With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age, have a boyfriend who resides some distance from me. He claims to love me, but doesn’t call me on phone. I am the one who is always calling him.
Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more.
My worry is: does he love me as he claims at all?
Do please tell me what to do.
Mary.
Dear Mary,
The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues.
He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make.
The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability.
You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now.
However, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication, it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death.
But beyond that, this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude, and the message this is communicating to you.
By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving this initial problem.
You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work, but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you being tag as desperate. You have shown him you care, love him, but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls may be making him wary of taking it further for fear of you domininating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with.
Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you.
It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Re: I’m ashamed of my husband’s age
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for this beautiful write up. It actually has similarity to my situation.
I met my present girl after my former wife left. We had no children between us. The current lady is 27 years, while I am 49.
My problem with her is that she is most concerned about what she can get from me, while she is searching for a better offer.
We rarely make love, and when we do, she insists I use a condom, whereas from the beginning she knows my desire to have a child. My request to meet with her family members next month hasn’t been granted. As a matter of fact, she refused to make a commitment to my request.
I’m a Federal Civil Servant and live in my own house, though moderate. My problem now is that I need a serious minded woman I can conveniently live and raise a family with.
Depressed Man.
Dear Depressed Man,
Getting another woman isn’t the most important issue for now. There is the need for you to first determine what the challenges are with you, have a focus of the kind of woman you now need in your life as well as the peg of the marriage you want, to avoid you making anohter mistake. You have gone beyond meeting and proposing to a woman; you need to present the woman with much more to make her yield to your proposal.
I concur that at 49, age isn’t something that you have too much on your side, but it also doesn’t mean you should throw caution into the winds by becoming so desperate for any kind of woman.
Doubtless, you have lost considerable time, but there is no way you can move forward if you don’t first accept the reality of your situation.
If at 49 you are still without a child after years of marriage the natural salient question and fear on the mind of any woman you approach for a relationship would be: why you are still childless at your age? Any girl that agrees to date you without asking this question and having a satisfactory answer will end up disappointing you. Just like in the case of your current girlfriend, her decision to date you would premise on how much you are willing to part with.
Uncomfortable as this may sound to you, the truth is that your age and condition has made you a high risk to any young lady desirous of having children. Except you are extremely lucky, no young lady would ideally want to begin her life with you. A young lady that decides to take the risk with you would need more than the assurances of love and more of security considerations to stay with you.
She would need proof that she won’t be sacrificing her womanhood if she marries you. Therefore, to protect you from yourself, you must be very honest with the choices you have.
Without you debasing, your ex-wife and former marriage, honestly tell the new woman you want in your life every necessary detail she ought to know about your former marriage.
Your willingness to talk freely about issues she may be afraid to ask in order not to hurt you will encourage a woman to stay.
It is also important you factor into your plans the age of the lady. It would have been a bit easier if you already have children. But with your situation, you need a woman who is matured and has the right shocks and frame of mind to confront whatever she will meet in her marriage to you. You need a woman who is deep enough to appreciate you for who you are first and not the challenge of marrying a childless middle-aged divorcee immediately you contact her for a relationship.
The lady in your life is treating you the way she is doing because she doesn’t have what it takes to make this kind of sacrifice for you. By staying with her more than necessary, you risk damaging whatever confidence you have left in yourself as a man. And to date her kind would further demoralise you as a man.
Therefore, end this relationship because it is leading to nowhere. Stop exposing yourself to avoidable pains from women who are obviously out to take advantage of your situation.
Accept those things in life you cannot change again. As one gets older, illusions give way to reality. You are at that age when you take sole responsibility for your action. There is no more future anywhere. This is that all-important future you have talked about from your childhood. Count your loses and move on. At this age, you don’t have to please anybody. A desperate and inexperienced woman would only make your life more complex. Look for a woman who has seen all there is to see about life, the kind that has the understanding that life isn’t a straight line, that each of the curve is an incident designed to help others grow in knowledge and wisdom.
You need a woman who would first of all see you as her friend, son, brother, and partner. Only this kind of woman will have the patience to help you come to your full realisation as a man.
