Now Back Begging After His Stint With My Sister Flopped

Dear Agatha, 

You are doing a good job. God will bless you for being there for us. About 10 years ago, while at the university there was this boy I dated. I left him for being cruel by nature. Many times he would beat me for no just cause.

His violence was legendary that the landlord of the apartment we shared had to beat him on the day he stripped me right in front of everybody for daring to voice my comment when he brought another woman to the apartment. When I made up my mind to leave him, I discovered I was pregnant. I tried to abort it but it just refused to be aborted. When I went back to the doctor who performed the abortion, he was very surprised to discover the foetus was still there. He advised me not to tamper with the pregnancy if I valued my life. 

Not done with my attempt to terminate the pregnancy, I went to see another doctor who after examining me told me not to risk it as the child was delicately positioned and that any attempt to touch it could lead to my death. 

Left with no choice, I informed him about the verdict of the doctors. Though I wasn’t expecting much from him but I didn’t envisage the kind of violence and profanities he uttered at the news. His mother, when I went to her too, drove me away insisting I should get rid of the baby because she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother now.

It wasn’t easy at first but I was eventually able to cope with my pregnancy and studies. 

My mother although didn’t reject me but she kept her distance. So I was left alone to care for my child. I would back my child to school, and during examinations friends would take turns in caring for her. Fortunately she didn’t cry and was such a lively baby that made things very easy for me to manage.

I was also very lucky to be retained in the bank I served, so my child and I had an easy start in life. 

Because of the way I was treated, I respectfully kept my distance from my family members. I only go home when it is absolutely unavoidable and even at that I leave almost immediately to avoid any form of interactions with anybody. 

I had to go home for my sister’s traditional marriage following my father’s summons. Because of the situation between them and me, my sister didn’t deem it fit to inform me of her wedding herself let alone bring the man in question to my house. 

It was not until that day that I discovered the identity of her husband to be. He turned out to be the father of my daughter. I was so shocked by everything happening, because I recall introducing this same man to my parents when we were in school. Well, when it was being suggested that I was envious of my sister and out to destroy her, I quietly left the scene with my daughter.

I didn’t bother to go for the white wedding or ask them how they were faring because I was hurt, embarrassed by the whole incident. 

I didn’t know anything about them or what challenges they were going through until I got a call from my mother that she would like to come to the house to see me. 

I obliged her since I had gotten over the pains of everything that happened to me. I didn’t know what to make of her visit though. Three years had passed without any of them talking to me. Even when I call my parents, they would refuse to pick my call so I stopped calling them but never stopped playing my role as a daughter by sending them their monthly allowances.

She didn’t come alone. She came in company of my father, my sister and her husband as well as his mother.

They came to beg me to forgive and forget the past because everywhere they had been to seek assistance into their childlessness, they say he offended me; I pray and forgive. That was the easy part of it all. Agatha, what I don’t understand and which is bothering me is the fact that I am expected to live with him as his wife before he can ever father a child. I found the whole thing very funny that I drove them away from my house. 

That was last year. He and his mother have been coming to my house to beg me. My sister has since left him and only recently at a crusade in my church, the pastor who came for the programme called me out to repeat the same thing. He said, just as the father of my child can’t marry anyone so also would it be difficult for me to be happy with any other man. He went on to say, God wanted to use the situation to teach him a lesson. 

Sincerely, I am confused. I don’t love him anymore. Besides, I have remodelled my life in such a way it has only space for my daughter and I. My experiences with him are very bitter ones. What child would he have come back to if I had terminated it and who would the mother have come to if I had died while trying to abort the child? I don’t think I can live with him for one second. A friend of mine advised I reconsider going by the other disappointments I have experienced after his. 

I am so confused. Please help me because I don’t have anyone to go to. 

Worried Woman.

Dear Worried Woman, 

If that is where God wants you to be there is no arguing the reason with the one who made you and knows what He wants for you. Rather than delay God’s plans for you, why not on your own seek Him? There is no situation we are going through that isn’t known to God. He sees the end from the beginning and deliberately allows us go through challenging situations to refine us for greater challenges. 

He isn’t unaware of what happened between the two of you. Don’t forget that you also tried to terminate the life of this child you hold so precious. In a way you also rejected the child like her father and grandmother did. Had God allowed it to happen, you too would have been guilty of the things you are now accusing them of. 

God gave you the grace to look after that child, and so favoured you with a good job to enable you guard His plans for you and the child. Rather than allow old hurt and sentiment destroy the future, allow peace to reign by allowing him access to his child. God’s plans can never be changed no matter how much we desire he does a change of His ‘master’ plan for our lives. That is why He made it impossible for your sister and this man to have a child together, made sure your family, the man and his mother came back to beg you. 

If you think deeply, you will know that God planned everything to happen this way so that both of you would come to appreciate the other more. By now, he must have learnt some valuable lessons from the past. He now knows his mistakes and would not be in a hurry to make them again. 

God actually fought on your side else none of them would come to beg you. Learn to be magnanimous in victory, because that is the only way God can continue to fight your battle. Preventing you from falling in love and marrying another man is to make sure when he comes back you will be able to take him back as he is. A lot of times the things we regard as problems are actually solutions to life’s many mysteries. 

