With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
There is this huge problem facing me. Five years ago, I left my former boyfriend because I caught him in bed with another woman. He actually tried everything to make me come back, but I refused.
A year later he got married to the same woman I caught him cheating on me with. I was very hurt by it all, I vowed to get even with him.
A friend of mine took me to a spiritualist who promised to help me deal with him. Thereafter, I met and married my current husband.
Before we got married, my husband and I had a good sex life, but the moment we got married, I noticed he couldn’t perform as a man.
Before we begin, he would be okay as a man, but the moment he attempts to get into me, he goes limp. We didn’t understand what was happening. At first, he thought it was just the stress in the office getting to him. I did all the tricks I know as a woman, but none worked when it mattered the most.
While I was still trying to solve the problem, I learnt he has put another woman in the family way. His excuse was since he wasn’t able to perform as a man with me; he did it with another woman just to make sure he wasn’t the problem.
It isn’t just that he got her pregnant but his people are also making plans to bring the woman to the house.
Hurt, I went out to do the same thing he did, but I discovered that none of the men I tried to sleep with could get it up.
It was then I knew I was the target of whatever is wrong with my marriage.
I tried going back to the spiritualist my friend took me to, only to discover he no longer stayed there. I was told by his neighbours that he had moved.
Desperate, I confided in a friend who took me somewhere else. It was there I was told that the cause of my problem had to do with what I did to my former boyfriend. I had forgotten all about that. In my problems it skipped my mind that I had, out of anger, told the spiritualist I went to see that he should punish him by making it impossible for him and the woman he married to function as a couple.
According to this spiritualist, the only thing that would break the curse on me is to sleep with him (the spiritualist). Surprisingly, he could sleep with me as a man, but once I go back to another man, the problem came back. I am so fed up because it looks like I will never get out of it. The more places I go, the more complicated my problems become.
The latest is that my husband has driven me out of the house. I am writing because I don’t know what else to do. I have gone everywhere but the issue remains. Please help me.
I don’t know what to do or who to turn to? Can you help me, Agatha? Can you find a solution to my problem? Will I ever be able to have a baby? I know it isn’t the usual thing you do.
Martha.
Dear Martha,
The only help I know is the house of God. There is no running away from the fact that you have gotten yourself involved in a very terrible thing.
He remains the only one who can help you as long as you know how to find him and the way to His house.
Whosoever told you that solutions come from going through the homes of different spiritualists told you lies. Instead of solutions you will experience more difficulties like you are currently going through.
How does sleeping with a spiritualist translate to your finding solution to a problem you created in the first place? Did you ever pause to think how having a sexual encounter with a complete stranger, someone you don’t know, cancel a problem you are having with other men? Do you realise the power of sex, the covenant it invokes into one’s life? Even if it were true these spiritualists have the answers to your problem, didn’t you think it strange that they should demand sex as solution?
Granted, they could go all the way with you, but that is as far as your solution goes. The truth you had become a sort of toy thing to them all, a tool they can manipulate to their pleasure.
Don’t forget that you got the problem from them in the first place. Even if in your hurt and pains you were seeking ways to get back at your former boyfriend for what he did to you, they should have told you to leave everything to God.
Frankly, unless you want to end up frustrated throughout your life, go to God in prayers. He listens and cares so much about us all.
He doesn’t demand for anything to make right our wrong. What you are suffering from is nemesis. You went to them to make your former boyfriend and his woman unhappy; ensure they don’t enjoy their union. And when the time for you to be happy too in your marriage came, you too were denied the kind of peace and joy you denied them: your ex and his wife.
You, more than anyone else, know the things that transpired between you and the spiritualist you went to for help to deal with your former lover. Even though you didn’t meet him in his last address, you should have gone back to your ex to apologise and plead for forgiveness.
Honestly, it is not too late to do it. Having indiscriminate sex with the so-called spiritual helpers you have taken to consulting for solutions will never give you the kind of release from the consequences of your action.
Already you have lost your home to another woman despite the various spiritual homes you patronise as well as the kind of payments they demand of you. First it was your husband not being able to be intimate with you, and now it is you not having a husband at all. The drift in your life underscores the extent of hurt you inflicted on your former boyfriend and his wife. Even if he treated you unfairly, it was wrong for you to take laws into your hand. The extent you went in seeking revenge cancelled whatever sympathy you had. Your actions effectively stopped God from coming to your rescue, hence the many problems you now have.
Whatever it would cost you in pride, go to this couple and confess what you did. It is the only way to find freedom from the prison you have put yourself into. Your must stop patronising the homes of these spiritualists because not only would they continue to defraud you spiritually, financially, but also emotionally. If you don’t take the step to end it now by making your peace with this couple, you will never be free to live your own life, and anywhere you go you will continue to meet with disappointment.
The forgiveness of this couple will make it easier for you to find God and help from Him. The law of God is simple; we all reap what we sow in other people’s lives. It is obvious you planned for this couple not to have more children in addition to wanting to deny them the joy that comes from being married.
Out of hurt, jealousy, pains and frustration you sowed pains into the lives of this couple forgetting that you are not God. The fact that you met and married another man a year after he left you for this other lady meant you both were never to last forever.
Even if God had planned it that way, leaving Him to fight for you would have given you a happier and trustworthy results.
To help yourself grow in faith, stop telling friends about your problem. Rather, tell God through prayers how to help you find a solution.
The moment you tell them what you have done, chances are whatever spell you are suffering from would not go away.
Whatever happens, hold on to God. Don’t let anyone deceive you into thinking you can find a quick solution outside Him. You must also act fast because time isn’t your friend as a woman. Everyday, you delay going to this couple to beg for forgiveness and reconciling yourself with God, you eat further into your time of productivity as a woman. This is very important if you hope to have children and enjoy matrimony again.
Good luck.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
His zeal for me wanes daily
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for being there for us. May the Lord continue to be your strength and give you more wisdom in Jesus name.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for six years. He happens to be the one sponsoring my education.
Recently, he travelled out of the country and has returned.
But since his coming back from his trip, a lot of things have changed concerning his attitude towards our relationship and me. He doesn’t seem to have the time for me anymore. These days, he limits his relationship with me to sex and money.
He doesn’t care if I am happy or not. When he came back, most of his friends and mine told me to get pregnant for him before he travels again. In their opinion, this would make him change his mind about travelling out again.
Can you imagine that he left me at home and went out with his friends? I was so annoyed with him. In fairness, he apologised and promised to take me out during the New Year.
Contrary to what he promised me, he also went out with his friends and when I reminded him of our arrangement to be together on the day, he said he had to keep his promise to his friends to spend the day together. He however promised to be back early. Based on this, I waited for him at home; to my pains he didn’t come, not even to wish me happy New Year on that day.
I am really tired of everything as well as reporting him to his parents. They are always begging me to forgive him, but I noticed that they are incapable of cautioning him on the way he treats me. I have been telling them I cannot cope with his kind of person.
As it is, I am afraid of getting pregnant because of all that I have observed about him.
I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to him, but he simply has refused to change. The situation remains the same.
Please what do I do? I don’t want to offend him because of what we have both been through. When I met him, there was nobody to help me. I am who I am because of his efforts in my life. Despite his attitude towards me, he still cares for me but I am becoming increasingly unhappy because of this attitude of his. Although he trusts me but I want to be happy and don’t deserve what he is doing to me at all.
Betty.
Dear Betty,
You need a lot of patience, attitude of tolerance and understanding to overcome this challenge.
Doubtless, the picture you painted on the surface appears hopeless, but there is always a lesson in every experience we go through in life. The lesson is to help us go into the next stage or class in the school called life.
There is no way you can go into the next stage if you don’t pass the stage you are in now.
Your solution lies in your ability to focus and harmonise every issue involved in your relationship. To get it right, you need to go back to the very beginning for possible clues as to why he is behaving this way. You need to do this urgently to avoid masking the real issues with the wrong colours.
You also have to ask yourself what your real motives are. People don’t change dramatically from who they are overnight. The thing that changes is how people around them feel about them.
To get a clear picture of what is really happening between the two of you begin the perspective from yourself. I must warn of the need for you to be absolutely honest with yourself. The truth you tell or fail to holds the key to your future happiness.
Has he always been like this? If yes, how have you coped with him, and if no, at what point did he change? When did you begin to realise you cannot cope with his behaviour anymore? Importantly, do you really love him for who he is or what you are getting from him? As a matter of fact, have you ever loved him?
Honest answers would help clear a lot of the confusion currently enveloping your relationship. For instance, if he has always been like that, what has changed to make you feel suddenly tired of him and his lifestyle? Is it that you have suddenly realised that after being with him for six years that he has become too complicated a man for you or that you can no longer tolerate his presence in your life?
I am not saying you don’t have the right to terminate the relationship or to complain about his behaviour, far from it, but it is in your interest to be properly focused on your reasons.
If he has changed, don’t just blame him for everything. Ask yourself how you contributed to it. Look at all the things he has complained about your person. If he likes parties, do you? How often has he tried to get you involved in his kind of lifestyle, get you interested in going to the places he likes? How many times have you resisted his gesture to make you comfortable with his friends?
Often we make the mistake of condemning people even before we get to meet them. What efforts have you made to bridge the gap of differences between your persons? A relationship can become so boring if a couple cannot find a point of equilibrium. The fact that he left you at home to enjoy the New Year in the company of his friends tell two stories; either that he finds your company boring or that you have refused to flow with the company of his friends.
No matter how intolerable, you find the behaviour of his friends, the fact that your man seems to like them, means you should try to accommodate them. Making it appear he has to make a choice between you and his friends only complicates things. Even if you think his friends are not good for him, there are ways of putting a distance between them without making it obvious to him.
For all you know, these friends you don’t want him to associate with, may be the ones instigating his new behaviour against you. These friends can deliberately set out to make things difficult between the two of you if they perceive you to be hostile to them. This is why wisdom is required in dealing with issues in every relationship.
Try to make a positive change in the areas you know you are weak. It would go a long way in doing what words, nagging, cannot do.
If he has always been like this, how did you put up with him all these years? Why are you suddenly realising he is a very difficult man? There is no arguing the fact that sometimes, one get fed up of putting up with a situation but don’t you think, your motive would be suspected now if you leave him after he has taken the task of paying your way through school?
And would you have considered ending the marriage if you two had been married?
This is the juncture you really ask yourself the question you may never have bothered to ask yourself all the years you dated him: what do you really feel for him? There is nothing true love cannot make right. It is what makes sacrifices easy to make in every relationship. He has made and is still making the sacrifice of paying for your empowerment and comfort. What sacrifice are you willing to make for him? Honestly, you can get a lot of your fun back if you really love him. It is a simple matter of looking back to that thing you really like about him. More often than not, we forget to remember those special qualities in our loved ones over the years. This is because we are in the habits of taking our partners, especially, for granted.
He may not be listening to you if you are doing it the wrong way. Sometimes it isn’t what we say that is the issue, but how we say it. You could say what you have been saying for years in a different way and get instant result.
If you have sat him down to discuss what you feel is wrong with your relationship without him changing, why not sit him down to ask what you are doing wrong? Don’t assume or make him feel he is the problem in the relationship. What this does is to immmediately put him on the defensive and very unreceptive to whatever you have to say whereas, if you allow him run away with the impression that you are more to blame, he would not only listen but also admit to his own challenges.
You must learn from this early to build confidence, trust, sacrifices, selflessness and tolerance into your relationship. Between two people, a lot of things can go wrong just as the same things can be put right with the right attitude.
Whatever is the problem, go to your man with a clear mind and focus on taking the relationship beyond this point.
The idea of leaving should come only after you have done everything humanly possible and praying about it.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for being there for us. May the Lord continue to be your strength and give you more wisdom in Jesus name.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for six years. He happens to be the one sponsoring my education.
Recently, he travelled out of the country and has returned.
But since his coming back from his trip, a lot of things have changed concerning his attitude towards our relationship and me. He doesn’t seem to have the time for me anymore. These days, he limits his relationship with me to sex and money.
He doesn’t care if I am happy or not. When he came back, most of his friends and mine told me to get pregnant for him before he travels again. In their opinion, this would make him change his mind about travelling out again.
Can you imagine that he left me at home and went out with his friends? I was so annoyed with him. In fairness, he apologised and promised to take me out during the New Year.
Contrary to what he promised me, he also went out with his friends and when I reminded him of our arrangement to be together on the day, he said he had to keep his promise to his friends to spend the day together. He however promised to be back early. Based on this, I waited for him at home; to my pains he didn’t come, not even to wish me happy New Year on that day.
I am really tired of everything as well as reporting him to his parents. They are always begging me to forgive him, but I noticed that they are incapable of cautioning him on the way he treats me. I have been telling them I cannot cope with his kind of person.
As it is, I am afraid of getting pregnant because of all that I have observed about him.
I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to him, but he simply has refused to change. The situation remains the same.
Please what do I do? I don’t want to offend him because of what we have both been through. When I met him, there was nobody to help me. I am who I am because of his efforts in my life. Despite his attitude towards me, he still cares for me but I am becoming increasingly unhappy because of this attitude of his. Although he trusts me but I want to be happy and don’t deserve what he is doing to me at all.
Betty.
Dear Betty,
You need a lot of patience, attitude of tolerance and understanding to overcome this challenge.
Doubtless, the picture you painted on the surface appears hopeless, but there is always a lesson in every experience we go through in life. The lesson is to help us go into the next stage or class in the school called life.
There is no way you can go into the next stage if you don’t pass the stage you are in now.
Your solution lies in your ability to focus and harmonise every issue involved in your relationship. To get it right, you need to go back to the very beginning for possible clues as to why he is behaving this way. You need to do this urgently to avoid masking the real issues with the wrong colours.
You also have to ask yourself what your real motives are. People don’t change dramatically from who they are overnight. The thing that changes is how people around them feel about them.
To get a clear picture of what is really happening between the two of you begin the perspective from yourself. I must warn of the need for you to be absolutely honest with yourself. The truth you tell or fail to holds the key to your future happiness.
Has he always been like this? If yes, how have you coped with him, and if no, at what point did he change? When did you begin to realise you cannot cope with his behaviour anymore? Importantly, do you really love him for who he is or what you are getting from him? As a matter of fact, have you ever loved him?
Honest answers would help clear a lot of the confusion currently enveloping your relationship. For instance, if he has always been like that, what has changed to make you feel suddenly tired of him and his lifestyle? Is it that you have suddenly realised that after being with him for six years that he has become too complicated a man for you or that you can no longer tolerate his presence in your life?
I am not saying you don’t have the right to terminate the relationship or to complain about his behaviour, far from it, but it is in your interest to be properly focused on your reasons.
If he has changed, don’t just blame him for everything. Ask yourself how you contributed to it. Look at all the things he has complained about your person. If he likes parties, do you? How often has he tried to get you involved in his kind of lifestyle, get you interested in going to the places he likes? How many times have you resisted his gesture to make you comfortable with his friends?
Often we make the mistake of condemning people even before we get to meet them. What efforts have you made to bridge the gap of differences between your persons? A relationship can become so boring if a couple cannot find a point of equilibrium. The fact that he left you at home to enjoy the New Year in the company of his friends tell two stories; either that he finds your company boring or that you have refused to flow with the company of his friends.
No matter how intolerable, you find the behaviour of his friends, the fact that your man seems to like them, means you should try to accommodate them. Making it appear he has to make a choice between you and his friends only complicates things. Even if you think his friends are not good for him, there are ways of putting a distance between them without making it obvious to him.
For all you know, these friends you don’t want him to associate with, may be the ones instigating his new behaviour against you. These friends can deliberately set out to make things difficult between the two of you if they perceive you to be hostile to them. This is why wisdom is required in dealing with issues in every relationship.
Try to make a positive change in the areas you know you are weak. It would go a long way in doing what words, nagging, cannot do.
