Marriage Clinic with Agatha Edo, womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com , 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a passionate reader of your column. I won’t pretend that the problem I am about to share with you is new. I have always suspected it but I am completely helpless.
I am in my 40s and have been married for almost 20 years. My husband is stupendously rich and known in the society. This is why I have been reluctant to discuss this with anybody. To everybody he is a successful businessman and philanthropist but I know the source of his money is behind a closed door he has never allowed me to go into since I married him.
When I gave birth to my first son and he seemed incapable of doing anything by himself, it was given medical reasons. Then I believed the doctors and my husband but I began to suspect something wasn’t right somewhere when certain inexplicable things began to happen in my home.
For instance, my husband is always so generous when the condition of my son worsens. During those times, my husband would be extra nice to him but when he is getting better he becomes so hostile to him to the point of hatred. If you ask him for money at such times, he would snap at you.
Secondly, he has the best houses and cars without his business being visible. He claims to be into body care business but there is really nothing to show from that, although the outside world thinks otherwise.
Why I am writing you is because of what happened some weeks ago. I had gone with my friend to see a pastor over the inability of my second son to move beyond a point in his education and my daughter who at 15 is already sexually active. It is so bad; I caught her with my driver in the car. Although I sacked the driver but something tells me, it is no remedy.
The worst thing is her unrepentant attitude. I know it is more than just the usual teenage rebellion. She was sent abroad but we had to bring her back because of this problem.
The pastor asked me to ask my husband what he was doing with my children and that unless he confesses, the situation of my children would go from bad to worse.
Knowing the erratic nature of my husband, I couldn’t confront him but I know that he is truly responsible. Having lived with him all these years, I know the things my husband has done. Do I report him to the Police? I am a desperate mother who wants the best for her children. What do I do? Please conceal my identity.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Frankly, this is a choice you have to make on your own. Nobody can make this all important decision for you. You have to make the choice between your children and commitment to your husband. You are the one in the marriage, you know why you have kept quiet all these years as well as why you have supported your husband in his quest to be rich.
Now that you want to open up, you also have a reason for it. What is between you and your husband is very deep for a third party to intervene. Although you presented yourself as the weak party, the helpless one, the fact remains that there is no way you can absolve yourself of complicity in this whole thing.
Having lived with him for the number of years you have, you can’t deny spending the money he got from these rituals. If you have always suspected him of being responsible for your son’s mental condition, accepting money from him, spending it on yourself and children shows support for his ways. In a way too, you encouraged him to feed on the other children. Had you risen to challenge him not minding his temper, daring him to do his worst, there is no way he would have had the boldness to do what he liked with your remaining children.
He may be a hard and ruthless man but, given the possibility of you exposing him to the world, he would have thought twice before using another child in the house.
Chances are he may not even be directly responsible for the plight of your children. They just might be victims of repercussions as a result of the many souls their father destroyed and is still destroying for money. You are witnessing it to feel what the parents of all those innocent souls he used to get rich and keep his family in affluence are going through.
Now, you want to come out in the open because you can no longer endure all that is happening to your children. Would you have considered reporting your husband to the Police if his deeds didn’t catch up with your children, didn’t affect you as a person? Chances are you wouldn’t if your own children weren’t giving you problems.
While you are perfectly within your rights to do as you please, also consider your own contributions to the kind of life your husband is living. Would you have ever considered marrying him if he weren’t rich? You may not be his initial reason for his actions but you and the children eventually became the grounds for keeping at it. You in particular through you silence, gave him all the support to think he is on the right path. A wife is more than a woman who takes care of the home, she is her husband’s support base and his strength. She has the capacity to make him stop so many things she doesn’t want in his life.
What efforts have you made all these years to stop your man from his destructive ways?
Ensure that the step you take is one that you are more than prepared for its consequences. To stay in it is dangerous just as it is to report him to the law enforcement officials. Whatever your choice is at the end of the day, be prepared to fight for your life as well as those of your children if what you say concerning your husband is true. Other members of the cult would definitely fight back because it won’t just be him but all of them that you would be taking on.
You need the presence and strength of God to win this battle. So go first on your knees and beg for this power to not just fight but to win.
Good luck.
Monday, July 4, 2011
I don’t know what to do
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Greetings to you in the name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I am one of your readers. I pray God gives you an answer to my problem.
Sometime ago I was into a relationship with a guy who was a graduate. I started a relationship with him while he was not working. Then he used to plead with me to be patient with him that things would change once he gets a job. I didn’t mind because I loved him so much.
He got a job seven months after we started our relationship. Initially things were very fine between us even though he moved from Kano to Lagos.
We kept constant communication with each other on the phone. It became a ritual for us to speak daily, and whenever I fail to call he would immediately call to inquire if everything was okay with me.
Once, I travelled to Lagos to spend some days with him and to know where he lived.
When we were together in Kano he used to plead with me to keep myself for him and never to do anything stupid. He emphasised his need of me in his life even though we pledged not to engage in sexual activities until the time was right. For being so considerate of my feelings I loved him the more.
Because of this considerate attitude of his, I refused any other man that came to me. I made a vow to remain faithful to him, no matter the temptation that came with being a woman.
Agatha, you can therefore imagine my pains and aches when he stopped calling me and even when I beep his number he still wouldn’t call. This continued for a time until he told me of another relationship he was into and his plans to marry the other woman. I was devastated not only due to his betrayal but also his cruelty, because I stood by him when he didn’t have anything to his name.
When we started, I specifically asked if he were in any other relationship, to which he answered in the negative. So, his relationship with this woman couldn’t have predated mine with him.
Well the marriage didn’t hold as planned and I have since moved into another relationship with a man who has expressed the desire to settle down with me next year.
We are both in love but because of the experience with my first boyfriend, I am scared. Besides, I don’t want to make a mistake in my life one that would haunt me forever.
Do I say yes to this second man or should I wait and see if the former man will come back? I don’t want to make mistake. I have given him some time now and have been praying to God over the issue.
Agatha, what should I do?
Worried Lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
Why do you want to wait for a man who hasn’t shown remorse on the way he treated you or given you fresh assurances that he wants you to be part of his life?
For you to consider him at all, he has to make the move to resolve all outstanding issues with you, explain why he betrayed your love and why he thought the other woman was a better wife material than you. In addition, he has to ask for forgiveness and give your fresh assurances of his need of you as well as commitment to you.
If he hasn’t done any of these, waiting for him would be to your doom.
You are fortunate to have gotten someone else who is interested in marrying you. Not every woman is as lucky as you so give this relationship your best to ensure it works out. Even though you would still be hurting from the betrayal of your previous relationship, it shouldn’t stop you from learning to trust again.
Begin the process of healing by allowing this new man in your life help you overcomes the disappointment of your previous trial. By telling him the truth, you court his understanding and patience to deal with your moods and doubts. Like women, men are very sensitive to a lukewarm attitude in their partners. If you don’t tell him the truth, don’t make him understand that your seeming withdrawal at times has to do with a bygone pains, a time would come when he would misinterpret your mood to mean you don’t love him enough to marry him.
You could lose him in the process because a man’s heart warms best to a woman who show them happiness and appreciation.
You cannot peg your happiness and life to a man who didn’t think twice of hurting you. Instead of the sadness you now feel, you should be happy that you found out all about him before you marry him. What would you have done if you found out he were capable of cheating on you after marriage?
At least you have the freedom to start all over again, but had it happened after you married him you would be forced to endure the unhappiness and pains because of the cultural and legal tangles that make marriage difficult to terminate with ease.
Give yourself time to know this new man in your life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good enough you have prayed but if you don’t take the step of faith required to realise your dream, no matter how hard you pray you would never get the required result.
You are being unfair to judge your new relationship and man on the basis of what another man did to you. It is a mistake that has destroyed so many promising relationships. If you want to be happy, you must develop the will to leave the past and flow with the waves of the present and future. Don’t let this happen to you else you may never get over the disappointment. No disappointment is worth keeping evergreen because the pains would never allow for objectivity.
The best legacy you can give yourself is to use the experiences of the past as a heritage for the present and future.
There must be certain things you did wrong, which you must never do again to protect your future. Rather than focus on the mistakes and pains he caused you, look at your own failures too. Learning from past mistakes is what makes the difference between successes and failures. What did you do to make this man change his mind about you?
Is it the way you look, your hygiene, your comportment, your attitude or your temper? Lots of things could make a man change his mind especially if those things make him uncomfortable. You may give a man all the support he needs to succeed in life but the moment something about you makes him uneasy, inferior in the company of friends and colleagues, there is the risk of him finding another woman who would fill the void created by your carelessness.
If you continue to focus on his betrayal alone, you may never be able to do an objective analysis of yourself with a view of knowing where and how to help improve on your person.
Relationship is a wholesome process. No part must be left unattended to else, that little ignored part can cause a major quake to the rest. Men need women they can be proud of in every area: spiritually, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to be expensively dressed to keep your man’s attention but it must be neat and presentable.
Take a good look at yourself, where are you in need of improvement? Once you know, go immediately to work.
With the help of God, you will be happy but you must learn from this early how to please and hold on to your man. Ask him for help on ways to make him always proud of you. His thoughts and inputs are necessary for your metamorphosis as a complete woman.
Consign your pains to the trash bin of the past and move forward into the future with this man with all the trust you have. Even if he makes mistakes, dialogue and forgiveness help a lot. Trust God and learn to be happy.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Greetings to you in the name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I am one of your readers. I pray God gives you an answer to my problem.
Sometime ago I was into a relationship with a guy who was a graduate. I started a relationship with him while he was not working. Then he used to plead with me to be patient with him that things would change once he gets a job. I didn’t mind because I loved him so much.
He got a job seven months after we started our relationship. Initially things were very fine between us even though he moved from Kano to Lagos.
