Dear Agatha,
Please I would like you to help me out. Right now I am in a very tricky corner and need to make a serious decision urgently.
I am a 35-year-old single mother with two children, aged 12 and 7 years, respectively. I decided to change environment due to the humiliation I went through at the hands of my children’s father.
Two years ago precisely in February, I secured a job in Lagos so I had to move from my former base. Initially, the adjustment wasn’t easy at all. September that same year, I met this guy and we started a relationship borne out of mutual love for each other.
However, family pressures based on tribal differences brought a severe disagreement between us in June last year. We eventually parted ways.
During this period, I contacted my former employer in my hometown to ask if I could come back to my former job. He promised to have me back once he had an opening. I did this because I felt the urge to be close to my children once again.
However by October 2010, the guy and I came back together. Now my former employer has called me back to come and resume.
What do I do in this situation? Do I stay back on my current job in Lagos and get married to this guy or go back to where I am coming from to be with my children and remain unmarried for life? I say this because my ex is well known in my local environment, hence won’t be easy to get a serious minded man to marry me. Besides I don’t want to associate with anybody from that community.
Although there is this general thinking that no one can take care of a child like the mother, but my case is different. My younger sister and her husband are a wonderful pair but I cannot leave the children with them forever. Despite being with a couple who love them as theirs, I miss my children and I know they miss me too.
Before I left them to come to Lagos, I was deeply lonely inside of me.
Agatha, what do I do about this situation?
Shola.
Dear Shola,
Everybody deserves a second chance at happiness and you are no exception. A hometown is always a small place, where everyone knows the other and gossips reign supreme.
You won’t be doing yourself or children any good by returning to that place. The moment you took that decision to leave for Lagos, you unwittingly set new emotional, social and economic targets for yourself. Going back to that village would present you as a failure and give the father of your children something to laugh about. Besides you stand to gain more economically if you stay in Lagos. As long as you are hard working and focused there are a lot of opportunities awaiting you in Lagos than you would ever dream to have in the village.
Furthermore, you have to solidify your financial base if you hope to give them a sound footing in life. Children consume so much money these days. Don’t expect your new man to take responsibilities for them, they are primarily your responsibility. If he gives take it, if he doesn’t don’t begrudge him. He is not bound my any law, whether religious or legal, to care for them. In addition such an attitude would help your relationship with your man, as you won’t entertain any hurt or disappointment if he doesn’t help you with the children. The result is peace in your home.
Having a strong financial base will also stop you from begging their father to be involved financially in their lives. It is one humiliation you should avoid as a single mother.
So, it is more than the decision of staying with a man to you staying in the right place in the interest of the children. There is also the issue of exposing those children to another kind of life different from the one they have become used to. This is especially necessary to avoid class difference between the children you will have for this man and them. Without you having the right attitude from this point, you risk creating with your own hands problems for yourself in the future.
The thing is to set targets for yourself this early. There is no success story in life without pains and tremendous sacrifice. The issue here honestly goes beyond you and your current boyfriend coming back together. To peg your stay in Lagos to his coming back to you is to treat your as well as your children’s future with levity.
Whether he is in your life or not should not interfere with the reasons you came to Lagos to begin life anew. After all when you made up your mind to have a change of environment, he wasn’t part of the plan then, so why should his being in your life now make you give up on your own dreams?
No matter what happens to the two of you, hold on jealously to your dreams for the sake of those children who would one day ask questions concerning their rating in your life.
At this stage in your life as well as your status as a single mother, you have to learn to balance your feelings with the future of those children.
You also have to learn to cope with broken hearts and disappointments. You can keep running back and forth simply you have suffered a disappointment in your emotional life. Learn to belief in yourself as a woman. If you keep changing environments you will never be able to give your children the kind of life they should have as a result of your own instabilities.
Yes, this man has come back, good for you, but what about your children? Is he ready to marry you and these children? Has he the guts to withstand the pressures bound to come from his family members on account of your children? If these matters are not properly discussed and settled before you both marry, you would only be postponing doom’s day. If the family is already raising dust over tribal differences, more dust could follow when they all know you are a mother of two children from a previous relationship.
Like you have rightly observed, those children no matter how comfortable, cannot stay with your sister and husband forever. They would eventually desire your company. To avert this pending cloud, let him know from day one that you not only need a husband but a father figure for your children; this means your children would have to come in the near future to live with you. Don’t assume he would like it; discuss it and be precise about what to expect in the marriage.
When a woman has children before going into another marriage, she should not just assume that her new husband would open his doors to her children, his response would give you inkling into what he has in mind as well as inform on what to do.
If he is the kind that isn’t wholly in support of the children coming to stay, knowing would help you find a good boarding school for them and plead for them to spend the holidays with you.
You have a right to marry, hence your own happiness too is important. You can only be a good mother if you are inwardly happy with the decisions you made in life.
Therefore in addition to growing the right determination to succeed on your present job, you must also have the same thirst to make things right for the new man and your children, because they each have a say and role in your life.
After discussing with your man and knowing where he stands on the issue of your children coming to live with both of you fully, go to your former employer in the village to thank him for the offer of a job. Let him know you have decided to stay in Lagos. Go to your sister and discuss with her. Give yourself a target when you would come for the children finally but plead with your sister to allow you take them during one of their holidays to spend time with you and the man you intend to marry. Whether they are going to stay fully or spend only holidays with you, it is important both parties meet because their relationships with each other would be permanent as long as you are involved.
To balance the politics of your new man, children and would be in-laws, ensure you are true to your conscience in every possible way. This means in matters concerning your children and would be husband, be firm on the truth.
Once there is perfect understanding between your children, you and your man, there is no reason why you can’t be happy.
In addition always pray because there is no marital journey without challenges. But with God, it always works out.
Good luck.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment