Dear Agatha,
I am married and 31 years of age. My marriage is two years old. Since I got married I haven’t had peace from young girls who though are aware of my marital status still demand sex from me. My wife’s friends are not exempted from this sexual intimidation.
In most cases I end up having sex with them. The most recent involves my former girlfriend who got married five years ago. She called me one midnight when my wife travelled to discuss the challenges she was having in her marriage. She told me about her husband’s numerous affairs. I told her to continue to tolerate the situation and that she would eventually overcome it.
A week after this conversation she called to say she would want to see me, so I invited her over to my office. After our meeting, she kept calling and from the tone of her discussion it was obvious she wanted me back in her life. Honestly, I am tempted to go back to her, hence decided to write you so as to get a piece of advice on how to avoid this temptation. Despite all these, my wife and son still have confidence in me.
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
What pressures are you under that your wife isn’t having from other men, who though know she is married but still find her very attractive? How would you feel if she is the one desecrating your matrimonial bed? Sleeping around with your friends only subjects you to malicious gossips, don’t you know? Or do you think she too isn’t under certain pressures from other men like you?
That you are a man doesn’t give you the excuse or liberty to be morally irresponsible. If this lady found you responsible enough, why did she leave you to marry another man? The fact that she is contemplating sleeping with you despite being married shows that just like you she lacks the discipline required to work at making her marriage work.
How would you feel if your friends are sleeping with your wife? What is so special about these women that you cannot resist? Isn’t marriage about devotion and support? Isn’t marriage about loyalty and friendship? Is sex all there is to life and marriage? How would you feel if your wife and son find out about your escapades? Do you think that that boy especially will value your involvement in his life?
Marriage is about building a legacy, one that gives definition and character to the lives of the children as well as give them the right foundation to function in their future.
Whatever goes up comes down. If you were not careful, one day you would find out that you have spent all your good will as a father and husband on inconsequential things. By then, it might be too late to get back what your family is freely offering you on a platter of gold.
Adulthood is about self-control. This is what sets us apart from animals generally. While animals have no shame doing their thing anywhere, the adult human is compelled by shame to control his emotions and governed by sense of responsibility as well as moral values to refrain from indiscriminate liaisons.
Your marriage vows demand you stick to your wife and she to you. If she has any flaw, your duty as her husband is to help her grow into the idea of what you have in mind. If she isn’t too good in the bedroom, your duty is to help upgrade her skills by buying adult books and films that teach the subject.
Since you are obviously well skilled too in that department, take her through all the stages. This is what marriage is all about, helping to make the other better.
Sleeping with all those women is putting your wife’s health in jeopardy. Should you contact anything from any of these women, what do you tell your wife? You are unwittingly making your wife too vulnerable to sleep with them because anything you contact from them, whether spiritual or physical you pass on to her, thereby exposing her to unnecessary danger and spiritual battles she knows nothing of.
There are some of these women who would want her out of your life, hence would stop at nothing to inflict her with anything that would make her quit her home for them. No man engages in the business of women gathering that ever has a juicy story to tell in the end. Ask the men who did before you for their experiences and you will be shocked at the ugliness of this venture you think is so booming now. A lot of them often end up with severe regrets at their decision when they become sandwich in the hands of these women.
Even if you are not concerned about yourself, for the sake of your wife and children, avoid situations that could destroy your home. You won’t know her worth until she leaves to marry another man who respects and gives her happiness.
What story would you be saying if one of these women turns out to be HIV positive?
In your interest don’t sleep with your ex. Not only is she in your past she is married, a sacred woman! To go back to her is to import into your present life a situation from your past capable of destroying your joy.
If she has any issue with her marriage, the thing is not to complicate it by going outside her home to have an affair but to give her marriage her best. Even though you are not the best candidate to advise her on this, you should try your best to dissuade her from doing what she has in mind. You should also discourage her from calling you. By putting a distance between the two of you, you reduce the danger of you capitulating to her desires. Honestly, there is no way you can avoid sleeping with her if you keep encouraging contact with her based on the simple reason that she wants it and you lack the good sense to resist her.
The fact that you are asking for advice underscores your excitement at the thoughts of having her again. Frankly, she may not be as easy to store as the other women you are sleeping with. This is because she is determined to hurt her husband as much as he has hurt her just as she intends to destroy your home to pave way for her coming back if the need arises. She will ensure your wife gets to know all the funny and dirty details of what you two would be doing together. The moment a married woman and an ex-lover decides to go back to her former man, you can bet she is determined to face whatever challenges and consequences that go with her decision. Believe me, this woman would be your waterloo.
In addition to learning to focus your life along the line of having a development plan for your family whose resources and time you invest in either entertaining these women or picking up occasional bills from one or two of these women, handover your desires to God. It’s important you do this to avoid disappointments later down the road. A time would come when you won’t be this active and would need the help of your children to continue in life, if you don’t do what is right today, these children may turn their back on you.
You need spiritual help. Go on your knees and focus on getting help from God. Granted the average man is prone to slips once in a while but your passion is more than average. Asking God to intervene would help you focus your energy on building your home and life.
Good luck.
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