We kept constant communication with each other on the phone. It became a ritual for us to speak daily, and whenever I fail to call he would immediately call to inquire if everything was okay with me.
Once, I travelled to Lagos to spend some days with him and to know where he lived.
When we were together in Kano he used to plead with me to keep myself for him and never to do anything stupid. He emphasised his need of me in his life even though we pledged not to engage in sexual activities until the time was right. For being so considerate of my feelings I loved him the more.
Because of this considerate attitude of his, I refused any other man that came to me. I made a vow to remain faithful to him, no matter the temptation that came with being a woman.
Agatha, you can therefore imagine my pains and aches when he stopped calling me and even when I beep his number he still wouldn’t call. This continued for a time until he told me of another relationship he was into and his plans to marry the other woman. I was devastated not only due to his betrayal but also his cruelty, because I stood by him when he didn’t have anything to his name.
When we started, I specifically asked if he were in any other relationship, to which he answered in the negative. So, his relationship with this woman couldn’t have predated mine with him.
Well the marriage didn’t hold as planned and I have since moved into another relationship with a man who has expressed the desire to settle down with me next year.
We are both in love but because of the experience with my first boyfriend, I am scared. Besides, I don’t want to make a mistake in my life one that would haunt me forever.
Do I say yes to this second man or should I wait and see if the former man will come back? I don’t want to make mistake. I have given him some time now and have been praying to God over the issue.
Agatha, what should I do?
Worried Lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
Why do you want to wait for a man who hasn’t shown remorse on the way he treated you or given you fresh assurances that he wants you to be part of his life?
For you to consider him at all, he has to make the move to resolve all outstanding issues with you, explain why he betrayed your love and why he thought the other woman was a better wife material than you. In addition, he has to ask for forgiveness and give your fresh assurances of his need of you as well as commitment to you.
If he hasn’t done any of these, waiting for him would be to your doom.
You are fortunate to have gotten someone else who is interested in marrying you. Not every woman is as lucky as you so give this relationship your best to ensure it works out. Even though you would still be hurting from the betrayal of your previous relationship, it shouldn’t stop you from learning to trust again.
Begin the process of healing by allowing this new man in your life help you overcomes the disappointment of your previous trial. By telling him the truth, you court his understanding and patience to deal with your moods and doubts. Like women, men are very sensitive to a lukewarm attitude in their partners. If you don’t tell him the truth, don’t make him understand that your seeming withdrawal at times has to do with a bygone pains, a time would come when he would misinterpret your mood to mean you don’t love him enough to marry him.
You could lose him in the process because a man’s heart warms best to a woman who show them happiness and appreciation.
You cannot peg your happiness and life to a man who didn’t think twice of hurting you. Instead of the sadness you now feel, you should be happy that you found out all about him before you marry him. What would you have done if you found out he were capable of cheating on you after marriage?
At least you have the freedom to start all over again, but had it happened after you married him you would be forced to endure the unhappiness and pains because of the cultural and legal tangles that make marriage difficult to terminate with ease.
Give yourself time to know this new man in your life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good enough you have prayed but if you don’t take the step of faith required to realise your dream, no matter how hard you pray you would never get the required result.
You are being unfair to judge your new relationship and man on the basis of what another man did to you. It is a mistake that has destroyed so many promising relationships. If you want to be happy, you must develop the will to leave the past and flow with the waves of the present and future. Don’t let this happen to you else you may never get over the disappointment. No disappointment is worth keeping evergreen because the pains would never allow for objectivity.
The best legacy you can give yourself is to use the experiences of the past as a heritage for the present and future.
There must be certain things you did wrong, which you must never do again to protect your future. Rather than focus on the mistakes and pains he caused you, look at your own failures too. Learning from past mistakes is what makes the difference between successes and failures. What did you do to make this man change his mind about you?
Is it the way you look, your hygiene, your comportment, your attitude or your temper? Lots of things could make a man change his mind especially if those things make him uncomfortable. You may give a man all the support he needs to succeed in life but the moment something about you makes him uneasy, inferior in the company of friends and colleagues, there is the risk of him finding another woman who would fill the void created by your carelessness.
If you continue to focus on his betrayal alone, you may never be able to do an objective analysis of yourself with a view of knowing where and how to help improve on your person.
Relationship is a wholesome process. No part must be left unattended to else, that little ignored part can cause a major quake to the rest. Men need women they can be proud of in every area: spiritually, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to be expensively dressed to keep your man’s attention but it must be neat and presentable.
Take a good look at yourself, where are you in need of improvement? Once you know, go immediately to work.
With the help of God, you will be happy but you must learn from this early how to please and hold on to your man. Ask him for help on ways to make him always proud of you. His thoughts and inputs are necessary for your metamorphosis as a complete woman.
Consign your pains to the trash bin of the past and move forward into the future with this man with all the trust you have. Even if he makes mistakes, dialogue and forgiveness help a lot. Trust God and learn to be happy.
Good luck.
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