Too Ashamed To Publicly Proclaim His Love For Me

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend of three years is always nagging me. Although I am three years older than he is, he treats me as if I am his younger sister.

He recently gained admission into the higher institution where I just completed my ordinary diploma programme. While waiting to go for my higher diploma in August, to refresh my brain, I decided to be accompanying him to school every weekend. I also didn’t want to be home alone throughout the weekend.

But recently, he ordered me to stop following him and when I asked him why, he couldn’t come up with an acceptable explanation so insisted on continuing without in his company.

This has caused so much tension and disagreement between us. He has threatened to embarrass me if I insist on accompanying him to school again.

That isn’t all he is also in the habit of using very abusive words on me, whenever I try to correct him. He doesn’t care if we are in public at the time, he would insult me only to apologise when we are alone.

At home we are the perfect couple but when we are in public, it is the exact opposite.

Though he is naturally a nice person but I am of the opinion that something is missing in the relationship. I am convinced he doesn’t want his classmates to know we are dating hence his insistence that I should not follow him to school on weekends again.

It is so confusing because we plan to walk down the aisle. I was instrumental to his gaining admission in the school. I have been trying to change him but he seems not ready for that.

Currently, I am not sure about my feelings for him anymore, and my love for him seems to be declining daily. What should I do? I am so confused.

Worried Lady.

---

Dear Worried Lady,

Frankly, given the way things are between the two of you, your plan to marry may not materialise unless you both sit to discuss your differences as well as change your attitudes.

For instance, you must properly discuss the bothersome issue of your age differences. You must listen to how he feels about dating a woman three years older than him while paying attention to his opinion. It is also important you talk about the ways you both want to be treated because from your letter it is one of the major issues between you.

Apparently, both of you didn’t discuss the issue of your age differences at all and if you did, not sufficiently to erase whatever associated burden comes with it. He, in particular, has to get past the shame of dating an older woman while you have to learn to bury your sense of indignation at the way he addresses you.

There is no way this relationship would work with both of you pulling it at opposite ends. You cannot tolerate his attitude towards you while he too appears to want to be in charge.

Obviously respect is very thin in this relationship. In discussing the terms of your stay together, attention must be paid to your sensitivities. For instance how do you want him to treat you? As his girlfriend or his elder sister? If you want him to treat you as his girlfriend, you must learn to take orders from him, accord him respect as your boyfriend. There is no way he is going to submit or keep tolerating your domineering attitude. You have to learn to respect him irrespective of the fact that you are older than him.

You knew from day one that he is three years younger than you by yet you went into a relationship with him. It therefore behooves you to accord him the respect you would give an older man. You have no right to criticise him in public. If he acted rudely to you, it is because you gave him the opportunity to do so. There is no way a man would tolerate any woman criticising him in public. You had ample chance to effect any correction in the privacy of your home before leaving the house. What do you intend to achieve by pointing out his lapses in public? A wise woman would not say anything if she notices any breach of social etiquette by her husband while in the public. Instead she would keep quiet but take note of it for later reference.

Even at that, good wisdom demands that she applies caution when pointing out these lapses out to him. He may be younger than you but he is a man, your head and the leader of the team, hence demands your respect at all the time.

Don’t make him struggle for what legitimately belongs to him. He would keep fighting you with every weapon he has as the leader of this team even if it entails doing so in public.

On the issue of you going to school with him on weekends, what is the motive? Is it to monitor and keep him under check? Is it that you don’t trust him? There is no way you can stop any man or woman, for that matter, if determined to misbehave from doing so.

You must find a way of getting over the insecurity presented by your age to trust him. We all need certain amount of freedom to be who we are. Sincerely, he doesn’t need you dove-tailing him around. Being new in school, he needs to make new friends and find his own way. He doesn’t need a mother hen for a girlfriend, he needs a woman who understands and as his friend to be by his side.

If he didn’t secure admission into school, won’t you read on your own? Learn to read on your own or with friends who are also interested in going back to school if that is truly what you want.

Though he is expected to accord you your respect, but you must first give him his dues.

Your place as the woman is to be submissive.

What you are experiencing is normal. It happens when things are not going the way we expect. You think you are no longer in love with him because he has refused to fit into the jacket you have made for him. Anger and frustration is making you to change your feelings for him.

To help you appreciate him better, think of what things were like between the two of you when you started. What was it like? You both allowed your differences come between your needs of each other.

Terminate your relationship if after your discussions you feel it isn’t worth it and that you cannot cope with the issues nagging your relationship based on your age differences. This situation calls for absolute honesty. You must love each other sufficiently to be able to overcome the primary issue of age disparity. That is really the crux of the problem between you.

Good luck.

He Loves Me Only As Sex Tool

Dear Agatha,

Thanks a lot for the succour you daily give to many lives. God will bless you bountifully, I pray.

I am a young girl of 20 in a relationship of just six months old. Things have been going on well until three months ago when things changed dramatically between us. From calling me twice a week, he appears not to care if I exist any more.

The only time he remembers me is when he wants to have sex. It is only then he calls me to come over to him. In January he informed me that he wasn't feeling fine so I went over to his house to see him only to discover that he wasn't in. When I called him he told he went for a club meeting and that he was sorry that I didn't meet him at home.

He travelled in February and till now he hasn't deemed it fit to give a call. Something tells me there is another girl in his life.

Please help me. Should I continue with this relationship or quit? I so much love this man but don't know how to confront him over his wild behaviour?

Jenifer.

---

Dear Jenifer,

How much premium do you place on yourself as a woman, especially a young girl of 20 with a whole life ahead of her?

If at this age, you have allowed yourself to be turned into a sex machine by a man who obviously has little or no regard for you, doesn't care about you and isn't interested in you beyond the thrills you give him in the bedroom, I shudder to think of the extend you would go when the clocks start ticking 30. Three out of six months, he has already had his fill of you! It calls to question the quality of your morality.

Ideally, six months into a relationship, he should still be struggling to make you trust him, not the other way round.

You are better off without this man. He isn't worthy of you. Give yourself some self-respect and allow him out of your life.

You really don't need such men in your life at all. It is imperative you focus more on the worth of your life vis-a-vis consolidating your educational drive, building up your dreams along the line of economic fulfillment as a woman as well as giving yourself the time to think of the type of marriage you want and the man who fits into the dream.

Chances are if you continue along the path you have chosen now, you may end up very frustrated later in life because there is more of his type out there. Each of them would come to take what you have to offer. This type of men don't marry girls like you, they just have them for the fun of it and go ahead to marry decent girls when they are ready to settle down.

They also don't have scruples and would always find one reason or the other to come back when on heat. Don't be a dumpsite for any man to off load his desire.

Clean up your act for the sake of posterity so that when he comes back he would meet a different, decent and responsible girl, one who in later years he would regret treating with disdain.

You are still a very fresh flower which men should naturally run after, and that you are the one questing after a man at your age leaves so much to be desired as well as call to question the type of life you want for yourself.

There is nothing anybody can do for you anymore. Your life is squarely in your palms. You have the choice to ruin it now or mend it in such a way, the man who ends up marrying you would be so proud of the woman you are.

Begin by ignoring him. From my experience, I understand all the passion of the youth, the rose-coloured tint life has at your age, the inordinate need to be free from rules and explore the timelessness of the whole wide wall. Trust me, the intoxication of the youth if not managed with wisdom leads to very fatal end. I am sure you don't want to end up being mocked by everybody, including the men who come to find fulfillment in your bosom.

There is nothing as demeaning to a woman's image to be viewed only as a mere object of pleasure. The world respects a woman who can stand on her own, has the determination to face the challenges of life without letting down her virtues.

By the time you are through with refurbishing your age for the better, you will be surprised at the quality of men that would queue at your door for your hands in marriage.

They won't dare to push sex as their main interest in you because by then you would be too valuable an asset to any man.