And the only way you can continue to enjoy this special favour from God is to listen to His voice in all these. If you are sincere enough to look back, you will admit to the lessons you too have learnt in all these. I am sure there were things you did then you will never have done. You must also have discovered the strength in you else you wouldn’t have been able, on your own, to look after a child. That you made a success of it should be a lesson you must never forget and so must always appreciate.

God certainly has a reason for separating the two of you at that time and if He says it is time you went back, please do it because He remains the only one who never disappoints. You may not like it but it is what God wants, so dance to his tune if you desire happiness in your life. You may not want to go back but if God says that is where He wants you to be there is no questioning the one who made you.

Please forgive anyone who needs your forgiveness so that you can move on to the next stage. Pray for God’s clear message and leadership in your life.

Good luck. 

Hard To Bank On His Sincerity After All I’ve Done

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 24 years of age and an undergraduate in the fourth year. I am in a relationship with a man of 30 years of age, who incidentally graduated from my school. 

Our relationship is two years old. For the two years we dated, not once did we discuss the future of the relationship. We just left it to roll. However, he recently indicated his interest to marry me.

Agatha, I need your help to do what is right and sensible. 

Together we have been through a lot. Some of the challenges even threatened our relationship but he still stayed with me. 

Like I hinted earlier we never intended it to be serious because we were then in relationships with other people. Naturally we were both distracted by these relationships. At a point, I told a lie about the stability of my relationship with the other man. I made him think it was collapsing. He also told me he wasn’t in love with the other lady he was engaged to. 

After a while, I went back to tell another lie to him that I had broken up with the other guy and that he was the only one left in my life, but it boomeranged when I became pregnant for my other boyfriend while he was abroad. He found out, and he was very disappointed in me. Out of shame, I moved far away from him to sort myself out but he was always checking on me. I couldn’t keep the child so I terminated the pregnancy; still he found out and came back to me. 

Despite this, I was still doubtful of his feelings for me. I kept wondering what precisely he wanted from me. 

As a result I never bothered to create the right impression since I thought he was only out to exploit my situation. 

But I have come to love him. I am almost through with my education. I see him everyday and he has never demanded to make love to me and has a way of making me do things I don’t want to do. 

Besides, I don’t know how to tell my parents about him since I don’t know how they would react. 

Do you think I would be making a mistake marrying this man? Do you think he actually likes me?

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

What more assurances do you need from this man to tell you his love comes from the depth of his heart? How many men, both young and old would want to have anything to do with a woman who told lie to them the way you did? Frankly he should be the one afraid of your sincerity and love for him, because if you could lie to him once, you are very capable of lying to him again and again. 

That he forgave your lie, accepted you back even when he found out about the pregnancy and abortion underscores his need of you in his life. He is not unaware of your weaknesses as a woman, or the facts about your person. He is not asking you to marry him out of delusion, but from a heart that is real and clear enough to know that his love can heal whatever mistakes you made in the past. 

Only a man who truly cares about a woman would take the kind of step this man took without looking back or caring a hoot what anybody thinks of him. 

It shows a man who is caring, understanding, selfless, and also a true friend. Yes, he may not have all the qualities you may desire in a man, but you also don’t have everything he desires in a woman. 

From the quality of commitment he has shown, it is very clear that his feelings for you are more than the average. 

Whatever misgivings your parents have against this man, make them understand his love for you and how he has done things other men in his shoes wouldn’t do. While you may not be so detailed about what you did and how he stood by you, there is the need for you to underline his special qualities for them to appreciate your need of him in your life. Besides, being the one who will be living with him, the ultimate choice is yours, not theirs. 

Search deeply into your heart for the answer you are looking for. Frankly, unless you are very honest with yourself, you may not have the guts and clarity of mind to make the right choice. Pray for the help of God who sees right in our heart to help you do what is right.

Good luck. 

Hard To Bank On His Sincerity After All I’ve Done

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 24 years of age and an undergraduate in the fourth year. I am in a relationship with a man of 30 years of age, who incidentally graduated from my school. 

Our relationship is two years old. For the two years we dated, not once did we discuss the future of the relationship. We just left it to roll. However, he recently indicated his interest to marry me.

Agatha, I need your help to do what is right and sensible. 

Together we have been through a lot. Some of the challenges even threatened our relationship but he still stayed with me. 

Like I hinted earlier we never intended it to be serious because we were then in relationships with other people. Naturally we were both distracted by these relationships. At a point, I told a lie about the stability of my relationship with the other man. I made him think it was collapsing. He also told me he wasn’t in love with the other lady he was engaged to. 

After a while, I went back to tell another lie to him that I had broken up with the other guy and that he was the only one left in my life, but it boomeranged when I became pregnant for my other boyfriend while he was abroad. He found out, and he was very disappointed in me. Out of shame, I moved far away from him to sort myself out but he was always checking on me. I couldn’t keep the child so I terminated the pregnancy; still he found out and came back to me. 

Despite this, I was still doubtful of his feelings for me. I kept wondering what precisely he wanted from me. 

As a result I never bothered to create the right impression since I thought he was only out to exploit my situation. 

But I have come to love him. I am almost through with my education. I see him everyday and he has never demanded to make love to me and has a way of making me do things I don’t want to do. 

Besides, I don’t know how to tell my parents about him since I don’t know how they would react. 

Do you think I would be making a mistake marrying this man? Do you think he actually likes me?

