I haven’t been able to move forward after 12 years

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Although, I am currently 27 years of age, I feel really helpless to admit that after 12 years my boyfriend and I parted ways; I have been unable to forget him. He is my first love. We were classmates and were always quarrelling. To those around us, our quarrels appeared fundamental but deep inside of us, we knew we were only being silly. I actually got to know the strength of his feelings for me through his friends. Till date, I still cherish the moment I heard how much he loved me. But being from a conservative religious family, I was scared of the consequences if my family got to find out about my relationship with any man so I openly snapped at him and said I don’t love him at all. I was deeply hurt but I pretended not to be. My reaction was the same when he attempted it again. My last day in school, I left without saying goodbye. But, ever since, I have been unable to forget him, can’t think of anybody else other than this man. Even after all these years, his memories still bring butterflies into my stomach. Recently, I managed to find him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted it and wanted us to meet online. Then all of a sudden, he blocked me. It’s really killing me. All these years I have tried to get over him; turned down the interests of others because in him I found a soulmate; each day I get more depressed just thinking about him. All I want to do is to declare my feelings then and now for him. I will accept it if he says to me it is over. But, after all these years, he came back and just shut out me out of his life; this is what is hurting me so much. Please advice me. Bhadra.

Must a woman reach orgasm to be pregnant?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Is it true that a couple must reach orgasm for the woman to get pregnant? I have never experienced orgasm and I am trying to get pregnant. Joyce. Dear Joyce, It isn’t true. Orgasm is only a function of the quality of sex between a couple and plays no role in the ability of reproduction of the woman. Once sperm gets into a virgina, it will always find its way to target once it is the right time of the month. If you are trying to get pregnant and you are not achieving results the first place to go is to see your doctor to examine you for any possible medical condition preventing you from getting pregnant. A number of factors could be responsible for a woman’s inability to get pregnant. In addition, the fault could come from your husband’s sperm quality. The fact that a man is secreting what looks like sperm doesn’t mean he is producing quality sperm that can make a baby. Some men have very poor quality sperm or very low sperm count. This means as a couple you and your man must first clear the medical hurdle; once certified fit to make babies you can both begin to consider other reasons you are not taking in. For instance, you may both be making love on the wrong days of the month, hence the need for you to know more about your body, the high and low days. To get it right, you must know how many days cycles you are. It would help you calculate your safe and unsafe days. The time you are at higher risk of getting pregnant, known as your ovulation days and when you are least likely to get pregnant. Apart from calculating your cycle from the second day of your menses, your body temperature too can forecast your safe and unsafe days. It is a matter of knowing your body intimately, knowing when your body temperature is higher, knowing when you are secreting that slimy fluid and the pap like substance. It is for you to know the information your body is passing to you. When the slimy secretion comes it means you are at your peak of getting pregnant, while the pap like secretion means you are not likely to get pregnant. Read up articles on ovulation, the different kinds of discharges women have and what they are saying about the condition of the woman’s reproductive ability. If you don’t know how to go about it, go to the family planning department in the hospitals. You will be educated on safe and unsafe days. Don’t allow your destiny to be influenced by misinformation that has no basis to real life situation. As long as you aren’t shy to ask questions and from those who know, you will always get the right answers to your challenge. Good luck.

I get easily erected in the presence of girls

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, You are doing a great job educating people on various topics. I just pray God rewards you here on earth. I am a shy boy of 18 years of age and have this problem of unwarranted erection most especially when I am in the company of girls. It happens without me thinking of anything. Most times it tries to embarrass me, I usually find excuses to leave their company immediately. This has been going on for quite sometime now and I really don’t have an explanation for this. Dominic. Dear Dominic, At 18 what you are going through is normal. It shows you are healthy but that you are yet to master the act of self-control. This is important. Unlike the women whose genitals are concealed in her body, that of the man is exposed and easily broadcast the man’s state of mind when in company of women. It isn’t socially healthy for you to go about exhibiting your object of desire each time you are with a woman. When the urges are coming think of something not so palatable, something to help take your mind off the woman in front of you and deflate your balloons from blowing up. The fact that you are having those erections shows that you are thinking of sex. It may not be a conscious thing but deep in your sub-consciousness, you feel like ripping the clothes off her. There must be something that goes on in your mind anytime you are with a woman to bring on that kind of physical response from your body. Your erection is a manifestation of the direction and quality of your thoughts when you are with these girls. By learning to be truthful to yourself, you will be able to fight the challenge more effectively. Good luck.