This is the time for you to plant, when you have the zeal, imagination and clarity of mind to think your best thoughts as well as plan your best investment options. Anyone who fritters away his or her youthful years, especially the 20s might never make it in life. If all that concerns you now were only on a man who cares no hoot about you, when would your own life concern you? When would you have the time to think of your life, of what you want to be in life and the many ways possible you intend getting there?

Your age still provides you with many workable alternatives. As you grow older, the choices get slimmer daily. If in your 20s, you allow yourself to be so disgracefully treated by a man, what would you do by the time you are in your 30s, when the choices of men get very limited? Take an advertorial to beg men to come to accept you into their lives?

If you don't learn how to give respect to your body now, no man would ever give you one. Men respond and treat a woman according to the signals she is transmitting. Granted some men might read for selfish reasons read the signal wrongly but they do get the clearer message from the picture quality the woman presents of herself.

Give yourself time to grow positively spiritually, emotionally and physically before getting into things that are not important.

This is not saying you can't have a boyfriend but learn to be responsible and focused. The only tools you need are a clear vision and determination to do things differently as well as remain faithful to yourself. Once you do this and cap it with a closer relationship with God, your happiness would mount as a young lady.

Good luck.

Dear Agatha,

If not for nothing else, God will bless you for souls that you have saved from earthly destruction through your column! May He use you for greater works than this? Both your secular and spiritual lives shall be blessed and you will be a wonder to our generation.

I am a regular reader of your column. My reason for reading you regularly is to draw from the fountain of knowledge the Lord has deposited in you for these times. I surround myself with virtually similar cases as you often treat. I often consult numerous books on counselling but none seem to fit our local set up. But believe me, your pieces of advice go a long way in sorting out numerous issues I sometimes face which seem to defy solution. May the Lord continue to give you the strength to continue the stronger the better in His Vineyard.

Be blessed.

Anthony.

I Avoid Virgins But My Fiancee Is One

Dear Agatha,

There is an issue I want you to help me with. In my secondary school days, I dated a girl whom I deflowered. Due to the very bitter way we parted and how she felt about the whole incident, I vowed never to go near a virgin again. I didn’t want either the hassle or attendant bitterness that follows especially on the part of the woman should the relationship go sour.

For a long time, I faithfully avoided girls who claim to be virgins but I am now in a big fix as the lady who has stolen my heart and I desperately want to spend the rest of my life with is a virgin.

Agatha, please instruct me on what to do because I can’t afford to lose this girl.

Kelly.

---

Dear Kelly,

Just learn to love her and be sensitive to her needs. The first girl was bitter because naively she thought giving you her special seed automatically would make you hers for life.

Unfortunately being young and restless, her dreams suffered a major setback hence her bitterness towards you. Having built her dreams round both of you marrying when you left school, the rude shock of you leaving her after taking away her pride as a woman influenced whatever reactions she exhibited then.

The first cut is the deepest and every woman’s first experience remains her most memorable. This is why many women feel bitter when the man they agreed to share this memorable moment, passage to womanhood with, disappoints them. Just like the first cut, the pains are indelible and never really go away from the memory.

When a woman gives her first seed in life, her innocence to a man, she does so with trust, love and conviction that the man is special hence special to be accorded such honour.

In turn she expects the man having received her highest and most precious gift to treat her with care, love and friendship; to always place her high and above all others.
When he fails to treat her in accordance with her expectations, she feels hurt, bitter and very resentful. Some diabolically minded women have placed some men under heavy spiritual bondages following such disappointments.

Since you have made up your mind to marry your current girlfriend, you have nothing to fear. Tell her about your first time with a virgin and how that experience scared you into making a vow never to date a virgin for the rest of your life.

Share the irony of fate with her on how the woman you love so much and want to spend the rest of your life with turns out to be a virgin.

Let her share her fantasies with you, how she wants to be handled by her mind. Being a virgin doesn’t mean she lacks ideas of the process of love-making. Listening to her and encouraging her to talk about her ideas would give you a clear understanding of how to please her in that area. Taking in her ideas would help you both translate your feelings into something wonderful that transforms sex into spiritual bond between a man and woman; that elevates it to love-making.

Beyond that however is the greater challenge of helping your relationship grow along the lines of happiness and fulfillment in other areas.

Doubtless, a wonderful love life is priceless but can only remain so if other areas of the relationship are cemented to give it a solid foundation to withstand and repel other contending issues that come up in marriages. For instance, if you both have the wrong attitudes to things, are selfish, don’t care about the needs and sensitivity of the other people, lack understanding of what marriage entails, disrespectful of each other’s positions in the home, are impatient and irresponsible, no matter how wonderful your love life is, there is a slim chance of the marriage working out.

So beyond the worry of how to deflower her nicely, lies the thorny trial of ensuring you both raise the bar of your relationship to a level where issues that destroy promising marriages are no longer able to affect you both.

Therefore in discussing her sexual fantasies, also encourage her to talk about her idea of a good marriage. You must have an idea of how she desires to be treated by her husband in and outside the bedroom as well as her temperament. You in turn must let her know how you feel about women and the running of the home. What roles you expect your wife to play in the marriage. Frequent discussions of issues affecting your lives together would help you both arrive at a compromise that would keep your marriage together in peace and harmony.

Good luck.

My Wife-to-be Can’t Cook

Dear Agatha,

I will be getting married in the next three months by God’s grace but I have a huge challenge with my wife to-be who hates cooking. When she does produce meals they are not edible.

My problem is that I am a good cook so I don’t always allow her go into the kitchen. I find cooking very enjoyable and a favourite past-time.

Now she finds it difficult to cook even when I am not at home. My friends and neighbours think I am a coward and that this issue would cause a major setback to our marriage in the future.

Please tell me if I am wrong as well as how to handle my marriage later in life.

Chido.

---

Dear Chido,

No matter how good you are in the kitchen or how much you enjoy cooking, it is the duty of the woman of the house to cook her husband’s meals.

A time would come, especially when the children come that it would be impossible for you to continue to cook for the family everyday. You can cook occasionally for them as special treats, but cooking for them all the time doesn’t fall under your jurisdiction at all. That is the job of the woman especially one that has the desire to keep her home secured from outside interferences and threats from other women who know how important good food is to the well-being of the man.

The truth is that though you enjoy cooking, a time would come when you would begin to resent her attitude towards the kitchen, when you would be busy trying to meet up with your own obligations to the family you won’t even remember to go to the kitchen to cook. Besides, there is no way you would feel right going to the kitchen to cook for your family members or friends when they come visiting while your wife sits pretty in the living room chatting with them.

Your pride as a man would not be able to withstand such scenario. After a while, even if you don’t mind, your pride and ego as a man would reject it and would begin to question your sanity as well as the injustice of the situation. Once you get to the point of reasoning the propriety of the situation, resentment and anger would set in; sure signs of emergence of huge fundamental problems at home.

Also, seeing the way your friends conduct their homes, how good their wives are in the kitchen would one day instigate a hunger to be cared for by your wife, to enjoy her cooking like every man you know. Then it won’t be such fun to you anymore to cook her meals; rather her attitude would become irritating, annoying and completely out of place.

Both of you should not wait to be resentful, to rebel against the idea of going into the kitchen because by then, your male ego might push you into a situation which though you would eventually regret but would nevertheless venture into out of suppressed anger. The pains of such wait would be too much to pay. You both may not be able to handle it. When issues like that happen in marriage, often than not, love isn’t always able to change the down slide, the bitterness from erupting or the pangs of pains from getting stronger.

Overtime too, your woman would feel lazy when it comes to going into the kitchen. This may not be intentional but the mind and body have a way of getting used to old habits hence find it absolutely difficult to make adjustments.

Therefore, before it becomes obvious to your family who would definitely make a very big deal out of this and use it to create tension in your marriage, this is just the apt time for you and your woman to deal with the issue once and for all.

