I’m in a fix, my Philippine lover pregnant

Dear Agatha,  

This issue has been disturbing me and making me weary of the future. I’m a Nigerian living in China, I met a Philippine lady who also resides in China through the Internet and we were always charting till one day she decided to visit me in the city I stay. We were happy to see for the first time and ended up making love.

Two days after, she went back to her city, a month later she informed me she was pregnant by me. I asked if she was sure the pregnancy was mine. She picked offence at my question. Thereafter, she refused to discuss the matter again even though we were always communicating.

Six months after, she told me she would be travelling to her country. With pains and tears, I asked her why, she told me that there was a secret she had been keeping away from me. However, she opened up to me that she was six months pregnant.

Seriously I was shocked and didn’t know what to do. I am not financially capable of discharging my responsibility as a father to a child in a foreign land. Besides, she is also a foreigner. I don’t know what to do.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

What is the confusion about? The issues you are raising now should have been put into consideration by you before having unprotected sex with her. When a man sleeps with a woman without protection or ensuring she is protected, he should expect to be a father anytime whether he is ready or not for the responsibilities that go with fatherhood. 

At the time you slept with her, didn’t you know she was a foreigner? Didn’t that factor in your consideration of her as your girlfriend? You saw in her a woman you liked and valued hence your willingness to have her in your life. If her nationality mattered to you at that point, you would have insisted on some form of protection before being intimate with her. 

What you should do is a simple matter of going to her side of the city to personally and discuss the matter with her. First, you must apologise to her for asking who the father of the unborn child is when she first told you about the pregnancy five months earlier. 

Responsibility isn’t just about having the money to execute your role as the father of the child, but acknowledging as well as accepting your own contributions to the situation. A woman doesn’t get pregnant by herself, but with the help of a man.  

Frankly, you didn’t act like a responsible man. No matter what you thought at that time, you erred by not insisting you both discussed the issue again. When a woman tells a man she is pregnant and refuses to discuss the matter again, the man should ask questions. Because you were running away from accepting responsibilities, you deliberately didn’t encourage her to talk about it. 

Rather than bemoan the fact that you aren’t ready for the challenges of being a father, why not begin to think of how you can make it easier on both of you by discussing your fears, limitations as well as plans for the future with her. From all indices, this woman isn’t expecting anything from you. Having kept the pregnancy for six months without telling you about it despite the fact that you communicate everyday, shows she is more than ready and able to function as the father and mother in the life of the child; an indication she isn’t expecting anything from your end.

If you allow this happen, you not only deny yourself the opportunity of being involved in the life of your child but might lose any right to claim the baby as yours either now or in the future.

Seeing her would enable you both come to a conclusion on the baby’s welfare. The secret about fatherhood is that no man ever has enough to kick-start a family, but when he begins with the little he has, God always steps in to provide the rest. All you have to do is to offer her what you have. What matters to women most time isn’t just the money but the presence of the man who has put them in the family way. 

During pregnancy, the woman is most vulnerable; feels bloated and unattractive even though she may actually be prettier than before. It is a psychological feeling which only the husband or the man who puts her in the condition can dispel. Whatever your situation is financially or otherwise, it behooves you to contribute in anyway to the welfare and progress of the pregnancy as well as the baby when it arrives. 

This is also not the right time to discuss the issue of her nationality with her. Don’t forget that you both found pleasure in each other’s company and that when it comes to love, what matters is the amount of happiness you are both getting from each other’s company. Besides, your current environment would certainly dictate the kinds of women you fall in love with.  Life is about making do with the choice we are presented with. For now, she is the choice of mother to your child. This is a fact you must accept and do everything you have to do to make it work. You not only owe it to the child but to yourself as a man. This is your first fruit, that child that tells the world that you are man in enough to father a child. 

Even if you have doubts about the paternity of the baby the responsible thing is to first accept it and do a DNA after birth if still convinced the child isn’t yours.

Good luck. 

I’m torn between my mum, pregnant love

Dear Agatha,

First, I have to thank you for the ways you have been helping people solve their emotional problems. 

I am a man of 30, the last of my mother’s six children. Being her last I was closest to her and her favourite. Back then I promised my mother I’d do anything to make her happy. Once she made me promise to marry a woman from our village, saying it would be the only thing that would keep her happy. 

I made her the promise. It was at the point I was travelling out of the village. I was 20 then. 

I later travelled out of the country to where I currently reside now. To keep the promise I made to my mother, I have been trying since then not to be in a serious relationship with any woman in this country. This is until I met this lady who is my age mate and the kind of woman I have always prayed to have in my life. One thing led to the other and now she is four months pregnant for me. 

