Despite her weaknesses, I still love her, but…

 Dear Agatha, 

I have been in a relationship with this lady for about six years now. In fact I deflowered her after two years into our relationship. She is in her final year in the university. She is good and nice. I have other girl friends though I am not that serious with them. Now I am at the point of planning to get married. The problem is that I need a woman that is tall because I am not tall. 

My girl friend of six years is not exposed as I would want for a wife. Her knowledge of things is not too good and her use of English language is not good too, though she is willing to learn. 

She is 28 and I am 32 years old, I think she is old for me. 

But I still love this lady, irrespective of all the flaws she may have. She is beautiful too. 

Advise me before I make mistake in life because I need a woman that will guarantee my peace of mind. 

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

Are you just realising all these things after being with her for six years and sleeping with her for four years?

Is her ability to make you a good wife, mother, excellent house-keeper and good cook, respectful and responsible woman measured by her height? When you met her and deflowered her, didn’t you factor the age thing then? Why didn’t you raise the issue of age before taking her pride as a woman?

The issue here has to do with your own desires to play the field; lack of sincerity to yourself as well as lack of focus. Because you are into other affairs, you are confused about what precisely you want from life as well as the idea of the kind of woman you need to motivate you in life.

There is no way you can make the right choice if you don’t first sit down and plan your own life. At 32, you are not exactly a green chicken anymore and to live your life to chances would boomerang eventually. 

It therefore behooves you to be very honest with yourself. For you to have dated her for six years shows that she has depth, a staying power which none of the other ladies you have crowded your life with has. But because you haven’t learnt to be faithful to one woman, you are afraid of the restriction marriage would put on you hence inwardly looking for just any kind of excuse to knock her out so as to buy more time in the field of freedom.

Even though I don’t know her, something deep tells me if you out of carelessness throw this lady out of your life you may not be fortunate to get another woman who would affect your life as positively as she has done. Regrettably, so many people don’t know the worth of something until they lose it. 

If after six years of dating a woman, you say she cannot speak good English, isn’t exposed, then something is wrong with you. She is only mirroring the quality of companionship and leadership you have given her for the number of years you have spent together. What is love in the first instance? One of the reasons we fall in love and have relationships is to have someone to share in our weakness. From the very beginning you noticed these flaws, you should have taken it upon yourself to offer her the kind of assistance required to brush her up. If you love her, you would have been able to teach her how to improve on her spoken English. Your inability shows that something is also wrong with your attitude and that you refused to act because all along you have always had it at the back of your mind that you would leave her on account of this. 

To her and everyone who listens to your excuse, your action would appear premeditated; you can only be justified if from the very beginning you have complained and she has refused to take corrections. Besides, where true love exists, such things often don’t matter. Having been able to live with these flaws for six years, if you really apply your mind to it and honest with what you really want from life, you can cope. The draw back here is a lack of clarity on the kind of woman you want from the number of women in your life. 

In essence, your girlfriend isn’t the problem but your own desires. You have to urgently make a clear distinction between the woman who would really make you happy and the kind you think you want in your life. Frankly this is the point many young men and women get it all when making the important decision of who to spend the rest of their lives with. It is a decision that has to come with a lot of soul-searching thoughts, wisdom and open honesty with oneself.

Frankly, you haven’t got to the stage of being honest with yourself because all the things you complain of are things love, patience, determination, understanding and support can change. For instance if you expose her correctly, she would have the kind of social clout you want. Your job as her man is to help her measure up to your standards and not condemn her for not having it.

Demonstrate your love for her by acting it and not just mouthing it. True love is a lot of sacrifice and inconveniencies. It is loving another person even when nothing in that person is worth loving in the beginning. Love has an inner eye to see the perfection nobody can see in another person. 

Pray to God to help direct you at what to look for in this woman and life importantly.

Good luck.