Sit her down and discuss your job specifications in the home. Let her appreciate the fact that cooking doesn’t fall under your jurisdiction whatsoever; that you are only doing it simply because you enjoy it, which shouldn’t be misinterpreted by her as something you would continue to do after you are both married.

Underscore the need for her to learn as well as develop the interest to execute her nature assigned function. Let her know how much her effort would make you feel and how you cherish good meals, which was the reason you learnt how to cook in the first place.

Offer to teach her after you have listened to whatever reasons she has for not being able to cook. Whatever reasons or fears she may have developed along the line, even if you don’t think them important or valid, still help her get over the fears. Encourage her each time she makes an effort while still gently and lovingly pointing her to whatever deficiency you may have noticed.

Man’s greatest fear is that of rejection. Given her little or not culinary experience, she would naturally fear embarrassment at her effort.

Like a mother tasting the efforts of her child at cooking, set aside your taste of perfection, sense of sharp criticism to lend a hand of unconditional support. Allow yourself to be the guinea pig of her ‘kitchen practical.’ Don’t laugh, munch without flinching whatever is presented. Take as much as you can endure before pointing out her areas of mistake.

Go into the kitchen with her and give her practical lessons. Show her how to do it right. With time she would get the hang of it.

The best thing about this arrangement is she would not only eventually know how to cook as you do but all the meals you like and the way you like them.

Sincerely, you are not helping her by cooking the meals while she does the eating. The dictates of good home management demands you both teach each other things the other doesn’t know while still maintaining the balance of your roles as man and woman.

You can help cook the meals if she is indisposed while she too can help wash the car when you are not feeling up to it. This is the balance you must work to achieve always in your marriage.

Marriage is about discussing your differences with maturity, wisdom and not with anger. Being two different people with diverse upbringing, orientations, temperaments, attitudes and characters, there are bound to be points of tension. This is normal as you both try to find the equilibrium within which to operate.

If both of you are able to handle this matter with all the maturity as well as sincerity it deserves, it won’t cause any major upset.

It is not also about who is right or wrong but how we can make it better and work with minimal pain.

Mutual respect, friendship, trust, loyalty, dedication, tolerance, patience, responsibility, understanding, friendship, care, selflessness as well as complete faith in God are some of the qualities you both need to make a marriage work.

Once you do what you should do at the right time, everything would fall into place.

Good luck.

Hatred For His Family Dims Our Dream Love

Dear Agatha,

I hate my fiancÈ's family and that hatred is hampering our love. What should I do?

Worried Fiancee.

---

Dear Worried FiancÈe,

Hate? I can identify with the word dislike. But to say you hate them? That is a very strong word to describe your feelings towards your would-be in-laws. Do you understand the import of the word hate at all? It means given the opportunity to kill any of them, you would! I am sure killing any of them isn't your intention.

You describe their son as your fiancÈ? Are you serious about marrying into this family? There is no way you can love their son and hate them (his family). You either learn to love them as you love their son or forget about marrying their son because you would eventually force your man to make the choice of choosing between you and his family.

Besides, whatever you hate about his family is also in him. You cannot divorce that thing from the person you claim to love. Your subconscious self is refusing to recognise that thing you hate so much about his family members because you love him.

This is because true love covers a multitude of sins, makes perfect that which is imperfect. Your love for this man has made him very perfect in your opinion. Therefore if you learn to love his family as much as you love him, whatever may be their fault, it would cease to matter to you.

Perfection is what true love brings into the lives of those it visits. You have it within your power to make this visitor permanent or exit your life the way it came. If you insist on loving only your man and hating his family, very soon you would find yourself all alone in the most distant corner of your husband's heart because the choice you will be forcing him to make would be one against his own identity and essence of being.

And when a man is forced to make the choice of his heart and his family, the woman in his life leaves him with very little choice but to follow the people he is familiar with, the people he grew up with, and known all his life.

Don't even make him think about this choice let alone make it because you would be the eventual loser.

Besides, if you love this man you would learn from this early beginning how to love everything about him. Just as your family is an integral part of you so also his family is important to him.

He lives in his family, just as you in yours.

A marriage doesn't strive on the interest of the two people involved only. It goes beyond them and extends to all the others involved.

There is no way your hatred would not affect your relationship because the feeling of love or hatred is powerful and can be felt by the person you have the feelings for. You risk not only destroying your relationship with this man but also creating severe problems for you later in your marriage.

No matter how deep your love for each other is now, a point would always come when you would need the support of someone in his family to kick-start your relationship with your man again.

Besides, having gone through the training of his family, you would always need an insider to give you valuable clues to his person, likes and dislikes.

You will always need help from within to keep him happy and by implication you too as well. You can only be said to enjoy your marriage if your partner is happy.

Besides, how would you feel if this man reciprocates your feelings for his family for yours? Would you be able to endure him loving you and hating your family at the same time? Would you be able to trust the person who claims to love you but finds it possible to hate those who are important to you? How would you feel?

What offence did his family commit to warrant your hatred for them? Look within your family, isn't it also guilty of the same crime? What about you, do you think you are perfect? How many times have you condemned your family for its shortcomings? How would you react if any of your brother's wives display this attitude you are putting up towards your own family?

If you truly love this man you would be able to forgive his family of any sin. Your position in his life is to reconcile him with his family in the event of a major disagreement not distant him from them.

Your position as his fiancÈ goes beyond being an ordinary girlfriend; you are almost his wife, a position that demands your constructive contribution to his life and welfare.

If the differences between you and his family are fundamental, discuss them with him as sincerely and objectively as you can. If he refuses to listen the first time, try again until he appreciates the inherent danger to you both in the future.

There is no way he would at first listen to you because when it comes to the issues of our families, we are all very sensitive. Your differences with them require wisdom to tackle without rocking the boat of your unity and happiness.

Remember, these are people you will have to live with all the rest of your lives hence cannot afford to rub them too hard on the wrong side.

Besides, since you would one day grow up to be an in-law to some persons, care must be taken on the type of seed you plant today because whether you like it or not, the fruit would grow, mature and be ready for harvest. There is no way you would harvest respect, love in place of the disrespect and hatred you are planting now.

It is for days like this you must reconsider whatever your would-be-in-laws have done to you and learns to love them unconditionally.

There is no way you can learn about their good qualities or them yours if you continue in your determination to erect this wall of hatred between you and them. It would always be a barrier, which even your children would find difficult to break down.

It would affect the way they treat your children, respond to them even in situations of rallying family support for them. The world is a very fragile place where anything and everything can happen within a twinkling of an eye. God gave us our families to be our shield, protector as well as support base in times like that.

With plenty of love in your heart you will overcome whatever challenge comes from two different people coming to make a home together.

You don't make enemies of your in-laws and expect to be happy with their child.

Whatever the problem is, once you make up your mind to let go and commit it to God, it will work.

Good luck.

I Doubt His Love Given My Body Odour

Dear Agatha,

Only God Almighty can reward you for investing your time on giving solutions to people's problems.

I once wrote concerning body odour oozing from my armpit. You responded by telling me what to apply and do. I have done all you asked me to do but some people are still complaining of the odour.

Sometimes I am so ashamed of myself, but the strange thing is that my boyfriend seems not to notice that I have a body odour. Really, I have been waiting for him to complain like every one else but he seems to like me very much.

If I didn't know better, it would appear as one under the influence of charm with the way he lusts after me.

Agatha, does it mean he has not noticed this stigma or his desire to sleep with me is the overriding interest? We haven't slept together because I am still a virgin.

It is so confusing because whenever we are together, he is always talking about getting married at-times, he asks if I am praying for him to get money.

We have been together for a year and three months now, and we spend time together. Please I need your advice.

Helpless Girl.

---

Dear Helpless Girl,

If he has dated you for a year and three months and has never mentioned or alluded to the issue of your body odour, it means the condition isn't as bad as you think or as those persons are making it out to be.

It also means his stay with you is unconditional as well as ready to stay with you through thick and thin.