My daughter is stubborn, unruly

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I want to start by appreciating you. It is always a pleasure to read you. Your serialisation of the marriage issue you treated in November is a collector’s item. I look forward to when you would decide to turn it into a book. I am 55 years of age. My first daughter is married to one of the most gentle men I have ever met. But my daughter is a very stubborn and unruly lady. Right from her younger days, she has always been wayward. There is nothing I haven’t done to make her change but she has remained the way she is. Sometimes, I can’t help thinking she is my nemesis. I had her when I was 19 from my first affair. My mother wanted me to abort the pregnancy but young as I was, I insisted I wanted to keep it. Looking back at the many things she has done to me, I sometimes wish I had listened to my mother. I am not proud to say this but she has done things beyond my comprehension. I have never stopped praying for her. Her other siblings keep their distance from her because of her behaviour. When she brought this man home, as the man she desired to marry, I couldn’t stop thanking God because of the nature of this man. Like every other mother, I called my daughter aside to plead with her not to allow this man out of her life; that God brought him to change her life for the better. I also called the man aside to plead with him to always tolerate his wife and that he must be more than a husband to her. I explained to him that she needed a father figure. Their wedding day was my happiest day. She was so beautiful; I wept for joy. Two years down the road, I don’t know what to do with her anymore. The husband is tired of her. Can you imagine she would leave her baby and go partying with friends, come back home drunk? She has also been linked with several men. I have done my best to shield her from the wrath of her husband but she has persisted. Now she is accusing me of being her problem; that I am the one feeding her husband with false information about her; I am so confused at this. Really I don’t know what to do about her. Since she is always leaving the baby for her husband, he has expressed a desire for me to keep the baby with me since he doesn’t want his family to know what is happening. I don’t want more problems with my daughter by offering to take the baby but if I don’t, she will lose her home because I am aware of the pressures my son-in-law is facing from his family. Please what do I do? Do I damn my child and take the baby off her or distant myself from this whole mess? Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, Refuse to be blackmailed by your daughter. There is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her child. If your taking the child will allow for peace in her home, preserve her marriage and give her husband a reason to always come back home, ignore your daughter. Make the success of her home your priority; by the time she gets to that point every woman gets to know and realises that she needs her home and family more than anything else, she will be grateful for the positive roles you played in the preservation of her home. Because she still considers herself hot and attractive, she will do anything in her power to frustrate you so that she can continue to live her life the way she deems fit. You have to be careful she doesn’t use you as the reason for the collapse of her marriage. This is why you must stand your ground and do what you consider to be right always irrespective of what she thinks of your concern for her. While you continue to arbitrate in her marriage, you must also find ways of talking to her. In a way, your inability to get through to her maybe the reason she is living her life the way she likes. Weaning a child of his or her bad ways takes more than scolding. You have to show her love and understanding by coming down to her level. You need to talk to her as a friend. Having her at 19, may have affected the way you relate with her. Sometimes it isn’t the things we say that end up being the problems in our lives but those things we refuse to say. If you have always acted as if she is a burden, never finding that time to treat her as a special child, there is no way she will ever be an ideal child to you. Somehow, she may have escaped with the notion that you don’t like her being a child of circumstance. Her behaviour is her way of crying out to you to help her by giving her attention. It is time you sat your daughter down for that important mother and daughter talk. Open up to her about her paternity; if she hasn’t met her father, please take the steps. It is important else she will never be the kind of daughter you want her to be. She has to know who her father and family is. She can never have the peace of mind or the kind of respect you deserve as a mother. She needs you as her friend to move beyond this stage of rebellion to other things. Chances are she is also rebelling against her husband because of his closeness to you. Unless you do the unusual, you will lose her forever and in a way destroy her home. It is time to revisit your past; at her age, she will understand whatever you have to say concerning your relationship with her father as well as the decisions you took. It will also help to know that you had a choice to abort her and that your mother actually suggested it to protect you but that you insisted on having her because you loved her from the beginning. The essence of telling this story is to help her realise the kind of sacrifice you made for her even before she was born. Also, explain your closeness to her husband and the reason you appear to always be on his side. Appreciating that your interest doesn’t go beyond that of being a mother, will help her calm down. Furthermore, reconcile your children; although you didn’t say what kinds of things happened between her and her siblings, you must overcome your pains by bringing all of them together. Being the only one of a different father, she needs your love and support to properly integrate into the family. You are the only one that has the authority to bring your children together. And please don’t allow her behaviour stop you from praying for her. Battles of this nature are won on bent knees and not by fighting or getting angry. She may not know it now but, she needs you more than she realises. Call her and her husband for a detailed discussion on the challenges of marriage and how their imperfection can end up being their strength. Also make it clear, you are taking the child for now to enable both of them get their acts together. Good luck.

Who do I settle for among these women?

