Dear Agatha,
I want to share my experience with you and want you to advise me accordingly. There is this girl I have been dating since secondary school days. I was in Senior Secondary School class one when we started. That was 12 years ago.
I honestly thought we had it all going but recently, she told me to my face that she has doubts about us.
Honestly this isn't the first time she is saying such thing. This would be the third time. This time, it was different because she told me of her need to have a back up to me.
The first time she complained about the distance our relationship had to endure. Because of this, she actually left me to date another man only to come back to complain about the physical molestation the guy was subjecting her to. She actually begged me to forgive her so I took her back with no reference to what happened between us, whereas, she had rejected me for less offence. But being my first love, there is nothing I won't do for her even at some cost to my person and comfort.
The guy she said she keeps for backup is based abroad. Recently he sent her a picture of the car he bought her all in an attempt to win her heart but I am worried she would meet with disappointments from the way I see things.
I am 25 years of age and had just finished my university education. I am currently waiting for my call up letter while she is still a part time student based in Lagos while I am in Ogun State. I love her dearly, likewise my entire family. If you ask me now who I would love to spend the rest of my life with, I would pick her without hesitation. Yet problem is now knocking on my door. What should I do?
Martins.
Dear Martins,
Allow her be. At this stage, there is nothing you tell her or do which would make her change her mind because it is obvious that she is determined to go ahead with this new relationship.
There is no teacher like experience. Liken what is happening to her to a child determined to romance fire. Nothing the mother does or says would prevent the curious child from touching the flames of a naked fire.
Only the experience of the pains inflicted by the fire can prevent the child from going near fire again. The attractions of a car as well as the lure of going abroad are two powerful incentives for any young materialistic girl to resist.
Compared to life abroad, she feels what you have to offer her is dull and unattractive.
Your concerns for her now would be wasted, misinterpreted as being instigated by your self-desires. If you push too hard, you would not only be losing a girlfriend but a friend of almost 12 years.
So learn to thread softly else you end up becoming bitter enemies for life. Besides there is an adage that if you love something very much, allow it some freedom and if it comes back of its own freewill then it is yours to keep. There is no keeping a woman who doesn't want to be kept by a man. She would only end up hurting you in such a way you would wish you had allowed her freedom in the first place.
Already, she has started having affairs. How long do you think your love can endure this humiliation, and continue to keep her from misbehaving?
If a woman is determined not to gate-keep her body, there is nothing the man in her life can do to make her stay within the bounds of a relationship. That is the reality of the matter. You can only love a person but cannot force that person to have feelings for you.
Frankly, she has outgrown you and has her eyes on other men she considered better than you.
Keeping her too long would not only at the end of the day destroy your trust in women but also prevent you from beginning something new with a woman who truly loves you.
The opportunity provided by your coming National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) is one for you to begin afresh. Life is about given opportunities. Every day, God gives us opportunities to change our ways for the better but the fear of the unknown limits us from taking the right steps.
This lady has told you in many ways, she doesn't have confidence in you anymore, lacks respect for you. Don't allow her humiliate you more than she has done or destroy you for another woman to manage.
Being in love is not being stupid. For her to have confronted you with her desire to have a spare man to you shows her mind is made up and has adequately considered all her options carefully.
The NYSC programme will help you forget about her and concentrate on finding the right kind of girl. Before leaving for your NYSC scheme, openly declare your own decisions too to begin afresh. She is taking advantage of the quality of love you have for her to misbehave. The moment she knows you are also capable of leaving her, she either decides to behave or take off to her new lover's arms.
Granted it would hurt you to now see 12 years of your love evaporate into thin air but eventually, you will be glad you did. With this kind of woman, there is no telling what she is capable of doing if you eventually marry her and things aren't going too smooth for you.
Frankly you should be glad at the development because it would have been a greater calamity to you, if you had discovered this side of her after getting married to her.
If it is any consolation, God is still very much in the business of meeting our needs and making ways out of every difficult situation. Trust Him and see how well He transforms this moment for you into pure happiness.
Good luck.
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