Am I too old for her?

Dear Agatha, I must commend you for the wonderful salvation you are giving to the relationships of countless people. I wrote you two years ago about a teenager I was in love with and wanted to marry. She was 17 then and I was in my mid 20s. You advised me to wait patiently until she is mature. Now I think she’s mature but it seems she is not ready for me. I’ve offered to train her in school myself and support her in every possible way. But she’s a little bit reluctant. She asked me to wait for additional four years. I can do that for her but my fear is, she might change her mind about me and go for another man. It’s possible she might give a reason that I have become too old for her. How do I make her change her mind. I love her and wish to spend the rest of my life with her. Chinenye. Dear Chinenye, You can force a horse to the river but cannot force it to drink water. Marriage is lot more serious than you are thinking. It is a journey of a lifetime. For it to be enjoyable and not something you endure, it must be contracted with the right kind of person. Yes, you do love this young lady but is she in love with you? Does she share in your desire to spend your lives together? Does she have the passion to get married now? Don’t forget that, like you, she reserves the right to fall in love with the kind of person she wants. If she is refusing you to pay for her schooling, then she knows what she wants from life. She clearly doesn’t want anything that would force her into making a decision she might regret later in life. The truth about life is that not everyone we fall in love with would end up permanently in our lives. She wants the freedom to make her decision when the time comes for her to think of settling down. If for nothing else, give her credit and respect. If she is asking for four years, it is simply because she wants to be more definite about many things in life. Don’t force her into a situation both of you will never enjoy at the end of the day. It is always best not to venture into a marriage than go into one that would leave a very bitter taste in one’s mouth. This young lady may not have the kind of answer you want from her now but, she has the depth of character to stick to whatever promise she makes. To understand her kind of person better, why not talk to her first as person rather than the woman you want to marry? Get to know her kind of person, her dreams, her plans for herself as well as the time she needs to get to that point of being ready to share her space and life with a man. While at it, ask her who her ideal man is? There is no way you can measure your relevance or a future between the two of you without first knowing if you come close to the kind of man she wants in her life. Hearing from her would help you answer all the important questions of whether or not she will want you around her in the four years she has given you. Most times, we don’t get our answers from what a person is saying but from the signals the body is transmitting. If you are observant and deep, you will know from what she isn’t saying what her real answers are. But beyond your desire to marry her, it is important you first become a good friend to her. By doing this, you are giving her as well as yourself the chance to know each other, put your feelings for her to test as well as taking your dreams a step further. It will also give her a chance of appreciating the age differences. There is the likelihood that the almost a decade differences in your ages is what is frightening her. By being friends with her, you make it easy for her to correctly assess your person, attitude as well as outlook to life generally. You must appreciate that at her age of 19, being in your mid 20s can really sound ancient. This is because she is just emerging into a young adult; that she is at that time of her life when like a young butterfly, freedom means so much. Not every woman wants to exchange the nest of her family for that of her husband very soon. She wants to experience, like most young women of her age, the thrills of being young. Certainly, you cannot take that away from her. If she perceives you to be understanding of this stage of her life, as well as understand your willingness to let her grow at her own pace, she might really come to see you differently; a friend, she can depend on anytime. Let the decision to marry you come also from her heart. It is the only way it can last. if you can wait, do so but if not, it only means that both of you aren’t meant to be. Good luck.

My stepson hates me

Dear Agatha, I got married to my second husband two years ago. His first wife left him to marry another man. According to my husband, she hasn’t looked back since she left almost a decade ago, not even to visit the children. They have three children; her last-born was barely a year when she left. Aware of the complexity of marriage, I tried to find out from his friends and family members what the real issues were in his former marriage to warrant the woman packing out and leaving her very young child. Everybody including the lady’s cousins place the blame squarely on her shoulders. Nevertheless, I refrained from passing any judgment because I also didn’t come with a clean record. My own first marriage collapsed. My second husband came at the point I was almost giving up hope of getting married again 12 years after. Right from the first day he brought me home to meet with the children; his eldest son didn’t hide his dislike for me. The others, after the first few weeks, opened up to me. But nothing I do or say makes an impression on him. Before he left for school, I tried all I could to make him my friend but he rebuffed me and actually told me once to stay out of his way. To think my last born is a year older than he is, got me very angry and I would have given him a piece of my mind if my mother-in-law didn’t come in at the time she did to visit us. I was too angry to conceal the situation I was contending with from her, so I had no choice but to tell her the incident that took place minutes before she came. She instantly sent for the boy only to be told by him that he had no wish to be disturbed by her or anybody. Since she was staying the night, she eventually was able to talk to him as well as her son. Although my husband was angry with the son, he told me when we were alone that I should appreciate that the boy is still very young and yet to understand so many things happening in his life. I wanted to point out that the boy in question is 17 but I kept mute. Having learnt that life is governed by patience and tolerance, I left everything I was doing late last year to visit him in school. I went with his siblings but to my acute embarrassment, he didn’t even acknowledge my presence; not even when his brother and sister were dragging him to come and greet me. He told them to leave him alone and walked away. From where I stood beside the car, I could sense the confusion on the faces of the children. They were torn between going after him and coming to me. I had to wave them to follow him while I sat in the car too angry and hurt to do anything but to call their father. By the time the other two came, I had made up my mind about him. I was never going to go out of my way to be nice to him. When we got home, I told my husband of my decision. He wanted to appeal but one look at my face made him change his mind. Given the over indulgence of their father in all the years he was alone with them; he took care of them himself; this young man is totally lacking in respect for anybody including his father whom he talks to anyhow. The main reason I am writing has to do with the behaviour he put up in the presence of my children when they came to visit. We were all watching a particular programme when he came in. He didn’t even bother to greet me or acknowledge the greetings of my children instead he changed the channel to what he wanted to watch, sat down without so much as offering apologies to anybody. When his brother complained, he ordered him out of the living room. My children were livid with anger but I calmed them down insisting it was no business of theirs. I am fed up of the whole thing. Whenever he is around, it is always one problem or the other between the father and I. I think he does most of the things deliberately, to provoke me to leave his father. Please help me understand what I should do because I can’t take it anymore. Rosemary. Dear Rosemary, Every marriage comes with its garbage. The secret to overcoming these kinds of messy situations is to be patient. His days in that house are numbered. Besides, don’t see his behaviour as being targeted at you. The truth is he is fighting the system that made his mother leave his father at the age he needed her most and for not making her look backwards to visit them. He is lashing out at anything and everything he didn’t have as a child. Until he comes to the realisation that marriage is a complicated and intricate weave, which can go apart at the slightest tug. His own experiences later in life will teach him so many things he doesn’t understand now. Until he gets to that juncture in life when he will be forced to reevaluate his opinions about so many things, learn to ignore him after all, if you were his mother, you won’t throw him away instead you will continue to pray for him to change. He must have been young when his mother left him and by virtue of his position as the eldest, had dominated the household until you came into the scene. Granted his father may have over-indulged them but there is little he can do given the circumstances he finds himself in. Apart from dealing with his disappointment as a human being, he also had the added responsibility of parenting children that were so young. It couldn’t have been easy for him managing his own emotions with that of tending for his children. Overtime he must have come to depend on his first son to care for the younger ones in his absence. In his shoes, such freedom for such a young person could intoxicate. Freedom is such a funny thing; when given without strings of responsibilities, it could be destructive. This young man had all the freedom in the world to do and undo; asking him by your mere presence in his father’s life and home to give it up is bound to elicit this kind of reaction he is putting up. Having tried to win him over to no avail, rather than let him get under your skin to the extent of taking it out of his father, ignore him completely. Whenever he is around, pretend he doesn’t even exist at all. Talk through him even when he is there by sending his younger ones to inform him of where his food is or whatever message you want to pass across. Nothing hurts like being treated as if one is completely invisible. From my experience as a child, it hurts more than the anger of my mother who was an expert at applying the invisible approach in beating back into line. Whenever he is watching a particular programme, change the channel without even a glance his way. When he makes an angry response, laugh as if enjoying the programme on the television. Don’t give in to anger especially in his presence; it will teach him to ask for permission also before changing channels too. To avoid unnecessary tension between you and your husband, brief him on what you intend to do so that when he goes to his father with the report, he won’t do anything to upset or embarrass you in the presence of his son. On your own, begin to pray for him. He is really bitter at all that is happening to him. No matter how you look at it, life hasn’t been fair to this young man. The other two are not as affected because they can’t remember what their mother looked like. To them, it has always been just them and their father. Therefore having you is a thing of joy for them. You are the first mother they know unlike him that knew what it was like to have a mother from the beginning. He will eventually thaw but it will take a lot of patience and sincere love to bring out the angel in this young man who is also battling young adulthood. Good luck