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

What more assurances do you need from this man to tell you his love comes from the depth of his heart? How many men, both young and old would want to have anything to do with a woman who told lie to them the way you did? Frankly he should be the one afraid of your sincerity and love for him, because if you could lie to him once, you are very capable of lying to him again and again. 

That he forgave your lie, accepted you back even when he found out about the pregnancy and abortion underscores his need of you in his life. He is not unaware of your weaknesses as a woman, or the facts about your person. He is not asking you to marry him out of delusion, but from a heart that is real and clear enough to know that his love can heal whatever mistakes you made in the past. 

Only a man who truly cares about a woman would take the kind of step this man took without looking back or caring a hoot what anybody thinks of him. 

It shows a man who is caring, understanding, selfless, and also a true friend. Yes, he may not have all the qualities you may desire in a man, but you also don’t have everything he desires in a woman. 

From the quality of commitment he has shown, it is very clear that his feelings for you are more than the average. 

Whatever misgivings your parents have against this man, make them understand his love for you and how he has done things other men in his shoes wouldn’t do. While you may not be so detailed about what you did and how he stood by you, there is the need for you to underline his special qualities for them to appreciate your need of him in your life. Besides, being the one who will be living with him, the ultimate choice is yours, not theirs. 

Search deeply into your heart for the answer you are looking for. Frankly, unless you are very honest with yourself, you may not have the guts and clarity of mind to make the right choice. Pray for the help of God who sees right in our heart to help you do what is right.

Good luck. 

Before Her Humble Background Stifles Me

Dear Agatha,                                    

I want to start by appreciating the wisdom you apply in solving people’s problem. There is this girl I’ve been dating for more than two years whom I’m contemplating spending the rest of my life with, but who has lied to me several times. The recent one includes her age. I just found out contrary to what she told me, she is a year and some months older than I am. 

I have never planned to be involved with a woman who is older than I am. 

Secondly, although an undergraduate in the final year, I’m scared by her family’s poor financial background. Considering the fact that I’m the first in my family, don’t you think that the responsibility would be too much on me? Don’t you think my family will be disappointed in me? I also noticed that she has had a surgery in the womb as a result of ovarian cyst. Can it prevent her from conceiving? Currently, she wants to go for surgery as a result of growth in her lower abdomen which has been there for over two years now.
I would like to know the cause of that and also whether it would have any future effect on her. Finally, I love this girl because she is a devoted Christian and also a wife material. Please, advise me on what to do.

Worried Guy.

Dear Worried Guy, 

Sincerely, I am not in a position to tell you of the medical consequences of all the operations she has gone through and would go through. It is best you both go to the doctor for proper explanations on what could be wrong with her.  That she is having pains in her lower abdomen doesn’t make her infertile. The concern should be for her to get proper treatment for whatever is wrong with her.  On the issue of age and the many lies she has told you, she is very wrong to have lied about her age to you. She should have given you the choice of making up your mind on whether you want to date a woman older than you or not. Lies have a way of destroying trust in any relationship whether romantic, platonic or otherwise. It calls to question the true identity of the person involved.

But since you say you love her, it is a sufficient reason for you to forgive her. However there is the need for you to call, educate and point her at the harm her lies are doing to your relationship. She has to know that you don’t have the same confidence in her as you did when you started out. The realization that she risks losing you based on the many lies she tells you may help heal her of this habit. In addition, these lies point at lack of confidence in herself and security in your love for her. Knowing also that your love is strong enough to weather whatever storm life throws at both of you would make her think twice before lying to you. 

On the issue of her coming from a poor background isn’t tenable at all. If she is struggling to earn a quality education just like you, it means she is also conscious of her background and the need to improve on the lot of her family. Being poor  isn’t and will never be a crime but your attitude and disdain for her background may be the real reason she is hoarding the truth from you. You have to show her that you love her enough to overlook the financial status of her family.   

Since nothing good comes cheap, you have to overlook her downside and made up your mind on what you like most about her. Our ability to succeed is more often than not, limited by lack of determination to go after what our heart seek. Once your mind is made up about this lady, don’t bother yourself with her other habits because overtime love will cure her imperfection.

Just lean more on God.

Good luck.

We’re Both AS, But Don’t Want My Child To

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend and I are both AS. He isn’t bothered because he is very religious and is putting God ahead of us.  We are both very close but having had the unpleasant experience of living with a cousin who is SS, I am very worried about it. Although my friend is a very good man, I don’t want to have an SS child.  I know all about the technology of finding out before the child is born and terminating the pregnancy but I wouldn’t want to do that either.

I am really troubled because like I said, he is a very good man, the kind I want in my life. But right now I am so confused and don’t know what to do. I have never really met an AA guy as nice as he is.

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady, 

Life is about choices. To move forward in life you just have to make some painful choices. There is a point in life when we come to a cross road and have to make a choice between two unpalatable situations. It is God’s way of sharpening us for the many challenges life daily unfolds. You love him but don’t want the emotional and medical troubles that come with having an SS child. Something must go for both of you to be happy.

There is no easy way out of the problems you have found yourself in. It is either you take the risk of having an SS baby or you end the relationship with him and save yourselves from the harrowing experience of having to go through constant abortions or having an SS child.

One thing is clear, God should never be tempted. Granted, faith is the foundation of our relationship with God, wisdom is the icing on the cake of our faith. One cannot jump into a lake of firing in an attempt to tempt God’s presence in one’s life. To do that would be akin to putting God to test in a matter that requires simple wisdom to avoid. 