A good marriage isn’t just about having a child, but also about being happy. Without the person you are sharing your space, body, and mind with, there is no way a woman who isn’t properly in tune with your dreams can make you happy. Marriage is a compromise of all the aspects of life.
Take time out of this relationship first; sort out your needs before settling down with one. Ensure you and the woman share so many things in common. The example of the lady in the above captioned story should serve as a lesson to you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for this beautiful write up. It actually has similarity to my situation.
I met my present girl after my former wife left. We had no children between us. The current lady is 27 years, while I am 49.
My problem with her is that she is most concerned about what she can get from me, while she is searching for a better offer.
We rarely make love, and when we do, she insists I use a condom, whereas from the beginning she knows my desire to have a child. My request to meet with her family members next month hasn’t been granted. As a matter of fact, she refused to make a commitment to my request.
I’m a Federal Civil Servant and live in my own house, though moderate. My problem now is that I need a serious minded woman I can conveniently live and raise a family with.
Depressed Man.
Dear Depressed Man,
Getting another woman isn’t the most important issue for now. There is the need for you to first determine what the challenges are with you, have a focus of the kind of woman you now need in your life as well as the peg of the marriage you want, to avoid you making anohter mistake. You have gone beyond meeting and proposing to a woman; you need to present the woman with much more to make her yield to your proposal.
I concur that at 49, age isn’t something that you have too much on your side, but it also doesn’t mean you should throw caution into the winds by becoming so desperate for any kind of woman.
Doubtless, you have lost considerable time, but there is no way you can move forward if you don’t first accept the reality of your situation.
If at 49 you are still without a child after years of marriage the natural salient question and fear on the mind of any woman you approach for a relationship would be: why you are still childless at your age? Any girl that agrees to date you without asking this question and having a satisfactory answer will end up disappointing you. Just like in the case of your current girlfriend, her decision to date you would premise on how much you are willing to part with.
Uncomfortable as this may sound to you, the truth is that your age and condition has made you a high risk to any young lady desirous of having children. Except you are extremely lucky, no young lady would ideally want to begin her life with you. A young lady that decides to take the risk with you would need more than the assurances of love and more of security considerations to stay with you.
She would need proof that she won’t be sacrificing her womanhood if she marries you. Therefore, to protect you from yourself, you must be very honest with the choices you have.
Without you debasing, your ex-wife and former marriage, honestly tell the new woman you want in your life every necessary detail she ought to know about your former marriage.
Your willingness to talk freely about issues she may be afraid to ask in order not to hurt you will encourage a woman to stay.
It is also important you factor into your plans the age of the lady. It would have been a bit easier if you already have children. But with your situation, you need a woman who is matured and has the right shocks and frame of mind to confront whatever she will meet in her marriage to you. You need a woman who is deep enough to appreciate you for who you are first and not the challenge of marrying a childless middle-aged divorcee immediately you contact her for a relationship.
The lady in your life is treating you the way she is doing because she doesn’t have what it takes to make this kind of sacrifice for you. By staying with her more than necessary, you risk damaging whatever confidence you have left in yourself as a man. And to date her kind would further demoralise you as a man.
Therefore, end this relationship because it is leading to nowhere. Stop exposing yourself to avoidable pains from women who are obviously out to take advantage of your situation.
Accept those things in life you cannot change again. As one gets older, illusions give way to reality. You are at that age when you take sole responsibility for your action. There is no more future anywhere. This is that all-important future you have talked about from your childhood. Count your loses and move on. At this age, you don’t have to please anybody. A desperate and inexperienced woman would only make your life more complex. Look for a woman who has seen all there is to see about life, the kind that has the understanding that life isn’t a straight line, that each of the curve is an incident designed to help others grow in knowledge and wisdom.
You need a woman who would first of all see you as her friend, son, brother, and partner. Only this kind of woman will have the patience to help you come to your full realisation as a man.
A good marriage isn’t just about having a child, but also about being happy. Without the person you are sharing your space, body, and mind with, there is no way a woman who isn’t properly in tune with your dreams can make you happy. Marriage is a compromise of all the aspects of life.
Take time out of this relationship first; sort out your needs before settling down with one. Ensure you and the woman share so many things in common. The example of the lady in the above captioned story should serve as a lesson to you.