His first wife appears to be using charms on him

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am the second wife of my husband. Although he came with some of his friends to pay my bride price, most of his family members are unaware of my existence in his life. The day I accompanied him to his hometown, he introduced me to his mother as his colleague. The reason, he said, was to prevent gossips and the information about my existence getting to his first wife, he described as being very troublesome. I agreed to this kind of arrangement because at 38 and with a child from a previous marriage, he is the only one that offered to marry me. Every other man that has come into my life only wanted my body. They abruptly end the relationship whenever I broach the issue of marriage. In addition he cares deeply for my son. But I am becoming bothered about certain things. Since we got married about seven months ago, he has only slept in my house thrice and even at that he entertains calls from his first wife late into the night. Even when I crave for private moments with him, he will not put off his phone to enable him take her calls. I am about eight months gone; he hasn’t given me money to buy baby things. The last time I asked, he said, he doesn’t have money that I should use my money to buy the things. He promised to refund just like he made a similar pledge when I used the money on me to pay for my accommodation. He hasn’t refunded the money till date. Being a civil servant, I am aware he doesn’t have so much money to spread but is it right for me to be using my money to pay for bills he is supposed to pay for? Is it right for him to keep ignoring my feelings simply because he doesn’t want to other woman to know about me? My mother who is in the know about everything is saying I should be patient but I cannot understand why he isn’t bothered about my welfare as well as that of his unborn baby. Recently, he and some of his colleagues did a deal and his share of it was N150, 000. 00. I wanted him to pay the money into my account because my delivery date is drawing nearer. Rather than do that, he went to the hospital and deposited N75, 000. 00. He said he can’t give me everything because he also has to complete the payment of the school fees of his children. I really felt let down by his argument. I am carrying his child. What if we run into an emergency that would require more money? Would I be expected to bring out money to balance it? I really don’t know what to make of all that is happening to me. I am seriously thinking of walking up to his wife to tell her about me as being suggested by my friends. With the way he is going, I stand to lose if anything happens to him. He recently bought a piece of land; if I don’t make myself obvious to his family and friends; the first wife will take away everything leaving me un-provided for. I don’t understand why he is so afraid of her: he behaves most time like a man under the influence of juju. What do you suggest I do? Worried Second Wife Dear Worried Second Wife, You knew the rules of the game before you entered into it so why are you complaining or do you want to change the rules mid-game? As a matter of fact, if there is anyone to be accused of using charms, a lot of people would readily accuse you of seeking the assistance of charms to marry another woman’s husband. Don’t forget you are the strange woman in the relationship between this woman and her husband. You are the one who agreed to marry her husband despite knowing he already has a family, who is insisting on sharing his resources, time, future with her and her children. Why didn’t you allege influence of charms when he insisted he wasn’t going to introduce you to his parents before or after the marriage? Why did it take the matter of property and money to make you come this conclusion? In your own interest, you should abide with the arrangement both of you made. It would be absolutely wrong for you to betray him by going to the woman he told you from day one must not know about you. All the attitudes you are putting up now should have been exhibited at the very beginning when he spelt out his options especially at the point he introduced you to his mother as his colleague. Honestly, the wife has no business with you. if you want to be introduced to the family, it isn’t his wife you should go to; it is actually to his mother. Since you were not bold enough back then to challenge his wisdom and reason in passing you off to his mother as a colleague instead of his second wife; allow the matter to rest especially as you had faith in his arguments back then. Irrespective of the propriety of your decision to marry this man; your union is still too young to be experiencing the kinds of challenges it is going through. Every marriage requires plenty doses of tolerance, wisdom and patience. You have to learn to trust in your husband and his decisions. Even where you think his attitude is unfair to you, there are ways of going about it. That is why dialogue is often advocated for couples no matter how old or young they are in marriage. See whatever is happening in your marriage as integral to the success if the union in the long run. Every couple must go through certain kinds of challenges to give their relationship its character. You must appreciate that both of you are two different people, with dissimilar attitudes, reactions and beliefs. Both of you must first deal with your diversity before you can enjoy what life and marriage offer. Rather than go to your friends for wrong counsels why not call your man and iron out every issue you are confused about. But you must first know what you are going to discuss else your attempt to resolve the issues would end up in both of you fighting if your presentation is laced in selfishness. The important question here is, why are you against him paying his children school fees? The fact that he deposited half of the money at the hospital shows that he has you in mind. That money is enough to clear your bills if it is a normal delivery which is what you should pray for. If he doesn’t pay the school fees of those children, they maybe stopped from attending classes. Nothing should interfere with a child’s education; so allow him be. The fact that he owes you money for rent and for baby things is not enough reason for you to fight him or question his motive on this issue. Don’t forget he didn’t have to tell you about the money. If you make too much trouble with him over this matter, chances are he will never discuss money with you again after all what you don’t know won’t hurt you. Rather than risk him mistrusting you over money matters, calm down and objectively take a relook at this matter. If you were in the other woman’s shoes, how would you feel if your children are sent out of school as a result of the inability of their father to pay their fees? More than you, she and her children have rights over this man’s resources and time. You are the one that has come to disrupt things between them. She contributed to the man you are now married to and must have done a lot for him for your husband to have insisted you keep out of her view. If as second wife you are this agitated over issues that you should gently handle, one can only imagine what your reactions would be as first wife. To enjoy this man, accept the way he is leading you and forget those friends of yours. They don’t mean well for you. If it were easy for you to find a husband, I am sure you and your mother wouldn’t have agreed to his terms. The fact that you both willingly did, shows the level of desperation you got to before this man came along. Don’t think having secured him through pregnancy or the kind of rushed traditional marriage you did, would make him stay if he doesn’t want you anymore. You should be grateful that he finds time to spend with you at all. If he insists on keeping his phone on while with you; respect his reasons since he is the one wearing the shoes. Frankly, it would have been a different matter if he didn’t explain everything to you, just started behaving funny after he married you. But having taken time to explain in details, go with the tide. Remember only the patient dog eats the fattest born at the end of the day. Good luck.

Should I tell my brother about her rotten past?

Dear Agatha, I am in a dilemma of whether to destroy my brother’s happiness by telling him all the things I know about his wife to be or allow the matter to rest. About two months ago, my elder brother brought home the lady he plans to marry. Unfortunately for the lady, I know too much about her. we attended the same university and lived in the same hostel. She had the reputation of being a commercial sex worker. She didn’t hide the fact that she sold her body in exchange for money. Once the price was right, this girl will sleep with anything in trousers. She was also into campus cultism At a time she was dating the father of my roommate. When my friend threatened to report the affair to her mother, she came into our room with some of her cult members to beat her up and left with a warning that the next time, it may not just be beating but bathing her with acid. From that point, my friend stayed off the case of her father and this lady until the relationship expired on its own. Throughout our stay in the university, she was notorious with a capital N. We also served in the same State. You can therefore imagine my surprise when she turned out to be the woman my elder brother wants to spend the rest of his life with five years after. He is our only son and I love him dearly. He is the most kind hearted man I know. If I expected her to deny knowing me, she didn’t. Right there in the presence of my family, she told them she knew me; that we attended the same school and served in the same State. She also told them we weren’t close in school even though we were in the same hostel. From my facial expression, my mother sensed something was wrong. She asked if I knew her, I answered in the affirmative and garbled about her not being good enough for my brother. She silenced me with one of those looks that meant, “keep quiet and mind your own business”. Mothers being mothers, she called me later to tell her what I know about the lady; without holding anything back, I told her everything. She didn’t respond for about 30 minutes and when she did, I almost fainted. She told me not to say a word to my brother; that looking at both of them, they were really in love and that he would not welcome any interference by me in his affairs. She concluded that I should in the interest of peace in the family pretend to like his choice. I honestly don’t agree with my mother who has always been too fair for my liking. She is one of those women who is passionate about allowing sleeping dogs be. I am so confused about everything. Much as I want to mind my business, the thought of her, with her past record is making me apprehensive about the future of that marriage. I don’t want her near my brother let alone as his wife. How do I separate them? She is bad news. Angelica. Dear Angelica, Do you know that people can change? That between the time, you both parted ways and when she met your brother, she could have changed for the better? That love has the power to change a bad woman to a good and humble woman? That your brother might have a hand in this change? I am sure you are conscious of the instruction of God in His Holy Book that we should refrain from judging others so that we won’t be judged by others. Granted you have every right to want to protect your brother from a woman you know has the kind of reputation that might destroy him but matters of the heart, are not mathematics where one plus one equals two. The chemistry of love is too strong and complex to be understood by the uninitiated. Except you have experienced that unusual impact of love, with all its power and awesomeness, you cannot understand what your brother and this woman feel for each other. Besides, who is clean of a not too pleasant past? Can you in all honesty come clean with some of the things you have done at one time or the other? As long as a woman isn’t a virgin on her wedding night, she is as guilty as the commercial sex worker that stands by the road. It doesn’t matter if she has conducted herself well all her life, the fact that she came into her matrimonial home with the blemish of experience, she stands also to be condemned by her husband or any member of his family. This is because any man can claim to have had her before she met her husband. This lady too can turn round to say the same things you are saying about her if she is the hard fighter. It would be her word against your own if you aren’t intact. If your mother who has more experience than you in matters of the heart is asking you to back off despite having the full dossier on her, drop the matter. She sees far ahead of you and knows that the heart of the man once hooked, can forgive his woman every sin she might have committed in the past. And what makes you think she hasn’t told your brother about her past? Her courage to admit knowing you in school and that both of you served together, should sound an alarm bell that this lady is confident and secured in the love of her man. Another woman not so confident would have either denied knowing you, not recalling your face or that you two were the best of pals. That she told the truth about your relationship with her is pregnant with meaning which if you are wise should make you wary of direct inference in this matter. Women with such experiences are always wise to come clean when they eventually find the right kind of man. Their experiences have made them too knowledgeable in the ways of men to keep quiet about the past. What I think you should do if you must, is to invite her out for a date. Tell your brother it is a girls’ thing. Since both of you attended the same school, served together and as she is about to become your sister-in-law, you want to catch up on old times. When alone, ask her pointed questions about her life in the last five years; how she met your brother and the major one you want to know; her current lifestyle. Don’t go antagonizing her. You will only make things difficult between the two of you. Don’t forget that as the wife of your only brother, she holds the key to the peace and well being of your family. This is why you should be careful how you go about this. She could make it impossible for you and your brother to be friends for life. Being the wife of the head of the family, she could insist on doing things that will exclude you from the rest of the family. So be careful because men, whether they admit to it or not, are subject to the authorities of their wives. They get close to only the people their wives approve of. This is not to say you shouldn’t let her know what you think of her but be very mature in your presentation. If she hasn’t told your brother everything about her past, insist she does to protect her home and if she has, wish her all the best of luck. Chances are both of you can be friends if you handle this matter very well. Even though what I am about to say isn’t an excuse for her behavior, the condition of her family may have forced her into the kind of life-style she lived then. Not every girl that gains admission to school has a sponsor. Her determination to succeed at all cost may have made her crossed her mind to the thoughts of people about her. You were not in her shoes so won’t know what she was going through back then. But asking her will help throw light into the thoughts that must have been going through her mind then. In addition, your brother must have seen certain qualities in her that convinced him to propose to her. Respect his own feelings too. Instead of discouraging him, pray for both of them to find happiness and fulfillment in each other. Good luck.