Faith is about trusting in God and not putting Him to test to prove His nature to us. We are the ones that should constantly put our selves under His authority, not Him putting Himself under our authority. God doesn’t work in that way. If you both know that your love is strong enough survive the emotional and psychological stress of having an SS child, all you have to do is ask God to give you the grace to. It is His grace to survive the tough time ahead that you need not His ability to change the situation. There are certain things God won’t change, not because He lacks the strength to but because it is our cross in life. God isn’t just a God of miracles only, but one who is determined to ensure His children understand that no matter the situation we find ourselves in, He remains our father, friend, cheerleader and our advocate at all times. 

At this stage, you both still have the ability to make the changes you want in your lives. He gave us the right to free will; to make the choice we are comfortable with. If you love him but unwilling to have an SS child, you have the choice of not attempting to have a child of your own by considering adoption. The choice is frankly yours to make since your man has made up his mind about the path he is going to take in all these. 

At this point, it is your duty also to educate him about the condition. Having experienced it at first hand, God has equipped with the knowledge as well as experience to educate him on the consequences of two SS coming together. Paint the picture of pains the child goes through as well as the usual regrets and anxiety the parents go through when the crisis starts. Also tell him about the despair of watching the child’s without being able to offer much help. He may not understand the full consequences of what he is going into but telling him would enable him have a clear perspective into what he is up against.

If unwilling to leave him, key into his vision but pray for the grace of God to get you to that level of comfort with His plans for you. Being the woman, you must have the greater strength of pulling your husband through at the end of it all.

However if you make up your mind to leave based on your experiences with your cousin, then you must sit down and re-order your priorities in life as well as the place and plans of God in your life. 

What you need to do urgently is to pray. Go on your knees and ask Him for the right direction to go. He only knows the strength and course of the patterns of our lives. This is a decision you have to make with a very clear and practical mind if you want to be happy in life.

Good luck. 

Coping Alone While I’m Abroad Sickens Her

Dear Agatha, 

I have gained so much from reading your solutions to other people’s problems. However one thing keeps tugging at my mind that has to do with the way things are turning out in Nigeria. It is worrisome but there is nothing I, as individual, can do about changing the course of things in Nigeria.

As a result of the situation in Nigeria, I have developed the strong desire to travel abroad to acquire more knowledge on my profession and seek a greener pasture. But where the problem lies now is on my beloved girl friend. She doesn’t want me to leave her behind while I travel out of the country. The truth is that I have to go because I need to improve on my life.  

I don’t know how to convince her that I intend marrying her once I come back to Nigeria. Her real fear isn’t the possibility of me falling in love with another woman while there but how she will cope without me. Agatha, what can I tell her that will give her the assurances she needs?

Chukwudi.

Dear Chukwudi, 

It is a simple matter of both of you trusting each other as well as developing the self discipline to cope with the loneliness of living apart for awhile. It is also a question of you taking out time to discover who your woman really is, the substance she is made of as well as the strength of her ability. This has nothing to do with character, but her peculiarities as a person. Just like everything in life, we all come with our strong and weak points. There is no way you would be able to convince her on your need to go if you lack the real knowledge of what you are up against in her person. This is the moment of truth, re-evaluation of your knowledge of her and the re-establishment of your relationship in conformity with your current challenge in your relationship.  

For her as a woman, her fear is multiplied because unlike you, she may not be able to play the field as freely as you would do as the man. You, your family and friends expect a certain form of decorum from her and being the one who would remain in familiar environment, she would feel your absence the more. She will lack the ability to have even a platonic relationship without fear of being called names. 

And if she is used to having sex with you, not having you by her side when she feels the sexual urge could be very traumatic for her emotionally. The lack of your warmth could actually push her to seek comfort somewhere else especially if she is the kind of woman who cannot cope without a man by her side. Since she trusts you enough to know that she is secured in your love for her, her fear is her own ability to keep herself for you. You must understand what she is not saying and seek ways of helping her cope with your absence. Whatever the society may say, some women simply cannot cope without having sex or having a man by their side. It has nothing to do with being promiscuous but the way they are built and how they have trained their bodies. This is a fact that must be appreciated by you before you leave her alone. Her protest is a salient plea to you not to allow her make a mistake she might later regret. If you love her, you must listen more to the lot she is not saying and not her discomfort at letting you go.

It is not just enough telling her you are traveling. You must, as a matter of urgency, fill her in on all the details. For instance you must let her know how long you intend to stay over there. For a woman like this, only a specific timetable would help her adjust. If you have no plans of coming back soon, be bold enough to tell her. Don’t lie to her simply because you want to get away. For her to cope, she has to prepare herself psychologically, emotionally and spiritually to first cope on her own and to control her sexual emotions.  Before you go, encourage her to take charge of certain things you hitherto helped her with and also teach her to learn to control her sexual urges by not obliging yourself as well as frequently as you used to. 

It is better for both of you if the withdrawal begins while you are still around. This way, the effect of a sudden withdrawal would not be so devastating for her to cope with. If both of you are able to manage your emotions, sort out any envisaged problems; honest about your feelings for each other this problem is resolvable. She has to understand your need for a secured and better life for both of you while you have to understand her real fears. Both of you must be ready to make the sacrifice needed at this point on time to get to the next stage of your relationship. 

Good luck. 