Good luck.
Sacked for dating her, now she’s pregnant…
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I graduated with Second Class Upper in Psychology but couldn’t get a job five years after my graduation. So, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job that came my way.
That was how I became a security man to this successful businessman. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might be a barrier to my being employed by him.
Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. Even if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl, were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet and gist with me. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money, but also excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her.
Through our discussions, the twins discovered I was a graduate. In fact, I became their friend as I helped them with their assignments since they were also studying my course. Their mother was hardly around, so she didn’t notice our closeness.
Somehow, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened, but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say.
Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support, but warned of his mother’s reactions if she gets to find out.
We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’ wife got to know, and one afternoon came to my post, slapped me, with threats to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone.
That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business.
All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am not only still dating her daughter, but that she is pregnant for me?
Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter, I, who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman her words are laws in that house.
Paul.
Dear Paul,
It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are laws in that house. In the first place, you are no longer working for her and you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say; learn to control your temper as a man.
Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were in the first place.
What you need is confidence in yourself and belief in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you of being afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and inferior to have her daughter as a wife.
The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with, and for that simple fact deserves your respect. But anything beyond that, make it clear to her in your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago.
Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee, but now you are now a young successful businessman. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years.
However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to first of all accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far, but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over.
He may not be as obvious as his wife, but deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good-natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you.
And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist.
Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he were as humble as you said, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter.
By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth.
Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I graduated with Second Class Upper in Psychology but couldn’t get a job five years after my graduation. So, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job that came my way.
That was how I became a security man to this successful businessman. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might be a barrier to my being employed by him.
Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. Even if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl, were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet and gist with me. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money, but also excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her.
Through our discussions, the twins discovered I was a graduate. In fact, I became their friend as I helped them with their assignments since they were also studying my course. Their mother was hardly around, so she didn’t notice our closeness.
Somehow, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened, but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say.
Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support, but warned of his mother’s reactions if she gets to find out.
We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’ wife got to know, and one afternoon came to my post, slapped me, with threats to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone.
That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business.
All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am not only still dating her daughter, but that she is pregnant for me?
Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter, I, who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman her words are laws in that house.
Paul.
Dear Paul,
It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are laws in that house. In the first place, you are no longer working for her and you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say; learn to control your temper as a man.
Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were in the first place.
What you need is confidence in yourself and belief in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you of being afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and inferior to have her daughter as a wife.
The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with, and for that simple fact deserves your respect. But anything beyond that, make it clear to her in your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago.
Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee, but now you are now a young successful businessman. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years.
However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to first of all accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far, but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over.
He may not be as obvious as his wife, but deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good-natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you.
And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist.
Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he were as humble as you said, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter.
By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth.
Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother.
Good luck.
Causes of uterine fibroids, please
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
What are the causes of uterine fibroids and how common are they? I am bothered because my wife has it.
Lanre.
Dear Lanre,
None of the researches I made could say exactly why women develop these tumors. However, the different searches agree that genetic abnormalities, alterations in growth expression, like proteins formed in the body that direct the rate and extent of cell proliferation, abnormalities in the vascular- blood vessel system, and tissue response to injury have all been suggested to play a role in the development of fibroids.
In their opinion, family history is a key factor, since there is often a history of fibroids developing in women of the same family just as race appears to play a role. Women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. Women of African ancestry also develop fibroids at a younger age and may have symptoms from fibroids in their 20s, in contrast to Caucasian women with fibroids, in whom symptoms typically occur during the 30s and 40s. Pregnancy and taking oral contraceptives both decrease the likelihood of having fibroids.
Thankfully, fibroids have not been observed in girls who have not reached puberty, but adolescent girls may rarely develop fibroids. Other factors that researchers have associated with an increased risk of developing fibroids include having the first menstrual period; menarche prior to age 10, consumption of alcohol particularly beer, uterine infections, and elevated blood pressure – hypertension.
Estrogen tends to stimulate the growth of fibroids in many cases. During the first trimester of pregnancy, up to 30 per cent of fibroids will enlarge and then shrink after the birth. In general, fibroids tend to shrink after menopause, but postmenopausal hormone therapy may cause symptoms to persist.