If he has always been like this, how did you put up with him all these years? Why are you suddenly realising he is a very difficult man? There is no arguing the fact that sometimes, one get fed up of putting up with a situation but don’t you think, your motive would be suspected now if you leave him after he has taken the task of paying your way through school?
And would you have considered ending the marriage if you two had been married?
This is the juncture you really ask yourself the question you may never have bothered to ask yourself all the years you dated him: what do you really feel for him? There is nothing true love cannot make right. It is what makes sacrifices easy to make in every relationship. He has made and is still making the sacrifice of paying for your empowerment and comfort. What sacrifice are you willing to make for him? Honestly, you can get a lot of your fun back if you really love him. It is a simple matter of looking back to that thing you really like about him. More often than not, we forget to remember those special qualities in our loved ones over the years. This is because we are in the habits of taking our partners, especially, for granted.
He may not be listening to you if you are doing it the wrong way. Sometimes it isn’t what we say that is the issue, but how we say it. You could say what you have been saying for years in a different way and get instant result.
If you have sat him down to discuss what you feel is wrong with your relationship without him changing, why not sit him down to ask what you are doing wrong? Don’t assume or make him feel he is the problem in the relationship. What this does is to immmediately put him on the defensive and very unreceptive to whatever you have to say whereas, if you allow him run away with the impression that you are more to blame, he would not only listen but also admit to his own challenges.
You must learn from this early to build confidence, trust, sacrifices, selflessness and tolerance into your relationship. Between two people, a lot of things can go wrong just as the same things can be put right with the right attitude.
Whatever is the problem, go to your man with a clear mind and focus on taking the relationship beyond this point.
The idea of leaving should come only after you have done everything humanly possible and praying about it.
Good luck.
My husband runs to his parents whenever we have problems
With Agatha Edo,Email:,womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for all your efforts at helping people solve their problems. I have one that I want to share with you. I really don’t know what to do. I got married to an old friend I picked from the streets in June last year. We dated for close to three years before we got married.
Because I was pregnant, my parents did everything possible to make us happy irrespective of the fact that his mother didn’t contribute anything to the wedding.
Unfortunately, I lost the baby after the wedding and ever since that day, he and his mother have been misbehaving to the extent he has asked me to go. According to him, the baby that brought us together is gone. I tried but eventually I left, but after a month he called me back; three months on, it has been one problem or the other. If he isn’t accusing my mother of causing the death of my unborn child since she took me to the hospital when he or his mother weren’t ready because according to him, he doesn’t have a job. Whenever we fight, he picks his things and goes over to his mother to stay.
Recently, he accused me of answering calls in the night. He not only beat me as a result of it but picked his things and left for his parents’. When my father called his mother, she lied that she wasn’t in town so I went to his office to ask for the money he owes me since he asked me to leave the house.
He called his mother who in turn called my father, telling him she doesn’t even know if her son and I are really married hence, the need for us to go our separate ways. I have left his house for my parents.
Can I start another relationship because I am bored being alone?
Worried Rose.
Dear Worried Rose,
No matter the challenges your marriage is going through, wisdom demands you apply caution. No marriage is without challenges, sacrifices and sometimes regrets.
You are going through these challenges because you didn’t put things right from inception. People don’t get married because they have to but because they want to. You got married because you got pregnant; not for the reason that you both desired it at that moment. But having done it, you must put in everything to make it work.
A lot of us go through life with so many burdens we can do without. This is often because a lot of us refuse to outgrow our childhood days. We bring so many unnecessary garbage from our youths into our adult lives. Some of the mistakes we make in our adult lives are actually those things we ignorantly thought were right for us, the mistakes of our parents and all the adults that had one thing or the other to do in our lives.
The burden of your marriage began the moment you and your husband accepted to take on the burdens of your sets of parents marriages. None of you bothered to investigate the failures of your own parents’ marriages, instead you allowed them infect your lives with what issues they have been battling with in their own marriages which you and your husband know but were too blind by affections to see.
Honestly, there is no way you can both move beyond this point in your marriage if you and your husband don’t move out of the control of your set of parents.
In addition, you need wisdom to overcome the overbearing influence of a mother-in-law.
You have made the first major mistake of not knowing the nature of your husband before getting married to him; don’t make another costly mistake of ending this marriage without x-raying precisely what you feel for him. Granted things are not too good between both of you now but, if left on your own to follow your own way by your parents, things will turn out differently.
This is why you need to exercise some patience for now at least until you are sure of what you really feel for your man and marriage.
This is the point you ask yourself some important questions; did you ever love him that much to marry him in the first place? Would you have married him if it hadn’t been for the pregnancy in the first place?
If the baby was the reason for the marriage; what do you feel now for him? Do you think you have the emotional stamina to make things work between the two of you if given the chance? As a matter of fact, how deep is your love for this man?
There is also the matter of your perception of him. In your mail, you said you picked him from the streets. This kind of attitude gets one into trouble because once you think it, you unknowingly begin to act in such a way that the other person is made to feel inferior. If this is the case, there is no way your husband or his family can be comfortable with that kind of attitude from you or your family.
In the first place, it was wrong of your parents to completely take on the wedding expenses. No matter how much money they have, they should have allowed him contribute something to the wedding after all, it was also his wedding. Doubtless, your parents meant well, and thought they were doing you and your man a favour but experience should have taught them that in matters concerning marriages and in-laws, caution should be applied to avoid wrong interpretation of one’s motives.
As the case is now, your in-laws are misrepresenting the offer of your parents to sponsor the wedding to mean you would dominate their son. Perhaps the opposition to your marriage wouldn’t have been this stiff if your parents had left the two of you to manage your problem, when you got pregnant.
Sponsoring the wedding looked to your in-laws as an act of desperation; one done to make them appear inadequate as well as inferior. There was no way they wouldn’t have sourced money from friends or relations if they had approved of you in the first place. Telling you and your family they don’t have money was to show their lack of support for your relationship with their son. This is the issue your parents should have tackled instantly instead of paying for the wedding expenses.
The fact that they failed to act where and when they should, contributed to the problem you are having with your husband. As it is, if you want to have peace in your marriage, it is high time you took responsibility for your actions. There is no marriage in life that is free of problems. The difference between successful and failed marriages is the extra efforts we put into it.
If you end this marriage on account of the issues you are having with your husband, would you also run away when problems come in your new relationship?
Problems are meant to be solved, so learn to tackle the one you have in your marriage now to avoid greater problems in future. Begin by praying for your husband; he needs your support now more than ever before.
It isn’t normal for a man to pack from his home to his parents’ whenever there is a disagreement between him and his wife. This is the point you begin your prayers from. It is important you stand in the gap for him.
This is in addition to changing your attitude because there are things that need practical solutions which prayers cannot change. Do a check of all the things and ways you are a problem in your marriage. Granted, your husband may have his own problems but only a wise woman knows how to bend her home to success.
Overtime, with the right attitude, your in-laws would come to see the goodness in you and accept you for who you are.
It takes patience and wisdom to win the toughest of marital problems.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for all your efforts at helping people solve their problems. I have one that I want to share with you. I really don’t know what to do. I got married to an old friend I picked from the streets in June last year. We dated for close to three years before we got married.
Because I was pregnant, my parents did everything possible to make us happy irrespective of the fact that his mother didn’t contribute anything to the wedding.
Unfortunately, I lost the baby after the wedding and ever since that day, he and his mother have been misbehaving to the extent he has asked me to go. According to him, the baby that brought us together is gone. I tried but eventually I left, but after a month he called me back; three months on, it has been one problem or the other. If he isn’t accusing my mother of causing the death of my unborn child since she took me to the hospital when he or his mother weren’t ready because according to him, he doesn’t have a job. Whenever we fight, he picks his things and goes over to his mother to stay.
Recently, he accused me of answering calls in the night. He not only beat me as a result of it but picked his things and left for his parents’. When my father called his mother, she lied that she wasn’t in town so I went to his office to ask for the money he owes me since he asked me to leave the house.
He called his mother who in turn called my father, telling him she doesn’t even know if her son and I are really married hence, the need for us to go our separate ways. I have left his house for my parents.
Can I start another relationship because I am bored being alone?
Worried Rose.
Dear Worried Rose,
No matter the challenges your marriage is going through, wisdom demands you apply caution. No marriage is without challenges, sacrifices and sometimes regrets.
You are going through these challenges because you didn’t put things right from inception. People don’t get married because they have to but because they want to. You got married because you got pregnant; not for the reason that you both desired it at that moment. But having done it, you must put in everything to make it work.
A lot of us go through life with so many burdens we can do without. This is often because a lot of us refuse to outgrow our childhood days. We bring so many unnecessary garbage from our youths into our adult lives. Some of the mistakes we make in our adult lives are actually those things we ignorantly thought were right for us, the mistakes of our parents and all the adults that had one thing or the other to do in our lives.
The burden of your marriage began the moment you and your husband accepted to take on the burdens of your sets of parents marriages. None of you bothered to investigate the failures of your own parents’ marriages, instead you allowed them infect your lives with what issues they have been battling with in their own marriages which you and your husband know but were too blind by affections to see.
Honestly, there is no way you can both move beyond this point in your marriage if you and your husband don’t move out of the control of your set of parents.
In addition, you need wisdom to overcome the overbearing influence of a mother-in-law.
You have made the first major mistake of not knowing the nature of your husband before getting married to him; don’t make another costly mistake of ending this marriage without x-raying precisely what you feel for him. Granted things are not too good between both of you now but, if left on your own to follow your own way by your parents, things will turn out differently.
This is why you need to exercise some patience for now at least until you are sure of what you really feel for your man and marriage.
This is the point you ask yourself some important questions; did you ever love him that much to marry him in the first place? Would you have married him if it hadn’t been for the pregnancy in the first place?
If the baby was the reason for the marriage; what do you feel now for him? Do you think you have the emotional stamina to make things work between the two of you if given the chance? As a matter of fact, how deep is your love for this man?
There is also the matter of your perception of him. In your mail, you said you picked him from the streets. This kind of attitude gets one into trouble because once you think it, you unknowingly begin to act in such a way that the other person is made to feel inferior. If this is the case, there is no way your husband or his family can be comfortable with that kind of attitude from you or your family.
In the first place, it was wrong of your parents to completely take on the wedding expenses. No matter how much money they have, they should have allowed him contribute something to the wedding after all, it was also his wedding. Doubtless, your parents meant well, and thought they were doing you and your man a favour but experience should have taught them that in matters concerning marriages and in-laws, caution should be applied to avoid wrong interpretation of one’s motives.
As the case is now, your in-laws are misrepresenting the offer of your parents to sponsor the wedding to mean you would dominate their son. Perhaps the opposition to your marriage wouldn’t have been this stiff if your parents had left the two of you to manage your problem, when you got pregnant.
Sponsoring the wedding looked to your in-laws as an act of desperation; one done to make them appear inadequate as well as inferior. There was no way they wouldn’t have sourced money from friends or relations if they had approved of you in the first place. Telling you and your family they don’t have money was to show their lack of support for your relationship with their son. This is the issue your parents should have tackled instantly instead of paying for the wedding expenses.
The fact that they failed to act where and when they should, contributed to the problem you are having with your husband. As it is, if you want to have peace in your marriage, it is high time you took responsibility for your actions. There is no marriage in life that is free of problems. The difference between successful and failed marriages is the extra efforts we put into it.
If you end this marriage on account of the issues you are having with your husband, would you also run away when problems come in your new relationship?
Problems are meant to be solved, so learn to tackle the one you have in your marriage now to avoid greater problems in future. Begin by praying for your husband; he needs your support now more than ever before.
It isn’t normal for a man to pack from his home to his parents’ whenever there is a disagreement between him and his wife. This is the point you begin your prayers from. It is important you stand in the gap for him.
This is in addition to changing your attitude because there are things that need practical solutions which prayers cannot change. Do a check of all the things and ways you are a problem in your marriage. Granted, your husband may have his own problems but only a wise woman knows how to bend her home to success.
Overtime, with the right attitude, your in-laws would come to see the goodness in you and accept you for who you are.
It takes patience and wisdom to win the toughest of marital problems.
Good luck.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Lonely Heart
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Many thanks for your free public service; for the help to many in affliction. May Allah continue to guide you aright through Jesus Christ’s name. Amen.
Please, I would like to marry any widow between below 38 years who is really a servant of God from any faith; Christian, Islam or any other religion.
Such woman must be educated and hardworking. I don’t mind if she has children previously or not. Her tribe or nationality is not a problem, but let any woman who will reply first seek the face of God.
I am happily married with children but needs this widow as a wife so that her children could be raised to God’s glory. Let such woman write me. capitalgen@yahooo.com.
Israel Umar.
Dear Israel Umar,
Ordinarily, I should ignore this mail but I decided to publish it to enable me respond to the content of your letter as well as correct whatever wrong impression you have of our work here.
First and foremost, it is important you know that we take our work here very seriously and that any problem brought before us is considered serious to be entrusted to God solutions which makes the content of your letter rather confusing. In the first place, marriage is a lot more serious than you think. Being married you should know this fact that marriage isn’t just about what a man or woman feels, but about its workability as well as the feelings of the other person.
What do you hope to achieve by advertising for another wife when you have an existing marriage? Importantly how do you view marriage? Do you consider it as just one of those things adults do without planning for it and knowing the implications of an action?
You ask for a woman from any kind of religion. Meaning you aren’t bothered about the kind of woman you bring into your home or her mission in your life. While we are not in a position to determine the kind of life you want, it is important however since you have involved us in your desire to point out to you that certain challenges in life are best avoided.
No matter what you think of your current marriage, it is a choice you made hence must have the necessary patience, tolerance and right attitude to pilot it well.
Marriage is a journey of thorns and sweetness. These two go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other hence a man bringing a woman into his life must have considered so many things before embarking on the journey.
Marriage is also about contentment as well as honesty. The same reasons you are asking for another woman to come to your life will always present itself from time to time. Would you on account of that decide to marry another woman?
And, aren’t forgetting your responsibility to your children? Do you have enough to care for your children before considering taking on another man’s burden? What are the kinds of investments you have to care for another man’s child or children? What if the woman you are planning to add to your life has more than the number of your children, how do you plan to cope?
Besides, if you are a Christian like your name, Israel, suggests, you should know that the Bible frowns at polygamy. Even in religions that favour polygamy, the women really don’t cherish the idea of sharing their husbands with another woman.
And if a man must bring in another wife, the consent and approval of the woman at home must be gotten.
Whatever religion you are, it behooves you to put the fear of God before any other consideration.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Many thanks for your free public service; for the help to many in affliction. May Allah continue to guide you aright through Jesus Christ’s name. Amen.
Please, I would like to marry any widow between below 38 years who is really a servant of God from any faith; Christian, Islam or any other religion.
Such woman must be educated and hardworking. I don’t mind if she has children previously or not. Her tribe or nationality is not a problem, but let any woman who will reply first seek the face of God.
I am happily married with children but needs this widow as a wife so that her children could be raised to God’s glory. Let such woman write me. capitalgen@yahooo.com.
Israel Umar.
Dear Israel Umar,
Ordinarily, I should ignore this mail but I decided to publish it to enable me respond to the content of your letter as well as correct whatever wrong impression you have of our work here.
First and foremost, it is important you know that we take our work here very seriously and that any problem brought before us is considered serious to be entrusted to God solutions which makes the content of your letter rather confusing. In the first place, marriage is a lot more serious than you think. Being married you should know this fact that marriage isn’t just about what a man or woman feels, but about its workability as well as the feelings of the other person.
What do you hope to achieve by advertising for another wife when you have an existing marriage? Importantly how do you view marriage? Do you consider it as just one of those things adults do without planning for it and knowing the implications of an action?