My Mother-in-law Wants Me Out Of My Matrimonial Home

Dear Agatha,

I am one of those women who never liked the idea of having a mother-in-law because of the many stories I have heard and listened to about the havocs they do to their sons’ homes. 

But when I met my husband I was too much in love with him to remember my resolve not to marry a man who still had a mother. Besides, he promised never to allow his mother come between us. I believed him and that informed my reason for marrying him.

The first year went quite well until I had my first child. Against my will he brought his mother to stay with us to help with the baby.

It wasn’t long after that she started manifesting her true nature. She began to complain almost about everything in the house from my handling of the baby to my dirty nature. She acted as if the baby was hers. Simply because on one occasion the baby slipped from my hands while I slept from fatigue of feeding her throughout the night, there was nothing she didn’t say to me. She didn’t stop at that but insisted I give her the baby to care for once I get up in the morning. The only time she allows me close to the baby is when it is time for breastfeeding. In addition, she has taken over my kitchen.

Not minding how I feel, she cooks meals without my consent and has practically taken over my home. 

When I complained to my husband, he told me that his mother was only trying to be useful to me; that rather than complain I should appreciate the sacrifices she was making leaving her husband to be with me. 

My husband thinks I am being paranoid; finding fault where none exists with the mother. According to him, his mother is only trying to make me comfortable by offering to take care of the baby and cook meals for me to give me strength to care for the baby through the night. 

He is refusing to believe me that his mother hates me and wants me out of his house else why would she complain about my housekeeping and the many things she accuses me of?

Agatha, how do I get her out of my house without insulting her because I have had enough of her.

Please help me get my home back. Tell me how to get this woman out of my house so that I can have my peace again. 

Sumbo.

Dear Sumbo,

Precisely how is this woman making life difficult for you? By caring for you while you recuperate from childbirth? Would you be so opposed by her presence in your kitchen if she were your own mother? Would you complain to your husband if it were your mother taking the baby off you during the daytime to give you the strength to nurse the baby through the night? 

Would you feel bad if it were your mother correcting you on how to improve on your housekeeping?

Doubtless, there is no human setting without conflicts but such conflicts can only be resolved amicably when premised on truth and sincerity of purpose. 

From all you have said this woman hasn’t done anything wrong but to offer you support in the best way she understands it. If you are not pleased with her methods, the rules of cordial living and essence of marriage demand you tell her with love and respect. Being your husband’s mother, her position in your life is no longer abstract. She has gone beyond a stranger to being your mother, one you just must learn to live with as long as you are married to her son. There is no way you can claim to love her son without showing her love and respect. She is the mother of the man who has given you so much happiness as a woman and grandmother to the child you are fighting her over. She has the same rights your mother has over that child.

What you seem to forget is that you too would be mother-in-law one day to a woman who would also question the motive behind whatever you are doing to assist her with her child. If this woman has anything against you, do you think she would have allowed you to marry her son in the first place or agreed to come to help you with the baby? From your own admission, the child slipped from your hands when you fell asleep from fatigue of not sleeping in the night. What if anything had happened to the child what would have been your excuse? Only a concerned mother would do what she offered to do, take care of the baby throughout the day. Often than not the attitude of most mothers-in-law is that she has nursed her own children, their sons’ wives should nurse theirs. If you must know the truth, she doesn’t have to do that at all. Many mothers-in-law would not offer to take on the tedious task of caring for a neo-natal throughout the day while you sleep and regain your strength. I am sure many young mothers would gladly take your place.

Rather than make life unbearable for her, you should thank her for being there for you. Her actions show she has taken you not just like a daughter-in-law but like her own daughter. Mothers only do what she is doing for you for their own daughters not daughters-in-law.  

There are women like my mother who wouldn’t even do more than come for a one-day visit to see the baby. You are indeed a very lucky young lady. Be careful you don’t allow your prejudices destroy the peace in your home else you will end up with more regrets than you can manage in life.

Even if your mother-in-law is doing something you don’t like, rather than complain about her to your husband, you could always go to her and tell her how you want things done without anger. A lot depends on the way issues are approached. If you show her love and have been able to go beyond the in-law prejudices to friendship, telling her how you want certain things done in your home won’t be a problem at all. She too would understand the need for you to individualise your home but if you say nothing to her, or even show appreciation for the selfless sacrifices she is making for you, there is no way she would respond with anger to your attitude or complaints. 

A lot of the tension and anger you feel now towards her would change if only you know how to say thank you, as well as take note of her positive points. No matter how old we are, we like to be appreciated. If she were your mother, I am sure you would have been full of praises for her for finding the time to come and stay with you.

One thing you should never forget is the fact that one day you will be in her shoes, mother-in-law to a woman. How would you feel if your son’s wife wishes you dead simply because she has this twisted idea that mothers-in-law are monsters? How would you feel if your daughter-in-law lacks appreciation for the efforts you are putting to make motherhood comfortable for her?

Would you in all honesty blame this woman if she turns hostile to you after the way you have treated her, shown her ingratitude for the efforts she is putting into helping you with the baby?

I think you should be honest enough to check yourself. Do you think this woman deserves your attitude? Isn’t your mother also capable of doing some of the things you are accusing her of doing? Have you ever condemned your mother for who she is? 

Life is a cycle of both perfection and imperfection. For our tomorrows to be better, we must learn to give honour to who it is due. Your mother-in-law is an exceptional woman who deserves praises from you and not condemnation. You are the one who has to change. Treat her like your mother if you really love her son and home.

