With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I became a widow at an early age. Due of my experiences after the death of my husband I am scared of remarrying. Do you think it is better I remain single with my baby or remarry? And secondly I lack what it takes to love another man that comes my way. What should I do?
Worried Widow.
Dear Worried Widow,
Widowhood on its own is traumatic, and in our society has been made more painful by the treatment given to the bereaved woman from the deceased family.
To dwell on this is to shortchange yourself and deny your child of the benefit of having a stable father figure in life. Also, you would be giving your accusers every reason to continue to torment you.
The fact that your husband died early doesn’t mean you have allowed your happiness and that of your child to die with him. There is no way you would have prevented his death. So don’t allow guilt and what people would say stop you from being happy.
Only the living lives life. He got down from the bus of life at his designated bus stop. Even if you had offered him your life, there is no changing what God has ordained.
Refusing to marry would not bring him back just as marrying another man won’t erase his memory from your heart and life. That time you shared with him would remain indelible. He place in your heart would never be taken by another man.
Apart from the gift of that child, your history will never be completed without a mention of him. He would forever remain special in your life.
But life didn’t plan for both of you to spend your entire lives together. You have been separated by death, and live you must. In your shoes, he too would consider remarrying after sometime. So don’t feel you are betraying him by living again.
You may not need a man for now, but after a while you definitely would need the companionship of a man in your life. It would also get to a point you would need more than sex from a man. Having been married before you would eventually want marriage all over again. Don’t forget that you didn’t plan separation, it happened because you lost your husband to death.
Not many women can live without a man in their lives. Your child may for now give you all the comfort you need but won’t always be there for you. That child has a life and would one day leave the nest.
It is that day you must begin to plan towards so you don’t become an over possessive, become a hindrance rather than a blessing to this child. Chances are if you don’t plan a life of your own outside this child, you would be. It is always very difficult especially for a single mother to let an only child go.
Understandably you feel this way because you are still hurting for your loss and the death of not just your husband but of all the dreams you shared. It is healthy for you to feel this way, normal for you to want to reject other men, but it would be unhealthy to cocoon yourself forever in the memories of yesterday.
Brutal as this may sound, that yesterday is gone forever. It would never come back to you. All you have are memories, cherished ones indeed!
And if uncertainty is your fear because of the bitter experiences you went through in the hands of your in-laws, these things are normal. If you were the one that died, your people too are bound to ask questions. Therefore don’t take whatever they did to heart. They have every right to demand answers to unanswered questions concerning the death and otherwise of their child. You would too if anything happens to your child. You lost a husband; they lost a child. Like you their pains would never completely heal. At least you can remarry, but there is no one that can replace him in their lives.
You need to move forward. However, don’t rush yourself into anything. Take each day as it comes. Ensure you are reasonably healed since there is no way you can ever be completely healed before allowing another man into your life.
Take each day as it comes. Allow it to be a gradual process until you are sure of him. Although this may be a little bit difficult considering you are a matured woman, used to having sex on demand, but be careful you don’t allow sex to be the prime reason for any relationship to avoid more emotional injury to yourself.
Above all, get closer to God to send a man who would not just love you but also accept your child as his.
Good luck.
Monday, April 4, 2011
The place of intimacy and fasting in marriage
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Is it right for my husband to kick me out of the house because I refused to have sex with him while fasting for the well being of the family? It was only for 21 days. The painful thing is that my pastor blames me for not being wise enough. He said I should have given in to his demands when he wanted to have sex with me.
I don’t know what to do anymore as my husband insists that I should marry my religion.
What should I do?
Dear Agatha,
What normal woman would abandon her home for the church under the guise of fasting, prayers and night vigils? For three weeks now my wife hasn’t been sleeping at home because they have a special programme and vigil in church.
I have tried to reason with her but she is adamant. She even thinks I am behind her problem. I really don’t know what kind of problem she has that would make her take permanent residence in the church. I am seriously considering ending this marriage and looking for another woman who would always be available for me.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is using the excuse of our 21-day fasting programme as excuse for impregnating the house-help. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Readers,
These letters are real and not figment of my imagination. They all point to the emotional and religious struggles in most of our homes when the woman thinks spiritualism and the man emotionalism. When the man thinks his rights as husband are being denied and the woman thinks the man is unreasonable not to know that her action is for the general good of the family.
Vigils and fasting have become the order of the day. Unfortunately an exercise meant to protect the marriage and the people in it from problems is turning out to be a major source of marital conflicts, some serious enough to lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
From the tones of these letters, men and women have different views on the subject of fasting and sex that it is almost impossible for a truce to be brokered; unless of course the matter comes to a head.
Due to the many questions and letters like these about the place of sex and fasting in marriage, I have decided to go into clinic today.
To get a very good understanding of this issue, it is important we get a clear view on the reason for marriage.
Right from the beginning, God made it clear that two shall become one and that what He has brought together, no man should put asunder; that once a man or woman gets married; his or her body automatically becomes the property of his or her partner.
