Two boys battling for my skirt

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column and always impressed with the way you offer your advice to people.

I am currently in a dilemma, which started seven years ago. Few weeks into my relationship with my ex, I discovered I was pregnant so we decided to terminate it. A year into the relationship, he made arrangements to travel out of the country without informing me.

When I found out, I was hurt but decided to move on with my life. Three months after this incident, I started dating someone else who offered a shoulder to cry on after listening ear to my woes. Two weeks into my new relationship, I got a call from my former boyfriend. He apologized for not telling me saying it was impromptu and began calling frequently. 

Somehow, he got to know I have a new boyfriend but kept calling. Along the line, I found myself rekindled in our past relationship and it only got stronger though I was still aware of my relationship with the new guy. I didn’t have the heart to end the relationship with him. This has continued till date. The first guy is in his early thirties and eight years older than I am. He is five years older than my second boyfriend.  

He is ready to settle down and has asked me to be his life partner and always makes it a point of duty to visit me when ever comes home. Though I accepted his offer but deep down, I am not excited whenever I remember the other guy would not only be hurt, but betrayed by me. Besides, I have grown to love both of them. 

However, what bothers me most is the attitude of the two guys. While I can boldly say I know everything there is to know about the first guy, I can’t say the same of the second guy. I am honestly confused.  

I also see myself prospering more with the second guy. The only problem is he is from one of the States in the South-South and worships with one of the new generation churches while I am from one of the States in the South East and a Catholic, which makes it difficult for me because my parents frown at the possibility of him becoming an in-law.

Beca.

Dear Beca, 

It is obvious that you prefer the second guy to the first. Since you are the one who would be wearing the shoe eventually, ensure your choice is the one you would be happy with as well as able to tolerate throughout your life.

This is because it takes more than feelings and sentiments to keep a marriage going. It is a journey of tolerance, painful choices, sacrifices and selflessness. 

It is also laced with unconditional friendship, understanding, patience as well as loyalty. These are the reasons some marriages work better than others. A marriage has to have surplus of endurance to make it work. Often than not it comes more from one party.

Of these two guys, which of them would you go the extra mile for? Which of them is most likely to stand by you when the going goes rough?

The issue here has nothing to do with the two guys but you. Make up your mind fast on, who you want among these two men else you might end up losing at both ends. At this juncture, you just must learn to be very honest with yourself by facing up to the real reason for wanting to keep both men at the same time. 

Tell yourself the truth about your motive. It is one thing to lie to another person but to lie to yourself why you insist on keeping both of them in your life would only destroy you at the end of it all. You must be ready to give up whatever you are gaining from being the proposed wife of the one living abroad, to enable you get the full picture of the kind of life you would have if you settle for the one in Nigeria. That thing that made you agreed to be his wife, while your heart is clearly with another person. It is only when you do this that you will cease to be confused on what to do. 

On the issue of worshiping in different churches, it isn’t as valid as you facing the truth about your desire or wants in life. If your love for this man were strong enough, you would have the confidence to talk to your parents about him as well as the will to make them understand that there should be no division in the body of Christ. At any rate, a woman’s real church only become manifest only after she has married. Whether you are Catholic and he is a Pentecostal, the fact remains that you are both Christians and children of Jesus Christ. Don’t forget this is your life. If you believe so much in the man you have decided on, you should be brave enough to defend that love through prayers and confidence in what you fell deep inside of you.

Good luck.