Good luck. 

Mother Can’t Pick Education Bill, Indian Boss Wants Mistress…

ear Agatha,

I am a good reader of your column. To be sincere with you, you are doing a very nice job. May the good God bless you as well as give solutions to your own problems.

I am a 33-year-old lady born without the presence of a father to take good care of me. I don’t know how it all happened. 

I would have asked my mother what transpired between her and my father but she isn’t too disposed to answering questions about her relationship with my father. From what I gathered, she took up the responsibilities to care for me by herself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford to send me to school. She ignored the fact that I needed to have good education in life. Left with no choice, I had to go and stay with her sister at a tender age all because I desired to have a good education. I was brought to Lagos by this woman who cared so much for me, but something happened and she changed dramatically towards me. I still don’t know what changed her to become so dramatically hostile to me. It got so bad she asked me to leave her house. 

Left with no choice, I went home to see my mother to demand for explanation to all that is happening to me. It was while at home she told me that someone in the church told her, a curse was placed on me. The voodoo is to make people hate me so much that I would be forced to return to the village. I was told to fast, I did. According to them, only the presence of my father can break the curse, which is why I was told to fast for my mother to have a change of heart and take me to my father. 

To worsen matters my stepfather passed on leaving responsibilities too much for my mother to handle. Much as I would have loved to help, it is so painful that I am limited by my problems. Through self-help I sat for the General Certificate Examination (GCE) last year but my result has not been released till date. Please tell me what to do? 

The Bible says we should call upon God night and day for help. I know He is not in the habit of failing anyone who trusts in Him. Now there is this Indian man who wants me to come and work for him but he has placed some very difficult condition that I am uncomfortable with.  

He wants me to come and live with him in his house as his mistress. I don’t want to do that but I have no choice but to accept the offer. I may not have money but I don’t want to exchange my body for money because to me this is fornication? Please tell me what to do before I go into this relationship. Sincerely speaking, I am not happy with the situation and wouldn’t want to offend God. My mother is refusing to introduce me to my father or his family. Till date, I don’t have any information concerning my father or his family, not even his name or that of his family. 

I have suffered so much and would not want to compromise my situation with God. I am of the belief he would make a way for me. I am so confused.

Victoria.

Dear Victoria, 

Let’s give the credit of this page to God because am not flawless. Your mother is the major architect of your problem. Why is she refusing to introduce you to your father or his family? Why is she allowing you go through this difficulty in life? Why did she stop your father from having access to you when she knows she is incapable of taking care of you or help you with information on how to better your life? What does she expect you to do in your current situation; sell your body to make ends meet?

It is your right to know who your father is. At 33, you are more than old enough to be told who you father is. To continue to keep silent about his identity is to call to question her knowledge of who your father really is. This is the point you must emphasis when demanding from her to see your father. She must understand the emotional and spiritual trauma of you growing up without knowing the man whose sperm fathered you. Make her understand that whatever the issue was between them should not be allowed to mar your identity especially as you risk marrying any of your father’s relations or even your father for that matter out of ignorance.

Let her also know that if she truly cares about you, she should be worried at the prophecy given in the church about the curse placed on you. If need be, go to her people or the leadership of the church to plead your case with her.

She has to be made to appreciate that you are no longer a child but a full grown woman who ought to by now have settled and raising a family of her own. They should tell her there is no way you can move forward in life without her help in mending the crack she created in your foundation. Let them assure her that you won’t be offended or deny her as a mother if she tells you the truth concerning her past. Chances are that her refusal to tell you has to do with fear of being rejected by you. Assure her that you understand that human beings are prone to mistakes, especially a young girl whose hormones are more than active or out of desperation for a better life, do certain things contrary to moral standards. Being a mother now, the fear of losing the respect you have for her by opening a chapter she considers closed for life. To get her to open up, you have to show a remarkable understanding and healthy respect for the decisions she took dating your father and for asking to keep you.

To totally condemn her for her conduct would be totally wrong, as you don’t have the experience of what motivated her decisions then. Besides, your condemnation may leave her a permanent prisoner of her conscience and guilt.

Honestly at this stage, you won’t achieve much by fighting her. Granted you have every reason to be angry, bitter but without you applying the much-needed wisdom, it might be impossible for you to break her 33-year of silence. 

If she still refuses to tell you, there must be someone in her family who knows what happened in the past. Ask her siblings or relations. She must have someone who remembers her past, that can give you a clue into her past. The information may not be sufficient but it would be more than enough for you to go by.

There is also the need for you to learn from her mistakes. Already, you are about to make the same mistake your mother made by going to live with a man whose intentions and desires for your body is obvious to you. What if he decides to force himself on you since you live all alone with him in his house? Would you blame him for doing what he has expressly told you he wanted? Do you think he would accept any responsibility for any child that comes from both of you sleeping together?

To be candid with you, whether you like it or not, you are already in a relationship with him because it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants from you as long as you live under his roof. No matter the hardship or confusion generated by your situation, accepting to live with him has compromised whatever moral standards you claim to have. In a way what you are facing should give you a little bit of understanding into the reasons for the choice your mother made back then even though it still doesn’t excuse her reasons for not telling you who your father is.