Overall, these tumors are fairly common and occur in up to 50 per cent of all women. Most of the time, uterine fibroids do not cause symptoms or problems, and a woman with a fibroid is usually unaware of its presence. Uterine fibroids are benign tumors that originate in the uterus.
It is best you seek professional help in the treatment and management of the condition.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
What are the causes of uterine fibroids and how common are they? I am bothered because my wife has it.
Lanre.
Dear Lanre,
None of the researches I made could say exactly why women develop these tumors. However, the different searches agree that genetic abnormalities, alterations in growth expression, like proteins formed in the body that direct the rate and extent of cell proliferation, abnormalities in the vascular- blood vessel system, and tissue response to injury have all been suggested to play a role in the development of fibroids.
In their opinion, family history is a key factor, since there is often a history of fibroids developing in women of the same family just as race appears to play a role. Women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. Women of African ancestry also develop fibroids at a younger age and may have symptoms from fibroids in their 20s, in contrast to Caucasian women with fibroids, in whom symptoms typically occur during the 30s and 40s. Pregnancy and taking oral contraceptives both decrease the likelihood of having fibroids.
Thankfully, fibroids have not been observed in girls who have not reached puberty, but adolescent girls may rarely develop fibroids. Other factors that researchers have associated with an increased risk of developing fibroids include having the first menstrual period; menarche prior to age 10, consumption of alcohol particularly beer, uterine infections, and elevated blood pressure – hypertension.
Estrogen tends to stimulate the growth of fibroids in many cases. During the first trimester of pregnancy, up to 30 per cent of fibroids will enlarge and then shrink after the birth. In general, fibroids tend to shrink after menopause, but postmenopausal hormone therapy may cause symptoms to persist.
Overall, these tumors are fairly common and occur in up to 50 per cent of all women. Most of the time, uterine fibroids do not cause symptoms or problems, and a woman with a fibroid is usually unaware of its presence. Uterine fibroids are benign tumors that originate in the uterus.
It is best you seek professional help in the treatment and management of the condition.
Good luck.
My upbringing affects relationship with opposite sex
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
It’s always great reading the various advice you give to people and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue that is eating me up.
I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in his life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin, but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem.
I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused as to marrying a graduate like me or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply.
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
There is nothing much in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not.
Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side; a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lack the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover whom you are, get into pranks like all children do; the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing.
To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know whom you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want; only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship.
To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality.
In this package are temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first.
Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood.
A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are.
Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
It’s always great reading the various advice you give to people and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue that is eating me up.
I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in his life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin, but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem.
I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused as to marrying a graduate like me or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply.
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
There is nothing much in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not.
Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side; a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lack the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover whom you are, get into pranks like all children do; the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing.
To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know whom you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want; only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship.
To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality.
In this package are temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first.
Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood.
A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are.
Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy.
Good luck.
I’m ashamed of my husband’s age
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I got married in 2009. Before, then I asked God to give me a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to Him. He answered my prayer. But the man is more than 50 years of age while I am 30. My problem now is, sometimes I don’t go out with him and when I do, I refuse to sit with him because I am ashamed. I truly love him but I practically force myself to go out with him and sometimes I don’t bother to introduce him to my friends.
Please help me out of this because I am already into the marriage and I can’t go back.
Mercy.
Dear Mercy,
The only problem I see here is you and until you come to terms with the most important things you want from life, you will never be happy.
In the first instance, were you forced to go into this marriage? You went into it with your eyes opened. You knew from the first day that this man is 20 years older than you and you knew that marriage is forever and you would have to accompany him everywhere as his wife. So what changed from the time you married him and now to make you become so ashamed of the man you profess to love?
What manner of love makes you ashamed to be seen with the man you married? What kind of woman would refuse to sit with her husband at public functions? Why did you marry him at all? Didn’t you feel all these things you are now feeling when you first met him or agreed to marry him? These kinds of feelings don’t just grow all of a sudden unless the person having them is looking for an excuse to behave in a particular way. What was so urgent then that made you ignore his age then that is no longer important now that you have married him?
Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth here. It is either you married him for the comfort of his money or have found a younger man you want to leave this man for. There must be a reason, one you are unwilling to say that is responsible for your sudden unease with everything your husband represents.