I will never trust a woman again

Dear Agatha, I am 32 years of age. I had a son when I was in the university but didn’t marry the mother of my child because I caught her in bed with my best friend. Everything in me died that day. I lost confidence in myself, friends and the world generally. I loved her with my entire being. I was ready to do anything for her and my best friend, we were like brothers. I felt really betrayed. Unfortunately, I walked into them with another friend who in turn told other friends. Left to me, I wouldn’t have bothered telling anybody about it. Following this development, some of my friends pressured me to contest the paternity of my son but my mother insisted the child was mine. She said, the baby was my replica at that age. The assurance from my mother didn’t make me question the paternity of my child. Eight years down the road, the boy is my mirror age and my source of unconditional joy. I have had several relationships but none lasted beyond the first few months. After that incident, I became ruthless with women. When she came back to beg me, I didn’t turn her away but instead humiliated her by sleeping with her for several months before showing her the exit door. I didn’t stop at that, I made sure the new woman I was dating then and her friends witnessed her disgrace. From that point, it was kiss and drop because I see deceit in every woman. It almost affected my relationship with my mother and siblings but they were very understanding of my state of mind. Emotionally, I have been a mess since that incident. But last year, I was able to take control of myself and decided to fall in love again. Although my present girlfriend appears responsible and is loving but I cannot get the image of my first girlfriend out of my mind. Each time I want to trust my current girlfriend, the image of my ex and my former best friend making love appears to destroy everything. I hear that my former best friend and my ex got married. This piece of information makes me more determined to hurt as many women as possible. Unfortunately, it is affecting my relationship with my current girlfriend who on the surface appears to be a well brought up girl. Just two weeks ago, she informed me that she is pregnant. This is where my real fear comes from. What if the child is a trap or not mine? What if another friend is sleeping with her? Can I ever trust another woman again? Will I ever be rid of pains of that betrayal? Agatha, help me; deep down I see women generally as devils. Paul. Dear Paul, First you have to rid your mind of the notion that women are evil. Both men and women need each other to be fully complete. That one woman betrayed shouldn’t stop you from trusting again. There is no adult that hasn’t a sad love tale to tell. Relationship and disappointment go hand in hand. Life is about pains, disappointments and joy. Sometimes God takes away bad people from our lives to enable Him give us a better person. Rather than bemoan the fact that you caught your ex with your former best friend, why not look at the flip side of the coin; that of appreciating God for making it happen before you committed the mistake of marrying a woman who would have been sleeping with your best friend behind you or one that would have stood you up at the altar. Which one would have been more painful-finding out too late that you married the wrong woman or what you witnessed? If she and your friend eventually got married to each other, it should tell you that both of you weren’t meant to move beyond the point you parted ways. What you owe each other is that child. So why remain bitter against something fate didn’t plan for you? Besides, you cannot afford to hold on to this grudge longer than necessary because you are the one who is suffering from it all. Both of them are married and living their lives; if they weren’t happy with each other, they won’t end up getting married. Irrespective of what they did to you, they are obviously happy with each other. They can’t be bothered with what or how you feel about them: if God hasn’t approved of a thing, who is man to make it happen? Honesty, you should be grateful to God for His mercy rather than wallow in self pity and bitterness at what could have been. What would you have done if the incident happened after you have married her? Going through a bad marriage is one of the worst things that can happen to a man or woman in life especially if all your life, you have looked forward to having a happy home. You have mourned for too long. Not every relationship we enter into ends up in marriage. That you both have a child together isn’t the same as having a good life together. She has made her choice, time for you too to make your choice else the world will think you are the problem. As a matter of fact, your reaction is unwittingly making you a monster to many women who have been unjustly hurt by your refusal to let go of the memories of your hurt. No matter what your justifications are, the women you have hurt will use your example to judge all men who come their way. Like you are doing now, they will label men too as devils and in turn throw away their chances to happiness in a relationship with a better man than you. You have every right to be hurt but making others suffer for your inability to outgrow your pains after eight years isn’t fair. By now, with more age on your side, you should realize love is a chemistry that happens in unexpected places. Sometimes, it is so blind it can happen when you least expect and between two very odd persons. Unless you give yourself another opportunity to love again, experience a different kind of woman, you will never know what true love is all about. With the right kind of woman, you will overtime come to appreciate the essence of love. Life is a risk. Just like you are taking a risk falling in love with her, she is also taking a risk entrusting her heart and life to you. Love is a gamble but it behooves you to trust in your own decisions to make it work. You are feeling the effects of that betrayal and pains because you have refused to let go. It is imperative you bury the memories of that betrayal so as to be free to love this woman in your life. You have to let happiness permeate your current relationship by making out time to find out who your current woman rally is. It is the only way to build trust again. She must have a very special quality for you to have fallen in love with her notwithstanding your current disposition to women. This is what you should devote your time to finding out instead of looking for excuses where none is. Besides, your ex didn’t even foist on another man’s child so why are you afraid this one would? Create time for both of you to really be together to talk. The power of dialogue is great in healing wounds, no matter how old. Without you giving yourself a chance to experience the good side of a woman, how will you find out the angels within women? For every bad person, there are two good ones waiting to be discovered around the corner. Women are not all devils just as men are not too. Situations and circumstances we find ourselves influence our reactions to certain things. You will be surprised to discover that God has sent an angel your way to heal you. Your refusal to let go of yesterday’s memories may have blocked you from appreciating her but deep in your subconscious is that awareness that she is good for you hence the reason you fell in love with her despite your antagonism towards women. Once you give yourself the freedom to trust again, you will definitely be happy one more time. Trust is all you need to obliterate all the nagging questions you have allowed to hunt you about women and relationships. Good luck.

Is this man in love with me?

With Agatha Edo Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age, have a boyfriend who resides some distance from me. He claims to love me but doesn’t call me on phone. I am the one who is always calling him. Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more. My worry is, if he loves me as he claims. It is so confusing for me because he doesn’t show it. How can love exist where there is no communication? If I don’t call, he won’t bother. It appears as if he completely forgets about my existence if I don’t make the call. I have kept calling him because he means so much to me. It hurts so much. My friends who are in the know think I am being stupid and foolishly in love. Do please tell me what to do. Mary. Dear Mary, The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues. He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make. The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability. You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now. However it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication; it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death. But beyond that; this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude and, the message this is communicating to you. By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving these initial problems. You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you coming across as being desperate. You have shown him you care, love him but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls maybe making him wary of taking it further for fear of you dominating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with. Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you. It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are. Good luck.