Don't therefore begin to look for issues where none exists. When a man really cares for a woman, he looks beyond certain things and concentrates on who she really is.

He must like your skin in sufficiently not to bother about whether you have an odour or not. Besides, what you consider an odour may not be to him, just a pungent scent, which gives you your identity. Some people regard such thing as sexy.

Don't impute ulterior motives to his interest in you. If sex were want he wanted, he wouldn't be around this long. It doesn't take men so much time and antics to present their interest to a woman they want to sleep with.

Telling you to pray for him and discussing marriage with you without demanding sex from you shows his interest in you is real. What should bother you now is how to consolidate by paying more attention to his person, character, attitude as well as temperament.

You should also begin to consider your feelings for him vis-a-vis spending the rest of your life with him. It is important you know sufficiently well the man you may be spending the rest of your life with.

Begin to look at the substantives in him and not whether he has noticed you have a body odour or not.

Body odour isn't something that can be hidden or tolerated if the situation is really bad. Yours may have developed from a bad hygienic habit which proper body care can effectively take care of.

Chances are that those people who still keep their distance may be reacting to your old ways and not necessarily because you still have odour in your armpit. You know old impressions are very hard to change.

Therefore, relax and continue in your new hygiene.

Good luck.

Before Spiritual Slip Ruin My Life

Dear Agatha,

I am an avid reader of your column in the Daily Independent Newspaper. I have benefited immensely from your responses and timely answers to people's questions.

Mine is baffling and beyond my understanding. I gave my life to Christ in 1988 at the Scripture Union Conference shortly after my secondary school. Later I joined the Deeper Life Bible Church in 1990. I became a staunch worshipper combined with the rigours of their well-known practical Christianity. Before then I had vowed not to have sex before marriage and have asked God instead to remove me than doing that. That was way back in class two when I hadn’t even become born again.

I kept to this despite temptations and challenges of masturbation. I got appointment with a bank and was transferred to the east. I had grown as a Christian enough to taste the powers and gift of the Holy Spirit.

Over time however, my official assignments made it impossible for me to attend weekly services. I could only attend Sunday services. My moral strength got weakened without my notice.

Either in 2004 or 2005 I read a message sent to my box mistakenly sent by a lady in one of the universities in the east. I discovered the mail was not for me, but established a kind of relationship with this lady. Eventually I had sex with her.

The consequences were alarming and almost instant. Two days after we had sex, I got a call that my younger sister who though for some time hadn’t enjoyed the best of health was seriously sick. Agatha, till date, I can’t explain why I failed to respond to the emergency call until she died.

Being a very important member of the family to whom we are all connected, it was the worst kind of experience. The lady asked me to leave my house immediately on the premise that she can’t endure staying in a place where people are crying.

I was very hurt by the statement but I stupidly kept to her because of my emotional breakdown. It was indeed a very trying moment for me.

The next thing was my job. Before I got the letter terminating my appointment, I had a spiritual experience with a strange person who touched the centre of my head. Following that spiritual episode, I misplaced and misappropriated fund belonging to the bank. I lost control over my actions.

I lost my job in the most shameful ways. Few months to this, I had met my Pastor who told me that God wasn’t happy with me and my problems have to do with a lady. He said a lady I jilted.

I eventually got a job, after three years of roaming the streets searching for a job. I am yet to pay off the debts I went into following the bank saga.

I am approaching 38 years of age and have been unable to find an ideal wife to assist me or identify with me considering my background and my humble educational attainment, a Higher National Diploma. My father died when I was just four years of age.

Certain sources have attributed my plight to not having performed traditional burial rites on my late dad. I have always considered those things as not conforming to Christian traditions. But when such comments are coming from seemingly strong Christians, I begin to wonder.

It has not been easy and my salary does not seem to meet pressing obligations. In Lagos now, I am still squatting and not able to get ready to become a man.

Kindly advise me.

Hue.

---

Dear Hue,

Doubtless what you suffer from is a spiritual problem but caused by your own carelessness and insensitivity to the things of God whom you went into a covenant with.

Of your own freewill, you went into a partnership with God. Even when you hadn’t fully given your life to Christ, you swore to remain a celibate until your wedding night. You went as far as asking God to take you away if you go against this covenant with Him.

You were not forced to go on any agreement with Him; you did on your own freewill. You broke this agreement when you had sex with a woman whose history, spiritual relationship you know nothing about.

God, by every standard, is merciful but one who is very jealous and who holds covenant sacred. This is because everything about His relationship with us revolves round covenant. Being a God who works His wonders through promises, He values every promises made to us more than even His name so when we go into freewill agreements with Him, we must have the resolves to keep to them else the protection and peace that go with such promises would begin to work against us instead of in our favour.

Whenever we break our promises with God, we unwittingly empower the devil to have legal grounds to fight against us. We weaken the power of God over us because being completely just, and bound by His words, He painfully looks the other way when devil and his agents come to demand for their pound of flesh arising from our own faults.

This has nothing to do with your inability to give your father the final burial. Rather, it comes from your own severance of your protection chain from God.

If the former were true, you wouldn’t be able to get any job at all or come out of the problem with the bank without going to prison. You survived because of the grace of God, which never really goes away where His anointed are concerned.

His refusal to kill you as you requested when going into that vow with Him shows that He has something in store for you. However, you died spiritually the moment you went against this promises. For you to go back to your former glory and climb to a greater one, you must first seek and restore your spiritual relationship with God.

The moment you dreamt about being attacked by an unidentified person in your dream, you should have gone to your pastor to raise a prayer team for your deliverance and help.

Touching you on the head in your dream was a withdrawal of your spiritual gift and prosperity. For you to make it physically, these must be returned to you spiritually.

First, you have to go back to God for forgiveness and mercy because without first seeking the help and interventions of God, no amount of deliverance will be able to set you free. He has to be involved in your deliverance because only He has the authority to defeat the devil completely.

Reconciling with Him means confessing your sins and re-entering into another covenant with Him. This time, think before going into it. Be sure what you are pledging is something you have the will power to fulfill. Be sure you will not derail again. Remember God has not put any burden on you beyond the general rules that apply to every child of His. So if you are going the extra mile through your own freewill be sure, you have what it takes not to fail because it would always count as a debt against you as well as an avenue for the devil to triumph over you.

From all you have went through, you ought to know by now that it is best not to going into covenants with God than to go into one and fail.

On your own don’t ever allow yourself to be scarce in the presence of God. No matter how demanding your job is, maintain the relationship you have with God at all times because without Him, that job can cease to exist.

Had you maintained your relationship with God, this girl and whatever powers she had wouldn’t have been able to defeat you. This is not saying being a prayerful Christian protects you completely from the trials of the world, but it offers you a shield and stronger platform to overpower and defeat whatever challenges come your way.

Though as children of God, we still have our crosses to carry but are made lighter with His grace and mercy.

As for being 38 and unmarried, don’t worry when the time is right you will find the right woman. All you require to find the right woman is to place your request before God. Being the establisher of the marriage institution and your creator, He knows just the right woman for you, the one who will not only be your wife but your friend and comforter as well.

You failed with the first woman because you didn’t involve God and went about it the wrong way. Having broken the link between you and God, she was sent on the assignment to make your fall complete. She too may not know what happened which is why you should always remain in the presence of God.

There is no way you would make it under the current spiritual yoke you involve yourself. Everything would work right for you once you restore your spiritual relationships with God. This is the promise God has for all His children who love and trust Him unconditionally.

Good luck

Before Her Nasty Office-love Suspends Peace From My Home

Dear Agatha,

Please help me resolve this crisis. I unwittingly got myself involved in with a lady I met in my office. This is my fifth year of marriage. I am bold to say in all those years that I have never been unfaithful to my wife. I hold our marriage precious and scared.

Prettier women than my wife have tempted me, but I just made a vow not to do what I wouldn’t want my wife do to me.

