Hard To Wrest Her Free From Her Man-friend’s Grip

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I am 22 years of age, serving and in a relationship with a 20-year-old undergraduate. My relationship is shadowed by insecurity on my part. In all my previous relationships I have missed happiness due to this problem of mine.

Now I am in another relationship and don’t want to lose my girlfriend this time around. Please help me especially as she has this married man also interested in her.

Although I have told her to tell the man to stop calling her she declined to. In all fairness, I am sure there is nothing going on between the two of them, but she told me he might be 'useful'. When I asked her to explain what she meant by that statement, she said it was girl’s talk. This has caused a serious disagreement between us.

Insecure Boy.

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Dear Insecure Boy,

This woman isn’t the real problem rather you and whatever happened in the past is.
There is no way you can conduct a viable relationship if you are constantly suspicious of your women. No woman likes to be questioned unnecessarily or clothed in attire that doesn’t fit her.

Whatever your past mistakes are, you have to learn to deal with the real issues in your life. It has to be an all-embracing approach to whatever it is that is bringing on your insecurities.

The first question to ask yourself is why you are feeling so insecure. Has it to do with your family history? Is there any particular incident in your past, your parents’ marriage, with your female relatives that has put this fear inside of you? What is it that you have locked very deep in your heart and has refused to discuss with anybody?

Your phobia isn’t normal and until you take the bold step of addressing it, you will never be completely happy with any woman because like a black cloud each time it promises pure sunshine, the dark clouds would come to cast a shadow over it.

To be able to be truly happy, you have to learn to trust all over again. You have to let go of the shadows of yesterday. You have to realize that while cobwebs are inevitable part of life, when they are allowed to last becomes traps. The beauty about life is allowing the past act as a motivation for the future. We are prone to mistakes and when they come, must be used as a ladder to reach on to better things in life.

This lady has done the right thing about telling you about this man. You won’t be pressurizing her to do as you say if she has kept quiet about this man. Learn to give her the benefit of doubt.

Doubtless her answer sounds provocative, but fighting her won’t make her change her mind. Rather, show her how much you love her as well as her importance to you. When a woman is secured in the love of her man, she will never do anything to hurt him or for him to suspect her.

Showing her that you trust her sufficiently to do her thing is one of the quickest ways of making a woman change her mind about her course of action. At that point one thing runs supreme in her mind, that of not betraying the man who has given her so much trust whereas anger and stubbornness at being told whom she can associate with or not makes her blind to reason.

Just tell her you trust her enough to go with her reasons even if the whole thing makes you very uncomfortable. Telling her about your discomfort would make her a little careful and unlikely to risk losing you.

This attitude would also help you more confident of yourself as a man. Insecurity in a man could lead him to losing his focus in life because the time that would have been spent on productive ventures goes into monitoring and picking needless quarrels with his woman thereby weakening the support base of his home and life.

As the head, you must resist the damaging consequences of insecurity. When in doubt about any situation, always ask questions before complaining or acting.

At 22, there is plenty of time for you to build on your self-confidence to avert the disaster of a broken home as a result of your inability to properly pilot the affairs of your matrimony with the maturity it deserves.

Good luck.

My Ex Put Our Secret Deal On Public Soapbox

Dear Agatha,

I was in a relationship with a man I loved so much until he travelled out. But before he left, something happened between us. My ex-boyfriend said things that scandalized my name which although were false but didn’t go down well with my boyfriend.

Officially, we are still dating but there is another man who has expressed interest in me and I think I like him.

Agatha, I am confused. Please tell me what to do.

Ability.

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Dear Ability,

Haven’t you learnt anything from what your former boyfriend said about you? Didn’t you take anything away from that unfortunate episode?

If nothing, it should teach you to be careful about the choices you make as well as the image you project of yourself at all times.

Common sense demands you properly end a relationship before embarking on another one. If you and your current boyfriend are still an item, the best thing is for you to inform him about your change of plan. Since you and this man aren’t married, you still have every right to change your mind, hence should be free to tell him instead of loitering around him while into something new with another man.

Not telling him would only confirm what the other man said about you and could in the long run create some problem for you and this new man of yours who may later too be told about your past.

There is still no substitute to honesty and for a woman that includes self-respect that comes from restraint.

As a young girl with some sort of credibility problem, be careful how you migrate from one man to the other. What makes you so sure you like this man, that he is different from all the other men before him and that you can remain faithful to this one?

Precisely what do you seek in a man? What reasons do you go into a relationship? Who is your ideal man? I ask these questions to help you focus on the more important things in a relationship; those things that will never perish that give frame and flesh to relationship.

Why did you leave your former boyfriend for your current boyfriend? And why do you want to leave him now for this new man? What has this new man to offer which the others before him lacked?

What makes him sufficiently different to make you want to leave this man who despite what your ex said about you still stood by you?

There is more to relationship than a boy meets a girl. It has to have character, strength, and ability to absorb injuries, shocks as well as lift up the couple involved.

While you have every right to do as you like with your emotions, be careful you don’t go into a relationship for the wrong reason. Think and apply the wisdom of God especially now that your current boyfriend is away. Use the opportunity to create by the absence of your boyfriend to ponder on what you want from a relationship and life.

This knowledge would go a long way into helping mould you as well as settle you into a new pattern of life.

Without you first taking this time out to clear your head of the many mistakes you are currently making, you will only end up making things worse for yourself.

In your shoes, I will think before leaping to avoid an unbroken fall. Go into this relationship only when convinced that you are doing the right thing. Even if you are having an issue with your current boyfriend, running away into the arms of another man isn’t the solution because overtime too, this relationship too would begin to show signs of tear and wear. Would you also run away into the arms of another man? If you are serious about growing a relationship, you will stay to work on whatever the problem may be since both of you are two different people trying to make something special happen between the two of you.

It takes a lot of sacrifices and perseverance to make something really good happen.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am a final year law student. I reside and school in Anambra State. I am really an addict of your column. I am also a very prolific writer. I need your help in getting a man who is God fearing, responsible and serious as well as resident in the east for a friend. He must be between the ages of 28 and 30 years of age.

Any interested man can get me through this number, 08074050577.

Queen.

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Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your work. I am a widower in my 40s with three children. I am HIV positive but very healthy. I would appreciate a woman who is positive and desirous of marriage. She must be a Christian, endowed with the spirit of oneness, should contact me through this number, 08056215900.