You ask for a woman from any kind of religion. Meaning you aren’t bothered about the kind of woman you bring into your home or her mission in your life. While we are not in a position to determine the kind of life you want, it is important however since you have involved us in your desire to point out to you that certain challenges in life are best avoided.
No matter what you think of your current marriage, it is a choice you made hence must have the necessary patience, tolerance and right attitude to pilot it well.
Marriage is a journey of thorns and sweetness. These two go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other hence a man bringing a woman into his life must have considered so many things before embarking on the journey.
Marriage is also about contentment as well as honesty. The same reasons you are asking for another woman to come to your life will always present itself from time to time. Would you on account of that decide to marry another woman?
And, aren’t forgetting your responsibility to your children? Do you have enough to care for your children before considering taking on another man’s burden? What are the kinds of investments you have to care for another man’s child or children? What if the woman you are planning to add to your life has more than the number of your children, how do you plan to cope?
Besides, if you are a Christian like your name, Israel, suggests, you should know that the Bible frowns at polygamy. Even in religions that favour polygamy, the women really don’t cherish the idea of sharing their husbands with another woman.
And if a man must bring in another wife, the consent and approval of the woman at home must be gotten.
Whatever religion you are, it behooves you to put the fear of God before any other consideration.
Good luck.
I’m not ready; can she go for another man?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your immeasurable advice and solutions to people with relationship problems, I pray God will also help you in solving your own problems.
I have a problem that needs your attention. I have a girlfriend; we have been together for four years now and thanks to God, have been able to abstain from sex all these years.
I just graduated while she is in her final year, even though she is a year older than I’m 23 years of age. We love each other very much that people around us think I am very much older than she is because she accords me my due respect as a man. But the problem now is, she does not want to accept the many suitors coming her way, because of me. I love her and would want to marry her but the reality on ground may not favour this. What if after national service I am unable to procure a job to provide the right financial platform for me to execute my plans to marry her? Would she be able to wait for me to be ready?
The issue is, do I advise her to marry one of her suitors? I will appreciate your advice. Thanks and wishing you compliment of the season.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
If you both have been together for four years, this is an issue you can both discuss as frankly as possible.
You have to make her understand your fears for her future, putting special emphasis on her age and the biological lifespan of a woman’s life. While at it, be honest enough to also tell her what your own fears are as well as the details of what your real plans for the future is. For instance, let her have the idea of when you really desire to marry as a man. This is because as a man you have things you must put in place before thinking of settling down. And unless you come from a very rich family and pressure is on you to marry urgently, at 23, you are still very far from being ready to marry as a man. Whereas, at 24, she is almost ready for marriage. One thing is to be in love another thing is to be realistic about certain things in life. Once she graduates and serves, pressure would be on her to marry.
It is when she gets to that junction, that she or you would know if she has what it takes to wait for you or go with another man who is ready.
This is because, the journey of marriage goes beyond what both of you perceive it to be. It is a long journey of ups and downs, of choices, sometimes very critical and tough ones; it is also about doing the right thing at the right time.
Even though marriage begins with the seed of sentiments, it becomes a journey of reality as the days go by.
At 24, how long can she afford to wait for you? What kind of sacrifice is she ready to make for the relationship? This is one choice she has to make on her own without any help from you because it is more about her happiness than yours.
By laying the cards face-up before her, you give her the rare chance of choosing the path she is most comfortable with.
Beyond this, you must also ask yourself this question; how do you really feel about the age difference between the two of you? It may never have bothered you as boyfriend but now that you are at the juncture of making the relationship permanent, how do you really feel about marrying a woman older than you? You may not have on the surface considered it important, but deep in your heart, it may be.
This is because no man, no matter how bleak the future appears to be would willingly encourage the woman he claims to be in love with to consider the proposal of another man.
In all these, both of you have to be truthful about your desires as well as your plans for the future.
If at the end of the day, she feels she cannot wait for your plans to mature, lacks the necessary patience to appreciate the situation you both found yourselves in, let her go. But if after having this talk with her, she agrees to wait for you to be ready, allow her be.
Once she makes up her mind to wait for you, don’t try to persuade her against it in order not to hurt her and insult the love she has for you.
There is no risk a woman in love cannot take, as long as the man in her life is very honest with her. Discussing it is to ensure both of you don’t feel the pains of regrets later in life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your immeasurable advice and solutions to people with relationship problems, I pray God will also help you in solving your own problems.
I have a problem that needs your attention. I have a girlfriend; we have been together for four years now and thanks to God, have been able to abstain from sex all these years.
I just graduated while she is in her final year, even though she is a year older than I’m 23 years of age. We love each other very much that people around us think I am very much older than she is because she accords me my due respect as a man. But the problem now is, she does not want to accept the many suitors coming her way, because of me. I love her and would want to marry her but the reality on ground may not favour this. What if after national service I am unable to procure a job to provide the right financial platform for me to execute my plans to marry her? Would she be able to wait for me to be ready?
The issue is, do I advise her to marry one of her suitors? I will appreciate your advice. Thanks and wishing you compliment of the season.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
If you both have been together for four years, this is an issue you can both discuss as frankly as possible.
You have to make her understand your fears for her future, putting special emphasis on her age and the biological lifespan of a woman’s life. While at it, be honest enough to also tell her what your own fears are as well as the details of what your real plans for the future is. For instance, let her have the idea of when you really desire to marry as a man. This is because as a man you have things you must put in place before thinking of settling down. And unless you come from a very rich family and pressure is on you to marry urgently, at 23, you are still very far from being ready to marry as a man. Whereas, at 24, she is almost ready for marriage. One thing is to be in love another thing is to be realistic about certain things in life. Once she graduates and serves, pressure would be on her to marry.
It is when she gets to that junction, that she or you would know if she has what it takes to wait for you or go with another man who is ready.
This is because, the journey of marriage goes beyond what both of you perceive it to be. It is a long journey of ups and downs, of choices, sometimes very critical and tough ones; it is also about doing the right thing at the right time.
Even though marriage begins with the seed of sentiments, it becomes a journey of reality as the days go by.
At 24, how long can she afford to wait for you? What kind of sacrifice is she ready to make for the relationship? This is one choice she has to make on her own without any help from you because it is more about her happiness than yours.
By laying the cards face-up before her, you give her the rare chance of choosing the path she is most comfortable with.
Beyond this, you must also ask yourself this question; how do you really feel about the age difference between the two of you? It may never have bothered you as boyfriend but now that you are at the juncture of making the relationship permanent, how do you really feel about marrying a woman older than you? You may not have on the surface considered it important, but deep in your heart, it may be.
This is because no man, no matter how bleak the future appears to be would willingly encourage the woman he claims to be in love with to consider the proposal of another man.
In all these, both of you have to be truthful about your desires as well as your plans for the future.
If at the end of the day, she feels she cannot wait for your plans to mature, lacks the necessary patience to appreciate the situation you both found yourselves in, let her go. But if after having this talk with her, she agrees to wait for you to be ready, allow her be.
Once she makes up her mind to wait for you, don’t try to persuade her against it in order not to hurt her and insult the love she has for you.
There is no risk a woman in love cannot take, as long as the man in her life is very honest with her. Discussing it is to ensure both of you don’t feel the pains of regrets later in life.
Good luck.
Dad divorced mum, even all her children…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I’m an ardent reader of your column and have garnered so much wisdom from it.
My parents have been separated for quite a long time, as a matter of fact, over a decade ago. I’m the eldest of my siblings and over 40 years of age. I concluded my degree in History and International Studies; made a second class lower, contrary to my expectation. I had expected a first class because I have always shone it to the envy of fellow students.
My daddy has gone away with another woman, though they are also separated now. But before this woman came into the scene, my father has had several women in his life while married to my mother.
You see my father happens to be the domineering type. Because I am very quiet, my father considers me as upright. My siblings are bursting with envy. On the contrary, my mother and siblings are at a loggerhead with my father. Most often, the source of their squabbles comes from my immediate younger brother’s obduracy as well as his refusal to go to school. While staying with our eldest sibling, not only became unmanagable but also started selling off some of their belongings. He also refused to be educated even though my eldest sister was willing to send him to school. At the end of the day, she put him into Police custody. He has also gotten many women pregnant.
He isn’t the only one giving the family problems. While another brother of mine is as reckless as he is, one of my sisters married herself, without the consent or knowledge of my father, to a pastor who is separated from his wife.
All efforts by me to reconcile all parties have proved abortive. For reasons best known to my siblings, they don’t like me; they make cutting remarks about me that really hurt. Sincerely, I would have preferred to stay with my father but it is no longer feasible.
I tried to make peace with my father but ended up in him inviting the Police and warnings that I should stay away from him. I tried to get his elder brother involved, but that too didn’t go well as he too warned me to stay away from his brother and the family.
Recently, I went with some non-relatives; a family friend and pastor, but it also didn’t work. Despite my father’s age, he is still very strong. He kept shouting that I am a thief who has come to rob him of his property.
He subsequently packed out of the house when my younger brother sold off his bus, motorcycle and other things. I am worried because most of my siblings are really behaving badly.
I’m keen on making peace with him before he dies. I used to be nearest to his heart. I don’t know what manner of reconciliation to appropriate. He has an unforgiving spirit; my mother has developed hypertension.
Bernete.
Dear Bernete,
We get hurt more by those we consider closest to us. Your father is deeply hurt because he invested so much faith in you more than the others. His disappointment comes from the attitude of your siblings; their attitude as well as resolve to be reckless. The fact that you appear to be in their support left him on his own, underscores his pains and rejection of you.
Try putting yourself in his position, how would you feel if after working so hard in your life to acquire certain level of comfort, your children waste them through careless and criminal living?
No matter what your father has done, it is wrong for your brothers to sell of his belongings.
The fact that all your mother’s children are following a certain way of behaviour underscores the kind of training your mother gave you all. It is one thing for a father to be bad but another thing completely for a mother not to know her onion at all.
A wise woman doesn’t allow the inability or defect of her husband stop her from moulding her children right. Her inability to perform her role effectively is the reason you are all suffering.
That your father left her to marry another woman isn’t enough excuse for her not to give you all the right bearing in life. At least from your explanations, your father didn’t stop caring for you all. His interest in your education paints him as a father on the look out for the future of his children.
If it were only one of your siblings that were misbehaving, your mother would have been excused but almost all of them? It can only mean one thing, that your mother through her behaviour drove your father into the arms of other women.
The pains of your father comes from the thought that at least one of you, especially you, should have seen the contributions of your mother to the breakdown of the marriage; called your mother to order and insist on her doing the right things. The fact that you all appear to be on the side of your mother actually went with her and making him appear as the problem in the marriage hurt him more than you all realised.
It couldn’t have been easy for him at all. His attitude towards you could also come from the things you said or didn’t say. For his brother too to be hostile towards you underscores something terrible you may have also done. It couldn’t have been easy for him to bear the guilt and blame of the two of them.
Honestly, there is no one that can settle this but you. Being close to him, you must find a way of getting him to listen to you, of making him open up his heart to you all over again. If it means staying at his doorsteps everyday, do it. Let him understand that whatever mistakes he thinks you made was done with a child’s mind. That at the time he left your mother, you too were hurt at the lack of his presence in your daily life.
No matter how hard hearted he is, there must be one person somewhere in his life who can talk to him. Get that person to talk to him or his brother who he seems close to. Explain the urgency you feel in making peace with him. Tell them that while you are not wishing him to die so soon, your desire however is to ensure that you make peace with him before he answers the final call. This explanation is important for them to understand why you are suddenly interested in making peace. Your father must know that your interest is not in his property but in his well being and relationship with you. because of his experiences with your siblings, he may be naturally suspicious of your motive in wanting to get back into his life. a man that has been disappointed severally will find it difficult to recognise a good gesture when he finds it. the thing is for you to go all the extra miles to make him see how you really feel.
There must be a reason for the decision you took to follow your mother. Let them know why you didn’t immediately go with him as well as your own pains too as a child.
For a man like your father, you must also learn to pray. When a heart is as hard and pained like his, only God has what it takes to bend him. by praying for him, you are helping him make amends too. Just like you need his forgiveness, he also has to make peace with is God and every other person.
It is also necessary for you to get your mother involved in all these. Don’t forget she laid the foundation for all these mess. She has to be involved in its cleaning. Both of them go a long way back and know what it takes to get the other to listen.
When some men hate a woman, they automatically hate her children too. She has to make that essential sacrifice to ensure that your father doesn’t take his hatred of you all to his grave. This is very important because other interests are also involved in his life.
It is the only way to ensure whatever bad seed she has planted now doesn’t go into the next generation. She must be ready to make that important sacrifice that would insure the rest of your lives.
Going to her husband and in-laws to plead would make it easier for you to have access into your father’s life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I’m an ardent reader of your column and have garnered so much wisdom from it.
My parents have been separated for quite a long time, as a matter of fact, over a decade ago. I’m the eldest of my siblings and over 40 years of age. I concluded my degree in History and International Studies; made a second class lower, contrary to my expectation. I had expected a first class because I have always shone it to the envy of fellow students.
My daddy has gone away with another woman, though they are also separated now. But before this woman came into the scene, my father has had several women in his life while married to my mother.
You see my father happens to be the domineering type. Because I am very quiet, my father considers me as upright. My siblings are bursting with envy. On the contrary, my mother and siblings are at a loggerhead with my father. Most often, the source of their squabbles comes from my immediate younger brother’s obduracy as well as his refusal to go to school. While staying with our eldest sibling, not only became unmanagable but also started selling off some of their belongings. He also refused to be educated even though my eldest sister was willing to send him to school. At the end of the day, she put him into Police custody. He has also gotten many women pregnant.
He isn’t the only one giving the family problems. While another brother of mine is as reckless as he is, one of my sisters married herself, without the consent or knowledge of my father, to a pastor who is separated from his wife.
All efforts by me to reconcile all parties have proved abortive. For reasons best known to my siblings, they don’t like me; they make cutting remarks about me that really hurt. Sincerely, I would have preferred to stay with my father but it is no longer feasible.
I tried to make peace with my father but ended up in him inviting the Police and warnings that I should stay away from him. I tried to get his elder brother involved, but that too didn’t go well as he too warned me to stay away from his brother and the family.
Recently, I went with some non-relatives; a family friend and pastor, but it also didn’t work. Despite my father’s age, he is still very strong. He kept shouting that I am a thief who has come to rob him of his property.
He subsequently packed out of the house when my younger brother sold off his bus, motorcycle and other things. I am worried because most of my siblings are really behaving badly.
I’m keen on making peace with him before he dies. I used to be nearest to his heart. I don’t know what manner of reconciliation to appropriate. He has an unforgiving spirit; my mother has developed hypertension.
Bernete.
Dear Bernete,
We get hurt more by those we consider closest to us. Your father is deeply hurt because he invested so much faith in you more than the others. His disappointment comes from the attitude of your siblings; their attitude as well as resolve to be reckless. The fact that you appear to be in their support left him on his own, underscores his pains and rejection of you.
Try putting yourself in his position, how would you feel if after working so hard in your life to acquire certain level of comfort, your children waste them through careless and criminal living?
No matter what your father has done, it is wrong for your brothers to sell of his belongings.
The fact that all your mother’s children are following a certain way of behaviour underscores the kind of training your mother gave you all. It is one thing for a father to be bad but another thing completely for a mother not to know her onion at all.
A wise woman doesn’t allow the inability or defect of her husband stop her from moulding her children right. Her inability to perform her role effectively is the reason you are all suffering.
That your father left her to marry another woman isn’t enough excuse for her not to give you all the right bearing in life. At least from your explanations, your father didn’t stop caring for you all. His interest in your education paints him as a father on the look out for the future of his children.
If it were only one of your siblings that were misbehaving, your mother would have been excused but almost all of them? It can only mean one thing, that your mother through her behaviour drove your father into the arms of other women.
