My mother-in-law, my chief antagonist

 Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for almost five years now. I haven’t had a moment of peace from my mother-in-law and my stepchildren. They all think I am not good enough for my husband.

My husband’s first wife left him about nine years ago to marry her secondary school sweetheart. She left all the four children behind insisting she wanted to start a new life all over again. At least this is the story I was told. Their first child was 18 and the last 10 years of age when she left.

I came into his life about three years after that incident. From the very first day, he told me about his children. As at the time I met him, they were already staying with his mother. 

When we got married, I didn’t immediately consent to the children coming to stay with us, not because I have anything in mind but for the simple reason, I wanted some time with my husband. I wanted to enjoy the early intimacy of our marriage. This is the only reason I didn’t want them around.

Unfortunately, they all got it wrong. My mother-in-law and the children still hold this incident against me. They accuse me of not wanting them around and nothing I have done or said since then to make them change their minds have had any effect on them. My mother-in-law in particular is my chief antagonist and is using the children to fight me at every given opportunity. The eldest of my husband’s children is so rude and uncultured, another reason I have never gotten along with her. She thinks she has the powers to decide what happens in her father’s life.

The recent disagreement somehow degenerated to the level of me walking her out of the house. She had to sleep outside because her father travelled and since she wasn’t ready to apologise for being rude to me when I asked her where she was coming from at 9pm, I didn’t see any reason for her to come into the house that night. At that point I wasn’t prepared to accommodate her insults anymore. 

She must have gone to her grandmother’s place because my mother-in-law came to my house very early the next morning to pack my stepdaughter’s clothes. At 27, she shouldn’t be in my house causing me headaches. 

When my husband came back the next day, he didn’t bother to hear my side of the story before taking sides with his mother and daughter. According to him, I lacked the right to lock out his daughter. In my bid to explain, the argument degenerated so much so that for the first time in our marriage, he slapped me after calling me a very heartless woman.

I have had enough of him, his mother and children. But the issue now is he says if I want to leave, I cannot go with our two children and I certainly do not want my children corrupted by his children and mother. 

Also, my family especially my mother is of the opinion that I haven’t handled the issue of my stepchildren with maturity. She says they are hostile to me because I haven’t been much of a mother to them.

I really don’t know what to do now. While my mother has advised me to go and beg my husband and stepchildren for forgiveness, I am fed up with the whole thing. Why should I suffer the presence of these children when their mother is enjoying her life in the house of another man? I didn’t drive their mother away.

Please advice me.

Frustrated Wife.

Dear Frustrated Wife,

From your letter, you are the one lacking in patience and understanding in this matter. Before you went into this marriage, you knew he had children from a previous marriage. You also knew he had custody of the children and that agreeing to marry him meant not just being his wife but also a mother to his children. There is no way you can isolate your happiness with this man from his relationship with his children. Those children were part of his life before he met you and for you to enjoy the dividends of being his wife, whatever your personal reasons maybe, you must learn to factor in his children’s happiness.

Any woman who agrees to marry a man with children must be ready to be elastic in her feelings if she hopes to enjoy being part of the family. Honestly, if your mother-in-law is giving you problems, it is because she is protective of her grandchildren. She doesn’t want them to be hurt again. 

She senses from your attitude that you don’t want to have anything to do with them and can’t be bothered what becomes of them. This is why she is attacking you and making things difficult for you in your marriage. For instance, if this young lady were your daughter would you have the heart to lock her out of your home in the night? Weren’t you afraid that something bad could happen to her especially being a lady? If she didn’t have her grandmother’s place to go, where were you expecting her to sleep that night? Out in the cold and exposed to attacks?

That singular act alone tells the whole story of how much of a mother you have been to these children. No matter the provocation from your stepdaughter, it wasn’t enough for you to lock her out of her home irrespective of her age. If she is as rude and uncultured as you say she is, she would have beaten you up, refused to be locked out and ensured you are the one that would not sleep in the house that night. For her to have left without making trouble with you shows a young lady with respect and decorum. Not many girls her age would do what she did without fighting you.

If your husband went violent, it is because he can’t believe you would go to the extent of locking out his daughter at that time of the day. Even if she came in at an hour you consider unholy, as a mother, your first concern should be her safety and not her behavior. The fact that she could still make it back to her grandmother’s place at that time, shows that the time wasn’t too late for you to have taken offence. 

Frankly, you didn’t act as a mother at all. You acted like a woman. The difference between the woman with the heart of a mother is her ability to tolerate and give unconditionally not minding her own pains while the woman without the heart of a mother would never be able to love no matter how cheap love is. 

If you actually love your husband, it shouldn’t be difficult for you to love his children. This is the point your mother is making. You have been in their lives for five years; enough time for you to have wooed them into your hearts with love and friendship. Had you done that, you would have succeeded in earning their respect and friendship; enough to gain their loyalty against their grandmother’s excesses.

If your husband beat you, it is only because you inflicted so much emotional pains on him. Though wrong but when weighed against what you did to his daughter, you must let go because you drew the first blood. 

Your happiness is in your own hands. Bury whatever resentments you have against these children and be the mother they don’t have. It is the only way you would enjoy their support in the future, integrate your children into them. 

These children are part of the man you pledged to love and cherish. In that house, you are not just a wife but a mother to them as well. There is no way he would accept you as his wife without you first becoming a mother to those children just as you would never accept into your life any man who refuses to be a father first to your children before being your man. 

Life is about tolerance. Learn to tolerate them so that you can really enjoy your marriage. You are exactly to these children what you claim your mother-in-law is to you. Only true love and friendship on your part can erase all the problems you are experiencing in your marriage today. Frankly, you are the only one to make the first move and it is important you do it before it is too late.

Good luck.