Either way, learn to be very honest with yourself to avoid throwing away substance for mere dreams.
Age is a thing of the mind. If you really love him, you will learn to be comfortable with him as well as give him all the support he needs to be happy with his decision to marry you.
The fact that he isn’t saying anything or hasn’t complained about your behaviour doesn’t mean he is unaware of what is going on. He may be ignoring you for his own peace of mind. Certain experiences in his past may have taught him to hold his peace.
The nature of the resentment and embarrassment are so strong that the person at the receiving end instantly gets the message. He is pretending not to notice to give you time to get used to his person. If you are wise, you would stop concentrating on his age and pay attention to his person and how much happiness you are getting from being married to him.
Try for one second to put yourself in his shoes; how would you feel if he is the one avoiding you like a plague, refusing to introduce you to his friends?
There is more to being married than the issue you are playing up. You asked God to give you a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to God; He gave you exactly what you wanted so why not simply enjoy the grace of God for this special gift? If age mattered so much to you, why didn’t you specify?
For every marriage to succeed, it has to be laced with plenty of loyalty and contentment. You risk peace, joy and progress in your life and marriage if you continuously give in to your feelings of frustration at the gift God gave to you.
At 30, you should have outgrown this kind of feeling. By now, you ought to be at the gate of reality; appreciate that life itself isn’t perfect and think of ways of making it work.
You will never find the strength and motivation to propel this marriage to its full potentials unless you let go of this fixation you have with his age.
More than your husband, you have more to lose. Should he decide he has had enough of your treatment of him, he is most likely to find another woman faster than you can find a man at your age willing to marry a divorcee.
Besides, the earlier you settled down to making your marriage work, the better for you. Don’t forget as a woman, your own biological clock is ticking away. While you are worried about his age, your own reproductive clock is aging. Once it comes to a full-stop, there is no remedy whereas, modern science can make him look 30 years younger than you. Before he becomes the one putting the pressure on you to prove your womanhood, reposition your marriage along the lines of giving him every respect and devotion he deserves as your husband.
One way to achieve this is to look at your so-called friends. How many of them are as lucky as you are in the choice of a good man? If you care to look beyond the amplified image of him being an old man, you will begin to discover so many positive attributes about him. It is just a matter of finding out why you say you are in love with a man you ordinarily don’t want to have anything to do with.
In your most sober moments, do you think another man that is younger than he is can manage your person, give you the kind of peace you feel with him? If you didn’t feel something good about your marriage, it won’t just be his age you would be complaining about, you would have mentioned those things too.
Lack of knowledge of what you really want from life is one of the reasons you are so unfair to your husband. Take time out, get to know him; the person behind the image of the old man you constantly see. By the time you get to meet the real person, befriend him, you will grow the peace, wisdom and maturity to be proud of him.
The fact that you met him single at his age should tell you that he has gone through some very difficult experiences in life. He doesn’t need a woman who will make him unhappy or remember images he would rather forget. He needs you to love him more than any of those women who made him remain single until you came into his life.
Make it your business to delete from his memory bank those images, not adding to them by acting like a teenager who lacks the knowledge of what life has to offer.
Once you make up your mind to be the kind of wife he deserves, you will discover that what you think is important is the least deserving of attention in your marriage.
Even if it is his appearance you don’t like, there are ways of correcting it without being unfeeling. Besides, if you intend to last forever with him, you better learn how to enjoy the marriage.
You also need more of God’s presence in your life to help you focus rightly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I got married in 2009. Before, then I asked God to give me a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to Him. He answered my prayer. But the man is more than 50 years of age while I am 30. My problem now is, sometimes I don’t go out with him and when I do, I refuse to sit with him because I am ashamed. I truly love him but I practically force myself to go out with him and sometimes I don’t bother to introduce him to my friends.
Please help me out of this because I am already into the marriage and I can’t go back.
Mercy.
Dear Mercy,
The only problem I see here is you and until you come to terms with the most important things you want from life, you will never be happy.
In the first instance, were you forced to go into this marriage? You went into it with your eyes opened. You knew from the first day that this man is 20 years older than you and you knew that marriage is forever and you would have to accompany him everywhere as his wife. So what changed from the time you married him and now to make you become so ashamed of the man you profess to love?