Her family is fighting her for getting involved with a foreigner while I don’t want to betray the promise I made to my mother. On the other hand, I don’t want to betray the love of this lady who has sacrificed a lot for me. 

I am so confused. 

Nwa Chukwu.

Dear Nwa Chukwu, 

At 30, you are in the best of position to know what works for you. Besides, we are all subject to the intrigues and control of the environment we live in. while promises are meant to be kept, there are times God’s ways and desires overshadow what we think is best for us. 

And when it comes to the issue of relationships and marriages, only God has the right answers to the choices before us. More often than not, the person we think is wrong for us turns out to be the best. This is because God’s ways are never ours. Being our creator He has answers our earthly parents don’t have about us. 

I am sure your mother’s desire is to see you happy and live long to enjoy the fruits of your labour. 

The worst thing that can happen to any adult man or woman is to go into marriage with the wrong partner. Apart from torpedoing the dreams of many people, some have been known to die as a result of marrying the wrong person. 

God is forever in the business of re-arranging the things we think we want to suit His own order for us. 

You are one of the lucky men to have a woman who is ready to do anything to make her man happy. Most women these days are on the look out for what they can get from a man and not what they can give him. Your mother made you promise to marry someone from your village because it is what she is familiar with. In making you make that promise, she considered the familiarity of your culture, language and restrictions. Because the choice she made with your father worked, she can be forgiven to think that marrying a girl from your village would give you the same measure of happiness. But you and I know that just as she has a success story to tell, there are people too in your village who though married to locals are either divorced or living in constant regrets of the decision to marry the person they married.

Marriage is often not about where one is from but what one wants from life and the marriage. At this point, what do you both want from being with each other and from life generally? This is what should count now and not the fact that you are caught between the promise you made to your mother and your love for this girl.

At any rate, the issue has moved away from what your mother wants to the fact that she is four months pregnant with your child and your mother’s grandchild. Being her favourite child, she would be happy to see your grandchild, know that you are man enough to get a woman pregnant. 

I am sure she wouldn’t want you to throw away the first confirmation of your manhood. At any rate, a lot would depend on how you are able to package your girlfriend before your mother. Just like your mother is most likely to react, her family is already up in arms against her for the same reasons your mother made you promise to marry someone close to you. 

In both cases, fear is the underlining reason for the opposition. 

Thank goodness you are both old enough to make your decisions. At this point, there is the need for you to brave the storm and go with some of your friends to see her family to explain your mission to them. Let them know that despite coming from different cultures, you know what is expected of you as a man. By letting them know that not only do you plan to marry her, your love for her is genuine and that you plan to inform your people too of your desire to take her for a wife.

Whatever their reservations are, at least let them know you are responsible.

As for your mother, this kind of news is best delivered in person. So if you can afford it, come down to the country to personally inform your mother.  Being your mother, you know how best to break the news to her as well as soften her up sufficiently to listen first and debate it later. 

Do not break the news to her in person only if it is impossible for you to travel out of your host country immediately. Let your mother know that apart from the difference in culture, she has all the qualities she would wish in the woman who becomes your wife. The news about the pending baby should be thrown in when she becomes too stubborn to listen. 

However, ultimately, the choice is yours to make. You are the one who is going live with your eventual choice so be bold enough to take a firm stand on the matter putting into consideration that marriage is a complex venture which requires wisdom and understanding to go into. Nobody feels the discomfort of a shoe like the one putting it on. 

Just as you have obligations to your mother so do you have to this girl and the baby she is carrying. On a scale of 1-10, they come before your mother because they are your family, your eternity. I agree this is hard to accept but it is the naked reality. You can’t marry your mother, the things you can do with this girl, you can’t do with your mother despite being the one who gave birth to you. Your mother is married to the person of her choice and so should you. Irrespective of what civilisation brews, the family unit is still as relevant to the well-being of the child as it was in the dark ages. 

You have an obligation to this woman and child she is carrying. She needs you now more than ever before. This is the time she needs evidence of your love, especially as she is suffering rejection from her family. It isn’t what a man says to a woman before taking her to bed that matters, it is what he says and does after the deed is done that underscores a man’s true feelings for that woman. 

When issues get this complicated, develop the habit of going to God in prayers for His presence and direction in your life. He remains the source of your completeness and happiness as a human being as well as master of your own game in life. For a man who wants to succeed in marriage, never allow this slip through your fingers.

Good luck.