You see Agatha, my wife isn’t your average beautiful woman physically but on the inside, has one of the most beautiful souls. She is every man’s dream woman once you get to know her. To be very frank the beauty inside of her makes her the most beautiful woman on earth. While other couples around and close to us, daily wad through crises, we have such a perfect understanding that when differences occur, we manage them effortlessly without stress.

Till date, my friends and family are all of the opinion that she is the best thing that has happened to me. Deep down I know and have never stopped thanking God for giving me such a priceless gift despite my past life.

We are blessed with two beautiful children who took after her sweet nature. My wife has taught me to manage my vanities and pride. Unlike before when I relied and used my good looks to my advantage, now it seems not to exist at all.

However, this lady who is determined to have me at all cost is threatening this peace. Last year, I gave her lift home when it was raining. It would have been very rude and against social etiquette when I found her waiting by the office gate as I drove out. Incidentally, she lived not too far away from us so it wasn’t such a big deal to drop her. The next day, she came to my office to thank me and to invite me for lunch. I declined but she insisted and since I was hungry I accepted but on the condition that I pay for the lunch.

Unknown to me I was walking into a trap. A week after that, she invited me to her birthday party and every other person in the office would be attending after work, I agreed since it was a Friday. I told my wife about the party to explain why I may come home late.

When it was time to cut the cake, she invited me to help cut her birthday cake. I obliged her not knowing it was also part of her hidden plans.

During Christmas, she sent me some very expensive gifts of a leather belt, boxers and designer perfume. I showed them to my wife who was very uncomfortable about the gifts especially the boxers.

I wasn’t also too comfortable anymore around her because I could tell her interests in me were going beyond the normal. Having played the field extensively before, I don’t need anyone to tell me when I am being pressured by a woman.

I therefore decided to stay away from her but that has turned out to be my undoing as she has taken to calling me at odd hours of the night, sending very suggestive messages to my phone and going as far as giving the impression that she and I have something going. The picture of she and I cutting her birthday cake is conspicuously displayed on her office table as well as another of us at lunch.

On Valentine’s Day, she not only took a shout out for me in one of the radio stations, which incidentally my wife listens to but brought me gifts also. Although I threw them in the dustbin right in front of her, but the damage has been done.

My home is no longer peaceful. For the first time, my wife doubts me, more so as the picture of me helping her to cut her cake was also sent to my wife.

My wife is particularly angry that I didn’t tell her about the pictures as well as the identity of my night caller until she pressured me into telling her due to my moods after such calls.

I don’t know how to handle this anymore. The last time I tried to reprimand her, when she came into my office, she threatened to remove the flimsy top she wore underneath her suit and tell everyone that cares to listen that she and I were making love in the office.

My job is a well-paying one and I don’t want to lose it on account of this woman. Because of my past reputation with women, I am scared that if she carries out her threat, nobody would believe I didn’t start it. Only my close friends who are in the know would know the truth.

Because of this, she has kept on harassing me. Some of my friends have gone to her to plead she leaves me alone but she insists until I oblige her request to spend the night at her place she would not.

I don’t know how to disentangle myself from something that doesn’t even exist between the two of us.

Please help me before I lose my sanity, home and job.

Bode.

---

Dear Bode,

If nothing happened, there is nothing to fear. This is a temptation you must stand up to fight with all the seriousness and strength you have.

The most important thing is the trust and support of your wife. She is angry and suspicious on account of you not giving her the bit-by-bit information concerning this lady. Yes, you were deceived into taking the pictures with her but you should have told your wife all about it the moment you realised her game plan. You should have immediately taken a copy of the picture to your wife before she did. With such women, you should have known from your experience that the motive was blackmail and that it won’t end with her displaying the picture on her office table but that the picture would be used to forcefully coax you into doing her bidding.

Had you told her everything including preparing her mind for any possibility that might arise from your innocent association with this girl, she would have been able to trust you implicitly.

Even though you didn’t have any relationship with this girl, you acted like one who is guilty of really having a relationship. The secret answering of her calls didn’t help your case at all. Taking those calls outside the presence of your wife makes the whole scenario very suspicious.

Had you taken all the calls in the presence of your wife, you would have taken the sail off the winds of her blackmail drive. If your wife doesn’t seem to trust you anymore, it is only because you gave room for her to doubt you. In her shoes what would think if she suddenly begins to answer secret calls, deliberately tells you half-truths? There was no need to protect her from something that didn’t happen at all. To the point that she knew about the girl, her gifts and her birthday, you should have given her all the other details of what transpired.

It would have been better if she didn’t know anything about this girl in the first place than knowing a part of it only to be confronted with the vivid details of the other half. For instance, if you had told her about the picture, hearing about her request to you on the radio as well as seeing those pictures wouldn’t have bothered her at all. She would have been able to trust you enough to tell whosoever brought the pictures to throw them into the dustbin.

You should have given her a chance to respond to those calls herself. Being a woman, she would have known how to deal effectively with the other woman. She would have warned her to keep off her man as well as making it clear how ready she was to protect her territory.

The other lady sensed your reluctance to involve your wife hence took advantage of it to nail you.

The best thing you can do now is to beg your wife to forgive you as well as enlist her help in securing your peace from this woman. It is obvious this isn’t one of those women who have scruples, who respect the sanctity of marriage. This one is vicious, selfish and dangerous. She is prepared to lose her reputation, job if need be to get you or drag you into the mud if you refuse to play her game.

Sincerely, you don’t stand any chance with a woman like that because she has made up her mind to face whatever consequences come from her obsession to have you. Reporting her to the boss would not do the trick because with a woman like this there is no telling what length she can go. If you are strong enough to resist her charms, your boss may not and no management would tolerate the attendant embarrassment that comes from office romance gone sour.

This is a battle for your wife, for the woman who has higher stakes. If she reports her to your boss, he would listen. If she tells your boss that her home, her husband’s life is under threat by a female staff who is obsessed with him, who has taken to calling him despite knowing he is married at odd hours of the night, he would be forced to act to prevent your wife from turning the office into a boxing ring. If your wife claims knowledge of those photographs, tell the story of why you gave her a lift to her house, how the photographs thing happened, the expensive gifts she sent your husband at Christmas, those he threw away at Valentine as well as all the other details including the one of stripping in the office to give the impression to the management that they were making love in the office should he try to report her harassment to the authority, the boss would believe you and be forced to take actions against her to protect the image of the company.

The law is on the side of your wife, the sympathy is hers to use to her advantage hence has all the weapons to put this lady in her place effectively. The next time she calls you, pass the phone on to your wife. She has the right kind of words to send fears into her, fears that would make her think twice before issuing threats to you.

But she would only agree to help you get out of the mess if you tell her all the truths you may have kept away from her. It would be most embarrassing if after agreeing to help, she discovers new things she didn’t know happened.

You also have to promise her complete transparency from now on.

Don’t worry, since your hands are clean, you will overcome. Your marriage will emerge stronger from this episode with the help and grace of God.

Good luck.

At 15, My Daughter Threatens Suicide To Have Second Abortion

Dear Agatha,

My daughter is just 15 years old. Recently she got pregnant and out of fear for her future, the reputation of the family as well as my well being as a mother, my husband and I terminated the pregnancy.

This was not before we scolded and punished her for the mess she got herself and all of us into by implication.

We were lucky the abortion was successful although not without some incidents which should have taught her a lesson.

She didn’t take the JSS 3 examinations along with her colleagues. She had to wait before going back to school. Now my fears are all over again.

Since terminating her pregnancy, she has gone very wild. She goes and comes, as she likes, sometimes taking off to God knows where for days. The father expects me to be stricter with her but what can I do? Beat her or send her out of the house?

Now my worst nightmare has happened again. Recently, I noticed her vomiting and on close examinations, discovered she is pregnant again. Like the previous one, father unknown.

The father thinks I am irresponsible, and went to the ridiculous length of attributing her behaviour to my side of the family. The tension in my home is deep.