My sister wants to return the son I gave her

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Twenty-five years ago, I gave my child out to my elder sister whose uterus was defective from birth. As early as five, doctors told our parents she would never be able to have a child in her life. When I became pregnant and my boyfriend refused to accept responsibility of the pregnancy, she begged me not to terminate it; that I should instead have the baby and give it to her. I agreed because I was afraid to go through the process of abortion, which wasn’t as common then as it is now. The baby turned out to be a boy. I handed him to my sister right in the hospital. I am not sure she told her husband about the state of her womb because while I was pregnant, she also pretended she was. She practically moved in with us to make her pretense easier for her. Apart from our immediate family, nobody is aware of what happened. My mother was a matron and had her own clinic. She handled everything. The birth record of the boy reads my sister’s name and that of her husband. I have since married with four other children. I didn’t bother to tell my husband about the boy because to me the incident didn’t happen at all. I didn’t even bother to tell him I was pregnant before. My first two children are in the university while the younger ones are in secondary school. My husband is the best thing that could happen to any woman. About five years ago, my sister joined a church. She started by keeping her distance from the family. Two years later, she sent my son back to me without saying anything. Since she didn’t, say anything, I also didn’t but about three months ago, she told me she wants to return the child to me and to confess to her husband and mine that I am the real mother of the child. She said her pastor said she should go and confess her sins. My mother has tried to talk her out of it pointing out that it would affect my marriage since my husband knows nothing about our arrangement but she has refused, insisting she doesn’t want to go to hell. I don’t want my marriage to break up because only last week, I questioned my husband on what he would do if he finds out that I have a child I never told him about. His reply prompted this mail to you; he said he would terminate our marriage. What do I do? I cannot afford to lose my home because of the good I did for my sister. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Don’t wait for her to blow the whistle on you, go first to your husband with your story; no matter how unpalatable he finds the story. It is best he gets to hear it from you first before your sister gets to him. If she does, you would have lost the opportunity of retaining the trust and confidence of your husband for life. There is nothing you would ever say thereafter that he will believe. Even though he would be pained and disappointed at the knowledge that you hid this piece of information from him, it is the very reason you should really plead with him to forgive you; that you kept the information away from him because of the vow you made to your sister and family. That, telling him would have amounted to betraying the collective trust of your family and that you admit you would never have told him if your sister didn’t have a change of mind. If the matter gets out of hand, get your mother, since she is still alive to further talk to him. Being elderly and privy to the whole arrangement, she has the experience to further cool him down and beg for the understanding of your husband. Let her take the blame of your not telling him. I am sure if she explains her role in the whole episode as well as her influence over you to him, he would understand and better appreciate your position. While at it, give him the full details of how you got pregnant and how the father of your child hasn’t bothered to look back ever since. This is the juncture you let him have all the details about your life so that you don’t ever have to apologise to him about your past again. This is necessary to avoid putting your marriage through this kind of situation. It would be too much of a burden for the marriage if you neglect to let him have all the information about your past life. No matter the angle you look at this matter from, if the truth must be told, you should have confided in your husband for the simple reason that you could run into somebody who knew you when you were pregnant in the presence of your husband all those years ago. What would be your reaction if the person asks the innocent question of the whereabouts of that child? Did you ever consider the possibility in all these arrangements with your sister of the biological father of that boy coming someday to ask for his child? Marriage isn’t a transient thing, rather it is for a lifetime. No matter how tight your arrangement was with your sister, this is one secret that couldn’t have lasted forever. These kinds of stories have a way of erupting when one least expects. That is why couples must always come clean with stories of their past. What you, your sister and mother tried to do was play god in a matter that God has already decided. What He did was to use your sister to stop you from aborting that child and giving your sister a child to help her through her most vulnerable period in life. The fact that she wants to tell the truth shouldn’t stop the boy from living with her. The only thing is that he now knows the identity of his biological mother. After living with her for 25 years, it would be unfair to all concerned even if she appears unreasonable, selfish and stiff-necked if you accept your son back without giving her the option to continue to be his mother. Her husband may not forgive the deceit of what happened all those years ago, hence would need the warmth of the only child she has ever known to pull her through. Therefore, forgive whatever she is trying to do to your marriage and life by helping her cope with the emotional challenges she is about to unleash on herself and marriage. But beyond your husband and sister, is the challenge of confronting your son with the details of his birth. While your husband may not bother too much about the identity of the father of your son, your son would definitely demand it from you. Be prepared to go back in time to give him all the information that will help him live a normal life again. He is a man; he might want to drop his current name for his father’s. Be prepared to show him love and be there for him anytime he needs your attention and even when he appears not to need you. More than anyone of you, he is the one who is going to suffer more emotional problem from all these. This is the time you have to be the mother you have never been to him. May God give you the strength, wisdom and patience to cope. Good luck

Men and matters of the heart

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Readers, There is no stretching the fact that every age has its norms and fad it has evolved to etch itself into the history of life. It is also true that certain rituals of a bygone age hold so much lure and nostalgia that are worth keeping. More than any other human tradition, the game of winning the heart of a woman remains the oldest. Right from the nascent days of the creation of the world, when God paired the first human couple, men and women have continued to dance to the assonance of love. No matter how hard a man or woman is perceived to be, there is always a place for love to exist in the heart and life of that person. This is because the process of meeting and falling in love is the peg on which the world stands. Everyday, people fall in and out of love. Some never last beyond the first early days because they suffer wrong values as well as the endurance needed to firm up the foundation. Those that last, do as a result of tremendous sacrifices by the couples. Today being Valentine’s Day, we will quickly go into clinic to discuss the essence of giving a relationship the right perspective. Sometime ago, while clearing out the house of all the odds and bits I have amassed all through the years, some from my teenage and early adulthood, I came across valuable letters sent me by various admirers. Each letter reminded me of the person who sent it because the wordings brought the character of each man to play. While some struggled to write the letters, some displayed dexterity in combining all the right words that would make a woman melt. Going through all the letters, gave me a good laugh so much so I decided to share them with my daughters and my young female friends both married and unmarried. One of my daughters, an English literature student after going through some of the poetic phrases in the letters, decided to take them away as part of her working materials. Granted few were prosaic, the majority of the letters produced deep sentiments and nostalgia of the fun it was in those days to be a girl. Nothing told or gave insight into the character of a man like phraseology of his letters to a woman. From his language, a woman with depth could tell when a man has other things on his mind and when he was serious about her. Because pre-marital sex wasn’t so common then, men took time out to amuse and entertain the women after their hearts with words that meant the world to them back then. Men of those days were not weak, afraid of saying what they felt to that special woman. Dating was a much more serious business than we have now. Seldom does a man in those days on first outing pronounce love to a woman, it was a kind of sacrilege. Men took time out to study the nature of the woman they want to approach before coming clean with their feelings. Any wonder that divorce rates were low and moral values high in those days? How many boys or men bother with what modern men label “time wasting” procedure anymore? These days the physiology of the average man is wired towards quick and preprogrammed results without him having to task his brains or exert his imagination. The result is a monotonous and very predictable mode of wooing women these days. In places of romantic letters or cards, text message have become the order of the day. What more, the text messages lack every imagination of romance, intellect and articulation needed to stimulate a woman’s romantic vigor. The result is a generation of men and women who lack knowledge of what pure romance is. The coldness of the internet, emails, text messages and other modern day electronic devices have turned the heart of romance so cold and impersonal that most young ladies often wonder if true romance as evidenced in romance books really exist. The hollow left in the hearts of women by the inability of the present generation of men to apply themselves fully into the business of chasing women contribute to the mess and confusing signals that now characterize the game of romance. This inability of men to properly articulate their feelings or convey same to women has become such a big challenge to the whole system of dating. As a result, many young girls and ladies have escaped with the notion that men are only interested in sex more than who they are or what they feel. The clinical way present day men conduct their romance has made today’s women more materialist and so aloof too when it comes to what they want from men. The motto for most young ladies now is, survival. The more prosperous a man is, the higher his chances are of getting any woman he wants. In place of love, lust has taken over. These days, when a man declares love, the woman reads it to mean lust because love and lust in the diction of most men have become synonymous so much so the women don’t know which is which. Although men are quick to blame the confusion and monumental disappointment relationships have become on the materialist thirst of women, the truth remains that men are daily presenting women with nothing to build on at all. While the success of a relationship depends on the selflessness of the woman, she has to be provided with the right foundation, sustain her romantic dream. This is because every woman is vain, wants to be appreciated and complimented for who she is. The average woman builds her memory on the early days of her relationship; when the man treated her like his queen as well as the only thing that is important to him. Once the man is able to get those early days right, he makes it easy for the woman to trust in and build her confidence around him. These are the memories she keeps and drags out of the cupboard when the dreams begin to fade. This is why the marriages of yester years survived the rough edges. The women then had something substantial to hold on to; their love letters; which from time to time reminded them of all the dreams and visions they started out with. The wordings of the letters constantly served as reminders of her place in the heart of her man even if the stress and challenges of living together, raising a family and earning a living prevent him from saying it. To make romance and relationship better, today’s men must move away from paying lip service to the dating game. They must as a matter of fact borrow some valuable tips from the men of yester years. the vanity and romantic heart of the average woman is such that she stores up in the inner chambers of her mind any gesture of affection shown her by her heart. Daily, the woman is looking for that something extra special from her man, that thing that communicates his need for her and appreciation of her presence in his life. No matter how tough minded a woman appears to be, she never gets tired of receiving compliments from her husband. To make this Valentine’s Day more meaningful, men should not focus on just the sexual aspect of a relationship rather, they should use today to compliment that special woman in their lives. It is essential they take time out to send a love letter to their wives and girlfriends. The method of writing love letter may appear ancient but the words that come from the heart of the man can heal any wound inflicted by carelessness that comes from daily living. No matter how old in marriage a couple is, love remains ageless and must be given the same consideration and attention as that of a young couple. So celebrate Valentine‘s Day with words that come from the heart. Good luck