Sincerely, living in your boss’ house isn’t an option at all. Instead appeal to him to help you look for a job elsewhere to take the pressure off you. Also learn to be focused and determined to succeed in life. If it would help, there are countless of women and men who have walked along this part before and are today huge success because they made the choice to rise above their situation in life. Every situation we find ourselves in life is intended to teach us how to be strong and in control of our situation. At 33, you should have overcome this situation had you determined to.

Nobody can do it for you, not even your mother. Whatever the curse may be, it can be broken once you summon the will to help yourself. Are you saying if your mother had died before this revelation came up, you would have gone to her grave to give you the information about your father. Though it hurts not to know who you fully are, the fact remains that you have a father who is above all fathers, one who cannot change and always ready to help you anytime you ask for His assistance. 

Begin your journey towards self-actualisation by going for deliverance. Pray and ask God for direction on how to go about it. You need Him to lead you to a pastor He has equipped to deliver you. 

Honesty and complete trust in God are what you need to overcome your situation. As you have found out, even parents are capable of failing one. So give yourself up completely to God because that is where your ultimate help comes from. 

Help yourself by checking on your own ways too because most times we are our very own enemies. If you haven’t done it already, don’t cheapen yourself by sleeping with this man. It isn’t worth it.

Good luck.

Should I Tell My Sister About Her Husband’s Covert Wife?

Dear Agatha,

What I’m about to tell you has been giving me sleepless nights for close to a year now. I must say it has been giving me even high blood pressure as well.

I live with my sister and her husband. They have been married for quite sometime now without any child. Both of them look happy together even without a child.

However, early last year, I stumbled on a piece of information that started my emotional upset. I got to know that my sister’s husband has impregnated a lady in another state different from where we’re leaving. I couldn’t tell my sister, couldn’t tell anybody either. I was confused and decided to put it off as mere rumour.

A month ago, I confirmed this to be true, even with names. The lady has given birth. Every two weeks, my brother-in-law gives official reasons for travelling. My sister does not know this and I’m not sure whether to tell her. This is why I am worried and stressful. What can I do?

Worried Sister.

Dear Worried Sister, 

It isn’t your place to tell your sister. The decision is that of her husband. No matter how painful all these are for you, you must keep away from your sister’s marital challenges. Irrespective of whatever her husband has done, he remains her partner and soul mate. Whereas they can forgive each other and make up to each other because of what they shared, the same cannot be said for you. Her husband will forever remember how you tried to break his home by telling his wife something he was trying to hide and your sister will one day query your reason for telling her. Besides, your name will always be mentioned as the one who told her about the other woman and the child. 

Marriage is a sacred and very delicate institution. It is also a mystery only very few people understand. When two people decide to spend the rest of their lives together, they are not only making the physical vow but going into a very strong covenant which only the two of them understand. Some couples are too deep into each other to be understood. Their unity is beyond understanding and only those who understand what the ideals of marriage appreciate the power of love and friendship in a marriage.

Marriage involves just two people, anytime there is a third party intervention, the foundation experiences a crack capable of destroying the foundation completely. No matter how deep an injury is in a marriage, true love is elastic enough to snap it back together. If your sister is truly in love with her husband, they will always overcome this problem. Besides you don’t know what the arrangement is between your sister and husband especially if the fault is from her. Strange things have been known to happen between couple.

There is no hidden thing under the sun. Your brother-in-law cannot conceal the existence of this child from his wife forever. Eventually she will get to know of her husband’s betrayal of her, but do everything to make sure she doesn’t get to hear it from you. Trust me you lack the maturity and wisdom to break this delicate news to her.

To assuage your guilt at keeping this information from her, confide in your mother, if you still have one. As a matured mind, she will know how to manage the situation without breaking your sister’s marriage. You could also confront your brother-in-law with the information you have. In doing this, don’t be overtly hostile to him, just demand to know why he did what he did considering the pains it would cause your sister.

Hear him out, express your disappointment at his conduct, but don’t ever insult him because whatever he may have done wrong, he remains the husband of your elder sister and until she decides otherwise, continue to accord him his respect. The best you can do is to pray for God’s intervention for your sister because it is the only way she can get over her problems and become fulfilled as a woman. If you have never been close to her, taking things happening to her for granted, it is time you do. Listen to her inner yearnings as a woman by encouraging her to talk about the challenges she is facing in her marriage. Being her pillar would give her the much needed succour to face the task of adjusting to the knowledge of being a stepmother when the husband eventually decides to tell her. 

Furthermore, you need to position yourself as a friend too, to be able to know how and where to come in with help when is needed. There is the need to be very close to her emotionally. 

Good luck.

Help, I Can’t Woo Girl!

Dear Agatha,

Where in the world did you learn this talent of overcoming people’s problems?

I am a 20-year-old boy who since secondary school has had no relationship with a woman. I often ask my friends how they manage to talk women into having relationships with them. Some of my friends think my question funny. They ask if I am impotent. Agatha, it has nothing to do with impotency but my inability to chat up a girl who responds to my overtures. It is also confusing to me. I don’t know why it happens like that. Please help me if you can.

Lonely Boy.

Dear Lonely Boy,

All the glory for whatever I am doing here rightly belongs to God. He is the problem solver not me. I am only doing His bidding. You are having this problem because deep down you have this morbid fear that you don’t have what it takes to keep this girls. Unless you overcome your sense of limitations, inadequacy and fear of embarrassing yourself in the presence of a woman, you would never be able to chat up a woman.

