with him to enable both of you expose your characters to each other which will help you both arrive at a clear picture of what to expect later in marriage? Going to see his family isn’t as important as you both being sure of your feelings for each other as well as knowing the abilities and disabilities you would be interested in from the other person. At least you know that he is career focused, and may not have the kind of time you would have loved to share with him. Beyond introducing you to his family and knowing where he stays, in all sincerity, can you cope with the situation? Be honest with yourself because it is most likely that he won’t change jobs just to please you. This is more important than the issue of knowing his family since this is what you would be living with until he changes the kind of job he does. His family isn’t who you are going to live with; his family members may really like you but if you are not at peace with him, cannot endure the time you spend apart or certain things about him, it would be difficult to find the kind of happiness that makes marriage enjoyable. Besides, there is nowhere in your mail you mentioned love or even that you like him. All you appear interested in is marrying him. It doesn’t work that way. There can never be a happy union without the mention of love. The lack of love is why you appear anxious and skeptical of his motive. Relationship is more than wanting a partner in your life, it is also about growing and nurturing your feelings to the point of living in each other’s mind and body. What you have now and appear to be pursuing is a blank canvass. Not even an ink stroke to announce a kind of activity on the canvass of your relationship. These are the concerns you should tell him instead of pressuring him to come for your introduction. If you are asked to summarise the character of the man you want to marry or tell his likes and dislikes, what can you say about him? What if after you both marry, you discover he has some attitudes you cannot cope with; it won’t be easy for you to walk away as it is now that you have no legal and religious encumbrances to contend with. My advice to you is to learn to take each day as it comes in this relationship. If God wants both of you to grow in love and friendship, no matter what is happening to him now, he will find time for both of you to sort things out to favour you. There is always a certain kind of peace that accompanies the wait of something God has designed for one. If you look deep into your heart, without pressuring him, you will know if he is yours or not. Good luck.

Where do I start after her exit?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Now that I need my woman the most, she decided to leave me. Where am I going to begin, the church, cinema or nightclub? Where am I going to start? Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, Start by asking yourself what went wrong between you and your ex. For a woman to just decide she is abandoning a relationship means things were not working well. What kind of boyfriend were you to your ex? What were the things she constantly complained about before she decided to leave you? Deep down will you say you were a dependable, loving and available man to her? The solutions to some of our challenges in life are often in our past. There is no place you cannot run into a woman but you have to be certain of what you want from life. If you are not, chances of you ending up with the wrong woman is very high. Life is a phase. After this disappointment, be determined to take things more serious in life. Be sure first of what you want and where you are going; this way the choice of the kind of woman you need in your life would be easier to define. Once you know, you will know exactly what you are looking for in your woman and where to find her. At least it will help you come to a realisation that going to the nightclub to look for a wife may not be the right idea. Good luck.

Lonely Heart

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met a very unique young woman through the mail I last sent you in 2010. I must say she was the very woman I wanted but was not serious in cementing our relationship and now she is married. My heart has been bleeding since. She was my first real love. I just got a good job and still my heart is empty. There are so many beautiful women in Lagos but I am not that type of man who walks up to a woman to begin gibbering complete rubbish to her simply because I am sexually attracted to her. I do not have friends and don’t make friends that easily. I am a very responsible person who likes studying people before I take the relationship to the next level. Maybe that is why I lost my last girlfriend. I do not like woman who are insecure, I like confident and mature thinking women. I love an adventurous woman, but not the kind who is adventurous to a fault. I love a woman who is business minded and thinks like an entrepreneur. I am a budding entrepreneur and would like to spend the rest of my life with a woman who is. I love plus size or buxom, big, bold and beautiful women. I do not mind the tribe she comes from, although I am Igbo and would prefer she comes from other tribes than mine because I would like to contest for the office of the Nigerian President one day and unite Nigeria as a country but, I don’t mind if an Igbo hooks me up. I hope I could get connected again to a serious minded woman through your unique platform. My number is, 08122351449 and I want to get hooked to ladies living in Lagos. I don’t like long distant relationships please.