I Love My Children But Hate My Wife

Dear Agatha,

I am the father of two children and a husband for 12 years. I love my son and daughter dearly, but my relationship with my wife has been suffering for years. In fact, it has evolved into more of a business relationship than a marriage. In the last year, I started an affair with a woman with whom I have discovered what real love is. She is everything my wife isn't and never will be. We love each other deeply and can't stand to be apart. I want to leave my wife and spend the rest of my life with this other woman. My only hesitation is my children - I don't want to hurt them. What should I do?

ThankGod.

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Dear ThankGod,

What is so fundamental about your marriage that you both cannot in the interest of your children and peace talk it over? If you have been together for 12 years, it means with just a little effort, the issues that seem so formidable can be resolved.

Having led different lives before coming together to set up a home, it is only expected that you would both get to a point of acute differences; a point where the only option appears to be going your different ways. There is hardly any marriage alive today that hasn’t gone through the arid region experience. It is a tough journey; one that sees the parties concerned trading blames as well and full of regrets at the choice they made.

During the journey, the grass appears greener at the other side, especially if there is someone on the grass carrying luscious and tempting roses. If care is not taken and wisdom not applied, the enticing perfume from the roses is enough to make the weak one in the desert give up in defeat and run for the roses.

Believe me, marriages don’t get to the happy ever after part unless the couple invests so much more than they imagined to drag into the free movement mode. You may see the other woman as your succour, your hope, the ideal partner due to the problems you are having now. If you care to look deeper, is she really a solution? Remember just like now, you once thought your woman and mother of your children held all the hopes to your dreams; your ideal soul mate and the only one capable of making you smile.

The same disappointments that have made her so unbearable will come with this other relationship. This is because there is no human relationship that is perfect. We are all products of imperfections hence our ways will always be paved with flawed decisions and actions.

There is no doubting the fact that a lot of hot as well as extremely cold water has gone under the bridge but would it be completely fair to heap the entire blame of your relationship on your wife? That you are engaged in an extramarital affair speaks volumes of your own contributions to the problems.

Yes, sometimes extramarital affairs are not instigated by one’s own need to have fun but as a result of finding the peace that eludes one at home. But it doesn’t remove from the fact that more often than not it brings about more complications.

Your desire to pack up your marriage gets its motivations from your relationship with this other woman. Because she is new, she is dazzling you with qualities you have forgotten your wife has, she is giving you the peace you think may never happen again in your marriage; presenting you with the picture of perfection your wife once presented you with when you first met her, but which has been eclipsed by your various pains and disappointments in the incidents happening in your marriage. That is not forgetting your joint frustrations at not being able to resolve the issues your way.

Would you also throw in the towel when you and this woman get to the point you have gotten to with your wife? Many men and women who have gone through multiple marriages didn’t intend it that way. Had many of them exercised a little bit of patience and tolerance, their stories would have been different and happier.

No matter the justification now, a time of regret would come; a time you had wished you exercised a little bit of patience. That is when you would come face to face with reality and know that in those roses are threatening thorns capable of leaving deeper and more painful marks; when you, in retrospect, come to appreciate the unique qualities your wife has, which no other woman has. Even the devil has a quality, which he doesn’t even know he has; that of edging us closer to God and appreciating how wonderful He is.

Having this relationship is not a panacea. In addition to giving you two sets of children; the rivalry of two mothers for your children isn’t a tea party because often the children inherit the bitterness of their mothers against each other leaving the man at the centre helpless as well as drained in his attempts to bring his children together.

There is no contesting the fact that we women can be a handful but men with wisdom have been known to tame the worst of women. A little bit of understanding is all that is required to manage the temperament of a woman.

Even in instances where the woman has strayed into the arms of another man, some men who have the maturity as well as the determination to make their marriages work, have found ways around such issues without breaking up their homes.

Deep down why do you think this woman is advertising her best qualities? She most likely knows you are having problems at home and that the only way she can get you to be with her is to avoid all the things you are complaining about your wife. Don’t get me wrong she maybe naturally good but when a woman has an agenda to accomplish, she is always several steps ahead of her prey.

What efforts did you put in place to stop your marriage from nose-diving? As the head of the home, what are your own contributions to the problems? Can you score yourself as being a reasonable and responsible man? Do you respect her wishes; consider her as an equal partner in the home? Are you sensitive to her moods as well as her needs? As a husband, do you have time for her and how well do you carry her along in terms of your own challenges as a man? Do you, like so many couples, assume your partner should know what is happening without being told? What has she always complained about in your behaviour? Do you compliment her on her looks or any effort at getting you to notice her?

The lack of any of these is a sure sign that there is problems within. Before you can brand her a problem, it is imperative you know the type of husband you are to her. If your solution to the problem in the house is to have an affair and fall in love with another woman, then she cannot be totally responsible for the damage to the marriage. This is against the background that you are spending time, resources and emotions that should have been channelled into making the marriage work on another person. So, she is bound to complain as well as react in a way you may not like or see as a problem to the marriage.

She can only stop complaining and acting her role as your loving wife if she is convinced of your loyalty and commitment to the marriage. There is no way she would have the motivation to do anything for you if she knows that there is someone else in not only your life but your heart.

In her shoes, what sort of commitment would you give when she has another man in her life? Your marriage has turned to a business arrangement due to the refusal of the two of you to come to terms with your different personalities as well as work out ways to tap the advantages buried in your differences.

The best way out for both of you now is to bury your pride, your disappointments, as well as your pains and make the necessary sacrifices towards the survival of your marriage.

For the sake of your children whose love and friendship you would always crave for later in life, sit your wife down for a last minute attempt at saving your marriage. Be honest with her; tell her all about your disappointments, your decisions to end the marriage and your new attempt to find ways of saving it.

Allowing her to see how much you have gone in your plans would help her put things in proper perspective. No woman likes to be termed a failure when it comes to her marital life.

No matter how heavy the problem is now, if you are both determined to resolve them, sincere in your options as well as loyal to your vows, the problems would become very weightless. You need prayers to make it work.

God that brought you both together didn’t make a mistake so if anything is deemed wrong; go back to Him in prayer and total submission to His will. We run into problems in life when we try to depend on our wisdom and abilities instead of His. This moment would definitely pass once you give God the reigns of leadership in your lives as well as home. Don’t be afraid to ask each other for forgiveness where a wrong has been done. It is the only way to move forward in life.

Good luck.

Guys Throw Me Off After Tugging My Skirt

Dear Agatha,

I would say I have been so unfortunate in my relationships. I have fallen in love severally with different men, who despite my various attempts to please them, still abandon me for another girl. I don’t know what to do any more or where the fault is coming from. As a matter of fact, I don’t understand what the problems seem to be. Please tell me what to do.