Now I am at a crossroad. I don’t know if I should allow her keep this child or help her again terminate the pregnancy. She has threatened to take her life if I don’t allow her terminate the pregnancy having pleaded with me to forgive her.

She is my only daughter. I don’t her to end up becoming useless in life. How is she going to cope with the damage of having a child without a father? How do I handle my husband who is blaming me and has the opinion that my insistence we aborted the pregnancy the last time gave her the impetus to get pregnant again?

Concerned Mother.

---

Dear Concerned Mother,

You are really to blame for this current situation your daughter has found herself. While you may not be blamed for the first incident, this one is certainly yours blame to carry.

No matter what, you shouldn’t have encouraged an abortion of the first pregnancy. Keeping the baby would have helped her become more responsible as well as focused. That she got a light sentence the first time gave her the encouragement to go further, to continue with her wayward lifestyle.

Your husband is blaming you because being your only daughter, you may have over-indulged her to the extent of giving her too much freedom to do, as she likes. Hence why would she just disappear from the house for days and appear without you enforcing some rigid discipline? It is not only by beating a child you enforce discipline, besides your daughter has gone beyond that.

With a child like this, use what she likes the most to bend her. She likes freedom. It is either you give her no freedom at all or you give her all the freedom to wreck her life. The latter option takes some determination and ruthlessness to accomplish. Sending her back to the streets would make her realise after a while that there is nothing in the street but hard life and damage. Chances are the men she is dating are not responsible for her fully. They are the ‘touch and go’ type of boys who are themselves dependent on their parents hence would not encourage her to stay permanently.

By the time she goes round them and is rejected at every point by the men or boys; the lesson of moderation and discipline would have been learnt. For some young girls, it takes the real and vivid street life suffering to make them come to their full senses.

Your husband’s anger appears to you as not making any effort whatsoever to make her change. That she is your only daughter shouldn’t make you indulge her or accept everything she does.

This time around, insist she keeps the baby as well as get a job to sustain herself and the baby. Even if you are going to help her out eventually, let her start with the impression that the days of tea-parties are over and that having frittered away the previous chance you gave her to make something out of her life, this time around she would face the music all alone.

Call her bluff at her blackmail to kill herself. Tell her, the life she wants to take isn’t useful to you as it is now since she has destroyed it and that it won’t hurt you if she takes it after giving your grandchild. She is just telling you that to blackmail you into doing her will. Don’t give in to her blackmail else you would be making more terrible mistake than you have done before.

If you hadn’t done the abortion for her, she wouldn’t have had the boldness to get pregnant again. The burden and shame of having a child as well as seeing her friends going forward in their lives would have made her change from her wayward ways.

Because you have always pampered her will, done everything to make her happy irrespective of your own discomfort, your new position would not more than words, tell her how disappointed you are at her conduct and how much she has hurt you. It would shock her into thinking about her life as well as the future of the child and hers in addition.

It is the only way you can help her change from her ways.

You must be prepared to give her the lesson you failed to give her before now, be a supportive but firm mother to her. That you are firm and strict doesn’t make you less of a good mother; discipline done in love is beautiful and wonderful.

Your husband is angry that you failed in your department as a mother to entrench the right discipline and moral values into your daughter.

Granted, good parenting isn’t always a function of doing the right thing but also that of luck as well as the grace of God. But our duties as parents are to give our children the right foundation to be useful to us as well as themselves.

Helping her to procure that abortion is akin to giving her the support to continue to be wayward, which is not a function of a good parent, especially a mother.

You owe your daughter the right values. Divorce all your sentiments and do your job of parenting this child properly. This child needs you to be focused if she is to go back on the right track.

She needs your prayers as well as your positive support to become the child that would make you very proud.

Good luck.

I Hate My Brother For Visiting Altar Without Me!

Dear Agatha,

My brother recently got married without informing us about the marriage, besides my father.

Since after the wedding he has been beeping me but I refuse to respond. Now what do I do if he eventually decides to call me.

Orzo.

---

Dear Orzo,

Take his call and tell him exactly how you feel about his decision to exclude you from his wedding arrangements. Even if he has his reasons for not going public with such information, still let him know that you consider it improper and something of an embarrassment to be left out of his wedding plans.

Having said that, give him the opportunity to explain his reasons. You may not agree with his explanation but for the sake of family peace don’t doubt his logic. There are indeed some situations that demand absolute secrecy in some matters. He could have been warned in the church to keep things really low not because of you but other family interests and politics that might come to play or derail his plans.

He may have informed your father out of a necessity so it doesn’t look as if he completely ignored all his family members.

The onus is now on you through your actions to make this relationship work between you two. That he did what he did shows that within the family a lot of things are wrong and since your father is still very much alive, you should impress it on him to bring about genuine reconciliation between all his children such that when issues like this come up, the whole family would find it possible to queue effortlessly behind their own happily.

Your father should have been able to bring about this reconciliation before now particularly as some of his children were not informed about the wedding of one of his children. Irrespective of whatever reasons your brother may have given, your father should have called all of you the moment he knew the information was out and no longer a secret to mediate on the issue.

Waiting to mop up things after the wedding if not carefully handled may still leave some of you feeling alienated from this wedding.

To show you don’t have anything against him or his wife, go the extra mile by visiting them with your present.

While there, let him know that whatever may have informed his decision not to inform some arms of the family doesn’t concern you as much as ensuring the family remains one.

Whatever you say there must be final such that it buries all your misgiving as well as your anger. Forgiveness when complete and wholesome gives way to perfect peace and future happiness.

If you understand that decision not to invite you didn’t come from nothing, must have come from years of mutual suspicions, disloyalty, damaging family politics, fetish practices, you would understand the essence of making such that past history within the family is resolved to protect all of you from this type of embarrassment again.

Family disagreements are common but must be managed in such a way as not to expose the weakness of the family to external gossips or interventions like this one between you and your brother.

Pray for the wisdom of God to manage this.

Good luck.

Can Single Lady Pass Night With Her Boyfriend?

Dear Agatha,

Is it advisable for a single lady to pass the night in her boyfriend’s house to please him?

Confused Lady.

---

Dear Confused Lady,

It isn’t advisable for a single lady to spend the night in her boyfriend’s house to please him. This is because until you are both married, there is no guarantee that you both would end as one. The losses to the woman after investing her body, emotion as well as reputation to a stillbirth relationship are too numerous to mention.

A man has nothing to lose in the long run whereas a woman loses her everything. Her value in the opinion of others, especially men who may be interested in taking her for a wife dips by the time it is known that she spends nights in the house of her former boyfriend.

The assumption is always negative for the woman as she is regarded not having moral training or values.

Even though this assumption is often not right, but the thought of a single girl having the liberty to leave her parents’ house for her boyfriend’s house in the night is still regarded down here as not morally acceptable.

In other cultures, it may not be so much of a big deal but ours is a society still largely governed by deep moral codes that make it absolutely improper for a single lady to spend the night in her boyfriend’s house.

Ultimately, it boils down to a couple’s value. If the man feels that spending the night is the only way a woman can prove her love, it means a lot of things are wrong with the relationship.

Building of a relationship goes beyond the physical to more fundamental as well as spiritual qualities. A couple may have all the technical know-how when it comes to lovemaking but lack the essential ingredients in other areas. These issues are too important to be solved by a couple spending the night together or not.

Rather than waste energy on this issue, it is advisable you and your boyfriend concentrate on your compatibilities as individuals as a couple. The logic of spending the night together would be defeated if at the end of the day every other piece is defective and the relationship has to be terminated.

How many men can you afford to spend the night with before you find your own man? What makes one man desire to spend the night with you would also make another man demand your presence by his side through the night.

Relationship is a two-way traffic. It doesn’t work successfully with just one person made to make all the sacrifices. Both parties must invest their interests, concern and responsibilities to make it work well. He should be concerned about your reputation if he really cares about you.