The pains of your father comes from the thought that at least one of you, especially you, should have seen the contributions of your mother to the breakdown of the marriage; called your mother to order and insist on her doing the right things. The fact that you all appear to be on the side of your mother actually went with her and making him appear as the problem in the marriage hurt him more than you all realised.
It couldn’t have been easy for him at all. His attitude towards you could also come from the things you said or didn’t say. For his brother too to be hostile towards you underscores something terrible you may have also done. It couldn’t have been easy for him to bear the guilt and blame of the two of them.
Honestly, there is no one that can settle this but you. Being close to him, you must find a way of getting him to listen to you, of making him open up his heart to you all over again. If it means staying at his doorsteps everyday, do it. Let him understand that whatever mistakes he thinks you made was done with a child’s mind. That at the time he left your mother, you too were hurt at the lack of his presence in your daily life.
No matter how hard hearted he is, there must be one person somewhere in his life who can talk to him. Get that person to talk to him or his brother who he seems close to. Explain the urgency you feel in making peace with him. Tell them that while you are not wishing him to die so soon, your desire however is to ensure that you make peace with him before he answers the final call. This explanation is important for them to understand why you are suddenly interested in making peace. Your father must know that your interest is not in his property but in his well being and relationship with you. because of his experiences with your siblings, he may be naturally suspicious of your motive in wanting to get back into his life. a man that has been disappointed severally will find it difficult to recognise a good gesture when he finds it. the thing is for you to go all the extra miles to make him see how you really feel.
There must be a reason for the decision you took to follow your mother. Let them know why you didn’t immediately go with him as well as your own pains too as a child.
For a man like your father, you must also learn to pray. When a heart is as hard and pained like his, only God has what it takes to bend him. by praying for him, you are helping him make amends too. Just like you need his forgiveness, he also has to make peace with is God and every other person.
It is also necessary for you to get your mother involved in all these. Don’t forget she laid the foundation for all these mess. She has to be involved in its cleaning. Both of them go a long way back and know what it takes to get the other to listen.
When some men hate a woman, they automatically hate her children too. She has to make that essential sacrifice to ensure that your father doesn’t take his hatred of you all to his grave. This is very important because other interests are also involved in his life.
It is the only way to ensure whatever bad seed she has planted now doesn’t go into the next generation. She must be ready to make that important sacrifice that would insure the rest of your lives.
Going to her husband and in-laws to plead would make it easier for you to have access into your father’s life.
Good luck.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Must we tag sex heresy for discourse?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I pray you are able to handle my problem like you did to others. I have the challenge of inability to open up to people easily. I discovered this in adolescent years.
I noticed that people react by branding me a moral misfit anytime I voice my opinion on any issue.
This attitude of my friends who were as a matter of fact my Christian brothers forced me to enter into a deeper relationship with God. At a point, I felt like the only one needing repentance among so many people who were born-again.
Having made up my mind to remain with God, I felt no need to have anything to do with those brethren or anyone else.
Unfortunately, another problem has emerged from this. It has to do with my sexuality. I am so nervous in front of girls. I don’t even know how to relate with them. I am easily emotional with each one that comes.
This is made complex by my habit of impulsive reaching out to anyone I am having a conversation with. This is irrespective of the gender of the person I am having the conversation with. I have been so affected by this condition to the point I find it difficult being myself when conversing with another person for fear of condemnation.
Agatha, I am a free minded person not afraid to embrace any subject including sex for discussion. But this is the very essence of me that gets condemned by others.
I have met girls who are bold to discuss the sensitive matter of sex, which I cannot discuss so openly. They do it without guilt.
The subject of my sexuality and sex generally intrigues me. I thirst for information about it as well as passing the information through discussion to other.
My motives are clean without guilt, but people make me feel guilty for something I don’t want to feel guilty about.
How can I handle this knotty, but important discourse, which unfortunately the church itself is shy to handle?
Why are parents uncomfortable talking about it with their children? Agatha, why are my fellowship brethren condemning me? Why did God create it if it is so abominable?
Please, don’t get me wrong. I don’t encourage fornication and adultery, but I think this silence is the greatest threat to sexual sanity. Children can’t even talk about it with their parents. All we have are ill experienced friends to discuss the subject with.
Now to my question, is there anything shameful about sex as a subject of discussion? When I ventured to talk to my mother about my feelings for my best friend who is a girl, she was outraged. She told me the girl must have bewitched me and that she is also trying to deceive me.
Agatha, my mother talked as if she never experienced adolescence. Many of our parents forget that they were once like us and went through the challenge of all the confusing sexual experiences we are going through now.
They forget they also had pressures that can destroy if not properly handled .Our sexuality is destroying us today and your advice would not help only me but many other youths as well.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
I understand and feel your sentiments more than you can imagine. Growing up with parents, especially a mother who though educated, a teacher; forbade us from broaching the subject of sex, kept us in the dark about something as basic as menstrual flow. I know where you are coming from.
Then I didn’t understand all the fuss about it or why someone that educated refused to be drawn into discussing the changes going on in her children’s bodies particularly the girls.
Like you, I also couldn’t comprehend the attitude of the church or all the holiness going on around me, but one incident happened that helped me to focus my life properly. It helped realised that irrespective of what people were saying about themselves or values, what remains most important is what you thought of yourself.
This happened when one of the tormentors of our liberal attitudes got pregnant. She was the leader of the Scripture Union (SU) then. She made the rest of us felt like devils incarnate. I, being one of the most mischievous, was always getting into her wrong side and being two years my senior, was in the position to deal with me but for my privileged position as one of the most loved and brilliant students of the school.
She got pregnant in her final year and had to sit for her school certificate examination as an external student.
From that point, I refused to abide with the opinions others have of me preferring to listen to my own conscience in everything I did.
It was a freedom so sweet because it enabled me to grow up with the knowledge that nobody but me can gate-keep my morals.
With this came the confidence to speak out on my sexuality. I didn’t care what name people called me, but I made sure I got my mother as well as all the adults to listen to me. My father remains the most liberal, because when I became a thorn on his flesh, he would order my mother to play her role.
Over the years, I have come to understand the unease adults feel about sex. The delicate nature of sex makes it so. Because children have different attitudes and perspective to issues, adopting a broad based approach may not be a very wise thing for children who are only looking for a reason to do what they had always wanted to do.
But this is not to say that basic information should not be given to each child. It is part of the rights of a child to be told early in life about sex, its reason and attendant pains when done out of time. The facts should be made bare to a child to enable him or her appreciate the enormous responsibility attached to the act of sex.
If information were given from the right source a lot of mistakes would be avoided, because every child comes with a dream of being great and of taking charge of things around. Irrespective of whether the dream has a universal or local flavour or not, one thing is paramount to the nascent mind of a child, that of being able to succeed in life.
And if at that early age, parents, schools as well as the churches form alliance to help the child stay focused by pointing out the dangers of premarital sex, not the ‘don’t do’ syllabus, but through discussions with the aid of real life stories of dreams that died prematurely due to early sex, girls especially would learn to gate-keep properly.
That a child is curious about sex doesn’t make the child morally bankrupt; rather it shows a deep understanding of changes going on inside the body as well as an awareness of something very fundamental in the society all around.
Sex is the biggest and fastest selling brands in the world. So trying to shield the child from it is a vast waste of time hence the need for both churches and parents to adopt new strategies towards it.
The refusal of parents or spiritual leaders to talk about it won’t make the longing and desire to have sex among youths go away. Rather, this conspiracy of silence only makes children more determined to damn the consequences. For this reason, parents especially in Africa must begin to rethink their attitude and allow their children the privilege of knowing what life has in store for them because whether they like it or not, the child would someday know about it.
The thinking that discussing sex enhances promiscuity is neither here nor there. A child that would be promiscuous doesn’t need information from the parents to do it. Sex is a very cheap commodity and information concerning it commonplace. The only worry is the quality of the market place information the child gets. Besides, who is the one giving the child the information? What experience has such a person to earn the exalted position of a teacher or counsellor?
I agree that keeping quiet is dangerous and exposes the child to more harm than good. If you are not getting the required help from your parents, force them by pointing the obvious to them, getting the information from the streets.
Now matter how difficult a parent is, the idea of his or her child getting information on sexuality from the streets frightens enough to make the parent have a change of mind.
Parents get away with it because youths refuse to exercise their rights as well as bow to emotional blackmails of parents who in their bid to hide their discomfort about sex, hide behind the façade of morality not to talk.
However manner of approach is important. From my own experiences as a child and mother, youths would gain more by beginning the discourse with a gentle approach. Arrest your parents’ concern by telling them of the changes you are feeling.
Youths should adopt the approach of perplexity when broaching the topic with their parents. They should appeal for understanding of the things they notice in their bodies, but which they don’t understand its essence.
Help to make sense of why their bodies are beginning to react in a particular way to one person, why their voices are changing, why they are experiencing mood swings, why the girls are bleeding from their private parts, filling out in their breasts and hips areas.
When it comes to information, youths should not stereotype.
If mothers are not willing to talk, approach the fathers. There is nothing about each other’s body dad or mum doesn’t know.
In worship places, they should ask probing questions that signify their desperation for information. Anytime adults read out the dos and don’ts of the adult world, youths should be bold enough to ask why these rules must be obeyed. It is the only way they can get everybody to pay attention to them.
They should make adults around them realise asking questions about their sexuality doesn’t translate to a desire to do it, but a right to be informed which comes with awareness of habits and things to avoid.
Above all, youths should begin early to trust God by learning all about His ways. It is the only way they can earn the respect of all adults.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I pray you are able to handle my problem like you did to others. I have the challenge of inability to open up to people easily. I discovered this in adolescent years.
I noticed that people react by branding me a moral misfit anytime I voice my opinion on any issue.
This attitude of my friends who were as a matter of fact my Christian brothers forced me to enter into a deeper relationship with God. At a point, I felt like the only one needing repentance among so many people who were born-again.
Having made up my mind to remain with God, I felt no need to have anything to do with those brethren or anyone else.
Unfortunately, another problem has emerged from this. It has to do with my sexuality. I am so nervous in front of girls. I don’t even know how to relate with them. I am easily emotional with each one that comes.
This is made complex by my habit of impulsive reaching out to anyone I am having a conversation with. This is irrespective of the gender of the person I am having the conversation with. I have been so affected by this condition to the point I find it difficult being myself when conversing with another person for fear of condemnation.
Agatha, I am a free minded person not afraid to embrace any subject including sex for discussion. But this is the very essence of me that gets condemned by others.
I have met girls who are bold to discuss the sensitive matter of sex, which I cannot discuss so openly. They do it without guilt.
The subject of my sexuality and sex generally intrigues me. I thirst for information about it as well as passing the information through discussion to other.
My motives are clean without guilt, but people make me feel guilty for something I don’t want to feel guilty about.
How can I handle this knotty, but important discourse, which unfortunately the church itself is shy to handle?
Why are parents uncomfortable talking about it with their children? Agatha, why are my fellowship brethren condemning me? Why did God create it if it is so abominable?
Please, don’t get me wrong. I don’t encourage fornication and adultery, but I think this silence is the greatest threat to sexual sanity. Children can’t even talk about it with their parents. All we have are ill experienced friends to discuss the subject with.
Now to my question, is there anything shameful about sex as a subject of discussion? When I ventured to talk to my mother about my feelings for my best friend who is a girl, she was outraged. She told me the girl must have bewitched me and that she is also trying to deceive me.
Agatha, my mother talked as if she never experienced adolescence. Many of our parents forget that they were once like us and went through the challenge of all the confusing sexual experiences we are going through now.
They forget they also had pressures that can destroy if not properly handled .Our sexuality is destroying us today and your advice would not help only me but many other youths as well.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
I understand and feel your sentiments more than you can imagine. Growing up with parents, especially a mother who though educated, a teacher; forbade us from broaching the subject of sex, kept us in the dark about something as basic as menstrual flow. I know where you are coming from.
Then I didn’t understand all the fuss about it or why someone that educated refused to be drawn into discussing the changes going on in her children’s bodies particularly the girls.
Like you, I also couldn’t comprehend the attitude of the church or all the holiness going on around me, but one incident happened that helped me to focus my life properly. It helped realised that irrespective of what people were saying about themselves or values, what remains most important is what you thought of yourself.
This happened when one of the tormentors of our liberal attitudes got pregnant. She was the leader of the Scripture Union (SU) then. She made the rest of us felt like devils incarnate. I, being one of the most mischievous, was always getting into her wrong side and being two years my senior, was in the position to deal with me but for my privileged position as one of the most loved and brilliant students of the school.
She got pregnant in her final year and had to sit for her school certificate examination as an external student.
From that point, I refused to abide with the opinions others have of me preferring to listen to my own conscience in everything I did.
It was a freedom so sweet because it enabled me to grow up with the knowledge that nobody but me can gate-keep my morals.
With this came the confidence to speak out on my sexuality. I didn’t care what name people called me, but I made sure I got my mother as well as all the adults to listen to me. My father remains the most liberal, because when I became a thorn on his flesh, he would order my mother to play her role.
Over the years, I have come to understand the unease adults feel about sex. The delicate nature of sex makes it so. Because children have different attitudes and perspective to issues, adopting a broad based approach may not be a very wise thing for children who are only looking for a reason to do what they had always wanted to do.
But this is not to say that basic information should not be given to each child. It is part of the rights of a child to be told early in life about sex, its reason and attendant pains when done out of time. The facts should be made bare to a child to enable him or her appreciate the enormous responsibility attached to the act of sex.
If information were given from the right source a lot of mistakes would be avoided, because every child comes with a dream of being great and of taking charge of things around. Irrespective of whether the dream has a universal or local flavour or not, one thing is paramount to the nascent mind of a child, that of being able to succeed in life.
And if at that early age, parents, schools as well as the churches form alliance to help the child stay focused by pointing out the dangers of premarital sex, not the ‘don’t do’ syllabus, but through discussions with the aid of real life stories of dreams that died prematurely due to early sex, girls especially would learn to gate-keep properly.
That a child is curious about sex doesn’t make the child morally bankrupt; rather it shows a deep understanding of changes going on inside the body as well as an awareness of something very fundamental in the society all around.
Sex is the biggest and fastest selling brands in the world. So trying to shield the child from it is a vast waste of time hence the need for both churches and parents to adopt new strategies towards it.
The refusal of parents or spiritual leaders to talk about it won’t make the longing and desire to have sex among youths go away. Rather, this conspiracy of silence only makes children more determined to damn the consequences. For this reason, parents especially in Africa must begin to rethink their attitude and allow their children the privilege of knowing what life has in store for them because whether they like it or not, the child would someday know about it.
The thinking that discussing sex enhances promiscuity is neither here nor there. A child that would be promiscuous doesn’t need information from the parents to do it. Sex is a very cheap commodity and information concerning it commonplace. The only worry is the quality of the market place information the child gets. Besides, who is the one giving the child the information? What experience has such a person to earn the exalted position of a teacher or counsellor?
I agree that keeping quiet is dangerous and exposes the child to more harm than good. If you are not getting the required help from your parents, force them by pointing the obvious to them, getting the information from the streets.
Now matter how difficult a parent is, the idea of his or her child getting information on sexuality from the streets frightens enough to make the parent have a change of mind.
Parents get away with it because youths refuse to exercise their rights as well as bow to emotional blackmails of parents who in their bid to hide their discomfort about sex, hide behind the façade of morality not to talk.
However manner of approach is important. From my own experiences as a child and mother, youths would gain more by beginning the discourse with a gentle approach. Arrest your parents’ concern by telling them of the changes you are feeling.
Youths should adopt the approach of perplexity when broaching the topic with their parents. They should appeal for understanding of the things they notice in their bodies, but which they don’t understand its essence.
Help to make sense of why their bodies are beginning to react in a particular way to one person, why their voices are changing, why they are experiencing mood swings, why the girls are bleeding from their private parts, filling out in their breasts and hips areas.