Tina.

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Dear Tina,

Several reasons are responsible for failed relationships, and in your case, the actual problem may not be unconnected with your values.

Many young women find themselves in unworkable relationships as well as difficult emotional situations due to their own faults.

Many women assume they know what men want hence acting on their own scripts execute their agenda without first asking the man what he wants and thinks.

You say these men still leave you for other girls despite everything you do to please them? Have you ever wondered if what you do to please them is really pleasing to them? Or simply present you as a desperate and cheap girl?

Contrary to what many contemporary young ladies think, men still cherish women who are conservative who allow the men take charge. Men naturally like taking the initiative after all, they are the ones whose lives, names as well as homes the women are coming to take offer hence reserve the right to make their choice.

Yes, being natural hunters, men would always take what a woman has on offer but when it comes to the choice of who shares their space for life, most men want to be the one who has the final say, and not the woman. This is the reason most men after dating and having free sex with one particular woman look for another woman to marry.

Although men are forever demanding for sex from their dates, when it comes to the issue of marriage, men put so many other things into consideration; for them, good or free sex isn’t a good reason to marry any woman.

So, if sex is one of the ways you claim to be putting in your best into a relationship, you would continue to suffer disappointment, because any woman can offer a man good sex but not all women have the qualities men are looking for in a woman they wish to marry.

Look at yourself, beyond sex, what can you offer a man that would make him close his eyes to even the best of sex from another woman? What can you say of your values as a woman? Do you know how to encourage a man to his optimum best? Do you have the wisdom and understanding required to navigate him out of a temper or bad situation without losing your own temper as well? Do you have the patience to deal with all his shortcomings without raising dust? How do you manage his home? His needs? How do you care for him? Are you his friend? Do you clean after him? Do you even pray for him? How much of a home maker are you? What is your relationship between you and his friends? What quality of your time do you give him? You could have quantity time without giving him quality? As his friend and partner, what can he say about you? Do you respect him? Are you responsible? Can he trust you to be loyal to him in whatever situation you both find yourselves in?

All these are things sex cannot do for you. A man wants a woman whom he can depend on at all times not the one he who can only give him good sex without the concomitant values. Relationship is a wholesome process; it requires so much to make it beautiful. In a relationship where all the other ingredients are of the right measure, teaching each other in areas of deficiency to attain success becomes a very simple task. For instance, a couple that has all the other ingredients right can teach each other to make first class love if that is their area of weakness.

Chances are that you are putting the cart before the horse. Slow down; take another look at yourself as well as your attitude concerning these men. What do you think you are doing wrong? What runs through all your relationship? What reasons do these men give for dumping you for another woman? Do you think they are being fair to you? This calls for absolute honesty on your part. Don’t be ashamed to tell yourself the truth, admit your mistakes to yourself. Once you have the maturity to accept your faults, finding a way out of your current situation would become easy.

In your critique of yourself, don’t leave out your manners. Sometimes, unworkable relationships have nothing to do with moral values but have a lot to do with personal hygiene and our quality of mannerism. If you are the type who doesn’t care about what you have under your clothes or other personal hygiene, you could find it very difficult to keep a man. Men celebrate women who are neat, tidy and know how to package themselves nicely, at all times.

And in some instances, you may be making the wrong choice of men, tailoring your preferences along the line of your friends’ dream men. You must have your own dreams to know what man fits best into your vision. Simply because tall and handsome men work for your friends doesn’t make them suitable for you. Your ideal man could come in form of a short man: what is important is for him to make you happy. But if you don’t know what you want, chances of you recognising the man who has most of the qualities you need in life is nil. Nothing comes from nothing and what you don’t have, you cannot give. You must also develop yourself to be able to make a man want you sufficiently for keeps.

Your cue is to look at the women who are displacing you in the lives of these men. What are they like? What advantages do they have over you? What do all these men have in common? Do they all look alike in terms of physical attributes? What are you conditions for dating a man? Are the physical qualities or the inward ones? A person could be pleasant to look at but ugly to live with.

There is no happiness without some forms of sacrifices. Your sacrifice comes from knowing what you want from life and staying focused on them. Once you know and are happy with the choices you have made as a woman, it becomes very easy to recognise your kind of man in a crowd of millions of men irrespective of his looks or status. Happiness is not what is on the outside; rather it is what a person has in the inside.

As a single lady, your concern should be getting the right kind of man who has the enduring qualities to make you stay happy. Only the right kind of man would appreciate the efforts you put into making the relationship work. No matter how much you try to make a wrong relationship work, it remains doomed because it was contracted on the wrong values.

As a young woman, one thing you must never trade with is your body. Any man who wants a woman for keeps would never make sex a condition for him to stay faithful in the relationship or for the relationship to exist.

Go into a relationship only after you have found out your faults and are determined to ensure you don’t go back to the mistakes. Don’t worry if you notice a decline in the number of men that come to you; it is only for a while. Once other men who before now thought they stood no chance with you discover the new you, they would come with the right intentions of staying and making you happy.

Good luck.

Tell Me What To Do To Retain His Love Forever

Dear Agatha,

Thank God for what He is using you to do in the lives of the youths. I am a girl of 22 years of age who is in love. My boyfriend first wooed me with tears in his eyes.

What surprises me now is his attitude. He changed last year from the man who desperately needs me in his life to a man who doesn’t care. His calls have become very rare. About a week ago, I called him only for his call to be answered by a female voice who told me that my boyfriend has left instruction that he doesn’t want me again and never to call his number again.

Although he called me later to apologise and to claim that he was merely putting our love to test. He promised never to break my heart again following his conviction that my love for him is real.

Please, Agatha, tell me what to do. I really love him so much.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl

If you are convinced that you still love him and that what he told you is true, go back to him but not before giving him a piece of what you think about his methods of assessing your love.

He has to learn to trust in your love as well as your person. Giving his phone to another woman to answer on his behalf as well as staying away from you was rather childish.

The more matured thing would have been for him to discuss his fears as well as anxieties with you rather than staying away. It could have cost him his relationship with you going by the provocative things the other lady said to you.

He must understand that a relationship without trust isn’t worth its salt.

Let him know that whenever he feels the need to put things straight between the two of you, he should be bold enough to tell you. Had you two being married, would he have left home without telling you where he was going to all in the name of testing your feelings for him?

However since you believe his story and sure he loves you as much as you appear to love him, forgive him and move on. One thing is for sure, there is no relationship without it fair share of set backs as well as period of pains. What is of essence is the way the couple involved is able to overcome challenges with minimal or no damage to their relationship.

