Dear Agatha,
There is no better person I would like to share this problem with. My boyfriend’s love for me used to be unconditional until I was blackmailed by friend. Since then he has found it difficult to believe I am not after his money. I get less or no attention from him since then.
We started dating last year December. From the very first moments we met, he did everything to tell me true love exists. He taught me the meaning of true love. He has actually proposed marriage to me and told me to leave whosoever I was dating, because he meant every word about wanting me permanently in his life.
In turn, I told him my story and how my father is striving to take care of us. In January, he went back to his base, but kept in touch by his frequent phone calls. He seems to be on the phone every minute and never deprived me of anything I asked for.
To my pains, I later discovered he has a wife and child. When I confronted him, he didn’t deny it, but explained that he only married the white lady to make his stay in America permanent. He begged me not to leave him on account of his marital status, because he cannot afford to let me go. This was until my friend blackmailed me.
From that point he changed. In addition to reducing the frequency of his communication with me, he stopped sending me money. All these started about the nine months ago. Because of the promised I made to him, I haven’t allowed any man close to me despite not being sure he is still interested in marrying me. Besides, with the experiences I am having with him, I am not so sure I can cope with long distant relationship. Again, I can’t marry a man who already has a wife.
The thing now is that I am finding it very difficult to fall in love with another man. February was the last time he sent me money. It doesn’t really bother me because I am not after his money. I truly love him and hoping he will one day change to the loving man I fell in love with.
But I am beginning to run out of patience, because I am a young lady who desires a serious man in her life. Agatha what can I do since I am fed up, hoping he would change as well as striving to get little things a boy should ordinarily provide for his girlfriend. I am tired.
Dejected Girl.
Dear Dejected Girl,
Do you know what you want at all? Perhaps you should start by being honest with yourself. On one hand you said you are not keen on marrying a married man, but here you are still hoping this man (married with a wife and child) would come back to you? Isn’t this a contradiction?
Besides, what did you do to make your friend blackmail you? Surely you must have done something to warrant this friend blackmailing you, because blackmail happens when there is something to hide? What did you do? And what sort of blackmail did your friend execute to make him believe you are after his money? The question is are you really in love with him? Or say you are because of the peaks that come from dating a man who lives in America. What did you tell your friend about your feelings for him or impression you gave to make the friend able to convince the man that you might be interested in his money only?
Frankly, from your story, you may not be able to convince anyone that your interest in this man isn’t the money you get from him. For instance, why are you still hoping a man who is married would come back to you? To do what? To marry you when you claim you cannot marry a man who is already married? If this were true, then you should have since moved on with your life, because he belongs to another woman with whom he already has a child.
Even if you agreed to marry him before you found out he has a wife and child, your discovery automatically frees you from any commitment you have made in ignorance to him. So, what are you waiting for? What is preventing you from accepting to date other men if your interest has nothing to do with the money he was sending you before your friend fibbed on you? Isn’t it obvious from his attitude that he has lost interest in you? Or is it you are hoping he would come back home in December to give you the opportunity of presenting your case?
Has it also occurred to you that a man who finds it easy to cheat on a wife can do so easily with another woman without thinking much of it? In that woman’s shoes how would you feel? A man who exhibits no qualms telling you he married a woman because of the advantage he hopes to get from such a union cannot be trusted to invest his interest too much in any relationship or woman.
One thing you must never forget is that as long as his bread is being buttered by his marriage to that woman, you will never feature prominently in his life, because he risks losing too much from advertising his relationship with another woman.
Unless you are willing to tell yourself the truth concerning your interest in life and what you hope to achieve by waiting for this man, you may never be able to get out a clear picture of where you should go in life.
In the first instance, what do you know about this man? Would you have on such a short time of meeting him, agree to marry him if he weren’t lavishing money and gifts on you? What are your moral values in life? Despite your said position about not wanting to marry a married man would you jettison that if he comes back to you?
There is no better time for you than now to re-order your priority to prevent more disappointments in future. There are various reasons people go into relationship. Whatever your reason may be, learn to be very honest about it and stop being pretentious, because ultimately it is what you want from life that would work for you.
I can give you the best advice here, but if you are not honest about what you want from life, it won’t work. So, first of all clear the fog you have generated in your life by learning to tell the truth, at least to yourself. It is only after that you will have the clear vision to look ahead and take to corrections.
Begin by praying that God helps you to see and appreciate the essence of telling yourself the truth.
Good luck.
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