What manner of love makes you ashamed to be seen with the man you married? What kind of woman would refuse to sit with her husband at public functions? Why did you marry him at all? Didn’t you feel all these things you are now feeling when you first met him or agreed to marry him? These kinds of feelings don’t just grow all of a sudden unless the person having them is looking for an excuse to behave in a particular way. What was so urgent then that made you ignore his age then that is no longer important now that you have married him?
Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth here. It is either you married him for the comfort of his money or have found a younger man you want to leave this man for. There must be a reason, one you are unwilling to say that is responsible for your sudden unease with everything your husband represents.
Either way, learn to be very honest with yourself to avoid throwing away substance for mere dreams.
Age is a thing of the mind. If you really love him, you will learn to be comfortable with him as well as give him all the support he needs to be happy with his decision to marry you.
The fact that he isn’t saying anything or hasn’t complained about your behaviour doesn’t mean he is unaware of what is going on. He may be ignoring you for his own peace of mind. Certain experiences in his past may have taught him to hold his peace.
The nature of the resentment and embarrassment are so strong that the person at the receiving end instantly gets the message. He is pretending not to notice to give you time to get used to his person. If you are wise, you would stop concentrating on his age and pay attention to his person and how much happiness you are getting from being married to him.
Try for one second to put yourself in his shoes; how would you feel if he is the one avoiding you like a plague, refusing to introduce you to his friends?
There is more to being married than the issue you are playing up. You asked God to give you a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to God; He gave you exactly what you wanted so why not simply enjoy the grace of God for this special gift? If age mattered so much to you, why didn’t you specify?
For every marriage to succeed, it has to be laced with plenty of loyalty and contentment. You risk peace, joy and progress in your life and marriage if you continuously give in to your feelings of frustration at the gift God gave to you.
At 30, you should have outgrown this kind of feeling. By now, you ought to be at the gate of reality; appreciate that life itself isn’t perfect and think of ways of making it work.
You will never find the strength and motivation to propel this marriage to its full potentials unless you let go of this fixation you have with his age.
More than your husband, you have more to lose. Should he decide he has had enough of your treatment of him, he is most likely to find another woman faster than you can find a man at your age willing to marry a divorcee.
Besides, the earlier you settled down to making your marriage work, the better for you. Don’t forget as a woman, your own biological clock is ticking away. While you are worried about his age, your own reproductive clock is aging. Once it comes to a full-stop, there is no remedy whereas, modern science can make him look 30 years younger than you. Before he becomes the one putting the pressure on you to prove your womanhood, reposition your marriage along the lines of giving him every respect and devotion he deserves as your husband.
One way to achieve this is to look at your so-called friends. How many of them are as lucky as you are in the choice of a good man? If you care to look beyond the amplified image of him being an old man, you will begin to discover so many positive attributes about him. It is just a matter of finding out why you say you are in love with a man you ordinarily don’t want to have anything to do with.
In your most sober moments, do you think another man that is younger than he is can manage your person, give you the kind of peace you feel with him? If you didn’t feel something good about your marriage, it won’t just be his age you would be complaining about, you would have mentioned those things too.
Lack of knowledge of what you really want from life is one of the reasons you are so unfair to your husband. Take time out, get to know him; the person behind the image of the old man you constantly see. By the time you get to meet the real person, befriend him, you will grow the peace, wisdom and maturity to be proud of him.
The fact that you met him single at his age should tell you that he has gone through some very difficult experiences in life. He doesn’t need a woman who will make him unhappy or remember images he would rather forget. He needs you to love him more than any of those women who made him remain single until you came into his life.
Make it your business to delete from his memory bank those images, not adding to them by acting like a teenager who lacks the knowledge of what life has to offer.
Once you make up your mind to be the kind of wife he deserves, you will discover that what you think is important is the least deserving of attention in your marriage.
Even if it is his appearance you don’t like, there are ways of correcting it without being unfeeling. Besides, if you intend to last forever with him, you better learn how to enjoy the marriage.
You also need more of God’s presence in your life to help you focus rightly.
Good luck.
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