Good luck.

His Love Is Too Erratic For My Liking

Dear Agatha,

I have read so many of your advices to people, and I think you are the best person that can save me from making a grievous mistake.

There is this guy I met in 2003 at the University of Calabar, when I went to visit my elder sister who was then a student there. We got talking and one thing led to the other we became friends, but we were not intimate. I was then in my final year in one of the polytechnics. We somehow lost contact.

One day in August 2005, a foreign number called my line and when I answered it, the caller turned out to be him. There and then, he announced his desires to marry me. He said he lost my phone number while he was in Nigeria and that he got it back from my sister's friend.

He apologised for not informing before travelling out of the country. He requested I visited his parents in Lagos. He gave me their address and when I visited them, I ended up spending two weeks because they refused to let me go.

It was obvious that they wanted me in the family because they all treated me with love and respect.

By September of that same year, he asked his people to come and see my own parents, they came for the formal introduction and promised they will come back anytime their son asked them to, he kept writing me and calling me on phone. From his attitude, it was obvious he wanted me and I him. His mother also took to calling almost on daily basis.

On February 14, the following year, he called while I was having my bath. My friend answered the call. When I came out of the bathroom, she told me about the call and when I scrolled through my phone, I discovered he was the one who had called. When I called him back, he was very angry and warned never to call him again. With that he cut off the line. When I asked my friend what had transpired between them; she said nothing and went on to advice me not to bother him again since he has asked for that.

I ignored her and went to a cybercaf close to my house. I wrote him series of email but he didn't reply any. I called his parents they said they will get back to me after talking with him, a week later his mother called me to say I should just pray that everything will be alright, the next thing he did was to change his line. I asked for the new line from the younger sister she said, he told her not to give me the new line. I tried all I could to reach him so that he would at least tell me what transpired between him and my roommate to no avail, some friends then asked me to give him time, so I stopped calling and he never called or wrote me email as he used to.

On November 15, last year, I was in my alumnus meeting when a strange number called my line. I picked it up only to discover he was the one on the other side of the phone. He immediately started pleading for forgiveness as well as requesting his desire for us to continue from where we stopped, that he is ready to make it up to me, he asked me to see him. I refused, he has been to my house severally, but till now, he has not told me what my roommate told him. These days he calls morning, afternoon and night, insisting he wants to marry me, that he can't marry any other woman except me. But I refused to return his visits or calls. What should I do? Please I need your urgent advice, because I don't think I love him any more.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

Are you sure about not loving him anymore? If you are so sure about that, why this letter and why address yourself as a confused lady?

Understandably, you are hurt at his treatment as well as the attendant humiliation of having to cancel all the wedding plans without at least the decency of telling you your offence. Doubtless, it was very cruel not knowing why he condemned you as well as his refusal to even give you a fair chance to explain whatever your offence was.

Even though he displayed little trust for you or your integrity, your so called flat mate must have told him something nasty about you to explain why you weren't with your phone when he called. Whatever she told him definitely had nothing to do with the fact that you went to take your bath. She must have told him something nasty enough to make a man who is jealous or who doesn't have the opportunity of knowing you well enough think you were up to some sort of funny games.

All arguments could be advanced against what he did, but the truth is, you both don't know each other well enough. Before he travelled out of the country, your interactions were tailored to fit into your busy schedules. He was away in his school while you were also miles away in your own school. Your friendship was mostly conducted on the phone and whenever you both saw, care was taken to ensure you both were at your best.

You didn't even know when he travelled out. And when he called, you both were planning a marriage without looking first at your suitability as a couple. It takes more than the feeling of love to set the wheel of marriage on motion. There are lots of ingredients that must be put in place for the marriage recipe to be complete and palatable.

If he knew a little bit about you, he wouldn't have jumped to immediate conclusions irrespective of whatever your roommate told him. It basically shows there is no trust and your relationship has a long way to go before it can be ready for the challenges of marriage.

Whatever happened may simply be God's way of ensuring both of you acquire the vital experience as well as wisdom to make your marriage work. Flowing from what happened a lesson must have been learnt by him, that of not being hasty in jumping into conclusions. There is no way he would want to make the same mistake twice if he is lucky to get over this mess. For him to have come back to you means, he really do care about you and that despite what he thinks, he desires you for keeps.

Also, that he was able, on his own, to discover his folly shows too that he must have done some deep thinking along the line.

Before you totally condemn him, in his shoes, what conclusion would you too come to if his roommate fib a damaging tale about him? How much do you know of him even now to make you disbelieve a close associate of his? How would you react today, if someone he lives with calls you aside to say he is married with children in his base? Be truthful, what would be your first reaction?

Given that you know next to nothing about him, your first reaction is to accept what the person told you as the gospel truth. And if you were the type of person who is naturally doubtful about people, it would take a miracle to make you change your mind.

Whatever your friend must have told him, must have sounded so convincing and the truth especially if he doesn't have that kind of experience before and if you had always blabbed about the friend to him.

At any rate, she must have been a good friend for both of you to be sharing a flat or room. Because you both share the same space, she is assumed by everybody to be the best authority on your lifestyles and habits.

Coming back to you must have taken some guts, given the way he treated you back then. It wouldn't cost you anything to see him and listen to what he has to say. God may have deliberately planned this moment to give both of you the chance to grow your relationship properly. Nothing happens without a reason. And do you think you would have been able to withstand the shame if this had happened after your marriage? That the misunderstanding happened before is God's way of providing both of you with a positive agenda to pursue in the process of bonding.

That his mother didn't join issues with him is commendable. She must have known that one day the mystery of what transpired between him and your friend would clear sufficiently for him to realise his mistakes. Only cowards and the foolish refuse to look at past mistakes. We get better in experience if we occasionally look at our past mistakes. He has done that to have come back to you. Do the same by going to him, and allow him to explain what happened. Listen to what he has to say and not to the bitterness in your heart. Yes, he disappointed you but haven't you also hurt someone before? The greatest tragedy would be for you to wonder in later years if you had done the right thing by refusing to listen to him. If at the end of the day, you are still convinced that you no longer love him, there is nothing stopping you from telling him so. He definitely cannot stop you from doing as you please but it is in your interest you give him a chance to talk things over.

Good luck.

My Mom's Messy Past...My Marriage On Line

Dear Agatha,

This year, I would be 32 years old.I grew up with a single parent, my father and I love each other passionately because he was the one that I grew up with.I never had that feeling of motherly love.I just knew there was a mother somewhere, who hardly come to see me even though her family members come once in a while.I appreciate those visits.