To ensure smooth running of the home, He put the man in charge while the woman’s role is to give support at all times to her husband. Therefore a woman must at all times consider the consequence of her action on her husband or marriage.
Support could be spiritual, physical, emotional as well as financial.
One of the cardinal reasons is for the purpose of procreation. Unlike lesser animals who have the freedom to engage in the act that leads to procreation without restrictions, the human being must go through legal and customary process to enjoy the gift of sex. Unfortunately, men generally still retain this basic animalistic instinct; the one that gets them going by the sight of an attractive female. While a woman has the ability to endure for days, most men cannot do without the company of a woman for more than two days.
This is because sex comes with so much more than the average man can imagine. God being who He is, is aware of the influence and pleasure of sex He is also aware of the consequences of free sex hence the need for a man and woman to first legalise their feelings before having sex.
Although sex is physical, it represents a spiritual covenant between a man and woman because of the fluid passed from one to the other as well as the seed of life that comes from it. In addition, it also satisfies the hunger of flesh in every man or woman not sworn to celibacy.
Therefore, sex represents the lifeline of every marriage. Without good sex, a marriage, no matter how compatible the couple appears, would eventually go down the drain due to emotional pressures.
The potency of sex in marriage can never be overemphasised. For a lot of people, it is what makes or mars a marriage. Sex is the candle that lights up the marriage, the gum that glues as well as the mender that mends the marriage.
For the average man and woman, sex is like a life giving oxygen; it has become a leisure sport for both young and old. Its popularity is such that it has almost become old fashioned for a young lady to marry as a virgin or for a man to remain faithful to his vows.
The permissiveness of the society makes it very easy for the man to hop freely from one woman to the other like a social butterfly in his quest for the excitement sex offers. The woman on the other hand is expected to do everything within her powers not to give her man an excuse to look outside the home. Unfortunately, sex has become so common place that children not yet in their teens are already engaged in it.
It has become the opium that the entire human race is dependent on. Despite attempts to play down on its influence, it has not only continued to dig the graves of most marriages but also at hand to say its requiem mass.
This is why wise married women do everything to ensure, that their men don’t stray, of tempted to find solace in the arms of another woman by being always available when the man comes demanding for his rights.
However, religion and its demands are now conflicting with the limitless access God gave to married couples to have sex on demand.
Increasingly, married men are complaining of neglect by their wives. Chiefly among complains is that women are using religious practices like prayer and fasting to deny them of their rights at home.
On the surface, sex and religion are a strange mix but, when viewed from the point that we are all products of somebody’s sex life and decision, plus the fact that every natural creation around the world evolves from the act of procreation, it then follows that it cannot be separated from religion.
Marriage itself flourishes under the influence of sex. A childless marriage is considered a failure and for a marriage to be considered fruitful, it must produce children.
While a marriage can survive without religion, it cannot survive without sex. Sex was decreed into marriage by God Himself when He instructed Adam and Eve to go into the world and procreate.
Therefore any woman who places fasting and prayers above her role as a wife to her husband, risks losing her value in her husband’s house. Men by nature are turned on by sight and if not getting attention from his wife can easily be distracted by another woman.
This is why fasting must not be used by any woman to deny her husband of his rights. In the night, after prayers, a married woman has the freedom to be intimate with her husband if he demands it else she exposes him to undue temptation from other women.
A wise woman should be able to marry her spiritual responsibilities to her home with her physical duties. It would be an effort in futility if after all her prayers and night vigils, she comes back home to meet another woman in her place.
Even where permission has been given by the man for his wife to precede on her fasting programme, once he changes his mind about letting her be, she should discontinue. This won’t stop God from hearing her prayers since He ordained the first marriage on earth.
Any woman who embarks on a religious programme to the detriment of her home risks losing everything. When a woman denies her husband access to her body, she makes him and her home very vulnerable to a woman on the prowl. A man on heat is beyond reason and would have done it before thinking of the consequences of his act.
A testimony should accompany every religious programme but in a situation where it ends in tears and regrets, wisdom is required. Only a wise woman knows that as second in command in the family set up, her religion is tied to her commander, in-chief’s happiness and the peace of her home.
Dear Agatha,
Is it right for my husband to kick me out of the house because I refused to have sex with him while fasting for the well being of the family? It was only for 21 days. The painful thing is that my pastor blames me for not being wise enough. He said I should have given in to his demands when he wanted to have sex with me.
I don’t know what to do anymore as my husband insists that I should marry my religion.
What should I do?
Dear Agatha,
What normal woman would abandon her home for the church under the guise of fasting, prayers and night vigils? For three weeks now my wife hasn’t been sleeping at home because they have a special programme and vigil in church.
I have tried to reason with her but she is adamant. She even thinks I am behind her problem. I really don’t know what kind of problem she has that would make her take permanent residence in the church. I am seriously considering ending this marriage and looking for another woman who would always be available for me.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is using the excuse of our 21-day fasting programme as excuse for impregnating the house-help. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Readers,
These letters are real and not figment of my imagination. They all point to the emotional and religious struggles in most of our homes when the woman thinks spiritualism and the man emotionalism. When the man thinks his rights as husband are being denied and the woman thinks the man is unreasonable not to know that her action is for the general good of the family.
