Dear Agatha,
You are truly an ointment that heals broken wounds in relationships and a balm that softens the rough edges of life. I have been having an extramarital affair with my shop neighbour for three years now.
Unfortunately for me my two daughters discovered what was going on between this man and I.
Around June last year, I noticed my lover was no longer showing the kind of interest in me as he used to display before. A month later, I found out to my dismay that he was dating my 19-year-old daughter who is in SS3 and that they have actually been dating for sometime before my discovery. I tried to caution my daughter but she won’t listen to me.
I am afraid to raise my finger against her to avoid her telling my husband about my affair with the same man. But I just can’t sit and watch this evil while I am still alive.
Joe.
Dear Joe,
He who comes to equity must come with clean hands. Because of your own lack of moral values, you lack the right to condemn and correct your daughter on her liaison with this man.
From the very moment you agreed to date another man outside your home, you not only mortgaged your rights as custodians of values in your home but also embarked on an adventure that would destroy your children and their future.
As you can see, you no longer have the rights to call your daughter to order for the simple reason that they caught you in an act that calls to question your nature as a mother.
If your daughter is refusing to heed your cautions, it is because she has lost respect for you. In addition, the reason for your concern could also be subjective. Are you asking her to quit because you are concerned as a mother or as a jealous lover determined to use her powers of motherhood to intimidate this young woman to give you back your man?
Your reason could be governed by true concerns a good mother has for the welfare of the child but at this stage nobody, least of all your daughter, would believe you. To her you are her rival; one who wants to displace her as the queen in the heart of the man.
Force and violence won’t win this war for you rather it would only end up unveiling that which you are desperately trying to conceal from your husband.
Bear this in mind, for your daughters to have found you out, a lot of people around your shop are also aware of your show of shame but have refused to say anything because it is none of their business. The moment your daughters open up on your can of worms, you can bet your life that many people who have until this moment endured your show of shame would come out to testify against you.
What you should do is to first beg for forgiveness from God, because not only have you offended your husband but God as well. Through your actions, you have destroyed the foundation of your home, encouraged a crack that would take time to seal. The reaction of your 19-year-old daughter is just one of the many things to expect if you don’t beat a quick retreat.
After this make peace with your daughters because you have really offended them. Try putting yourself in their shoes? Can you imagine the shame of finding out that your own mother having an affair with someone else? Do you know the pains that pierced through their hearts at the knowledge of being the subject of gossips by their friends and all those who know? Can you imagine the pains and humiliation they must have felt on behalf of their father?
Be truthful, how do you feel at the discovery of your daughter sleeping with your lover? Are you glad or disappointed and embarrassed by it all? How do you think your husband would feel when he discovers that he has been sharing his wife with another man for three years?
Your daughter is deliberately doing this to hurt you as much as you have hurt the pride of her father and the dignity of the home you are second in command to.
Honestly, go on your knees to beg these children; you owe them more than that because in a way you are also giving people reasons to doubt their paternity. What you have done has too many complex attachments. Really beg them; appeal to their conscience; don’t even try to justify what you have done; no reason in the world is enough a reason for you to be that callous to your husband.
Begging them would give the three of you a chance to talk. Understand they are hurting and until they have the chance to express their opinion, cry out their disappointment at your betrayal of their family prestige, tell you precisely what they think of you as a mother; their bitterness would never allow the memory of what they found out fade. It will continue to hurt them and make them do things they shouldn’t have gone into in the first place.
In their fury to hurt you, they would end up being the victims. After getting them to listen to you, try and explain this fact to them.
Let your daughter understand that while you will forever be sorry for what you did she has the chance now to redeem herself from this journey of destruction she has embarked upon. By explaining to her that the man is the victor in all these, having slept with mother and daughter, she is the one giving up a bright future for a reputation she would end up regretting for the rest of her life.
You must find a way of making her understand that nothing she does can be as terrible as the judgement of one’s conscience you have already been sentenced to. Make her see your concern for her as real, borne out of a fear of her future. If you have never bothered to discuss her sexuality with her, this is the time for you to. Any man who can dump mother to sleep with a daughter isn’t the kind of man she should give her body to; it is important she realises that he is not in any way interested in her emotions but the thrill of her young body and that when a younger girl comes, he would also dump her for that lady.
It is essential she knows that this man is not capable of standing by her if she gets pregnant or comes up with a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) or any health complications that come from being with him. Even if you didn’t position your pride well, didn’t honour the bound of marriage, any man who sleeps with a married woman is lacking in scruples. It is this lack of conscience on his part you should tell your daughter.
As a mother you must find a way of getting through to her as fast as you can. At this stage, don’t put your interest first, even if your interventions would mean your husband finding out that you have been having affair, so be it, as long as you are able to get your daughter off the claws of this man. No matter how stubborn your daughter is, the moment she realises that you are no longer afraid of your husband finding you out and facing the consequences of your action, your daughters would listen because they know you are no longer afraid to own up to your mistakes.
This way, you free yourself from whatever kind of power they think they have over you.
A compromised mother should not allow the fear of her own safety or exposure of her secrets stops her from doing what has to be done in the overall interest of her children. Your determination not to allow evil befall your children starts from your own willingness to make the sacrifice needed to win back the respect of your children. What you are demanding of them isn’t something you can get at this point on a platter of gold. The issues involved have gone beyond that point. You have to match your words with determination to help refocus your daughters. This evil can only be averted if you don’t care about being exposed.
Good luck.
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