Even on visits to her family home, I never for once met my mother whom I was told lived somewhere in Bauchi State with her new family.However, we later met when I was in primary six and by then she had left her husband, the she marry after parted way with dad.

For reasons best known to her, she is always annoyed seeing me around her.Overtime, her parents persuaded her to get her own apartment so that she can live with her children since marriage is not working for her.

After only a few months, she wasn't coming home again, forcing us to relocate to our grandmother's.Following her attitude, her parents invited her to come for us.She came in company of another man pregnant.When she refused to take us along with her, her mother pounced on her and gave her beating of her life despite being pregnant.

When my father came and heard all that happened, he pleaded I stayed with my grandparents' to finish my JSS 1 before coming over to stay with him in his new base in Lagos.

After four years in Lagos, my father was transferred again to Ibadan.I was in SS1, so he handed me to his elder sister who had always been more of a mother to me.My mother was also informed by my father about his transfer as well as the arrangement he had in place for me.

I dropped out in my third year at the university due to lack of cash.I couldn't afford anything as my father fell to bad times.He was duped when he set up his own company.His condition really got to me, hence my lack of concentration as well as focus in school.I felt so bad because in the whole world he was the only one who cared about me.There was really nobody to run to.

Eventually I was able to get a good job that came with my own apartment.Being so young and all alone, my colleague close to my apartment were close to me, especially her mother.They wanted to know everything about me and my family, in case anything happen to me.

This woman eventually reconciled my mother and me.My mother introduced me to her new church, Mountain of Fire and Miracles Ministries.Overtime, I was able to forgive her and would often join her in prayers when she was having problems in her marriage.

Few months after our reconciliation, her mother died and I later brought the girl from her second man to live with me.I enrolled her in one of the best computer schools in Lagos Island and she later got married and now lives in Europe with her family.

One day I had a call from my mother that she and the husband were having serious problems and she was asked to leave the house.I tried to persuade her to stay on or go to the place of her husband's sister, which is closer to her than where I was.She got angry and asked if I was coming or not.Sensing pains in her voice, I drove to her house to a scene that was terrible.

I had no choice but to go with her since her husband refused to listen.Since she had nowhere to go, I was forced to take both her and the children home with me.The eldest one had to stay with his father while three other younger ones would stay with my mother.It wasn't convenient for me at all.

I had to rush to my fiancé's place to tell him about the development.Though he had been to Benin severally to visit my dad, he hadn't met my mother yet.Hence he was happy at the opportunity of meeting her.

With the support of my fiancé, my mother got a job while my fiancé provided the money to rent her a two bedroom flat.I also gave her money to settle down.

But to my greatest dismay, my mother has been going around friends and her family painting my man and black for an offence I am still trying to fathom.The situation got so bad that friends began to ask me why I was being so mean to my mother.Even my sister, who lives abroad called to ask why I failed to provide furnished flat for our mother.

A lot has happened but the most perplexing ones are the revelations by her pastor brother that my father wasn't really my father and that I have an evil mark that has made my marriage of six years childless.

Due to the harassment of hired assassins, which left my husband almost dead we had to relocate abroad.There are revelations that my mother is behind all my woes.Even my husband is beginning to show resentment for my person.We have been to many pastors all around the world for help, but they are all unanimous.They harp on us holding on to our faith as the only panacea out of the spiritual problems we found ourselves.My mother has been reported to have sworn that I would never be able to give birth to a child in my life.

My marital life is now devoid of all the jokes and laughter that characterised nascent stage marriage.I am fed up.

Princess.

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Dear Princess,

The greatest spiritual battle in life is to fight one's own blood especially one's mother.It is a battle which only a firm faith in God as well as determination to remain on the path of justice can win for you.

Irrespective of how she treated you in the past, she remains your mother and has some spiritual powers over you.Every mother draws her spiritual strength over her child from carrying the baby in the mystery of her womb.Even where she didn't invest love and care, her powers over her child is strong.

For this reason, you must resist the urge to fight her.It isn't worth it because she would only end up doing you more harm than you already have.Your battle with your mother isn't only about your inability to bear a child, but also using your wisdom to buy your freedom from the bitterness of her heart.

From your story, her bitterness with you didn't start today.It goes to the day she discovered she was pregnant with you.Your presence in her life, though not of your own making denied her freedom, brought shame to her and caused some emotional and psychological set backs for her.Coming so early into her life, she holds the opinion that you short-changed her dreams.

Naturally, she is wrong to accuse you of all these things but when one is bitter and looking for a scapegoat, there is no reasoning with such a person.

Whatever happened between her and your father, she blamed and still blames you for it.In her heart, she holds you responsible for the mistakes her life has become; the number of marriages she has had to go through; the choices she was forced to make because of her history of being a used woman.You may not understand why she is blaming you given the fact that she made the choice to sleep with the man who eventually fathered you.When a woman has her dreams and trust shattered by a man, she lashes out bitterly at anything that reminds her of the man.You would always remind her of her nemesis.Nothing you say, do or give her would ever made up for the pains of her rejection by the man who fathered you.That both of them didn't marry shows that the feelings that prompted them to sleep together didn't run deep.Have you ever asked your father why he and your mother didn't end up marrying each other? Have you also asked him why he didn't remarry? His responses may give you clear clues to the reason for your mother's bitterness.

So it is a battle well beyond you, long before you were born.Therefore it isn't a battle some few moments of compassion would ever wipe away or make up for.

That you have succeeded beyond her dreams despite everything she did to make you suffer emotionally all that she suffered, only ups her bile against you.

Even if she is the most celebrated witch, running away from her isn't a solution.Being her first child, your destinies are interwoven.If anything happens to her today, you have a role to play.Yes, you tried your best but the moment you agreed to reconcile with her, you gave her new entry into your life.

It would not be so easy to get her out of it without some form of painful sacrifices.

She alleges you have abandoned her.Having gone the length you did with her, the wisest thing to do now is to come to some sorts of arrangement with her on her upkeep.If possible, come back to Nigeria to beg her and to tell her to pray for you.Ensure you go in the company of a person she cannot refuse his or her request.Even if you don't feel like crying, when you get to her, go on your knees, cry your heart out for mercy and tell her to forgive you of real and imagined offences committed against her.End up by asking her to pray for you as a mother.Tell her to wish you luck and happiness in life.

Tell her to pray that you have children of your own.

All these are to ensure that whatever curse or thing she has done to hurt you is reversed by her.Before going, embark on prayer and fasting for the mercy of God to go before you.Sometimes, it is not just simply a matter of faith but that of obtaining mercy.The difference between David and Saul is mercy.

