I’m surprised she has an affair with another man

Dear Agatha, 
I have been following your column consistently and really like the way you advise several individuals on their emotional problems.

I am a graduate and the kind of work I do takes me off my base for two weeks.  I have been in love for the past 30 months with a lady of 21years of age. We all grew up in the same neighbourhood. She is from a different ethnic background. 

Sometime last year when I was preparing to travel overseas to further my studies, I allowed her travel down to stay with her sister pending when she gets admission to the university because I wanted to be focused in my quest to travel out. 

My mother never liked my relationship with her from day one. She has this impression that people from her side of the country are promiscuous. While at her sister’s place, I sent a friend going that way to help check on her. 

My friend felt thoroughly embarrassed by conduct. He discovered she was having an affair with another man, a student, she goes to spend weekend in his place. 

When confronted she said she did it because we couldn’t get to speak on the phone and that she thought I had abandoned her; this is despite my calling her few minutes to the time she left for the boy’s place. She refused to pick her calls all the time she was with the guy. She later confessed and begged me to forgive her that she wasn’t in control of her emotions when she did what she did. I forgave her because I didn’t want her to fail her examinations which she did fail in the long run due to lack of concentration as a result of her work. 

After that incident, my attitude changed because I couldn’t bring myself to trust her and demanded she comes back home from her sister’s place but, she said she would remain there.

When she came for the Christmas holiday, she confessed she kissed her supervisor at her workplace on three occasions and begged again that she was carried away because we were always quarrelling. 

None of her sisters is married and listens more to the advice of other people than my own. I left for work and now she is back at her sister’s place claiming she wants to tidy up some loose ends at her workplace and during all the nine months she was away, we barely saw for a month. I want to know if I should continue with her because if anything goes wrong she practically blames me for everything.  
Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

I think you should allow her be for now. Obviously she hasn’t made up her mind on what she wants to do with the relationship. From her conduct so far, she isn’t sure you are the right one for her or not.

Unless of course she has a spiritual problem, her claim not to be aware of why she misbehaves is only an excuse to mask her need for some adventure in her life. 

At 21, she thinks she isn’t ready to settle down to the kind of commitment you are demanding of her. Honestly, even if you are able to persuade her now to go with your plans, you would end up regretting it because she is still to have the perfect understanding of what trust and faithfulness in a relationship entail. 

Until she gets to that stage in life when she is ready to settle down, be truthful to her conscience and be ready to put up with the challenges of building a home with a man, there is little you can do. 

However to ensure you don’t get accused later in life of not doing enough, demand for a discussion with her but ensure it is done in the home of the sister she is staying with and in her presence. It is important someone else witnesses this discussion to erase whatever impression she may have created in the minds of these people. You don’t need a crowd to correct an impression; you only need someone who is truthful to his or her conscience. 

This sister of hers shall be your fall back when in future she decides she has had enough of the field and is out to make you appear as the one who dumped her on account of your proposed trip abroad.

Honestly, what you need now is concentration on your own plans. There is no way we can get everything we need in life. Choices have to be made at every point in time. No matter the challenge we face at every point, we should be gracious to accept the situations we cannot change. We have to learn to let go of things and people at a particular time to help us refocus on who we are as well as those important things. 

She has not been able to grow the relationship in the two and a half years you have been together. Rightly or wrongly, she feels 21 isn’t an age for her to be too serious with a relationship; because it is generally regarded as the age of freedom and adventure. 

After the discussion, give her a chance to make up her mind. Don’t try to persuade her to stay. Simply take your cue from her. It might hurt for a little while but God doesn’t make a mistake in whatever He does.

Don’t allow whatever prejudice your mother has for her people affect you. There are only two sets of people, the good and the bad.

One day, whatever happens, you shall look back on this moment and give Him all the glory.

Good luck.