I don’t think I love her enough to marry her

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I would be lying if I say I am deeply in love with the lady in my life but I like her person. If we end up as man and wife, she will make a good wife. She actually wooed me and has been very supportive ever since she came into my life. I am seven months older than she is but she economically stronger than I am. At 38, she has her own house and two cars. She is also fun to be with, never criticizing me and very respectful despite her success in life We have been dating for close to a year now. Sincerely, I haven’t found any reason not to marry her as my parents are all urging me to propose to her. I know she wants us to get married but given her age and wealth, I am very worried. Her age worries me because my former girlfriend went into menopause at 35. She didn’t even know and we actually thought she was pregnant until several medical tests finally pronounced that she has reached menopause. It was very devastating for both of us because I really loved her. Unfortunately, my mother got wind of the information so I couldn’t conceal it from anybody. I had to leave her. It was about that time I met my current woman. This is why I am scared of her age. I don’t want a situation where she would be unable to provide me with children or begin to boss me when we get married. At 38, how much of her reproductive years remain? I ask because since we have been dating she hasn’t taken in once; isn’t this a sign that she may not be biologically healthy? This is because you can never know with women. She could be pretending to be good for the simple reason of getting me to marry her. I am really becoming confused by the day. What do I do? Debo. Dear Debo, Every relationship has its dynamism. Just as we are different, so are our attitudes to the people we meet along life’s journey different. There can never be two people who are alike. However, we end up having the same kinds of experiences and disappointments as a result of our refusal to learn or take notice of our limitations as a person. Often than not, we are drawn to the same kinds of situations over and over again. This is where our challenges in life get their strength from. Another area we get it wrong in life is our inability to exorcise past experiences from our new relationships. The fact that one woman went into early menopause doesn’t mean your current woman too would have the same experience. At 38, she isn’t so young. at her age, she is liable for her actions. There is no way she can explain an unwanted pregnancy to the world in her present stage in life. She has to be sure you want the same things that she wants. The fact that she is economically stronger could be one reason she is cautious in her dealings with you. She may not want you to marry her as a result of the baby but because you want to. Besides she could be on contraceptives. Rather than come to the hasty conclusions that she may not be able to conceive, why not sit her down to discuss with her? Demand for questions about her past life as well as the number of times she has taken in as well as the last time she took in. To make her understand your anxiety better, explain the experience you had with your ex to her. don’t pretend that you aren’t looking for children in this relationship with her or that it won’t matter to you if she doesn’t take in while you two are still dating. Let her know exactly where she stands with you on the issue of having children. Also explain your worry about her age; this way, you make obvious what your expectations as well as priority are to her in this relationship. The case of your ex is very rare. Normally, a woman begins the decline step into menopause from 48 upwards. Some women last till their early 50s. but because a lot of strange things are happening in our modern world, it would be difficult to say but if you are that scared, why not accompany her to see a doctor to put your mind at rest? There are some tests that will pronounce the viability or otherwise of her womb. In addition, you must learn to let go to get the best out of life. Even though you haven’t said much, trying to compare her with your ex will only lead to more confusions as well as complications. She isn’t the same person as your ex so their reactions and attitude will never be same. To be frank with you, every woman, no matter how nice, has the tendency to misbehave especially at that time of the month when the hormones take charge of her emotions fleecing her of her ability to reason rationally. Even when you are the one picking all the bills, the inherent nature of women will still make her behave in a way to make you, question your abilities as the man. So you have the take the whole picture of who she is to appreciate when she steps out of line. Yes, once in a while she could say or behave in such a way to make you feel inferior but you must appreciate all those times she behaved rationally. Therefore, the question of whether or not she would display poisonous fangs after marriage is a tricky question for me to answer. You are the one who is in a relationship with her hence should be in the best position to answer such question. But it isn’t rocket science; as a matter of fact, it is very simple if you apply yourself to the observation of her character, temperament, understanding of issues as well as her general disposition to you and life. Often than not, a woman who is pretentious cannot do it for long. Like smoke, something will provoke her to act her true nature. You can deliberately do certain things to see her she would respond to you under pressure or security of your final commitment. If the truth be told, you are raking up all these excuses because she wooed you. From the little I have seen of life, women who woo men for love and relationship are about the most sincere. They know even before the commencement of the relationship what they want from a man hence work towards achieving that. if she was confused her destination and desires in life, she won’t come after you; she would rather go for a man who has the income and position to further help her economics in life. Besides she doesn’t have to marry to have children; a rich woman like a rich man can get any man to do her bidding if the price is right. The fact that she humbled herself to woo you should give you certain assurances that she is a very practical person. Rather than look at all the areas of her weaknesses, consider her strength and goodness to you. Nothing in life is easy; one has to work towards perfection at all times. We all come with defects from the manufacturer’s table. Honestly, if there is anybody who should be afraid in this relationship, she should be and not you because she is the one who has more to lose than you. She is the major investor, taking all the risks because as a man, you could meet and fall in love with another woman in later years leaving her high and dry. If she isn’t afraid, why are you? Unless deep down, you are positive nothing good can come out of it. Perhaps you need time off to properly evaluate your emotions first. Whatever, learn to be sincere with yourself at this critical stage. It is important. Good luck.

I was raped by my father, uncle, teacher and school mates

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been raped at various times by my father, uncle and our driver. My primary six teacher, also had his fill of me. While in secondary school, two boys ganged raped me in the classroom. Although all of them including my father, always came back to plead for my forgiveness after raping me, but such pleas don’t erase what they did to me. They all did it once. Till date, I avoid my father like a plague. He too is always very uncomfortable around me just like my uncle who nobody has seen since he came to plead with me. He stays in Jos and has refused to come home. Now I am in my 300 level and the only way I enjoy sex is for a man to be very rough with me. This worked for me until recently when I fell in love with my boyfriend. Honestly, love is happening to me for the first time since I became an adult. All my life, it has been animalistic urge; have sex and walk away from it all before it becomes too complex. I have never had any serious relationship in my entire life because I see men as wicked, opportunists and animals. Given what I feel for my boyfriend, I know I am very much in love with him but at times when I remember all the abuses I went through I wonder if this relationship is worth it. At times too, when I recount the many times I was raped by my father and all the other men, I wonder why me. Is there something about me that made all these men rape me? Once I went to a church where the pastor called me out of the congregation and told me to see him after service. When I saw him after service, as if looking into the mirror he told me everything about my life. since I haven’t told anybody the story of my life, I knew he was real. He told me it was done by my grandmother to destroy my life because she never approved of my father marrying my mother. He said she put an evil mark on me to instigate men to violating me at will. He conducted three days deliverance sessions for me. It was after that I met my boyfriend. Despite the signals I give him, he has resisted making love to me. He expresses the desire to marry me and has taken the steps of introducing me to his parents. He graduated three years ago and works with the energy sector. Although he has an idea of all that happened to me, I haven’t given him the entire details of the many men who raped me. Also, it is proper to tell him about my father since he has met him with him when he came with parents and extended family members for a mini introduction. Deep down, I have this urge to come clean with the story of my past. Another thing is how to respond to his love making when we eventually make love. Would it be proper to ask him to be violent with me as is my custom? Sometimes too, all the old hatred I have for men resurfaces. At such times, I keep away from him but it would be difficult to do once we are married. I am just confused about it all and what to do? Violated Lady. Dear Violated Lady, Given all your experiences in the hands of the various men that raped you, including your father and uncle, you have every reason to hate men and stay away from them completely. Unfortunately, life isn’t always about what we want but what is practicable. The natural order of things is for a man and woman to end up in matrimony. This is why you must find a way of divorcing the painful memories of your various abuses from your mind. if you don’t make up your mind to be happy, no matter the love and care your man showers on you, the understanding he offers; you will never be happy. Although the spiritual manipulations explains a lot of things about your experiences but only your efforts can really make the difference at this point in your life. You have come to that valuable point in your life when God has stepped in to make you happy. The ball is now in your court; to prove to yourself as well as all those who tried to manipulate your destiny that you have what it takes to be happy, succeed against all the odds they put along the path of your life. Most times talking about such experiences, helps to lessen the burden by more than half. Keeping all such experiences bottled up all these years isn’t healthy for your emotional growth which is why the bile comes up strongly when you remember everything you went through. This kind of experience needs time to be truly forgotten. So you have to learn to give yourself time to get over it. One of the ways to go about it is to talk to this man who has shown remarkable understanding to you. While you reserve the prerogative of telling him about what your father did to you, let him know about all the other men that have abused you and how you came to the conclusions about your sexual preferences as well as the kind of hatred you at times have for men. He needs this information to help him know what he is dealing with as well as map out how to help change your attitude towards sex as well as him in particular. When a woman has been repeatedly abused by different men, she needs a different kind of understanding from her man to help live a normal life. Another thing you must do is to admit aloud to yourself the kinds of negative conclusions you came to about yourself when all those abuses were going on. Like you said in your letter, while all those abuses were going on, you wondered why you. Even though the pastor’s explanation gave you an insight to the source of the problem, it won’t totally help you forget all those ugly incidents. You need to confront your father and uncle with what they did to you. Ask them why they raped you when their business was to support and protect you. Often than not, the answers to most of our pains and challenges are usually found in the scenes of the incidents. Drawing your father out to talk about it will help all of you forge forward. You have to know what he felt then and feels now. Going by what the pastor said, your father may not even understand what prompted him or how it all happened. The fact that he feels uncomfortable around you shows he too is suffering emotionally. There is nothing like self condemnation; if you don’t take the steps of talking about that one time he raped you, both of you will always be miserable. He has to understand what went wrong that day he did the abominable act of sleeping with his own daughter. The talk will definitely go a long way in kick starting your complete healing process. One that you can do from all these is to find ways of using your experiences to help others. The more you talk, the better you become and happier you will be at the end of it all. This way, you will be able to learn to love yourself again. Talking about it will help you meet the woman inside of you; the one whose growth was stunted by the bitterness of your experiences. Talking will help the woman to come out of her shell, find her confidence in life and her womanhood. You have to help yourself discover the strength, beauty, resilience and character of the woman in you. A woman isn’t all about rapes; she is created by God to be a companion, valuable partner to her man. By the time you finish sharing your story with your man, you will discover that life has much more to offer you than what you know. It is this discovery that will help you tolerate and enjoy the company of your man the way God wants it between a man and woman. You are not an animal; you are a woman created to be loved, cared for and protected by a man. Above all, ask God for help to be a complete woman. Good luck.