What is most important now is God's mercy in helping you reach out to her wherever she is now could be the most bitter.Besides prayers, you know her material needs.Patronise her by acceding to her request for a well furnished house.What matter is for you to be happy, so make the sacrifices that go with having her kind for a mother? She is your cross; you must be wise on the proper technique of relating with her.

God isn't oblivious of what you are going through with her but for you to enter into your freedom this is the time for you to give unto Cesar what is his' and what is God's to Him.There are some enemies that will never die or vanish simply because we want them to; what we need is the mercy of God to scale through their mechanism with minimal pains.

And since we all suffer from the yoke of foundational problems, you need the mercy of God not to be a victim of her mistakes.For your sake, remove all bitterness from your heart.You don't need such burden in your quest for solution.

As for your pastor uncle, refrain from saying anything negative about your mother to him.The less you talk about her, the better for you.

God will teach you how to go about it.

Good luck.

Finding It Hard To Forgive Her Betrayal Of My Love

Dear Agatha,

Advise me on what to do.It is all about my girlfriend, and a girl I love very much.When we started, we promised that the only thing we would not forgive one another is unfaithfulness.I was very categorical that I would never forgive her if I discover that she has been unfaithful to me.We promised to eventually marry one another.

All these happened before I travelled out of the country two years ago.We talked everyday but she called one day to beg me to forgive her.Since she hadn't done anything to warrant begging, I was puzzled by her request.So, I told her to tell me what she had done.

And she confessed sleeping with another man.Despite the fact that she confessed the relationship herself, and that I wouldn't have known anything, still I am finding it very difficult to forgive her.The distance between us notwithstanding, I make sure she doesn't lack anything.Hence I cannot understand her reason for doing that.I also supported her to finish her school.Now, see how she is paying me back for all I have done for her.I am so confused and disturbed that I cannot think straight.Please help me.

Efenba.

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Dear Efenba,

This is tricky but there is no offence beyond pardon in life provided the one doing the forgiving has the emotional stamina to completely forget.

Irrespective of whatever vows you both made, the gospel of relationship preaches faithfulness at all times.Both of you didn't need that vow to stay faithful to each other.It is expected that when two persons are committed to one another, all other persons and interests are forgotten.Therefore, she wronged you and the commitment a relationship demands by not only going out with another man but sleeping with him as well.

Whatever her reasons were for doing what she did, it still doesn't erase the fact that she has been unfaithful to you.For this reason you have every right to be angry with her.If you decide to terminate the relationship on account of this, nobody would blame you after all, she has broken the chain that binds both of you together.

But relationship isn't as simple as that.Sometimes, what appears the obvious solution at the beginning doesn't at the end of the day.This is because it is emotional and with emotions, there aren't clear cut mathematical solutions. Emotions come with too many complexities that it is always best to view things from an entirely wholesome perspective before a decision is taken to avoid regrets.Sometimes, what works for one person, may not be what would work for you.While another man can afford to turn his back against the woman who has betrayed him in the worst way any woman can betray a man, it might not be so simple an issue for another man to handle.

This is because just as our characters and attributes are different so also are the chemical compositions that make us unique. Not even identical twins can claim the same destiny in the sense that God may have made them appear the same physically, their outlook towards life give them different personalities.

It helps not to say or do anything when a matter is very fresh to avoid rash decisions.For now, the best thing to do is to refuse to take a decision until the clouds of the pains clear significantly to enable you view what is ahead of you.

Since the past cannot be divorced from our present, this is the right time to go back memory lane, to those things and places that made both of you such a hot item.Why did you decide on her among all the other girls that came your way? Something about her must have made you proposed marriage to her.Can you recall what precisely that thing is? Can you quantify the joy she has brought into your life as well as the sense of fulfillment? Would leaving her make you happier than you are now? Since the discovery, what percentage of you died with the news? Can you ever be complete without this woman? Would you have reasons to regret later that you might have been too hasty in judging her?

You cannot change what she has done; this is a fact you have to learn to live with. So even if you refuse to forgive her, it won't change the reality of the situation.

What can change things is your attitude to what has happened.Like you rightly pointed out, she didn't have to tell you what she did and since you had no way of knowing, she could have gotten away with it.She told you because guilt didn't allow her to rest from what she had done.Only people with conscience allow guilt to determine their actions.For her to have told you herself shows remorse as well as the intention to remain honest to you despite what she had done.

This is one vital point you should not neglect.If you didn't know anything about it in the first place you won't be talking about forgiveness or forgetting a crime.You are talking about it because she told you of what she had done.Not many girls would have done that.Given the fact that you are so far away from her and nobody would have told you, a lot of girls would have continued to string you along until you sent for them.

The truth is that when a body is used to sex, it is difficult for some people to stay off it for a long time.This has nothing to do with their values or persons simply a case of the body demanding for appeasement.Like hunger, some people cannot simply control their sexual urges.What the body doesn't know, it doesn't crave for, so in a way, you may have contributed to her dilemma when you were around.If you didn't refuse her sex, encouraged her to have sex with you at will, she wouldn't have been sexually bereaved leaving her for such a long time.Our bodies simply don't do what we expect of it at times.

While this is not an excuse, in a moment of weakness, it could happen before she knew what she was doing hence her sense of guilt.

Has she ever given you any reason to doubt her? Suspect her of being disloyal to you while you were here in Nigeria? If she never for once gave you reason to doubt her loyalty, why not give her a second chance? Her conduct no doubt is condemnable, enough for you to call off the relationship without thinking twice but look deep into your heart, forgive her if your love for her is strong enough to deal with it.But allow her to go if you know you would always hold it against her.

With forgiveness comes new strength and new focus.It also brings in new respect and determination never to hurt our loved ones again.Your forgiveness may be what she needs to be more determined; to be a good woman.She didn't do it to hurt you but because she lacked the self-discipline to control herself.

That you have written me about it means you are not so convinced about leaving her, hence the need for you to take some time off to do a good thinking before telling her what you feel.

God will help you make the right decision.

Good luck.

My Son Has Erection Crisis Due To Chronic Piles

Dear Agatha,

I have a teenage son whose anus is protruding. I discovered this about four years ago and since then I had been searching everywhere for help. Ironically, he does not feel any pain, only that he stays in the toilet for a very long time and then you see his anus protruding like sausage roll.

I had taken him to many general hospitals around, and they said with time it will heal. But it is over four years now and I have not seen any positive result.

I have also used local herbs to no avail.

My main worry now is the fact that the boy's manhood is not looking like any child of his age but rather looks like that of a little boy. And I have noticed that he does not have erection. I am therefore very worried, I do not know if the ailment is responsible for the present state of his manhood. I have heard that such health challenge can lead to inability to father a child.