One of the ways to challenge this restriction in your life is to accept the fact that we are all prone one time or the other to mistakes and making fools of ourselves. Ask a lot of men. They would tell you that the first time they talked to a woman was very difficult and frightening because it was an entirely new terrain.

The guts to withstand the cold stare of the woman: her arrogance, and sometime outright rudeness is what you need. Brave it because underneath the façade of indifference and toughness most women put up the first time a man approaches them, is a soft and friendly side.

The worst, a woman can do is to tell you off. She is only exercising her prerogative. Move on to one who would receive your interest with happiness.

Being honest, simple and factual would work better magic for you than any word. Don’t worry too much about it. Chatting a woman up is one of the initiations you have to confront in your journey towards manhood.

Next time on seeing a girl you like, start by limiting your interest to general topics like the weather, political and social development in the country before talking about her person and your interest. Your interest should only be tabled when you are both sufficiently accommodating.

Good luck.

Before Her Anger Over My Marriage Abroad Ruins Our Dream…

Dear Agatha,

 I live overseas and really enjoy reading the advice you offer to your various writers. I’ve advised myself severally simply by reading your comments on various issues. I really want to thank you for everything.

 I have an issue of my own I would like to get some advice on. I met Chinyere back in 2004 in Nigeria while on a trip home. We spoke frequently over the phone during the next few months and really came to like each other. The relationship flourished for the next two years during which time I came home several times to visit her and her family. I loved them so much. 

Being overseas the past 25 years, and being 43 years old have not changed me much from my values, but I kept a secret from Chinyere. During my years overseas, I got married to a foreigner and we had two boys, now 16 and 13 years of age. My kids and I are very close. I was already divorced two years before I met Chinyere but I failed to inform her when I first met her of my situation. I even became wearier of telling her after we fell in love. I was scared she might leave me. But I knew I was making a mistake. I was listening to family members and friends, who also loved her so much that she might leave me if she found out I was married and had kids. 

 I was going to proceed with the traditional wedding in 2006, but I knew it would go against every fair principle that I knew and practiced. So I called to inform some friends and advise them to accompany me to her parents’ house so I can disclose this last information to them in front of my girl before the wedding. Well, as it turned out, one of my so-called friends carelessly or intentionally told her about my situation before I returned home. Chinyere didn’t even bother to call and find out what had happened. She stopped taking my calls. 

When I visited home that summer, she said our wedding was off and still refused to tell me what happened. I later learnt from her parents how someone had called and informed her that I was married to a certain white woman and had children. I don’t know what else they told her. Until today, Agatha, she never told me what really happened. She refused to marry me, and has not married herself. I’m 43 yrs of age, unmarried, while she is 31. 

I need some closure, Agatha, and I need your help because it’s really been long but I still think about her all the time. I need help moving on with my life. It’s been awhile we talked. I don’t really know what else to say to her after pleas from my family and I and even some members of hers have fallen on her deaf ears. How do I move on?

Tobechukwu.

Dear Tobechukwu, 

Doubtless you were wrong not to have told her about your former marital status and the children. Irrespective of what you feared, you should have been man enough to confront her with the ghost of your past by telling her about the children she supposed to inherit as hers.

She trusted you with her heart and life by agreeing to marry you. The shock of finding out that the man she is supposed to settle down with is hiding something as important as children and a history of a broken home, destroyed the trust she has started to build around you and the relationship. Sincerely, you cannot blame her for refusing to listen to you at the time you came. You had all the opportunities of telling her about these children. 

The news of knowing you have children must have been very traumatic for her especially as she didn’t know much about you even when she agreed to marry you. Leaving far from her also didn’t help matters especially with the stories of the desperation most African men display to stay in their host country. She could have come to so many conclusions, wrong in your perspective, but right in hers. One thing is clear, whatever trust she had in you or the possibility of having a happy union nose-dived from the point your friend told her crashed. By now she is probably wondering what other unpleasant surprises you have in stock for her. Her reason for canceling your wedding plans may be her inability to reconcile with your present image as a father. She may not have envisaged life with someone who has tried matrimony and have children. 

Unless she is ready to come out of whatever shell she has built around, there is little or nothing you can do. She has to learn to forgive you before you can talk of a future together. Try putting yourself in her shoes to appreciate what she is going through. 

However be that as it may, relationship heals on the wheel of forgiveness and trust. Granted you were very wrong not to have told her from the beginning about your collapsed marriage, truth is, she should have given you the chance to explain why you kept such vital information from her. 

Although you made the greater mistake of not telling her but in retrospect, it has given you a chance to assess the kind of person she is. True love and friendship make it easy for couple to let go of some painful memories. If she has the same kind of love you have for her, irrespective of her initial shock and pains, she should have long forgiven you of the offence because that is what time does, heal our pains as well as disappointments.

Having pleaded with her as well as have her family members intercede for you, make the last attempt to see her by sending her a text message asking for an appointment with her. If she fails to respond or listen to what you have to say, accept the fact that it wasn’t meant to be and move on with your life. If this is what God wants there is no questioning His authority. 

He sees the end from the beginning and knows what is best for us. Submitting to His supremacy is the only way you can be happy because certain things we think are best for us end up not being in our interest. The key to happiness is to completely trust God and submit to His will for you at all times. That is the only way to wipe away all your tears. 

Good luck.