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been facing a lot of confusion concerning my life. I have been in a relationship with this lady for years now. Before we added a year to our relationship, we had a problem that led me into a messy relationship with another lady. I call it a stupid mess because I am not benefiting from it. Instead, it is draining my pocket, which is making me lose concentration at school and at work. Currently, I am between two ladies and don’t know whom to settle for. The second lady deflowered me. My feeling for the first lady is pure and clean, devoid of sex while my feeling for the second lady is woven around the aroma of sex being my instructor. I always call on her whenever I feel like having sex. Because of this, I don’t know who to give the marching orders out of these two women. Please help me make the right choice. PA. Dear PA, The choice before you is that of what is most important to you in life and subsequently in that woman who would give support to your dreams in life. Sex is what everywoman can give a man. Even if she lacks the kind of experience you find in another woman, if you worth your salt as a man, you can teach the woman in your life how to please you in bed. But peace of mind is only what a few women can give their men. Every couple has the ability to patent its sex in such a way to give pleasure forever. It is just a matter of imagination, honesty and pure sense of adventure. This is however different when it has to do with attitude and character. These are what make sex between couples different from what they have experienced with causal friends. Sex has its own power of communication and the value of this aspect of sex can only be enhanced when the relationship is enveloped in friendship. This is what gives it a different kind of flavour. Therefore, you need more than desire to enjoy sex. What is happening between you and this lady is raw want, especially as you are experiencing sex for the first time. The thrill of a woman’s body is what is influencing you right now and the only power of communication you and this woman have unlike your first relationship where you both have mastered the act of communication that comes from pure friendship. What you should do now is get out for a little while. You need time on your own to revalue your relationship with both women. Revisit the reason for your disagreement with your first girlfriend. What led to it? Why did you jump immediately into another relationship? First take a deep look at your relationship with your first girlfriend. Are there areas you think she is lacking? In what way are you also contributing to the problem? Just like it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to destroy something beautiful. At this crucial point, you need to be very honest with yourself to avoid regrets later in life. Take retrospective look at your relationship with the first lady. In all your months together, how much impact and changes has brought into your life? If you were to live without her, what would you miss most about her? Do you think, deep down, this other woman would be able to give you the kind of happiness she gives you outside sex? By keeping in view your dreams in life and x-raying your relationships with these women, you give yourself the chance of knowing whom to settle for. The woman must have the ability to awaken in you a desire to excel through her unconditional support, patience, loyalty, friendship, respectful, tolerance, prayerful and understanding. Any woman who isn’t patient, lacks the selflessness to make a relationship work, isn’t prepared to tolerate the expected ups and downs would not have the kind of sensitivity needed to propel a man to attain his best in life. A man needs more than a bedmate; he needs a friend to always come home to. One who will always understand that it takes more in life to make a dream come true and is forever on her knees praying for her family to succeed and who has the right kind of respect to cope even when tempers are high. As man, you must look out for that woman who has the ability to cope when you are not around or when things are not going well. She must be a reservoir of strength for those dry days as well as the willingness to give her best to make her man and family happy. Only a woman, who has mother qualities in her, can make things happen for her man and home. But one who strives solely in sex cannot be trusted to withstand those bad times we all experience sometime in our relationships. Therefore, be careful you don’t throw away gold and settle for dust. Do ask God for His guidance in all these. Good luck.

I love her but I am shy to tell her

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady I am so much in love with. But I am afraid of approaching her because she is one of the big babes in our estate. She lives alone in a two bedroom flat and has a good car. She is friendly but I don’t know how she will react to my offer of friendship. She is responsible because for the six months I have become observant of her, I noticed she isn’t the kind that has so many friends, both males and females. Despite what appears to be her good nature, I don’t want to be messed up by her. I am a bachelor with a very good job in a telecommunication company but I am very shy. I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago and since then, I have stayed off women until I started to notice her. Despite not being close to her but from observations, she comes close to my kind of woman. Could you please offer me any helpful hints on how to go about it? Shall be very grateful if you can help me. Lekan. Dear Lekan, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Every step in life is laced with risk, failure and success. And there is no getting to the success part without surmounting the risks involved. It isn’t as if you are planning to flea on her; you also have a good job. So why should she mess you up? It would have been a different ball game if you didn’t have a job. The worst that can happen is to turn down your request. Beyond turning down your request, there is nothing else she can do. As a man, you should be used to women turning you down. It is in the nature of women, especially the young ones to first make a man work hard for their hearts. If she turns you down the first day, don’t give up. Besides, you aren’t going to tell her that you are in love with her on your first day. To do that is to seal the fate of whatever relationship you hope to establish with her. Not every woman loves to be told by a man she is meeting for the first time that he is in love with her. Such men sound hollow and dishonest. No matter how shy you are, complimenting a woman on her looks shouldn’t be too difficult. The tricky part of it for shy men is when they try to over impress a woman. A simple smile to her is enough to establish recognition and begin a kind of friendship. Since you appear to know so much about her, the next time you see her driving out or going out of her compound, position yourself in such a way she will notice your friendly face and even a little wave. She may look through you the first time, pretending not to notice what you are getting at but by the time she sees you the next time, she will reciprocate your smile. Once you gain her attention, stick to general topics for the first few meetings; this will not only make her more relaxed with you but also curious about you. The more she unpeels the layers of mystery surrounding you, chances are she will come to love you the way you have come to appreciate her, as long as you are able to relate as friends, all the other things will fall into place. Good luck.