Please what do you think I can do to help him?

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

The doctors must have given a name to whatever it is that is wrong. What did they say is wrong and responsible for the protruding anus? Something must have caused it. What in their opinion did? Were tests carried out on him? What general hospitals did you go to? Have you tried getting them to refer you to a teaching hospital because it is not normal for the anus to protrude out of its jacket when one goes to the toilet? That it is happening is enough evidence on its own that medically something is wrong. So, no doctor can dismiss it as one of those things that would go on its own.

Once the anus begins to leave its jacket at will, doctors suggest an operation to forestall a situation of not shrinking back to its former position. If nothing, they should be able to tell you why your son's anus keeps protruding from its normal position. So, to tell you that nothing is wrong is not tenable at all.

Do they think it has anything to do with his diet? What did they suggest you do about it? There is no way they can all be silent about the condition or say it is normal. Can you recall anything precisely about their investigations? And have you told them about his seeming problem with his manhood? You reserve the right to insist on thorough investigations where you think something is wrong. There have been instances of complicity in the way some doctors respond to issues. You can go to a higher authority to lodge complains if you suspect the doctors you are seeing aren't thorough in their response to your son's situation. When it comes to the issue of one's health it is always best to err on the side of caution than to live in permanent regret.

However, the situation you described sounded like hemorrhoids, also known as piles. It is basically inflamed tissue or blood vessels at the lower rectum. It's something that countless people suffer from silently in various degrees. It could also be a severe case of constipation. Severe constipation could lead to too much stress on the lower rectum from straining to pass difficult stool.

If they say nothing is wrong, on your own, do you think it has to do with your kind of diet? Some people have constitutions that react differently from the normal.

While you may get away with your kind of diet, your son may not be able to digest very well some of the things you serve him. The long time he spends in the toilet is suggestive that he is having problems passing stool with ease. Men are easily affected by such things because of the external nature of their male organs as well as its composition which is made up of muscles. Once a man has problems with his lower muscles, it could affect his reproductive organ.

You may start his treatment and help him improve on his digestive problem by including in his diet more fruits and vegetable. Fiber rich foods too can help a great deal to ease movement in his digestive canal. Ensure he takes plenty of water as well.

For now, remove starchy foods from his diet. Encourage him to eat fruits as whole meals or vegetable salads. Carrots are particularly helpful in easing movement of the digestive canal. What more, they are plenty now in season, and could be eaten anytime and anywhere due to the convenience. Garden eggs too have that advantage.

Discourage him from taking anything sugary. Honey should replace sugar. Another thing, I have discovered, that helps digestions very well is eating of orange. Once it is peeled, it should be eaten whole except the seeds. If he can withstand the pungent smell of garlic and onion; these can be blended into juice, sweeten with honey and taken last thing in the night. It is a great drink that aids digestion in addition to its medicinal values of blood purifier.

However, you still have to take him to a doctor to complain of his inability to have an erection. As his mother, for how long has this problem persisted? Has he ever experienced any erection as a child? Can you remember? When did his manhood stop growing? Did it happen the same time he began to have problems with his digestion? Have you pointedly complained about the incident to the doctors? If you haven't, please it is important you do so to make reversal medically possible.

Frankly, you took things for granted. You should have acted promptly the moment you noticed the problem. Damage to the reproductive system is best treated at the onset of the problem. The size of his manhood isn't as important as his ability to have an erection. Irrespective of the size of a man's organ, once he is able to have an erection, he can father a child. Like the woman's breasts, size doesn't matter when it comes to fulfilling the essence of its duty, breast-feeding a child. The problem here is the absence of an erection; a clear indication that something is fundamentally wrong with him.

As a baby, did you ever notice him having an erection? At what point did he stop having them or didn't he ever have an erection?

If government hospitals insist nothing is wrong with him, take him to a very good private hospital where the medical crew would have the patient and interest to carry out thorough investigations on him. Please don't mind the cost of ensuring he gets qualified attention; it is the least you can do for him.

Good luck.

I Love An Older Widower

Dear Agatha,

There is this man I love so much and who is also in love with me. He is very caring and treats me like a wife. He is a widower with four children. He is interested in marrying me but the big issue is he is 19 years older than I am. I am 20 years old. Please I need your advice.

Chichi.

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Dear Chichi,

If you don't have any qualms dating him and allowing him to care for you, why the sudden concern over your ages now that he has asked you to marry him? You knew he was older than you when you agreed to a relationship with him. He must have told you about himself before now so why didn't it bother you then and why now?

Is it the fact that you are taking him out of the cupboard where your relationship has operated until now to the open market where it would be once you agree to marry him? Do you consider his money, love and care also old?

What precisely are you afraid or ashamed of? The fact that your friends would wonder and laugh at your choice of a husband or that you might not be able to cope with his children? Could your concern be that he doesn't want you for who you are but as mother to his children or that your ideas and outlook towards issues are many years apart?

Are your fears over your parents'reactions or your ability to cope with one so much older than yourself? Could your fears be the one every young girl involved with an older man secretly carries deep in her heart; that of meeting a younger man who arrests your heart in more ways than you can cope with? Are you worried about your fidelity to this man and the marriage?

Frankly, there is no marriage without moments of anxiety as well as apprehension over a lot of things. You won't be human or sensible if you didn't think or worry about all these issues. With him being so much older than you, it is natural for you to put all these things in their proper perspective because the success both of you would record as a couple depends very much on how honest you are about these issues.

To help you have a very clear and broad perspective; begin by first determining the quality of your love. Is your love strong enough to swallow up all the combined opposition that would come from all fronts? Is it the kind that has an all weatherproof resistant cover or the kind that is selective? Your love for this man must be blind and deaf to what others think of him or your decision to date someone much older than you. At this threshold in your life, you are not responsible to anybody but yourself. This is your life and only you can tell what can make it work for you.

Being 19 years older than you isn't the issue but how he has affected your life positively. What improvements has he brought into your life? How has he helped you develop yourself vis-a-vis your relationship with others around you especially as it concerns your friends and family?

For you to understand a relationship, you must be holistic in your approach to issues as well as thorough. Don't forget this is about your life and that nobody can live it right for you. Don't be ashamed to say what you feel.

If gratitude is what you feel for this man and not love, he doesn't need you in his life because you would only inflict more wounds on him psychologically. Having lost a wife, he needs a woman who would not only be a mother to his children but also to him. He needs a friend, true companion, confidant, partner, helpmate, help-provider with his children.

You must also realise that this marriage is not only about him but also about four innocent children whose lives would be woven around your own once you marry him. Can you cope with this already made family?