When it comes to information, youths should not stereotype.
If mothers are not willing to talk, approach the fathers. There is nothing about each other’s body dad or mum doesn’t know.
In worship places, they should ask probing questions that signify their desperation for information. Anytime adults read out the dos and don’ts of the adult world, youths should be bold enough to ask why these rules must be obeyed. It is the only way they can get everybody to pay attention to them.
They should make adults around them realise asking questions about their sexuality doesn’t translate to a desire to do it, but a right to be informed which comes with awareness of habits and things to avoid.
Above all, youths should begin early to trust God by learning all about His ways. It is the only way they can earn the respect of all adults.
Good luck.
Friday, January 13, 2012
She flares at my closeness with female friends
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a girlfriend who is excessively jealous. Her jealousy is so profound that she instantly imagines unfaithfulness on my part when I do as much as exchange greetings with any of my female colleagues. My problem now is how to make her develop confidence in me. She practically hits the roof if an unknown person calls me and goes to the ridiculous extent of calling the person to ask about the identity of the caller.
How do I get to discuss the problem I am having with her as well plans for her? Please help me.
Anyisteve.
Dear Anyisteve,
Begin by finding out the real reason behind her insecurity. Most often than not, jealous feelings take root from past experiences. What were hers? It is important she talks about her past or why she thinks you are cheating on her.
Again her insecurity may come from her own personal assessment of herself. Again this has root in a past experience, may be an unkind remark by an ill-mannered person or an unbalanced upbringing.
If her jealousy has to do with a misplaced trust in her former relationship, in addition to making it clear that you and whosoever hurt her are different persons, tell her all over again why you want to be with her. Look for all the wonderful qualities she has to underscore your need of her in your life.
But be careful you don’t get carried away to the point of promising her unachievable things. Stick to reality. She either learns to accept you for who you are or give in to the powers of her past to deny her a good place in the future.
This is one issue you cannot afford to treat with levity because it has the ability to consume you both later in future. It would get to a point, her consuming jealousy would make it impossible for you to relate with all the females, including your colleagues, friends, cousins or childhood friends you knew before you met her.
Once it gets to this stage, it would rob you not only of your freedom of expression but also inhibits you from having a relationship with even your friends all of whom would also be fingered by her of trying to get you hooked with other women.
This is one emotion that cripples relationship as well as a huge threat to the peaceful and harmonious relationship with every other person.
Can you cope knowing that each time you open your mouth to speak or show concern to another woman, hell awaits you at home?
This is the reason you must do everything to make her understand that she must begin to see things from your perspective, must learn to bury whatever wrong or imbalances she suffered in the past.
If her problem has to do with her past, the attitude of her parents, you must make her understand that she is now her own person and able to change whatever tradition her parents have entrenched. If this is the case, you must strive to give her the confidence she lost by constantly reminding her that she is special, comes with God given gifts nobody can duplicate or can equal. You have to help her build her confidence from the very beginning starting from her physical beauty. Every woman likes to think she is very beautiful. Compliment her on her looks, paying particular attention to her special feature; your endless compliments coupled with the sincerity, which you say would convince her of your love as well as give her confidence to cope with your other relationships.
Whatever may be the reason for her insecurity, it has to be addressed with both boldness and sincerity.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a girlfriend who is excessively jealous. Her jealousy is so profound that she instantly imagines unfaithfulness on my part when I do as much as exchange greetings with any of my female colleagues. My problem now is how to make her develop confidence in me. She practically hits the roof if an unknown person calls me and goes to the ridiculous extent of calling the person to ask about the identity of the caller.
How do I get to discuss the problem I am having with her as well plans for her? Please help me.
Anyisteve.
Dear Anyisteve,
Begin by finding out the real reason behind her insecurity. Most often than not, jealous feelings take root from past experiences. What were hers? It is important she talks about her past or why she thinks you are cheating on her.
Again her insecurity may come from her own personal assessment of herself. Again this has root in a past experience, may be an unkind remark by an ill-mannered person or an unbalanced upbringing.
If her jealousy has to do with a misplaced trust in her former relationship, in addition to making it clear that you and whosoever hurt her are different persons, tell her all over again why you want to be with her. Look for all the wonderful qualities she has to underscore your need of her in your life.
But be careful you don’t get carried away to the point of promising her unachievable things. Stick to reality. She either learns to accept you for who you are or give in to the powers of her past to deny her a good place in the future.
This is one issue you cannot afford to treat with levity because it has the ability to consume you both later in future. It would get to a point, her consuming jealousy would make it impossible for you to relate with all the females, including your colleagues, friends, cousins or childhood friends you knew before you met her.
Once it gets to this stage, it would rob you not only of your freedom of expression but also inhibits you from having a relationship with even your friends all of whom would also be fingered by her of trying to get you hooked with other women.
This is one emotion that cripples relationship as well as a huge threat to the peaceful and harmonious relationship with every other person.
Can you cope knowing that each time you open your mouth to speak or show concern to another woman, hell awaits you at home?
This is the reason you must do everything to make her understand that she must begin to see things from your perspective, must learn to bury whatever wrong or imbalances she suffered in the past.
If her problem has to do with her past, the attitude of her parents, you must make her understand that she is now her own person and able to change whatever tradition her parents have entrenched. If this is the case, you must strive to give her the confidence she lost by constantly reminding her that she is special, comes with God given gifts nobody can duplicate or can equal. You have to help her build her confidence from the very beginning starting from her physical beauty. Every woman likes to think she is very beautiful. Compliment her on her looks, paying particular attention to her special feature; your endless compliments coupled with the sincerity, which you say would convince her of your love as well as give her confidence to cope with your other relationships.
Whatever may be the reason for her insecurity, it has to be addressed with both boldness and sincerity.
Good luck.
Despite her frolicking with married men I still want her
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in my 20s in love with a girl I cherish so much. Her dream has always been to be with me and for me to graduate from school. I have graduated while she is yet to secure admission.
After my graduation, we start having problems. For instance, when I travelled, my friend told me he saw her with a married man whose wife went after them to create a scene.
When I got this report, I sent her a text message requesting her to explain what on earth she was doing with a married man.
In her reply to me, she denied the story and accused me of listening to gossips from friends. She then told me it was best we went our different ways because she was fed up with gossips.
When her reply came, I thought it was a joke, because we have both invested too much in the relationship of almost three years to let it go down the drain in that manner.
For a week, I begged her to forgive me for listening to friend and I also made a promise that it would never happen again. She still insisted she was leaving me for good.
I even went to beg her personally over the matter but she insisted on leaving me. I sincerely don’t know what to do again. I know I was wrong in listening to my friends, but I don’t think I deserve this.
I know she has been dating married men all along; we have even quarrelled over it repeatedly but it has not stopped me from falling deeply in love with her.
A lot of people who know her think she is dating these married men because of money, but I don’t think so. Yes, I know the money she gets from them she uses it to buy things for herself, but I disagree with the thinking that she loves money.
Even if it is because of money, I still love her and don’t know how to get her to come back.
Please help me because if the information reaching me were anything to go by, she would soon be leaving for school. I want her back before she leaves for school.
Sweet 16.
Dear Sweet 16,
If you are in the know about her and her married boyfriends, why did you bother about what your friend told you? Why did you have to send her a text message accusing her of a situation you are already aware of?
Indeed, she has every right to be angry with you having put you in the know about the situation from the very beginning. Your anger would have been justified if you didn’t know.
When a man makes up his mind to date a woman like your girlfriend, he must develop the accompanying guts and temperament to manage his feelings as well as the opinion of his friends and family on the matter.
This is because you are the only one with the right reasons regarding the decision to continue with the relationship. You are the one who knows the challenges you have been through with her, is intimate with her other values and understands her reasons for doing what she does.
Frankly, her reason or yours for that matter may not hold water with anyone but the decision to love her or not lies squarely on your shoulders.
Regardless of what others think of her, the honesty behind her telling you is what you should have considered before sending her that text. A lot of girls would have denied doing it, let alone admit it openly to you.
This is why she is angry and refusing to come back to you. She is feeling bad that she has been very sincere with you; you could still listen to gossips about her. She believes that the level of trust between you should have been sufficient for you not to join others in questioning her motives or decisions.
Forget the propriety of her behaviour. You were wrong because you either trust what she tells you or not. Telling you the truth is to give you the sole choice of accepting her as she is or leaving her to live her life the way she pleases.
The choice you took involves learning to trust her words and reasons for loving you. If you focus on her values or what others say about her, you may not have the strength to go. That you have been together for close to three years means there is a special feeling between the two of you, one that requires she in particular take a closer look at her lifestyle vis-Ã -vis her life generally.
She is still out there because you haven’t been able to summon the courage to confront her reason. She is unwilling to come back to you because you are showing a character, hardness she didn’t know you had.
All these while you allowed her determined the directions of the relationship, due perhaps to fear or guts to protest.
The guts you require to stand by her is, also what you need to take charge. She either submits to your feelings for her or allow you be, so that you can move ahead with your life.
Granted you know all about her, but deep down is that enough for you? Is this the kind of relationship you want from this woman?
Your reactions to what your friend told you is a warning that you might not be able to continue with her for too long. It brings out the extra emotional stamina you are putting into making it work against all odds.
Doubtless you love her, but this is one classic situation where love isn’t enough. You need more than your feelings for her to carry on.
Before crying over refusal to come back to you, think deeply because this whole thing might simply be a blessing in disguise; to force your eyes opened on critical matters concerning your life since you are approaching a very critical stage in your life.
This is the time for you to begin to take your affairs more seriously. What would you like to change about the relationship if she comes back on her own? Despite your love for her, I am sure there are situations you would like to change about the relationship and her attitude. What if she gets pregnant; would you not from time to time doubt the paternity of the baby especially when the child acts contrary to what you want or expect?
Since the decision to leave was hers, let her be. If she were yours she would come back on your terms and conditions that would put you in charge of the relationship.
You need first to master the act of being a man before talking about relationship. She may not have hidden her weakness from you but a relationship takes more to survive. She has to learn to let go if she truly wants you in her life.
Because your whole life is involved, make the effort of inviting God into your affairs. It is important.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in my 20s in love with a girl I cherish so much. Her dream has always been to be with me and for me to graduate from school. I have graduated while she is yet to secure admission.
After my graduation, we start having problems. For instance, when I travelled, my friend told me he saw her with a married man whose wife went after them to create a scene.
When I got this report, I sent her a text message requesting her to explain what on earth she was doing with a married man.
In her reply to me, she denied the story and accused me of listening to gossips from friends. She then told me it was best we went our different ways because she was fed up with gossips.
When her reply came, I thought it was a joke, because we have both invested too much in the relationship of almost three years to let it go down the drain in that manner.
For a week, I begged her to forgive me for listening to friend and I also made a promise that it would never happen again. She still insisted she was leaving me for good.
I even went to beg her personally over the matter but she insisted on leaving me. I sincerely don’t know what to do again. I know I was wrong in listening to my friends, but I don’t think I deserve this.
I know she has been dating married men all along; we have even quarrelled over it repeatedly but it has not stopped me from falling deeply in love with her.
A lot of people who know her think she is dating these married men because of money, but I don’t think so. Yes, I know the money she gets from them she uses it to buy things for herself, but I disagree with the thinking that she loves money.
Even if it is because of money, I still love her and don’t know how to get her to come back.
Please help me because if the information reaching me were anything to go by, she would soon be leaving for school. I want her back before she leaves for school.
Sweet 16.
Dear Sweet 16,
If you are in the know about her and her married boyfriends, why did you bother about what your friend told you? Why did you have to send her a text message accusing her of a situation you are already aware of?
Indeed, she has every right to be angry with you having put you in the know about the situation from the very beginning. Your anger would have been justified if you didn’t know.
When a man makes up his mind to date a woman like your girlfriend, he must develop the accompanying guts and temperament to manage his feelings as well as the opinion of his friends and family on the matter.
This is because you are the only one with the right reasons regarding the decision to continue with the relationship. You are the one who knows the challenges you have been through with her, is intimate with her other values and understands her reasons for doing what she does.
Frankly, her reason or yours for that matter may not hold water with anyone but the decision to love her or not lies squarely on your shoulders.
Regardless of what others think of her, the honesty behind her telling you is what you should have considered before sending her that text. A lot of girls would have denied doing it, let alone admit it openly to you.
This is why she is angry and refusing to come back to you. She is feeling bad that she has been very sincere with you; you could still listen to gossips about her. She believes that the level of trust between you should have been sufficient for you not to join others in questioning her motives or decisions.
Forget the propriety of her behaviour. You were wrong because you either trust what she tells you or not. Telling you the truth is to give you the sole choice of accepting her as she is or leaving her to live her life the way she pleases.
The choice you took involves learning to trust her words and reasons for loving you. If you focus on her values or what others say about her, you may not have the strength to go. That you have been together for close to three years means there is a special feeling between the two of you, one that requires she in particular take a closer look at her lifestyle vis-Ã -vis her life generally.
She is still out there because you haven’t been able to summon the courage to confront her reason. She is unwilling to come back to you because you are showing a character, hardness she didn’t know you had.
All these while you allowed her determined the directions of the relationship, due perhaps to fear or guts to protest.
The guts you require to stand by her is, also what you need to take charge. She either submits to your feelings for her or allow you be, so that you can move ahead with your life.
Granted you know all about her, but deep down is that enough for you? Is this the kind of relationship you want from this woman?
Your reactions to what your friend told you is a warning that you might not be able to continue with her for too long. It brings out the extra emotional stamina you are putting into making it work against all odds.
Doubtless you love her, but this is one classic situation where love isn’t enough. You need more than your feelings for her to carry on.
Before crying over refusal to come back to you, think deeply because this whole thing might simply be a blessing in disguise; to force your eyes opened on critical matters concerning your life since you are approaching a very critical stage in your life.
This is the time for you to begin to take your affairs more seriously. What would you like to change about the relationship if she comes back on her own? Despite your love for her, I am sure there are situations you would like to change about the relationship and her attitude. What if she gets pregnant; would you not from time to time doubt the paternity of the baby especially when the child acts contrary to what you want or expect?
Since the decision to leave was hers, let her be. If she were yours she would come back on your terms and conditions that would put you in charge of the relationship.
You need first to master the act of being a man before talking about relationship. She may not have hidden her weakness from you but a relationship takes more to survive. She has to learn to let go if she truly wants you in her life.
Because your whole life is involved, make the effort of inviting God into your affairs. It is important.
Good luck.
My plan to marry a police woman makes my brother kicks
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in a relationship that is currently about two years of age. The girl in question is the same girl I intend to marry. I have taken her to my place and I have gone to see her people as well. Our traditional marriage ceremony is coming very soon.
The problem I have is that my elder brother does not like the girl I want to marry because of her profession. She is a police officer. Although my brother isn’t supporting me financially or offering any moral help his attitude is affecting me all the same.
Please how do I handle this?
Mr. J.
Dear Mr. J,
What is wrong in being a police officer? Since when did being a police person become a consideration in the process of marriage?
You are the one marrying this lady, not your brother. You are the one who will live with her and as long as you are comfortable about what she does for a living, don’t listen to what any other person has to say.
As your elder brother, he has a right to an opinion but that is as far as it goes. When it comes to the issue of marriage; it is a personal thing because the choice is one you must have to live with for the rest of your life.
For you to come this far with this woman; you must have found priceless qualities in her; ones you may never find in another woman; ones that in later years would give you the happiness you deserve in life.
This man may be your brother but he has no right to stand between you and happiness especially if the reasons are as flimsy as the one he is advertising. You are not going to be living with her uniform but the woman wearing the uniform. This is the point you should communicate to your elder brother.
Tell him that beyond the uniform of her profession is a woman who has all it takes to make you eternally happy. Marriage has no uniform, creed, colour, and tribe, beyond being rewarding and beneficial emotionally, psychologically, mentally and spiritually fulfilling to the two people involved.
