My wife is unbearable

Dear Agatha,

 

You have been a source of joy and relief in the life of many that through your God-given wisdom you are able to counsel and save people from being drowned in the wave and storms of life.

I wrote to you over three years ago concerning my wife’s issue and you counseled me to be patient and make sacrifices in order to bring about some changes in her. I did just as you told me but I think I have overstretched my patience.

By His grace, I am a God-fearing man; I have known the Lord for almost 20 years now. Since I knew Him, I have never seen the nakedness of any woman before and after I married my wife. 

Unfortunately, my wife’s attitude is so unbearable. As I told you some years ago, she lacks respect and regard for me as her husband. When we have any issue, she nags and shouts for neighbours to hear. Once she starts, I leave the house and come back when I think things would have calmed down. Rather than let peace reign, she will not allow me sleep. She will keep on talking until she gets tired and falls asleep. 

Whenever there is an issue, she will seize my car keys; collect my wallet, which contains my driver’s license and ATM cards. She makes sure she does things that will provoke me. She will hold my clothes and tear them or destroy my handsets no matter how expensive. She doesn’t care. But I have made a vow never to lay a finger on her no matter what she does. I am determined to keep to this vow. Once she starts, she will curse, saying all sorts of ungodly words against me as if after the whole thing we will never come together again.

Her family has handled the matter thrice pleading with me to give her sometime that she will change, but up till this moment, she has not changed, rather she is getting worse. I desire a peaceful, godly home with her but unfortunately, the reverse is the case. 

Recently something happened that completely devastated me and my faith. I slept with her sister. Frankly I don’t know how it happened. Her sister came to stay with us about four months ago. I had earlier warned her against bringing in anybody to our house to help with the children but as usual, she didn’t listen to me and for peace sake, I allowed it. 

From the very first day she came, I was not comfortable.  When the act took place, I locked myself in the room and cried like a baby to God for mercy. It was like a scale fell off my eyes after the act.   

She left before I could inform my wife of the incident, which of course I did not deny. I went on my knees and pleaded with her to forgive me that I have no excuse whatsoever for what happened. I told her to please lets see how I can get myself back on track with God for disappointing Him after all these years of faithfulness. She seemed to accept and we went into prayer and fasting for days. A day after we concluded the prayers, she changed her mood and went ahead to inform my elder brother without seeking my consent. As if that was not enough, she kept nagging me that she knows I have been cheating on her all these while and God has decided to expose me. I told her that I thought we had settled the matter; but she said she is going to expose me the more until the whole world comes to know what I did.

Personally after the prayer I still have no peace, so I have to inform my prayer partner, my spiritual father and at the same time, my Zonal pastor to please join me in prayers for God to turn His face back to me once again and have mercy on me so I can regain my peace back. While struggling with this great burden, she continued to make my life unbearable.  I couldn’t concentrate; I had to leave the house for my spiritual father’s place so we can pray together. While I was there, my resident pastor called that he needed to see me because my wife had told him what I did. It dawned on me that she was indeed out to destroy me. I thought she ought to be on my side in my trying times, but instead, she is bent on seeing me punished for the crime I committed against our vows. 

Agatha, I am waiting for my peace and fellowship with God to be restored. I have told her and the sister to pack out of the house but she vowed that neither she nor the sister would leave. Is this not a sort of conspiracy to destroy my life? Honestly, if they don’t leave, I will have no choice but to pack my belongings and leave the house for them for good. Yes, we have children between us but I don’t want to die prematurely. 

I need your help; I’m dying gradually within.

Depressed Man.

Dear Depressed Man,

Your problem didn’t start today. This is an issue that predates your actual wedding to this lady. One thing is to be God fearing, another thing is to consult God in all things before taking a decision. Did you ask God before going into it? There is no way the battle will overwhelm you if God gave you permission to marry her. 

Often, we think being close to God is enough. Being close to Him demands total submission to His will and desires. It means not doing anything without getting express permission from Him. This way, when the storms come, you can be rest assured that God would be there to envelop the storm with His peaceful presence. 

If you had done that, it would have been easy for you and this woman to manage your differences without it degenerating into this stage of depression and near hatred.

I sincerely understand the emotional agony involved in your situation but the truth remains, I cannot tell you to quit your marriage. It is your decision and nobody can tell you what to do with it. You are the one who wears the shoes and knows how much it is hurting you. 

However, to prevent the same mistakes from occurring, be it in this marriage or in your future relationship, you have to sit back and take another look at all the issue involved. The first question is, has she always been this troublesome and totally lacking in respect? There is no way you would have married her if she had been like this from day one. At what point did you begin to notice her true nature? What did you do at that point to ensure she doesn’t persist in her ways?

She nags! But what are the things she is always nagging about? Deep down, do you think she has a case even if her presentation is wrong and very irritating, do you, in fairness think she has one or two points? Just as it takes two to tango, it also takes two to cause a permanent damage to a relationship. Yes, she may have the larger blame especially in her attitude and handling of her own frustrations and disappointments with the relationship, what about your own faults? How are you addressing them in the marriage? She just cannot get up in the morning and be raining curses at you without a kind of response from your end. To properly settle whatever it is that is causing unrest in your marriage, both of you have to be honest enough to accept your own faults as well as develop the will to make this marriage work.

Honestly, if you have never thought of committing your relationship with your wife to the hands of God, please do so now. It is never too late to seek the help of God in this matter. That you fell into temptation is because your marriage and home lack peace. There is no way you can be asking God for forgiveness when you are not ready to grant it to another person. Marriage works well when none of the parties takes record of the other person’s wrongs. We are all fallible and like you have found out, prone to huge mistakes. Before God we are all unrighteous. 

Doubtless, some marriages will never work no matter what anybody does to help the marriage but the greatest crime is not trying at all to give what it takes to make it work.  Get down from your religious ladder and apply practical solutions to issues that need practical attention. Prayers without practical applications to those areas deserving attention will not work. 

Marriage is a journey of both spirituality and practical solutions. 

Nobody would believe that you didn’t know what you were doing sleeping with your sister-in-law. Only those who are spiritually inclined would accept your excuse as possible. That it happened means there is a spiritual leak somewhere. God can forgive you but what guarantees do you have that you won’t fall again? So, the first thing is to look for the weak chain in your person, faith and spiritual life. Is this the secret reason you didn’t want anybody coming to your home to stay with you?

Stop trying to use being close to God to hide your nature as a man. If you are unable to confess your nature to yourself who would you tell? It is by so doing that you can truly find a solution through prayers. God knows but is waiting for you to ask for His specific help in the area you know you are weak. You must hunger for a cure for Him to step in. 

If your wife is hurting, it is only expected and if she is broadcasting it, it is because over the years, you have made her appear like the devil and you, the saint in the marriage. Telling anybody who cares to listen is her way of justifying herself and pointing people at your direction.

There is no contesting the fact that a lot of pain and hurt have been inflicted into this marriage. But with the right attitude and loads of sincerity, it will work. You both need time out with God and determination to move forward.

If you send her out, what assurances do you have that the next woman would be better? 

On the issue of your sister-in-law, tell your parents-in-law why you want her out. They will understand. 

Good luck.