Re: Where Are These Men Hiding?

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My Father Checkmates My Heart Desire

Dear Agatha,

I want to thank you for the good work you have been doing helping people to find solutions to their problems. May God bless you.

I am 24 years of age and an Ordinary National Diploma holder and currently doing a part-time programme.

I have been in a long relationship with this man who he and his family have been nice to my family and me.

However he suffers slight deformity on his leg but can work without the aid of a stick. Irrespective of this, I still love him and will want him to be my husband.

My major challenge now has to do with the position of my father who has vowed never to accept my boyfriend as his son-in-law for reasons best known to him.

When he was coming for last Christmas, he bought me clothes and other items including the handset I am using now. Sincerely, I am bothered about my father’s position and since I didn’t know what to do, I told him the relationship would not work and for now we are just friends.

But I didn’t tell him my decision was based on my father’s position. He cried when I told him of my decision not to continue with the relationship prompting him to reveal that his friends had warned him that I would not marry him, but he refused to listen to them then. He was evidently very angry and stopped talking to me. I later discovered he was admitted at the hospital for two weeks as a result of me rejecting him.

I had thought he would never talk to me again until he began once again to call me about three months ago. When I asked why he changed his mind about calling me, he told me he could not do without me and that watching the burial video of his mother reminded him vividly of the role I played and that looking back he is very certain someone may be responsible for my new attitude towards him.

There is also another man who happens to be the branch manager of the company I work for asking for my hand in marriage. I really don’t know much about him or any of his family members but he appears to be somebody who cares for me.

Honestly I am really confused and don’t know what to do. Should I tell my first boyfriend that my father is behind my attitude towards him? Should I ignore my father and go ahead with this relationship? How do I face his family members after what I did? Or do you think I should I continue with the second one?

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

It is rare for a father to kick against the child’s choice of a partner. Precisely what is the reason for his objection to your choice? He must have a reason. You should either tell your mother to ask him this or make him to tell you himself.

To elicit response from your father, don’t make it as a quarrel. Parents react with anger and absolute show of authority when children openly oppose their wish. By giving your father the impression that you are not likely to oppose his wish, he would feel obliged to tell you why he thinks this man isn’t good enough for you.

You must know why he is objecting to enable you know what to look out for in your man. In most cases, sentiments like the one your father is expressing often than not help in pointing one that some salient points in the character of the other person which being in love has blindfolded the vision from seeing.

You may not agree with your father at the end of the day, but you have a lot to gain by hearing him out since no knowledge is lost.

Remember, your father doesn’t know this man as much as you do, neither does he feel what you feel for him, so you must understand that whatever he is saying is based on what he feels. Your job as the one at the centre of it is to offer his explanation based on what you know of your man.

Honestly, you were wrong not to have tried to find out why your father insists on you leaving him as well as not telling your boyfriend about your father’s position.

Telling him would have helped him understand you more as well as provided him the opportunity of going to your father to straighten things out. It would have been easier for your father to tell him why he thinks he isn’t good enough for you.

But be that as it may, now that he has come back, sit him down and tell him the whole truth concerning your father’s position and how he influenced you to terminate the relationship. At least he deserves to know the truth as well as clear you of the false impression his family may have of you based on what their son may have told them.

This would take care of your fears of how the family would receive you back should you decide to go back to him.

Frankly, nobody can make the decision for you, not your father or me. It is your choice to make. But in making the decision, it will be in your interest to do a proper critique of your feelings for this man as well as the new one. In the first place, how well do you love him? Is your love for him unconditional or induced by the things he gives you and your family? Another question you must answer with much honesty as you can muster is the fact of his physical challenge. How comfortable are you with it? Is that the reason your father isn’t comfortable with him marrying his daughter? You may not think it is an issue to you but for you to have mentioned it shows that it is a salient one that is bothering you quietly.

By examining how you really feel about this man would inform you whether to go back to him or begin something with the new man who you must also gauge your feelings for to know if he is real or not.

Good luck.