What is your relationship with them? Do you have maternal feelings for the children? Please this is the time to be honest. Don't pretend to be who you are not? At 20, you need freedom to express yourself; to pursue your own dreams as a person as well as a married woman.

Take it from me; it is not going to be easy waking up on the first morning as a married woman to the image of four children in tow. This is an aspect you must think out well before going into it. To do anything less is to hurt this man and those children who have started to regard you as a perfect replacement for their mother. Their hearts are too tender to be inflicted with rejections the second time. The first time was when their mother died. It is best not to raise their hopes than to shatter them completely after they have accepted you into their world.

So, what do you really feel for them? Love, compassion or indifference? Like you, these children also have rights to their father's love. Can you cope with them taking up some of your space in your husband's heart? Would you change towards them when your own children come?

These are fundamentals all of you must come together to discuss as a family. Candidly, this is not going to be so easy for you. Being young, you would want some private time with your man; away from everyone; time to build memories, time to bond as man and woman; you are bound to be irritated, frustrated, feel cheated when unlike other couples of your age, you don't go out so much because of the children. Yes, you would feel aggravated when you don't have time to steal kisses or let go completely without worries about being improper. But if you all talk about it; understand that such feelings are natural; nobody would feel hurt or unwanted when such moods come. Instead of resentment, it would act as their cue to give you time to be alone with your man.

It would also help your man understand that he has to devote more time to your needs as well as being a father to the children. On your part, you would also be able to understand his reasons for doing things in certain ways. Just as you would also appreciate that the children are not intruders but legitimate members of your family as well as progressive stakeholders.

You may be young but you must appreciate that once you accept to be their father's mother, you automatically become their mother hence must possess a wisdom far above your age to know when to apply genuine discipline, praise, encourage, pray as well as support the children to succeed in life. That as their new mother your age becomes irrelevant and that what matters is the fairness you deploy in running the affairs of your home.

You also have to look beyond the present cares to what you like most about his character and person. It is important you have something substantial to hold on to for the stormy days ahead because no marriage is without its days in the hot, dry and neglected side of the desert. When couples get to that point, they need something concrete, exceptional to put their canoe back on track.

Believe me; you would have more than the average couple so it helps to be prepared from the beginning by not building your decision to marry this man on illusions but on firm reality.

Both of you just have to work these things out on your own before presenting yourselves to the public. Without first securing your hearts as well as commitments to each other, you may get derailed by public opinion.

Look beyond his age to his person, vis-a-vis your dreams about your own life and needs. Once you are convinced he is the right man for you, don't debate it with anybody except God who sees the end from the beginning. If God tells you yes; listen to Him because marriage is His special gift to mankind. When you get married to the right person, age becomes just a number. But you must be absolutely honest at every turn to be really happy.

Good luck.

He Loves Me Madly But Hard To Let Go His Old Girl

Dear Agatha,

I am 27 years of age in a year old relationship. We met after he broke up with his former girlfriend. However, he decided to go back to her in the cause of our relationship due to pressures from his friends as well as the girl.

According to him, he decided to go back to her on account of what he considered my inability to satisfy his needs. Despite this reason, he insisted he won't give up his relationship with me. In between, he proposed marriage to me. I recall asking him then if he had a choice between his former girlfriend and me. I demanded to know, who among us he would prefer for a wife. He was honest enough to tell me that he would settle for the other lady on account of being childhood friends and not necessarily because he was so smitten over her.

Now, he is begging me to forgive him as well as give him sometime to call off the relationship between them. His new position has to do with his recent discovery that she is an outcast.

Agatha, would he have come back to me if he didn't find out that she is an outcast? Do you think he loves me? Should I agree to this relationship? I am really depressed and very confused at what to do.

Jaykay.

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Dear Jaykay,

The first mistake you made was allow him talk you into staying on when he decided to go back to the other lady. If you had any self-worth, you would have called it off the moment he decided to go back to his former girlfriend. You should not have allowed him to persuade you to stay on.

That you stayed on showed some sort of desperation on your part to have him at all cost, hence his insensitivity to your feelings. Had you, at the time, left him to pursue his relationship with this other lady without you staying on, you would have earned yourself some measure of respect from him. Not that he wouldn't have come back if he realised you were the one he preferred but to stay on while he makes up his mind on what he really wants from life isn't in your best interest at all.

He can't eat and still have his cake. If he actually has any deep feelings for you, he wouldn't have treated you the way he did. Sincerely, there is nothing to be confused over in this matter because from his behaviour he has demonstrated his little need of you in his life.

A man who wants a woman would do everything to make her happy. From the way he is treating both of you, it is very clear he doesn't care about either of you just as he doesn't know what he wants from life.

He went back to the other lady on account of you not being able to meet his needs. Have you bothered to ask yourself why he still wants you around him when he has told you, you are unable to meet his needs? Isn't that a good reason for him to always have an affair outside you? What makes you think you would now be able to meet his needs with this other girl out of the picture?

What precisely are the needs he is complaining about? Sexual needs or what? Before he went back to the other lady, did he ever complain about your inability to meet his needs? What efforts did he put in helping you measure up to his standards? Even if you know next to nothing about lovemaking, the right thing is for him to teach you not to dump you on account of it. We go into relationship to improve on things we know and know those things we are ignorant of. There are always a lot of things to be learnt in a relationship. It is supposed to be a field of knowledge; not one in which ignorance now count as an offence.

A man really passionate about his woman doesn't leave her on account of her shortcomings; rather he devotes time to helping her overcome them. Did he do that for you? Love is all about sacrifices. You don't fall in love or stay in a relationship because everything is going your way. A good relationship is one that the two parties are able to re-invest themselves at every turn. Without his willingness to invest in this relationship, there is no way you can be happy in it because no matter how much you try, he would always have an excuse to make you feel inadequate.

That he is willing to run from the other lady on account of her outcast status shows that it is not simply a case of you being able to satisfy him but that of him knowing what precisely he wants from life and also of a willingness to settle down.

You don't need a crystal ball to tell a man who is ready to settle down. A man who knows what he wants would not give up the woman of his dreams without a fight. He would put into account all the other qualities the woman has that would make the risk of going against the wish of his family or the others worth taking.

Is he saying that there is nothing worth fighting for in this woman to make him stand by her in her time of need; even if it means being abandoned by his family? What risk is he ready to make for love?

Frankly, there are no assurances with this type of man. There would always be a reason for him to leave you again for another woman anytime he feels the pressures are becoming too much for him.

