He won’t forgive me for forgetting his mother’s birthday

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been married for four years. Ordinarily my husband is caring and responsible but since marrying him, he has persistently done certain things that are beginning to make me wonder if he thinks of me at all. Since getting married to him, he has never remembered my birthday let alone buying me gifts. But I have never failed to remember his birthdays and to buy him gifts. I wouldn’t have minded if he also doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays. Since we became parents, there is nothing concerning his children special days he doesn’t remember. He not only remembers but also makes it a family celebration. He would take time out to take us all out. He also remembers his mother’s birthdays. He never fails too to give me more than enough money to buy her presents. Whenever I ask why it is only my birthdays, he forgets, he would mumble something about being too busy. Although he would bring my gift the next day, but then it won’t be my birthday gift, more of apology gift. Since he has consistently treated my birthday as a non-issue in the last couple of years, I deliberately forgot his as well as his mother’s to show him how it feels not to be remembered by the one you love the most in the world. The fact that I forgot his mother’s birthday is now causing so many problems in our home – more than I bargained for. Since June, he has refused to talk to me; he says I am wicked and uncaring. He also described me as being cruel to his mother. The fact that he knew I did it deliberately is what is making him very angry. I am fed up of everything and just want my husband back, but he is making peace between us impossible to negotiate. He only talks to me when there are people around or his children are with us. In the bedroom, he sleeps on a small mattress he bought for his study room. When I make attempts to touch him, he pushes me off him; he hasn’t looked my way since the incident. I can’t continue like this. What can I do to have him back in my arms? I love him so much. Eyiwunmi. Dear Eyiwunmi, Beg him! Two wrongs can never be right. So what if he forgets your birthday? How many men remember their wives’ birthdays? You are not his child so why should he remember your birthday the way he remembers those of his children? If he doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays, who will? He remembers his children special days because he helped to create them. There is no way he ever forget the anxiety of bringing them into the world. Therefore it is natural for him to always remember those days just as your father remembered yours while you were still at home. He will also not forget his mother’s birthday because of the history they shared together. No matter the position you now occupy in his life, his relationship with his mother predates yours and can never be replaced by you. No matter your anger against your husband, you should never have taken it out on his mother. You were wrong to exhibit such a behaviour towards a woman who gave birth to the man you love most in the world. The fact that she trained him to be caring and responsible like you said, should that be a reason for you to always show appreciation to her? Besides, she deserves every attention she can get at her age. How would you feel if the wife of your son stops him from celebrating you in your old age? She has worked to be where your husband is today so don’t ever begrudge whatever he spends on her or the quality of attention he bestows on her. It is her right, her moment to reap what she sowed years back. The fact that he has ignored you for almost two months after the incident happened, explains his hurt and disappointment at your conduct. You have been married to this man for four years and should have known issues very close to his heart. There is no way, you will live with someone for a year and not know the values of such a person. Even if you wanted to pay him back in his coins, you should have chosen to his own birthday to do that, not his mother’s. It’s not as if his mother is supporting him to ignore your birthday. In addition, the fact that he always comes back home with gifts the day after your birthday shows that he isn’t completely indifferent to your birthday. Not many men would even think it appropriate to buy an ‘apology gift’ as you call it for their wives after her birthday. Marriage is about accepting the limitations of the other person and appreciating the person’s strength. Besides wisdom demands that certain issues be tackled with diplomacy. As a wife and mother, you must at all times find a balance in your dealings with your family members. Had you used either his own birthday or his children’s to drive home your point, he wouldn’t have taken it to heart the way he is taking your actions against his mother. Now he thinks you don’t like his mother at all. It will take you quite an effort to make him see reasons with you, make him forget that you can be mean to his mother. Since he is very close to his mother, she is the only one that can settle this matter. You may not like the idea of going to her but at the point your marriage has gotten to now, you need to do something very urgently. The more you sleep apart the more danger you expose your home and family. He is angry and very vulnerable to the manipulation of a crafty woman. This is a dangerous gulf you must not allow to continue. If it means telling his mother everything, do it fast. Men aren’t as patient when it comes to the issue of intimacy. You may be able to endure it, but he won’t be able for too long. There are too many attractive women out there for you to ignore the real danger this situation presents to your home. In soliciting for her assistance, apologise for deliberately forgetting her birthday. Tell her the truth and why you thought it was a good idea then. As a woman, she would understand the sentiments of your action especially if you have never had any issue with her before. Follow this by trying to win him back with the pleasant memories of your life together before this unfortunate incident. Cook him his favourite meal, the kind you know he can’t resist. Make sure his children are up and waiting for him when he comes back. Since he can’t resist his children, he would be forced to eat the meal. Use that opportunity to touch him, whisper your apologies into his ears, bathed in your most seductive perfume. For once, ignore the children while you commence your wooing game. Present him with the best gift you know he likes; go into the bedroom to wear one of your most sinful nightgowns; the kind no sane man can resist. The idea is to get him to touch you. I am sure once you are able to break into his wall of defence, getting him to listen to your apologies won’t be that difficult anymore. If you need to use an adult film to water down his stubborn resistance, do it provided you achieve your aim of getting him back in your bed and arms. After that go on your knees to properly say sorry to him. If your wish is to have him celebrate your birthday, make sure you start reminding him about a month to the time. Begin a countdown process; on the day, wake him up with a kiss reminding him that you are glad to be alive. Order a cake for the family, plus a special meal. This way, he can’t but remember to get you something special. There are always better alternatives to every situation as long as we are willing to apply our minds to these alternatives. Always place God on your front burner. Good luck.