If his fears are based on her paramilitary training and the possibility of her refusal to submit herself to your authority in the home front; for whatever it is worth; assure him that you don’t intend playing the hen-pecked husband and that her uniform is only relevant outside your home.
I suspect his discomfort with her has to do with your ability to manage the intimidation her uniform presents. Being an elder brother who perhaps has more knowledge of your limitations as a person, he is simply concerned. On this premise, humour him by explaining your need for this woman in your life as well as you capacity to head your home.
If after this, he persists in his attitude ignore him and go ahead with your plans to marry this woman.
However, in your interest, don’t discuss this with your woman because your woman may never be able to forgive your brother or forget the fact that he tried to stop you from marrying her. She may never be able to bring herself to treat him with all the respect he deserves as your elder brother; an attitude if not managed well may bring about a permanent crack in the quality of friendship between you and your brother.
Managing a home and maintaining a balance in the relationships between you, your family as well as friends entails tremendous wisdom and craft. If you tell your woman about your brother’s disapproval of her, you may be forfeiting the opportunity of assuring your brother of your ability to control your home.
Besides, telling her may also pit her against other family members who may want to rally behind your brother if she insults him.
If you are sure of the choice you made and that your elder’s brother opposition isn’t premised on something more fundamental; please go ahead and secure your own happiness.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in a relationship that is currently about two years of age. The girl in question is the same girl I intend to marry. I have taken her to my place and I have gone to see her people as well. Our traditional marriage ceremony is coming very soon.
The problem I have is that my elder brother does not like the girl I want to marry because of her profession. She is a police officer. Although my brother isn’t supporting me financially or offering any moral help his attitude is affecting me all the same.
Please how do I handle this?
Mr. J.
Dear Mr. J,
What is wrong in being a police officer? Since when did being a police person become a consideration in the process of marriage?
You are the one marrying this lady, not your brother. You are the one who will live with her and as long as you are comfortable about what she does for a living, don’t listen to what any other person has to say.
As your elder brother, he has a right to an opinion but that is as far as it goes. When it comes to the issue of marriage; it is a personal thing because the choice is one you must have to live with for the rest of your life.
For you to come this far with this woman; you must have found priceless qualities in her; ones you may never find in another woman; ones that in later years would give you the happiness you deserve in life.
This man may be your brother but he has no right to stand between you and happiness especially if the reasons are as flimsy as the one he is advertising. You are not going to be living with her uniform but the woman wearing the uniform. This is the point you should communicate to your elder brother.
Tell him that beyond the uniform of her profession is a woman who has all it takes to make you eternally happy. Marriage has no uniform, creed, colour, and tribe, beyond being rewarding and beneficial emotionally, psychologically, mentally and spiritually fulfilling to the two people involved.
If his fears are based on her paramilitary training and the possibility of her refusal to submit herself to your authority in the home front; for whatever it is worth; assure him that you don’t intend playing the hen-pecked husband and that her uniform is only relevant outside your home.
I suspect his discomfort with her has to do with your ability to manage the intimidation her uniform presents. Being an elder brother who perhaps has more knowledge of your limitations as a person, he is simply concerned. On this premise, humour him by explaining your need for this woman in your life as well as you capacity to head your home.
If after this, he persists in his attitude ignore him and go ahead with your plans to marry this woman.
However, in your interest, don’t discuss this with your woman because your woman may never be able to forgive your brother or forget the fact that he tried to stop you from marrying her. She may never be able to bring herself to treat him with all the respect he deserves as your elder brother; an attitude if not managed well may bring about a permanent crack in the quality of friendship between you and your brother.
Managing a home and maintaining a balance in the relationships between you, your family as well as friends entails tremendous wisdom and craft. If you tell your woman about your brother’s disapproval of her, you may be forfeiting the opportunity of assuring your brother of your ability to control your home.
Besides, telling her may also pit her against other family members who may want to rally behind your brother if she insults him.
If you are sure of the choice you made and that your elder’s brother opposition isn’t premised on something more fundamental; please go ahead and secure your own happiness.
Good luck.
Can’t found her, now that I know she’s nice indeed
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help. My ex-girlfriend whom I thought was wrong for me turns out to be the right one for me.
Years ago, I left her because of her very nasty and unreasonable temperament. But after all my experiences, I have discovered that despite her fault, she still has the best conduct and character.
We lost contact many years ago. Her number I have seems no longer to be in use. A friend of mine, who recently saw her, six months ago, misplaced the number and address she gave him.
I am desperate to reach her. I don’t know where to search for her. I am really confused. What should I do?
Taror.
Dear Taror,
Acknowledging that she has qualities others don’t have is the first step.
This acknowledgment would give you the necessary drive to make you go the extra mile in your search for her. It has also eclipsed whatever doubts you have about your ability to manage her temper as well as other challenges that might come your way as a couple.
Your past experience has also made it possible for you to be very objective in your thinking and choices.
What you should do now is to begin your search from the very last place you both parted. She isn’t a needle or ghost that would vanish with her roots. Someone, somewhere must know something about her and her current address. How and where did you meet?
When you were dating, what friends do you have in common? Who were her very close friends and among your circle of friends, who was she closest to? Where did your friend run into her? If he doesn’t remember her precise address, she must have given an information that would lead to her whereabouts.
Go back to places and people she visited. Depending on how you treated her, you may not get the red carpet treatment from friends and family members that still have one or two things against you over the way you dumped her. If this is the case, be prepared to be patient, to continue to give them every assurance that this time around you are for real and know the value of this woman your heart yearns for.
If you allow yourself to be discouraged or get angry with some of the things they may say to you, you may never be able to meet her.
And if they have moved from their previous address, it can’t be so long ago that people in the area where she once lived won’t know anything about her or her family. Go there and ask questions about her in the neighbourhood.
Look for phone numbers of persons likely to have her contact. Plead with them to give you her number. Explain to them your new feelings for her as well as your desire to have her to yourself now.
Make sure you drop the hint of your regrets and belated realisation that she is the best thing that has happened to you in a long while.
She may have asked your friend not to give you her number because of the way you treated her. So go back to that friend to explain your new feelings for this woman. Tell this friend and your other friends all about your dreams of having her back in your life. Don’t be shy to let them know about your desperation and determination to have her in your life.
Being able to convince your friends to queue behind you means you won’t be the only one searching for her. Several others, who believe in your love for her would at the end of the day also join you in your search, thereby helping to widen the scope of your search and brightening your prospect of finding her.
And when you finally see her, don’t frighten her off by coming too strong. Don’t forget she may be in a relationship with a man she may have come to love and respect for being able to tolerate the defect you were not ready to put up with. If in a very serious relationship it might not be very easy getting her to jettison certainty for uncertainty.
So you must begin by being her friend first. She has to be convinced through your behaviour that you would not lead her on and abandon her to her fate again. Don’t forget she must have been hurt by the way you treated her in the past and may not show too much enthusiasm for having you back in her life even if she isn’t dating anybody.
Yes, your relationship stands to benefit tremendously from the experiences of the past, but she must be given enough time to properly weigh her options like you. Don’t forget there are certain things about your behaviour too that was bringing all the tempers. She has to be convinced too that just like you she would be able to cope with them as best as you have made up your mind to do with her own shortcomings.
The extreme is for you to take a shortcut to her. The idea is to take advantage of popular romantic programmes on radio, television or newspapers to reach her. Desperate situation requires desperate solutions. The extent of your need for her would determine how far you are prepared to go to get your message across.
This is your life so don’t waste too much time because this is what you don’t have in abundance. Being a woman, she may be at the point of taking an all-important decision, one she may be taking with some regrets and secret tears in her heart.
Your call or presence may be what would make the most difference in her life as well as yours.
By also praying and asking God to intervene on your behalf is another way of preventing her from saying yes to another man before you get to her. Tell God to help you keep her if she is the right woman for you.
But if by the time you get to her, she belongs exclusively to another man, just know that your realisation of other qualities is meant to help you focus deeper on those essentials you need in a woman. No experience happens without a lesson.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help. My ex-girlfriend whom I thought was wrong for me turns out to be the right one for me.
Years ago, I left her because of her very nasty and unreasonable temperament. But after all my experiences, I have discovered that despite her fault, she still has the best conduct and character.
We lost contact many years ago. Her number I have seems no longer to be in use. A friend of mine, who recently saw her, six months ago, misplaced the number and address she gave him.
I am desperate to reach her. I don’t know where to search for her. I am really confused. What should I do?
Taror.
Dear Taror,
Acknowledging that she has qualities others don’t have is the first step.
This acknowledgment would give you the necessary drive to make you go the extra mile in your search for her. It has also eclipsed whatever doubts you have about your ability to manage her temper as well as other challenges that might come your way as a couple.
Your past experience has also made it possible for you to be very objective in your thinking and choices.
What you should do now is to begin your search from the very last place you both parted. She isn’t a needle or ghost that would vanish with her roots. Someone, somewhere must know something about her and her current address. How and where did you meet?
When you were dating, what friends do you have in common? Who were her very close friends and among your circle of friends, who was she closest to? Where did your friend run into her? If he doesn’t remember her precise address, she must have given an information that would lead to her whereabouts.
Go back to places and people she visited. Depending on how you treated her, you may not get the red carpet treatment from friends and family members that still have one or two things against you over the way you dumped her. If this is the case, be prepared to be patient, to continue to give them every assurance that this time around you are for real and know the value of this woman your heart yearns for.
If you allow yourself to be discouraged or get angry with some of the things they may say to you, you may never be able to meet her.
And if they have moved from their previous address, it can’t be so long ago that people in the area where she once lived won’t know anything about her or her family. Go there and ask questions about her in the neighbourhood.
Look for phone numbers of persons likely to have her contact. Plead with them to give you her number. Explain to them your new feelings for her as well as your desire to have her to yourself now.
Make sure you drop the hint of your regrets and belated realisation that she is the best thing that has happened to you in a long while.
She may have asked your friend not to give you her number because of the way you treated her. So go back to that friend to explain your new feelings for this woman. Tell this friend and your other friends all about your dreams of having her back in your life. Don’t be shy to let them know about your desperation and determination to have her in your life.
Being able to convince your friends to queue behind you means you won’t be the only one searching for her. Several others, who believe in your love for her would at the end of the day also join you in your search, thereby helping to widen the scope of your search and brightening your prospect of finding her.
And when you finally see her, don’t frighten her off by coming too strong. Don’t forget she may be in a relationship with a man she may have come to love and respect for being able to tolerate the defect you were not ready to put up with. If in a very serious relationship it might not be very easy getting her to jettison certainty for uncertainty.
So you must begin by being her friend first. She has to be convinced through your behaviour that you would not lead her on and abandon her to her fate again. Don’t forget she must have been hurt by the way you treated her in the past and may not show too much enthusiasm for having you back in her life even if she isn’t dating anybody.
Yes, your relationship stands to benefit tremendously from the experiences of the past, but she must be given enough time to properly weigh her options like you. Don’t forget there are certain things about your behaviour too that was bringing all the tempers. She has to be convinced too that just like you she would be able to cope with them as best as you have made up your mind to do with her own shortcomings.
The extreme is for you to take a shortcut to her. The idea is to take advantage of popular romantic programmes on radio, television or newspapers to reach her. Desperate situation requires desperate solutions. The extent of your need for her would determine how far you are prepared to go to get your message across.
This is your life so don’t waste too much time because this is what you don’t have in abundance. Being a woman, she may be at the point of taking an all-important decision, one she may be taking with some regrets and secret tears in her heart.
Your call or presence may be what would make the most difference in her life as well as yours.
By also praying and asking God to intervene on your behalf is another way of preventing her from saying yes to another man before you get to her. Tell God to help you keep her if she is the right woman for you.
But if by the time you get to her, she belongs exclusively to another man, just know that your realisation of other qualities is meant to help you focus deeper on those essentials you need in a woman. No experience happens without a lesson.
Good luck.
Friday, January 6, 2012
He can’t control his zeal for extramarital affairs
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My partner and I have been engaged for four years and hoping to get married soon. A year ago, we jointly acquired a property. By the way, we live abroad.
Despite having two children from a previous relationship, he has been very good to me. He treats my children as his.
Three years ago, he cheated on me and I caught him. He promised it would never happen again. I forgave him. We have had a very good relationship until last week when I discovered a message on his phone from another woman. Message reads, “Thanks for the cute message you left on my car, but who are you?”
I confronted him about the message, which he first denied but had to own up to it when I persisted. He confessed leaving the message on the girl’s car. He claimed he was only admiring her shape and appologised; he again promised it would never happen again. I said nothing at the time since I couldn’t believe it was happening again.
A week later, I called him aside and announced my readiness to discuss the matter. To my surprise he blew his lid; insisting he has already apologised and that I like taking things too far. He said if we were in Nigeria, he would date other girls and that I wouldn’t have been able to prevent it. He said I am African hence I should stop behaving like a European. I was very hurt because I expected reassurances from him.
That night, I left the engagement ring in his wardrobe in an envelope; moved out of our bedroom into the guest room, and we haven’t spoken to each other since. I am very confused as to what to do now. Should I just end the relationship because I feel he is taking me for granted? But I am also worried I might be taking things too far as he said.
I don’t want to call his mother to report the incident to her. Being Muslims, I think their religion supports such. What do I do?
Bola.
Dear Bola,
Giving him back his ring and moving out of the bedroom isn’t a solution; rather it underscores your own lack of total understanding of the complex nature of a relationship. Doubtless, he has made a mistake but not enough to end a good relationship.
Granted, marriage creed preaches absolute faithfulness but everyday experience increasingly mocks the viability of this. While it is not something that should be encouraged but if all married couples were to end their marriages on account of this, you will be alarmed that the few number of marriages that would remain standing.
Unpalatable and undesirable this development is, this is the reality most marriages and relationships daily battle. Despite attempts by Christianity to put a stop to it, it has continued to flourish sometimes involving men and women of God who are supposed to be custodians of sound morals in the society.
Many women have been forced to take the difficult choice of looking the other way and not make the hasty decision of quitting. At any rate, leaving only gives the other woman the much-needed chance to move in.
You left your first relationship because of a problem. For how long would you continue to run away from problems? How do you again explain to your children who have gotten used to this man that he isn’t perfect? Successful management of our lives derives more on wisdom than on anything else. Problems, in whatever guise they come from, are to be tackled fearlessly and without too much bias, because it never goes away unless effectively challenged.
There is no relationship without hiccups and mostly these come from infidelity on the part of the man and in some cases the women.
Would you have found it as easy giving him back his ring were it a wedding one and not the engagement ring it is? Without you saying much, it means the four years you have been engaged aren’t important to you at all.
What you have done in terms of assurances is also to tell him, he doesn’t mean a thing to you.
Don’t run away this time. What peace and hopes did he bring into your life? How would you describe your years together? In terms of fulfillment as a woman, what did these years do for you?
See what is happening between you as a perfect opportunity for both of you to discuss those things you failed to discuss at the beginning of your relationship, to iron out all the grey areas and to look inwards at your own faults.
Our relationship is our life, our history; our heritage. There is no way you can move on successfully in life if there is a nagging problem in our relationship. It is either you completely make up your mind not to go into a relationship and protect yourself against hurts that come from being with in love with another man or learn to accommodate and deal with these expected pains.
Yes, he has said a lot of unprintable things. This is fact! But it also doesn’t say he doesn’t care about you again. With some men you just can’t stop them from chasing after other women with force.
There are several ways of fighting this battle without having to give him up.
But before you embark on this, please honestly answer those questions I asked, because the success you achieve with him depends on your own certainty of him as being the right man for you.
