Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate of accounting and gainfully employed in one of the newspaper houses as a sales marketing and advert officer of a state in the South West of Nigeria. Immediately I was employed, the management
transferred me to another state also within the zone.
This meant leaving my girlfriend behind in Lagos. At 22, a virgin and a senior secondary school holder, her physique is very mature and she is well-exposed despite her young age. Besides, she is into phone business in Ikeja.
When I came to my new station, I lived in a one room apartment until I was able to save to rent a two-bedroom flat; preparatory to my settling down with my woman.
In August last year, we performed our introduction ceremony. She was still a virgin at the time of our introduction. But I started having strange dreams about her after our introduction. I simply couldn’t decode the meaning of the dreams.
I observed that whenever I invite her to come over for the weekends, her mother would begin to give all sorts of excuses why my wife should not visit me. Her mother would call to say I shouldn’t act impatiently; that as the bridegroom, I should be patient.
It took several pleas from me to her mother before she was allowed to come in early December to visit me.
To my surprise and pains recently, she was found to have been deflowered. In tears she told me she was raped by two guys whose names she mentioned. I asked if her parents are aware and why she didn’t report the incident at the police. She said she was too ashamed to tell either her parents or the police. Although she refused to swear by the Bible when I asked her to do so, I forgave her for the sake of love.
After her visit, I got a revelation through my prophet in the church. I recorded it on my phone which I played to her when she came over for the Xmas holiday. After listening to the revelation, she confessed that she wasn’t raped, was actually dating the guy who deflowered her.
I reported the incident to her family and was invited to a meeting with them in Lagos. At the meeting, the elder sister asked if I wasn’t dating another woman at my new station. I felt bad at the comments and attitude of her family members.
To cut the long story short, they told me she cannot stay with me in Akure and that I should rent a two-bedroom flat in Lagos, which may cost me an outrageous amount that would fetch me a piece of land in Akure and even build a foundation on it.
There and then, I told them nobody can control my home and that if they want me to marry their daughter, I have to be given complete authority in my home.
Already she is pregnant by me and rather than allow me to decide which hospital she would be registered for ante natal clinic (ANC), the mother took her to their family hospital for antenatal. She demanded N8,000.00 for just registration whereas N500 would have got her registered in Akure in a quality hospital. I told the mother that I couldn’t afford such an amount considering my salary. I sent N4,000.00 being the amount I could afford.
Agatha, is it the duty of my mother-in-law to register my wife for ante natal? Is it right for them to dictate where I should reside with my wife? Please advise me.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
No they don’t have the right to dictate where you and your wife stay or the hospital she would attend. Once a woman gets married, her family takes the back roll in her affairs; this is the ideal.
The best they can do is to offer suggestions and not take the initiative of decision away from you as the head of the home.
They may however be acting this way because you haven’t paid the bride price. Under the law, she isn’t your wife yet eve though you have done the introductions. Unless the bride price is paid, you cannot insist on anything with force and authority this issue deserves.
Despite being pregnant by you, you are still technically her boyfriend until the full rite is done on her.
There are so many things attached to the title of a husband. It is either you are man enough to marry her in full or forget that you have any rights to exercise over her.
This is what her family is playing on. If she were your wife, none of them would have the guts to support her unfaithfulness to you or insist on where you both live. If you had done the ceremony in full, the mother cannot tell you when or when not to see your wife.
Honestly, the first step now isn’t in where she registers but how you can complete the process of all marriage rites on her. Go with your people to pay her bride price using her pregnancy as reason to hasten the process. For now, don’t argue too much with her family over where you would both stay; the important thing is for them to accept to your proposal to complete all there is to do concerning the all marriage rites on her.
Ideally, your woman should be the one pushing to be with her man but it appears that she is incapable of taking any decision for herself. This accounts for the overwhelming influence of her family on your relationship.
You have to find a way of taking charge of the heart of your woman. You must make her earn your confidence enough to make her resist her family’s interferences in your lives.
Without this, your wife and home will always be governed by outsiders. This is dangerous for you as well as the development of your home. A man who leaves the control of his home to outsiders never acquires the required peace to be happy.
Marriage is a personal thing that must be rightly guided at all times. Fully marry her and take control of your wife and coming child.
Good luck.
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