I want her to accept another man’s proposal

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Thanks for your immeasurable advice and solutions to people with relationship problems, I pray God will also help you in solving your own problems. I have a problem that needs your attention. I have a girlfriend, we have been together for four years now and thanks to God, have been able to abstain from sex all these years. I just graduated while she is in her final year, even though she is a year older than my 23 years of age, we love each other very much that people around us think I am very much older than she is because she accords me my due respect as a man. But the problem now is, she does not want to accept the many suitors coming her way, because of me. I love her and would want to marry her but the reality on ground may not favour this. What if after national service I am unable to procure a job to provide the right financial platform for me to execute my plans to marry her? Would she be able to wait for me to be ready? The issue is, do I advice her to marry one of her suitors? I will appreciate your advice. Thanks and wishing you compliment of the season. Worried Lover. Dear Worried Lover, If you both have been together for four years, this is an issue you can both discuss as frankly as possible. You have to make her understand your fears for her future; putting special emphasis on her age and the biological lifespan of a woman’s life. While at it, be honest enough to also tell her what your own fears are as well as the details of what your real plans for the future are. For instance, let her have the idea of when you really desire to marry as a man. This is because as a man you have things you must put in place before thinking of settling down. And unless you come from a very rich family and pressure is on you to marry urgently. At 23, you are still very far from being ready to marry as a man. Whereas, at 24, she is almost ready for marriage. One thing is to be in love another thing is to be realistic about certain things in life. once she graduates and serves, pressure would be on her to marry. It is when she gets to that junction, that she or you would know if she has what it takes to wait for you or go with another man who is ready. This is because, the journey of marriage goes beyond what both of you perceive it to be. It is a long journey of ups and downs, of choices, sometimes very critical and tough ones; it is also about doing the right thing at the right time. Even though marriages begin with the seed of sentiments, it becomes a journey of reality as the days go by. At 24, how long can she afford to wait for you? What kind of sacrifice is she ready to make for the relationship? This is one choice she has to make on her own without any help from you because it is more about her happiness than yours. By laying the cards face-up before her, you give her the rare chance of choosing the path she is most comfortable with. Beyond this, you must also ask yourself this question; how do you really feel about the age difference between the two of you? It may never have bothered you as boyfriend but now that you are at the juncture of making the relationship permanent, how do you really feel about marrying a woman older than you? You may not have on the surface considered it important but deep in your heart, it maybe. This is because no man, no matter how bleak the future appears to be would willingly encourage the woman he claims to be in love with to consider the proposal of another man. In all these, both of you have to be truthful about your desires as well as your plans for the future. If at the end of the day, she feels she cannot wait for your plans to mature, lacks the necessary patience to appreciate the situation you both found yourselves in, let her go. But if after having this talk with her, she agrees to wait for you to be ready, allow her be. Once she makes up her mind to wait for you, don’t try to persuade her against it in order not to hurt her and insult the love she has for you. There is no risk a woman in love cannot take, as long as the man in her life is very honest with her. Discussing it is to ensure both of you don’t feel the pains of regrets later in life. Good luck.

I regret shunning his wedding idea

Dear Agatha, I suspect my boyfriend is in another relationship. We have been dating for five years and planning to get married next year. We are live-in lovers and have a child already. What we are waiting for is just the formal ceremony. I have always wanted a big wedding while he says he cannot afford it. He said he would prefer to pay the bride price first before saving for the big wedding. I refused then because I wanted it all. But since the arrival of my baby last year, I have been pressuring him to go and pay my bride price but he seems not to be in a hurry anymore. Severally, I have questioned the changes in him; asked why he is no longer engrossed in our relationship; although he keeps assuring me otherwise but I am sure I know all the signs I am seeing. I noticed certain things about the way he relates with me have changed. For instance, he forgot my birthday for the first time in five years and when I reminded him, he simply said he was too busy. And took him another two days to even get me a gift. I also noticed that these days, he appears to be more interested in the baby, his appearance and the state of the house than my feelings. He is always on the phone and when I succeed in distracting him, he practically rushes through the conversation. To make matters worse, he has taken this new attitude to the bedroom. He rushes the process of initmacy to the extent that the magic of the moment is lost. He began by telling me he wanted to recover from the stress of childbirth. It has been six months since the birth of the baby but things have continued to depreciate in our relationship. His mother keeps assuring me that nobody can take my place in her son’s life but deep inside me I am scared that there is another woman somewhere. I confirmed as much from the way he hoards his phone these days. He doesn’t allow me come near his phone even taking it to the toilet with him. My friends are urging me to trail him to the unknown woman’s place to warn her to stay away from my man. I really don’t know what to make of this. Agatha, what can I do to make him come back to me? I know I can be stubborn at times, always wanting things done my way but we have been through a lot together. Besides, I love him very much and ready to forgive him of anything as long as he is by my side. Please help me. My son and I miss him very much. I don’t want to fight anyone. I just want him back. Dorcas. Dear Dorcas, Thank God for your wisdom. I am glad that you know nothing positive would be achieved by fighting him over mere suspicions. Even if your suspicions eventually turn out to be right, still refuse to bow to the counsel of your friends. You really don’t have any business with the other woman if the truth must be told. Your business is with your man. Iron out whatever the issues are with him instead of fighting a fight you may never win especially if the issues that drove him into this woman’s arms persist in your home. Although not every man needs an excuse to go into another relationship, but in most cases, the problems can be traced to the main woman. In your case, stubborness as well as lack of understanding of the nature of your man. Only very few relationships can survive this imbalanace. Most men aren’t equipped to deal or put up with very stubborn women. In their opinion such women are great turn offs because they are difficult to manage. Insisting you wanted a big wedding when he told you he didn’t have the money to finance it was wrong. Another woman would have asked him how much he had and agreed to manage it as long as it meant being with her man. Men are not so emotional about marriage as women are. Therefore when a man makes a demand for marriage, insist on it; but not getting the kind of support from the woman, his interest will soon begins to fade. Your man may have gotten fed up waiting for you to accept him the way he is. And now that you appear to want it as desperately as he once wanted it and on the terms he gave you then, he appears to have moved on. There is no challenge love and determination cannot overcome in a relationship. The first thing is for you to retrace your steps. Be truthful enough to admit your mistakes. Once you do this, it simplifies the entire process of reconciliation with your man. One thing is for sure, if he has really made up his mind about you, he would have done one of two things: pack out of the house or ask you to leave. Beyond the child between the two of you, he has nothing else to consider because you are both just live-in lovers. There is no document or action under any law protecting your stay with him. Therefore, if he actually wanted you out of his life, it would have been very easy for him to show you the way out. For this reason, be careful you don’t set off a chain of reactions in your relationship that you will later regret. And for all you know, he may just be acting this to break you down, make you accept your place in the relationship as well as jealous enough to make you think of the damage you are doing to the relationship. There is no relationship that can survive with two masters. You must learn from this early stage how to befriend your man, make him do things for you without you makng a fool of him or obvious to him. Humility is still one of the tools a wise woman uses in managing her relationship. Even if you wanted an elaborate wedding, you would still have listened, considered his options and made allowances for his reasons. If you are so obstinate on the kind of wedding you want, what assurance does he have that you will listen to him in other matters? This is one angle you should work on in your attitude. No man wants to end up with a woman he would argue with for the rest of his life. The fact that you made a dramatic u-turn from what your position was without any reason, is enough signal that you are only bothered about what makes you happy. At the time he wanted you at all cost, you didn’t want him enough to give up your dream of a big wedding. Now that you have a child, afraid that you would lose everything if he fails to marry you now that you are a mother, you are willing to do things his way. Life doesn’t work like that. If actually he is in a relationship and has found the woman who is selfless, willing to make him her man, invest in his happiness without weighing things in her favour first, it might be a little difficult for you without first making dramatic changes in your person. Five years must have given you some vital knowledge of him. You should know by now how to get him to listen, know the things he likes best as well as what he expects of you. One thing my experience in life has taught me, is absolute patience. Patience and selflessness go hand in hand. You now have to stoop to conquer what you unwittingly gave up. No matter how forbidden his looks are, beg him. Tell him you are sorry for being such a selfish person. Tell him about your resolve; this will tell him the thoughts and time you have put into making him happy again. It is also important he knows that you are really sorry because you love him and not that you want to marry him at all costs. It is essential that your change of mind is from a heart of love and not one of desperation. There is something you are doing right that has kept you in his life for five years. Go back to the drawing board, find it and amplify it. Once you get it right with him and your relationship, the other woman would become a thing of the past. In addition, learn to pray. Good luck.