It isn’t only when you agree to spend the night in his place, you would please him. You please him by being faithful to him, respectful, caring, understanding, trustful, prayerful as well as giving him your loyalty.

These are more viable and beneficial ways of telling your man you love him not by spending the nights with him.

Good luck.

Family Divided Over My Choice Of Wife

Dear Agatha,

I thank you so much for your pieces of advice that have been solving problems of so many people. I gained a lot from reading your column before I travelled out of the country, I now log on to the internet to continue reading your column.

I know you can solve my problem too. I am 37 years of age and I have a girl I have been dating for three years. We concluded to settle down late last year. Our families were happy at our decision to finally tie the nuptial knot.

Being a naturally shy person, she doesn’t know much about love and relationship but this isn’t a problem since I am very willing to help her because I love her so much. Besides, she has all qualities I need from a woman including her spiritual life.

I explained everything about her to my mother, but last month, my sister phoned telling me she had found me another woman. I was surprised by this and promptly, I told her wasn’t interested in another woman. She insisted I speak with the other lady. I also declined this request and we went into hot exchange of words.

I expected my mother to be on my side but to my surprise, my mother too was in support of my sister’s move.

Ignoring my feelings and stand on the matter, my sister went ahead to give the lady my phone number as well as my e-mail address. Not only did she send her pictures to my mailbox, but she has been calling me since then.

Inasmuch as I don’t want to be rude to my mother and sister on account of the sacrifices they had made for me, I think choosing a wife for me is really taking liberties too far. I don’t know what my sister has discussed with the girl’s parents because the pressure to change my mind over the issue is too much.

My father and my uncle are on my side but my mother and sister are a huge problem.

Agatha, I need your help because they are delaying my desire to formally perform the introduction ceremony as I desire to come home and get married. I have spent time on my girl, growing to love her. She is also very much in love with me. I cannot break her heart.

Prince.

---

Dear Prince,

At 37, you definitely know what is right for you. And since you and this girl have found the right rhythm to your hearts and the music of your lives, don’t let go.

Irrespective of whatever may have informed the decision of your mother and sister to source for another woman for you, listen to the voice of your heart because you are the one who has to stay with the choice you make today. Your mother and sister are living with the choices they made hence you should be left to make your own choice, else your marriage may not be able to withstand the attendant problems that may come with two different people staying together.

The truth is, there is no way you can make your mother or your sister understand that whatever may be the shortcomings of your girl-friend. Maybe, your mind is fixed on marrying her and not the complete stranger they want you to spend the rest of your life with without coming back home.

This matter is too serious to be resolved through phoning. Besides, it would be such a cowardly thing on your part not to be physically present in making your opinion known to them.

Return home to begin the process of marrying her. It would resolve a lot of things especially for your girl at the centre of it all who understandably would be going through personal emotional turmoil. She needs you now more than she has ever needed you. She needs you to be present by her side so that she doesn’t make the mistake most people under this cloud of emotional uncertainty make. Don’t forget she cannot understand the reason for all these challenges, why your once supportive mother and sister have turned against her or what you told them to bring on this change.

Mind you, your mother and sister may not only stop at acting their rejection of her, but turn certain information you gave them to their advantage. Telling your mother her ignorance of what it entails to keep a relationship going could be interpreted by her that she would not make you a good wife.

Out of mischief, your mother could score a political point. Tell your woman your own version of what you told her. She because of the love, respect and trust she has in you may decide to ignore this but to a large extent would be affected by what is happening.

Coming back to be by her side and to fend off the support the other lady has, would give her and her family the confidence to go on. That your uncle and father are on your side isn’t enough. Being the central figure at the centre of this whole thing, you need to make your stance known to the other girl and her family. Seeing and hearing you decline to have anything to do with whatever arrangement your mother and sister came up with would make this woman and her family know the futility of continuing to wait for you.

It would also enable you listen to the reasons for your mother and sister’s stance on the matter as well as the opportunity of attending to their fears while soliciting for their support in helping you achieve your happiness with the lady after your heart.

There is no way your mother would be able to remain indifferent to your pleas for support if she sees you physically. Every mother is always supporting the interest of her child. Once you understand that despite your disagreement with her behaviour, she has your interest at heart, your problem is almost solved. Her reason is motivated by her quest for you to be happy.

You just have to lovingly explain to her that your happiness is with the choice you have made and that without her by your side, chances of you being happy in life are very slim.

Once you are able to win your mother’s support, your sister would have no choice but drop her ambition for you to marry the other girl.

If however, they refuse to listen, with the support of your father and uncle, begin your marriage rites with this lady. They would eventually come to accept her as your wife.

Importantly, trust God with your plans by praying and soliciting for His assistance in your quest to be happy.

Good luck.

I Lose My Temper Easily

Dear Agatha,

I would soon be getting married but unfortunately, little things easily get me angry.

Please help me as my attitude is frustrating my husband-to-be. I think I am the domineering type but I do what I do unintentionally.

Agatha, please help me find a solution to my problem before I lose the only man I truly love.

Mosun.

---

Dear Mosun,

Before going into the marriage it is imperative you understand the dynamism and the principles concerning the institution to avoid regrets later in life.

There is no way you can conduct a happy and proper marriage if you don’t first appraise your behaviour vis-a-vis what is acceptable, expected and applies in the context of two people coming together to make a home.

It is also in your interest to understand the different positions and duties of the man and woman. To help you understand this best, go back into your Bible and read the roles God assigned to the genders at creation.

From the beginning, He made man the head, no apologies or explanation, full stop! God gave man the headship and authority over the woman hence she is expected at all times to show him respect and consideration deserving of his position in the home. Whatever the situation may be between a man and woman, her duty is to give the man she has agreed to spend the rest of her life with every support to succeed. It doesn’t matter who is bringing in the most money or has the brightest prospect, what matters is what God demands, giving the head the encouragement to discharge his responsibilities to his family and by implication to the society.

Support doesn’t necessary come in the form of money alone. The man must have the right atmosphere in the house to be man in his home.

When a woman constantly drags the image of her husband through the mud simply because she has a temper she cannot control, she exposes her man to the ridicule and insults of others around. A man is judged by those around him through the way his wife packages and presents him to the public. If she is constantly being rude and shouting at him without care, even when they are alone, it would reflect on how others treat him.

There is no way a man who is constantly being harassed by his wife would be considered for any important position because the thinking is usually that, if a man is unable to control his wife at home, he cannot be trusted to effect discipline outside his home. Even where he has the ability to do so, the mockery that follows such orders by those who are aware of the despicable way his wife treats him at home would compromises him at every point.

Your role as the woman is to be a shield for you man; think for him, encourage and ensure he has emotional, physical and spiritual support to overcome his limitations, fears as well as challenges.

So, if you want your man to succeed, you must begin from now to let go of those attitudes of yours that would make him less than a man in the opinion of your would be neighbours and friends.

You must leave your temper and ill manners in your father’s house. Such behaviours have no place in the contest of a happy marriage. If you have dominated everybody around you before now, you must learn how to give the reigns of leadership to someone else. If you have until now gotten away with that foul temper of yours, you must for your own sake begin the process of debriefing yourself as well as getting yourself acquitted with acceptable conducts within marriage.

This is not saying you relinquish the right to be angry when the need arises, but that there are laid down rules of displaying anger within a relationship and marriage in particular. Simply because you have a domineering spirit doesn’t give you the right to insult people or display your temper at will. It shows rudeness as well as someone incapable of managing herself.

Life is about mutual respect. For this man of yours to accord you the respect deserving of your position as his special woman, you must first show him that you are worthy of such special considerations through your own manner.

If you must get angry, do so when you are in the privacy of your room and even that doesn’t give you the liberty to use unprintable words or be uncultured in your approach. Good conduct is a function of one’s upbringing. Therefore, it goes beyond you and this man but telling the world too that your parents, particularly your mother did a good job of entrenching in you the right moral codes.