If sure, move back into his room because if you are waiting for him to apologise after the initial one he offered you, it may take a while. Like you he is also hurting that after everything, you can easily end the relationship and take away from him the love and presence of the children he has come to see as his. He sees in your action, a deeper betrayal, the reality that he isn’t after all the real father of those children. Hence you could take them away from him at the slightest provocation.
If he has been a good father figure to them, you should put that too into consideration and find it in your heart the determination to iron out the problem between you two.
In the first instance, what sort of woman are you? What sort of women is he interested in outside. You said he admitted to have developed interest in the other woman due to her shape. What shape are you in? What has he persistently complained about?
Although, ideally these are not enough reasons for him to go out but a man looking for an opportunity would latch on almost anything, including the ridiculous to his advantage.
Even though some of the excuses men give to misbehave are simply excuses, but in some cases these are real. If you need a little trimming down, don’t neglect to in your battle to keep him. Wearing trendy as well as smart clothes should also be part of your effort to make him happy.
Having stayed with him for more than four years, you know the right button to touch to deflate the tension between the two of you. If you were married legally, you would have found a way and since you both have gone to the length of buying a property together, it means, you have a good thing going for you two.
Betrayal is always very painful but love has a way of conquering all things.
Go and apologise to him for giving him back his ring. After the dust settles; make effort to know what he sees in these other women, which are missing in you. Be smart; listen to what he is not saying because that would be your cue for this relationship.
It is also important you know his thinking about polygamy as well as his view on religion. Best, if you both resolve it now.
Whatever you both do, give wisdom a pride of place.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
My partner and I have been engaged for four years and hoping to get married soon. A year ago, we jointly acquired a property. By the way, we live abroad.
Despite having two children from a previous relationship, he has been very good to me. He treats my children as his.
Three years ago, he cheated on me and I caught him. He promised it would never happen again. I forgave him. We have had a very good relationship until last week when I discovered a message on his phone from another woman. Message reads, “Thanks for the cute message you left on my car, but who are you?”
I confronted him about the message, which he first denied but had to own up to it when I persisted. He confessed leaving the message on the girl’s car. He claimed he was only admiring her shape and appologised; he again promised it would never happen again. I said nothing at the time since I couldn’t believe it was happening again.
A week later, I called him aside and announced my readiness to discuss the matter. To my surprise he blew his lid; insisting he has already apologised and that I like taking things too far. He said if we were in Nigeria, he would date other girls and that I wouldn’t have been able to prevent it. He said I am African hence I should stop behaving like a European. I was very hurt because I expected reassurances from him.
That night, I left the engagement ring in his wardrobe in an envelope; moved out of our bedroom into the guest room, and we haven’t spoken to each other since. I am very confused as to what to do now. Should I just end the relationship because I feel he is taking me for granted? But I am also worried I might be taking things too far as he said.
I don’t want to call his mother to report the incident to her. Being Muslims, I think their religion supports such. What do I do?
Bola.
Dear Bola,
Giving him back his ring and moving out of the bedroom isn’t a solution; rather it underscores your own lack of total understanding of the complex nature of a relationship. Doubtless, he has made a mistake but not enough to end a good relationship.
Granted, marriage creed preaches absolute faithfulness but everyday experience increasingly mocks the viability of this. While it is not something that should be encouraged but if all married couples were to end their marriages on account of this, you will be alarmed that the few number of marriages that would remain standing.
Unpalatable and undesirable this development is, this is the reality most marriages and relationships daily battle. Despite attempts by Christianity to put a stop to it, it has continued to flourish sometimes involving men and women of God who are supposed to be custodians of sound morals in the society.
Many women have been forced to take the difficult choice of looking the other way and not make the hasty decision of quitting. At any rate, leaving only gives the other woman the much-needed chance to move in.
You left your first relationship because of a problem. For how long would you continue to run away from problems? How do you again explain to your children who have gotten used to this man that he isn’t perfect? Successful management of our lives derives more on wisdom than on anything else. Problems, in whatever guise they come from, are to be tackled fearlessly and without too much bias, because it never goes away unless effectively challenged.
There is no relationship without hiccups and mostly these come from infidelity on the part of the man and in some cases the women.
Would you have found it as easy giving him back his ring were it a wedding one and not the engagement ring it is? Without you saying much, it means the four years you have been engaged aren’t important to you at all.
What you have done in terms of assurances is also to tell him, he doesn’t mean a thing to you.
Don’t run away this time. What peace and hopes did he bring into your life? How would you describe your years together? In terms of fulfillment as a woman, what did these years do for you?
See what is happening between you as a perfect opportunity for both of you to discuss those things you failed to discuss at the beginning of your relationship, to iron out all the grey areas and to look inwards at your own faults.
Our relationship is our life, our history; our heritage. There is no way you can move on successfully in life if there is a nagging problem in our relationship. It is either you completely make up your mind not to go into a relationship and protect yourself against hurts that come from being with in love with another man or learn to accommodate and deal with these expected pains.
Yes, he has said a lot of unprintable things. This is fact! But it also doesn’t say he doesn’t care about you again. With some men you just can’t stop them from chasing after other women with force.
There are several ways of fighting this battle without having to give him up.
But before you embark on this, please honestly answer those questions I asked, because the success you achieve with him depends on your own certainty of him as being the right man for you.
If sure, move back into his room because if you are waiting for him to apologise after the initial one he offered you, it may take a while. Like you he is also hurting that after everything, you can easily end the relationship and take away from him the love and presence of the children he has come to see as his. He sees in your action, a deeper betrayal, the reality that he isn’t after all the real father of those children. Hence you could take them away from him at the slightest provocation.
If he has been a good father figure to them, you should put that too into consideration and find it in your heart the determination to iron out the problem between you two.
In the first instance, what sort of woman are you? What sort of women is he interested in outside. You said he admitted to have developed interest in the other woman due to her shape. What shape are you in? What has he persistently complained about?
Although, ideally these are not enough reasons for him to go out but a man looking for an opportunity would latch on almost anything, including the ridiculous to his advantage.
Even though some of the excuses men give to misbehave are simply excuses, but in some cases these are real. If you need a little trimming down, don’t neglect to in your battle to keep him. Wearing trendy as well as smart clothes should also be part of your effort to make him happy.
Having stayed with him for more than four years, you know the right button to touch to deflate the tension between the two of you. If you were married legally, you would have found a way and since you both have gone to the length of buying a property together, it means, you have a good thing going for you two.
Betrayal is always very painful but love has a way of conquering all things.
Go and apologise to him for giving him back his ring. After the dust settles; make effort to know what he sees in these other women, which are missing in you. Be smart; listen to what he is not saying because that would be your cue for this relationship.
It is also important you know his thinking about polygamy as well as his view on religion. Best, if you both resolve it now.
Whatever you both do, give wisdom a pride of place.
Good luck
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Mum insists I marry Yoruba girl…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am one of your regular readers and always like the way you answer questions.
My problem is that my mother is tribal. She is determined I don’t marry anybody outside the Yoruba race. Since I started dating, I have never had the luck of dating a woman from my side of the country. All the ladies I have dated so far are either from the eastern or south-southern part of the country.
But my mother is forever sending them away. I have tried to stop her hostility towards my girlfriends but it is of no use. The implication of her refusal is my inability to get a woman whom I truly love to stay with me.
Please help me.
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
How old are you? Are you still an underage? In which case, you must continue to endure your mother’s interferences because you are still under her authority. But if you are old enough to be on your own, then you are to blame.
Your mother is still having her way in your love life because you haven’t made up your mind about what you want from life and women generally.
The moment you make up your mind, your first decision would be to get a house of your own to minimise the influence of your mother in your life. None of these women would stay if they have to constantly endure the unfriendly nature of your mother.
Your real test as a man is to first give yourself the space to grow your confidence by having a place of your own; where you can think without other influences of the type of woman you really want in your life.
There is no way you can really have an opinion of your own or a say in your life if your mother is determined to ensure her ways are the only right ones.
Besides, it would save you both a lot of tense moments if you have your individual spaces to breathe and think.
The essence of having your own place goes beyond giving yourself space from your mother; it is also to signpost you as a man who have come of age, able to make his decision, capable of being head of his home and manage the delicate balance between the two most important women in his life – his mother and wife.
Given your mother’s mindset, there is no way you would be able to convince any woman, no matter how very much she may love you to tolerate hostility from your mother on account of tribe. While a woman can make some adjustments in her attitude to accommodate the feelings of her husband and mother-in-law, opposition based on tribal sentiments are always so difficult to resolve. No matter what a woman does, once tribalism is the bane of her problem with her in-laws, especially her man’s mother, the patience to teach the woman the ways of the people as well as the peculiarities of her new family would be completely absent.
For a long time, the woman may only have to depend on the sole support of her husband to remain in the family. And if her husband is one of those who lacks a mind of his own, the woman is left alone to carry her can until such a time she is thrown out of the house due to outside influences of her home.
You must therefore, from this early beginning, begin to plan the quality of your happiness as well as that of your wife.
Before you bring in a woman into your life, who isn’t from your side of the country ensure you have all it takes to withstand and shield your woman from your mother’s hostility.
This is the most important task before you now. You may love a woman more than anything else in the world, but if you lack the guts and fearless attitude to protect her from emotional trauma, the love no matter how strong would suffer a major set back. The pains would not only be for her but you also get to suffer because the happiness you, as the man, would have enjoyed, being with the woman of your dreams, would also die a natural death leaving you with nothing but regrets throughout your lifetime.
Because happiness is not tribal, go to your mother to plead with her to allow you find your happiness in any part of the country or world God has placed it.
Impress it on her that your choice of these women outside your geographical zone is divine and that much as you have tried to contract a relationship with a woman from your side of the country, it hasn’t worked. You more than anyone else know your mother, her weakness and your place in her heart. Use your knowledge of her to weaken her position by telling her that where a person comes from isn’t as important as the person’s attitude and moral values. And that you could come from the same womb without having the understanding and temperament to cohabit in peace. To make your task easier arm yourself with information on the number of people in your area who though are from the same place but still went their different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Also look for examples of cross tribal marriages, which are working beautifully well.
If there are one or two persons, extremely close to her who enjoy her confidence and respect, send them to her to water down her attitude. What she needs is information and assurances that a tribally different wife would not make you forget her. Telling her this is more a function of whom the person really is than where the person comes from might also have some positive impact on her.
Sincerely, it is important you resolve this issue with her before deciding on the woman to marry. It would prevent the greater danger of you losing the woman to your mother’s hostility.
Telling the woman before-hand about your mother’s tribal nature would also help to prevent instant anger on her part. It would prepare her for the expected hostility as well as arm her with all the ammunition she needs to scale through.
The ladies you took home all ran away because you didn’t tell them before hand. If you had prepared them for what they were going to meet at home, one of them would have shown you the understanding to stay.
Once a couple is able to put in a place a structure of understanding, the strength and patience to fight for each other would be evolved.
Importantly, learn to pray so you don’t end up marrying the wrong bone to please the desires of your mother. To survive the natural challenges of marriage, it helps a great deal to be with your God-given partner.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am one of your regular readers and always like the way you answer questions.
My problem is that my mother is tribal. She is determined I don’t marry anybody outside the Yoruba race. Since I started dating, I have never had the luck of dating a woman from my side of the country. All the ladies I have dated so far are either from the eastern or south-southern part of the country.
But my mother is forever sending them away. I have tried to stop her hostility towards my girlfriends but it is of no use. The implication of her refusal is my inability to get a woman whom I truly love to stay with me.
Please help me.
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
How old are you? Are you still an underage? In which case, you must continue to endure your mother’s interferences because you are still under her authority. But if you are old enough to be on your own, then you are to blame.
Your mother is still having her way in your love life because you haven’t made up your mind about what you want from life and women generally.
The moment you make up your mind, your first decision would be to get a house of your own to minimise the influence of your mother in your life. None of these women would stay if they have to constantly endure the unfriendly nature of your mother.
Your real test as a man is to first give yourself the space to grow your confidence by having a place of your own; where you can think without other influences of the type of woman you really want in your life.
There is no way you can really have an opinion of your own or a say in your life if your mother is determined to ensure her ways are the only right ones.
Besides, it would save you both a lot of tense moments if you have your individual spaces to breathe and think.
The essence of having your own place goes beyond giving yourself space from your mother; it is also to signpost you as a man who have come of age, able to make his decision, capable of being head of his home and manage the delicate balance between the two most important women in his life – his mother and wife.
Given your mother’s mindset, there is no way you would be able to convince any woman, no matter how very much she may love you to tolerate hostility from your mother on account of tribe. While a woman can make some adjustments in her attitude to accommodate the feelings of her husband and mother-in-law, opposition based on tribal sentiments are always so difficult to resolve. No matter what a woman does, once tribalism is the bane of her problem with her in-laws, especially her man’s mother, the patience to teach the woman the ways of the people as well as the peculiarities of her new family would be completely absent.
For a long time, the woman may only have to depend on the sole support of her husband to remain in the family. And if her husband is one of those who lacks a mind of his own, the woman is left alone to carry her can until such a time she is thrown out of the house due to outside influences of her home.
You must therefore, from this early beginning, begin to plan the quality of your happiness as well as that of your wife.
Before you bring in a woman into your life, who isn’t from your side of the country ensure you have all it takes to withstand and shield your woman from your mother’s hostility.
This is the most important task before you now. You may love a woman more than anything else in the world, but if you lack the guts and fearless attitude to protect her from emotional trauma, the love no matter how strong would suffer a major set back. The pains would not only be for her but you also get to suffer because the happiness you, as the man, would have enjoyed, being with the woman of your dreams, would also die a natural death leaving you with nothing but regrets throughout your lifetime.
Because happiness is not tribal, go to your mother to plead with her to allow you find your happiness in any part of the country or world God has placed it.
Impress it on her that your choice of these women outside your geographical zone is divine and that much as you have tried to contract a relationship with a woman from your side of the country, it hasn’t worked. You more than anyone else know your mother, her weakness and your place in her heart. Use your knowledge of her to weaken her position by telling her that where a person comes from isn’t as important as the person’s attitude and moral values. And that you could come from the same womb without having the understanding and temperament to cohabit in peace. To make your task easier arm yourself with information on the number of people in your area who though are from the same place but still went their different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Also look for examples of cross tribal marriages, which are working beautifully well.
If there are one or two persons, extremely close to her who enjoy her confidence and respect, send them to her to water down her attitude. What she needs is information and assurances that a tribally different wife would not make you forget her. Telling her this is more a function of whom the person really is than where the person comes from might also have some positive impact on her.
Sincerely, it is important you resolve this issue with her before deciding on the woman to marry. It would prevent the greater danger of you losing the woman to your mother’s hostility.
Telling the woman before-hand about your mother’s tribal nature would also help to prevent instant anger on her part. It would prepare her for the expected hostility as well as arm her with all the ammunition she needs to scale through.
The ladies you took home all ran away because you didn’t tell them before hand. If you had prepared them for what they were going to meet at home, one of them would have shown you the understanding to stay.
Once a couple is able to put in a place a structure of understanding, the strength and patience to fight for each other would be evolved.
Importantly, learn to pray so you don’t end up marrying the wrong bone to please the desires of your mother. To survive the natural challenges of marriage, it helps a great deal to be with your God-given partner.
Good luck.
She junkets across the nation
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate waiting for my NYSC call up letter.
I have a girlfriend whom I started dating since my first year at the university whom I intend marrying.
But I have a problem with her. She is so desperate to make so much money during her one year Industrial Training programme. This is resulting to her travelling from one state to the other, staying in different hotels.
As a young girl staying away from home and being on her own in all these hotels, I am worried about the danger she is exposing herself to. Anytime I try to point her at the immense danger she constantly exposes herself to, she thinks I am out to discourage her. What do I do?
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
Trust her and give her all the encouragement to grow. Provided she isn’t jumping from one man’s bed to another, is determined to earn her money through hard-work, isn’t scared of working for her money, count yourself very lucky to have such an industrious young lady. It is refreshing to have a young lady these days who believes in making money through sheer hard work and not on her back.