I’m desperate to marry my handsome pastor…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need your help desperately. There is this new pastor, recently posted to our branch. He is one of the most handsome men I have ever come across. Since he has resumed work, I have done everything to make him acknowledge my presence, which he has informed my given heavy financial contributions to church programmes. The issue now is, I am not the only one gunning for his attention. So many single girls in the church too have similar ideas. As a matter of fact, one of the biggest girls in the church recently bought him a new KIA Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV), making it impossible for me to think of what to get him to equal this exotic gift. From my investigations, she is already visiting him at home, under the pretense of wanting to help him cook and clean the house. I have waited for the opportunity to marry the man of my dreams. I will be 40 in August. He happens to be the one I want the most. I am ready to do anything to beat my main competitor for his heart. Please tell me how to go about it in terms of behaviour, dressing or the kinds of gifts I should buy him. God has even showed me through dreams that I got married to him. The dream has kept coming back almost in the same way. The frequency of the dreams is all the proof I need that God has indeed answered my prayers this time around. My dreams always come true. I have fasted for too long for this special moment in my life. I have been to many churches in my quest to marry. I just know my time is right with the posting of this pastor to our branch. But you know heavens help those who help themselves. I have even offered to join the ushers to enable him observe me better. I am very desperate and would forever remain indebted to you if you can use your gift to get this man to marry me. Maureen. Dear Maureen, First, if it is the will of God that you and this man end up as an item, your worries are then baseless just as the other lady’s efforts at attracting him to her side will end up a failure. This is because there is nothing none of you can do on your own without the express permission of God who sees the end from the beginning. And since you are so sure that God reveals things to you, those dreams of yours should act as double assurances that He has heard your prayers concerning your desires to marry. One thing you should know about God is His ability to accomplish what He says He would do. But many a time, we ignore Him and His ways to source for our own happiness. At 40, what kinds of mistakes have you been making since you came of age? What kinds of opportunities did you throw away that are unwittingly making you to start all over again? Faith and desperation do not go together; neither can good wisdom abide with someone who is crafty and calculative. You cannot claim to be God’s own without having implicit confidence in His ways and decisions. One of the ways to become totally dependent on God is to serving with a motive. You don’t go to church, contribute to the growth of a church or the pastor’s life because of what you hope to get. You do these things to honour God in your life, nothing more, nothing less. You have become blinded by your desperate desires to marry and also deaf to His words. Sincerely you are getting everything wrong in your relationship with God. This is no way to serve God or be a worker in His vineyard. If the motive of going to church is to get a husband at all cost, what time do you have to listen to His words or presence of mind to hear from Him? He may have given you your answers long ago but distraction is causing you to turn blind eyes and ears to His will. If God doesn’t place your favour in his eyes and heart, you can be the only usher in the church and he still won’t notice you if God doesn’t want him to. You could even be the most gorgeous and successful woman in the church and he still wouldn’t think of you along the line you want him to if both of you are not meant to be. So it isn’t how you are dressed, how respectful you are or the kinds of gifts you buy for him that would count at the end of the day. Rather, it is what God wants for both of you. Having been to so many churches should have told you that it isn’t the efforts we put into playing god in our lives that give us solutions to our problems but being right with God. Besides, what makes you think he is the right one for you? Is it on account of his looks or what? Beyond being your pastor, what do you know about him, his character and person? Do you know if he is married or has a woman he is intended to in his life? Given the fact that you are about 40, he must be somewhere in that region. Do you think at his age and with his good looks, he would still be single and available for grabs? There is more to being married than wearing the wedding gown and posing happily in front of the camera and well wishers. Marriage peels us bare of everything that is attractive; it reveals our true nature for our partner to see. It takes a lot of dosages of patience, tolerance, selflessness, understanding, wisdom, loyalty, prayers, faith, as well as blinded determination for it to work. What kind of preparations do you have beyond buying him gifts? Would you even consider him, if he were ugly? Would you be dreaming of getting married to him? This is the point in your life that you must get real so you don’t waste more of your time on dreams that are not attainable. We get to a stage in life we simply have to face the truth about our lives and situations. Whether other women are buying cars or expensive gifts should be your concern at all. What should be is your relationship with God. Work on it to give you grace in the eyes and heart of the man he wants you to marry. Ask him for grace to discern who the man is. If your focus at your age is still on how handsome a man is, then you still have far to go. The best qualities and testimonies of our beauty are those we store right inside our hearts. That is where the treasure of our happiness is. Granted, it is pleasing to look good to the eyes but what keeps the heart very warm is the beauty of the mind. This is why you need the priceless gift of wisdom to lean more on God. That he is a pastor doesn’t mean he would be the perfect husband for any woman to marry. Being a pastor is a spiritual gift but it takes the grace of God to bring out the best in our human nature. Only real friendship keeps a marriage going not infatuation. This is the missing link in all of these. Your dreams may have been right on the bull’s eyes in the past but this one may have been instigated by your blinded desires to marry this man at all cost. Dreams come in different forms. There are dreams we through our thoughts originate. If these dreams came long before you met him, yes, they are answers to your prayers. But coming after you have set out to make him your husband at all cost, they can only come from your mind. So to attach too much importance to them could result in your being hurt and disappointed than you already are in your life. My gift to you is to submit your will and life completely to God. Stop struggling with God or attributing things deep inside you, you know are lies to Him. Besides, you have to be careful you don’t provoke God’s anger in the process of wanting to marry this man at all cost. He is a servant of God; if you unwittingly derail his mission by the desires of your heart or cause a scandal in the church, you could incur the anger of God. This is why you must be careful of what you do or how far you go in your bid to marry this man at all cost. Instead of wasting all your time on pursuing this man, why not pray to God to help point you at your destiny? Good luck.