Her passion is to get married

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m an ardent reader of your column and I must say you have touched and saved lots of relationships through your work. I pray God bless you real good. I have a girl I have been dating since high school. I’m 25 years of age while she is 22. Right from the beginning she has always nurtured this passion for wedding ceremonies. She practically attends all weddings ceremonies in her church because it makes her happy. After high school, I left the country to study abroad. In fairness to her, she remained good and there for me. Our communication remained efficient. I came back to the country for the first time since I left in December 2009. Back in school she told me she was a virgin. Deep in me, I didn’t believe and anytime I tried making love to her, she would allow me touch her but sex, she won’t allow. I couldn’t force her but, when I returned to the country after two years of being away she allowed me. I was shocked to discover she was still a virgin. I’m in my final year now and hoping to further my studies. I know she misses me so much and I do too. I miss my family so much too. By God’s grace, I should be through by next year and return home. The problem now is, in the last few months, whenever we are talking on the phone, she would bring up the issue of marriage. At first, I told her I wish to have her as my wife but right now, there are things I need to achieve before settling down. I told her everything without holding back anything from her. I won’t be ready until about four or five years from now. She told me she wants to get married before she turns 25. I know it’s the dream of every woman to get married and start her own family but she is making it appear as if husbands are on sales in the shop and that a woman simply walks in there to buy one when she desires to marry. She doesn’t seem to appreciate that people need to date and plan for marriage and the days after. There was a certain time she got upset over something I knew nothing about. I tried but she wouldn’t tell me the cause of her anger. I thought she was fed up of the relationship so I sent her an sms telling her that since she can’t tell me what her problems were and has decided to keep to herself, I was freeing her of all obligations to the relationship so that can try someone else. I told her it would give her the opportunity of understanding herself better. She called immediately she got the message to declare her acceptance of my proposal. After a month without calling each other, she called and we continued from where we stopped. After sometime, she told me her friend informed her, that I told my friend I have a girlfriend somewhere I intend to marry. To be honest, I never discussed such a thing with any friend of mine. I immediately knew she believed the story because friend mentioned is more like a brother to me who knows so much about me. Agatha, she has started again with her marriage talk. I expressed my discomfort with it. Recently she told me she would accept another man into her life if he is right for her. I was hurt by her by this and asked her how she would feel if I am the one saying such a thing to her. She didn’t answer but apologized. In my opinion, it seems she is just keeping the relationship until she finds her so called “right person”. We have been talking, but I don’t want to be an obstacle to her since she sounds very desperate and I don’t want any pressure from her about getting married when I’m not ready for it. I have been thinking and have decided to tell her to move on. I thought I could make up for her patience and support for the five years I was away but she is bent on me getting married at all cost. Her deadline isn’t just right for me. I have talked to her and I do honestly love her very much just as I know she loves me. But her passion for marriage is threatening to tear the wonderful relationship we built for the past seven years. I really do need your help on how to handle this situation because it is tearing me apart. Concerned Friend. Dear concerned Friend, There is no knot true love cannot untangle in a relationship. As long as both of you are ready to shift grounds, arrive at a workable compromise, there will always be a way out for both of you. You are having all these tensions because none of you is willing to move an inch. Both of you are rigid in ensuring only your way is the right one. Relationship doesn’t work out like that. If you are fair to her, she has been the one making all the sacrifices for the survival of this relationship. You must also make the effort to see things from her angle. She has never hidden her passion for weddings from you. If you knew you weren’t ready for immediate marriage, you should not have bothered sleeping with her. Doing so meant you were ready to marry as soon as possible. For her kind of person, it meant you were ready for the final step which was why she held back when she felt you were not in a position to marry her at the time you first demanded for it. From your own account, she waited for you while you were out of the country. Not many women would keeep their virginity for a man they are not sure would come back to marry them. That she kept herself for you, even when you doubted her claim shows a woman properly brought up well and who has very deep feelings and respect for you. That you meet her intact underscores her values as a woman. I am sure, while there, you had one or two flings. A lot must have gone into keeping her promises to you. Granted, her current attitude can be very frustrating and annoying, both of you need to go beyond you telling each other what you want to what would work. She needs marriage urgently while you want it in five years time. Your challenge is simple as long as you both have the maturity to overcome the stalemate you have both imported into your lives. And the earlier you faced this personality defects in your natures the better for the relationship. From what is happening, you both have the same attitude to life-having things done your way. Despite being together for seven years, your relationship is still wrapped in egoism. No relationship survives if a couple is unable to make the essential sacrifice for the sake of the other person. If there is a will, there is nothing stopping you from changing your plans a little to accommodate her plans. Both of you can marry but not have children immediately to enable the other plans you have to take proper roots. No plan is unalterable. Frankly, this is a true test of your compartibility as a couple; your individual ability to go the extra mile for the other person to be happy. One thing is to be in love another challenge is to have the maturity and right attitude to make it work. Situations like this will always come up from time to time in your relationship even after you get married. Unless you find the right key to unlock gridlocks like this early in the life of a relationship, it often gets to a point when it becomes almost impossible for this kind of differences to be resolved. This is because selfish tendencies not addressed early in the life of a relationship soon becomes like a dreadful cancer eating at the life giving values of the union. Even if both of you part, if you don’t individually work on these aspects of your natures, finding a person to live or accommodate either of you may not be easy. Relationship is about living your life in the body of another person. Unless both of you make the other person’s passion your own; nothing would work. Try putting yourself in her shoes; in five years time how old would she be? What if you decide not to marry her or suddenly realises that you still have certain things to accomplish before marriage and want more time, what would have been her gains? Like women before her, is scared of the unknown; isn’t another woman wouldn’t get pregnant for you and you would have no choice but to marry her. If she is anxious, she needs your assurances and one of the ways is to shift grounds a little bit for her. Another mistake you are making is refusing to hear what her real fears are. Yes, you have been honest enough to tell her about your plans but what about encouraging her to share her real fears with you? The missing link is trust. Insisting you have things done your way cannot earn her trust. Once you are able to earn her trust, a lot of the tension you feel now from her pressures will disappear. Good luck.

He is a nuisance to the family

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the wonderful works you are doing. God will reward you immensely. My problem has to do with my girlfriend’s elder brother who has been a thorn in the flesh of their family. He intimidates, maltreats and beats up anyone who challenges his excesses. He even insults the parents at the slightest provocation. He has no regard for anybody no matter who the person is. Though not the eldest, but he holds the family to hostage because the eldest brother is very quiet. My girl is worried. Their parents are already suffering silently. Honestly, it is driving me nuts but my hands are tied since I am not yet married to the girl. Please I need mature advice on how to handle this issue before I cross the line. Mr. John Dear Mr. John, Your business in that family is with your girlfriend and not with the brother or how a brother of hers conducts himself. That is purely their family issue which in many ways doesn’t concern you. The boy has been like that before you came into the girl’s life. The family nurtured him into the monster that he has become. There is no way you can divorce his parents from all the kinds of behavior he is putting up or the family from the monster that he has become. Often than not, the refusal of parents to address and deal with certain kinds of behavior in a child breed this kind of attitude. Usually it begins from over indulgence to outright show of favoritism of a particular child. This explains why the entire family structure is lame in dealing with what you term his excesses. His behavior didn’t start today; the indulgence to let him be or that he will outgrow it started from his nascent years. The family since he was a child has condoned his nature, kept encouraging him to be rude and rebel against those who dare to correct him. At times too, the indifference of a family to a particular child could instigate this kind of behavior. Either way the fault begins with the wrong training and attitudes the child is exposed to early in life. Sincerely, you will be taking on the same system that scripted him to who he is now if you fight him. Initially, your girlfriend and her family may salute your courage to confront the dilemma but at the end of the day, some members of the family will ask among themselves what your business in the whole matter really is. To avoid unnecessary confrontation with members of your girlfriend’s family, all you can do is to try to reason with him; that is if you have the kind of temperament to handle his kind of person. For you to do a successful job of addressing the issue you must be someone who has a mild temper because violence cannot be used in addressing violence. What he needs is a firm person to put him right. With the way you have spoken on the matter, you obviously don’t have the kind of patience to find out from him what the real problems are. If you must get involved, ask your girlfriend the genesis of her brother’s problems. Without you having a clear cut idea of how everything happened, you cannot just jump into it half way. The information you garner from your girlfriend will put you in the right picture of things. Knowledge is important in crisis resolution everywhere in the world. You cannot confront the boy alone without also finding out the contributions of his parents and siblings to the situation at hand. If you want a holistic approach to it, sit down with the parents to find out how you can be of help to them concerning the resolution of the crisis in their home. They must be convinced that your concern is real and aimed at helping them come to terms with the challenge of their lives. In addition your girlfriend’s brother also has to be persuaded that you are not condemning of him but a friend who understand the workings of his mind. Even if you don’t, your approach should give him certain assurances that he can trust you to a certain extent; enough to make him want to take you into his confidence. Just be the friend he needs at all times. It is the best way to handle people like him. To fight him would weaken your position and your intentions to be of assistance to your girlfriend and family. In addition, entrust him into the hands of God; it is important. There is nothing a good intentioned prayer cannot achieve. Good luck.