The inherent reason for his actions is fear over the future. He is not ready for the type of commitments you and the other woman may be looking for. Until he is ready, he would keep coming with bouquets of excuses to go from one woman to the other.

He doesn't love either of you. He is only in love with himself, his own comfort as well as those things that make him happy. Asking you to stay on with him while he thinks of a way of doing away with the other woman is yet another way of making sure none of you is really in charge of his life.

If you stay on, it is at your own risk. Because he is the only one with the timetable of how long it would take him to be ready. His time could be forever. And where would that leave you?

In your own interest, give him up and give yourself the freedom to love another man.

There is nothing solid about this relationship to warrant you staying on. If you two are at the end of the day meant to be together; it won't be under this present situation. New conditions, allegiances, commitments have to be worked out if you insist on having this relationship for yourself.

The danger of you allowing it to grow in its present format is that you may end up with more bitterness and disappointment as the days roll by, than you are currently, because he would keep treating you without considerations for your person or feelings. So, don't be afraid to give him up because you really don't have him in the first place. What you have is cloud, which would soon disappear. Work for substance, something that would leave you fulfilled as a woman and person.

No relationship is worth your self-esteem. The moment a relationship tears up the esteem of one of its partners, it is best that it is rested else it would leave the vulnerable party too damaged to start afresh. The tragedy of life is not in falling but being able to stand up again. If you think at 27, you don't have all the time in the world to begin something new, you would never be able to enjoy fully all those promises that go with being married.

This man isn't doing you any big favour by keeping you in his life. So, don't give him the impression that you cannot live without him, because that would be your greatest undoing in life.

He would continue to make you unhappy as long as you continue to give him the chance to hurt you.

Good luck.

I'm Set For Marriage...He Still Seeks Admission

Dear Agatha,

I am 22 in a relationship with a man at 27. We have been in this relationship for about six years.

But the challenge is that while I am already an undergraduate my boyfriend is still struggling for an admission into the university.

I am the eldest of six children in the family and things are not that glowing with us.

I want to get married so that I would be able to care for my younger ones. Men have been coming to ask for my hand in marriage. The thing is that my boyfriend is not ready to get married now or in the nearest future. He still has a long way to go.

Please, Agatha, I am confused. I don't know what to do. Help me, I am helpless now.

Helpless Lady.

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Dear Helpless Lady,

There is more to marriage than the issue you highlighted, that of caring for your siblings. People should marry for love and friendship. There is no way you would be able to fulfill your self-given assignment of looking after your younger ones if you don't have a happy home or a supportive husband. Everything has to be in it right place for you to play your role effectively as an elder sister because nothing in life exists in vacuum.

While there is the possibility you and your current boyfriend whom you started dating when you knew next to nothing about what you wanted out of life may have outgrown each other, the fact remains that you simply cannot end one relationship over lack of direction and jump into another on account of what your family is passing through.

If you go on with this agenda, chances are very obvious that you would be offering yourself to the highest bidder, the man who has the money to help you train your siblings and not because you want to be happy in your life.

There is a very thick line between love and want. You may want a man for his money but without the essential ingredients of love, you will never be able to give that man the respect and loyalty his position as your husband demands.

The danger of such an arrangement are too numerous to contemplate. The first is that you would never have the patience and tolerance to journey with your man through the concomitant turbulence of marriage. For you to endure situations in a marriage there must be a measure of love or friendship involved. It is also love or friendship that gives one the confidence as well as determination to make good of a bad situation. If the essence of agreeing to marriage is based on financial stability or consideration, the emotional determination to make it work dips because nothing in their emotional composition is strong enough to bring about such profound level of commitment.

No amount of money is ever enough to buy happiness, loyalty or commitment. This is one issue you must consider critically. It won't do you any good to get married to one man today only to discover that you are in love with another man tomorrow. Such hasty and ill-conceived reason is the reason so many marriages are in trouble today. The gift of marriage flows from inside not outward appearances or the things the person has.

Before a marriage can work and provide the couple an enabling environment to achieve their dream for coming together, they must have a common ground to operate.

It is quite remarkable that you have the passion to help with your family; only a man who shares in your passion and love for your family would be able to help you uplift them.

For a man to do that, he has to love you in a special kind of way so as not to see you or your family as a burden to him. He has to be man enough to be able to withstand the attendant family commotion that characterises heavy investment in the woman's family. the type of man that would, must be your friend, because one who is not would one day wake up and send everybody off from his home on account of a quarrel. He has to be a man who is patient, respectful, humble, tolerant, caring and very understanding of life, or else you would end up being a slave in your home, simply because you want to be on his good side always, so he can continue to sponsor your younger ones. The worst kind of thing to happen to any man or woman is to have his or her pride dragged into the mud. It hurts more than physical assault. So, be careful you don't mortgage your pride as well as those of your family members in your hastiness to get married.

This is extremely important because this man isn't ever going to go away. He would always be with you and your family hence it is necessary that he has the right attitude to prevent bad blood in the family.

Among all those asking your hand in marriage which among them is ready to make such a monumental sacrifice for you? Who is willing to take on the burden of an already made family? Who would not after a while, think you and your family a burden or treat you with contempt at being the saviour of the family? Who among them can you love unconditionally?

Your ideal man may not have money but peace to offer you to build on your own potentials. Self-help is usually the best form of help. No matter how rich your ideal man is, in your own interest as well as that of your family, you also have to put in your effort because eventually, both of you would have children of your own which would obliterate the preference for your siblings' interest.

Money isn't the only support a man can give you. If he gives you peace in the home as well as trust and support to reach the pinnacle of your career, having the resources to train your siblings won't be any problem to you in the sense that you would be able to build a viable career.

It could be in the area of good business ideas to your family. Support comes in all sorts of form. So, be careful you don't limit your choices. Look for a man whose tomorrow is brighter than today. Remember you are no longer 16 hence must know what you want to enable you recognise similar needs in a man.

As for your current boyfriend, I agree it may not be easy for you to wait for him to be ready in the sense that at 27, he is yet to have a clear idea of where life is leading him. If he is still struggling to gain admission into school at this age, when would he finish his education, serve, get a job and be ready for marriage? You may not be able to wait for him since you are already in school. This situation works well if the man gets into school first and you the woman still struggling to get in.

Having stayed with him for six years, you owe him the truth. It is better he gets hurt telling him the truth than you leaving without explaining your reasons to him.

Let him know this is one incident when your love for each other isn't just enough for you anymore, when you want more from life than you are currently getting.

It is only after you have told him everything that you can leave him to pursue your new dreams. But in pursuing your new dreams, you must also be sure that this old relationship is really over, else you may never have the opportunity of redeeming your mistake.

Good luck.