His rash habit got us separated…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com,agatha.edo@gmail.comTel:08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I want to praise you for the guidance and direction you have been given to so many women. I always marvel at how you can offer solutions to marital problems that seemed gone too bad beyond repair. May God continue to bless you with wisdom and courage to speak the truth.
I have a burden that needs an objective view from someone who doesn’t know me.
My marriage has been so rocky from the start. We had a short courtship and had to get married quickly because I got pregnant. I tried to make the best of the union by supporting my husband in every way, showing him love and respect. Unfortunately, I lost out in the gamble of marriage, as I never really knew whom I married. It was less than a month after we married before my husband confessed that he was not a graduate and had no paper qualifications. I was shocked and never really got over the deception. I tried to find other ways he could play his role as a man by starting a business for him. Again, he seemed unable to discipline himself to focus on the business. A lot of money would be diverted into drinking, smoking marijuana, partying, and what have you. I had to become the person providing funds for the running of the home.
I was too ashamed to confide in my family members because they never supported the marriage. I tried to make the best of it by focusing on his good qualities. He helps around the house because he is not working and looks after our baby girl, unlike many Nigerian men. What destroyed our relationship aside from his lifestyle was his penchant for cheating. It’s shocking that some of the women are old and married. I later found out that he dates old women, prostitutes and every other girl in the neighbourhood.
When confronted him with evidences, he denies and practically lies about everything in life. Despite my attempts to ignore his excesses he shows no sign of guilt and the affairs are getting worse. So many times, I have had to confront him over text messages and phone calls from these women who call at very odd hours. One of the old women even has a pet name for him. Whenever I confront him, we end up quarrelling and he would disappear for a day or two. Often he comes back home drunk and very high.
If I keep quiet, he pretends all is well while he continues to lie to my face. He has added beating to my problems with him. My family got to know what was really going on in my home. They intervened and removed me from the house and we are now living apart. I am taking care of my daughter without any help from him.
Well, since I left I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my chest. My self-esteem has grown. Financially, I am more buoyant and can keep money aside from fending for my daughter. Now, I have other men showing interest in me and I realised I settled for less when I married him. I have not been in contact with him and though he sends people to beg me, my mind is made up. He claims that he has repented and he is a new man but I don’t believe men change, except with the help of God. He also sends threatening text messages. The final step is to formally go our separate ways, but I keep on having this little thought in the midnight that I should listen to him and try to mend fences, for the sake of our child, and I should also get his life on track. But then, I can’t go back to his house because of the beatings and his bad lifestyle. I also don’t know if he is ready to change. I’m really confused and don’t know if I should leave the marriage completely?
Worried Woman.


Dear Worried Woman,
In the first place, there is no marriage without problems. Every marriage comes with its cross and lists of don’ts and dos. Like life, marriage is complex and very slippery. It is also very fragile, requiring tenderness to hold it together. If too much pressure is applied it would break into billions of irredeemable pieces; and if less pressure is applied it would demobilise it as well. The solution is usually in the way the individuals in it respond to issues.
It requires a lot of wisdom, tolerance, sacrifices and understanding to blend two strangers into one. This is never done, it takes forever for two people to really become one.
When issues become this complex, the only way out is to face reality with all the honesty it deserves. Doubtless given all you have said about your husband, you have every right to be angry, disillusioned and weary of the marriage. But is he really the only one to be blamed for what your marriage became?
No matter how short the courtship was, if you were well focused and knew what you actually wanted, you would have noticed that he is hooked on marijuana. This is one habit addicts cannot conceal at all. You also would have noticed from the looks other women were giving you; that he has more than passing interest in these women. There is no way a true Casanova can hide his nature even if it is for one day. Also you must have noticed that he wasn’t involved in anything from the time he spent with you or had to toy around with.
Even if a man is unemployed, you can always tell the serious ones from the unserious ones from the struggles they put into their lives.
Your fault is being unable to read and decode the message accurately. You were perhaps too blinded by what you wanted; the sex and fun than what was happening around you. Had you applied your attention to studying a little you would have discovered just enough to know what to expect from marriage to him. Your family saw through him, hence their objection to your marrying him.
It is also obvious that your marriage to him wasn’t planned. You got married to him because you were pregnant and not because you both planned it. One thing is to plan a marriage with someone you really love; another is to marry out of circumstances.
However having said all these and discovered who he really is, do you think you can ever come to love him the way you should love your husband? Do you think you have what it takes to endure the challenges of being married to him? Will you ever have the patience and understanding required to continue to give him selfless support?
Also do you think you can endure sharing him with all the other women in his life? Can you completely forgive all he has done as well as yourself for this mistake your marriage appears to be?
Sincerely, you are at the juncture of telling yourself some basic truths. This time, you don’t have the excuse of not knowing what you are going in to will give; you must make the decision with all clarity of mind knowing you won’t have any reason not to make it work this time around.
Men would always come but that should not be your immediate concern now. You would be unfair to yourself and your child if you don’t first mob up the attendant mess your marriage has thrown up before going into another serious relationship with another man. The worst mistake of your life would be to look back on this moment and wish you didn’t make a hasty decision. Your resolution must be such you would always be happy with no matter what life throws at you as your progress in life.
Until you wrap this up, delay any interest you have in other men. You must also know that life provides no one guarantees whatsoever. The next man could appear responsible now but turn out to be worse than your present man.
To do a good job, continue to concentrate on his good point else the bitterness of your experience would obliterate whatever pleasant memories you have of him or the reason you agreed to date him among all the other men that demanded for your attention.
The presence of that child in your lives makes it impossible for both of you to completely avoid each other. You won’t know if he has changed without giving him a chance to show or say how much change has happened in his life.
Also you won’t know if you still have feelings for him if you don’t see him. It is your life, nobody can force you into doing something you don’t want to, but it is important that you also don’t cage yourself into a box of regrets and unhappiness because you are in a hurry to be free.
You are at liberty to do whatever you like after listening to him. Give him an appointment at an opened place. While there, insist on the conditions you would come back to him. It is important you discuss the matter of his addiction to drugs, his engagement as the man of the house as well as his interests in women. Also make it clear that if he lays his fingers on you again you would be forced to leave him, love or no love.
His response to your conditions would tell you if he is willing to change or not. And in considering him, don’t expect too much from him at once. Of all his vices, you must know the one you desperately want him to change from. Begin with that and gradually work your way to the rest; change comes from one tiny important step.
Involve your family as well as his in whatever decision you make from now. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can handle these kinds of challenges on your own. If you are going back to him, he must agree before the entire family the kind of work or business he is good at and if you are going to fund it, the management of the place must be left with you for the time being to forestall the incident of the past.
Above all, you must be very prayerful. It is never too late to invite God to take charge of your affairs. This is the most important step for you.
Good luck.