Before my love for her runs me mad…

Dear Agatha, 

God bless you richly for your wise and loving counsel on different issues bothering on very sensitive areas of life. I have been dating this lady since May 2009 and one of the conditions she gave is total abstinence from sex until the wedding night.

I agreed to this condition because I love this girl very deeply. Besides I was sure she would be mine because of the qualities I see in her. Besides being neat, organised, a good housekeeper and God fearing, she is a good communicator: one thing I admire in women.  

Not wanting to lose her, I proposed to her and she accepted but I was determined to ensure she gained admission into higher institution. She didn’t have problems integrating into my family. As a matter of fact my mother often tells me whenever I phone home how she comes to help her with the cooking.  I call her almost on daily basis and she in turn calls me and assures me of her love for me.

The last time she visited me, we had very lovely time together and when she was leaving, she was crying at the thought of leaving.  I assured her that I will always keep in touch with her; that day she sent me a text message appreciating me for all the love and care I have being lavishing on her and how she misses me.

You can therefore imagine my surprise when she called two days after to request for a break in our relationship. I was surprised and thought she was joking but to my greatest surprise she meant every bit of it. It was all so confusing because it came out of nowhere, no disagreement or any quarrel whatsoever. I have been making efforts to know her reasons but she has refused to say anything and has stopped calling me, stopped telling me things and started exhibiting strange character traits.

I had to travel down from my station to see her. I came with gifts to soften her mind and to make her open up to me. All I got for my efforts was a ‘don’t worry God is in control’ statement from her. I have been calling to demand for explanations but she refuses to say anything.

I have being praying to God about it, I truly love her. I once made up my mind to end the relationship and move on with my life since it appears she isn’t ready to give reasons for her action but each time I try, I feel this strong feeling for her in me. 

I prayed and asked God to see me through these crises and to allow His will to be done. I even fasted about it. I made up my mind not to call her while the fasting lasted. I also asked God to give me a sign that she is mine; specifically that she should call me.  Immediately after the fasting, she did two days after. She said she just wanted to know how I was faring. 

It’s been April since she took that decision and has refused to see me and I can’t remember the last time she called me. She didn’t even tell me about her admission. I only got to know when I called to find out how she was doing. It was then she told me that she was in school processing her admission despite the fact that I assured her before the present development of my financial support towards her education. 

She is 20 years old while I am 31.  Please advise me on what to do because I am psychologically and emotionally troubled about her behaviour. I still love her and have feelings for her. I believe in one-man one-woman relationship. 

Mark Jr. 

Dear Mark Jr.

The age differences of 11 years may be her major reason for ending the relationship. Even though she might truly feel something very strong for you, she obviously cannot cope with the pressure you are putting on her to be ready to marry.

She feels at 20 she is yet to experience the spine-tingling side of life, you at 31, have obviously left behind. Don’t forget at her age, she is just emerging into a young adult and for most people, irrespective of gender this is the age they want to experience freedom in its true sense. This is the period of high school and freedom from parental rules and regulations. 

Seeing the subtle pressure of you and your family members could have frighten her to reconsider her earlier decision to agree into this relationship. In a way she feels trapped and thinks she would be transiting from one sets of rules to another sets. If you have the opportunity to talk to her again, do assure her that the fact that you are prepared to settle down doesn’t mean you are blind to her needs as a young woman just emerging into adulthood. 

When issue like this arises it has less to do with love but more to do with maturity. She may love you but lacks the maturity needed to carry this relationship into adulthood. She clearly needs help, especially from friends who would wonder aloud to her hearing why she is dating a man 11 years older than her. Some friends can be very mischievous and innocently misleading. Because they lack the depth of the kind of knowledge you have, they equally lack the kind of wisdom required to help their friend make the right decision. Not that they mean any harm, but they are simply acting in accordance with the limitations of their ages. 

At her age, 11 years age difference seems ancient; in her mind’s eyes, you are an old man compared to men her age. It would take her several years down the road and more experiences of life for her to understand that these things don’t matter so much where love and friendship is the order of the day.

In addition to prayers, you have to take some positive steps in helping her come to full knowledge of who you really are as well as the kind of sacrifices you are willing to make for her happiness.

Once you are convinced that God has given His permission to the relationship, begin the process all over again as a friend and elderly uncle she can come to when she needs help. Tell her you are willing to wait for sometime for her to grow up to appreciate your concern and interest in her.

From time to time, call her to ask after her studies, well-being and social life. The last bit might be difficult considering what you feel for her but you must endure the emotional torture if you really want this lady to always be comfortable with you. 

You have to earn her confidence and appreciation, not because you have done anything wrong, but for the simple reason of the differences in your ages. At this stage in her life, be the friends she needs, one to depend on as well as to support her. You must ensure she doesn’t make a mistake, common with young girls her age by being close to her. For you, it is going to be a journey of patience and absolute tolerance if truly she is your woman and one you can’t do without.

If you were willing to wait, she would soon come to that age as a woman when parties, freedom, and fun would give way to reality and a hunger to settle down with a responsible man.

Encourage your family to continue to be her friend while you pray with seriousness and all honesty for God to lead you aright. This is important to avert disappoint too in your own life. And one way you can avoid disappointment is to have an open heart that whatever you invest in her life is done out of selfless friendship. By having it at the back of your mind that it could end up either way would help your friendship with her.

Good luck.