Dear Agatha,
I am one of those women who never liked the idea of having a mother-in-law because of the many stories I have heard and listened to about the havocs they do to their sons’ homes.
But when I met my husband I was too much in love with him to remember my resolve not to marry a man who still had a mother. Besides, he promised never to allow his mother come between us. I believed him and that informed my reason for marrying him.
The first year went quite well until I had my first child. Against my will he brought his mother to stay with us to help with the baby.
It wasn’t long after that she started manifesting her true nature. She began to complain almost about everything in the house from my handling of the baby to my dirty nature. She acted as if the baby was hers. Simply because on one occasion the baby slipped from my hands while I slept from fatigue of feeding her throughout the night, there was nothing she didn’t say to me. She didn’t stop at that but insisted I give her the baby to care for once I get up in the morning. The only time she allows me close to the baby is when it is time for breastfeeding. In addition, she has taken over my kitchen.
Not minding how I feel, she cooks meals without my consent and has practically taken over my home.
When I complained to my husband, he told me that his mother was only trying to be useful to me; that rather than complain I should appreciate the sacrifices she was making leaving her husband to be with me.
My husband thinks I am being paranoid; finding fault where none exists with the mother. According to him, his mother is only trying to make me comfortable by offering to take care of the baby and cook meals for me to give me strength to care for the baby through the night.
He is refusing to believe me that his mother hates me and wants me out of his house else why would she complain about my housekeeping and the many things she accuses me of?
Agatha, how do I get her out of my house without insulting her because I have had enough of her.
Please help me get my home back. Tell me how to get this woman out of my house so that I can have my peace again.
Sumbo.
Dear Sumbo,
Precisely how is this woman making life difficult for you? By caring for you while you recuperate from childbirth? Would you be so opposed by her presence in your kitchen if she were your own mother? Would you complain to your husband if it were your mother taking the baby off you during the daytime to give you the strength to nurse the baby through the night?
Would you feel bad if it were your mother correcting you on how to improve on your housekeeping?
Doubtless, there is no human setting without conflicts but such conflicts can only be resolved amicably when premised on truth and sincerity of purpose.
From all you have said this woman hasn’t done anything wrong but to offer you support in the best way she understands it. If you are not pleased with her methods, the rules of cordial living and essence of marriage demand you tell her with love and respect. Being your husband’s mother, her position in your life is no longer abstract. She has gone beyond a stranger to being your mother, one you just must learn to live with as long as you are married to her son. There is no way you can claim to love her son without showing her love and respect. She is the mother of the man who has given you so much happiness as a woman and grandmother to the child you are fighting her over. She has the same rights your mother has over that child.
What you seem to forget is that you too would be mother-in-law one day to a woman who would also question the motive behind whatever you are doing to assist her with her child. If this woman has anything against you, do you think she would have allowed you to marry her son in the first place or agreed to come to help you with the baby? From your own admission, the child slipped from your hands when you fell asleep from fatigue of not sleeping in the night. What if anything had happened to the child what would have been your excuse? Only a concerned mother would do what she offered to do, take care of the baby throughout the day. Often than not the attitude of most mothers-in-law is that she has nursed her own children, their sons’ wives should nurse theirs. If you must know the truth, she doesn’t have to do that at all. Many mothers-in-law would not offer to take on the tedious task of caring for a neo-natal throughout the day while you sleep and regain your strength. I am sure many young mothers would gladly take your place.
Rather than make life unbearable for her, you should thank her for being there for you. Her actions show she has taken you not just like a daughter-in-law but like her own daughter. Mothers only do what she is doing for you for their own daughters not daughters-in-law.
There are women like my mother who wouldn’t even do more than come for a one-day visit to see the baby. You are indeed a very lucky young lady. Be careful you don’t allow your prejudices destroy the peace in your home else you will end up with more regrets than you can manage in life.
Even if your mother-in-law is doing something you don’t like, rather than complain about her to your husband, you could always go to her and tell her how you want things done without anger. A lot depends on the way issues are approached. If you show her love and have been able to go beyond the in-law prejudices to friendship, telling her how you want certain things done in your home won’t be a problem at all. She too would understand the need for you to individualise your home but if you say nothing to her, or even show appreciation for the selfless sacrifices she is making for you, there is no way she would respond with anger to your attitude or complaints.
A lot of the tension and anger you feel now towards her would change if only you know how to say thank you, as well as take note of her positive points. No matter how old we are, we like to be appreciated. If she were your mother, I am sure you would have been full of praises for her for finding the time to come and stay with you.
One thing you should never forget is the fact that one day you will be in her shoes, mother-in-law to a woman. How would you feel if your son’s wife wishes you dead simply because she has this twisted idea that mothers-in-law are monsters? How would you feel if your daughter-in-law lacks appreciation for the efforts you are putting to make motherhood comfortable for her?
Would you in all honesty blame this woman if she turns hostile to you after the way you have treated her, shown her ingratitude for the efforts she is putting into helping you with the baby?
I think you should be honest enough to check yourself. Do you think this woman deserves your attitude? Isn’t your mother also capable of doing some of the things you are accusing her of doing? Have you ever condemned your mother for who she is?
Life is a cycle of both perfection and imperfection. For our tomorrows to be better, we must learn to give honour to who it is due. Your mother-in-law is an exceptional woman who deserves praises from you and not condemnation. You are the one who has to change. Treat her like your mother if you really love her son and home.
Good luck.
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