I need a man to share my life with

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Words alone cannot describe God’s awesomeness in your life. You are a blessing to this generation. I know you have the ability and capability to do this for me. Please Agatha, connect me with an individual, home or abroad for a union. I am 39 years, with two girls both are in the university with the first one in final year. I work in one the financial institutions as a contract staff and comfortable with my earnings. I have never been married in my life. I had those girls for the same man after the loss of my parents when I was much younger and without direction, due to his maltreatment and no one to caution him, I ran away leaving the kids for him. Since the girls are in the university both of us have been caring for them from our different locations. He is based in Zaria and works with a bank. I live in Lagos. If the children are on vacation, they come to spend their holidays with me. Presently, I am alone because they have gone back to school. It’s really pretty lonely staying alone. All I have are small boys wanting a relationship with me; something I oppose to. I want matured man for marriage. I know you can do this for Agatha, please. The man can be a divorcee or a widow with children who might not want children again. Please help me scrutinize any man who responds to my request. Lonely Woman. Dear Lonely Woman, Like we discussed on the phone, I don’t match-make. I am a firm believer in people meeting and making their own choices. But knowing and having experienced loneliness before, I know what you feel and how the days can appear very long if it lacks the presence of a soul-mate. It is a good thing you have eliminated the kinds of men you will never date. It helps to keep you focused and maintain your respect as a woman. This is important but beyond the issue of finding the right man to share your life with is how you can be happy with yourself. The right man will only make you complete but cannot give you absolute happiness if you don’t learn how to interpret your happiness. Knowing what constitutes pleasure to you will help you to recognize the qualities to look out for in any man that comes your way. The challenge here goes beyond the marital status of the man you are looking for. He must have that something extra special to keep you happy just as you must have the knowledge of what he wants to stay happy with you. A woman or man begins the plan of a happy home before meeting the right person. At 39, you are no longer a green spring; by now you should have long buried idealism for realism. You cannot afford to make mistakes at this delicate stage in your life; you must be very clear about what your responsibilities and duties are to the man you want to share your life with just as you must be certain of the least you can go in any kind of relationship. This is where you need to focus your interest; the inner treasure of a man rather than what he looks like or what he doesn’t have. Therefore in addition to him being single either through divorce or death of his spouse, what other qualities do you want in the man you want to share your life? Make up your mind before he comes so that the goal post will be properly positioned from the beginning. Don’t because you want to get married, pretend about certain things; be truthful to yourself at your inabilities and abilities. It will help you and the man you want talk frankly about your expectations from each other and in the relationship. You need to do this not just for yourself but for your daughters who will be affected also by the choice you make now. And to you male readers, who qualify; please get in touch with her through me. Good luck.

He is unserious at 31

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m writing to you because I hope hearing from you will ease the pain I feel and if possible, proffer a solution. Many thanks in advance. I’m a young girl of 22, just rounding off the NYSC program. I’ve been dating this guy for about three years. It has not been a very smooth one but we managed to patch it somehow. One of the reasons I respect him is because he agreed to wait to consummate the union on our wedding night as I am a firm believer in ‘’keeping the wedding bed undefiled”. He is 31 years old but acts like a 22 year old boy. It makes me sick; he tolerates unnecessary friends and still lives with his parents. He has a lot of female friends who take advantage of his nice nature. There’s so much to say but I’m sure you have an idea. However, he’s a wonderful person and he has been there for me. We lack effective communication. But I think I have fallen out of love with him and I don’t know why. Two pastors have given me prophecy that he is my husband but I can’t just understand it. Although I have told him I’m not ready for marriage he’s ready to wait. I am a young, smart, ambitious and intelligent lady. I am also very matured and comported. I’m not trying to praise myself but it took me a lot of discipline to be this way. My fallout with my boyfriend is drawing me closer to my best friend who is a guy. This guy understands me in ways my boyfriend can’t. We talk and chat for hours without getting bored. Agatha, I’m beginning to fall in love with him and I think he knows, the way we click is amazing because he stays abroad but he manages to come home often so we get to see. The only hindrance to my committing myself to him is, because he wants to get sexual and I forbid it. He has persuaded me; talked me into it. He has even tried to rape me but I still foolishly like him. He even says he will take responsibility if I am afraid of getting pregnant because he thinks that’s my major fear. I feel so comfortable and at ease with him. He makes me happy. I used to be indifferent but I get bothered and moody when I don’t hear from him in three hours. I am in a dilemma and I could go on and on. My boyfriend knows something is wrong but he thinks it’s the NYSC distance. I am just hanging on and don’t want to cut it off because of what people will say especially as he also asked my pastor to speak with me. My bestfriend will be coming to Nigeria again in two weeks time and I’m getting worried. I am so confused. Is there anything as the one man for me? How do I get my best-friend to change his view on sex before marriage because I don’t want to give in to his pressure? How do I move on and cut my best-friend away from my life because I don’t want to go against my principles? Could it be love or infatuation? How do I rekindle the love in this faded relationship if he is the one? I do not ever want to cheat on him. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, There is a lot of wisdom in not wanting to cheat on your boyfriend. From the account you gave of your best-friend, there is the need for you to exercise caution. Between likeness and love, there are several shades of feelings; some we unknowingly mistake for love. If this man is really in love with you, he won’t attempt to rape you. a man in love with a woman, no matter how strong his desires for that woman is, will never attempt to rape her. The fact that he even conceived and attempted it should alert you to his nature as well as the kind of feelings he has for you. Rape is disrespect for a woman’s feelings and rights The fact that he is offering to accept any pregnancy that results from him making love to you isn’t an assurance of how he feels about you. It is what is expected of a man that sleeps with a woman. A responsible man should be ready to accept whatever results from the act. So don’t count it has a virtue in his favor; it is his duty to accept. Herein lies the danger of a relationship with this kind of man who may just be out to sample you as a woman; include your name in the statistics of the many women he has conquered. The truth is that you are finding an excuse to end your relationship with your boyfriend because of the flaws you have noticed in his disposition to life. It isn’t such a bad thing for a man to be too nice but you are counting it as a fault because you want more excitement and fun. This is the point you get to ask yourself very honest questions. What do you want from life? Are all these negative sentiments due to the attention the other man is showering on you or that you are beginning to want more from life and think your boyfriend is boring and lacking in ambition? The wise thing to do at this important point is to sit him down for a discussion. He must know what you think of his person as well as his lack of developmental drive. The fact that he is still stays with his parents is enough reason for you to engage him in this talk. You are right to want more but you must be sure you are not giving up something precious for a mirage which at the end of the day will leave you absolutely devastated. Even if at the end of the day, you still decide to end the relationship, be very transparent about it. Let your motive for leaving him not be in doubt to anybody who hears the story. Whatever his reasons for still being with his parents at his age, must be challenged by you on the premise that it presents him as a man not in control of his life. That alone gives you a good reason to make it clear to him that if he doesn’t do something fast about the situation; having finished school, you maybe forced to end the relationship. The idea of losing you would force him to critique his situation, person and come up with something that will at the end of the day make both of you happy. No two people have the same kind of ambitions or dreams. That you are very smart, ambitious and intelligent doesn’t mean he must be all these. If you are patient enough, you will discover that beneath all the faults you think he has, there could be indelible qualities you need to come to full bloom. Every woman needs a nice and understanding man to utilize her God given gifts. The fact that he has allowed you to pursue your agenda of not compromising your body until your wedding night shows a man that is very caring. Forget what many men say in the presence of their pastors, a lot of them lack the kind of patience you described in this man to wait. The example of your bestfriend who has tried to rape you should tell you one or two positive things about the nature of your boyfriend. Don’t lose sight of this important aspect of him simply because you crave for excitement. The thing with this kind of feeling is that the woman at the end of it all becomes the victim of her own inability to properly situate her feelings. The scintillating light of today; may become your nightmare of tomorrow. Therefore, exercise patience; do this right before thinking of ending it all. There is no relationship that is perfect; even the one you think is exciting and making you consider ending your current relationship may at the end of the day be more disappointing for you. This is why you must give your boyfriend a fair hearing on all the things you think he isn’t doing right. You cannot condemn him for an offence he knows nothing about, can you? There is nothing a well thought out dialogue cannot resolve. The worst is both of you going your different ways but you must give this relationship your best as long as you are still in it. Tell your best friend to give you sometime to sort some personal things out. if he is for you, he will wait but, if he isn’t, there is nothing you can do about it. His presence is distracting you from concentrating on your existing relationship. Good luck.