Vigils and fasting have become the order of the day. Unfortunately an exercise meant to protect the marriage and the people in it from problems is turning out to be a major source of marital conflicts, some serious enough to lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
From the tones of these letters, men and women have different views on the subject of fasting and sex that it is almost impossible for a truce to be brokered; unless of course the matter comes to a head.
Due to the many questions and letters like these about the place of sex and fasting in marriage, I have decided to go into clinic today.
To get a very good understanding of this issue, it is important we get a clear view on the reason for marriage.
Right from the beginning, God made it clear that two shall become one and that what He has brought together, no man should put asunder; that once a man or woman gets married; his or her body automatically becomes the property of his or her partner.
To ensure smooth running of the home, He put the man in charge while the woman’s role is to give support at all times to her husband. Therefore a woman must at all times consider the consequence of her action on her husband or marriage.
Support could be spiritual, physical, emotional as well as financial.
One of the cardinal reasons is for the purpose of procreation. Unlike lesser animals who have the freedom to engage in the act that leads to procreation without restrictions, the human being must go through legal and customary process to enjoy the gift of sex. Unfortunately, men generally still retain this basic animalistic instinct; the one that gets them going by the sight of an attractive female. While a woman has the ability to endure for days, most men cannot do without the company of a woman for more than two days.
This is because sex comes with so much more than the average man can imagine. God being who He is, is aware of the influence and pleasure of sex He is also aware of the consequences of free sex hence the need for a man and woman to first legalise their feelings before having sex.
Although sex is physical, it represents a spiritual covenant between a man and woman because of the fluid passed from one to the other as well as the seed of life that comes from it. In addition, it also satisfies the hunger of flesh in every man or woman not sworn to celibacy.
Therefore, sex represents the lifeline of every marriage. Without good sex, a marriage, no matter how compatible the couple appears, would eventually go down the drain due to emotional pressures.
The potency of sex in marriage can never be overemphasised. For a lot of people, it is what makes or mars a marriage. Sex is the candle that lights up the marriage, the gum that glues as well as the mender that mends the marriage.
For the average man and woman, sex is like a life giving oxygen; it has become a leisure sport for both young and old. Its popularity is such that it has almost become old fashioned for a young lady to marry as a virgin or for a man to remain faithful to his vows.
The permissiveness of the society makes it very easy for the man to hop freely from one woman to the other like a social butterfly in his quest for the excitement sex offers. The woman on the other hand is expected to do everything within her powers not to give her man an excuse to look outside the home. Unfortunately, sex has become so common place that children not yet in their teens are already engaged in it.
It has become the opium that the entire human race is dependent on. Despite attempts to play down on its influence, it has not only continued to dig the graves of most marriages but also at hand to say its requiem mass.
This is why wise married women do everything to ensure, that their men don’t stray, of tempted to find solace in the arms of another woman by being always available when the man comes demanding for his rights.
However, religion and its demands are now conflicting with the limitless access God gave to married couples to have sex on demand.
Increasingly, married men are complaining of neglect by their wives. Chiefly among complains is that women are using religious practices like prayer and fasting to deny them of their rights at home.
On the surface, sex and religion are a strange mix but, when viewed from the point that we are all products of somebody’s sex life and decision, plus the fact that every natural creation around the world evolves from the act of procreation, it then follows that it cannot be separated from religion.
Marriage itself flourishes under the influence of sex. A childless marriage is considered a failure and for a marriage to be considered fruitful, it must produce children.
While a marriage can survive without religion, it cannot survive without sex. Sex was decreed into marriage by God Himself when He instructed Adam and Eve to go into the world and procreate.
Therefore any woman who places fasting and prayers above her role as a wife to her husband, risks losing her value in her husband’s house. Men by nature are turned on by sight and if not getting attention from his wife can easily be distracted by another woman.
This is why fasting must not be used by any woman to deny her husband of his rights. In the night, after prayers, a married woman has the freedom to be intimate with her husband if he demands it else she exposes him to undue temptation from other women.
A wise woman should be able to marry her spiritual responsibilities to her home with her physical duties. It would be an effort in futility if after all her prayers and night vigils, she comes back home to meet another woman in her place.
Even where permission has been given by the man for his wife to precede on her fasting programme, once he changes his mind about letting her be, she should discontinue. This won’t stop God from hearing her prayers since He ordained the first marriage on earth.
Any woman who embarks on a religious programme to the detriment of her home risks losing everything. When a woman denies her husband access to her body, she makes him and her home very vulnerable to a woman on the prowl. A man on heat is beyond reason and would have done it before thinking of the consequences of his act.
A testimony should accompany every religious programme but in a situation where it ends in tears and regrets, wisdom is required. Only a wise woman knows that as second in command in the family set up, her religion is tied to her commander, in-chief’s happiness and the peace of her home.
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