When a woman leaves her family for her husband’s family, she becomes an ambassador of her family in her new environment. Everybody, particularly in the first few years are on the look out for the quality of training her parents gave her. Her parents are scored on their performance by the attitudes she puts up in her new family. If yours is to insult your husband, display unnecessary temper at the slight opportunity and in the process become rude to everyone around, drag the image of the man through the mud, then you are telling the world that your parents brought you up to be insensitive. That they also indulged you in the way of rudeness to constituted authority.

For this reason you must do everything to change your manner. Besides there are people in your family who are patiently waiting for you to fail in your marriage as a result of past insults and pains your attitude has inflicted on them. The rules in a man’s house are vastly different from those in parents’ homes.

Husbands don’t indulge their wives; they only indulge their daughters. The rule of man and woman relationship is the reverse. The woman pampers and indulges her man as a tool of ensuring she sustains his interest in her and the home.

As a woman you must be careful about how you handle your man to avoid driving him away from you and into the hands of another woman, who gives him the peace he lacks at home.

Being your man, he deserves respect at all times so no matter how provoked you are, learn to control your temper.

One of the attributes of a good and respectful woman is to show her man consideration at all times.

This is also essential because the children pick up their understanding and whatever tools they would need in their own marriage from home.

The best way to help yourself is by learning to keep quiet or walking away when you are feeling all tensed up and ready to explode.

For the simple reason that you are accustomed to your own ways, it would be difficult for you in the beginning not to react. But once you are determined and have it at the back of your mind to change, it would eventually be easy for you.

Furthermore, learn to react less violently with your friends, family members because change doesn’t come easily. For it to work, it has to be a wholesome process of willingness and determination.

In particular, you must be prayerful because old habits are like an addiction. Plenty of grace and help are usually needed in the process of changing from bad to good. So, pray to God for help and guidance to change and make your marriage work.

Good luck.

Man Next House Wants Me To Replace His Runaway-wife

Dear Agatha,

There is this man asking for my hand in marriage. He has four children from his wife who ran away with the children when he lost his job. For two years he has been alone.

To be honest, I am very surprised at his request for my hand in marriage.

The major set back is that he lives very close to my house. I am so confused by all these. Please tell me what to do.

Grace.

---

Dear Grace,

This calls for extreme caution. There is more to this story of his wife leaving him simply on account of him losing his job.

If the wife were materialistic, lacks understanding of the situation, she would not have left with all the four children. A woman unwilling to bear difficult times with a man would not burden herself with caring for four growing children. The task she has elected to do, solely caring for four children, is huge hence care must be taken in condemning such a woman.

Something other than the story of what the man told you happened to have made the woman leave her husband with her children.

You, therefore, must be careful and apply wisdom to this issue to avoid making the greatest mistake of your life.

Ask him questions regarding what actually transpired between him and his wife. Chances are that he might have maltreated her while he was working to have made her taken such extreme measures.

Make him understand that your acceptance of his proposal is dependent on him telling you the whole truth as to what actually happened in his first marriage. Assure him that you would not base your decision on his past but for the future you both plan to have together to be happy, he has to trust you with all the details of the past just as you would also tell him everything concerning your past.

Let him understand it is the only way he can earn your trust and respect forever. Besides, it is the only way you can really defend him and you against insinuations by people around who may want to use the opportunity of your happiness together foment trouble either now or in the future.

You must also be interested in knowing what efforts he made at reconciling with his family, especially his children, who are innocent victims of whatever problems he had with his wife. Between the times they left and now, what has been his level of contribution to their welfare as well as upkeep? Even if he claims their mother has been uncooperative with him, has he bothered to channel such welfare packages through her close associates to ensure the children don’t suffer needlessly? A man’s worth is the level of interest and response he shows in the affair of his family whether he lives with them or not.

This is because you would one day have children who would have to deal without whatever decision or indecisions you encourage him to take against these children whose father your children would be sharing. If you refuse to stand on the side of fairness today, you would find yourself all alone tomorrow with your children fighting a battle of resentfulness and bitterness as well as carrying the blame of an issue you didn’t know the beginning.

The battle would be particularly bitter for you if any of those children turn out to be one of the foremost in the society. There is the probability of him siding them against you, of accusing you of being the reason he abandoned them. It is for days like this you must insist on doing the right thing by refusing to take side with him against the interest of the children.

He remains the only father the children would ever have so not to show interest in them on account of whatever disagreement exists between him and their mother would amount to gross irresponsibility. Providing them with money if he doesn’t have isn’t the only way he can demonstrate his concern and care. Sometimes emotional support can make a huge difference between comfort and love, life and death. When he unselfishly give of his time to the children, he gives them the opportunity of knowing him, making up their minds about him outside whatever their mother may or may not have said. It would amount to sheer irresponsibility on his part to ignore those children completely to their mother whether she took them with or without his permission.

There is also the issue of him properly tiding up his past with this woman if he has made up his mind to move forward. He must do the necessary things in addition to making it very clear how much he intends to be providing the children with every month, visiting arrangements as well as the issue of paying their school fees.

These are responsibilities you must encourage him to execute faithfully if you intend enjoying your marriage to him. Also he has to make the effort of properly ending his marriage. There is no way he can be talking about marrying you when his former marriage still subsists. He has to end one properly before going into another one.

But importantly, you have to be sure that he is ending that marriage for the right reasons. This is because whatever may have caused him to end the first marriage may come up in your own and the chances of him still behaving the way he did is always there. If possible, investigate on your own from neighbours, his family members as well as his friends all the issues involved. Granted there would be element of loyalty to him but some few people would tell the truth. This is also to help you judge correctly what you are getting yourself into.

You also have to be sure that overtime whatever he feels for you is sufficient to scale whatever hurdles life may throw at both of you. If he is a quitter, you both may not be able to end the journey together due to pressures within the marriage.

This is because marriage is a journey into the unknown, plenty of uncertainties and more often than not of misguided promises. It takes more than declaration of love, of promises to make it work. From what happened to him and his former wife, you must know by now that marriage isn’t a bed of roses. It takes guts, forgiveness, determination, tolerance, respect, sacrifices, selflessness, loyalty as well as prayers to make the differences. You may both start out with all the right reasons and good intentions but end up being frustrated due to the attitude of either of you.

Deep down you must have certain assurances within you that you have all it takes to endure hardship and disappointment with him. You have to answer this important question within you, if you find yourself going through the same things the other woman went through would you stay on or quit like she did?

Do you think you have the type of relationship and friendship to overcome real challenges? Do you think you know him enough to entrust him with your future as well as those of your unborn children?

In addition to him settling with his former wife and children, you must make time out to know the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. What knowledge of his character do you know? Do you think you can vouch for him in times of doubtful circumstances?

Before saying yes, insist on a time of courtship. That he is desperate to marry doesn’t mean you must be too. The attendant risks of jumping before you leap would be too dangerous for you to jump into.

Use the time of courtship to know him, gauge your temperaments, your outlook as well as endurance levels. It is important you know that the picture he has presented you is not very far from the real image of him to avoid waking up with a stranger the morning after your wedding. I assure you that would be the beginning of a greater problem of you not knowing who the stranger by your side is let alone how to manage him.

The problem in a marriage is not in the attendant challenges that confront it on a daily basis but of not having an idea of who the stranger by one’s side is. You can go into a marriage with all the determination to succeed, to make it work at all cost but only if the right support is coming from one’s partner. If you and this man have a common focus, goal as well as hunger to make it work, there is no challenge your combined efforts would not consume effortlessly.

Therefore you must be certain that you are both on the right path to make this work because yours come with more than the average share of problems. Having four stepchildren with an unhappy mother on the side isn’t going to be a tea party at all.

You need to pray, get clear signals from God as well as develop a self-will that can withstand the fiercest of heats to survive this marriage. You have to be more than the average woman to be able to take everything this marriage throws at you without feeling bad or defeated in the process.

Good luck