Sunday, June 21, 2009

My Parents Say He’s Outcast, Kick Against Our Relationship


Dear Agatha,

I’m a lady of 24 years of age, currently doing the compulsory National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme. I am in a relationship with a man whom I cherish and who loves me too. We are happy beings.

But my parents are determined to end this happiness. According to my parents, his family is an outcast, hence they want me to discontinue the relationship.

After making inquiries from people and meeting men of God, I was told the issue of anyone being an outcast is obsolete. As a matter of fact, his family members have all being true Christians for quite sometime now. I was therefore assured that nothing would happen to me should I follow the dictate of my heart.

Despite my explanations and citing of different instances of people who have married into such families, my parents remained adamant.

As it stands now, they are taking the issue of my insistence as a sign of disrespect and disobedience to them.

I want to do it in a way that everybody in my family will attend my wedding and be happy.

But since things are not turning out this way, I don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can give up my love and relationship with this boy without a concrete reason.

Confused Girl.


Dear Confused Girl,

Even if your parents accept him wholeheartedly, there is no way everybody in your family or in your life can all be happy at your choice of a husband. Some out of jealousy will always kick against it and some on the premise of mischief will come up with several reasons why they think your happiness isn’t with the man of your choice.
So perish the thought of trying to make everyone happy; it is an impossible task. Not even God has succeeded in making mankind smile at the marvelous works He does in our collective lives everyday. There will always be complaints from people.

This is a matter of you knowing what you want the most in life. Our current lives have advanced beyond the issue of certain people being outcast and some being free born. God never created us to be different in terms of social acceptance and co-existence therefore nobody has the right to take away people’s freedom or happiness based on some ancient customs that are barbaric or malicious.

Whatever made them outcast by your native system died long ago hence wrong for any person or group of person to alienate this boy or members of his family from being happy.

If there were global outrage against the apartheid system in South Africa on account of infringement on the rights of blacks in that country, what justification then does anybody have in Nigeria to segregate against anybody on account of ancient customs whose origin itself is enmeshed in the politics of some people’s quest to perpetually remain superior to others?

It is an unfair reason to deny you and the love of your life happiness. And if your parents are Christians they should know that before God, all men, whether rulers or servants are equal. That though we may come with different skin pigmentation, His love and reasons for creating all of us is same. And that whatever they profess, is made nonsense of their refusal to imbibe the teachings of their creed, which gives absolute freedom to all mankind.

If reasons refuse to prevail, you may have to take your own destiny into your hands by following the rhythm of your heart because at the end of the day, it is your happiness that is the main course. No matter how much you seek to make everybody happy at your choice of a man, if you aren’t happy, the smiles of others at your decision will not count.

Your happiness has to be full watt, its brightness 100 per cent, in order to shine through the storms of two different individuals coming together for life. Marriage is a challenging journey. You need the love, respect, friendship, support and understanding of each other to accomplish with minimal discomforts. Without you starting out with the person you love and respect, the journey would not only be difficult but absolutely stormy. Is that the kind of marriage you want, one where you and your man will never agree on any matter, one where you are always afraid to come home to and glad when either of you has an official assignment that entails sleeping outside the home?

Your parents cannot love you more than you love yourself. Yes, they brought you into the world, but cannot create your happiness for you.

Granted, you owe them explanation for your decisions but the final decision rests with you since you are of age. This is not to say, you shouldn’t try to convince them further or look properly into the character of this man you plan to spend the rest of your life with.

This is particularly important given the stiff opposition against your union. Until later in future when the current opposition against your union would have been watered down by time, you are clearly on your own in terms of family support. Hence, you must be sure that the man you are marrying is worth the risk of turning your back against the protective love of your family to avoid the double tragedy of being left by both your husband and family in the dark.

You must also properly scrutinise your feelings for this man. How much of a friend are you to him? How much of your friend is he to you too? Are you able to laugh at each and with each other? Do you have the type of friendship that can withstand and support difficult times?

When a couple is very much into each other, it makes the whole business of managing challenges within the relationship easier. This is one thing you must objectively look out for in your relationship as you contemplate your final decision on this relationship.

If there is something extra special, your positive conviction is irreplaceable in this relationship, don’t be afraid to pitch your tent here because you may never get it right even if you have the most handsome man for a husband.

A time comes in a person’s life when you either make the choice to be happy on your terms or make the choice to be unhappy while pleasing the majority. You are at that vital junction in your life when you to make the choice to be happy forever or make your parents happy at your own expense.

Whatever your decision is going to be, please, first seek the face of God who knows and sees the end from the beginning. Leave him only if God says so not because some ancient customs classify him as being a substandard human being. Nothing in creation, places one man above the other, not even those born with physical deformity hence presumptuous for anybody to arrogate to him or herself the power of classification of God’s perfect work. Not even being one’s parents gives such right.

Good luck.