Saturday, January 31, 2009

I'm Torn Between My Ex And Husband


Dear Agatha,


My husband and I are experiencing a problem that has just refused to go away.


We have been married for over 10 years and I can state categorically that we are seriously in love with each other. Sometime this year, I received a call from an ex-lover who broke up with me about 21 years ago. Until the breakup, I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with my ex but the relationship ended in the most traumatic way, under circumstances that left me almost paralysed. My ex, who had earlier proposed to me, informed me that he could no longer go ahead with the relationship when my health was in jeopardy.


A few months ago I received a call from my ex to meet with me and I obliged by paying him a visit. During the visit I gave my ex my opinion of the treatment I received from him 21 years ago when he jilted me in my time of need. This conversation lasted for about two hours. Throughout the meeting, he apologised profusely for everything that happened during and after the breakup. At the end of the meeting, he gave me a sizeable amount of money and requested that we remain just friends. Since the meeting, he and I have been exchanging text and voice messages.


Unknown to me, my husband found out about this visit and everything that transpired during and after the meeting. My husband doesn't seem to trust me anymore since he believes that I have an adulterous affair with my ex. I am not in love with my ex and cannot imagine myself having an affair with him again. My relationship with him is only platonic and nothing more. I love my husband and I desperately need your advice on how to salvage my marriage.


Oyin.




Dear Oyin,


In his shoes what would you think, how would you feel if he secretly meets with an ex without your knowledge and goes ahead to keep conversation flowing between the two of them? Be sincere, how what would be your natural conclusion? Would you have told your husband about your ex if he didn't find out on his own? How far would you have gone in your friendship with this man if your husband hadn't found you out? These are issues you must provide answers to before this matter can be resolved. There is no way you would expect your husband to continue to trust you when you failed to tell him about your ex and kept his presence in your life a secret. The fact that you were exchanging text and voice messages would make any man wonder at the type of relationship that exist between the two of you. More so, this is a man you were about getting married to and would have married had he not left you.


Yes, you may not have slept with your ex to warrant being tagged unfaithful but you have acted precisely in the manner which could be interpreted as unfaithful. To be candid, you have not acted innocently and have certainly breached trust in your marriage.


When your ex got in touch with you, the ideal thing would have been for you to tell your husband about it. You have been married to this man for 10 years and not once has he given you a reason to doubt his love for you. If you were so precious to the other man why did he abandon you at the point of your need, when you needed him the most?


If he meant well for you, why didn't he offer to meet your family, your husband especially to say thank you to the man who rescued you when he left you without hope?


Deep down do you think he would have come back to apologise if you had ended up in a mental home or become the sort of woman nobody wants to be identified with?


Why did he give you the money? To assuage his conscience or to lure you back into bed with him? What was the motive and why did you not tell your husband about it afterwards?


Honestly, if you had any pride, you shouldn't have accepted that money because accepting it means he still has some control over you, a say in your life and the right to disrupt the quality of happiness in your home.


No matter the excuse or the extent of what you both shared in the past, you should have on account of your marriage resisted his charm and closed all avenues of him coming back into your life. Remember, you are now a married woman, accountable to another man and no longer free to pursue relationship with your past without the knowledge of your present. If you were still unmarried, the story would have been different and nobody would have questioned your right and decision to keep the communication line opened but as a married woman or man for that matter, you cannot indulge in such thing without jeopardising the well-being of your home.


This issue would only go away if you can explain to your husband why you went to your ex without telling him and why you decided to keep the communication line going.


Before you do this, you must first examine your own motive. Deep down, what do you still feel for this man? Be honest because therein lies the antidote to the problem you are having in your marriage. Was it simply a matter of curiosity that made you go to him or something deeper? Given the way he treated you, intense anger and the need to give him a piece of your mind at the mindless way he dumped you at your hour of need may have been the motive but thereafter, why did you decide on holding on to him?


Do you still feel something for him? I know it is never easy to give up on someone you once loved to the point of wanting to marry him, but is it just your will to maintain the friendship of the past or something deeper than you want to admit to? Have you really gotten over him?


It is only when you face these questions with all the honesty they deserve you can go before your husband to explain yourself and reasons as well as plead for forgiveness.


In the interest of your home, admit your mistakes by agreeing to how the event presents you in his eyes. Beg him in the language you know he understands best and for now, don't pressurise him into forgiving you immediately. It would take a while for him to be able to put this incident behind him and much would depend on how strong your relationship is and how you progress from this point. If you are humble, calm, remorseful and very prayerful, he would eventually forgive you. Being anxious and desperate to settle it immediately could lead you into making more mistakes so allow time, to heal him because what you did is a grievous offence against all marital laws. He needs time to mend and heal before he can completely forgive you.


You see, some love never die but you just must let go if your present and future are to serve you well. This man is forbidden to you and you to him. You now belong to someone else, someone who loves you, who desires you for who you are and not what you are.


Besides, this man knows you are married and if he has any respect for you, he would not do anything to jeopardise the sanctity of your marriage. You are destroying the beauty and strength of your marriage by allowing a third party into it. Still this wind of destruction before it consumes you and your home.


Call the other man in his presence and tell him to stop calling you that his presence in your life is affecting your marriage. If he loves you he would understand your need to be rid of him. To ensure he doesn't bother you again, change your sim for the time being.


Give your husband all the respect he deserves as your man by being very honest with him in everything you do.


Good luck.