She is probably very considerate; wanting to use this opportunity she has to make money to support herself knowing that you may not have enough to give her on demand.
There is always an element of danger in anything we do, even the most basic thing of eating. The danger of choking on food has not stopped anybody from eating or those whose members of family died from eating a meal.
Life itself is entrenched in danger. If we worry about all the major and minor dangers we daily face, we would be incapacitated by fear. Some people don’t even leave the comfort of their home to die of motor accidents or suffer from dangerous injuries resulting from accidents.
There have been incidents of people dying from stray bullets, which hit them right in the perceived security of their homes.
Yes, the conditions of the roads may spice up fear of her arriving at her various destinations safely, fact remains that only the grace of God is capable of sustaining us all.
If you belief in God and His awesome presence, allow her be because no amount of worrying would stop the hand of fate from ticking to its destination. The only thing that can is prayer. Wherever you are or she is, pray for her. Ensure you keep in touch through phone calls or text messages. This way, you would know when she is in danger and needs your help.
Besides, since these trips are sponsored officially, there is little danger of her lodging in a hotel or guesthouse that would put her in any real threat.
A lot also depends on how you handle your concern for her. No person is immune against concern; however the problem of reciprocation comes from how the concern is packaged or the motive of the one expressing the concern.
She would appreciate it more if she understands you are not complaining because you don’t trust her or suspects her trip of being anything other than the official business she presents to be.
If she suspects you of not trusting her to be a decent girl or using the trips as good excuses to cover up her other activities, nothing you say would make sense to her due to mistrust of your intentions and motive.
But once she knows that your concern for her are expressed because of the love you have for her and fear of losing her should anything happen to her, she would not only be more appreciative but also learn to slow down a bit on her drive to make money.
No matter how tough a woman is, once she comes to the full realisation of how much her man loves her and wants to give her his maximum protection against harm; she would strive to put his interest first.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate waiting for my NYSC call up letter.
I have a girlfriend whom I started dating since my first year at the university whom I intend marrying.
But I have a problem with her. She is so desperate to make so much money during her one year Industrial Training programme. This is resulting to her travelling from one state to the other, staying in different hotels.
As a young girl staying away from home and being on her own in all these hotels, I am worried about the danger she is exposing herself to. Anytime I try to point her at the immense danger she constantly exposes herself to, she thinks I am out to discourage her. What do I do?
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
Trust her and give her all the encouragement to grow. Provided she isn’t jumping from one man’s bed to another, is determined to earn her money through hard-work, isn’t scared of working for her money, count yourself very lucky to have such an industrious young lady. It is refreshing to have a young lady these days who believes in making money through sheer hard work and not on her back.
She is probably very considerate; wanting to use this opportunity she has to make money to support herself knowing that you may not have enough to give her on demand.
There is always an element of danger in anything we do, even the most basic thing of eating. The danger of choking on food has not stopped anybody from eating or those whose members of family died from eating a meal.
Life itself is entrenched in danger. If we worry about all the major and minor dangers we daily face, we would be incapacitated by fear. Some people don’t even leave the comfort of their home to die of motor accidents or suffer from dangerous injuries resulting from accidents.
There have been incidents of people dying from stray bullets, which hit them right in the perceived security of their homes.
Yes, the conditions of the roads may spice up fear of her arriving at her various destinations safely, fact remains that only the grace of God is capable of sustaining us all.
If you belief in God and His awesome presence, allow her be because no amount of worrying would stop the hand of fate from ticking to its destination. The only thing that can is prayer. Wherever you are or she is, pray for her. Ensure you keep in touch through phone calls or text messages. This way, you would know when she is in danger and needs your help.
Besides, since these trips are sponsored officially, there is little danger of her lodging in a hotel or guesthouse that would put her in any real threat.
A lot also depends on how you handle your concern for her. No person is immune against concern; however the problem of reciprocation comes from how the concern is packaged or the motive of the one expressing the concern.
She would appreciate it more if she understands you are not complaining because you don’t trust her or suspects her trip of being anything other than the official business she presents to be.
If she suspects you of not trusting her to be a decent girl or using the trips as good excuses to cover up her other activities, nothing you say would make sense to her due to mistrust of your intentions and motive.
But once she knows that your concern for her are expressed because of the love you have for her and fear of losing her should anything happen to her, she would not only be more appreciative but also learn to slow down a bit on her drive to make money.
No matter how tough a woman is, once she comes to the full realisation of how much her man loves her and wants to give her his maximum protection against harm; she would strive to put his interest first.
Good luck.
He may drop me for my friend if…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I appreciated your efforts in helping youths like me and married people in our society to really know who we are and what we actually worth. I pray that the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you and will do every thing you ask of Him.
I am a girl of 21 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27. I really love him so much that I would do almost anything not to lose him.
Before I met him, I vowed following the way my brothers and a lot of other men were cheating on their girlfriends never to fall in love with a man.
I simply wasn’t ready for the use and dump game or the emotional instability a lot of my friends were passing through as a result of the insincerity of their men.
Although I have nothing against having men as my friends, but it was having a relationship with them that I was afraid of. Due to my decision to keep my distance from them, a lot of them didn’t know how to come near me for a relationship.
Unfortunately, I met this guy who incidentally attends the same church with me. Being of the same church, beliefs and doctrine as me, I didn’t envisage any problem with him hence I allowed myself to fall in love with him. In no time, I was really in love with him, but my feelings for him didn’t prevent me from telling him from the beginning about my decision not to go to bed with a man until my wedding night.
Even though he agreed but I am now apprehensive at the way he is putting pressures on me to give in to his sexual demands. I am afraid if I don’t, it might lead him to dropping me for another girl.
A friend I told about the pressures he was putting on me told me to give in to his demands if I don’t want to lose him to another girl.
Despite these nagging fears, I cannot submit to sex with him because of the covenant I went into with God and my mother not to until my wedding night.
But I am now afraid at the way he relates with this girlfriend of mine. They chat, hug, and take delight in calling me an innocent born again. If he calls me twice in a day, he would call her five times that day. He even compares this girl with me; telling me she is a real big girl who understands life.
Agatha, please I am afraid that this girl might snatch him from me. All my efforts to make him understand that I truly love him and that sex is not love have so far fallen on deaf ears. I really love him and I cry all day and night at the way things are between us.
This is a very painful love; one I wish I didn’t feel for this man. Whenever I remember him, it makes me want to go mad. I wish I do not love him, because it is like it is running me mad. Please do anything possible to help me; I don’t know what to do again.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Sincerely, you don’t need this man or friend in your life. Their presence in your life would only derail you. Friends are meant to encourage one to stay on the right track and not discourage one from doing the right thing. A good friend would give you all the support you need to be strong and stay determined not to deliberately set out to hurt you or force you to do what she wants.
Instead of romancing your boyfriend, friendship creed demands she continues to give you her support irrespective of what she thinks of your decision. That she is joining your boyfriend to apply emotional blackmail on you shows that she is somebody you must avoid if you are serious about keeping that vow of yours.
From the behaviour of these two, it is obvious that this man never loved you but simply wanted a chance to get close to you, break down your defences to enable him have his way with you.
This is one thing you must guard against. The answer to keeping your vows is not in avoiding men but in your determination to be focused.
Pains are part of falling in love. You are feeling very lousy, not from being in love with this man but from the betrayal of trust. You must have trusted him before you gave him your love. It is the betrayed trust in a relationship that brings about the pains you are now feelings.
Doubtless both of them have betrayed you in more ways than you even can imagine now. Their behaviour goes beyond the immediate issue of you sleeping with your boyfriend, but also of their faith and applications of the doctrine your church preaches.
If you don’t make the necessary effort now to wrestle yourself from the grips of these two persons, you may find yourself losing faith in the church and what its stands for.
Because of this, you must choose between what is very essential to you, your relationship with God, or allow yourself flow into a relationship that is already doomed from the beginning.
From the behaviour of these two; there is no guarantee that this man and your friend would still not date even if you agree to sleeping with him. For this man, it isn’t a matter of you agreeing to sleep with him, but that of him knowing what he wants from life.
Until he does that, you are not the right woman for him. You will only get hurt staying with him because your love is not what he wants now. Even though he and you attend the same church, the doctrine of the church means nothing to him. Sex would always come first with him and until he comes of age maturely, it wouldn’t matter to him where the sex is coming from.
If he has any respect for you, no matter the temptations your friend offers him; whatever he feels about your decision not to have sex with him or the reason he has for whatever it is he is doing with your friend, he would first consider your feelings. That he seems indifferent to the aches and pains in your heart over his conduct is evidence of his lack of sensitivity to you.
The man you need is the one who has enough respect for you to put his feelings second to your own. Love is about selflessness. To have sexual feelings is normal so what his feelings isn’t out of place, but what is definitely out of place is not putting your reason and feelings before his.
A man who loves you would not mind the emotional discomfort of not being able to sleep with you now; knowing that he would eventually have all of you to himself when the time is right.
In the matters of life, our covenant with God is the most important. He remains the only stable force in life turbulent ocean. If you forsake God out of fear of losing this man – who would you turn to when this man decides to leave you for other woman? Who will heal you of the pains of betrayal and disappointment?
I think you should count yourself very lucky he manifested himself before you changed your mind about sleeping with him. How would you have felt if after giving of yourself to him; he still drops you for another girl on account of the other person being more experienced than you or that he has fallen in love with that person? It could have been worse and your pains more grave.
Keep insisting you would not give to his demands and that if he loves you; he would willingly wait for you to be ready for him.
Yes, the pains of first love may hurt deeper than others but you would overcome it. Time, the greatest healer, never fails to do its work. And because you did it for God, He would give you a man who would always put your interest and happiness before his.
You are feeling the pains because you didn’t ask God for His input before going into the relationship. Had you looked beyond the physical structure of the church to the church in his heart; his real person through prayers, you would have known the storm he represents in your life.
Whatever you do, don’t allow the pains and acute disappointment you have experienced with him stop you from falling in love. The beauty about life is the many times we are able to recover after each fall.
All you have to do is to remain focused by refusing to take the popular options. The most beautiful results we get from life are usually from the difficult options we take.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I appreciated your efforts in helping youths like me and married people in our society to really know who we are and what we actually worth. I pray that the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you and will do every thing you ask of Him.
I am a girl of 21 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27. I really love him so much that I would do almost anything not to lose him.
Before I met him, I vowed following the way my brothers and a lot of other men were cheating on their girlfriends never to fall in love with a man.
I simply wasn’t ready for the use and dump game or the emotional instability a lot of my friends were passing through as a result of the insincerity of their men.
Although I have nothing against having men as my friends, but it was having a relationship with them that I was afraid of. Due to my decision to keep my distance from them, a lot of them didn’t know how to come near me for a relationship.
Unfortunately, I met this guy who incidentally attends the same church with me. Being of the same church, beliefs and doctrine as me, I didn’t envisage any problem with him hence I allowed myself to fall in love with him. In no time, I was really in love with him, but my feelings for him didn’t prevent me from telling him from the beginning about my decision not to go to bed with a man until my wedding night.
Even though he agreed but I am now apprehensive at the way he is putting pressures on me to give in to his sexual demands. I am afraid if I don’t, it might lead him to dropping me for another girl.
A friend I told about the pressures he was putting on me told me to give in to his demands if I don’t want to lose him to another girl.
Despite these nagging fears, I cannot submit to sex with him because of the covenant I went into with God and my mother not to until my wedding night.
But I am now afraid at the way he relates with this girlfriend of mine. They chat, hug, and take delight in calling me an innocent born again. If he calls me twice in a day, he would call her five times that day. He even compares this girl with me; telling me she is a real big girl who understands life.
Agatha, please I am afraid that this girl might snatch him from me. All my efforts to make him understand that I truly love him and that sex is not love have so far fallen on deaf ears. I really love him and I cry all day and night at the way things are between us.
This is a very painful love; one I wish I didn’t feel for this man. Whenever I remember him, it makes me want to go mad. I wish I do not love him, because it is like it is running me mad. Please do anything possible to help me; I don’t know what to do again.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Sincerely, you don’t need this man or friend in your life. Their presence in your life would only derail you. Friends are meant to encourage one to stay on the right track and not discourage one from doing the right thing. A good friend would give you all the support you need to be strong and stay determined not to deliberately set out to hurt you or force you to do what she wants.
Instead of romancing your boyfriend, friendship creed demands she continues to give you her support irrespective of what she thinks of your decision. That she is joining your boyfriend to apply emotional blackmail on you shows that she is somebody you must avoid if you are serious about keeping that vow of yours.
From the behaviour of these two, it is obvious that this man never loved you but simply wanted a chance to get close to you, break down your defences to enable him have his way with you.
This is one thing you must guard against. The answer to keeping your vows is not in avoiding men but in your determination to be focused.
Pains are part of falling in love. You are feeling very lousy, not from being in love with this man but from the betrayal of trust. You must have trusted him before you gave him your love. It is the betrayed trust in a relationship that brings about the pains you are now feelings.
Doubtless both of them have betrayed you in more ways than you even can imagine now. Their behaviour goes beyond the immediate issue of you sleeping with your boyfriend, but also of their faith and applications of the doctrine your church preaches.
If you don’t make the necessary effort now to wrestle yourself from the grips of these two persons, you may find yourself losing faith in the church and what its stands for.
Because of this, you must choose between what is very essential to you, your relationship with God, or allow yourself flow into a relationship that is already doomed from the beginning.
From the behaviour of these two; there is no guarantee that this man and your friend would still not date even if you agree to sleeping with him. For this man, it isn’t a matter of you agreeing to sleep with him, but that of him knowing what he wants from life.
Until he does that, you are not the right woman for him. You will only get hurt staying with him because your love is not what he wants now. Even though he and you attend the same church, the doctrine of the church means nothing to him. Sex would always come first with him and until he comes of age maturely, it wouldn’t matter to him where the sex is coming from.
If he has any respect for you, no matter the temptations your friend offers him; whatever he feels about your decision not to have sex with him or the reason he has for whatever it is he is doing with your friend, he would first consider your feelings. That he seems indifferent to the aches and pains in your heart over his conduct is evidence of his lack of sensitivity to you.
The man you need is the one who has enough respect for you to put his feelings second to your own. Love is about selflessness. To have sexual feelings is normal so what his feelings isn’t out of place, but what is definitely out of place is not putting your reason and feelings before his.
A man who loves you would not mind the emotional discomfort of not being able to sleep with you now; knowing that he would eventually have all of you to himself when the time is right.
In the matters of life, our covenant with God is the most important. He remains the only stable force in life turbulent ocean. If you forsake God out of fear of losing this man – who would you turn to when this man decides to leave you for other woman? Who will heal you of the pains of betrayal and disappointment?
I think you should count yourself very lucky he manifested himself before you changed your mind about sleeping with him. How would you have felt if after giving of yourself to him; he still drops you for another girl on account of the other person being more experienced than you or that he has fallen in love with that person? It could have been worse and your pains more grave.
Keep insisting you would not give to his demands and that if he loves you; he would willingly wait for you to be ready for him.
Yes, the pains of first love may hurt deeper than others but you would overcome it. Time, the greatest healer, never fails to do its work. And because you did it for God, He would give you a man who would always put your interest and happiness before his.
You are feeling the pains because you didn’t ask God for His input before going into the relationship. Had you looked beyond the physical structure of the church to the church in his heart; his real person through prayers, you would have known the storm he represents in your life.
Whatever you do, don’t allow the pains and acute disappointment you have experienced with him stop you from falling in love. The beauty about life is the many times we are able to recover after each fall.
All you have to do is to remain focused by refusing to take the popular options. The most beautiful results we get from life are usually from the difficult options we take.
Good luck.
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